Troy Aikman, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Week No. 1)

Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 20 sweaty reps
Key Super Bowl stat: Wished to play the Buffalo Bills every year 1,305 times
Welcome to Super Bowl Week: In honor of the nation's most overhyped athletic contest, the Bust is spending the week mocking some of the greatest Super Bowl champions. You're welcome, America.
You're doing it wrong: Poor Troy Aikman. He never learned how to properly exercise. Sure, it was hilarious to watch him hit the weight room; he'd do handstands on the StairMaster, attempt leg presses with his teeth and run around with dumbbells tied to his ankles. Look how sweaty he is in this photo. Beads of perspiration are dripping from his red cheeks, his bangs and the tail of his pseudo-mullet. His shorts appear to have absorbed 13 gallons of what we hope is sweat. He looks like he's about to have a coronary. If only there were some sort of directions on how to use the chest-press machine!

Troy Aikman, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Week No. 1)

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Rickey Henderson

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Left field

Value of card: One silver-dollar necklace

Key 1990 stat: 11 corns on feet

Rickey be Rickey ... everywhere: Rickey Henderson intimidated pitchers from a crouch, a few feet from a base, arms dangling, fingers nearly touching the ground, heels slightly off the dirt and eyes focused. He swiped base after base, earning the nickname "The Man of Steal." But Rickey Be Rickey didn't only hone his game on the diamond. At the supermarket, he'd get down in a crouch, and — whoosh — he'd grab a gallon of milk and, before anyone noticed, he'd be at home, making cereal. In a traffic jam, he'd get down in a crouch, and — whoosh — he'd be at his destination, with other drivers stuck behind his abandoned Ferrari in the fast lane. At home in the morning, above, Rickey would get down in a crouch, and — whoosh — he'd shower, brush his teeth, comb his hair and put on an obnoxious piece of jewelry, all before the alarm finished its first ring. In the bedroom, Rickey would get down in a crouch, focus his eyes on his lover and — whoosh — he'd be snoring with a half-eaten sandwich on his pillow and a smile on his face.

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score Dream Team

Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Kevin Mitchell

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Sorry, it's too dark to read its value

Key 1991 stat: One bare-handed catch in left field

10 things you may not know about Kevin Mitchell, circa 1992

10) He was the pitchman for Vidal Sassoon's Paint-On Facial Hair.

9) He had the largest hand in the Western Hemisphere.

8) He always sat this way, but usually while holding a can of Colt 45.

7) He boiled down that necklace to replace his gold teeth with a platinum grill.

6) Underneath the windbreaker: mummy.

5) During this photo shoot, he was watching Will Clark shower.

4) No one dared mock him about his mock turtleneck.

3) He perspired Cool Water cologne.

2) The hat was superimposed; the darkness surrounding him is actually his afro.

1) Starred in B-movie: "The Blackest Man in Baseball."

Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Detroit Lions, 1990 Argus (Football Friday No. 30)

Name: See below

Team: Detroit Lions

Positions: All of them

Value of card: Six hairballs

Key 1989 stat: Six straight hours licking himself

Not quite a lion, but ...: The Detroit Lions were in shambles. The team stunk, the fans booed and management was out of answers. Team owner William Clay Ford knew he needed butts in the seats and wins on the field. How to do both in one fell swoop? Ford took a risk and signed a free agent out of the SPCA, a hungry cat with a taste for smashmouth football and lasagna. He had a reputation for being lazy, but on the field, the opposite was true. The orange of his fur was only outshined by the bravery in his heart. The cat's name?

Detroit Lions, 1990 Argus (Football Friday No. 30)

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Bazooka insert

Name: Gary Sheffield
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Five petrified pieces of bubble gum
Key 1988 stat: Two Ted Power books read
Choose your own adventure: You are Gary Sheffield, stud baseball rookie and badass. Your gold necklace weighs 5 pounds and your bat shoots stars when you swing it. You're on deck during the bottom of the ninth in a tie game with the White Sox and decide to pop a refreshing piece of Bazooka bubble gum. OW! Turns out the gum you put in your mouth is hard as a rock, and you now have two broken molars! Manager Tom Trebelhorn is ready to send in a pinch hitter for you. What do you do?

To wuss out and let someone else bat for you, click here.
To pop another piece of delicious Bazooka gum and let the chips fall where they may, click here.
To lose your mind and start shooting stars from your bat at everyone, click here.
To rip off your sleeves, swallow your broken teeth and stride to plate like a badass, click here.

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Bazooka insert

Alex Cole, 1993 Topps

Name: Alex Cole
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: $5 off at LensCrafters
Key 1992 stat: One disability
An enterprising generation: Tragedy befell Alex Cole after the 1992 season when he was blinded during a freak sausage-grinding accident. It appeared the young outfielder's career was over — until technophile Tim Wallach stepped in. Wallach, who had developed a time-traveling device that doubled as a rad sports car, took Cole into the future, where the speedster was fitted with a Visual Instrument and Sensory Organ Replacement, or VISOR, much like the one on that "Star Trek" show. The device allowed Cole to see many different visual spectra and even provided him the advantage of X-ray vision. Commissioner Bud Selig originally wanted to ban Cole's device, but, upon seeing it, changed his ruling on the grounds that it was so bitchin'.

Alex Cole, 1993 Topps

Chili Davis, 1992 Topps Kids

Name: Chili Davis

Team: Minnesota Twins

Position: Designated hitter

Value of card: One corset

Key 1991 stat: Gained 24 pounds in head weight

A mean case of heartburn: Ooh, was Chili Davis mad when he saw this card for the first time. Taking the ice on his illustrated bat as an insult to his hitting ability, the big man spent the next year tracking down the artist who had drawn the card. Davis showed up on his doorstep one February morning, ready to pummel the illustrator. The would-be victim tried to explain that he was going for a play on "chilly," a homonym of the slugger's name, but Davis would not listen. Realizing his only chance was to run, the artist bolted out of his home and down the block. Davis gave chase, but his spindly, little legs could only carry him so fast. Eventually, the top-heavy Davis fell over in a heap, unable to get back up.

Chili Davis, 1992 Topps Kids

Kenny Lofton, 1995 Donruss Diamond Kings

Name: Kenny Lofton
Team: Cleveland Indians

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Nine splotches of paint

Key 1994 stat: One work of "art"

10 questions poised after seeing this card:

10) Why is toxic ooze pouring out of the back of Lofton's neck?

9) Is camouflage a normal color for one's face, or is it a new race?

8) Why is Lofton wearing a woman's sweater, circa 1989?

7) How stoned was this guy "Perez," the artist?

6) Is Lofton surprised he's being painted, or just embarrassed?

5) Wasn't this same concept used in two dozen blaxploitation films in the 1970s?

4) Why is Lofton's hat as wide as his shoulders?

3) With the obvious use of mascara, doesn't this qualify more as a "Diamond Queen"?

2) Why is part of Lofton's mustache missing?

1) Are we supposed to be impressed with this garbage?

Kenny Lofton, 1995 Donruss Diamond Kings

Tony LaRussa, 1991 Studio checklist

Name: Tony LaRussa
Team: Oakland Athletics
Positions: Manager, Thinker
Value of card: One Bill Sampen sighting
Key 1990 stat: Zero haircuts
Tony LaRussa's thoughts from 10:34 a.m. to 10:35 a.m.: "This Sears photo studio is nicer than I expected. ... I hope McGwire's OK. He seems to be injecting himself with a lot of B12 lately. ... Oh man, I am totally nailing this 'Thinker' pose right now. Wait, maybe if I look a little more to the left — YES! ... God, Canseco is such a tool. ... I can't believe we lost the Series to the Reds. If only Todd Van Poppel had been ready. He's going to be such a stud! ... I hope they use this shot, but I really hope it's not on something lame, like a checklist card. And if it is, I hope it's not on the same checklist as that greaseball, John Franco. I can't believe he said that to Sandy Alderson's daughter. Creep-o!"

Tony LaRussa, 1991 Studio checklist

Cardinals leaders, 1989 Topps

Name: Cardinals Leaders

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Positions: All of them

Value of card: Three cotton balls

Key 1988 stat: Two punches at the same time

A Cardinal sin: No one on the Cardinals liked Tom Brunansky. He belittled teammates, insulted fans and, worst of all, he had a penchant for violence. Brunansky's violent streak even came out in times of celebration. After hitting a home run off Pirates grease-ball Bob Walk, Brunansky, above right, touched home plate and simultaneously punched infielder Luis Alicea in the nose and outfielder Curt Ford in the midsection. "Take that, peons," Brunansky yelled through a mouthful of chew spit. "Make way, this Cardinal is spreading his wings!"

Fun fact: The above photo was taken through the perspective of Cardinals manager Whitey Herzog, who saw the whole world as if it were shaped like a 1978 Ford Fiesta.

Cardinals leaders, 1989 Topps

Jeff Burris, 1994 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 29)

Name: Jeff Burris
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: Two shiny buttons
Key 1993 stat: Shattered the uncomfortability scale
Awkward pop quiz time:

What's the most disturbing thing about the photo on this card?

A) How Jeff Burris is covering his chest like it's cold, even though he's stripped to his skivvies on the beach.
B) Good god, man, put on some pants!
C) Burris' brass belly button
D) The way Burris' chin seems to disappear directly into his neck
E) The two polished buttons that draw the eye to Burris' bulge
F) Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice

Jeff Burris, 1994 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 29)

Keith and Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Names: Keith Mitchell, Kevin Mitchell
Teams: Atlanta Braves, San Francisco Giants
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two vials of blood
Key 1991 stat: One shared at-bat
It's The Matchup, family style:

Round 1: Smallness (Winner, Keith)
Round 2: First out of the batter's box (Winner, Keith)
Round 3: Holding the wrong end of the bat (Winner, Keith)
Round 4: Ability to keep eyes open (Winner, Kevin)
Round 5: Teeth chipped on doughnuts, lifetime (Winner, Kevin)
Round 6: Ability to stay in the majors (Winner, Kevin)
Round 7: Hitting other cousin in the back with bat (Winner, Kevin)
Round 8: Creepiness of mustache (Winner, Keith)
Round 9: Who does grandma love more? (Winner, Keith)

Score: Keith 5, Kevin 4

Synopsis: After giving up a big early lead, the diminutive Keith Mitchell rallies back for a win, the only time he has ever outperformed his cousin.

Keith and Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Chris Sabo, 1993 Studio

Name: Chris Sabo
Team: Don't know. You think it's the Reds?
Position: Third base
Value of card: GIGANTIC GOGGLES
Key 1993 stat: 419 disdainful glances
Ten things Chris Sabo can see through that windshield on his face:
10) Three Jose Rijos
9) Cleveland, unfortunately
8) The reason Mr. Roberts is named "Bip"
7) A giant Cincinnati Reds uniform. Wait, that's just the background
6) An injury-plagued career
5) Rob's "Dibble"
4) His chemistry homework
3) James Worthy's old eye boogers
2) "Avatar" in 3-D
1) The future

Chris Sabo, 1993 Studio

Ken Griffey Jr., 1989 Premier Player Gold Edition

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Fuchsia
Key 1988 stat: What? I couldn't hear you over this card!
A ponderous question: At what point does a baseball card cease to be a baseball card and instead become pop art? Sure, Ken Griffey is a baseball player, and he's obviously about to take a pitch, bat in hand. But the rest of this card is grossly devoid of baseball (and taste). Instead, it looks like zombie Andy Warhol climbed out of his grave, threw up flowers on a canvas, pasted a picture of The Kid on top and added some gold leaf for effect. Huzzah!

Ken Griffey Jr., 1989 Premier Player Gold Edition

Ricky Bones, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ricky Bones

Team: San Diego Padres

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Two clavicles

Key 1991 stat: One butt that looks like a face

What other jobs has Ricky Bones held?

(A) Porn star (Ricky Bones: Yes he does.)

(B) Mullet groomer

(C) Intergalactic doctor

(D) Drummer, Stones cover band, Rolling Bones

(E) Biology class skeleton

(F) All of the above

Ricky Bones, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Julio Franco, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Julio Franco
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Second base
Value of card: One smack on the rump
Key 1991 stat: 28 sexual harassment claims filed against him
Inappropriate behavior: A year after losing his soul mate, Rangers second baseman Julio Franco had finally moved on with his life and began again playing the field, if you will. Unfortunately, Franco's social skills had eroded, leaving him prone to interpersonal gaffes. Here we see a confused Franco about to smack the rear of a nameless opponent — the Bust does not identify victims of sex crimes — or as he called it "slapping the tag." This maneuver not only failed to get him any action, it also got him beaten up by the Milwaukee Brewers bullpen after the game.

Julio Franco, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Erik Hanson, 1989 Donruss

Name: Erik Hanson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Your milk money
Key 1988 stat: 914 nerd alerts
What a dork: Erik Hanson was a nerd. He collected model trains, could speak Klingon and ran a weekly Dungeons & Dragons game out of his parents' basement. This did not translate well during his rookie season with the Mariners. After challenging teammate Mickey Brantley to a game of Magic, Brantley gave Hanson a series of noogies, a swirly and a wedgie so atomic that Hanson had to remove his own Fruit of the Loom tag from his gall bladder. After weeping for an hour in his locker, a mortified Hanson requested a trade and entered the witness-protection program, changing his name to Craig Counsell.

Erik Hanson, 1989 Donruss

Dan McGwire, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 28)

Name: Dan McGwire
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Positions: Quarterback, leg model
Value of card: One class on how to stop taking bad photos
Key 1991 stat: One start to a non-existent career
Top 10 fun facts about Dan McGwire:
10) Threw exactly two more NFL touchdowns than his brother, Mark McGwire
9) Refused to allow his left foot to be photographed
8) Spent way too much time with one hand on his hip
7) Bought his shorts at the same store as John Stockton
6) First team, NFL's All-Irrelevant squad, 1992-95
5) Often thought of as the league's best kneeler
4) Loves Ovaltine
3) Parlayed failed football career into failed T.G.I. Friday's bartending career
2) Preferred to throw the football like a shotput
1) Moonlighted as a cover model for Leg & Windbreaker Fancy Magazine

Dan McGwire, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 28)

Dave Justice, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Dave Justice

Teams: Atlanta Braves, Department of Justice

Positions: Outfield, detective

Value of card: Three scalps

Key 1991 stat: Zero headdresses, thank god

A different kind of crime fighter: Justice, Dave Justice. He's a cool, calculating lawman with a penchant for blood and blondes. Evil, you say? Justice is ready with his quick wit and quicker tomahawk. He strikes fear into the hearts of criminals and Native American rights groups. Justice lays down the law, and if you disagree, why don't you step back and read his last name again. Justice. That's right, Justice. He may not take his stereotypes to offensive levels, but he will use a tomahawk to chop down rapists, killers and anyone who plays for the Mets. Justice: Just don't forget.

Dave Justice, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions

Larry Walker, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Larry Walker

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Right field

Value of card: One pair of blue cleats

Key 1991 stat: Seven surgeries on testicles

Time for another pop quiz:

What question did Larry Walker yell after getting to third base?

(A) "Why are you punching me in the nuts?"

(B) "Who's that out-of-focus guy botching up the card?"

(C) "How can I take my eyes off that keister?"

(D) "Why are you copying my mullet?"

(E) "Why are you bent over with your mouth wide open and your hands stretched toward my goods?"

(F) All of the above

Larry Walker, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Frank Thomas, 1994 Fleer All Star

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Freedom isn't free
Key 1993 stats: 50 stars, 13 stripes
Proud to be an American, Part 2: How American was Frank Thomas during his playing days? He was so American, he lived inside the Lincoln Memorial and bathed in the Capitol Reflecting Pool. He was so American, he bred bald eagles and rode one to each game. He was so American, he kept copies of the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address and the Bill of Rights in his bathroom as reading material. Frank Thomas was so American, both his names were those of former presidents. He was so American he recited the Pledge of Allegiance before every at-bat. He was so American, he arm-wrestled Mark McGwire in every national park for the title of Most American Person Ever. Frank Thomas was so damn American, he swam the Mississippi River, bare-knuckle boxed a grizzly bear and kicked Fidel Castro in the groin all in one day! USA! USA! USA!

Frank Thomas, 1994 Fleer All Star

Lenny Dykstra, Dale Murphy, 1991 Donruss

Names: Lenny Dykstra, aka Dr. Dirt; Dale Murphy, aka Mr. Clean

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Positions: Outfielders

Value of card: 10 percent off your next dry-cleaning bill

Key 1990 stat: One picture taken at a JC Penney photo studio

Look out, it's The Matchup:

Round 1: Alliteration in fake name (Winner: Dykstra)

Round 2: Presentability (Winner: Murphy)

Round 3: Bulge (Winner: Dykstra)

Round 4: Made-up doctorate degrees (Winner: Dykstra)

Round 5: Awkwardness (Winner: Tie)

Round 6: Mock turtlenecks (Winner: Dykstra)

Round 7: Veiny wrists (Winner: Murphy)

Score: Dykstra 4, Murphy 2 (Ties, 1)

Synopsis: Despite having a very, very noticeable edge in height and veins, Murphy (and the rest of us) can't overcome Dykstra's absurd, dirt-covered bulge.

Lenny Dykstra, Dale Murphy, 1991 Donruss

Bo Jackson, 1985 Heisman Series (Bo Week, No. 7)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Auburn Tigers
Positions: Running back, winner
Value of card: One giant, Photoshopped trophy
Key 1985 stat: First of thousands of ridiculous, Bo-related sports cards
Bo, we salute you: For having two all-star careers cut short by a hip injury. For being a better video game athlete than real-life athlete. For your bulge of legend. For being upstaged by Bo Diddley. For going by "Bo" even though your real name is Vincent Edward. For having enough terrible sports cards to supply the Bust with a week's worth of fodder. For appearing in the worst collector's card of all time. For all this and so much more, we at the Bust honor you, Bo Jackson, with the largest Bust Cup we've ever created. Call it a lifetime underachievement award. You, sir, are at the pinnacle of the Bust.

Bo Jackson, 1985 Heisman Series (Bo Week, No. 7)

Bo Jackson, 1990 special edition (Bo Week, No. 6)

Name: Bo Jackson
Teams: Kansas City Royals, Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Outfielder/Running Back, apparently
Value of card: Half off
Key 1989 stat: Four amputated fingers
More great moments in Photoshop: The makers of this fine special edition card were split over how to present it. Half wanted Bo in baseball attire, while the other half preferred his football photo. A bitter debate divided the room, causing a rift between longtime coworkers and friends. After dissecting the subject for days, there seemed no end to the dichotomy between them. Rather than tearing the project asunder, these masterminds searched the hemisphere for someone — or something — to unite them. In the end, it was a brand-new software that brought them harmony. Sure, it cost Bo four fingers and caused his ears to become uneven, but it did nothing to diminish his bulge.

Bo Jackson, 1990 special edition (Bo Week, No. 6)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Score (Bo Week, No. 5)

Name: Bo Jackson

Team: Kansas City Royals

Position: Outfield

Value of card: A handful of splinters

Key 1990 stat: 5,237 things broken

10 other things Bo breaks:

10) Records, bitches. Records.

9) The laws of physics

8) Veins in his neck and arms when breaking bats over his knee

7) His own hip, thus ending his career

6) Wind

5) The ice, literally, in large chunks across his knee

4) Hearts, across the nation

3) The rules of fashion (baby-blue?)

2) 'Dem hoes

1) Bats

Bo Jackson, 1991 Score (Bo Week, No. 5)

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score (Bo Week, No. 4)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Shirtless Wonders
Position: Wait, this looks familiar
Value of card: One case of deja vu
Key 1989 stat: Won the redundancy award for redundancy
Here we go again: Shoulder pads, baseball bat, ridiculous lack of jersey — yup, we've been here before. Thankfully, the back of the card is a font of useful information. Hold on, isn't this the same photo as earlier, just with the football pants cropped out? What kind of talentless hacks take the same gimmick and use it over and over? Speaking of which, let's get a quick pop quiz in here.

What other companies used this photo to advertise their products?
A) Playgirl, Bartles & Jaymes and NAPA Auto Parts
B) Playgirl, Playtex and Play-Doh
C) Playgirl, Missouri Lottery and the Smithsonian Institution
D) Playgirl, Crazy Teddy's New & Used Car Sales and NASA
E) Nike, Gatorade and Tecmo. And Playgirl

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score (Bo Week, No. 4)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Bo Week, No. 3)

Name: Bo Jackson

Team: Los Angeles Raiders

Position: Running back

Value of card: I'm sorry. What? I was distracted.

Key 1990 stat: Bulge. I mean, uh, I was distracted. I mean, um, five rushing touchdowns.

The bulge of Bo Week: At first glance, this card seems reasonable. It's an intricate likeness of a superior athlete. Bo is in a Raiders uniform, and his baseball career is tastefully alluded to through the drawing of stitches on the moon. Then your eyes pan down. What is that? The illustrator chose to display Mr. Jackson's — bam — in an exaggerated way (at least we hope it's exaggerated). Your eyes are first drawn to the football at Bo's side, then — bam. Maybe your eyes are drawn to the Raiders helmet, whose chinstrap happens to be pointing to — bam. You can't escape it. Bo's belt can't even stay buckled because of that — bam. And what about the stitch design on the crotch of Bo's football pants? Bam. But the bam isn't contained to the frame of the illustration. Oh no. Even Bo's first name — bam — parts like the Red Sea for the — bam bam bam — just in case that buckle breaks and the bam falls through the bottom of the frame.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Bo Week, No. 3)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Bo Knows Bart (Bo Week, No. 2)

Names: Bo Jackson, Bart Simpson

Teams: Kansas City Royals, Springfield Isotopes

Positions: Outfield; Mischievous, catch phrase-spitting brat

Value of card: One pair of shorts, eaten

Key 1990 stats: 50 humorous chalkboard recitations; 50 massive bubbles blown

It's time for The Matchup, Bo Week-style:

Round 1: Short-shorts (Winner: Bart)

Round 2: Bubbles coming from mouth (Winner: Tie)

Round 3: Bulge (Winner: Bo)

Round 4: Anatomical makeup allowing for bulge (Winner: Bo)

Round 5: Hovering height (Winner: Bart)

Round 6: Random light-blue lump on shoulder (Winner: Bo)

Round 7: Size of head (Winner: Bart)

Round 8: Popularity among 12-year-olds in 1991 (Winner: Tie)

Round 9: Tiny headwear (Winner: Bo)

Score: Bo 4, Bart 3 (Ties, 2)

Synopsis: The competition was stiff, but, as is usually the case, a grown man with a bat beats a punk kid with a smart mouth and a skateboard.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Bo Knows Bart (Bo Week, No. 2)

Bo Jackson, 1989 Bo Knows (Bo Week, No. 1)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Undetermined due to lack of jersey
Position: Um, batback?
Value of card: Two sports
Key 1988 stat: One unoriginal idea
Welcome to Bo Week: This week, we at the Bust celebrate the greatest two-sport star of all time (well, after Deion Sanders and Michael Jordan), Bo Jackson. During the late 1980s and early '90s, Bo was an American legend, an icon known for wearing shoulder pads and carrying a weighty stick — like RuPaul, but different. He played most of his pro baseball career for the Kansas City Royals, which always left his autumns open for football and the Los Angeles Raiders. Here we see Bo in a pose that certainly will not be copied in any other cards this week — wearing football pants and shoulder pads while holding a baseball bat. Surely card companies thought of myriad other ways to shoot Bo. Right?

Bo Jackson, 1989 Bo Knows (Bo Week, No. 1)

Don Mattingly, 1988 Fantastic Sam's Baseball Superstars

Name: Don Mattingly
Team: New York Yankees
Position: First base
Value of card: One circle
Key 1987 stat: 13 bad haircuts from Fantastic Sam's
A bust of a different breed: Most of the victims at this site involve terrible photos, terrible clothing choices or terrible concepts; this is the first time the piece of cardboard alone qualifies itself for Bust status. Look at the worry on Donnie Baseball's face. Even he knows this half baseball card-half pog is an awful idea. Maybe ol' Fantastic Sam should spend a little more time training his stylists how to give perms and a little less time coming up with useless, square collector's items.

Don Mattingly, 1988 Fantastic Sam's Baseball Superstars

Ozzie Canseco, 1993 Pinnacle

Name: "Ozzie" Canseco

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Position: Outfield

Value of card: The tails side of a nickel

Key 1992 stat: Zero "Joses." That's right. Don't even bother checking any documents.

The old switcheroo: Jose Canseco was a slugger known in the early 1990s for his towering home runs and Hollywood lifestyle. He had an ego as big as his bat, and both were often on display. Then, Jose Canseco's life came crumbling down. He got divorced, arrested and was accused of using steroids as a tool of his trade. With his life in a tailspin, Canseco left the game. A few months later, the Cardinals signed a slugging outfielder by the name of "Ozzie" Canseco. He hit for power, ran with speed and always wore a shirt that read, "Bash Brother 4 Life." Reporters pestered "Ozzie" about his past. He would shirk the questions and point to what he called a birthmark on his hand. "See, how could I be Jose with this birthmark?" he would say. A reporter would usually speak up and tell him it looked like a circle colored in with a Sharpie marker. "Pay that no mind," Ozzie would say, "I am Ozzie Canseco, brother to Jose, who has disappeared and left me, a clean, sober, law-abiding physical specimen to carry the baseball torch for the Canseco kin." To this, a reporter would usually say, "Jose?" To which "Ozzie" would always turn and reply, "Yes," before running from the locker room.

Ozzie Canseco, 1993 Pinnacle