9.30.2009
Alvin Davis, 1989 Topps
9.29.2009
William Suero, 1993 Topps
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Utility infielder
Value of card: Three sticks of butter
Key 1992 stat: One groin injury
That's gotta hurt: You think you're having a bad day? At least you didn't take a Paul Sorrento to the crotch. You can see the grimace starting to form on the infielder's face. Kudos to William Suero for turning the double play despite getting No. 11ed. Hats off, William Suero — see, even Sorrento agrees. Way to take one for the team, even at the cost of infertility.
William Suero, 1993 Topps
9.28.2009
Tim Wallach, 1992 Topps Stadium Club
Tim Wallach, 1992 Topps Stadium Club
9.27.2009
Frank Thomas, 1992 Score Dream Team
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: $20 credit at Big 5 Sporting Goods
Key 1991 stat: Zero size-appropriate items in this photo
Something doesn't quite fit: What the hell is going on here? The size of Frank Thomas' bat makes even the most secure of men squirm a little. Big Hurt's ballcap appears to be hovering about 7 inches above his head. His batting gloves resemble medieval gauntlets and his belt is cinched directly over his belly button. But the most disturbing thing is the tightness of Thomas' pants. They may be made of Lycra. Look at the way they gather around his knobby little knees. One good thing about these pants: They stop so high, they likely won't get wet in a flood. Those pinstripes are stretched so tight, they're turning into Morse code. And, of course, Thomas is wearing eye black in a photo studio. It only makes sense. Sorry, Score. The Big Hurt may be on your dream team, but this card is one big nightmare.
Frank Thomas, 1992 Score Dream Team
9.26.2009
Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, benevolent leader
Value of card: The truth
Key 1990 stat: 34 people recruited
Tragedy in Texas: Sure, everyone knows Nolan Ryan was a stud on the mound and an all-around badass everywhere else. But few ever heard about the government standoff he was involved in during the 1990 season. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms received word that Ryan had started a cult, luring in young boys who wore replica Rangers uniforms and young women in baggy dresses and off-center haircuts. The feds swooped in, surrounding Arlington Stadium and urging the fireballer to release his followers. Ryan ignored their requests, instead sending out a pallet of Rangers road unis, all No. 34. A three-day impasse ensued, ending when ATF agents stormed the stadium, tackling anyone in cleats. Ryan and his believers had escaped, however, and the government ended up only pressing charges against Julio Franco, who was caught having inappropriate relations with his bat.
Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards
Keith Hernandez, 1986 Topps Record Breaker
Keith Hernandez, 1986 Topps Record Breaker
9.25.2009
Gary Sheffield, 1994 Upper Deck
Team: Florida Marlins
Positions: Third base, badass
Value of card: 100 pounds of awesome
Key 1993 stat: 1,834 sneers
Holy crap: Look at Gary Sheffield's scorpion tattoo. It's obvious that the sleeves of his shirt tore themselves off and ran away when they saw that thing coming. Even his color-coordinated wristbands freaking rule. Plus, you can tell by the look on his face that he's about to hit a baseball approximately 12,000 feet. This got us here at the Bust wondering what things are more badass than Gary Sheffield in this photo. Here they are, in reverse order:
10) Robot motorcycles
9) Dogs that shoot bees from their mouths
8) The A-Team
7) People juggling chain saws
6) Lions riding horses
5) Guitars made of lightning
4) Gun-wielding, shark-surfing bears
3) Thunderstorms made by volcanoes
2) Gary Sheffield in this exact pose with an actual scorpion on his arm
1) America
Gary Sheffield, 1994 Upper Deck
9.24.2009
Joe Klecko, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 14)
Team: New York Jets
Positions: Nose tackle, monster
Value of card: One $5 gift card to Barnes & Noble
Key 1985 stat: One fivehead
It's alive: Jets coach Joe Walton needed a nose tackle in 1985, but no one on his roster fit the bill. An abundance of linebackers, ends and copies of Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein" left the coach with but one choice: building his own runstopper. He surreptitiously signed a handful of undrafted rookie free agents and harvested their best features, including three foreheads, to create the best nose tackle in the league. Kleckostein, despite having eyes without pupils, dominated the league, recording 7 1/2 sacks and frightening everyone around him. But upon discovering the horrific truth at the end of the season, NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle ordered Walton to destroy his inhuman creation. Walton refused, instead fleeing with Kleckostein one night to the wilds of northern Canada. The two live there to this day, tackling moose, bears and caribou to make ends meet.
Joe Klecko, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 14)
9.23.2009
Tom Glavine, 1991 Studio
Tom Glavine, 1991 Studio
9.22.2009
Jerry Reuss, 1990 Topps
Team: Milwaukee Brewers, kind of
Position: N/A
Value of card: A lifetime of smiles
Key 1989 stat: One dugout sat in
Jerry Reuss, 1990 Topps
9.20.2009
Jack McKeon, 1989 Topps
Jack McKeon, 1989 Topps
Charlie O'Brien, 1992 Topps Stadium Club
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One run
Key 1991 stat: 2 passed balls
Nice catch, butterfingers: Poor Charlie O'Brien. It's bad enough that he hit .185 while platooning behind the plate in 1991, but imagine his embarassment when his kids brought home a pack of Topps Stadium Club cards the next year. A lot of other players had awesome photos on their cards that obviously had a lot of thought go into them. "Ooh, look at Ruben Sierra," the young'uns would say. "He's got such an awesome medallion! Oh, wow, Tim Wallach looks like he's from the future. George Bell's hair is so shiny! And Bill Wegman, um ... Dad, why did they put his name placard there?" Picture Charlie O'Brien sitting with his kids, laughing and poking fun at his major league colleagues — until they find his card. "Dad," the kids say, "why does your photo show you dropping a throw home?" Charlie just sits there, silent, his face turning eight shades of red. Since the Bust in no way endorses child abuse, we'll leave out what happened next, but suffice to say that the children knew to never bring baseball cards home again.
Charlie O'Brien, 1992 Topps Stadium Club
9.19.2009
Gene Larkin, 1989 Donruss
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: One jar of Nads
Key 1988 stat: 161 lives changed
A selfless slugger: Sure, the smaller-minded among us might laugh at this card. "Check out Larkin's monobrow," we might say. "It looks like his forehead is wearing a toupee," we might snicker. "How did his moustache get above his eyes?" we might ask. The truth is, Gene Larkin was a selfless man. At a time when most ballplayers were overly concerned with grooming and style, Larkin stepped up to the plate and became an eyebrow donor. Every year, thousands of young people across this country drunkenly fall asleep on a friend's couch only to wake up sans eyebrows. To some, it's a practical joke, but many victims don't know where to turn. Larkin and fellow major leaguer Mike Harkey provided an invaluable service to these unfortunate few, being able to harvest half of their forehead carpets to donate to the browless. We here at the Bust salute you, Gene Larkin, and your bushy benefaction.
However: Squatting is always funny.
Gene Larkin, 1989 Donruss
9.18.2009
Willie Greene, 1992 Bowman
The best-dressed team of 1991: Willie Greene had style in 1991, and so did his teammates. That's because the Double-A Carolina Mudcats were sponsored by JCPenney that year. Each player wore a classy ensemble from the young men's department; which outfit was chosen depended on a particular week's sales. In the photo above, Greene is sporting the Izod quad-stripe Easter polo, one of the season's hottest sellers. The photo was taken shortly before Greene's third at-bat. He struck out, but his style didn't.
Willie Greene, 1992 Bowman
9.17.2009
Harry Carson, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 13)
Harry Carson, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 13)
9.15.2009
Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell, The Dynamic Duo, 1990 Fleer
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: Three feet apart
Key 1989 stat: 73 goofy faces
Awkward team photos: The Dynamic Duo, indeed. Kevin Mitchell and Will Clark were so dynamic in 1989, they repelled each other like magnets. Here, the powerful pair have been asked to pose for a photo together by the crack Fleer photography team. "Get a little closer, guys," the photog asked them. "We can't," Clark informed him. "Watch." Clark and Mitchell then tried to bump chests, jumping in the air, only to be forced apart and come tumbling down on their backs. Stunned, the photographer asked, "Well, what's the closest you can get? Can you at least put your arms around each other?" "Well, kind of," Mitchell said. The photog readied his camera and captured this image. As you can see, the force of the Dynamic Duo's repulsion was so strong, the slightest touch forced Clark to make a creepy bedroom-eyes face and Mitchell's head to appear pasted in.
Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell, The Dynamic Duo, 1990 Fleer
9.14.2009
Ken Griffey Jr., 1989 BaseBall Caramels
Ken Griffey Jr., 1989 BaseBall Caramels
Ted Power, 1990 Topps
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The power of Ted
Key 1989 stat: Ten potential endings
Choose your own adventure: You are Ted Power, private detective by day, major league starter by night. When you're not tracking down criminals, you're throwing nasty splitters and change-ups. It's August 1989 and you're pitching the best game of your season. It's the top of the ninth and your team is up 2-0 thanks to a two-run jack from Pedro Guerrero. You're trying for the complete-game shutout, but suddenly the umpire has tightened the strike zone. You walk R.J. Reynolds and give up a bloop single to Mike "Spanky" Lavalliere, but bounce back to strike out the next two. Barry Bonds is striding to the plate and you see manager Whitey Herzog waddling out of the dugout. "This is it," you think, "he's gonna pull me. I was so freaking close!" But ol' Whitey just says, "Strike him out, kid." Re-energized, you look to the stands, where your wife, Helen, always sits. But something's wrong. Her face is pale and someone is standing too close to her. It's Knuckles Brannigan, the man you put away for a series of burglaries in 1981. You see a glint of steel near Helen's neck, but it's not her necklace — it's a knife. You look this deranged lunatic in the face and see him mouth two words: "Blow it." You realize this degenerate, who has likely bet on the Pirates, is going to kill your wife if you don't serve up a go-ahead home run. A flurry of choices runs through your head.
To throw an 85-mph fastball down the heart of the plate, allowing Bonds to win the game, click here.
To alert stadium security to the situation, click here.
To try and knock the blade out of Knuckles' hand with a heater, click here.
To realize your wife is a constant nag and that you haven't really loved her since she cheated on you four years ago, and therefore complete the shutout, click here.
Ted Power, 1990 Topps
9.12.2009
Candy Maldonado, 1991 Upper Deck
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 200
Key 1990 stat: One injury caused
Ready for some football: For good baseball teams, early September means playoff chases, jockeying for home-field advantage and giving your stars a little extra rest. But for bad teams, such as the hapless Cleveland Indians, September means looking forward to the start of football season. After a dispirited batting practice session, Candy Maldonado, Sandy Alomar and a handful of Tribe teammates would fire up a game of tag football or 500. Of course, footballs were hard to come by at Cleveland Stadium, so the hardballers were forced to improvise, using batting helmets instead of pigskins. Manager John McNamara was never thrilled with the pick-up games, but in an effort to maintain morale, he let them slide. In 1990, tragedy was waiting. Maldonado, who often served as all-time quarterback, was tossing a game of 500 and decided to throw a potential game-winner. "Five-hundred!" he shouted, and launched the helmet as far as he could, over the heads of his group of receivers. Speedster Alex Cole, who had yet to catch a pass that day, took off, trying to track down the missile in the outfield, where McNamara was taking the bullpen car for a joyride. Cole never saw him coming. A pair of compound fractures later, helmetball was banned.
Candy Maldonado, 1991 Upper Deck
Jose "Chico" Lind, 1992 Pinnacle Shades
Jose "Chico" Lind, 1992 Pinnacle Shades
9.11.2009
Matt Williams, 1993 Upper Deck
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: One bat knob
Key 1992 stat: 701 games of grabass
What a joker: That Matt Williams sure was a prankster in his day. Among the stunts he pulled during the 1992 season: He once played three innings in the field with no glove, bare-handing every ball hit his way; he didn't wear a cup the entire month of July; he once covered his sunglasses with eye black and still grabbed a hot shot heading down the line; for one August at-bat, he tied his own leg to Kevin Mitchell's and then ran three-legged to first after grounding one back up the middle. In the photo on this card, Williams has accepted a challenge to swing the wrong end of the bat. The fans, and even the Cubs bench, got a kick out of the joke — until Williams made contact. What should have been a harmless pop-up ended up with Williams' shattered bat handle lodged in Mike Harkey's calf. Williams, horrified and shaken, never laughed again.
Matt Williams, 1993 Upper Deck
9.10.2009
Sam Adams, 1994 Upper Deck Heavyweights (Football Friday No. 12)
Sam Adams, 1994 Upper Deck Heavyweights (Football Friday No. 12)
9.09.2009
Mike Schmidt, Eddie Murray, 1982 Topps League Leaders
Teams: Philadelphia Phillies, Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Third base, first base
Value of card: 20 ounces of facial hair
Key 1981 stat: One strike-shortened season
Top 10 categories at least one of these two led their leagues in:
10) RBIs
9) Ill-fitting batting helmets
8) Nose hair
7) Gap teeth
6) Removing vowels from "LEADERS"
5) Squinting
4) Amount of hair per square inch
3) Hot dogs eaten
2) Mutton chops
1) Awesomeness
Mike Schmidt, Eddie Murray, 1982 Topps League Leaders
9.08.2009
Cecil Fielder, 1991 Post Cereal Collector Series
Team: Detroit Tigers
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: Three buttons
Key 1990 stat: 275 lbs.
Mmm, Honey Comb: Most people, when first viewing this fine card that came in a box of Honey Comb, think that Post had to remove the team name and logos off Cecil Fielder's hat and uniform. This is not the case. No, you see, this photo from May 12, 1990, was taken at the heftiest of Big Daddy's playing days that season. Upon reporting to the visiting clubhouse in Kansas City before the game that day, Fielder realized his uniform top no longer fit his massive frame. Instead, manager Sparky Anderson had to call Camp Menowannodonuts, the nearest fat camp, and arrange to have a counselor rush over a size XXXL uniform — which, it turned out, was still a little form-fitting on the husky Fielder. A clubhouse attendant hurriedly unstitched the camp logo from the jersey, and an irate Anderson ordered him to remove the "D" from Fielder's cap, as well. "And make sure he doesn't eat the thread!" Anderson barked. But Fielder's embarrassment didn't end there that day. During a fifth-inning at-bat, the slugger took a monster cut at a Bret Saberhagen fastball. The ball went flying — and so did three of the buttons on Fielder's tent-size uniform. As seen on this card, Big Daddy was forced to play the rest of the game using just one button and a safety pin.
Cecil Fielder, 1991 Post Cereal Collector Series
Larry Parish, 1986 Topps; Vance Law, 1989 Topps
Larry Parish, 1986 Topps; Vance Law, 1989 Topps
9.06.2009
Nolan Ryan, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: 300 score marks on a prison wall
Key 1991 stat: Six months served
Don't mess with Nolan: In 1991, Nolan Ryan was framed for a crime he didn't commit and sentenced to two years in a Texas prison. (Yes, we realize you've never heard of this, but trust us — we're the Bust.) Ryan knew one thing: He had to kill someone on his first night in the slammer. He smuggled in a case of baseballs — don't ask how — picked out a target and nailed a convicted car thief in the head with a 102-mph heater. This killing did not have the intended effect. Ryan's victim, Billy "Chuckles" Belding, was well-liked among the inmates and had a lot of friends. As a result, Ryan found himself constantly fending off attackers, stuffing baseballs down their throats, cracking their skulls with fastballs or strangling them with twine from inside the tools of his trade. In all, Ryan killed more than 300 inmates, guards and visitors during his time in the big house. Ryan eventually realized it was either escape or face certain death. With the same rock hammer he used to keep score of all his kills, he dug through the wall of his cell and floated down the Rio Grande to freedom on a raft made of baseballs. He soon met up with four friends he had met inside. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire the Ryan Express.
Nolan Ryan, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions
9.05.2009
Nigel Wilson, 1994 Pinnacle Rookie Prospects
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One cupcake
Key 1993 stat: 247 times having the Heimlich maneuver performed on him
Short and sweet: Nigel Wilson's career may have been short-lived, but oh was it memorable. He hustled every play, no matter the situation. Weak grounder to first? He'd still fly down the line so fast that various parts of his uniform would come ripping off. He once ran so hard legging out a triple that by the time he got to third, he was wearing only a wifebeater and a jockstrap. But to keep up this boundless energy, Wilson — a sucker for sweets — was constantly snacking. He was known to jam a whole cupcake in his mouth before crucial at-bats. In the photo on this card, he had packed an entire Danish into his left cheek before knocking a hard single. The result is obvious: That helmet never stood a chance. But in the end, it was Wilson's sweet tooth that cut short his playing days. In a 1995 game against San Diego, Wilson was on his way to an infield double when the bearclaw he had stuffed in his maw got stuck in his throat. Nigel Wilson died that day doing what he loved: eating and hustling.
Nigel Wilson, 1994 Pinnacle Rookie Prospects
9.04.2009
Mark McGwire, 1992 Studio
Mark McGwire, 1992 Studio
9.03.2009
O.J. Simpson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 11)
Team: Buffalo Bills
Positions: Running back, actor
Value of card: Crime doesn't pay
Key 1991 stat: Two thumbs tucked into pockets
Remembering O.J.: Sure, O.J. Simpson is a convicted robber, burglar and kidnapper, and very likely got away with murder. But that's not the Juice I like to think about. When I think about O.J., two things come to mind.
1) The windbreaker he's wearing on this card. I'm pretty sure I got this same jacket by mailing in 20 General Mills cereal box tops in 1989. It was made of papier mache and did nothing to stop the wind.
2) One word: Nordberg.
O.J. Simpson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 11)
9.01.2009
Turk Wendell, 1993 Upper Deck Diamond Debuts
Turk Wendell, 1993 Upper Deck Diamond Debuts