Frank Thomas, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: 20 years to life in federal prison
Key 1991 stat: Zero explosions
The case against Frank Thomas being voted into the Hall of Fame:

Exhibit A) He used three bats while at the plate, clearly a violation of some rule or other
Exhibit B) That weird dent in his elbow
Exhibit C) At least one of his bats contained dynamite, thus endangering himself, his fellow players and the fans
Exhibit D) He only played outside of stadiums, on clear nights while the moon was eclipsed
Exhibit E) He just looks so darn mean!

Frank Thomas, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions