Rondell White, 1991 Score 1st Round Draft Pick

Name: Rondell White

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Left field

Value of card: 1 liter, Canadian maple syrup, regurgitated

Key 1990 stat: 14 ounces of face sweat

Expos' scouting report on first-round pick Rondell White: "Never seen him play, but looks good posing in front of the sun. ... Doesn't mind wearing a hat that has been sat on for six weeks. ... Says Montreal is his favorite city in "America's Hat." ... Despite last name, is not Caucasian. ... Wears wristband on arm, shin and, um, well, let's just say he doesn't need to wear a cup. ... May or may not have eyebrows, eyelashes and hair. ... No one wears a blue belt better. ... Has a plus bat, but a minus Photoshop bat. ... Recycling his face sweat could cut in half field-watering costs. ... Has said he won't be an Expo; he's a Now-spo."

Rondell White, 1991 Score 1st Round Draft Pick

Tom Brookens, 1989 Donruss

Name: Tom Brookens
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Third base
Value of card: One saddle sore
Key 1988 stat: 16 ounces of 'stache
Fun facts about Tom Brookens and Tom Brookens' mustache:

• Tom Brookens struck out 74 times in 1988. His mustache never struck out.
• Tom Brookens once committed four errors in a game. His mustache always erred on the side of awesome.
• Tom Brookens enjoys Western movies. His mustache could star in one.
• Tom Brookens has a car that can seat up to five people. His mustache can also seat up to five people.
• Tom Brookens likes steak and potatoes. His mustache has enough food in it to feed an impoverished African community.
• Tom Brookens is now 56 years old. His mustache is timeless.

Tom Brookens, 1989 Donruss

Mark McGwire, 1989 Pepsi-Cola special edition

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Not sure (Pepsi Soda-Stars?)

Position: Alone on the field

Value of card: Two ripped-off tabs from Pepsi cans

Key 1988 stat: 5 milliliters of high-fructose corn syrup

10 reasons this card is not the choice of the next generation:

10) After the photo shoot, McGwire had to have his legs amputated because his pants were so tight.

9) No mullet, no facial hair, no dice.

8) One person in the stands, and he's leaving.

7) McGwire actually conducted this photo shoot by himself with a tripod, a timer and three Coors Lights.

6) Yes, ladies, those stirrups go all the way up.

5) Lots of foul ground, more foul stench.

4) McGwire has never, ever stood like that during a game.

3) No A's logo, but Pepsi and Chevron are represented.

2) The infield dirt has been drug to resemble a giant penis starting between McGwire's legs.

1) McGwire was on Coke.

Mark McGwire, 1989 Pepsi-Cola special edition

Mitch Williams, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Positions: Closer, pitchman

Value of card: Three of the plastic circles left over after manufacturer cuts holes in athletic cups

Key 1991 stat: One annoying song, 21,762 times played

Script from Acme Athletic Cups TV commercial, circa 1991: "Hey there, sports fans. Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams here for Acme Athletic Cups, the world's most supportive codpiece. Take it from a guy who knows what it feels like to get kicked in the junk. (Cut to video of Joe Carter hitting a home run off Williams to clinch World Series title.) When you need protection, support and comfort, smart players slowly and sensually put on an Acme. Acme has been manufacturing the world's most durable athletic cups since the 1930s, and, six decades later, we're still going strong. (Cut to video of unnamed player swinging bat and hitting Williams in crotch.) But Acme cups aren't just strong, they're comfortable. I'm a 'wild' guy who likes to hang out, if you catch my drift. (Cut to shot of Williams perched in dugout, legs spread, bulge on display.) And I like to hang out with the best. Acme, with us, your cup will never runneth over."

Mitch Williams, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Neal Heaton, 1991 Donruss

Name: Neal "Heat-On" Heaton

Team: Pittsburgh Pirates

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Pennsylvania redemption value for two empty Budweiser cans

Key 1990 stat: 365 hangovers

Putting the "heat on" in Heaton: Neal Thompson - now Neal Heaton - was a young, quality pitcher with no vices before the 1990 season. That year, manager Jim Leyland introduced him to cigarettes and beer in an attempt to get the left-hander to blow off steam. This didn't turn out well. Thompson started drinking beer after beer after whisky after beer. In fact, what appears to be a mustache in the above card is in fact a round-the-mouth whisky stain. Thompson would show up drunk to games and would sneak Budweisers into the dugout. Teammates began calling him "Neal Heat-On," not because he threw fast but because he liked to "get a heat on." Thompson liked the moniker so much he changed his last name to "Heaton." Within a year, he was out of baseball, spending his days getting his heat on in Pittsburgh parking lots and his nights collecting the beer cans he had discarded.

Neal Heaton, 1991 Donruss

O.J. Simpson, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 50)

Name: O.J. Simpson
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: It's really been slashed
Key 1973 stat: Zero crimes committed
Pop quiz, '70s style:

What is the grooviest thing about this card?

A) O.J.'s shoulder pads made out of bricks
B) The border, which looks like it was stolen from the set of "The Price is Right" circa 1985
C) The lopsided centering cut, which really slaughters its value
D) O.J.'s afro-shaped helmet
E) The fact that Buffalo actually looks livable
F) All of the above

O.J. Simpson, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 50)

Al Oliver and Steve Rogers, 1983 Topps Team Leaders

Names: Al Oliver and Steve Rogers

Team: Montreal Expos

Positions: Outfield, pitcher

Value of card: $1 Canadian (duck)

Key 1982 stat: Combined .427 on-hair percentage

Time for The Matchup north of the border:

Round 1: Most ill-fitting hat (Winner: Oliver)

Round 2: Most first names in name (Winner: Oliver - by a letter)

Round 3: Closest resemblance to stereotypical Canadian (Winner: Rogers)

Round 4: Mustache length and style (Winner: Tie)

Round 5: Most hair, in pounds (Winner: Tie - 7.5 pounds each)

Round 6: Adam's apple concealment, aka turtleneck (Winner: Oliver)

Round 7: Neither French nor Canadian (Winner: Tie)

Round 8: Big, bright, sun-shiny attitude (Winner: Rogers)

Round 9: Big, bright, sun-shiny afro (Winner: Oliver)

Score: Oliver 4, Rogers 2, Ties 3

Synopsis: Oliver sneaks away with the victory after a gallant, hairy effort by Rogers. But, in the end, the three ties prove these teammates have more in common than playing for a forgotten team in a French-speaking city.

Al Oliver and Steve Rogers, 1983 Topps Team Leaders

Ozzie Smith, 1979 Topps

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One wiz
Key 1978 stat: Serious muttonchops
Overcoming adversity: Few people know that a freak tractor accident left Ozzie Smith unable to grow facial hair below the mouthline. Sure, he could cultivate a mean mustache and muttonchops that would make Hugh Jackman jealous, but Smith's baby-smooth lower jaw still drew taunts from teammates, opponents and fans. Things changed when the beardless wonder was traded to St. Louis. He met a mysterious white wizard who passed his powers on to Smith. These abilities included flying upside down and — lo and behold — growing hair where he never before could! Brimming with confidence and magic, Smith went on to win the World Series, as well as the 1982 National League MVB — Most Valuable Beard.

Ozzie Smith, 1979 Topps

Eddie Murray, 1984 Topps Purina Dog Chow Insert

Name: Eddie Murray
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: First base
Value of card: One plastic undershirt
Key 1983 stat: A monumental afro-muttonchop-mustache combo
Plot summary for Eddie Murray's Blaxploitation film, "The Black Bat": The slugger plays Murray Edwards, a baseball star who forces a trade to Baltimore after his brother is killed there. He quickly befriends the team's troubled bat boy, and attempts to take him under his wing, steering him clear of the streets. But the bat boy soon disappears, and Edwards despairs, feeling his influence was for naught. He eventually learns the bat boy was kidnapped, forced into pornography and later murdered. Edwards sets out to kill everyone directly involved, including a porn star, the Orioles' owner and even the Phillie Phanatic. Pam Grier also probably makes an appearance.

Eddie Murray, 1984 Topps Purina Dog Chow Insert

Tom Lasorda, 1988 Topps

Name: Tom Lasorda

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Positions: Usually sitting, usually eating, sometimes napping

Value of card: Voucher for 20 percent off early bird special at Lil' Tony's Mamma Mia Italian Restaurant

Key 1987 stats: 147 over par, 147 pounds overweight

Clearing up some rumors about Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda:

• Lasorda didn't touch himself on the field. He waited until he got in the golf cart.
• Lasorda wasn't fast and slim. He was Slim-Fast.
• Lasorda never snapped on a player. He only snapped belts.
• Lasorda didn't play games. He made them.
• Lasorda wasn't an Italian gangster. Who's askin' anyways, wise guy?
• Lasorda didn't have a lazy eye. As you can see, nothing about him was lazy.
• Lasorda didn't play golf. But, apparently, he had a stroke right before this photo was taken.

Tom Lasorda, 1988 Topps

Gregg Olson, 1991 Donruss MVP

Name: Gregg Olson

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Position: Closer

Value of card: Discarded trophy, Most Scrunched Face, Major League Baseball, 1991

Key 1990 stat: Eight candles on his birthday cake

Time for a pop quiz that would make One-Eyed Willie would proud:

Which "Goonies" character does Gregg Olson most resemble?

(A) "Mikey," Sean Astin

(B) "Mouth," Corey Feldman

(C) "Chunk," Jeff Cohen

(D) "Sloth," John Matuszak

(E) A little of all of the above

Gregg Olson, 1991 Donruss MVP

Tim Costo, 1994 Score Boys of Summer

Name: Tim Costo

Team: Cincinnati Reds

Position: Outfield, infield, you name it

Value of card: Worth its weight in fireplace ash

Key 1993 stat: 18 liters of sweat

This card is supposed to be hot. Ten reasons it's not:

10) Costo appears to be floating a few inches off the ground.

9) Score's series takes its name from a mediocre Don Henley song.

8) Even beginner Photoshop users would pan this use of the blur tool.

7) With Costo's looks, this card gets a chilly reception from the ladies.

6) Costo sticks out his tongue like Michael Jordan, but he's more "error" than "air."

5) The blur has nothing to do with summer; it's how most Reds fans see the game after a few pops.

4) Costo's pale skin proves he doesn't spend much time outside in the summer.

3) Parents may not be comfortable with the series' unintended homosexual vibe.

2) If you look at the card from the waist down it looks as if Costo is peeing down his legs.

1) Costo's career stats: .224 batting average, three home runs, 14 RBIs. Forever cold.

Tim Costo, 1994 Score Boys of Summer

Andre Reed, 1993 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 49)

Name: Andre Reed

Team: Buffalo Bills

Position: Wide receiver

Value of card: A buffalo nickel (counterfeit)

Key 1992 stat: 285 heaving piles of buffalo dung

Born to be a Buffalo Bills player: Andre Reed always had bison on his mind. That was because his brain was shaped like a buffalo. When he struggled in school at a young age, his mother took him to a doctor. X-rays showed the peculiar shape of his brain. His mother dismissed the shape until she found young Andre munching grass in the backyard. Then she saw an American Indian chasing young Andre around the neighborhood with a bow and arrow. Despite the problems, Andre's athletic skills flourished. He ran with the speed of a bison and hit things with the power of a herd. This led to success on the football field through high school, college and the pros, where the Buffalo Bills were smart enough to draft a player whose brain was built for the franchise. He excelled with Buffalo, until he lost his mind on the field.

Andre Reed, 1993 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 49)

Ozzie Virgil, 1986 Topps

Name: Ozzie Virgil
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One sheet of fake wood paneling
Key 1985 stat: 42,187 beers drank
Who is Ozzie Virgil?
He speaks seven languages — and that's just in one hour.
His charisma hits .323.
His beard has a spot reserved in Cooperstown.
He's seen the seven wonders of the world — including himself.
A pitcher once shook him off. Once.
He increases a home's value just by walking through the front door.
He hits from all five sides of the plate.
His small talk wins debates.
He never strikes out — he just has more important places to be.
He makes wild pitches even wilder.
He is ... the most interesting catcher in the world.

Ozzie Virgil, 1986 Topps

Luis Delos Santos and Jim Campbell, 1989 Fleer

Names: Luis Delos (not "de los," mind you) Santos, Jim Campbell

Team: Kansas City Royals

Positions: Infielder, relief pitcher, respectively

Value of card: 1 cent for each bust

Key 1988 stats: Between the two of them, none

It's time for a gutter-trash version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Nose size (Winner: Santos)

Round 2: Beer gut potential (Winner: Campbell)

Round 3: Biggest necklace knot (Winner: Santos)

Round 4: Mullet flair (Winner: Campbell)

Round 5: Rape stare (Winner: Santos)

Round 6: Mustache hygiene (Winner: Campbell)

Round 7: Hair juice accumulated, one day (Winner: Santos)

Score: Santos 4, Campbell 3

Synopsis: Back and forth, back and forth. So it was in this epic Matchup between two Royals prospects who seemed to be in a race to decide who could flame out the fastest. In the end, Santos and his cheap, tangled jewelry proved that jheri curl can upset an unkempt mullet at the drop of a hat.

Luis Delos Santos and Jim Campbell, 1989 Fleer

Sergio Valdez, 1990 Topps

Name: Sergio Valdez

Team: Atlanta Braves

Positions: Relief pitcher, troublemaker

Value of card: The change Sergio Valdez just stole from your pocket

Key 1989 stat: 982 mischievous acts

Time for another pop quiz:

Why does Sergio Valdez looks so mischievous?

(A) He stole his own eyebrows and attached them above his lip.

(B) He's not wearing a hat; he persuaded the Topps people to cover up his jheri curl.

(C) See those trees behind him? Yeah, he did it with them.

(D) He's responsible for the Valdez oil spill.

(E) All of the above.

Sergio Valdez, 1990 Topps

Dennis Eckersley, 1991 Studio

Name: Dennis Eckersley

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Closer

Value of card: Fifteen pounds of hair

Key 1990 stat: No expression

Dennis Eckersley's train of thought from 4:27 to 4:28 p.m., Feb. 17, 1991: "God, I hate Studio. It's bad enough they don't have any color film. Then they ask us ballplayers to do all these ridiculous things! Look, I'm not going to kiss a bat. I'm not going to laugh like an idiot. And I'm sure as hell not going to cup any balls. I'm just going to sit here with my arms crossed and look totally normal. (Pause) Ah crap, I forgot to wax my mullet!"

Dennis Eckersley, 1991 Studio

Ken Griffey Jr., 1990 Donruss Diamond King (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week, No. 7)

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One terrible drawing
Key 1989 stat: 17-inch neck
What makes this Diamond King so atrocious? It's an unfitting end to Atrocious Diamond Kings Week. Or is it? Sure, The Kid is one of the greatest players of all time, but when this approximate rendering of him was done, he had all of 127 games under his belt. How was that supposed to make grizzled veterans like Bryn Smith and Ed Whitson feel? And then there's the wonderful drawing on this card. Griffey's neck is bigger than his head, his hat appears to be orbiting around his hair, and the background looks like a Trapper Keeper jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and landed on the sun. So while Griffey may have in fact been a king of the diamond, this card is more like a Diamond Eunuch.

Ken Griffey Jr., 1990 Donruss Diamond King (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week, No. 7)

Chris Sabo, 1989 Donruss Diamond King (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week, No. 6)

Name: Chris Sabo
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Third base
Value of card: Three asterisks
Key 1988 stat: Thousands of kids dropped off at pool
Bodily function king: OK, we at the Bust remember Chris Sabo's ridiculous face windshield — heck, we've written about it a handful of times — but we don't remember him making the face he's got in the smaller drawing on this card. Apparently, Diamond King master artist Perez interpreted Sabo's look of on-field concentration as one of constipation. The poor guy looks like he's about to blow an O-ring at the hot corner.

Chris Sabo, 1989 Donruss Diamond King (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week, No. 6)

Johnny Ray, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week, No. 5)

Name: Johnny Ray
Team: California Angels
Position: Second base
Value of card: What's two times zero?
Key 1988 stat: Had a bunch of doubles, or something
What makes this Diamond King so atrocious? Remember Johnny Ray? Neither do we. The good folks at Donruss sure remembered him, though, as they made him a Diamond King twice. Once? OK, fine. But twice? What, was Tony Armas not available? Even the artist couldn't believe he had to draw this guy again, spilling his paint palette all over the background before getting started. Thankfully, Ray's saving Diamond King grace, as in real life, was his mustache. Look at the detail on that thing! If you look closely, you can even see a speck of snot caught in it off to the left.

Johnny Ray, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week, No. 5)

John Kruk, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: John Kruk
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The residue of 50 cheese steaks
Key 1993 stat: One mullet to rule them all
What makes this Diamond King so atrocious? By 1994, Diamond King artists were starting to get a little high-tech. Here we see a rendering of John Kruk utilizing thermal imaging. After waddling from the dugout to the plate, most of Mr. Kruk is orange or red, showing the excessive heat on his skin, particularly where his boiler and man-boobs have chafed against his jersey. The only cool patches are on his forehead, under the shade of his brim; on his neck, under the shade of his mullet; and along his throat, which has been cooled by the four brewskis he just chugged between innings.

John Kruk, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Ed Whitson, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: "Easy" Ed Whitson

Team: San Diego Padres

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Half a hit of acid to "breathe in" this card's background

Key 1989 stat: Who? Whitson? Can't find any key stats.

What makes this Diamond King so atrocious? Sure, the illustration is abysmal, especially Whitson's smaller-than-possible eyes, exaggerated wrinkles and curly kindergarten bangs. But what really puts this Diamond King in a D-league all its own is, simply, Whitson's inclusion as a Diamond King. Here's a guy who's best known for breaking Yankees manager Billy Martin's arm and two of his ribs, when Whitson was a Yankees starter. Was this brawl booze-fueled? For sure. Was Martin jealous of Whitson's unevenly weighted mustache? Maybe. Was Whitson so used to kicking ass on the field that it spilled into the hotel bar? No chance. A few choice career statistics: 126-123 record; 2,240 hits given up in 2,240 innings (wow); one pitching "angel" on his shoulder at all times, telling him, "You're the best, Ed, look to my drawn-in bulge for inspiration."

Ed Whitson, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Davey Lopes, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Davey Lopes

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Second base

Value of card: A king's ransom (if the king were broke)

Key 1985 stat: 537 slides

What makes this Diamond King so atrocious? Davey Lopes was a formidable base stealer into his old age, but that doesn't justify this terrible illustration. First, there's the giant grandma afghan draped behind Lopes' massive head. What was the artist, Perez, thinking? "Well, the Cubs colors are red, white and blue, so let's throw in a giant splotch of purple." Hideous choice, Perez. Then there's Lopes' wraparound mustache. It's so big, it frightened mini-Lopes, who had to slide beneath it. The rounded mullet is pretty good, too, because most people's hair cascades into a dull, perfectly formed oval. But let's re-examine mini-Lopes. Sure, he has a jawbone-to-jawbone mustache, but other than that, he doesn't much look like big-head Davey. Yo, Perez, maybe keep their hair colors the same? Just a thought. Oh, one more thing: Lopes didn't wear a white mouth guard; he had teeth.

Davey Lopes, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Bryn Smith, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Bryn Smith

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Let's just say it should be called a Cubic Zirconia King

Key 1989 stat: Zero other decent players on Expos

A fitting beginning to Atrocious Diamond Kings Week: What makes this Diamond King so atrocious? Where to begin. Let's start with the man himself. Who is Bryn Smith? No idea. Maybe he's Bryan Smith and Donruss, in the company's infinite wisdom, forgot a letter in his first name. He appears to be a pitcher - a really, really old pitcher. Start counting the wrinkles on his face and neck. One, two, three ... 613, 614, 615. OK, stop. Imagine how many there would be if that streetperson - or streetsweeper - beard wasn't covering three-quarters of his face. Well, at least the Expos' uniforms are attractive. Ummm. Let's move on. The shapes behind the mugshot illustration are works of art - if you're hallucinating after chewing 20-year-old baseball card gum. Does this card have any redeeming qualities? Well, no, but the paint splatter in the card's border is probably the closest thing.

Card and idea submitted by Greg Schindler

Bryn Smith, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Jerry Rice, 1990 Action Packed (Football, er, Sunday No. 50)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers(TM)
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: One bug-ridden box of Uncle Ben's
Key 1989 stat: Zero things seen
In the headlines: Blind receiver elected to Pro Football Hall of Fame
This quiz is totally trademarked:

What's going on here?

(A) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself to level the playing field.
(B) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself because his face is trademarked.
(C) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself to avoid the glare off Joe Montana's winning smile.
(D) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself for dirty, dirty reasons that can't be repeated here.
(E) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself because of all of the above.

Jerry Rice, 1990 Action Packed (Football, er, Sunday No. 50)

Pedro and Ramon Martinez, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Names: Pedro Martinez, Ramon Martinez
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Two sneers
Key 1991 stat: One corrugated fence installed
It's time for a second installment of Family Feud Matchup:

Round 1: Blue (Winner: Pedro)
Round 2: Ability to get the hell out of L.A. (Winner: Pedro)
Round 3: Sneer (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Ability to actually grow a mustache (Winner: Ramon)
Round 5: Ear width (Winner: Tied for Guinness World Record)
Round 6: Eventual relationships with somebody called "Big Papi" (Winner: Pedro)
Round 7: Eventual tacklings of a 70-year-old man (Winner: Pedro)
Round 8: Earliest knowledge of the weather (Winner: Ramon)

Final score: Pedro 4, Ramon 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Sure, Ramon got the height, but Pedro got the titles, including this familial edition of The Matchup.

Pedro and Ramon Martinez, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Brian Meyer, 1990 Donruss

Name: Brian Meyer

Team: Houston Astros

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 8 yards of collar

Key 1989 stat: An unknown number of trends set

Slave to fashion: Who can forget the summer of 1989, when little-used Astros reliever Brian Meyer set the world on fire with his fashion sense? Meyer played in only 12 games that season, giving him plenty of time with his sketchpad, designing the latest in men's sportswear and facial hair. Here we see his trademark oversize, three-stripe collar that was so large it could only be partially popped. The collar was eventually found to be a safety hazard because it reduced peripheral vision by 23 percent. Meyer is also rocking his handlebar mustache-side goatee combo, which, it was later learned, only came about because Meyer fell asleep while shaving.

Brian Meyer, 1990 Donruss

Rickey Henderson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Name: Rickey Henderson

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Outfield

Value of card: The dirt off his crotch

Key 1993 stat: Three fades a day

10 things Rickey Be Rickey did after this photo was taken, in order:

10) Tipped his cap to himself, in the third person, for literally stealing a base

9) Wiped the dirt off his uniform, focusing for 14 minutes below his belt and above his knees

8) Had the bat boy clean up his fade, which was out of place after sliding into second base

7) Proceeded to locker room, where he slipped base into a duffel bag

6) Got down into a base-stealing crouch and hustled to the shower

5) Slid head-first into his off-the-field clothes

4) Stole a teammate's necklace; stole another teammate's credit card; stole another teammate's wallet

3) Got a sign from the third-base coach and ran home

2) Spoke to himself between two bathroom mirrors, thereby inventing the fourth-person singular pronoun

1) Stole a few winks of sleep

Rickey Henderson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Kevin Bass, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Kevin Bass

Team: Houston Astros

Position: Outfield

Value of card: 18 pounds of ego

Key 1988 stat: C-plus in Sewing 101 at Austin Community College

Fun facts about Kevin Bass' wristband:

• The base material for the wristband is one used, unwashed athletic sock.
• The patch on the wristband is compiled of a drawing of Bass that was done by a blind elephant, Bass' signature in White-Out, and the word "Chasin," which may refer to records, titles or groupies. Or all three.
• The stitching holding the patch to the wristband is made of Bass' trimmed mustache hair, which had been braided together by children in a Houston-area sweatshop.
• Bass only took off the wristband to shower and when he was completing a successful night of "Chasin." And he didn't shower.
• The wristband is currently on display in Cooperstown. That's Cooperstown, Ark., where Bass' mother lives.
• Bass, for unknown reasons, agreed with the manufacturer that white face was the best option.

Kevin Bass, 1989 Upper Deck

Cecil Fielder and Mickey Tettleton, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Names: Cecil Fielder and Mickey Tettleton

Teams: Detroit Tigers, Motown Mashers Junkyard Inc.

Positions: Designated hitter, catcher; demolition specialists

Value of card: One rusted-out catalytic converter from a 1976 Buick Skyhawk

Key 1992 stat: 12 vehicles beat with baseball bats into 3-foot-by-3-foot squares, one hour

Taking it to Detroit for The Matchup:

Round 1: Bulge, belly bulge (Winner: Fielder)

Round 2: Eye black overuse (Winner: Tettleton)

Round 3: Double obnoxious armbands (Winner: Tie)

Round 4: Rape stare (Winner: Tettleton)

Round 5: Facial hair of a hobo (Winner: Fielder)

Round 6: Not-so-distant future actually working in a junkyard (Winner: Tie)

Round 7: Tiger-licious man boobs (Winner: Fielder)

Score: Fielder 3, Tettleton 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: It was gut-check time for these Detroit power hitters, and that could only mean one thing: Cecil Fielder and his 414 pounds of grrrrrrrr-th overcame Mickey Tettleton and his scary stare on the larger Tiger's way to eating his way out of baseball and becoming a sweat-stained wrecking yard worker.

Cecil Fielder and Mickey Tettleton, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Jose Canseco, 1990 Fleer League Standouts

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Seven Joses
Key 1989 stat: One earthquake survived
It's science: If you're viewing this card in standard 2-D, it may look like seven Jose Cansecos have been Photoshopped on top of each other, each slightly larger than the last. However, for just $19.95, you can see this card in glorious 3-D! In three dimensions, you'll be able to perceive the following features:

• The needle sticking out of Canseco's backside.
• Mark McGwire's disgust
• Baseball's dignity dying a slow, painful death.
• Bulge, bulge, bulge!
• The last time the A's were relevant.

Jose Canseco, 1990 Fleer League Standouts

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Upper Deck Ryan Express insert

Names: Nolan Ryan, Nolan Ryan, Nolan Ryan, Nolan Ryan and Nolan Ryan

Teams: California Angels, from left, Houston Astros, Texas Rangers, New York Mets

Position: Ace

Value of card: 5 Nolans x 0 demand = 0 cents

Key 1989 stat: Five players, a collective 276 years old

It's acrostic time:

Never met a bottle of hooch he didn't like.

Outside, he was a cowboy. Inside, he was a little boy.

Like many old men, he would rather spend time with his pets than his family.

Angels, Mets, Astros, Rangers, and, apparently, the Houston Texans.

No-hitters. The only time he'd accept the word "no."

Ridges and ridges of wrinkles.

Y'all don't mess with Texas, ya hear?

Another gaudy Upper Deck illustration of Nolan Ryan.

Never ... (hiccup) ... met aaaa (gulp) ... bottle of hooch ... (hiccup) ... wait, whatta ya lookin' at, partner?

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Upper Deck Ryan Express insert