Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Bret "Slider" Saberhagen

Teams: Kansas City Royals, Top Gun Naval Flying School

Position: Ace, hotshot fighter pilot

Value of card: Three toothpicks

Key 1990 stat: Two engines, one need — a need for speed

The forgotten gun: Everyone who has seen the 1980s action classic "Top Gun" remembers Maverick, Iceman and Goose. But what about Slider? A risk taker. A rebel. A winner. No, not Tom Cruise's Maverick. That was Bret Saberhagen's Slider. Before director Tony Scott re-cut the film, Saberhagen was undoubtedly the star. He single-handedly beat Maverick and Goose on the beach volleyball court, and while everyone on the sand went shirtless, Slider went shirtless and shortless. In the skies, Slider was at home. He didn't wear an oxygen mask. Why? Because you can't chew on toothpicks when wearing one. He didn't have the standard military cut. Oh no. He had a flowing, golden mullet that was so thick he didn't have to wear a flying helmet. He had wings on his plane, wings on his bomber jacket and hair wings on the sides of his head. He was an aviator who wore aviators, a rebel who lived fast, played fast and flew fast. He was Slider, and when his performance was cut from "Top Gun," he took his need for speed to the diamond, and the sky was his limit.

Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Upper Deck

Thomas Lewis, 1994 Upper Deck Heavyweights (Football Friday No. 36)

Name: Thomas Lewis

Team: New York Giants

Position: Wide receiver

Value of card: 2 ounces of surfboard Sex Wax

Key 1993 stat: Eight-pack abs

Thomas Lewis' thoughts, 2:34 to 2:35 p.m. Aug. 14, 1993: "I see you staring. Yeah, that's right, I surf. I boogie down. I catch waves. I hang-ten. I wear short-shorts. I have sculpted abs and white-painted fingernails. Why? Because chicks dig me. Hey, baby. I see you in that bikini. You see me giving you my sex stare. That's right, I'm staring, like a jaguar. Don't look away. Don't pretend it's creepy. This is me, the jaguar. A jaguar who likes to boogie down on the waves and with the ladies. Grrrr."

Thomas Lewis, 1994 Upper Deck Heavyweights (Football Friday No. 36)

Roger McDowell, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Roger McDowell

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Position: Relief pitcher

Value of card: Ziploc bag of curly mullet hair

Key 1991 stat: 14 credit-hours at Lasorda University

Clearing up some rumors about Roger McDowell:

• McDowell didn't wear a hat on the field, he let his curly locks shield him from the sun.
• McDowell didn't carry a knife, he used his Oakley Blades as a shiv.
• McDowell didn't grow his mullet, it was part of a combo package, along with the Blades, sold exclusively to major leaguers in the early 1990s.
• McDowell is not blind, he just lacked fashion sense.

Roger McDowell, 1992 Upper Deck

Rollie Fingers, 1985 Topps

Name: Rollie Fingers
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One four-fingered glove
Key 1984 stat: One sweaty lip
It's a mustachioed pop quiz:
Who is Rollie Fingers' mortal enemy?

A) The Red Baron
B) King Camp Gillette
C) The dreaded mustache flea
D) Dudley Doright
E) Nobody. With a mustache like that, everybody wants to be your friend.

Rollie Fingers, 1985 Topps

John Franco, 1988 Topps

Name: John Franco
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Closer
Value of card: Two pieces of pocket lint from thrift-store pants
Key 1987 stat: 30 teammates antagonized
Putting the "jerk" in jerkface: John Franco was a scumbag. Rather than working on his screwball during practice, the pitcher would sit as close as he could to the batting cages, fart and then snicker as the hitters would try and fight through his "Brooklyn Bombs" during BP. Everybody was able to laugh off this childish prank — that is, until Franco stole Chris Sabo's glasses one morning, as seen in this photo. Sabo, unable to see without his face windshield, snapped when Franco decided to break wind during his hitting session. Sabo charged out of the cage and at Franco, wielding his bat and following Franco's hideous scent. Franco, terrified for his life, quickly turned his Cincinnati Reds pants into something more resembling the Cleveland Browns.

John Franco, 1988 Topps

Will Clark, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: A coach's love is priceless
Key 1991 stat: Zero eye injuries
Actual gameday conversation between Will Clark and Giants first base coach:
Coach: "Will! You get back here right now! You are not going out there again without your eyeblack."
Clark (whining): "But, coach! All the other guys are already out there waiting for me. You're embarrassing me!"
Coach: "I don't care. If all the other guys jumped off a cliff, would you, too? Besides, you know what I always say. It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye."
Clark (huffy): "Coach, that doesn't even make any sense. Fine, hurry up, put it on already."
(Clark stomps back; coach applies eyeblack.)
Coach: "There. Now, put on both these pairs of sunglasses, then you can go run along and play. And, Will — I'm proud of you, Will."
Clark: "That's kind of creepy, coach."

Will Clark, 1992 Upper Deck

Jerrol Williams, 1993 Pro Set Power Moves (NFL Draft Weekend No. 4)

Name: Jerrol Williams
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers, maybe

Position: Practice squad linebacker

Value of card: Number of jersey holes - jersey number - Jersey turnpikes = 0

Key 1992 stat: Zero "power moves"

It's time for another pop quiz:

Why is Jerrol Williams dressed like this?

(A) He's getting ready for the Miners-Tigers preseason high school football game.

(B) He just robbed a bank in a bad 1990s action movie.

(C) He's on his way back from a Chippendales event, at which he was known as "The Sack Machine."

(D) He's blind.

(E) All of the above

Jerrol Williams, 1993 Pro Set Power Moves (NFL Draft Weekend No. 4)

Tré Johnson, 1994 Bowman (NFL Draft Weekend, No. 3)

Name: Tré Johnson
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: One missing tooth
Key 1993 stat: Constantly impressed
Amaze Tré — take this quiz:

Finish Tré Johnon's sentence: "Daaaaaaaayummmmm, _____"
A) Gina!
B) Coach Gibbs! You really fill out that Spandex!
C) why are my ears so freakishly small?
D) ice cream man! I buy all your Drumsticks every day, and every day you come back with more!
E) playing football without pads hurts!

Tré Johnson, 1994 Bowman (NFL Draft Weekend, No. 3)

Raghib "Rocket" Ismail, 1993 Action Packed (NFL Draft Weekend No. 2)

Name: Raghib "Rocket" Ismail
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Kick returner, wide receiver
Value of card: 14 liters of action
Key 1992 stat: One launch
Boredom is not allowed: Action Packed isn't just the maker of this stunning piece of sports memorabilia, it's also the perfect way to describe it. Rocket is running so fast, his gloves are stretching up his forearms! ZOOM! His bulge appears to be in two places at once! POW! Then there's that phallus-shaped icon with his name on it! BAP! And look out for that crazy, action-packed trapezoid thing jutting onto the card! There's so much going on, the cardmaker had to cut off three of Ismail's limbs and add a boring little clip-art Raiders helmet just to avoid an action overdose!

Raghib "Rocket" Ismail, 1993 Action Packed (NFL Draft Weekend No. 2)

Cortez Kennedy, 1990 NFL Pro Set (NFL Draft Weekend No. 1)

Name: Cortez Kennedy

Team: Seattle Seahawks

Position: Defensive tackle

Value of card: 343 pounds (pounds sterling, former British monetary unit)

Key 1989 stat: 343 pounds (actual fat-guy weight)

Camelot's finest: At 5 feet 8 and 343 pounds, Cortez Kennedy was a model of the male physique. Women swooned when he went shirtless and men sucked in their guts when he walked past. But it wasn't only his muscular makeup that drew lust. The defensive tackle was a descendant of the Kennedy clan, a part of America's royal family. This combination of brawn, brains and bravado not only set afire the ladies, it moved some of the NFL's manliest men to pursue Kennedy, to the lengths of ripping off his clothes on the field. Of course, when this happened, half the crowd fainted, half the crowd felt ashamed, half the crowd was reminded of JFK on a Cape Cod beach and half the crowd critiqued the math of those who counted what the crowd was doing.

Cortez Kennedy, 1990 NFL Pro Set (NFL Draft Weekend No. 1)

Rick Sutcliffe, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Rick "The Shadow" Sutcliffe

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Ace

Value of card: Only The Shadow knows

Key 1988 stat: All his hours cloaked in darkness

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Rick Sutcliffe was an ace and former Cy Young winner with many hobbies and occupations. But that didn't stop him from becoming a crime-fighting vigilante with psychic powers. Sutcliffe moonlighted as "The Shadow," a hero who influenced the minds of evildoers by making them see a few feet to the right or left of where he stood. When an opponent would fire a bullet or swing for the fences, The Shadow would let out his trademark laugh as the guns and bats fell silent. From where did these powers emerge? Was Sutcliffe born with this gift of mind control? Did he learn it from a sorcerer, warlock or hand-puppet master? The answer to all these questions, The Shadow knows, is no. The Shadow's powers came from the perfect fusion of two omnipotent sources: the feathered mullet and scraggly beard.

Rick Sutcliffe, 1989 Upper Deck

Jamie Navarro, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Jamie Navarro

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Key 1991 stat: One stolen base

Jamie Navarro uses a base for a pillow; 10 other baseball items he uses for something other than their intended purpose:

10) Warm-up jacket for pajamas (see above)

9) Batting cage to house The Gimp

8) Rosin bag for coke parties

7) His jersey number for a ridiculous earring (see above)

6) Batting tee for lonely nights

5) Pine tar for tanning cream

4) Athletic cup for drinking herbal tea

3) Catcher's mask for The Gimp

2) On-deck donut for breakfast

1) Catcher's mitt for a lover

Jamie Navarro, 1992 Upper Deck

Oil Can Boyd, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 10W-30

Key 1991 stat: 14 25-cent, gum-ball machine fake gold chains worn at once

Oil, meet Can: Dennis Boyd's play certainly didn't help him stand out in the big leagues, but he craved the spotlight. He needed a gimmick, so he turned to his idols: Ghandi and Mr. T. The latter was once a nobody named Laurence Tureaud. The former was a skinny chump who was able to take on the British empire after acquiring a nickname. From Mr. T, Boyd took a penchant for wearing 13 too many chains and a realization of the effectiveness of a straightforward nickname; for him, "Oil." From Ghandi, Boyd took an admiration for round eyewear and an understanding of the power of an inspirational nickname; for him, "Can." With his jewelry and glasses stylings meshed, Boyd knew there was only one thing left to do to ensure his spot in the spotlight: combine the Mr. T-inspired "Oil" with the Ghandi-inspired "Can" and become the inspiration for terrible nicknames, and even worse ones.

Oil Can Boyd, 1992 Upper Deck

Howard Johnson, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Howard Johnson
Team: New York Mets
Positions: Third base, father
Value of card: Two packing peanuts
Key 1991 stat: One paternity test
Pop quiz, HoJo-style:

If this child, who looks nothing like HoJo, is the son of Mrs. Howard Johnson, who is his father?

A) Howard Johnson
B) Howard Johnson's beard
C) Some hotel magnate or other
D) That rascal Keith Hernandez
E) The UPS guy

Howard Johnson, 1992 Upper Deck

Derrel Thomas, 1981 Topps

Name: Derrel Thomas
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Outfield, second base, etc., etc.
Value of card: $20 off at Dr. Danny's Orthodontiporium
Key 1980 stat: 206 jobs held
Mr. Everything: Derrel Thomas is perhaps the greatest example baseball has seen of a "utility player." During his lengthy, if not illustrious, career, Thomas played every defensive position except pitcher. His lifetime fielding statistics take longer to read than the average U.S. budget. But even that list doesn't cover it all. Thomas also drove the team bus, operated the scoreboard at home games and cleaned the locker room showers. In 1979, Thomas acted as team dentist, transplanting one of his own front teeth into Steve Garvey's mouth when Garvey got into a fight after making eyes at the Phillie Phanatic. Thomas also once gave Tommy Lasorda a back rub after a 13-inning loss to the Mets, though he wasn't acting in any official capacity.

Derrel Thomas, 1981 Topps

Thom Darden, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 35)

Name: Thom Darden

Team: Cleveland Browns

Position: Safety

Value of card: Open up, say "ahh" and we'll tell you

Key 1976 stat: One major predicament for Topps brass

The origins of Photoshop: Card companies didn't strive for perfection in the 1970s, but when they realized they had a major problem, they acted. When Topps football executives were looking over the final photos to be used for their 1977 set, they realized only one shot of Thom Darden existed. This photo featured the Browns safety with his mouth gaping. But there was a difference between the photo and the card above: The water bottle wasn't there. Darden was on the sidelines, lips spread apart 6 inches like a failed "Rocky Horror Picture Show" movie poster model, but the photographer couldn't explain why. Darden didn't appear to be yelling. He didn't have documented breathing problems. And he wasn't drinking anything. So a Topps executive made a decision that drew from the genius of a 1952 Gus Zernial card and that would lay the groundwork for such classic cards as 1990 Topps Al Newman and 1990 Special Edition Bo Jackson. "Just paste in a photo of a phallic-looking water bottle, for chris'sakes," the executive told his imaging crew. "Now, let's move on to the next issue: scotch." The crew had never faked an image before, so they went to a small photography store a few blocks from the office, The Photo Shop, and made history.

Thom Darden, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 35)

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Juan Gonzalez

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Outfield

Value of card: The sweat after 10 sets of 10 curls, bro

Key 1993 stat: 12,590 inconspicuous biceps flexes

Clearing up some rumors about Juan Gonzalez:

• Gonzalez didn't have blood rushing through his veins. He had more muscles in them.
• Gonzalez didn't do steroids. He was born 6 feet 3 and 220 pounds with 23-inch biceps.
• Gonzalez didn't have a mullet. He had a giant mustache on his scalp and neck.
• Gonzalez didn't hang out in Puerto Rican bath houses. Except for this card. And on Tuesdays. And Saturdays. And ...
• Gonzalez didn't have a massive Adam's apple. That was his neck's biceps.

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Upper Deck

Ryan Bowen, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Ryan Bowen
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One piggy-back ride
Key 1991 stat: 0.01 miles walked
Hitchhiker's guide to the infield: Superstitions are rampant among baseball players, perhaps none more so than the habit many pitchers have of avoiding stepping on the baselines on their way back to the dugout. Ryan Bowen took this to the next level. After recording the third out of each inning, Bowen would refuse to leave the pitcher's mound under his own power. Instead, he would gingerly step to the edge of the mound, where shortstop Casey Candaele or second baseman Craig Biggio would pick him up and carry him piggy-back style to the dugout. Many snickered at the routine, but Bowen and Biggio had the last laugh when they beat McGwire and Canseco to win the 1992 All Star Game Chicken Fight that July.

Ryan Bowen, 1992 Upper Deck

Jim Abbott, 1992 Upper Deck Be Cool Stay In School

Name: Jim Abbott

Teams: California Angels, University of Michigan Academic Decathlon C Team

Positions: Pitcher, Geography major

Value of card: VG+

Key 1991 stat: Three A's, two B's

A study in studying: Tack board? Check. 1989 Macintosh II? Check. Focused look? Check. Pin-up of hermaphrodite? Check. Jim Abbott was serious about studying, and he had all the tools to make him successful in the classroom and on the diamond.

Nothing fake about staying in school: Abbott had a lot on his plate when he pretended to go back to the University of Michigan for an ill-conceived insert series for Upper Deck's 1992 set. He had to simulate living in a fake dorm room. He had to attend imaginary classes held in imaginary classrooms. He had to eat nonexistent food at a cafeteria that never existed. He had to stare at a blank screen as if he were studying and pretend to type. Despite this schedule, Abbott found time to grow and maintain a pristine mullet, for real.

Fun fact No. 1: Abbott proved to be a good actor. He quickly picked up the college student habit of typing with one hand.

Fun fact No. 2: Paramedics had to revive Abbott after his mock turtleneck sweatshirt cut off the circulation to his brain.

Jim Abbott, 1992 Upper Deck Be Cool Stay In School

Alex Cole, 1990 Fleer

Name: Alex Cole

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Position: Outfield

Value of card: One mustache trim at Fantastic Sam's

Key 1989 stat: Two windshields for lenses

Time for another pop quiz:

What is Alex Cole thinking?

(A) Why am I swinging a 6-foot broom handle?

(B) I need to get a pair of Oakleys that are five sizes too big.

(C) Man, this dress belt I got from Siegfried & Roy sure is tight.

(D) Why are my glasses being held on by a Jamaican flag?

(E) All of the above.

Alex Cole, 1990 Fleer

Billy Ripken, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Billy Ripken

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Positions: Second base, Camera No. 2

Value of card: Payback is priceless

Key 1991 stat: 4.3 megapixels

Turnabout is foul play: Billy Ripken had been planning his revenge for two years. In 1989, he was the butt of the most renowned practical joke in sports card history, infuriating him and his legendary baseball family. Fans of all stripes had spent two years calling him a name that rhymes with "Thuck Face" after a mischievous Fleer photographer wrote the words on the knob of his bat and the card made it into thousands of homes and the collections of countless gleeful children. Ripken channeled his anger into a plan meant to embarrass all sports card photographers to the extent of humiliation he had felt when his Fleer card debuted in 1990. Ripken spent months working on a powerful camera with a lens the size of a watermelon and a zoom that could pierce thin walls and textiles. With the help of a forklift, he brought his giant camera, which he dubbed the "(Expletive) Face 3,000," to early season games in 1991 when sports cards photographers were sure to be shooting. Instead of taking batting practice or fielding ground balls, Ripken aimed his massive lens at the photographers, hoping to catch them unawares in compromising situations. Alas, Ripken wasn't much of a photographer, and because he couldn't lift the camera without the help of a crane he was immobile and unable to follow the shutterbugs. He spent hours focused, one eye closed, the other scanning for his shot, but he never snapped a photo he could use as payback. But his focus and immobility did give his nemesis, the Fleer photographer, the last laugh: After hours behind the camera, Ripken played a game in 1991 with a sign taped to his back that read, "It says (expletive) face on my knob."

Billy Ripken, 1992 Upper Deck

David Ortiz, 2010 Topps When They Were Young (2010 Week, No. 7)

Name: David Ortiz

Team: Boston Red Sox

Positions: Designated hitter, pointing at you

Value of card: One four-pack of cloth diapers

Key 2009 stat: .324 potty training average

Big baby: Players are signed to big-league contracts at a young age in Latin American countries. David "Big Papi" Ortiz was no different. At age 5, when scouts and sports announcers called him "Big Baby," Ortiz was a star on the Santo Domingo Ninos in the Dominican Republic. He could hit a foam ball nearly 7 feet and was adept at chewing the stitches off baseballs. But it was his physique that most impressed scouts. Big Baby already had Big Papi's patented barrel-boiler gut, and his sausage fingers seemed made for gripping a bat. He had attitude, too, as can be seen in the card above, in which he's pointing at the Topps photographer and saying, in Spanish, "I go poo-poo on your camera." His style was legendary even at age 5, when he played in tube socks pulled to his knees, cholo shorts, shirtless, with a diaper fashioned into a jockstrap. His beard would grow a few months later.

David Ortiz, 2010 Topps When They Were Young (2010 Week, No. 7)

2010 Topps History of the Game (2010 Week, No. 6)

Name: First Televised World Series Championship

Teams: New York Yankees, Brooklyn Dodgers

Positions: All of them

Value of card: One ha'penny

Key 1947 stat: One black player in all of Major League Baseball

Looking sharp in 2010: Man, these 2010 Topps cards look great. The colors are vivid. Look at that green. It's like you're watching high-definition TV, part of it in retro black and white. Wow. Amazing. With this set, collectors not only get one of the most action-packed shots in sports card history, they get a glimpse of high fashion, modeled by a TV cameraman. What this card doesn't show you are some of the game's fastest rising stars, sure to dominate the game well into 2011 and beyond. There's Arky Vaughan, Cookie Lavagetto, Erv Palica and Kirby Higbe on the Brooklyn Dodgers. Who knew they moved from Los Angeles? On the Yankees, you have Spec Shea, Spud Chandler, Dick Starr and Mel Queen. Expect big things from these future stars in the 21st century. And expect Topps to keep pushing sports cards into the future.

2010 Topps History of the Game (2010 Week, No. 6)

Brad Penny, 2010 Topps (2010 Week, No. 5)

Name: Brad Penny

Team: San Francisco Giants

Positions: Pitcher, Lone Nutcase

Value of card: A penny

Key 2009 stat: 12 photographers plunked

Penny pincher: Baseball card photographers are a randy bunch. They have a good time with the fun-loving players and play jokes on those who are easily antagonized. At the end of the 2009 season, a Giants player who will remain nameless (Pablo Sandoval) egged on a Topps photographer, telling him to pinch Brad Penny on the bum and run away. The Topps photographer, always ready for a romp, sneaked up behind Penny and pinched away. He then ran, making it about 9 feet before he turned around, snapped a photo and ...

Brad Penny, 2010 Topps (2010 Week, No. 5)

Chipper Jones, 2010 Topps Cards Your Mom Threw Out (2010 Week, No. 4)

Name: Chipper Jones
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Shortstop, apparently
Value of card: Larry! Larry!
Key 2009 stat: Larry! Larry!
Braves' scouting report on No. 1 draft pick Chipper Jones: Swings bat well from both sides of plate, but definitely looks cuter on the left. ... Repeatedly punched scout in the groin after said scout called him Larry. ... Great prospect at shortstop, but would likely flounder at other positions, especially third. ... Huge, huge fan of Poison. ... Could drink Ted Kennedy under the table. ... Didn't seem to mind having his picture taken in a city park. ... Five-tool player, but only if he brings a hammer and saw with him. ... Swears he plays better with a packet of Pop Rocks in his mouth. ... He's quite squinty. ... Despite nickname, never really seems to be happy to see anybody.

Chipper Jones, 2010 Topps Cards Your Mom Threw Out (2010 Week, No. 4)

Miller Park, 2010 Topps (2010 Week, No. 3)

Name: Miller Park

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Stadium

Value of card: Four maxipads

Key 2009 stat: 12,942 giggles from pilots and blimp operators

Top 10 misconceptions about Miller Park:

10) Its design was not based on a photo in the July 1995 edition of Penthouse.

9) Men do enjoy being inside it, but only because of the beer and baseball.

8) There is not a little spot at the top that gets its roof to open wider.

7) It was not almost named Tampax Park.

6) Stop giggling!

5) The bushes outside the front gates do not, in fact, get trimmed regularly.

4) The odor emanating from Miller Park is nonexistent. The same cannot be said for most of Milwaukee.

3) Its nickname is not "The Big Vajayjay."

2) Just because it can hold 41,900 people at a time, that does not mean it gets around.

1) It does not close down temporarily every 28 days, otherwise known as "that time of the month."

Miller Park, 2010 Topps (2010 Week, No. 3)

Nolan Reimold, Adam Jones, Nick Markakis, 2010 Topps Orioles Checklist (2010 Week, No. 2)

Names: Nolan Reimold, Adam Jones, Nick Markakis
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Three yawns
Key 2009 stat: Zero times in proper fielding position
It's Matchup time:

Round 1: Proper use of the GoateeSaver (Winner: Markakis)
Round 2: Lack of interest in game (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Room in crotch of pants (Winner: Markakis)
Round 4: Sharing name with known criminal (Winner: Jones)
Round 5: Tight sleeves (Winner: Markakis)
Round 6: Lack of knowledge about how to wear a glove (Winner: Jones)
Round 7: Baby-smooth skin (Winner: Reimold)
Round 8: Desire to get the hell out of Baltimore and play for a winning team (Winner: Tie)

Score: Markakis 3, Jones 2, Reimold 1

Synopsis: In the battle of who could care less, Nick "The Stick" Markakis walks away with the Apathy Cup — and the dopest nickname.

Nolan Reimold, Adam Jones, Nick Markakis, 2010 Topps Orioles Checklist (2010 Week, No. 2)

Randy Johnson, 2010 Topps (2010 Week, No. 1)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Seven feet of leg
Key 2009 stat: One headline made
Play ball! All this week, we'll mercilessly mock highlight cards from the new 2010 Topps set. And what better place to start than with someone who won't be playing this year? Let the season begin!
Smooth like buttah: The grace. The ease. The fluidity of motion. This is Randy Johnson, pitcher, dancer, inspiration. Sure, his sheer size may have been intimidating to some hitters, but many batters also often found themselves in awe of the elegance with which the Big Unit moved. And anyone who ever saw the big fella run the bases can attest to his poise. Now that he has retired, we at the Bust are proud to break the news that Randy Johnson has signed on to perform with the San Francisco Ballet company. That's right, the Big Unit is now the Big Tutu. Get your tickets here.

Randy Johnson, 2010 Topps (2010 Week, No. 1)

Jim Abbott, 1993 Upper Deck Community Heroes

Name: Jim Abbott
Team: California Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two. That's all, just two.
Key 1992 stat: One inappropriately placed microphone
Double or nothing on this quiz: Other than hands, what does Jim Abbott want two of?
A) Tacos
B) Girls, but just one cup
C) Tickets to paradise
D) Hours (OK, minutes) with Chuck Finley's smokin' hot wife
E) All of the above
F) None of the above. He just desperately wants two hands.

Jim Abbott, 1993 Upper Deck Community Heroes

Lincoln Kennedy, 1993 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 34)

Name: Lincoln Kennedy

Team: Atlanta Falcons

Position: Tackle

Value of card: 25 cents for gumball-machine watch

Key 1992 stat: 2 feet grown, 220 pounds gained

A kid's game: At 11 years old, Lincoln Kennedy was 4 feet 5 and 100 pounds. He was a normal kid who liked playing on jungle gyms, eating hot dogs with cheese in the middle and watching Saturday morning cartoons. Then, he experienced the most epic growth spurt in recorded history. Within a few weeks, he grew to 6 feet 5 and weighed 320 pounds. He was awkward at first, tripping over his 14-pound feet and knocking over things with his salami-stick fingers. But he started to gain control of his body, building the confidence needed to enter under-14 sumo wrestling matches and apple sauce-eating contests. At a Fourth of July AppleFest in Atlanta, a Falcons scout passed by a stage and saw the massive 11-year-old chugging apple sauce by the gallon. In a moment, he knew: "Lil' Lincoln" had the size, stamina and swagger to play in the NFL, immediately. The scout talked to Lincoln behind the stage, and made a deal the child prodigy couldn't refuse: a three-year contract with the Falcons in exchange for a swimming pool full of apple sauce, a team hat too small for his massive head and a gumball-machine watch.

Lincoln Kennedy, 1993 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 34)