Kimble Anders, 1994 Upper Deck Electric (Football Friday No. 54)

Name: Kimble Anders

Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Running back
Value of card: One power outage
Key 1993 stat: 62,701 bad clothing decisions
Ten things that would have been better for Kimble Anders to wear than a doo-rag with purple smiley faces on it:

10) A dress
9) Chain mail
8) A large elbow pad. Oh, wait.
7) SpongeBob boxers
6) That tie his mom wanted him to wear
5) A better stat line
4) His helmet. Duh.
3) A T-shirt reading "Holy crap, Joe Montana is my quarterback!"
2) Bling
1) A doo-rag with any other color of smiley faces on it

Kimble Anders, 1994 Upper Deck Electric (Football Friday No. 54)

Mike LaCoss, 1989 Topps

Name: Mike LaCoss

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 17 of the small circles left over after a mesh hat is made

Key 1988 stat: Two fingers, sucka

Clearing up some rumors about Mike LaCoss:

• LaCoss didn't always grip a ball like that. Sometimes, he gripped an opponent's short-and-curlies.
• LaCoss didn't only wear mesh. His underwear was made of your sister.
• LaCoss wasn't sunburned. He was red with rage because a fan looked at him.
• LaCoss wasn't showing off his fork ball. He was telling Will Clark what part of his mother's anatomy he most enjoyed.
• LaCoss didn't leave his heart in San Francisco. He left other players' hearts there.

Mike LaCoss, 1989 Topps

Ron Kittle, 1989 Topps

Name: Ron "Dynamite" Kittle

Team: Cleveland Indians

Position: Left field

Value of card: That steak in the freezer, half of it

Key 1988 stat: 52 "Vote for Pedro" T-shirts made

10 quotes from "Napolean Dynamite" slightly tweaked to correspond with Kittle's career (changes in bold):

10) "I spent my offseason in Alaska with my uncle hunting wolverines."

9) "Sorry I'm late. I just got done playing long toss with a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys."

8) "I took the second baseman to the mall to get some Glamour Shots for his birthday one year."

7) "Candy, you fat lard. Come get some dinner."

6) "It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a Tigers player mixed."

5) "You know, like nun-chuck skills, bow-hunting skills, sacrifice-bunting skills ..."

4) "What the flip was Sandy Alomar Jr. doing at the sand dunes?"

3) "I already get my mullet cut at the Cuttin' Corral."

2) "Do the San Diego Chickens have large talons?"

1) "I caught you a delicious bass after we played each other in that game the other night when I went 0-for-4."

Ron Kittle, 1989 Topps

Mike Greenwell, 1989 Donruss MVP

Name: Mike Greenwell

Team: Boston Red Sox

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Two sweat-soaked wristbands, half-off bin at Champs

Key 1988 stat: 131 hours with his chin on a shaft

Conversation between Donruss photographer and Mike Greenwell, March 20, 1989:

Donruss photographer: Hey, Mike. Good to meet you. I have a great idea for this M.V.P. card. OK, grab a bat. We're going to bring the baseball card game out of the closet and into the mainstream with this shot.

Greenwell: Um, OK. Should I put the bat against my shoulder?

DP: No. I'm looking for something more natural.

Greenwell: How about across my knees?

DP: That's not what I was picturing. Think about your personal life. C'mon, we've all heard the rumors.

Greenwell: Huh? Anyway ... you want me to pose like I'm in the batter's box?

DP: C'mon, man, everyone knows you've never been in a box.

Greenwell: What's that supposed to mean?

DP: Nothing, nothing. Try sitting on this bench. Get comfortable. Pretend you just got back from hours of shoe shopping, the quiche is in the oven and "Oprah" is on. OK ... go ...

Greenwell: I don't like quiche or "Oprah." Look, can we just take the shot?

DP: Yeah, you like taking the shot, don't ya, big guy?

Greenwell: What? Listen: You have 30 seconds to get the photo before I walk out of here.

DP: OK, OK. Calm down. I was just kidding. Now, grab the bat. Stand it up straight, erect. Yeah, like that. Perfect.

Greenwell: Take the picture.

DP: Sure. Just lower your chin a bit. Lower ... lower ... lower. Great. Now, open your mouth. Wider ... wider ...

Greenwell: I'm out of here.

(Greenwell storms out of the studio amid camera flashes.)

DP: (to himself) Why can't they all be like my darling Julio?

Mike Greenwell, 1989 Donruss MVP

Willie Ansley, 1989 Topps No. 1 Draft Pick

Name: Willie Ansley
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Bulldog poo
Key career stat: Zero major league games
Houston Astros scouting report on top draft pick Willie Ansley: "Claims to be Willie Mays-Hayes, but plays more like Wesley Snipes. ... Obsessed with bulldogs. High school mascot is the Tigers, but he went ahead and painted a portrait of a bulldog on the school's outfield fence. Not really sure what to make of this. ... Couldn't win a footrace with a fish. ... Struck out 100 times. From a tee. ... Best catch he made all year was taking Sheila Cutberth to prom. ... Could see him never reaching the bigs and being out of baseball in six years. Still, can't be any worse than Brian Meyer. ... Right?"

Willie Ansley, 1989 Topps No. 1 Draft Pick

Frank Thomas, 1992 MTV Rock 'n' Jock

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Jocks
Position: First baseman
Value of card: One unrolled cassette tape
Key 1991 stat: Zero Top 40 hits
Less jock, more rock: In 1991, Frank Thomas agreed to take part in the MTV series "Rock n' Jock." In case that sentence wasn't ridiculous enough for you, here are some of the stranger demands Thomas made before deciding to appear:

• No shirts could be tucked in. By anyone.
• Thomas got to spend an afternoon with Bell, Biv and Devoe, but at separate times.
• A hot dog cart had to be on the field at all times.
• Thomas got to wear a pair of Marky Mark's used gym shorts during the game.
• Flat tops for everyone.
• Thomas got to unveil his new, foppish throwing style.
• Lisa Kennedy had to agree to tuck a batting glove into Thomas' waistband.
• Any sports cards made from the event had to look like an episode of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."

Frank Thomas, 1992 MTV Rock 'n' Jock

Gene Nelson, 1992 Donruss

Name: Gene Nelson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: That haircut is priceless
Key 1991 stat: Lead team in bulge
Induction ceremony: Gene Nelson may have had an uninspiring major league career, but his physical attributes are uplifting, to say the least. The bulge, the mustache and, most of all, the mullet. This guy is a first-ballot inductee to the Baseball Card Bust Mullet Hall of Fame. Some of the more notable names he joins include:

• Fellow Athletic Dennis Eckersley, long considered the greatest mullet ever.
• Randy Johnson, whose fastball killed birds and mullet slayed the ladies.
• Roger McDowell, all-around scumbag.
• Bret Saberhagen, whose mullet long went unnoticed because he played in Kansas City.
• Jose Canseco*, who gets an asterisk because of his admitted mullet-enhancing drug use.

Gene Nelson, 1992 Donruss

Heath Shuler, 1994 Fleer Ultra First Rounders (Football Friday No. 53)

Name: Heath Shuler

Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One Tandy computer
Key 1993 stat: One CAD program learned
Three-dimensional failure:

What is the worst thing about this card?

A) The background, which looks like a shop class computer program I used in 1994.
B) The red aura around Shuler, which indicates his anger at being trapped in a hologram.
C) The bulge, which indicates Shuler's excitement at being trapped in a hologram.
D) The word "Redskins," which is much better hidden than Heath Shuler's hairless legs.

E) Heath Shuler.

F) All of the above, plus so much more.

Heath Shuler, 1994 Fleer Ultra First Rounders (Football Friday No. 53)

Ron Hassey, 1989 Topps

Name: Ron Hassey
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Duh.
Key 1988 stat: 42 IQ points
A change of pace for the Bust — some humor:

• Ron Hassey was so dumb, someone told him Christmas was around the corner and he went looking for it.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, when he got the steal sign, he grabbed the first baseman's glove.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, he tripped over a cordless phone.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, he stole a free sample.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, he shook off the pitcher.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, he thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, it took him two hours to watch "60 Minutes."
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, when he hit a home run, he actually ran home.

Ron Hassey, 1989 Topps

Albert Belle, 1993 Upper Deck Checklist

Name: Albert Belle

Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Designated hitter, outfield
Value of card: One letter of complaint
Key 1992 stat: Infinite anger
An emotional pop quiz:

Why is Albert Belle so mad?

A) He can't find his eye-black remover.
B) This bat wasn't corked nearly enough.
C) The cultural insensitivity going on behind him.
D) The continuous nonsense going on inside him.
E) He's allergic to feathers.
F) He's Albert Belle. He's ALWAYS mad.

Albert Belle, 1993 Upper Deck Checklist

Wally Joyner, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Wally, Chloe and Shadow, in no particular order

Team: The Milk Bone Dog Show

Position: Sitting on hay. Wait, what?

Value of card: Pile of throw-up after 20 minutes of grass eating (Joyner)

10 titles for this card:

10) "Two Canines and a Flea Bag"

9) "Wally Joyner - Unleashed"

8) "The Sweater of My Discontent"

7) "Wally's Own Westminster Kennel Club"

6) "Put 'Em Down, All Three of Them"

5) "Slacks, White Socks and Lots of Hair"

4) "Bow - Wow"

3) "Wally Loves Dem Bitches"

2) "Sweater Puppies"

1) "The Ticks of Wrath"

Wally Joyner, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Mike Piazza, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Piazza

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Position: Catcher

Value of card: It ain't worth squat

Key 1993 stat: One batting glove worn unnecessarily behind catcher's mitt, 162 games

It's time for a pop quiz behind the plate:

Why is Mike Piazza making his O-face?

(A) That baseball bat in the background just shot out his backside.

(B) Tommy Lasorda dropped his drawers.

(C) His mullet is weighing down the back of his head, causing his mouth to open.

(D) A teammate just hurled a 12-inch hoagie in his direction, and he's getting ready for it.

(E) He's accentuating his handlebars.

(F) All of the above.

Mike Piazza, 1994 Upper Deck

Brian McRae, 1992 Donruss

Name: Brian McRae

Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two left feet
Key 1991 stat: One broken ankle

Clearing up some rumors about Brian McRae:

• McRae did not have walk-up music for his at-bats. He had dance-up music.
• McRae did not take bp, or batting practice. He took b-boy practice.
• McRae's favorite dance is, in fact, the batusi.
• McRae did not pop out. He pop-and-locked.
• McRae will not be appearing on "Dancing With The Stars." He is not a star.

Brian McRae, 1992 Donruss

Robin Yount, 1993 Pinnacle Now & Then

Name: Robin Yount

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Center field, shortstop

Value of card: Two 12 packs of Milwaukee's Best

Key 1992 stat: Two 12 packs of Milwaukee's Best, consumed before photo shoot

The Matchup gets a little tipsy in Milwaukee:

Round 1: Flowing locks (Winner: Young Robin)

Round 2: Hollow, dead eyes (Winner: Tie)

Round 3: Larry Bird resemblance (Winner: Young Robin)

Round 4: Unkempt facial hair (Winner: Tie)

Round 5: Depth of wrinkles (Winner: Old Robin)

Round 6: Woman's name, or that of a superhero sidekick (Winner: Tie)

Round 7: Chicken neck (Winner: Tie)

Round 8: Elf ears (Winner: Old Robin)

Round 9: Lip hair (Winner: Young Robin)

Score: Young Robin 3, Old Robin 2, Ties 4

Synopsis: There were more ties than wins for either competitor, which seems fitting considering Yount looked just as old in 1974 as in 1992. In the end, though, Young Robin takes home the Bust trophy thanks to his amateur, disheveled lip blanket.

Robin Yount, 1993 Pinnacle Now & Then

Bruce Smith, 1994 Pinnacle (Football Friday No. 52)

Name: Bruce Smith

Team: Buffalo Bills

Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 12 ounces of ice, melted, poured down a drain
Key 1993 stat: 1,862 driveways shoveled
Time for an ice-cold pop quiz:

How cold was Bruce Smith when this photo was taken?

(A) His eyes had frozen solid and fallen out of their sockets.

(B) He invented the full-body turtleneck to deal with the weather.
(C) He wasn't cold. He was in the midst of a bitchin' coke party.
(D) The snow froze the "Riddell" logo off the front of his helmet.
(E) When he got home, he climbed inside the carcass of a buffalo.
(F) We're scared. You ask him.
(G) All of the above.

Bruce Smith, 1994 Pinnacle (Football Friday No. 52)

Dwight Gooden, 1987 Topps All-Star

Name: Dwight Gooden

Team: New York Mets

Position: Ace

Value of card: 2 grams

Key 1986 stat: Five rails blown, seventh-inning stretch

It's acrostic time:

Did drugs only during his waking hours.

White powder was in more than the rosin bag.

In the dugout, working on a ruthless hangover.

Gambled with his talent, and lost.

Haircut? Who needs one.

Taking a gummer when this photo was taken.

Good at baseball, bad at staying sober during baseball games.

Old age started early, about age 21 (above).

Officers were familiar with the Doctor.

Dr. K - for Kokaine

Even Darryl Strawberry couldn't keep up with Gooden after midnight.

Never met a bottle he didn't drink.

Dwight Gooden, 1987 Topps All-Star

Eric Davis, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Eric Davis

Team: Cincinnati Reds

Positions: Outfield, outer space

Value of card: 3 space bucks

Key 1990 stat: .295 pha (planet hitting average)

10 titles for this intergalactic abomination of a card:

10) "Cincinnati: The Final Frontier"

9) "The Big Dipper of Chew"

8) "Eric the Red Giant"

7) "(Insert Uranus joke here)"

6) "Cocaine in a Night's Sky"

5) "Easy Out in Outer Space"

4) "Constellation: Wristband Major"

3) "Black A-Hole"

2) "A Galaxy of Bad Art"

1) "Bulge in Space"

Eric Davis, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Ed Mathews, 1962 Topps

Name: Ed "Eddie" Mathews
Team: Milwaukee Braves
Position: Third base
Value of card: One packing slip
Key 1961 stat: Zero times looking at the camera
Old-timey fun-timey pop quiz timey:

Why did the Braves franchise spend only 13 years in Milwaukee?

A) The Wisconsin Dells weren't that great, it turned out
B) Lactose intolerance
C) Sausage intolerance
D) Milwaukee intolerance
E) All of the above

Ed Mathews, 1962 Topps

Barry Bonds, 1993 Upper Deck Award Winners

Name: Barry Bonds

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Left field

Value of card: Seven identical Cracker Jack prize cross earrings

Key 1992 stat: Zero steroids injections - swear to god; no, seriously; on my mother's grave; cross my heart; I take the Fifth

10 other awards Barry Bonds won in 1992:

10) Straightest Mustache, Major League Baseball

9) M.V.P.P.: Most Valuable Pompous Prick

8) Largest Man with Woman's Eyes (three years running)

7) Mr. T Style Award

6) Nonreligious Cross Bearer of the Decade

5) Mediocre Sports Card Blog Player of the Week

4) Most Likely to Have Head Double in Size

3) Nobel Prize in Douchebaggery

2) Lamest Use of Earlobe, Otolaryngology (Ear, Nose and Throat Doctors) Association

1) Tommy Bahama Salesman of the Year

Barry Bonds, 1993 Upper Deck Award Winners

Mike Singletary, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 7)

Name: Mike Singletary

Team: Chicago Bears

Positions: Middle linebacker, among the flames

Value of card: Dollar bill, burned to ash

Key 1990 stat: Third-degree burns

Nothing cold about him: Mike Singletary had a steely stare and a fire burning inside. He fanned the flames of the vaunted Bears defense - when he was hot, so was the team. The middle linebacker attacked quarterbacks with a blaze of speed and devoured running backs at every turn. He was the spark the team needed and turned up the heat on the opposition. But if opponents really wanted to ignite his anger, they did one thing: They called him a flamer.

Mike Singletary, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 7)

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Skybox (NFL Kickoff Week No. 6)

Name: Thurman Thomas

Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running Back
Value of card: One oil fire
Key 1991 stat: No jewelry
Tagline for the world's worst movie, "The Thurmanator": In the Year of Darkness, 2029, the rulers of Buffalo devised the ultimate plan. They would reshape the future by changing the past. The plan required something that would never fumble, stumble or miss a chip block. Something that could score from anywhere on the field. Something that, for once, would bring a Super Bowl title to Buffalo. Of course, that isn't really possible, so instead they created The Thurmanator, bringer of AFC championships and loser of helmets at crucial moments.

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Skybox (NFL Kickoff Week No. 6)

Dennis Smith, 1991 Score Crunch Crew (NFL Kickoff Week No. 5)

Name: Dennis Smith
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Boom-boom
Key 1991 stat: One random lower-case 'r' in CrUNCH CREW
Just call him JaMarcus: Dennis Smith hit people hard. He was a physical specimen at the linebacker position, and was an easy selection for a spot on the CrUNCH CREW. Thus began the end of his career. You see, teammate Sammy Winder presented Smith with a Nestle Crunch bar in honor of the accomplishment. Smith had never tasted the crispy, chocolaty treat before. But once he tore off the confection's foil wrapper and sank his teeth into the goodness underneath, something in him changed. He was insatiable. He sat at home for weeks at a time, cases of Crunch bars surrounding him, little balls of foil littering the floor, his hands slathered in melted chocolate and little bits of puffed rice. In 1992, by the time training camp rolled around, Smith could also roll around. He weighed 461 pounds, and never put on a helmet again.

Dennis Smith, 1991 Score Crunch Crew (NFL Kickoff Week No. 5)

Randall McDaniel, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (NFL Kickoff Week No. 4)

Name: Randall McDaniel

Team: Minnesota Vikings
Position: Left guard
Value of card: A growth spurt
Key 1993 stat: One size fits all

It's halftime for NFL Kickoff Week. Here's a pop quiz:

What is Randall McDaniel's hat size?

A) XL (That's Roman numerals for 40, not extra large)
B) 2. As in, it would take 2 hats to cover that massive noggin.
C) Five gallons
D) Whatever Mr. McDaniel says it is

Randall McDaniel, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (NFL Kickoff Week No. 4)

Jennifer Montana, 1991 Pro Line Spirit (NFL Kickoff Week No. 3)

Name: Jennifer Montana
Team: Um, Team Montana?
Positions: Wife, pressed against wall
Value of card: One prenuptial agreement
Key 1990 stat: 31 pairs of Mom jeans purchased
Sexy times at the Montana homestead: Before the advent of the Internet, sex tapes and naughty photos were relegated to the likes of adult magazines and the occasional pay-per-view special. But when the cardmakers at Pro Line got their hands on some scandalous images of Jennifer Montana, they decided to branch out beyond tacky football cards. Here we see one of these photos: Mrs. Montana is pressing herself against a wall, hips cocked. Her round, full buttocks almost make her Mom jeans look tight; her jacket dangles enough fringe to clothe a small African nation. It's doubtful she's wearing much underneath that leather, elastic-cuffed coat, but she makes it clear she won't take off her $18,000 wedding ring — at least, not yet. How lucky Joe must be to run his fingers through that blond hair and those brown roots. Sexpot, thy name is Jennifer.

Jennifer Montana, 1991 Pro Line Spirit (NFL Kickoff Week No. 3)

Ricky Watters, 1993 Pro Line Portraits (NFL Kickoff Week No. 2)

Name: Ricky Watters
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Positions: Running back, architect
Value of card: One broken T-square
Key 1992 stat: 22 erections (of buildings)
Drawing up a career: At age 17, Ricky Watters was the most highly recruited architecture prospect in the nation, and colleges were clamoring for his services. He kept drawing up plans and erecting structures, ignoring the advances of professors and university presidents. Then University of Notre Dame football coach Lou Holtz came calling, with a look of love in his eyes. He promised Watters a chance to learn architecture, play football and design a new Notre Dame landmark, to go along with Touchdown Jesus and the Golden Dome. Watters didn't want to play football, but he admired the iconic structures on the Notre Dame campus, and agreed to Holtz's plan. He grabbed his T-square and blueprints and headed to South Bend. Sadly, his architecture career never took off like his football career, with Watters' only major structural accomplishments after joining the 49ers being his perfectly sculpted flat top and jacket-and-bare midriff fashion statement.

Ricky Watters, 1993 Pro Line Portraits (NFL Kickoff Week No. 2)

Joe Montana, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 16 crumbled-up blueprints
Key 1990 stat: Six haircuts a week
The blueprint: Joe Montana was the prototypical quarterback in the 1980s and 1990s. As the artist demonstrated in the above illustration, Montana had the intelligence, arm strength, heart and mobility to define the position. But Fleer forgot to include a few of Montana's most important attributes, which helped make him the best quarterback of his era, and, arguably, of all time. Picture these drawings on the blueprint behind Montana, with arrows pointing to the appropriate places:
Coif: Montana's perfectly groomed hair stood out among football players, as well as male models and Hollywood actors. His golden locks were the color of his helmet, yet as soft as a Pomeranian's underbelly.
Cleft chin: Montana oozed machismo, and his indented chin only added to the mystique of a man's man, a leader of warriors, the Spartacus of San Francisco.
Eight-pack: Few knew of Montana's legendary abs. Most toned athletes sport a six-pack, but Montana took his stomach to the next level, actually growing additional muscles in his abdomen. Coincidentally, when Montana went on a beer run, he always came back with a few eight-packs.
Soft hands: "Joe Cool" may have been manly, but his hands were as soft as milkmaid's. His secret: hourly liberal applications of Bengay.
Bulge: C'mon, when an artist makes your junk look like a sumo wrestler's face, you know you're packin'.

Joe Montana, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 1)

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score All Star

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 ounces of eraser rubbings
Key 1990 stat: 169-pound head, 4-pound brain
Here we go again: We've seen this before. An illustrated card on which the player is given a giant head. How original. One bright spot: This card reminded us here at the Bust of "NBA Jam," particularly the big-head code. So, rather than spend another second on this ridiculous card, here are our 10 favorite sports video game Easter eggs.

10) "NBA 2K3": Kobe Bryant rape trial minigame
9) "Winning 11 7": Zinedine Zidane headbutt maneuver
8) "Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11": "Bar Wench Conqueror" trophy
7) "Madden NFL '94": Picture of O.J. Simpson pops up every time you choose a jailbreak blitz
6) "Wii Sports" tennis game: Nude code for all Miis
5) "Tecmo Super Bowl": Bill Romanowski 'roid rage mode
4) "NHL 2002": Hockey could be played in Phoenix. Like that would ever happen.
3) "Big Bass Fishing": Go off course and "Dueling Banjos" would start playing
2) "Tecmo NBA Basketball": Michael Jordan gambling suspension mode
1) "MLB 2001": Barry Bonds big head mode. Oh, wait, they were just modeling it on real life.

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score All Star

Moose Stubing, 1989 Topps

Name: Lawrence "Moose" Stubing
Team: California Angels
Position: Manager
Value of card: One lost tooth
Key 1988 stat: Zero wins
The amazing true story of Moose Stubing: At the age of 32, Gulf Coast roughneck Moose Stubing was diagnosed with a rare face cancer that made him appear to be twice his age, faded all color from his eyes and separated his massive teeth. Forced to leave his oil drilling job, Stubing became a substitute high school shop teacher in Anaheim, Calif. Here, he taught a grandson of doddering California Angels owner Gene Autry, who, when told about the teacher, mistakenly assumed he was Capt. Merrill Stubing from "The Love Boat." A fan of the comic TV series, Autry immediately fired Angels manager Cookie Rojas and placed Stubing at the helm. Stubing — who was baffled when Autry demanded to meet someone named Charo — didn't know baseball but immediately began teaching the players how to carve their own bats. And while the team didn't win a game the rest of the season, its stars came away with a sense of self-sufficiency and pride — and several thousand splinters.
The real amazing true story of Moose Stubing: OK, so Stubing was never a roughneck and didn't have cancer. But he did make five pinch-hit appearances for the Angels in 1967, going 0-for-5, and manage the last eight games of their 1988 season, going 0-and-8. That makes him to only person to play and manage at the big league level without recording a hit or a win. Huzzah!

Moose Stubing, 1989 Topps

Chester McGlockton, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Football Friday No. 51)

Name: Chester McGlockton, aka Renegade Raider

Teams: Los Angeles Raiders, The Black Hole

Position: Defensive tackle, superfan

Value of card: One foil ball, unbunched and used for a football card border

Key 1993 stat: 7 pounds of costume glitter

The Raiders find a leader: Whether in Oakland or Los Angeles, the Raiders have been known for their air-it-out offense, overbearing owner, hard-nosed history, and rabid fan base. The essence of the fan base has for decades been The Black Hole, a collection of crazy, costumed fans wearing Darth Vader masks, spiked shoulder pads and gallon upon gallon of silver and black face paint. Year after year, the Raiders intimidated on the field and The Black Hole intimidated in the stands. But the two never became one, until coach Art Shell looked into the crowd and saw a huge man wearing a comforter covered in glitter and a plastic skull hat with pigtails attached to the sides. Shell signed McGlockton not as a publicity stunt, but as a starting defensive tackle. McGlockton stepped up and played well, proving that someone who can intimidate in the stands can intimidate on the field - as long as they're wearing Pippi Longstocking's corpse's skull.

Chester McGlockton, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Football Friday No. 51)

Reggie Jackson, 1984 Donruss

Name: Reggie Jackson
Team: California Angels
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: One torn 1977 calendar
Key 1983 stat: 1,006 face wrinkles
The straw that stirs the mustache: Reggie Jackson earned his most famous nickname, Mr. October, for his World Series heroics, but here are 10 other, lesser-known nicknames for the slugger:

10) Mr. Potato Head
9) Four-Eyes
8) That Guy Who Hits the Home Runs
7) Candy
6) Commander Awesome
5) The Death of Billy Martin
4) The Honey Badger
3) Nancy
2) Squeeze Play
1) The Monster of Mesh

Reggie Jackson, 1984 Donruss