Dave Winfield, 1991 Studio

Name: Dave Winfield
Team: California Angels
Position: Right field
Value of card: One case of Rawlings baseballs
Key 1990 stat: 400 balls cupped
My, what big hands you have: Wow, and we thought Julio Franco's 1991 Studio card was sexual. It turns out the Studio photographer that year was actually a disturbed 14-year-old boy in his parents' basement who had professional athletes do highly suggestive things with baseball equipment. We've now seen Winfield cupping multiple leathery balls, Franco whispering sweet nothings to his bat, Tom Glavine making bedroom eyes at the camera and Eddie Murray tickling himself. More research is needed, but we can only assume cards exist from this set featuring Roger Clemens holding handcuffs in his glove, a shirtless, oiled Cecil Fielder, and Keith Hernandez making sweet love to himself.

Dave Winfield, 1991 Studio

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps, 1989 Topps All-Star

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Two chemotherapy sessions
Key 1988 stat: One new game created
We have a winner: During this 1988 Minnesota-Detroit game, Topps was good enough to capture the beginning of a new game created by slugger Kent Hrbek and his Twin teammates. Called "Guess What You're Tasting," the contest involved blindfolding the player whose turn it was, cramming a wad of whatever into his mouth, removing the blindfold and then forcing the player to keep the substance in his mouth until he guessed correctly or vomited. The only restrictions: nothing that could cut or kill. Here we see Hrbek, at top, trying to determine what has just been stuffed into his considerable maw. He seems puzzled and possibly a little gassy. At bottom, on his fourth guess, a pleased Hrbek has finally come up with the correct answer: Gene Larkin's jock strap.

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps, 1989 Topps All-Star

John Franco, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: John Franco

Team: New York Mets

Position: Closer

Value of card: Six months of finger elephantiasis treatment

Key 1992 stat: 11 inches of mustache

Time for another pop quiz:

What is that on John Franco's face?

(A) A mirror image of his massive eyebrows

(B) The Tropic of Capricorn

(C) The embodiment of his infatuation with Tom Selleck

(D) The hide of his beloved ferret, Mr. Squiggles

(E) The Franco-Plush'en War

(F) All of the above

John Franco, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Eddie Whitson, 1989 Topps

Name: Eddie Whitson

Team: San Diego Padres

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Dirt (it's brown, at least)

Key 1988 stat: Five garbage truck routes on Wednesdays

10 things fans yelled at Eddie Whitson while he warmed up Sept. 23, 1989:

10) "Hey, Eddie, you delivered that package to the neighbor's?"

9) "It's nice you wore a nondescript brown jacket to hide your coveralls."

8) "Anybody ever tell you that you dress like Pete Vuckovich?"

7) "No, no, no. Having your hair on your forehead under your hat is a great look."

6) "It's impressive how your mustache extends to the inside of your mouth."

5) "Hey, the Padres' owner wanted me to tell you thanks for dressing up for the occasion."

4) "I can't believe your sideburns are made of elementary school chalkboard erasers."

3) "You still stink like this morning's garbage route."

2) "If your ears were any lower, they'd be on your neck."

1) "Wow. It is intimidating to be in the presence of such a sculpted, superior athlete."

Eddie Whitson, 1989 Topps

Jerome Brown, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 22)

Name: Jerome Brown

Team: Philadelphia Eagles

Position: Defensive tackle

Value of card: Three squares of toilet paper

Key 1989 stat: 10 awful smells wrapped into one

Quite a price for a play: Jerome Brown played hard. He'd do anything to make a play. This zeal was witnessed during a 1989 Philadelphia Eagles-Washington Redskins game when the defensive tackle crammed his face into quarterback Doug Williams' rear end to secure a third-down tackle. Lucky for Brown, this defining moment will live on forever thanks to the crack Score photography team. Too often early 1990s football cards showed interior linemen on sidelines with steam rising from their heads, or down on a knee, trying to lift themselves from a dogpile. But here, in all its glory, scores of American children were given the chance to see a 300-pound man with his nose, mouth, lips and chin jammed into the sweat-sopped backside of a 35-year-old Super Bowl champion. As Brown remarked after the game, "It smelled of sweat, crap, rotten fish, a rest stop mop, an amputee stump, crap, desperation, defeat, crap and a Sahara nomad's jock strap, and it tasted worse, but I made the play, and we won." So did the children of this great nation.

Jerome Brown, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 22)

Phillie Phanatic, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Suspect
Team: America's most wanted
Position: No. 7
Value of card: One piece of evidence
Key 1991 stat: One all-points bulletin
Missing: Shayna Kleffman, age 4, was last seen attending a Philadelphia Phillies game on Aug. 22, 1991. She has blond hair, blue eyes and was wearing a pink T-shirt and white skirt at the time of her disappearance. Witnesses say they saw Shayna approaching a man on top of the Phillies' dugout shortly before she was reported missing. The suspect is described as a furry, green manbeast with a large horn in place of a nose or mouth. He was last seen wearing a size 7XL replica Phillies jersey, a red ballcap turned sideways and orange baseball stirrups the size of duffel bags. The suspect has big, beady eyes and may be mentally deranged, police say. He is described as large, violent and extremely stinky. If you have any information on this case, call our tip line at 888-BBC-BUST.

Phillie Phanatic, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Chili Davis, 1993 Fleer

Name: Chili Davis
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: One bowl of chili
Key 1992 stat: 72 cases of heartburn
Pop quiz time:

Why is Chili Davis squatting like that?

A) He's reliving the rape shower he took that morning
B) He's beatboxing like a sucka MC
C) He's coughing up blood after being impaled in the chest by a broken bat
D) He's a designated hitter. What else is he supposed to do? Play defense?
E) Two words: Chili burps

Chili Davis, 1993 Fleer

Jose Canseco, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings

Names: Jose Canseco, Tattoo, Herve Villechaize

Teams: Oakland A's, The Fantasy Islands

Positions: Outfield, Mr. Roarke's assistant

Value of card: Dee plane, boss, dee plane

Key 1986 stat: 1 man, 1 golden gun

A small man with a big idea: Herve Villechaize was a diminutive actor best known for his roles in "Fantasy Island" and "The Man with the Golden Gun." Despite his theatrical credentials, he always dreamed of playing baseball. But at 2 feet, 4 inches, this was a dream destined to die.

Doubt gets short shrift: Villechaize never took no for an answer. When they told him he'd never be a TV star, did he listen? No. When they told him he'd never drink his weight in pina coladas, did he listen? No. When they told him he'd never reach the cookie jar on the kitchen counter, did he listen to them? No. So why would he listen to them when they said he'd never play baseball?

Reaching new heights: Tattoo, as his friends called him, started working out. He lifted weights like a midget on an mysterious island (umm, what?) and, despite his voracious appetite, he cut out booze, cigarettes and women from his diet. But with every weight he lifted the realization that he would never grow big enough to play professional baseball sank in deeper. In despair, he changed his name to "Jose Canseco," started overdosing on steer-oids, as he called them, and went on to enjoy a successful career in baseball that only months before seemed like a fantasy.

Jose Canseco, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings

Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Checklist

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Checklist

Value of card: Let us check

Key 1992 stat: 476 cards in the set

A player by any other name ... : Checklist had a bright future ahead of him in 1993. He was a six-tool player; he could hit for power, hit for average, run, throw, field and keep card numbers in sequential order. Checklist's 1992 stats were impressive: 421, 422, 423, 424, 425, 426, 427 and so on. Because of Checklist's performance keeping count, San Francisco Giants manager Dusty Baker gave him a shot on the big-league roster. Checklist took advantage of this opportunity, and flourished as the starting lineup card orderer. Sadly, Checklist's career was cut short when he suffered an ACL (Agonizing Continuity Loss) injury.

Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Barry Bonds, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Barry Bonds

Team: Pittsburgh Pirates

Positions: Left field, face on bat

Value of card: I'm (sob) not (sob) sure (sob)

Key 1990 stat: 12 buckets of tears

Time for another pop quiz:

Why is Barry Bonds melancholy?

(A) His ratty flattop needs a trim.

(B) His bat is cheating on him with Chuck Knoblauch and Julio Franco.

(C) The photographer made him take out his ridiculous cross earring for this card.

(D) He's ashamed of having a picture of himself on his wristbands.

(E) He had the foresight, in 1991, to realize this absurd pose would one day wind up on an even more absurd baseball card blog.

(F) All of the above.

Barry Bonds, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Michael Jordan, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Michael Jordan

Teams: Chicago White Sox, Chicago Bulls

Positions: Batting practice bum, guard

Value of card: Blackjack!

Key 1990 stat: Blackjack!

10 reasons Michael Jordan isn't a baseball player:

10) He wears a dress belt with baseball pants.

9) He double-dribbles on groundouts.

8) It's hard to stick out your tongue and take a Red Man.

7) Blackjack!

6) He sings every time he swings (see above).

5) Charlie Sheen requires too much time in underwear-modeling sessions.

4) There's nothing exciting about a "sacrifice dunk."

3) In batting practice, "nothing but net" isn't a good thing.

2) Scottie Pippen prefers badminton.

1) "Error" Jordan isn't a good nickname.

Michael Jordan, 1991 Upper Deck

Rick Mirer, 1993 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 21)

Name: Rick Mirer
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One case of road rash
Key 1993 stat: 68,212 times laughed at
It's a chopper, baby: The photo team at Pro Line was excited when Rick Mirer asked if he could bring his motorcycle to his shoot in 1993 — at least, until Mirer showed up. The rookie QB rolled into the studio's parking lot on the Harley he had purchased with his signing bonus, wearing the free Seahawks leather jacket that came with the bike, a pair of mom jeans, prescription round-lensed sunglasses and his football helmet. Knowing that a photo of any man dressed like this should never see the light of day, the Pro Line photographer did the only thing he could: He conducted the shoot inside a dark, windowless warehouse on the outskirts of the Emerald City.

Rick Mirer, 1993 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 21)

Bob Welch, 1991 Score

Name: Bob Welch

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Ace

Value of card: A handful of pennies

Key 1990 stat: 46 reconstructive surgeries

New face of baseball: In the months after the 1990 season, Bob Welch was injured in a horrific pitching machine accident. From the neck down, he was fine, but his head was reduced to a pulpy sludge, every bone broken, every link to his face erased. His fans and teammates thought the worst, as did most medical professionals. Then Lithuanian Dr. Bronislovas stepped to the plate with a radical surgery he said could save the Cy Young winner. Sixty-seven straight hours of life-saving surgery passed, then dozens of follow-up surgeries and months of rehabilitation. When Welch held a news conference on Opening Day 1991, fans around the world were amazed: His face now resembled a baseball, he could see through what looked like fingernails and he had retained his command of the split-finger fastball.

Bob Welch, 1991 Score

Kevin Mitchell, Ken Griffey Jr., Jay Buhner, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Names: Kevin Mitchell, Ken Griffey Jr., Jay Buhner
Teams: Seattle Mariners, Pacific Sock Exchange
Positions: Left, center and right field
Value of card: Five bats
Key 1992 stat: 490 socks exchanged
It's time for The Matchup, trio-style — 2 points for a win, 1 point for a tie:

Round 1: Number of bats (Winner: Tie between Mitchell and Buhner)
Round 2: Stockiness (Winner: Mitchell)
Round 3: Lack of expression (Winner: Griffey)
Round 4: Boyish pranks (Winner: Buhner)
Round 5: Socks (Winner: Inconclusive, as they're constantly being exchanged)
Round 6: Sleeves (Winner: Mitchell)
Round 7: Best use of metal suitcase (Winner: Griffey)
Round 8: Mock turtlenecks: (Winner: Tie between Mitchell and Buhner)
Round 9: Bulge (Winner: Mitchell)
Round 10: Having same name as father (Winner: Griffey)

Final score: Mitchell 8, Griffey 6, Buhner 4

Kevin Mitchell, Ken Griffey Jr., Jay Buhner, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Jim Palmer, 1984 Topps Purina Dog Chow insert

Name: Jim Palmer

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Position: Ace

Value of card: Four globs of shaving cream

Key 1983 stat: Two glistening cheeks

Script from Barbasol television commercial, circa 1984: "Hi there, sports fans, Jim Palmer here. You know I've had some close shaves on the mound through the years. (Cut to shot of Palmer on the mound; batted ball whizzes past his head; close-up of Palmer mouthing the word, "Wowsers.") But nothing compares to the close shave I get with Barbasol. (Holds up can of Barbasol shaving cream, smiles wide, tooth glistens.) Without Barbasol, every day can be a rough outing (close-up of Palmer running his hand up a stubbled cheek), and no one wants that. I've experienced success on the diamond, partly thanks to my razor-sharp control. But off the field, my success comes from my razor and a can of thick and rich Original Barbasol. So, trust me, fellas, be a team player (woman's arms reach over Palmer's shoulders; her hands start rubbing his cheek; he laughs with bravado) and pick up a can of Barbasol. It's a home run every time."

Jim Palmer, 1984 Topps Purina Dog Chow insert

Todd Day, 1992 Star Pics

Name: Todd Day
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pinch bunter
Value of card: One hour of child labor
Key 1991 stat: 85 times hit by pitches
Kids get hit by the darndest things: Inspired by the legend of Eddie Gaedel, a dwarf who pinch-hit in a major league game, Dodgers owner Peter O'Malley decided to pull his own publicity stunt in 1991, signing 10-year-old Todd Day to make one pinch-hitting appearance in an early-season game against the St. Louis Cardinals. But what was meant to be a light-hearted moment took a serious turn when a confused Tommy Lasorda ordered Day to sacrifice bunt Eddie Murray to second. Day, who had never bunted before, awkwardly grasped both ends of his miniature bat, straddled the plate and was subsequently drilled in the chest by Bob Tewksbury. Lasorda, never one to quickly give up on a prospect, proceeded to start Day the next 30 games, convincing O'Malley he was actually Darryl Strawberry. Day was forced to bunt every at-bat, and was plunked 85 consecutive times. He got a sac bunt down on his 86th try and was summarily released by the Dodgers. Slightly brain-damaged and terrified of open fields, there was only one career path left for Day to follow: professional basketball.

Todd Day, 1992 Star Pics

Archie Corbin, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Archie Corbin (No, we didn't PhotoShop that name.)

Team: Kansas City Royals

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Cost of admission

Key 1991 stat: Seven blaxploitation movies

Archie gets the "Shaft": "Archie! Who's the black pitcher dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? (Archie!) You're damn right. Who is the man that would throw a pitch at his brother man? (Archie!) Can ya dig it? Who's the cat that won't pop out when there's still only one man out? (Archie!) Right on. You see this cat Archie is a bad mother ... (Shut yo mouth.) But I'm talkin' 'bout Archie. (Then we can dig it!) He's a complicated at-bat and no one understands him but his catcher. (Archie Corbin!)"

Archie Corbin, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Tony Phillips, 1986 Topps

Name: Tony Phillips

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Middle infield

Value of card: Not enough to raise an eyebrow

Key 1985 stat: 46 things in his hands

Phillips carries his weight: The Oakland A's teams of the late 1980s and early 1990s were some of the best of the era. They had such power hitters as Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire, a dominant closer in Dennis Eckersley and a reliable catcher in Terry "Two Chins" Steinbach. Because of such stars, a utility infielder like Tony Phillips had a hard time getting noticed. But Phillips was a gamer. He knew he needed to carry his own weight in order for the A's to be successful. The problem was this: Phillips didn't understand that "carry your own weight" was just an idiom. He took its meaning literally, and began carrying around whatever he came across to show his commitment to the team. The photo above exemplifies this, with Phillips carrying a ball, a bat, an infielder's mitt, batting gloves, a much-too-long pen, a reasonable mustache, the expectations of his family in Georgia, the memories of his bedroom failings with dozens of women, an infant chinchilla and an askew hat. Carrying his weight began to weigh on Phillips, and he batted in .203 in 1988. A's manager Tony LaRussa theorized that Phillips could have had a better year if he had put down the ball, pen, batting gloves and infielder's mitt when he stepped up to the plate.

Tony Phillips, 1986 Topps

Derrick Thomas, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 20)

Name: Derrick Thomas
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One sensitivity class
Key 1992 stat: One gigantic fire stood in front of
Great moments in awkwardness: Skybox opted to take a risk in its 1992 set, selecting a number of players to debut its "Tackling Racial Stereotypes" subset. Things quickly got out of hand. If you think this card is offensive, you should see Atlanta Falcons coach Jerry Glanville's Ku Klux Klan card, Flipper Anderson and Marcus Allen's "Crips vs. Bloods: Battle of L.A." card, or Luis Zendejas wading across the Rio Grande on his card. They even got Steve Young to dress up like a geisha girl, which was just weird.

Derrick Thomas, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 20)

Frank Thomas, 1993 Score Dream Team

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: One pickup line
Key 1992 stat: Zero times crashed and burned
Frank Thomas, pickup artist: "Well, hello there. Come here often? My name's Frank. You know, a lot of people call me Big Hurt, but I think I just scraped my knee falling for you. Do you like my jacket? Me too, but I bet it'd look better on your floor. Baby, I'm sorry. No, I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you. Come on, girl, we're already at the stadium — let's take a trip around the bases. I hope you work for UPS, because I've got a package for you to handle. Hey, where are you going, sweet thing? If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"

Frank Thomas, 1993 Score Dream Team

Jim Thome, 1992 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Name: Jim Thome
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Third base
Value of card: One beating
Key 1991 stat: 25 punks turned away
Welcome to the team: As a rookie prospect undergoing hazing in 1991, Jim Thome thought he was getting off easy when he was assigned to be a night watchman at Cleveland Stadium. It wasn't so bad at first; he got to wear his letterman's jacket when it was cold, and he was provided an unlimited number of bats and baseballs with which to bust the skulls of would-be ne'er-do-wells. But things turned ugly one June night when a group of eight drunken longshoremen turned up, asking for a meeting with struggling manager John McNamara. Thome, ever confident, told the men to take their show back to the Cuyahoga. The situation quickly escalated. Thome was forced to eat splinters from his own bats, was run over by the bullpen car and ended up bound and gagged aboard a garbage barge on Lake Erie. Hats off, Jim Thome!

Jim Thome, 1992 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Dan Walters, 1993 Fleer

Name: Dan Walters

Team: San Diego Padres

Position: Catcher

Value of card: This much (hold hands 2 inches apart)

Key 1992 stat: 418 straight minutes squatting

10 things the photographer could have said to make Walters pose this way:

10) "OK, let's make sure your junk is on display for the kiddies."

9) "Because you're a baseball player, pretend like you're about to catch a football."

8) "Show me those gaps between your teeth, tiger."

7) "Try to look as unathletic as possible."

6) "Act like you're approaching a pretty lady at the bar."

5) "Those are radical armbands, dude. We should show them off."

4) "Demonstrate how never to catch a baseball."

3) "Let's role play: Pretend you're a midget at a nudist colony."

2) "Show me on one hand how many hits you had last season."

1) "Pretend you're taking a dump."

Dan Walters, 1993 Fleer

Delino DeShields, 1992 Leaf

Name: Delino DeShields

Team: Les Expos de Montreal

Position: Second base

Value of card: Not sure, but it's high

Key 1991 stat: 43-inch vertical leap

Go ahead and jump: Delino DeShields stole 463 bases in his career. That's an impressive number, but what made it more impressive was his gazelle-like running style. Deshields would prance down the line after a pitcher started his movement to the plate. DeShields' leaps were so long and graceful, he was able to beat out most throws from the catcher. When asked how he learned to run like this, DeShields' answer hearkened to his childhood: "Ever since I was a kid, I would imagine there were giant piles of crap in the base paths, so I would remember to run on the tips of my toes, not the balls of my feet. This led to the leaping." As the card above proves, this child's fantasy finally came true.

Delino DeShields, 1992 Leaf

John Kruk, 1987 Topps

Name: John Kruk
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Four cans of Keystone Ice
Key 1986 stat: One paunch
Virility, redefined: This, my friends, is a baseball player. The slumped shoulders, the protruding gut, the complete lack of muscle tone, the blank stare, the pasty skin — all of it adds up to the perfect athlete. John Kruk could mow through a pitching staff just as easily as he could pound a turkey leg. What's most impressive is how Kruk kept his Adonis-like form throughout his playing days — while adding stunning hairstyles — and even into a broadcasting gig once his playing days were over. Cheers, John Kruk!

John Kruk, 1987 Topps

Pete Incaviglia and Jose Canseco, 1987 Fleer SuperStar Specials

Names: Pete Incaviglia, Jose Canseco

Teams: Texas Rangers, Oakland A's

Positions: Outfield, Outfield

Value of card: Two cycles of steroids

Key 1986 stat: One uncomfortable photo session

Are you ready for The Matchup?

Round 1: Arm hair (Winner: Incaviglia)

Round 2: Stupid look on his face (Winner: Canseco)

Round 3: Carny hands (Winner: Incaviglia)

Round 4: Facial hair (Winner: Incaviglia)

Round 5: Beer league softball uniforms (Winner: Tie)

Round 6: Dwarfism (Winner: Incaviglia)

Round 7: Blindingly obnoxious armbands (Winner: Canseco)

Round 8: Vowels in surname (Winner: Incaviglia)

Round 9: Tiny hats on huge heads (Winner: Tie)

Score: Incaviglia 5, Canseco 2 (Ties, 2)

Synopsis: In a landslide, Incaviglia dominates Canseco, illustrating why it's important for ballplayers to wear their talent above the lip and to overcome disabilities and tiny hands.

Pete Incaviglia and Jose Canseco, 1987 Fleer SuperStar Specials

Deion Sanders, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 19)

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One Trapper Keeper
Key 1991 stat: Two Prime Times
For the children: In an effort to save money in 1991, Upper Deck did away with hiring professional artists for its illustrated cards, instead letting employees' children do the honors. Here we see 13-year-old Vance Wells' rendering of Deion "Prime Time" Sanders. Sure, Deion appears to have a fake left arm made of oak and a smile like that of a ventriloquist's dummy, but, dang it, little Vance worked hard on this. His middle school art classes really paid off on his towel drawings, and there is very little bleeding in the "PRIME TIME" stenciling. Plus, the penmanship on Deion's headband is at least worth a B. You know, for Bust.

Deion Sanders, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 19)

Kenny Lofton, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Kenny Lofton

Team: Cleveland Indians

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Hmm ...

Key 1992 stat: Hmm ...

Kenny Lofton's stream of consciousness, 2:47 to 2:48 p.m. June 6, 1992 (above): "What are these contraptions? They look like eyeglasses, but the lenses are black. Why would one wear these? Ooh, shiny. Look how long my fingers are. I better polish these black eyeglasses. Ooh, shiny. Oh. My. Gosh. I can see my reflection in these black eyeglasses. Smile, Kenny. You're so silly. Ooh, shiny. Why would one wear these black eyeglasses? Perhaps to protect one's eyes from the sun? That's it. What was that noise? Oh, Paul Sorrento is barking like a dog with his pants off again. Don't stare, Kenny. Don't stare. You're not attracted to that. Just keep looking at these black eyeglasses. Ooh, shiny."

Kenny Lofton, 1993 Upper Deck

Carl Yastrzemski, 1983 Topps

Name: Carl Yastrzemski

Team: Boston Red Sox

Position: Designated (infield practice) hitter

Value of card: $4 ear hair trim at Fantastic Sam's

Key 1982 stat: 7,212 balls hit in practice; zero balls hit during games

(Barely) living legend: As far as mythical baseball heroes go in Beantown, few rival "Yaz." He is the last player to win the Triple Crown and was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1989. In 67 seasons with the Red Sox, he produced some of the biggest numbers and deepest sunken eyes in franchise history. This may explain why management had a tough time letting him go. In the 1983 season, the man of many consonants played the role of designated infield practice hitter, as seen above. The crowds came out in droves to see Yastrzemski, but usually were disappointed when he'd leave the stadium after hitting a few fungos to make sure he hit Denny's Early Bird Special. Unfounded rumors spread that he was so old he farted dust, his Social Security number was 1 and he remembered when rainbows were black and white, but he did take Don Zimmer's mother to junior prom.

Carl Yastrzemski, 1983 Topps

Barry Bonds, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Barry Bonds

Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One giant black and yellow belt
Key 1990 stat: Endless omens
Seeing into the future: You have to give credit to the artists at Fleer. Sure, even in 1990, everyone knew Barry Bonds was a potent slugger who injected fear into the hearts of his opponents. We knew his bat was a dangerous, if not lethal, object. We knew he was from some alternate universe where the night sky was somehow black and yellow, and that his eyes were ridiculously small compared with the rest of his face. But what this artist saw that no one else did was that Bonds was on BGH — belt growth hormone. During his rookie season, Bonds' belt was inconspicuous, if not scrawny. But slowly, as the years went by, his waistband grew to an abnormal width, leaving the public with no choice but to question whether he was using accessory enhancing drugs. The rumors hung over his head like a Baseball Card Bust cup, and the sport's fans turned on him, throwing sashes, cumberbunds and girdles on the field until his retirement after the 2007 season.

Barry Bonds, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Shane Conlan, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 8)

Name: Shane Conlan, aka The Barbarian

Team: Faint Louis Rams

Position: Linebacker

Fright value of card: One cluster of wool

Key 1993 splat: Two kitty paws over shoulders

10 things you may not know about Shane Conlan:

10) He drives a Dodge truck.

9) He has a lot of random-access memory.

8) He slams his head into other men's heads to win women's affection.

7) He plays the horn.

6) His last girlfriend? Ewe.

5) His head is now mounted on a hunter's wall.

4) He often has the wool pulled over his eyes.

3) He has an insatiable taste for mutton.

2) He's an Aries.

1) Puns make him sheepish.

Shane Conlan, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 8)