Jose Canseco, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 39)

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 5 ounces of scum
Key 1990 stat: One intolerable smirk
Photographer's train of thought while taking shots of Jose Canseco, 1:30 to 1:31 p.m., April 1, 1991: "Get a load of this guy. Yeah, OK, buddy, I get it. You won the World Series so you don't need to do something funny, right? No provocative poses, no props — just you, your mullet and your wristband. Fine. (pauses) Wait, what's that smell? Oh Christ, it smells like raw pork and Chef Boyardee. Wait, was that ... was that him? Did he just go silent but violent on me? That smirk! Oh, you son of a ..."

Jose Canseco, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 39)

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Upper Deck team checklist (Football Friday No. 106)

Name: L.T.
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 56 cents, maybe
Key 1990 stat: Two letters — just two
Time for an initial pop quiz:

What does the huge "L.T." on this card stand for besides Lawrence Taylor?

(A) Lotsa Testosterone
(B) Likes to Tango (see illustration on left)
(C) Lost Temper
(D) Liquor Trouble
(E) Later, Theismann
(F) All of the above

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Upper Deck team checklist (Football Friday No. 106)

Kevin Bass, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Kevin Bass
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2.5 pounds of rotting striped bass
Key 1991 stat: 14 instances of a form of cannibalism: Bass eating bass
Kevin Bass' train of thought from 3:17 to 3:18 p.m. July 16, 1991: "OK, OK, OK. How can I get her attention? She is so hot, right there in the third row. I see you baby, looking all fine. She's looking this way but I need to make her notice me. Then, I can pass her my number. Wait, that's it. I'll try to steal third base even though I'm slow and I'll perform the spread-eagle bulge slide. That's sure to get her attention. OK, on three. One, two, go! Oh, man. I'm going to be out by a mile. Oh, well. Got to nail this slide, and here we go. Legs spread. Arm back. Bulge up. Achoo! Achoo! Oh, man, I have dirt in my nose. Achoo! I must look ridiculous with my 3-pound batting glove up to my face. Achoo! Oh, man, the snot from my sneeze is making my eye black run. Achoo! Achoo! He tagged me. My batting glove, wristband and face are covered in snot. And, that hot babe is leaving. Gross; she just gagged when she looked over here. Spread-eagle bulge slide, why hath thou forsaken me?"

Kevin Bass, 1992 Upper Deck

Victor Madrigal, 1991 Classic Best

Name: Victor Madrigal
Team: Gastonia (Gastonia?) Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two shots of warm Captain Morgan rum
Key 1990 stat: Two shots of warm Captain Morgan rum, regurgitated
Rangers' scouting report on pitching prospect Victor Madrigal: "This guy is throwing in Gastonia. Wait, Gastonia? Where the hell is Gastonia? ... Madrigal has been included in the Classic Best set. Well, "best" is subjective, obviously. ... First name is 'Victor'; pitches like 'Victoria.' ... If he can throw faster than 75 miles per hour with those sleeves' drag on his arm speed, we need to get this guy in the big show in a real uniform. ... He's pitching in the SAL league, according to the patch on his arm. In the SAL, the competition consists of a bunch of fat guys with mustaches who wear wifebeaters on the field and eat subs. Yes, they're all named 'Sal.' ... With this guy's skill set, if we bring him up to the big leagues we can expect the same kind of attendance as we're looking at here."

Victor Madrigal, 1991 Classic Best

Britt Burns, 1982 Topps

Name: Britt Burns
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 acres of lapel
Key 1981 stat: Zero hygiene
Top 10 offensive things about this card:

10) Mixing a giant felt collar with a mesh jersey
9) The scruff on Burns' face
8) The fact that we're supposed to believe his name was "Britt Burns"
7) Britt's 'burns. Sideburns, that is.
6) Green and purple on a White Sox card
5) That open-mouth gaze
4) The effeminate autograph
3) The plunging neckline
2) The popped blood vessels on his nose and cheeks. Have another one, you lush.
1) Two words: Neck pimples

Britt Burns, 1982 Topps

Ryan Klesko, 2002 Fleer Ultra

Name: Ryan Klesko
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The only real value is in the afterlife
Key 2001 stat: 2,275 hours praying
The predecessor to a phenomenon: The Bust usually stays away from topical subjects — partly because it's cheap and easy; mostly because we're not hip enough to keep up with trends. But we made an exception when we unearthed this card. Today, Tim Tebow and his "Tebowing" have caught the world by storm. In 2002, Ryan Klesko was "Kleskoing," giving himself up to God before the most important times on the field and off. Bracing himself on bended knee, Klesko bowed his head to the Lord, thanked him for his gifts and asked him for more help in the important moments to come. Though he never put fist to chin in the manner of Tebow, he did close his eyes behind his bright-orange Oakley Blades and whisper prayers in on-deck circles across America. So the next time you see Tebow expressing his faith in a crouch in front of millions of TV viewers, think about where the Denver Broncos quarterback learned his now-famous move, and get on your knees and start "Kleskoing."

Ryan Klesko, 2002 Fleer Ultra

Michael Jordan, 1991-92 Fleer Pro-Visions (Air Jordan Week No. 7)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: $19.99 gift certificate to name a star after that special someone
Key 1990-91 stat: Zero legs
We sat down with Michael Jordan and asked him questions about space; here are his answers:

Michael, good to have you here. First question: What is the Milky Way made of?

Ask your sister.

OK, No. 2: What's your favorite planet?

It's certainly not Uranus. Wash down there.

Well, that's uncalled for. We'll move on. Can you explain the big-bang theory?

Yes.

Well? Can you elaborate?

The big bang? Ask your sister. And I thought about your second question. The answer: Heranus.

Listen, Mike, you're being pretty rude. We're big fans. You sure you want to act like this?

Yes. But let me explain interstellar space. Interstellar space is the physical space within a galaxy not occupied by stars or their planetary systems. The interstellar medium resides — by definition — in interstellar space.

Wow, Mike. That's really insightful. Anything else you'd like to add?

There's no air in space.

Huh-huh. But we've seen you in space, Air. Huh-huh.

No, there's no air in space. But Air's in your sister.

That's it. Interview over.

Michael Jordan, 1991-92 Fleer Pro-Visions (Air Jordan Week No. 7)

Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (Air Jordan Week No. 6)

Names: Michael Jordan, Larry Bird
Teams: Chicago Bulls, Boston Celtics
Positions: Shooting guard, small forward
Value of card: 33 / 23 = 1.43 cents
10 other names for the duo of "Birdman and Agent 23":
10) The Skintight Superheroes
9) N.B.A. (Never Been Art)
8) Spewer of Purple Goo and Dr. No Feet
7) The Not-So Fantastic Two
6) Air Beneath His Wings
5) Blonde and Bald Connection
4) The Ball Handlers
3) The Dynamic Bulges
2) The Ambiguously Drawn Duo
1) Ebony and Ivory

Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (Air Jordan Week No. 6)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Fleer Slam Dunk (Air Jordan Week No. 5)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Positions: Shooting guard, on Patrick Ewing's back
Value of card: Two tokens for piggyback rides at the county fair
Key 1991-92 stat: 76 times dominating Patrick Ewing
Michael Jordan's train of thought, 7:45 to 7:46 p.m. Feb. 18, 1993: "OK, dribbling down the court, past Mark Jackson, past John Starks. Oh, Ewing's in the way. Well, I'm just going to have to jump over that huge mountain of man. Here it goes. Oh, gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! So. Much. Sweat. My shorts are sopping wet. I feel like I'm pressed up against a manatee. Oh, lord. Now I'm stuck. Ewing's sweat is binding me to his back. My mesh shorts and his mesh jersey are becoming one. I feel his sweat inundating my pores. Now I'm sweating. This is so disgusting. Focus, Air, focus. I still have to score. OK, big boy, walk me down toward the hoop. That's the way, Ewing. And, dunk. Score. The sweatiest, stinkiest two points of my career. Now to burn my shorts."

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Fleer Slam Dunk (Air Jordan Week No. 5)

Michael Jordan, 1995 Upper Deck Electric Diamond (Air Jordan Week No. 4)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: In cents, 1/40th of what Harry Caray's glasses weigh in pounds
Key 1995 stat: Still serving gambling suspension retired
Transcript from Harry Caray's interview of Michael Jordan: 
Harry Caray: "Hey! We're talking to Michael Jordan, former basketball king of Chicago. Michael, tell me, that's a heck of a turtleneck you've got on. Where did you get it?"
Michael Jordan: "Uh, well, the team just provided it for me ..."
HC: "How about that! An authentic Cubs turtleneck! Michael, how do you feel about the Cubs' chances this year?"
MJ: "Harry, I'm playing for the White Sox. Come on, we went over this."
HC: "Ha! Well, that would explain why I'm wearing all this black. And here I thought I was at President Truman's funeral!"
MJ: "But Truman's been dead for years ..."
HC: "Hey, Michael! What's the most hot dogs you've eaten in a single sitting? I once ate 14, myself. I was so sick that night, I slept on the bathroom floor in a woman's robe. That's why my friends call me Frankfurter."
MJ: (Stares slack-jawed in disbelief)
HC: "Well, that's all the time we have for today. Tune in next week when I'll challenge Frank Thomas to a bout of Greco-Roman wrestling. Cubs win! Cubs win!"

Michael Jordan, 1995 Upper Deck Electric Diamond (Air Jordan Week No. 4)

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Air Jordan Week No. 3)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Graffiti would help its value
Key 1990-91 stat: Shirt half tucked in
A question for His Airness: What's the most popular feature of "Michael Jordan's Playground"?

A) The dirty, apparently bullet-pocked backboard
B) The graffiti wall, which was later used in a "Cosby Show" intro
C) The camera guy in a pink shirt, who got beat up more than the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
D) Jordan himself, who would play 8-year-olds one-on-one at full speed, crushing their souls like peanut shells
E) All of the above

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Air Jordan Week No. 3)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Upper Deck Game Faces (Air Jordan Week No. 2)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Bull excrement
Key 1992-93 stat: Was very excited to score two more points
Random thoughts from fans in the background:

• Guy in red sweater, right third of card, about five rows from bottom: "Great, there he goes again. He's just too fast! I mean, you take your eyes off him for just a second and he's gone. Stupid popcorn guy — slow down already!"
• Woman in yellow top, about four rows above guy in red sweater: "Yes! Here comes the popcorn guy!"
• Guy in red coat, very left of card, about knee-level with Jordan: "Wait, wait. Who wears a red blazer to a basketball game? Who am I, Craig Sager?"
• Guy in bottom left of card. You'll know him when you see him: "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Upper Deck Game Faces (Air Jordan Week No. 2)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Skybox SkyMasters (Air Jordan Week No. 1)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Yellow
Key 1992-93 stat: One Photoshop lesson
Welcome to Jordan Week: In honor of the NBA finally getting its rhymes-with-wit together and starting a season this Sunday, we present a week full of mistakes basketball cards featuring the best hoops player of all time, His Airness, Michael Jordan. We've been trying to be like Mike since grade school, but have only succeeded so far in sticking our tongues out and losing a lot of money by gambling.
A handful of titles for this, um, artistic card:

• It's Always a Sunny Basketball in Chicago
• Ferris Bueller's Day of Getting Dunked On
• Chicago Dope
• The Bulls Brother
• MJ's O Face
• The Armpit That Ate Chicago

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Skybox SkyMasters (Air Jordan Week No. 1)

Sammy Stewart, 1988 Donruss

Name: Sammy Stewart
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 cent for every cavity
Key 1987 stat: Two tickets to paradise
It's time for a self-reflective pop quiz:

Hey, Sammy, why are you so happy?

(A) "Gee, I just got back from the barber and I love my matching unibrow and mustache."
(B) "I'm trying to look like the Indians' racially insensitive mascot. Thanks for asking, though."
(C) "You won't believe how much fried chicken I just ate. Yum, there's still some in my teeth."
(D) "I'm unaware of the tragic, disgusting turn my life will take in about two years! Yeah!"
(E) "With a name like 'Sammy Stewart,' you just gots to smile!"
(F) All of the above.

Sammy Stewart, 1988 Donruss

Eric Anthony, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 38)

Name: Eric Anthony
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Whatevah
Key 1990 stat: Half a crap given
Key question: What does Eric Anthony care about?

A) Nada
B) Whatever
C) Why so serious?
D) Nonchalance
E) Trying really hard to look cool

Eric Anthony, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 38)

Barry Sanders and Christian Okoye, 1990 Topps Rushing Leaders (Football Friday No. 105)

Names: Barry Sanders, Christian Okoye
Teams: Detroit Lions, Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Running backs
Value of card: 14 rotten eggs, smashed on your head while you sleep
Key 1989 stats: About 14,000 rushing yards (each)
It's time for a fast and powerful version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Unbelievable maneuverability (Winner: Sanders)
Round 2: Unstoppable power (Winner: Okoye)
Round 3: Thunder (Winner: Okoye)
Round 4: Lightning (Winner: Sanders)
Round 5: Doubting look (Winner: Sanders)
Round 6: Doubted facial hair (Winner: Okoye)
Round 7: Better nickname (Winner: Okoye)

Score: Okoye 4, Sanders 3

Synopsis: It was a memorable Matchup between two legendary running backs, but, this time, the Nigerian Nightmare bests the Hall of Famer, with a little help from "Tecmo Bowl" and a lot of help from a nickname.

Barry Sanders and Christian Okoye, 1990 Topps Rushing Leaders (Football Friday No. 105)

Carlos Garcia, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Name: Carlos Garcia
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Infielder
Value of card: Spare parts
Key 1990 stat: 1,822,091 grunts
Monster masher: Coming off a division title, the Pittsburgh Pirates were flush with talent, but low on cash to sign new players. Rather than taking a gamble on youngsters or signing guys off the scrap heap, the team turned to a mad scientist to replenish their farm system. The scientist wasn't averse to a little grave robbing, and soon had stolen Ty Cobb's legs, Lou Gehrig's arms, Babe Ruth's breadbasket, and the head of a farmer named Carlos Garcia. With a few stitches and a little electricity, the Pirates soon had a new infielder — who had slightly better range than Miguel Tejada did this past season. Garcia hit .260, but could only communicate through long, loud grunts and carried an awful stench about him. Garcia was banned from baseball after ripping the arms off an umpire in 1994.

Carlos Garcia, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Will Clark 1988 Big League Stars

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: It's not worth the mesh it's printed on
Key 1987 stat: Zero people in stadium at time this photo was taken
Let's take a look at this Will Clark card, by the numbers:

2,500: Copies of this card originally printed in Reggie Fleckman's garage in 1988
1,250: Copies thrown in garbage by card shop owners upon arrival to stores
650: Copies that contained printing errors, such as the white specks and arm hair above
225: Copies that disintegrated when exposed to the sun in 1990
130: Copies that wound up in MLB lawyers' hands for evidence in copyright infringement cases
75: Copies hoarded by Jimmy Hulme, 12, before the ink gave him cancer and he threw them away
20: Copies found in Soviet Russia in 1991; they were later used to heat a stove for Vladimir's gruel
10: Copies in circulation in 2010, before The Bust acquired them all
1: Copies left in the world after the schmoes behind The Bust ripped up nine of them
0: Monetary value of the last copy of this card in the world — even in Soviet Russia

Will Clark 1988 Big League Stars

Robin Ventura, 1989 Topps

Name: Robin Ventura
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Oklahoma State Cowboys
Position: Third base
Value of card: A pile of dirt from the dinner plate of a poor child in Oklahoma
Key 1988 stat: 12 people blinded by jersey's orange
White Sox front office's scouting report on No. 1 draft pick Robin Ventura: "Says here the name is 'Robin.' We sure we drafted a male? ... Based on the only photo we've seen of him, we're not sure he has eyes. ... Rumor from the college ranks is that this kid has a history of clashing with old men. Do we think that will be a problem in the big leagues? ... We'll have to alter his orangutan running style. ... Let's keep an eye on him; he wears Orenthal James gloves. ... Wait: White Sox, black gloves. Um, color clash nightmare! Not sure this will work. ... We vote for nicknaming him 'Ace.'"

Robin Ventura, 1989 Topps

Garth Iorg, 1988 Donruss

Name: Garth Iorg
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: 1 Czech Republic Koruna (0.0553 U.S. dollar)
Key 1987 stat: 17 blue jays kept in his studio apartment
Time for a foreign pop quiz:

With a name like Garth Iorg, where does this second baseman hail from?

(A) Brno, Czech Republic
(B) The planet Grachevka, where the inhabitants' skin is mesh
(C) The Iorg 2B nebula, home of Garth light-hitting infielder cyborgs
(D) Arcata, Calif.
(E) None of the ... um, actually, it's D. Who would have thought?

Garth Iorg, 1988 Donruss

Mark Smith, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospect

Name: Mark Smith
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, Frederick (Md.) Keys
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One house key that no longer works in any lock
Key 1991 stat: 164 ad billboards on the outfield wall
Orioles' scouting report on top prospect Mark Smith: "He has a heckofa arm. Not that he can throw particularly well, he just has one very attractive arm. ... His plain name matches his plain game quite well. ... Four-tool player: He can use a wrench, hammer, screwdriver and pliers. ... He plays for the Keys, which makes sense, considering he'll have a lot of them during his second career as a janitor. ... Plays at a field with a Pepsi ad in right field. Sadly, this kid is not the choice of the next generation, or this generation for that matter. ... Let's call down to the Keys GM and have him take that star off Smith's jersey."

Mark Smith, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospect

Rob Dibble, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 37)

Name: Rob Dibble
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three bags of barbershop shavings
Key 1990 stats: 13 stripes, 50 stars
Rob Dibble is wearing a U.S. flag pin on his cap; 10 reasons he loves America:
10) In 1991, it was a nation of mullets.
9) He has pet bald eagles.
8) Apple pie. (Yes, for the crude reason you're thinking about.)
7) No other nation provides such an ideal environment for punching yourself in the chin.
6) He has 50 (mental) states.
5) He doesn't; that's actually Pac-Man on his hat eating a ghost.
4) He (expletive) hates the metric system.
3) He plays in Cincinnati, so he loves being anywhere else in the country.
2) He has an uncle Sam.
1) He plays for the Reds, but he hates Commies.

Rob Dibble, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 37)

Barry Sanders, 1990 Pro Set Hall of Fame Photo Contest (Football Friday No. 104)

Name: Barry Sanders
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Running back
Value of card: Bag of poop (also the first-place prize in photo contest)
Key 1989 stat: 14 pounds of hand tape
It's an apt time for the return of The Caption: "Detroit Lions running back Barry Sanders, above, becomes slightly aroused when Cleveland Browns strong safety Felix Wright starts to slowly undress him on the field while the two erstwhile lovers participate in a "sensual photo" contest Wednesday in Pontiac, Mich."

Barry Sanders, 1990 Pro Set Hall of Fame Photo Contest (Football Friday No. 104)

David Wells, 2001 Fleer Game Time

Name: David Wells
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Big fat pitcher
Value of card: Buy one, get one Denny's Mac 'n' Cheese Patty Melt
Key 2000 stat: One plus-size goatee
Here's what David Wells stands for:

Doesn't look like black is so slimming, after all
Advanced metrics show he has a 40.3-to-1 cheeseburger-to-strikeout ratio
Voluptuous? More like voluminous
Is known to suck the cream filling out of Twinkies, claiming the sponge cake is too "granola"
Didn't mind fat jokes, considering he was one

Weight with goatee: 3 pounds more than weight without goatee
Every two hours, fans can watch as Wells is fed raw hamburger and chocolate sauce by staff trainers
Likely quote from Babe Ruth about David Wells: "Dude, eat a salad."
Luckily, the cardmakers blurred out his groin in the bigger photo
Sweated through this black jersey so many times it turned into road gray

David Wells, 2001 Fleer Game Time

Jim Kern, 1982 Donruss

Name: Jim Kern
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Whatever you find in this guy's drain
Key 1981 stat: 365 days of growth
Yup, it's another Wiki Entry: This is No. 2 in what is sure to become a much-loved Bust tradition. In this feature, we copy a Wikipedia entry straight from the site, and then change a few key words to make the description better fit the card. Enjoy what is sure to be the literary highlight of your day.
The Kern Wiki Entry (changes in red): Jim Kern Kern County is a baseball player county located in the southern Central Valley of the U.S. state of California. Established in 1949 1866, his beard it extends east beyond the southern slope of the eastern Sierra Nevada range into the Mojave Desert, and includes parts of the Indian Wells Valley, and the Antelope Valley, and has an area nearly the size of New Jersey. From under his hat, the Sierras his sloppy mop the county extends across the floor of the San Joaquin Valley to the eastern edge of the Temblor Range, part of the Coastal Ranges. To the south, his tangled face fuzz the county extends over the ridge of the Tehachapi Mountains. According to the 2000 census, its tick population was 661,645. ... The beard mess county has a large agricultural base and is a significant producer of oil, natural gas and gasps. hydro-electric power, wind turbine power, and geothermal power As of 2009, Kern remains California's top oil-producing beard, county with 81 percent of the state's 52,144 active oil wells. The beard county accounts for one-tenth of overall U.S. oil production, and three of the five largest U.S. oil fields are on in Kern. County Kern is also noted for his its mineral wealth, including gold, borate and kernite. The largest open pit hair mine in California is on at Boron in Kern. County

Jim Kern, 1982 Donruss

Shawon Dunston, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Name: Shawon Dunston
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 5 cents off a hero sandwich
Key 1991 stat: Zero visits to the Bust, where the Upper Deck heroes of your childhood go to be ridiculed
Here are some more stats from the 1992 Upper Deck Heroes Game:

Ryan Bowen: Two hits, one piggyback ride
Nolan Ryan: 14 strikeouts, 14 "Airplane" references
Dave Winfield: Three RBI, traded twice in the same game
Ken Griffey Jr.: One HR, one SB, one injury
Will Clark: Two doubles, one tantrum thrown
Danny Manning: Four slam dunks, one wrong sport
Roger McDowell: One save, 15 women hit on unsuccessfully
Oil Can Boyd: 2.1 IP, 49 gold chains bought from guy outside stadium
Howard Johnson: One run scored, one illegitimate child

Shawon Dunston, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Candy Maldonado, 1987 Fleer Award Winner

Name: Candy Maldonado
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: Outfield, Pinch Hitter of the Year
Value of card: Four pieces of construction paper (used above)
Key 1986 stat: One award that's really a backhanded compliment
10 candy descriptions for Candy Maldonado:
10) Good & Plenty (of strikeouts)
9) Mounds (of cellulite)
8) Fun Dip (causes mouth cancer)
7) Baby Ruth (as in: much, much worse than Babe Ruth)
6) 100 Grand (salary is far too generous)
5) Big Hunk (look elsewhere)
4) Reese's Peanut Butter Cup (in his jockstrap)
3) Junior Mints (in his jockstrap)
2) Charleston Chew (spit)
1) Snickers (when he showers)

Candy Maldonado, 1987 Fleer Award Winner

Jermaine Dye, 2001 Upper Deck MVP

Name: Jermaine Dye
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One bent nail
Key 2000 stat: 290 visits to ACE Hardware
What "super tools" earned Jermaine Dye this Upper Deck MVP?

• He could absolutely drill the ball
• He rarely screwed up
• He brought down the hammer on opposing pitching
• He never wrenched his back, though he did break his leg once
• He knew when to ratchet his performance up a notch
• He could nail a runner at the plate
• He didn't need a chisel to wear down the competition — he was Dye-no-mite!

Jermaine Dye, 2001 Upper Deck MVP

Chuck Finley, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 36)

Name: Chuck Finley
Team: California Angels
Position: Ace
Value of card: The hair left in Finley's comb
Key 1990 stat: 3,000 hours of rock
10 names for Chuck Finley's hair band:
10) Motley 'Do
9) Chin Music
8) Suicide Squeeze
7) The Cowhide Grippers
6) Def Lefty
5) The Tawny Kitt-ens
4) Damn Yankees Hitters
3) Twisted Pitcher
2) Guns N' Mullets
1) The Hair Angels

Chuck Finley, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 36)

Charles Johnson, 1994 Flair Wave of the Future (Football Friday No. 103)

Name: Charles Johnson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Motion sickness
Key 1994 stat: Took 52 dance classes
It's a Football Friday pop quiz:

What's happening to Charles Johnson here?

A) He's doing the hustle to save humanity from a vortex of blue words
B) Never mind, he's just doing the hustle for the fun of it
C) He's being sucked into a whirlpool of statistics. And bad ones, at that.
D) He just hit 88 mph
E) He's getting Flaired.

Charles Johnson, 1994 Flair Wave of the Future (Football Friday No. 103)

U L Washington, 1982 Donruss

Name: U L Washington
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Zero Washingtons
Key 1981 stat: Two initials, no periods
Time for a jheri curl juice-soaked pop quiz:

So, what does "U L" stand for?

(A) Ugly Leroy
(B) Umbilical Lord
(C) Unseemly Locks
(D) Unadulterated Lovemaker
(E) Wait, does that say: U L Washington SS? What is that, the name of a battleship?
(F) None of the above

U L Washington, 1982 Donruss

Dwight Gooden, 1992 Donruss

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: The residue on a bag that an 8-ball came in
Key 1991 stat: Three teammates, one intervention
Conversation among Kevin Elster, from left, Tom Herr, Dwight Gooden and Dave Magadan, Aug. 15, 1991:
Gooden: "Guys, what are you all doing here on the mound before the first pitch?"
Magadan: "Dwight, we need to talk. This is an intervention. That's why no one is in the stadium but us."
Gooden: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. I don't have a problem. Sure, I like to party, but ..."
Herr: "Dwight, this is serious. You snort more than a pig with a deviated septum. You drink more than sailor, a sailor who fell overboard."
Elster: "Seriously, Dwight. We like going to the club with you, but last time you put a shotgun in my mouth and then ended up drinking gin out of the barrel later."
Herr: "And there's the time you tried to snort the baseline."
Gooden: "But, but ..."
Magadan: "And the time you dropped acid on your off day and were convinced that Strawberry was actually a strawberry."
Herr: "You smoked part of my mitt, man."
Magadan: "You mistakenly shot up Mr. Pibb."
Gooden: "Hey, that was a good high, man."
Elster: "It's time you got help, Dwight. No more bathtubs filled with pills or Winner's Cup Vodka showers."
Herr: "Especially in the locker room after a loss."
Gooden: "Guys, thank you for this. (crying) I just needed someone to lay it out straight, ya know? These vices have such a powerful grip on me. Now, let's get me to a doctor."
Magadan: "That's great, Dwight. You're handling this so well."
Herr: "Yeah, that's great, Dwight. We'll get you to the doctor."
Gooden: "OK, good. His name is Dr. K. His office is down the street. Just drop me off in the dark alley near the martini neon sign. Let's get there, stat. Right after the next hit." (Gooden runs)
Magadan: "I don't think he means a base hit."
Elster: "Freebase hit, Dave. Freebase hit."

Dwight Gooden, 1992 Donruss

Jhonny Peralta, 2006 Topps Bazooka

Name: Johnny Jhonny Peralta
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Gum from 1986
Key 2005 stat: 84 trips to the human resources office
Heeeere's Jhonny: What's the most inappropriate thing about this card?

A) The bat, duh.
B) The look on Jhonny Peralta's face
C) The look on the Indians' mascot's face
D) The wanton disregard with which Jhonny Peralta (mis)spells his name
E) All of the above

Jhonny Peralta, 2006 Topps Bazooka

Brian Barber, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Brian Barber

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: A wasted first-round draft pick

Key 1991 stat: Zero girlfriends

Cardinals scouting report on first-round pick Brian Barber, circa 1991: "He's a little young — we're hoping he goes through puberty before too much longer. ... Wears his watch on the underside of his wrist. Yeah, he's one of those people. ... Has a wider variety of polo shirts than pitches. ... Last name may be a better career fit than big leaguer. ... If this kid was any greener, he'd be a frog. ... Definitely has the potential to help our AA club win a few games. ... Got an "A" on his history research paper junior year, so that's gotta be worth something. ... Says Bob Tewksbury is his role model. We're pretty sure nobody has ever said that before. ... Refuses to eat regular hot dogs. He'll only eat the kind with the cheese inside."

Brian Barber, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Chris Gwynn and Tony Gwynn, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Names: Chris Gwynn and Tony Gwynn
Teams: Los Angeles Dodgers, San Diego Padres
Positions: Outfield and outfield
Value of card: It's nothing between brothers
Key 1991 stats: 35 hits for one, 168 hits for the other
Time for a Gwynn family edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Ultra-mesh undershirt peepshow (Winner: Tony)
Round 2: Weight, in ounces, of sweat collecting on neck and jacket (Winner: Chris)
Round 3: Circumference of head, measured around cheeks (Winner: Tony)
Round 4: Lip-gripping 'stache (Winner: Chris)
Round 5: Tucked-in jacket fashion faux pas (Winner: Chris)
Round 6: Overall baseball success and cheerfulness (Winner: Tony)
Round 7: Mama's favorite (Winner: Chris)

Score: Chris 4, Tony 3

Synopsis: In what has to be one of the biggest upsets in Matchup history, Chris Gwynn shows his Hall of Fame brother that a mother's love really is all that matters.

Chris Gwynn and Tony Gwynn, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Benito Santiago, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 35)

Name: Benito Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: An ear infection
Key 1990 stat: One killer flat top
It's a Studio Saturday pop quiz:

What did Benito Santiago's mother say the first time she saw his sweet new earring?

A) "Jesus wept."
B) "You look like your sister, except with a smaller mustache."
C) "I guess we'll have to start calling you Benita."
D) "Maybe that'll help you hit a curveball."
E) "You put that back in my jewelry box right now, young man!"

Benito Santiago, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 35)

Chris Miller, 1992 Fleer Ultra Chris Miller Series (Football Friday No. 102)

Name: Chris Miller
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Monetary equivalent of Pets.com stock in 2011
Key 1991 stat: One endorsement deal (with Fleer Ultra)
Wait, wait, wait, what? Yes, what you're seeing is real. Fleer Ultra dedicated a 12-card subset to Chris Miller in 1991. Yes, that Chris Miller. We were confused, too, so we checked the record books. Yup, plenty of good players took the field in 1991. The mediocre Miller wasn't the only player in the NFL that season. The brainiacs at Fleer could have picked a quarterback who was playing then or one who had retired. They could have held out until basketball season and picked a more exciting Miller or held out until baseball season and done the same thing. But no, they wanted to highlight Chris Miller's 26-touchdown, 18-interception 1991 season, which, though pedestrian, would far and away be his best season. So, grab a set of 1991 Fleer Ultra Chris Miller Series cards and flip one over. Miller's sole "performance highlight" is listed: "Miller had a 12-card Fleer Ultra football card series dedicated to him in 1991."

Chris Miller, 1992 Fleer Ultra Chris Miller Series (Football Friday No. 102)

Moose Haas, 1982 Donruss

Name: Moose Haas
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 14 pounds of moose dung
Key 1981 stat: 128 beads in his pearl necklace (umm, dudes wear pearl necklaces?)
Another new tired feature on The Bust: Britannica and World Book are so 1980s, dude. It's all about Wikipedia. Because who doesn't want to trust an information source that's written by a bunch of anonymous tech geeks with unknown motives, right? So, to honor its global influence, we offer a new feature: The Wiki Entry. We'll copy the real entry verbatim, and then change a few key words. Try not to be too overwhelmed by the depth of the prose.
The Wiki Entry (changes in red): The Moose Haas moose (North America) or Eurasian elk (Europe) is the largest sweat-producing extant species in the dork deer family. Moose is are distinguished by the homeless haircut; palmate antlers of the males; other members of the Haas family have mustaches antlers with a dendritic ("twig-like") configuration. Moose typically inhabits boreal and mixed deciduous forests of the Northern Hemisphere in temperate to subarctic climates. Moose used to have a much wider range but the requirement of showers hunting and other human activities greatly reduced the range over the years. Moose has have been re-introduced to some of his their former habitats, including dive bars, methadone clinics and Denny's. His Their diet consists of both cheeseburgers terrestrial and rot-gut whiskey. aquatic vegetation. The most common Moose predators are creditors, wolves, bears and herpes. humans. Unlike most other baseball players, deer species, Moose is a are solitary animal and does not form meaningful relationships. herds. Although generally slow moving and sedentary, Moose can become aggressive and move surprisingly fast if angered or startled. His Their mating season in the autumn can lead to spectacular fights between males competing for the right to mate with a loose particular female.

Moose Haas, 1982 Donruss

Dave Engle, 1982 Topps

Name: Dave Engle
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Cat hair on the back of your black T-shirt
Key 1981 stat: Made this face 1,933 times
Video dating service profile for Dave Engle, circa 1981:

Age: 25
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 210 lbs. — with my clothes off
Hair: Uncut
Ethnicity: I'm in Minnesota. Duh.
Want children? As many as possible so they can take care of me when I flame out of baseball
Relationship status: Rhymes with Engle
Best feature: My "I've got a secret" face
Smoke? Cloves
Drink? Boone's Farm

Seeking: An end to the loneliness
Location: Minnesota, until they trade me
Her height: As long as she can stand, that's cool
Her weight: On me
Her ethnicity: Nymphomanian

About me: Hi ladies, I'm Dave Engle. I like Pringles, I don't have shingles and I believe in Kris Kringle. If you're single and want to mingle, give me a jingle. I'll make you tingle!

Dave Engle, 1982 Topps

Larry Milbourne, 1980 Topps

Name: Larry Milbourne
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop-second base
Value of card: Six water bottles filled with tobacco spit
Key 1979 stat: 14,390 chews taken
10 things Milbourne might be chewing in his left cheek:
10) The ball from his first, and only, hit of the season
9) A fish thrown at his face at Pike Place Market
8) An actual mariner
7) 1.5 pounds of bubblegum stolen from a chubby kid in row 1
6) Cancer
5) The Topps logo that's mysteriously not on this card
4) A third batting glove covered in chewing tobacco spit
3) The second "R" in his first name that he left out of his signature
2) His other lambchop
1) A chew, a chew, a chew, a chew and another chew

Larry Milbourne, 1980 Topps

Orlando Miller, 1991 Classic Best

Name: Orlando Miller
Team: Jackson Generals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: $1 off at M&M lumber, where the lumber melts in your mouth, not in your hand
Key 1990 stat: One piece of lumber melted in mouth
Opponent's scouting report on Orlando Miller, circa spring 1991: "Has almost as much range as his left eyebrow. ... Refuses to wear team's hat, instead opting for the one he got at space camp. ... Knows all the words to Billy Joel's "Piano Man," and sings it to any runner at second base. ... Posed like a pitcher when those baseball card clowns came around, and honestly looked more natural than he does at short. ... Has the sleeves of a champion. ... He's very good at Chutes and Ladders. I lost $70. ... He's just not that good in the hole. And he's only an average shortstop."

Orlando Miller, 1991 Classic Best

Tony Scott, 1982 Donruss

 
Name: Tony Scott
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One afro's worth of jheri juice, squeezed into a rusty coffee can, left in the sun for a day
Key 1981 stat: One hairstyle trademark
Introducing ... The GreatScott®: Only the brightest fashion stars in the baseball universe can lay claim to coining their own signature hairstyle. Of course, no one can forget The Greasy Earmuffs® or The SaberMullet®, two all-time classics, but few have moved from the head to the handlebars, and no one did it better than the man they called Tony Scott, who, well, really didn't look like a "Tony Scott." This mediocre early-1980s Astros outfielder brought the world The GreatScott®, in all its shining, dripping glory. Scott took a hairstyle and facial hair and made them one. He married afro with mustache, and then introduced lambchops to the relationship, creating a menage a trois of hair that had no heir apparent. Women wanted him; Southern Civil War generals wanted to be him. His resemblance to a certain mouse could have gotten him free rides at Disneyland but, because of The GreatScott®, he could get into The Blue Oyster Bar and dance the night away. The GreatScott®, you'd have to be some kind of an Astro to walk around with this thing.

Tony Scott, 1982 Donruss

Steve Bedrosian, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday, No. 34)

Name: Steve Bedrosian
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Reliever
Value of card: 18 pounds of hair
Key 1990 stat: Head was never cold
It's beard against hair helmet in this barbershop-style Matchup:

Round 1: Resemblance to collar (Winner: Beard)
Round 2: Resemblance to hedgehog (Winner: Hair helmet)
Round 3: Resemblance to normal human hair (Winner: Neither)
Round 4: Better groomed (Winner: Beard)
Round 5: Ability to catch crumbs (Winner: Beard)
Round 6: Ability to conceal an iguana (Winner: Hair helmet)
Round 7: Bigger attraction for the ladies (Winner: Neither)

Final score: Beard 3, hair helmet 2, with two DNFs

Synopsis: Sure, Bedrosian has enough hair above his neck to clothe a Nepalese family, but it's his beard that proves rougher and tougher, coming out on top of  his mountainous hairdo.

Steve Bedrosian, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday, No. 34)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Pro Set NFL Newsreel (Football Friday No. 101)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Running back, emergency room
Value of card: Three screws extracted from hip
Key 1990 stat: Zero career-ending injuries
Key 1991 stat: One career-ending injury
Key 1992 stat: Zero games played
Ouch: We've shown you hundreds of cards that are so bad they can cause severe pain, but this is the first time a card on The Bust has shown a player suffering a career-ending injury. Sure, we've shown you injured players and a bisected Bo, but this is Bo getting his life bisected by a terrible injury. Imagine if Bo's kids in 1991 picked up a pack of Pro Set cards and saw Daddy's hip shattering? Brutal. What could have been worse? We have a few ideas:

• The 1991 Topps card that showed Bo's wife cheating on him with a 375-pound lineman.
• The 1992 Pro Set card that showed Bo sitting on his couch with his leg in a cast.
• The 1991 Score card that showed Bo's golden retriever getting hit by a car.
• A ridiculous 1991 card that compared Bo to a certain rascally TV character.
• The 1992 Pro Line Portrait card that showed Bo's kids thumbing through a pack that contained all the above cards, including the one that pictured their dad's football career being cut short by a gruesome hip injury.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Pro Set NFL Newsreel (Football Friday No. 101)

Darrell Porter, 1982 Donruss

Name: Darrell Porter
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Sore ears
Key 1981 stat: 100 pounds of plastic
Quiz time: Which of these things is bulkier than Darrell Porter's eyeglasses?

A) A sack of pizza dough
B) A dead rhinoceros
C) A Navy warship
D) John Kruk
E) None of the above

Darrell Porter, 1982 Donruss

Chan Ho Park, 1997 Pinnacle Passport to the Majors

Name: Chan Ho Park
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitcher, standing in line at Customs
Value of card: Whatever bogus silver leaf sells for these days
Key 1996 stat: Six fake stamps
Three good things and three bad things about this foldout card:
Good: Promotes a sense of multiculturalism in the game.
Bad: Does not work as an actual passport
Good: Attempts to present the player in a more personable way.
Bad: Does not mention Park's Flying Squirrel Kick skills
Good: Having card open like a book provides a new dimension to card collecting.
Bad: Having Park's signature allowed forgers to take over his Columbia House CD account, resulting in mass overcharges for albums from Slayer, Yanni and Garth Brooks.

Chan Ho Park, 1997 Pinnacle Passport to the Majors

Barry Jones, 1989 Fleer

Name: Barry Jones
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Pitcher, scoundrel
Value of card: Two shots of Winner's Cup Vodka (charcoal filtered, of course)
Key 1988 stat: 22 shots of Winner's Cup Vodka (charcoal filtered and puked up, of course)
Clean it up, Barry (face palm): Barry Jones, you and Fleer should be ashamed of yourselves. You look like you just woke up and rolled off a dead hooker. And by "hooker," we mean "fisherman." If this card were scratch-and-sniff, it would be 80 proof. You're wearing a mesh jersey that would be laughed off a beer league field, but it's covering a gut that only belongs on that field. Nice black-tar smack scar on your arm. What flytrap motel on the South Side played host to that night? And the mustache. C'mon. If you're going to do handlebars, go all the way and grow a pair. That uneven mess above your lip looks like it crawled there after the Port-O-Potty tipped over. But, hey, shaving your sweaty chest hair into a heart was a nice touch. In closing, run a comb through that filthy mullet, ya jerk.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Barry Jones, 1989 Fleer

Ryan Hawblitzel, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospect

Name: Ryan Hawblitzel
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of infield dirt, swallowed, and then regurgitated
Key 1991 stat: 14 candles on his birthday cake
Chicago Cubs' scouting report on "top prospect" Ryan Hawblitzel: "Let's see, hmm, Hawblitzel. Yeah, that name really rolls right off your tongue. ... We'll need to schedule his workouts around his catechism and eighth-grade algebra classes. ... Coach will have to teach him a changeup — and how to shave. ... Let's get him a ridiculously huge hat. Oh, wait. Never mind. ... Man, the kid sure does dislike sideburns. ... This photo shows his head in the clouds. From what we hear, that's appropriate."

Ryan Hawblitzel, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospect

Glenn Braggs, 1992 Upper Deck

Names: Glenn Braggs and Kirt Manwaring
Teams: Cincinnati Reds and San Francisco Giants
Positions: Outfield and catcher, respectively; hunter and hunted, respectively
Value of card: Four used Band-Aids
Key 1991 stat: One catcher crash KO
It's time for a knockout edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Momentum (Winner: Braggs)
Round 2: Magnitude of velocity (Winner: Braggs)
Round 3: Upper-body strength (Winner: Braggs)
Round 4: Position allowing for the exacting of painful damage (Winner: Braggs)
Round 5: Electromagnetic force + propulsion + bulge (Winner: Braggs)
Round 6: Fear-soaked scream of an 8-year-old girl (Winner: Manwaring)
Round 7: Trips to the emergency room (Winner: Manwaring)

Score: Braggs 5, Manwaring 2

Synopsis: Seldom do we see a Matchup with such an obvious loser. Manwaring is screaming in anticipation of being run over like a quadriplegic on the Talladega Superspeedway, foreshadowing the brutal pummeling that will give Glenn Braggs something to boast about.

Glenn Braggs, 1992 Upper Deck

Charlie Hough, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 33)

Name: Charlie Hough
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Knuckleballer
Value of card: It's equal to the cost of a loaf of bread the day Hough was born (5 cents)
Key 1990 stat: 62 birthday candles on cake
Conversation between Charlie Hough and Studio photographer, April 13, 1991: 
Charlie Hough: Hello, sonny. Is this the photography studio?
Studio photographer: Yes, sir. It's good to have you here, Mr. Hough.
CH: I remember when you fellers used the big, exploding flash.
SP: Yeah, it's been a while since we used those. Why don't you sit there and hand me that towel.
CH: I'll keep the towel.
SP: Mr. Hough, hand me the towel, please.
CH: I'm never throwing in the towel.
SP: This photo will look a lot better if you at least put the towel on your lap.
CH: I ain't never throwing in the towel, no matter what you or them suits say. I may be old, but I can still pitch.
SP: Sir, this has nothing to do with your ability to pitch. I'm sure you're a fine pitcher. Just put the towel down.
CH: You whippersnappers are all the same, telling me to hang 'em up. Telling me a 62-year-old can't play in the bigs. Well, I'll show you. I ain't never throwing in this towel.
SP: OK, sir. That's fine. One, two, three. Cheese. That should make for a fine, distinguished photo you can show your grandkids.
CH: Why you ...

Charlie Hough, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 33)