Jeff Reed, 1992 Score

Name: Jeff Reed
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two naps
Key 1991 stat: One gastric bypass surgery
Time for a pop quiz:

What happened to Jeff Reed?

A) That prankster Eric Davis put a bunch of thumb tacks inside his chest protector
B) He just got punched by the Three Joses
C) He's laughing at Chris Sabo's new glasses
D) Too much menudo
E) All of the above

Card contributed by Greg Schindler

Jeff Reed, 1992 Score

Rick Mahler, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Rick Mahler
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 24 ounces of hatred
Key 1988 stat: 619 scowls
Bah, humbug: Rick Mahler didn't like anything. He didn't like shaving, he didn't like getting his hair cut and he hated puppies. He despised good-looking mustaches. From this photo, it appears Mahler didn't like sitting, dugouts or having his picture taken. And, judging from career records, he didn't care for winning or striking out batters very much, either. In fact, according to family members, the only thing Mahler did like was delicious mayonnaise. Before taking the mound, he would tuck a wad of mayo in his mouth like chew and proceed to foam at the mouth while pitching. Everyone agreed Rick Mahler was disgusting.

Card contributed by Greg Schindler

Rick Mahler, 1989 Upper Deck

Gorman Thomas, 1986 Topps

Name: Gorman Thomas

Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Designated hitter

Value of card: 3 pounds of carp

Key 1985 stat: 20 knots, north by northwest

"Mariner," definition: (n) One who navigates or assists in navigating a ship

A moving fish story: In 1986, Gorman Thomas was battling scurvy on the seven seas. The same year, the Mariners weren't in much better shape. The team had lost 88 games the previous season, and attendance was in a free fall. Ownership came up with a plan: Bring in a real mariner and insert him in the starting lineup, giving the people of Seattle and fishmongers everywhere an everyman hero for whom to root. Scouts looked far and wide, and finally found their man: a 6-foot-2 net grizzled master baiter for the Sweet Loraine, a crab ship hunting for its catch in the freezing Pacific Northwest waters. Thomas was loathe to leave his life on the open seas, famously saying, "Why would I trade a life of scales and scurvy for one of dirt and dugouts?" Ownership persuaded him to forgo the nets and various forms of crabs and return to the diamond, where he had starred in high school. Thomas' asking price: 12 pails of fish heads, a dry cot and the rest of his beard.

Gorman Thomas, 1986 Topps

Nolan Ryan and Mike Scott, 1990 Fleer Super Star Specials

Names: Nolan Ryan, Mike Scott

Teams: Texas Rangers, Houston Astros

Positions: Aces

Value of card: 1/300 of a cent

Key 1989 stat: One bitter rivalry

An argument deep in the heart of Texas:

Ryan: (To cameraman) "Do we really have to do this?"

Scott: (Also to cameraman) "Seriously, partner, I can't stand this old man."

Ryan: (Turning to Scott) "Listen here, sonny, you can't hold my Texas-heated jockstrap. I'm the Ryan Express."

Scott: "Express to the old-folks home."

Ryan: "You're awfully mouthy for a guy with a junior mullet and no sideburns."

Scott: "Let me apologize: I'm sorry my flowing locks unleash the jealously of a man suffering from male-pattern baldness."

Ryan: "We'll see how you look when you're my age."

Scott: "I won't be wearing 2-pound eyebrows, I'll tell you that."

Ryan: "Leave my bushy buddies out of this, son."

Scott: "Yeah, what are you going to do about it, grandpa?"

Ryan: "I'll grab that 6-inch Adam's apple of yours and make you scream like a woman."

Scott: "You mean like your pretty-little wife did last night?"

(Cameraman separates the two.)

Ryan: "You know, that 'T-R-O-S' on your jersey should be replaced with an 'S-H-O-L-E.'"

Nolan Ryan and Mike Scott, 1990 Fleer Super Star Specials

Kent Tekulve, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Kent Tekulve

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: $25 co-pay

Key 1988 stat: 14,754 seizures

Throwing and a fit: Some players battle through depression. Others battle addiction. Demons like these can affect a player's performance or derail a career. But for Kent Tekulve, his affliction both made his life difficult and made the game easy. Tekulve had epilepsy, a rare form never before recorded by doctors. Tekulve would only have an epileptic fit when he had a baseball in his hand, readying for his shaky delivery home. Each time he began his windup, a seizure would commence. His head would violently tilt toward the sky, his skinny legs would contour at jagged angles, his chest would protrude and his arms would flail. But with each seemingly discombobulated seizure came a strike; with every disjointed delivery and series of grunts Tekulve's team was one fit closer to victory.

Card submitted by Greg Schindler

Kent Tekulve, 1989 Upper Deck

Doug Jones, 1991 Score

Name: Doug Jones
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Closer
Value of card: Six-pack of Bic lighters
Key 1990 stat: 74 third-degree burns
How about a little fire, scarecrow? Doug Jones was a fireballer, by which I mean he would actually light baseballs on fire before throwing them. He singed his mustache constantly and once turned his mullet into a smoldering, greasy mess. Catcher Sandy Alomar was terrified whenever the Tribe would head to the ninth with a slim lead. He would wrap his mitt in asbestos just to make sure it didn't catch aflame. Jones was fined a then-record $800,000 in June 1990 when he threw a flaming fastball at George "Jorge" Bell's head. The beanball missed, but got close enough to turn Bell's Jheri curl into a head torch. In other words, nobody liked Doug Jones.

Card submitted by Greg Schindler

Doug Jones, 1991 Score

Pascual Perez, 1990 Bowman

Name: Pascual Perez

Team: New York Yankees

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: A smile so bright

Key 1989 stat: 1,000 things to be happy about

It's time for another pop quiz:

Why is Pascual Perez smiling?

(A) The fake gold from his incisor is seeping into his brain

(B) That's not a jacket he's wearing; it's a full body suit, and the zipper goes all the way down

(C) He's stoned out of his mind, hence the alternate reality behind him

(D) He's part of the Jheri Curl All-Stars

(E) It feels good to be handsome

(F) All of the above

Pascual Perez, 1990 Bowman

Greg Minton, 1988 Topps

Name: Greg Minton

Team: California Angels

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Free movie pass to "Face/Off"

Key 1987 stat: 514 logs chewed through with giant teeth

Stuck in a Cage: Things were looking bad for Greg Minton in 1988. His knees ached and his arm wasn't what it used to be. He was sick of baseball and the life it had made for him. He was getting old, and if he didn't go through a metamorphosis, he knew he would fade into the dark recesses of humanity. So Minton took a risk. He signed up for a risky, revolutionary surgery, putting his life on the line. At the same time, a young actor was in a similar predicament. He had talent, but he didn't have "the look," and this, in his mind, made his life meaningless. The young actor, too, signed up for the risky, revolutionary surgery. The two men, the baseball player and the actor, met on a Thursday. By Saturday, Minton had a new face and a new life, and the young actor had a bright future ahead of him.

Card submitted by Greg Schindler

Greg Minton, 1988 Topps

Orel Hershiser, 1989 Donruss

Name: Orel Hershiser

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Position: Ace

Value of card: 59 cents ... and counting

Key 1988 stat: One unbreakable record

A lot to juggle: 1988 was the Year of the Bulldog. Orel "The Bulldog" Hershiser was at the top of his game, baffling hitters and leading the Dodgers to a World Series title. But the ring and the accolades weren't enough. Did Hershiser turn to broads, booze or barbiturates? No, he turned to the most addictive of all habits: juggling. Hershiser grabbed his balls with reckless abandon, tossing them in the air over and over and over again. He became so obsessed he barely found time to eat or sleep, and the ravages on his body, specifically his neck, can be seen above. After months of practice, Hershiser started on his greatest pursuit, he would juggle nonstop for as long as he could, no matter the consequences. At 59 days, he was still counting.

Orel Hershiser, 1989 Donruss

Andy Van Slyke, 1991 Score

Name: Andy Van Slyke
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 30 seconds of advertising on CBS
Key 1990 stat: One failed TV pilot
Plot summary for "Rifleman," a ripoff of NBC's hit "Quantum Leap": Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Andy Van Slyke stepped into the "Rifleman" accelerator and vanished. He woke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own, and driven by an unknown force to change baseball history for the better. His only guide on this journey was Al Newman, an observer from his own time, who appeared in the form of a Photoshop cutout that only Andy could see and hear. And so Van Slyke found himself leaping from game to game, striving to put right what once was scored as an error, and hoping each time that his next leap would be the leap home.

Card submitted by Greg Schindler

Andy Van Slyke, 1991 Score

Ken Houston, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 31)

Name: Ken Houston
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Safety
Value of card: Eight pounds of fugly
Key 1976 stat: One rule change caused
Houston, we have a problem: Ken Houston was a 10-time Pro Bowler and a three-time All Pro. But perhaps most notably, in 1976 he changed the game. Feeling he wasn't intimidating enough, Houston grew the most frightening beard seen since Rasputin. Along with his neck welts, Houston's face became the most unstoppable force in the NFL. Instead of drilling receivers as they came across the field, Houston would simply remove his helmet, grimace and watch as either his opponent or the ball would tumble to the ground. His cheekbone-beard once made O.J. Simpson soil his jock strap all by itself. The NFL changed its rules in 1977 to state that players could only remove their helmets if doing some kind of funky touchdown celebration.

Ken Houston, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 31)

Dustin Hermanson, 2000 Fleer Ultra

Name: Dustin Hermanson

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Eight suckers

Key 1999 stat: 24,619 sugar highs

How sweet it is: Dustin Hermanson was an addict. Not to narcotics or steroids, and he wasn't an alcoholic. No, Dustin Hermanson was addicted to sugar. Before taking the mound early in his career as a starter, he would choke down seven Almond Joys, four Tootsie Pops, a 12-pack of Mountain Dew and as many Pixie Stix as he could fit in his mouth. Hermanson would flirt with triple digits on the radar gun, but by the end of the fourth inning, a sugar crash would start to set in. Batters would begin reaching base, and before long, Hermanson would lay down on the infield grass with a gut ache, holding his stomach and occasionally dozing off. Eventually, Hermanson was named his team's closer, as well as Delta Dental's customer of the month.

Greaseball alert: The neatly trimmed hair on and around his face. The unnecessarily heavy jewelry. The veiny arms. If this card had a title, it would be "Jersey Shore Goes Trick-or-Treating."

Dustin Hermanson, 2000 Fleer Ultra

Jeff Reardon, 1988 Topps

Name: Jeff Reardon
Team: Minnesota Twins
Positions: Closer, curmudgeon
Value of card: One free beard trimming at Supercuts
Key 1987 stat: Zero things liked
A couple of quizzes:

What's that stain?
(A) Kirby Puckett's barbecue sauce
(B) Jeff Reardon's Beard Rejuvenator (TM)
(C) The blood of every American League batter Reardon mowed down
(D) Delicious paté
(E) All of the above

Why is Reardon scowling so hard?
(A) The Topps photographer asked him to look "sexy"
(B) His legendary beard really itches!
(C) He's thinking about robbing a jewelry store 18 years from now
(D) He's regretting purchasing a 24-karat gold choker
(E) Dammit, Kirby, you got barbecue sauce on his freakin' card!

Card contributed by Greg Schindler

Jeff Reardon, 1988 Topps

Jay Baller, 1988 Topps

Name: Jay Baller

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Relief pitcher

Value of card: It ain't nothin' to a baller

Key 1987 stat: 1,154 hair curls

10 reasons Jay Baller was a baller in 1988:

10) He conditioned his thousand-curl mullet with truffle oil.

9) That's not dirt on his hat; that's the blood of an endangered panda he ate for lunch.

8) His mustache was spun into gold by Rumpelstiltskin.

7) His V-neck dipped below his belly button.

6) He squinted like Clint Eastwood at all times.

5) He broke the law.

4) His teeth were razor-sharp from eating diamonds.

3) Many reasons, none of which was baseball.

2) He wore a necklace. And so did his chest hair.

1) It says so on his baseball card.

Card submitted by Greg Schindler

Jay Baller, 1988 Topps

Mark Davis, Mitch Williams, 1990 Fleer Superstar Special

Names: Mark Davis, Mitch Williams
Teams: San Diego Padres, Chicago Cubs
Positions: Closer
Value of card: One elastic waistband
Key 1989 stats: Dozens of disturbing pants creases
It's a ninth-inning Matchup:

Round 1: Scraggly beard (Winner: Williams)
Round 2: Bulge (Winner: Davis)
Round 3: Smaller heads growing out of shoulders (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Little League-style baseball pants (Winner: Williams)
Round 5: Classic choke jobs awaiting in future (Winner: Williams)
Round 6: Status as a forgotten Cy Young winner (Winner: Davis)
Round 7: Nicknames stolen from "Major League" (Winner: Williams)
Round 8: Status as an actual superstar (Winner: Neither)

Score: Williams 4, Davis 2 (1 tie, 1 no decision)

Synopsis: The Wild Thing actually manages to hold on to a lead, though it should be noted he wasn't facing Joe Carter this time.

Mark Davis, Mitch Williams, 1990 Fleer Superstar Special

Mike Jeffcoat, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Jeffcoat
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Pitcher, receiver
Value of card: Three gauze pads
Key 1991 stat: 28 broken knuckles
Falling from grace: Coming off a solid 1990 season, Mike Jeffcoat was firmly entrenched in the Rangers' starting rotation. That was, until he got into an argument with manager Bobby Valentine about the Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix movie "My Own Private Idaho." Jeffcoat's assertion that Reeves was talentless and Phoenix was a junkie who would be dead in five years didn't go over well with the skipper, and before Jeffcoat knew it, he was playing football catch with fireballer Nolan Ryan. Of course, the Ryan Express didn't just play catch; he fired the ball in as hard as he could, John Elway style. Soon, all of Jeffcoat's knuckles were fractured and his fingers were pointing in 10 different directions.
The moral of the story: "My Own Private Idaho" is overrated.

Mike Jeffcoat, 1992 Upper Deck

Albert Belle, 1992 Score

Name: Albert Belle
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Left field
Value of card: One free visit to a chiropractor
Key 1991 stat: Three broken ribs
Albert gets his Belle rung: Everyone know Albert "Don't Call Me Joey" Belle was crazy. He threw baseballs at fans, hit Halloween vandals with his car and once smashed Kenny Lofton's boom box in the dugout after a failed at-bat. But when he took his rage out on the Fenway Park visitors locker room, one entity had had enough. The Green Monster, tired of Belle's childish antics, decided it was time for revenge. When Belle retreated to catch a deep fly ball off the bat of Wade Boggs, the Monster struck, jumping forward eight feet and striking Belle square in the back. The slugger fell to the ground in a heap; the Monster drew back to its usual spot, never to move again.

Albert Belle, 1992 Score

Gregg Jefferies, 1992 Topps Kids

Name: Gregg Jefferies
Team: New York Mets
Position: Infield
Value of card: $20 off a plane ticket to Kansas City
Key 1991 stat: One soul-crushing transaction
Bad news: Sometimes, all it takes is four words to ruin your day. "We're auditing your taxes." "I'm seeing someone else." "Your blog is stupid." "Now with the Royals!" For Gregg Jefferies, those four words came on a cartoony baseball card marketed toward 5-year-olds. No one with the Mets had found the heart to tell him he had been traded to Kansas City during the 1991-92 offseason. It wasn't until a fan sent him this card to autograph, along with a note that simply said "Sorry, man," that Jefferies learned the truth. "Why is there an exclamation point?" Jefferies screamed. "Who would ever be excited about that?" Jefferies played one despondent season with Kansas City before faking his own death, changing his name to Jeff Greggeries and signing with the St. Louis Cardinals.

Gregg Jefferies, 1992 Topps Kids

Whitey Herzog, 1990 Topps

Name: Whitey Herzog
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Manager
Value of card: 16 pounds of chew
Key 1989 stat: One racially insensitive nickname
A very managerial pop quiz:

What has Whitey Herzog so flabbergasted?

A) Nothing. He's just got an entire log of chewing tobacco in his mouth.
B) Nothing. If you sat next to Jack Clark all game, you'd breathe through your mouth, too.
C) Nothing. He just can't stop singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing."
D) He just saw Willie McGee's face.

(E) All of the above

Whitey Herzog, 1990 Topps

Fernando Valenzuela, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Fernando Valenzuela

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Position: Ace

Value of card: Three weeks' worth of SlimFast

Key 1992 stat: One pair of red-lens sunglasses

10 of Fernando Valenzuela's alter-egos:

10) JohnBoy Ferguson, expert bird hunter

9) Lead singer, U2

8) Ferdinand Valentino, lothario

7) Louie Little Arms, sideshow freak

6) Francois Valensuis, French backup dancer

5) Esmeralda Fernandez, SlimFast success story

4) Three Fernandos, breaker of laws of physics

3) Freddie Fontane, Sunglass Hut model

2) Fern, plant

1) Ponch

Fernando Valenzuela, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

1992 Stars of the Baseball Universe

Names, from bottom left: Frank Thomas, Nolan Ryan, Bo Jackson, Ken Griffey Jr., Cal Ripken Jr.

Teams: Chicago White Sox (Thomas, Jackson), Texas Rangers (Ryan) Seattle Mariners (Griffey), Baltimore Orioles (Ripken)

Positions: First base (Thomas), Pitcher (Ryan), Outfield (Jackson, Griffey), Shortstop (Ripken)

Value of card: 3 ounces of moon rock

Key 1991 stat: Five stars, five descriptions

Five stars in orbit:

Thomasmetrica-35: Found approximately 14 million light years from Earth, Thomasmetrica-35 was a supergiant star, one of the biggest in the universe. It towered over other stars in the American League nebula, its gravitational power hitting its peak in the mid-1990s, before suddenly combusting into a red dwarf star, capable of few of its former feats.

Ryanitoba-5714: One of the oldest stars in the universe, Ryanitoba-5714 is crisscrossed by deep canyons, wrinkle-like, throughout its face. These crevices are actively viewed with the human eye in Texas, but in most other regions its popularity has waned with age.

Bo-hemia-34: This main sequence star is well-known for its fast rotation and the force of its sun bursts. This combination of speed and power has translated into a twofold existence: in the spring and summer, Bo-hemia-34 shrinks and becomes circular, with two endless red ridges; in the fall, it grows and elongates at its poles, sprouts one large white ridge at its center and turns brown. Books have been written about Bo-hemia-34's shape-shifting, only seen in one other major star, Deionistis-7.

Ofgriffey-2: Once a junior star to its closest relative, Ofgriffey-1, Ofgriffey-2 has grown massive, with immense popularity in the field and the ability to send its bursts into orbit. Despite its size, astronomers still refer to it by a nickname, "The Kid."

Ripkenocus-2632: This white dwarf has been counter-rotating at a record pace for 2,632 light years, the longest known counter rotation in the universe. This constant backward rotation has damaged the planets that rely on Ripkenocus-2632, as well as its exoskeleton, but it continues to spin and spin, as if only for assurance the record will never be broken.

1992 Stars of the Baseball Universe

Mike LaValliere, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Mike LaValliere aka Spanky the Blind Catcher

Team: Pittsburgh Pirates

Position: Blind catcher

Value of card: "I would give anything to see the world, if only for a moment, one more time."

Key 1991 stat: Zero seconds of sight

A tale of triumph: This is the story of Mike LaValliere, better known around the land as Spanky the Blind Catcher. Spanky was born to a French father and Polish mother in a log cabin in the North Carolina wilderness. As a child, his resemblance to a "Little Rascals" character earned him the nickname "Spanky." A few months later, he went blind, earning him the nickname "Blindy." Blindy soon developed a love for baseball, and his future as a catcher was cemented at age 9, when he tried to eat a catcher's mitt, thinking it was a pork chop. He soon started playing catch with his father, though this mainly involved his father throwing the ball at him, the ball hitting him in the chest or face, and Spanky rooting around on the ground like a legless pig searching for the ball. But these joyful games of catch toughened up Spanky, and because of that and his tireless training and eating habits, he earned a spot on his high school baseball team. He played second base. The actual base, not the position. But Spanky practiced and practiced and soon started playing catcher, developing a knack for hearing the rotation of the pitch and positioning his glove accordingly. He was drafted and worked his way to the major leagues. Off the field, he used a cane. But on the field, his play was uncanny.

Mike LaValliere, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Joe Montana, 1982 Topps (Super Bowl Week No. 7)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: $1.99 per minute
Key Super Bowl stat: 193 girls chatted with
Dial '0' for Joe: Sure, he's a Super Bowl legend now, but in the early 1980s, Joe Montana was just a kid trying to find his way in the NFL. After going a combined 2-6 in his first eight starts, Montana's confidence was nonexistent. His life changed one night in the summer of 1981 when, while spending another lonely evening in his San Francisco apartment, eating Cheetos and watching "Late Night With David Letterman," a commercial for a chat line called Livelinks came on the tube. Attractive women with denim bikinis and perms giggled their way across the screen, phones glued to their ears. "Call now to talk with sexy, single girls in your area," the ad beckoned. Montana called, all right. From his home, from hotel rooms, from phone booths and even from the field on game days. Coach Bill Walsh was at first dismayed — until his team started winning. A suddenly confident, macho Montana helped the Niners rack up a 13-3 record — and a $13,000 monthly phone bill.

Joe Montana, 1982 Topps (Super Bowl Week No. 7)

Joe Theismann, 1991 Pro Line (Super Bowl Week No. 6)

Name: Joe Theismann

Team: Washington Redskins

Position: Quarterback

Value of card: One compound fracture

Key Super Bowl stat: One strike-year Super Bowl ring

Scarred for life: After suffering one of the most gruesome injuries in football history when sacked by Lawrence Taylor in 1985, Joe Theismann was never quite the same. He refused to walk anywhere, instead insisting on being carried around in a poorly constructed director's chair. He would only wear white shoes AND white socks. He refused to wear pants that went down past his calves. Of course, the folks at Pro Line know how to have a good time. So it was that they had Taylor visit the studio in uniform and tackle Theismann's chair, breaking one of the legs clean in half. A frightened Theismann screamed like a girl for 10 minutes and turned his elastic pants into one big "sloppy Joe."

Joe Theismann, 1991 Pro Line (Super Bowl Week No. 6)

Art Shell, 1991 Pro Line (Super Bowl Week No. 5)

Name: Art Shell

Team: Los Angeles Raiders

Positions: Coach, offensive tackle, security

Value of card: $5 at the door

Key Super Bowl stat: Eight defenders "bounced"

Priceless work of Art: Two-time Raiders coach Art Shell, then an offensive tackle, won Super Bowls with the team after the 1976 and 1980 seasons, becoming a favorite of fans and team owner Al Davis. Shell retired after the 1982 season, and was considered a shoe-in to one day become a coach. Shell believed in being a Raider, and turned down opportunities from other teams to become an offensive line coach. Shell pleaded Davis for a job, but the fiery owner deferred to then-head coach Tom Flores, he of the Brillo Pad wave. Flores wouldn't make room for Shell on the team, saying he had become a shell of his old self. Davis felt bad, so he offered Shell the title of "Los Angeles Raiders head of security and bathroom cleanliness operations." Shell accepted the job, which came with a $16,000 salary, a Raiders hat, a Rolex knock-off and a starter jacket with "Security" written across the back. Davis fired him six weeks later, then rehired him three months after that, then promoted him to head coach, then fired him, then rehired him in the security role, then fired him again, then rehired him as head coach, then fired him. Shell now hangs in a prominent position at the Museum of Modern Art, wearing a shiny Raiders jacket.

Art Shell, 1991 Pro Line (Super Bowl Week No. 5)

Lawrence Taylor, 1990 Score Crunch Crew (Super Bowl Week No. 4)

Name: Lawrence Taylor

Team: New York Giants

Position: Linebacker

Value of card: Nothing. It's "whak"

Key Super Bowl stat: 16 whaks

L.T. doesn't stand for "little testosterone": Lawrence Taylor changed football more than any other defensive player in the history of the NFL. He crunched quarterbacks, scrunched offensive schemes and munched meatloaf sandwiches. He was a self-described adrenaline junkie who got as much pleasure from sacking a quarterback as jumping from an airplane or snorting a shoestring-size line of cocaine. He did so much cocaine, in fact, that it would emanate in vapor form from his head, hands, back, shoulders, thighs and feet, as can be seen in the above card. Fueled by charisma and cocaine, Taylor led the Giants to Super Bowl victories after the 1986 and 1990 seasons.

Fun fact: The background of the above card shows the reality Taylor experienced during early 1990s cocaine binges.

Lawrence Taylor, 1990 Score Crunch Crew (Super Bowl Week No. 4)

Jerome Bettis, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Super Bowl Week No. 3)

Name: Jerome Bettis

Team: Los Angeles Rams

Position: Running back

Value of card: 12 pounds of rock

Key Super Bowl stat: 413 head-butts

Butt ... why? The 1994 Los Angeles Rams were a team in chaos. Orange County was mired in a recession, making it hard for a mediocre team to entice fans to buy tickets. Amid much criticism and Southern California whining, owner Georgia Frontiere worked out a deal to move the team to St. Louis.

"But how do we get there?" Butt and ram: Frontiere had everything set for the move from the West Coast to the heart of Middle America, except for a way to get there. Protesters were blocking the team complex gates and moving companies refused to upset customers who were part of the fan base. Enter Jerome Bettis. The Notre Dame alumnus had thighs the size of Port-O-Potties and a penchant for running into things, such as Port-O-Potties. He also had horns, which made him even harder to tackle. Frontiere persuaded Bettis to lead the team from the complex across the nation and into St. Louis. He took on the challenge, first head-butting protesters, then vehicles on freeways, then buildings that were in the way, and then naturally occurring land masses. Whatever got in his way, he ran into head-first, leaving a path of pulverization in his wake. Bettis's horns and head-butts paved the way to St. Louis, thus paving the way to the Rams' 1999 Super Bowl victory and his own Super Bowl success with the Steelers.

Jerome Bettis, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Super Bowl Week No. 3)

Walter Payton, 1991 Pro Line (Super Bowl Week No. 2)

Name: Walter Payton

Teams: Chicago Bears (retired), Team 34 Racing

Positions: Running back, race car owner

Value of card: One Rolex knock-off

Key Super Bowl stat: 23 surgeries on hands

What is the most disturbing part of this card?

(A) Payton's thumb

(B) Payton's index finger

(C) Payton's middle finger

(D) Payton's ring finger

(E) Payton's pinkie finger

(F) The price football heroes of yesteryear paid for glory

(G) All of the above

Walter Payton, 1991 Pro Line (Super Bowl Week No. 2)