Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Upper Deck Superhero Insert

Superhero name: The Raper

Alias: Cal Ripken Jr.

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Positions: Shortstop, superhero

Value of card: He'll make sure you get 10 to 20

Key 1992 stat: 143 people "saved"

Extent of costume: Two swipes of eye black

Weapon: Strategically placed phallic baseball bat

Mission: To rid the streets of criminals, just not rapers.

Source of powers: Human growth hormone, mock turtlenecks

Inspiration for "helping" others: Family tradition of abuse

Mortal enemy: Mysterious fir tree-shaped mountain of clouds, always lurking behind him, just out of sight

Slogan cliche alert: In the battle for eternity.

Misplaced punctuation: Period at end of incomplete sentence slogan

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Upper Deck Superhero Insert