Nolan Ryan, 1992 Upper Deck Checklist

Name: Nolan Ryan

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Ace

Value of card: One childhood portrait of Matt Damon

Key 1991 stat: Two respresentations on this card alone!
R.I.P. Peter Graves: With apologies to Captain Oveur and the geniuses behind "Airplane!" here are the top 10 things we imagine Nolan Ryan saying to the little brat in this illustration.

10) "Joey, you ever spend any time in a minor league locker room?"
9) "Do you like it when grown men put people in headlocks, Joey?"

8) "Joey, have you ever been to a sausage factory?"

7) "Joey, have you ever played the hot corner?"

6) "Would you like to see the Ryan Express, Joey?"

5) "Joey, you ever seen Mookie Wilson naked?"

4) "Joey, do you spend much time around silicone rubber?"

3) "You ever eat a lizard, Joey?"

2) "Joey, can you explain the infield fly rule to me?"

1) "Joey, have you ever given a sumo wrestler a sponge bath?"

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Upper Deck Checklist

Shawn Abner, 1992 Topps

Name: Shawn Abner
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One copy, "A Meathead's Guide to Mullets" by Abner, Shawn
Key 1991 stat: Zero times not fired up
The ABCs of Shawn Abner:
A - Angel in the outfield
B - Blurry glove
C - Career .227 hitter
D - Dark, beady eyes
E - Eternally benched
F - Flowing hairdo
G - Grounded into double play — constantly
H - Hat askew
I - INTENSITY!!!
J - Jock strap too tight, thus causing added intensity
K - K's, as in strikeouts — and lots of 'em
L - Look of death
M - Mullet perm
N - Nobody remembers Shawn Abner
O - "Over here! Throw me the ball!"
P - Performance-enhancing drugs: Never took 'em, never played like he did
Q - Quick-moving left hand made him hard to photograph
R - Rheumatoid arthritis — the only explanation for Abner's batting average
S - Six underwhelming major league seasons
T - "Throw me the freakin' ball!"
U - Unnecessarily large forearms
V - Vein throbbing in forehead
W - "Why won't you throw me the FREAKIN' BALL?!"
X - Xenophobia (fear of strangers) could explain why he rarely left the batter's box
Y - "Yes, Mr. Abner, you've been sent back to the minors. Again."
Z - Zero fans

Shawn Abner, 1992 Topps

Rafael Ramirez, 1981 Fleer

Name: Rafael Ramirez
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Shortstop, Hollywood hunk
Value of card: 14 pounds of handsome
Key 1980 stat: 700 women slept with
Ramirez. Rafael Ramirez: The worlds of baseball and cinema were set on their respective ears in 1980 when it was announced that Atlanta Braves shortstop and international playboy Rafael Ramirez would be the next James Bond. Sure, Ramirez had the looks, the fashion and the attitude to play 007, but he had never acted — aside from occasionally pretending to get hit by a pitch. The controversy grew when Ramirez refused to wear anything except his baby blue road uniform on screen. Director Lewis Gilbert put up with his new Bond's wardrobe choices and constant carousing with female staffers and co-stars, but when Ramirez openly questioned the virility of previous stars Roger Moore and Sean Connery in an interview with Sports Illustrated, production came to a screeching halt. Moore returned as Bond, and "The Spy Who Got to Third Base With Me" never saw the light of day.

Rafael Ramirez, 1981 Fleer

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Donruss Coca-Cola insert

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, puppy mill owner
Value of card: A two-pack of flea collars
Key 1991 stat: One arrest for animal abuse
Man's cutest friend: Don't let that smile fool you — Nolan Ryan is a very angry man in this photo. He'll be damned if some puppy is going to out-cute him. Incensed at the retriever's better grin, softer fur and superior fashion sense, the pitcher lashed out at the conclusion of this shoot. Ryan put the dog in a headlock, then picked him up and chucked him across the barnyard as hard as he could. The pup, however, had the last laugh, eating what was left of the pitcher's bean-and-frank lunch and then leaving a "Ryan Express" on the man's pillow.

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Donruss Coca-Cola insert

Dave Stewart, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Stewart

Team: Toronto Blue Jays

Position: Ace

Value of card: One dead blue jay in a box

Key 1992 stat: 24 teammates entertained

10 things Dave Stewart said before lifting his glove into the air:

10) "Yeah, big guy, throw that jockstrap right here."

9) "You see, fellas, there's the upper deck. It's like I'm touching it."

8) "Lord Jesus, if you're up there, please make these guys stop rubbing up against me."

7) "If you put this baseball to your ear you can hear the ocean."

6) "C'mon, vogue. Let your body move to the music."

5) "OK, so my career used to be here, where the glove is. Now, it's here, where the baseball is."

4) "Guys, I'm looking up but I still don't see Canada. You sure it's above the U.S.?"

3) "You're right. This glove doesn't fit."

2) "Can't ... shield ... blinding reflection ... from teammate's ... Oakleys."

1) "Oh no, blue jay crap!"

Dave Stewart, 1993 Upper Deck

Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Upper Deck checklist

Name: Bret Saberhagen

Team: Kansas City Royals

Position: Ace

Value of card: One ball of yarn

Key 1990 stat: 214 scoreless innings pitched in the middle of the night, alone

Time for another pop quiz:

What is that giant circle behind Bret Saberhagen?

(A) The aura put off by his flawlessly maintained mullet

(B) The rising sun, foreshadowing a promising career's demise into the Japanese leagues

(C) A puddle of chewing tobacco spit from the cheek wad drawn by the illustrator

(D) Red dwarf star, which, coincidentally, was the nickname given to Saberhagen in the locker room

(E) All of the above

Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Upper Deck checklist

Tokyo Team Shop, 1990 NFL Pro Set (Football Friday No. 33)

Name: What the hell?
Teams: Broncos and Seahawks, we think
Position: Awkward pose with a Japanese kid
Value of card: Zero yen
Key 1989 stat: One going-out-of-business sale
Great moments in WTF: The NFL tried to expand its market in 1989, opening up a team shop in Tokyo to absolutely no fanfare. Sure, the businessmen stopped to look at the "cheerleaders" (who also provided side "services" for 50 yen), but almost everyone was scared by the plushy mascots with no eyes wearing helmets. That Bronco looks like it's about to tell the kid that he's giving out free puppies and candy in his windowless van around the block. The team shop closed down two weeks later, and Japanese people never watched football again.
Bonus fun fact: That kid's shirt says "Dynamite Age."

Tokyo Team Shop, 1990 NFL Pro Set (Football Friday No. 33)

Dave Henderson and Jerry Browne, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Names: Dave Henderson (bottom), Jerry Browne

Teams: Oakland A's, Cleveland Indians

Positions: Outfield, second base, entangled

Value of card: One California Lotto Triple Play scratcher ticket, pre-scratched, no matching numbers

Key 1991 stat: One fun-filled afternoon horsin' around

A touchy-feely installment of The Matchup:

Round 1: Youthful exuberance (Winner: Tie)

Round 2: Subtle copped feel (Winner: Henderson)

Round 3: Flip-up sunglasses (Winner: Browne)

Round 4: Eye-scarring brightness of socks (Winner: Henderson)

Round 5: Little-kid climbing ability (Winner: Browne)

Round 6: Tooth gap (Winner: Henderson)

Round 7: Homoerotic tendencies (Winner: Tie)

Score: Henderson 3, Browne 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Sure, it was just a couple of dudes horsing around on the diamond touching each other in just the right places and in just the right ways, but Henderson proved that copping a feel can be a victory unto itself as well as a part of a bigger victory.

... and you thought that post was bad: The great minds at Donruss had their own cheesy jokes, and decided to include the bits of genius on the back of the card: "These guys could go on the pro-wrestling circuit. Dave Henderson of the Athletics has his arm locked around Jerry Browne's leg and looks like he's giving a piggy-back ride." Feel free to smash your keyboard into a wall now.

Dave Henderson and Jerry Browne, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Charlotte Hornets, 1991-92 NBA Hoops (Basketball Week No. 7)

Team: Charlotte Hornets

Value of card: 13,000 spacebucks (or 1.625 cents)

Key 1991 stat: 20 players, coaches and mascots in orbit

A space case: The geniuses behind the NBA Hoops basketball card division of the National Basketball Association outdid themselves with the 1991-92 set. They had traditional cards featuring all the league's players. They had checklists and coach cards. But that wasn't enough. They decided to add a subset of franchise cards, each featuring a team doing something related to the organization's name. Some made sense, others, as can been seen in the card above, did not. Sure, hornets, the winged insects, fly. But hornets, science has proved, could not survive in space. And though Saturn and basketballs could both loosely be qualified as gaseous, Saturn is primarily hydrogen, while a blown-up basketball contains mostly nitrogen and oxygen. Also, a man dressed as a turquoise stinging insect with a headband could not stand on top of a planet. And unlike Saturn, the Hornets have no rings.

Charlotte Hornets, 1991-92 NBA Hoops (Basketball Week No. 7)

Kevin Johnson, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Basketball Week No. 6)

Name: Kevin Johnson

Teams: Phoenix Suns, Nation of Islam

Positions: Point guard, junior minister

Value of card: No monetary value: "As salaam alaikum"

Key 1991 stat: One separatist movement

Losing his religion: Kevin Johnson briefly joined the Nation of Islam in the early 1990s as a junior minister. He quickly rose to the rank of "all-holy speaker of truths" because of his oratory skills and how good he looked in a bow tie. But the radical views of the Nation of Islam wore on him. He didn't believe all white people were devils. In fact, he thought all people were created equal. But he loved religion, and he wasn't going to let a few hateful principles get in the way of his fashion style.

Yeah, put a bow on it: Weeks after leaving the Nation of Islam, the Rev. KJ started his own religious movement: The Holiest Order of Islam, Christianity and Whatever Else, as Long as You're Wearing a Bow Tie. The THOOICAWEALAYWABT became a sensation. People of all colors and creeds were drawn to the all-inclusive philosophies, self-exploring teachings and required Zubaz bow ties. Johnson became an all-powerful figure, but promised to always use his stature to better humanity. He was true to this pledge until he founded a city for disciples of The Holiest Order of Islam, Christianity and Whatever Else, as Long as You're Wearing a Bow Tie. The city quickly became a modern-day Gomorrah, with residents who shunned their religious views and started worshipping kings.

Kevin Johnson, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Basketball Week No. 6)

Kenny Lofton, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Basketball Week No. 5)

Name: Kenny Lofton

Team: The Camp Anawanna White Team

Position: Not above the rim

Value of card: Negative-seven sewed-on letters indicating team's name

Key 1992 stat: 112 layups rejected by the rim

Lofty expectations: In 1992, Kenny Lofton was one of the most feared base-stealers in the big leagues. He was making millions of dollars playing a sport, but it wasn't the sport he loved. His life was hardball, base hits and stirrups, but he craved roundball, fast breaks and short-shorts. He missed basketball, his favorite game as a youth, so he traded in his star status and million-dollar contract for a 15-day tryout with The Camp Anawanna White Team, a team of misfits in the NBA's D-League.

A short stint: Lofton had played basketball at the University of Arizona, but he had forgotten that at 5 feet 9 he had a distinct disadvantage in the game he loved. He missed layup after layup, bouncing the ball off the front of the rim. He would soar through the air, only to catch an elbow from a 7-footer rooted firmly on the ground. Finally, Lofton was cut from The Camp Anawanna White Team after a 116-point loss to the Chattanooga Chisels. He cried for hours in the locker room after the game, knowing he would have to leave behind a life of exposed thighs and fans' signs saluting his shorts.

Kenny Lofton, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Basketball Week No. 5)

Stacey Augmon, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 4)

Name: Stacey Augmon
Team: Atlanta Hawks
Position: Guard/forward
Value of card: One gallon of chlorine, 20 pumice stones
Key 1990 stat: 365 T-shirts tucked in
I hate the '80s: Atlanta was abuzz after the Hawks selected UNLV stud Stacey Augmon with the ninth overall pick in the 1991 NBA draft. Things got out of control that November, however, when the team, at Augmon's request, wore acid-wash jean shorts and monotone T-shirts as their uniforms at a home game against the Cleveland Cavaliers. "Acid Wash Night" was a disaster. The outfits were uncomfortable, both to play in and to watch, but the night got even worse when a confused Dominique Wilkins dropped a couple tabs of LSD, bathed in a tub of hot water at midcourt and proceeded to flap his arms and jump all around the court, screaming "I'm a hawk! I'm a hawk!" at the top of his lungs.

Stacey Augmon, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 4)

Gary Payton, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Basketball Week No. 3)

Name: Gary Payton

Team: Seattle SuperSonics

Position: Point guard

Value of card: 35 cents for five minutes of talk time

Key 1990 stat: 47 minutes on hold

Phone conversation between Gary Payton and his mother on draft day: "Hi, Mom. Yes. (smiling) Yes, mother, I'm wearing Dad's church suit. It itches. I know no one likes a whiner, but Mom, I'm calling to tell you that ... (smile fades) Of course I wore a tie. Why wouldn't I wear a tie? What do you mean I always was a fussy dresser? Mom! (turns away and whispers) I don't want to hear about me running around the house naked after a bath. I'm calling to tell you that I got drafted by ... No, Mother, I'm not calling from a payphone. I know we don't have that kind of money. Of course I watch what I spend. (raises voice) Why do you think I borrowed Dad's suit instead of buying one? (smiling again) But Mom, listen, I just got drafted to play in the NBA. No, Mother, basketball, not rifles. (anger creeps over face) I told you about this. Next year, I'll be making millions of dollars playing in Seattle. What? No Se-att-le. The city. Of course I'll be a good boy. Yes, I'll eat my vegetables. OK, Mom, I have to go. The team is on the other line. What do you mean that's just like me? Sorry. Sorry. Bye."

Gary Payton, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Basketball Week No. 3)

Larry Johnson, 1991-92 Skybox (Basketball Week No. 2)

Name: Larry Johnson

Team: Charlotte Hornets

Position: Forward (in more ways than one)

Value of card: Six gold teeth

Key 1990-91 stat: 12 assists (from fashion consultants)

Larry Johnson's stream of consciousness, 9:43 to 9:45 a.m. Aug. 28, 1991: "What? What is this photographer saying? I can't hear him over my shirt. Man, I do look good, though. All this money they're giving me is going straight to radical duds, like these pants. White pants are great. They accentuate the bulge. Speaking of which, I should lift up my leg. Oh, yeah, that's the ticket. Gosh, this radioactive basketball they gave me sure is hot. I hope it's not melting my penicillin allergy bracelet. It burns! It burns! It burns! Good thing I gots so much ice in my gold teeth. Boo-ya! Forget what Mama said, a diamond-studded gold grill was a good use of $44,000. You know what else is awesome, the line I shaved in my hair. Boo-ya!"

Larry Johnson, 1991-92 Skybox (Basketball Week No. 2)

Chuck Nevitt, 1994 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 1)

Name: Chuck Nevitt

Teams: San Antonio Spurs, Ripley's Believe It or Not

Positions: Center, Orbit

Value of card: It's sky-high

Key 1993 stat: 112 inches, 112 pounds

Welcome to Basketball Week: If you're like us here at the Bust, your tourney brackets are somehow already ruined. (Stupid Winthrop. We thought it was their year.) So take a break from the Madness and enjoy a little mockery of really tall men who could beat us up.

That's one tall son of a ...: Sure, Chuck Nevitt is tall. And yes, ladies, those legs go all the way up. Standing at 11 feet 4 inches, Nevitt was a defensive force in the NBA during the late 1980s and early 1990s. The problem was, he couldn't move. Spurs coach John Lucas would push Nevitt into games, literally. The coach and a few players would lift Nevitt out of a box and carry him to underneath the basket during timeouts. Once there, they would extend his arms at his side, spread apart his broomstick-like legs, comb his George Michael beard and hike up his short-shorts. When the game started, opposing players were forced to shoot high-arching shots over The Bearded Behemoth or dribble around him. This strategy proved successful until a soft gush of arena air-conditioning knocked Nevitt to the hardwood.

Fun fact: A crude depiction of Nevitt's penis, drawn to scale, is seen on the side and bottom of this card.

Chuck Nevitt, 1994 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 1)

Frank Thomas, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: 20 years to life in federal prison
Key 1991 stat: Zero explosions
The case against Frank Thomas being voted into the Hall of Fame:

Exhibit A) He used three bats while at the plate, clearly a violation of some rule or other
Exhibit B) That weird dent in his elbow
Exhibit C) At least one of his bats contained dynamite, thus endangering himself, his fellow players and the fans
Exhibit D) He only played outside of stadiums, on clear nights while the moon was eclipsed
Exhibit E) He just looks so darn mean!

Frank Thomas, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions

Sandy Alomar Jr., 1993 Score Select

Name: Sandy Alomar Jr.
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One case of gingivitis
Key 1992 stat: Removed mask zero times
Mr. Alomar goes to the orthodontist: Sandy Alomar's teeth were so bad, he used to be known as "The British Puerto Rican." They were misaligned, stained and riddled with plaque and cavities. The only action his toothbrush saw was when he used it to clean his cleats. This all changed in 1992, when the Indians, realizing Alomar was the budding face of the franchise, invested thousands of dollars in cleaning up the backstop's bicuspids. But when Alomar was told he would have to wear corrective headgear all season, he balked. The catcher's chompers seemed destined to be forever hideous — until teammate Jim Thome had an idea. An expert metallurgist, Thome fashioned the headset into a catcher's mask worthy of wearing in a game. Alomar agreed to the contraption, even though it meant wearing his mask at all times. In fact, the photo above was taken at Cleveland's famous Shakespeare-in-the-Park festival that June.

Sandy Alomar Jr., 1993 Score Select

Don Zimmer, 1990 Topps

Name: Don "Popeye" Zimmer
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Manager
Value of card: 50 pounds of jowl
Key 1989 stat: 365 neck holes stretched out
It's a "Popeye" pop quiz: Which of these things is smaller than Don Zimmer's head?

A) Sputnik
B) Keith Sims' head
C) Mt. McKinley
D) Barry Bonds' head
E) All of the above, combined

Fun fact: In 1989, Zimmer came in a close second to Whitey Herzog for Slack-Jawed NL Manager of the Year.

Don Zimmer, 1990 Topps

Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 10 percent off your next stop at Quik-E-Lube
Key 1989 stat: 2,903 squints
Ten more nicknames Dennis Boyd should have considered:
10) Dennis "Coolant" Boyd
9) "Tickle Me" Dennis Boyd
8) Dennis "No 'Roid" Boyd
7) Dennis "Roundglasses" Boyd
6) Dennis "Warmup Jacket" Boyd
5) Dennis "Ol' Redglove" Boyd
4) Dennis "Synthetic" Boyd
3) Dennis "LensCrafters" Boyd
2) Dennis "The Laughing Menace" Boyd
1) "Slappy"

Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, 1990 Upper Deck

Cecil Fielder, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Cecil Fielder

Team: Detroit Tigers

Position: First base, designated hitter

Value of card: 2 pounds of bird seed

Key 1991 stat: Seven lawn chairs snapped

The ABCs of this card:

A - Animal attraction

B - Baseball, not flirting

C - Chicken says, "Nothing fowl about me."

D - Detroit, a city where laws of love are broken

E - Eggs, promised as part of breakfast in bed

F - Feathers, for tickling

G - "Get your hand off my knee."

H - "How come you don't like me?"

I - "It's a matter of taste."

J - "Just like chicken, of course."

K - Keister, comfortable in a lawn chair

L - Look of longing from the Chicken

M - Mustache, for tickling

N - Never mind cultural decorum

O - On my knees, at your service

P - Pillow talk: cluck, cluck, cluck

Q - Questions of decency arise

R - Right here, right now

S - Suggestive water bottle placement

T - Tiger in the sack, according to rumors

U - Undressing from uniforms and feathers

V - Vulgar sweet nothings, whispered in ears

W - "White meat for you, dark meat for me."

X - X-rated

Y - You can't explain lust

Z - Zoophilia

Cecil Fielder, 1992 Upper Deck

Jerry Augustine, 1984 Fleer

Name: Jerry Augustine

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Positions: Pitcher, rascal

Value of card: Hold on; we'll write it on a clipboard

Key 1983 stat: 1,016 times yelled at by manager

A step below adult behavior: Jerry Augustine was a troublemaker. During games, he'd curl up on dugout steps and take a nap until Brewers manager Harvey Kuenn yelled, waking him from his slumber. Augustine would chew huge wads of tobacco and spit into the Gatorade cooler. He would wear ridiculous bright-blue pants when the rest of the team wore white. He would draw crude pictures of airplanes and boobs on a clipboard instead of tracking pitches. He never cleaned the chew from his mustache or washed his mullet. Augustine always seemed surprised when Kuenn yelled at him, looking back at the skipper with a child's "What did I do?" face. Kuenn spent most his time during games keeping an eye the pitcher and scolding him with trips to "timeout" and by taking away his TV privileges. Finally, the constant scolding became too much for the old manager. He took Augustine out of the rotation and let him doodle on his clipboard during games for the rest of the season. This allowed Augustine to come up with his finest pitch: a blueprint of his Boeing B-17 Flying Bosom Bomber for the Army.

Fun fact: The stain on the top of this card is Augustine's chew spit, raising the card's value to nearly 2 cents.

Jerry Augustine, 1984 Fleer

Sammy Sosa, 1993 Studio

Name: Sammy Sosa

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Outfield

Value of card: 75-cent haircut in the Dominican Republic

Key 1993 stat: 716 "finger gun" salutes

10 names for Sammy Sosa's 1993 haircut:

10) The Turtleneck Topper

9) El Feo

8) Cascade into Widow's Peak, No. 4

7) The Big "C" (for "catastrophe")

6) The Finger Gun Flat Top

5) The Drunken Barber

4) Razor Gasp Raiser

3) Fine Lines Between Fashion and Failure

2) The Result of Years of Drug Abuse

1) Hairdo Not

Sammy Sosa, 1993 Studio

Rod Nichols, 1989 Topps

Name: Rod Nichols

Team: Cleveland Indians

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Tax receipt from pair of oversize glasses donated to Goodwill

Key 1988 stat: 4-inch-by-5-inch glass lenses

Time for another pop quiz:

What did Rod Nichols do in the offseason?

(A) Collect nickels

(B) Sit in a white panel van outside preschool playgrounds

(C) Influence hip-hop with his "pop-yo'-collar" look

(D) Teach chemistry

(E) All of the above

Rod Nichols, 1989 Topps

Jeff McKnight, 1991 Topps

Name: Jeff McKnight
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Utility player
Value of card: Three cans of Doc McKnight's Mustache Thinner
Key 1990 stat: Four RBI. Seriously.
Clearing up some rumors about Jeff McKnight:
• McKnight did NOT wear sunglasses. Instead, he purchased reading glasses and shaded them in with a No. 2 pencil.
• McKnight did NOT have a mustache. Instead, he trimmed locks from his golden mullet and stapled them to his upper lip.
• McKnight DID in fact star in a TV pilot, called "McKnight Rider," about a baseball player who moonlights as a rodeo star. The show did NOT co-star the lovely Delta Burke.
• McKnight DID have his own baseball card despite appearing in just 29 games in 1990. This was due in large part to his golden mullet.

Jeff McKnight, 1991 Topps

Mark McGwire, 1990 Mother's Cookies insert

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Position: First base

Value of card: Cookies

Key 1989 stat: Take what's in the glove. McGwire commands it!
10 things we wish Mark McGwire were offering us:

10) An actual game-worn first baseman's mitt!

9) A place to rest our weary heads

8) A delicious Big Mac

7) Eternal glory

6) An all-expenses paid trip to scenic Oakland

5) The Cream, but not so much the Clear

4) A reprise from his piercing glare

3) The secret of how he squeezes into such tight-fitting pants. Ooh-la-la!

2) The location of the rest of his sleeves

1) A chance to win this infernal staring contest

Mark McGwire, 1990 Mother's Cookies insert

Jose Canseco, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Jose Canseco

Team: Texas Rangers

Positions: Outfield, pitchman

Value of card: First shipment is free; just enclose $14.95 for shipping and handling

Key 1993 stat: Two massive biceps, courtesy of "Care-oids"

Script from "Care-oids" television commercial, circa 1994: "Howdy, fellas. I'm Jose Canseco. You probably know me from my exploits on the diamond. (Cut to clip of Canseco hitting ball, lifting hand above eyes to shield sun, and watching ball fly out of stadium.) But nothing I do on the field would be possible without what I do in the weight room. (Cut to clip of Canseco bench-pressing an attractive woman.) I may be the strongest player in the majors, but it's not all god-given talent. (Canseco struts through weight room, shirtless.) You see, I have my own kind of spotter when I'm pumping iron. (Rapid zoom to close-up of product.) It's called 'Care-oids,' and I wouldn't trust my muscles to anything else. You see, 'Care-oids' is a scientific breakthrough meant to help athletes reach their top level of performance without all the hassle of working out more than a few minutes a day. Here's how it works. (Cut to Canseco bending over a weight bench, slightly pulling down his spandex gym shorts.) Just take one of our patented 'Care-oids Super Syringes,' and fill it up with a healthy dose of 'Care-oids.' Flick the needle once or twice, stick it in your rear end, and, voila, you're on your way to becoming twice the man, and twice the athlete. (Cut to Canseco doing curls.) Take it from me, I wouldn't be curling these nearly 8-pound dumbbells if it weren't for 'Care-oids.' And get this: We'll send your first shipment free. That's right. After that, just head down to 64th Street and Jefferson, stand next to the Dumpster for a while, and wait for Reggie to show up with your next shipment in a brown paper bag. It's that easy. (Cut to close-up of Canseco flashing a big smile.) Remember, if you care about sports, and you care about your body, you'll get a lot of stares with 'Care-oids.'"

Jose Canseco, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Cory Snyder, 1987 Topps

Name: Cory Snyder
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A pair of scissors
Key 1986 stat: One mullet bleached
And the "Can I Finish?" Award goes to: Cory Snyder was having a bad day. While driving to spring training in Tucson, Ariz., cars kept swerving in front of him. Once he arrived at camp, his teammates wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise. That jerk Brett Butler kept stealing all his fly balls, and Joe Carter jumped ahead of him in line for BP. It only got worse when he saw his Topps rookie card, which looked like it bad been mangled by Freddy Krueger. "Great," he said. "What's next? Is some writer gonna put together an article on me where the end gets cut o

Card submitted by Greg Schindler

Cory Snyder, 1987 Topps

Charles Mann, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 32)

Name: Charles Mann

Team: Washington Redskins

Position: Defensive end

Value of card: "Bend over and I'll show you," Mann says

Key 1990 stat: Two massive traps

It's time for a pigskin quiz, sans shirt:

Why is Charles Mann the man?

(A) His muscles have muscles, which have muscles on top of muscles

(B) He pulls off the cutoff-sweatshorts-over-spandex look

(C) His mustache is as long as a normal man's arm

(D) When he crushes balls, no one makes a joke about it

(E) All of the above

Charles Mann, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 32)

Mark Langston, Jim Abbott, Chuck Finley, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Names, from left: Mark Langston, Jim Abbott, Chuck Finley
Team: California Angels
Positions: Pitcher
Value of card: Four red shoes, two gray shoes
Key 1992 stat: One triple pitch
Party of three for — The Matchup:

Round 1: Best mullet (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Hands (Winners: Langston and Finley)
Round 3: Sternness (Winner: Abbott)
Round 4: Bulge (Winner: Langston)
Round 5: Smokin' hot ex-wife (Winner: Finley)
Round 6: Jauntiness (Winner: Finley)
Round 7: Ability to overcome adversity (Winner: Abbott)
Round 8: Hands, again (Winners: Langston and Finley)

Score: Finley 4, Langston 3, Abbott 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Sure, they have the same haircut, but in the battle of "Lethal Lefties," Chuck Finley outmullets the competition — to death.

Mark Langston, Jim Abbott, Chuck Finley, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Andre Dawson, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Andre "The Hawk" Dawson

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Outfield

Value of card: An afternoon of laughter by teammates

Key 1992 stat: 239 clumsy stumbles

The Hawk says it's pop quiz time:

What caused Andre Dawson to fall?

(A) His massive flip-up glasses weighed him down.

(B) He was attacked by a hawk that didn't approve of his nickname.

(C) It's not Dawson; it's three players dressed like him whose homoerotic conga line went wrong.

(D) At his advanced age, he mistook a brick wall for third base.

(E) He slipped on the tears of title drought-weary Cubs fans.

(F) All of the above.

Andre Dawson, 1993 Upper Deck

Rick Waits, 1986 Topps

Name: Rick Waits

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 50 cent tip for performance at country-western bar

Key 1985 stat: 4 ounces of blue food coloring in eyes

10 country songs Rick Waits wrote before his foray into baseball:

(10) "The Blue-eyed, Brewin' Bandit"

(9) "My Facial Hair Six-String"

(8) "Beard for My Horses (And Whiskers for My Teammates)"

(7) "On the Road Again ... and Losing"

(6) "No Razor, No Class, No Problem"

(5) "Rhinestone Middle Reliever"

(4) "Pale and Proud of the U.S.A."

(3) "All My Ex's Live in Unincorporated Parts of Milwaukee County, in the Same Mobile Home Park"

(2) "Ginger Went Down to Georgia"

(1) "Achy Breaky Beard"

Rick Waits, 1986 Topps