Dale Murray, 1984 Topps

Name: Dale Murray

Team: New York Yankees

Positions: Pitcher, general manager

Value of card: 3 cents on the free-agent market

Key 1983 stat: Five trades orchestrated

The Boss is the boss: The year was 1983, and Dale Murray had reached the pinnacle of a long career in professional baseball. He hadn't played the game since his days in Single-A in the 1950s, but he had used his shrewdness and knowledge of the game to rise to general manager of the New York Yankees. During the 1983-84 offseason, Murray made a few trades and signed a few free agents, but, mostly, he cruised through his general-manager duties, relishing the life his title afforded him. It didn't take long for Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to take account of Murray's laziness, leading The Boss to offer his general manager a choice: turn around the team's losing ways or find a new job. After a few weeks and a string of Yankees defeats, The Boss made a decision. Murray had one last chance to turn around the team's misfortunes and keep his coveted title. Steinbrenner forced manager Yogi Berra to pencil in Murray as the starter against the Toronto Blue Jays, and told the general manager that he could keep his job if he won the game. The 67-year-old Murray, though embarrassed, took the mound, and proceded to throw 37 straight balls, the fastest clocked at 43 mph. After Berra pulled Murray from the game Steinbrenner invited him to the owner's box. The Boss told Murray he was proud of his effort and said he could keep the title he cherished. The next day, he was to report to the Yankee Stadium Sanitation Department, where he was to begin his tenure as general manager of garbage, a role The Boss said Murray knew well.

Dale Murray, 1984 Topps

Wendell Magee Jr., 1997 Fleer Ultra

Name: Wendell Magee Jr.

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Even trade for one used, sweaty wristband

Key 1996 stat: One philosophical necklace worn, 162 games

The yin and yang of Wendell Magee Jr.:

Yin: Magee refused to drink booze after growing up with an alcoholic father.

Yang: Young fans took up drinking because he posed like Captain Morgan.

Yin: Magee wore wristbands to deal with a sweating problem.

Yang: He had a sweating problem because he wore wristbands on his mid-forearm.

Yin: Magee grew a pencil-thin mustache to be stylish.

Yang: People are stylish because they don't have pencil-thin mustaches.

Yin: Magee wore a yin-and-yang necklace, symbolizing ancient Chinese philosophical wisdom.

Yang: Despite the $1.99 necklace, he was an idiot.

Wendell Magee Jr., 1997 Fleer Ultra

Phil Nevin, 1992 Topps Team USA

Name: Phil Nevin

Team: Team USA

Positions: Shortstop, third base, patriot

Value of card: 12 cents (U.S.)

Key 1991 stat: One country defended — with a baseball bat

President George H.W. Bush's scouting report of Phil Nevin, circa 1991: "Read my lips: no new Nevins. ... Saddam's got nothing on this new breed of American soldier. ... Much better neck feathers than Quayle. ... Will instill fear in the hearts of our enemies with his 116-pound frame. ... He'll be a big part of the Department of Defense, as soon as he graduates from seventh grade. ... We'll need to get him a new hat for his clandestine work. ... This guy's got ears like Perot, but I like him anyway."

Phil Nevin, 1992 Topps Team USA

Don Mattingly, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 2)

Name: Don Mattingly

Team: New York Yankees

Position: First base

Value of card: 50-cent tip to bartender

Key 1990 stat: Four days since looking in a mirror

Don spent a week there one night: 1991 Studio was a great set because the photographers often captured the person behind the player. Usually, this was a good thing for all involved parties. In Don Mattingly's case, this nearly landed him in rehab. Mattingly had arrived at Studio's studios after a four-day bender during which the only food he ate was tequila worms and the only shower he took was when he fell face first into a clogged urinal. He had subsisted on whiskey and what little charm he had left after subsisting on whiskey, and showed up at the studio a beaten and beleaguered man. The photographer did his best to clean him up, changing Mattingly out of his sombrero and poncho, trimming his puke-stained mustache and pulling the family of river rats out of his pants. Knowing it wouldn't be long before the Yankees first baseman was spread eagle on a bathroom floor, the photographer snapped one shot, seen above, a moment before Mattingly threw up all over the camera.

Don Mattingly, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 2)

Derrick Thomas, Neil Smith, 1993 Skybox (Football Friday No. 69)

Names: Derrick Thomas, Neil Smith
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Linebacker, defensive end, respectively
Value of card: One broken taillight
Key 1993 stat: About a million sacks, combined
It's a Matchup between two sackmasters:

Round 1: Standing in traffic (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Head roundness (Winner: Smith)
Round 3: Not getting in the way of genius "RUSH HOUR" lettering (Winner: Thomas)
Round 4: Pants hitched up to armpits (Winner: Smith)
Round 5: Prominence of lace-up crotch (Winner: Smith)
Round 6: Badassery (Winner: Thomas)
Round 7: Respect for that terrible Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan movie (Winner: Neither)
Round 8: Bulge (Winner: Thomas)
Round 9: Love of ketchup (Winner: Smith)

Final score: Smith 4, Thomas 3 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Derrick Thomas may have had the more memorable career, but it's Neil Smith who's the big Chief today. It's a good thing he had his crotch laced up so tightly. More importantly, "Rush Hour" sucked.

Derrick Thomas, Neil Smith, 1993 Skybox (Football Friday No. 69)

Bob Horner, 1981 Topps

Name: Bob Horner

Team: Atlanta Braves

Position: Third base

Value of card: Empty can of Copenhagen

Key 1980 stat: 12 hot dogs eaten, one sitting

What Bob Horner stands for:

Body of a superior athlete

Odor of an inferior racehorse

Blonde curls never get washed

Hobo, his after-baseball occupation

Overeating, a familiar concept to him

Rear end like a garbage truck

Never met a uniform he thought was too tight

Especially fond of fried chicken

Runs to first, jogs to second, walks to third, runs to buffet

Bob Horner, 1981 Topps

Bob Rodgers, 1991 Topps

Name: Bob Rodgers

Team: Montreal Expos

Positions: Manager, clubhouse janitor

Value of card: I remember, when I was a kid, you could get this card for a nickel ...

Key 1990 stat: 4-inch eyebrows

10 ways Expos manager Bob Rodgers showed his age in 1991:

10) He called his mesh jersey "the most space-age material" he'd ever seen.

9) He benched a player and called him a "panty-waist" for using a mitt in the field.

8) He pitched around the Cardinals' Stan Musial even though "The Man" retired in 1963.

7) He drove a horse-drawn carriage to Olympic Stadium.

6) He'd leave afternoon games at 4 p.m. to catch the early-bird special Montreal's Le Denny's.

5) He often told stories about a pretty good player he managed, Abner Doubleday.

4) It took him months to realize Montreal was in Canada.

3) He pencilled in a dead guy as the cleanup hitter in a game against the Reds.

2) In 1991, he got thrown out of a game for arguing a call from 1981.

1) He walked into a room.

Bob Rodgers, 1991 Topps

Dustin Hermanson, 1995 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Name: Dustin H_____son

Team: San Diego Padres

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: One "Electric Diamond" (Worthless x 1.5 = Worthless.5)

Key 1994 stat: Size 9 1/2 head

San Diego Padres' scouting report on "Sta_ R___ie" Dustin Hermanson: "Massive head, which blocks everything in its path, including hyperbolic baseball card labels. ... If Hermanson fails, monobrow may have a future in organization. ... Need to keep an eye on his candy addiction. ... Collar could one day mature into a mock turtleneck; with luck, a full turtleneck. ... Looks good plastered against a sea of blue, despite sophomoric facial hair."

Dustin Hermanson, 1995 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Eric Rasmussen, 1981 Topps

Name: Eric Rasmussen
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Abject loneliness
Key 1980 stat: Four dates
Transcript from Eric Rasmussen's client tape for Beards & Beauties Video Dating Service, circa 1981: "Hi ladies. (Looks offstage) You're only showing this to women, right? OK, good. (Back to camera) My name's Eric and I'm a professional baseball player, no matter what those knuckleheads on the sports radio shows say. (Laughs to self) But enough about that. From what the folks here have told me, if you're watching this, you're into face fur. So, let me tell you a little bit about my beard. Its name is Cody and it's 3 years old. I'm told it smells lightly of cornbread and Hai Karate, though I'm so used to it, I can't really tell any more. They're not here right now, but during the fall, a small family of sparrows nests in it for a couple of weeks before moving on as part of their migratory route. During this time, I'm largely unable to comb or clean Cody, so he can get a little messy. Still, I wouldn't have it any other way. I hope you wouldn't either. Call me, and let's start a little love nest of our own."

Eric Rasmussen, 1981 Topps

Elliot Perry, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 7)

Name: Elliot Perry
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Guard
Value of card: It's hard to see the value of this card
Key 1992-93 stat: 44 times arrested by the fashion police
Pop-a-shot quiz: Which of these items failed to penetrate Elliot Perry's face windshield?

A) A power drill
B) A spear made of diamonds
C) Shrapnel from the rim Perry just exploded with yet another brick
D) Karl Malone's elbows
E) All of the above

Fashion fun fact: After signing with Phoenix in 1994, Perry ditched his Chris Sabo specials. Instead, he started wearing socks up to his groin.

Elliot Perry, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 7)

Rumeal Robinson, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 6)

Name: Rumeal Robinson
Team: Atlanta Ha — no, wait, New Jersey Nets
Positions: Guard, off-balance
Value of card: A week-old scab
Key 1992-93 stat: One U-Haul rented
Fun facts about the trade that sent Rumeal Robinson from Atlanta to New Jersey:

• The Nets loved Robinson's unorthodox shooting style, which involved scooping the ball toward the hoop then falling to the ground in pain.
• Hawks coach Bob Weiss never trusted Robinson, mostly because he never believed his first name was Rumeal.
• In return, the Hawks received Roy Hinson, Mookie Blaylock, Mookie Wilson and a housecat named Mookie.
• It was the first time Robinson was traded. It definitely was not the last.
• Robinson actually demanded the trade. I mean, who wouldn't want to live in New Jersey?

Rumeal Robinson, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 6)

Will Smith, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Stay In School (Basketball Week No. 5)

Name: Will Smith
Team: Bel-Air Academy Peacocks
Position: Actor
Value of card: Half a jacket
Key 1991-92 stat: Zero hats worn correctly
The legend of the Fresh Prince: Will Smith was born in West Philadelphia, Pa., to a single mother. Smith grew into a street-smart teenager, spending most of his days on the playground, where he would hang out, "max," relax all cool, and often play basketball near his learning institution. Trouble arose in 1990, when two young men invaded Smith's neighborhood, causing chaos by picking people up and spinning them around on their shoulders. Smith encountered these ruffians one afternoon — and did not fare well in the ensuing fight. His mother, fearful of seeing her son's life wasted, decided to send him to stay with her sister's family in Bel-Air, Calif. Smith, terrified of flying, decided to take a taxi to California, a trip that cost just under $23,000. The cabby's eccentricities — dice hanging from his mirror, a personalized license plate, an unseemly odor — made the trek a rare one. Smith arrived at his new home around 7:30 p.m., bid his driver farewell, and quickly became a royal pain in the butt to his obese uncle and his aunt, who underwent an amazing transformation around Season 3.

And now that you're dying to hear it: Here's the theme song.

Will Smith, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Stay In School (Basketball Week No. 5)

Danny Manning, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 4)

Name: Danny Manning
Team: Los Angeles Clippers
Position: Forward
Value of card: SLAM
Key 1992-93 stat: SLAM SLAM SLAM
Baseball Card Bust's critique of the fine artwork on this card: The thing that strikes us right away is Danny Manning's nervousness. The reason behind this anxiety is clear. The fans at the bottom right, some of whom appear to be developmentally disabled, others of whom are wearing funny hats, are pressuring Manning to SLAM. Manning isn't sure what to make of this monosyllabic demand — he's confused and wary. The image of him at the bottom is symbolic of his inner reaction. He's holding the ball aloft, indicating his respect for the game, but he's also holding it loosely, indicating his lack of confidence in his abilities. The image of Manning at top shows his outer self: sweatier than a fat man in a Fourth of July 10K. All in all, this painting demonstrates both the importance of self-belief and the importance of SLAM.

Danny Manning, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 4)

Malik Sealy, 1992-93 Upper Deck NBA Draft (Basketball Week No. 3)

Name: Malik Sealy

Team: Indiana Pacers

Position: Forward

Value of card: One 5x7, one 4x6 and six wallet-sized portraits for $6.99

Key 1991-92 stat: 67 colors in one tie

Indiana Pacers' scouting report on draft pick Malik Sealy: "Twenty-three-inch neck makes him harder to shoot over. ... Last name is 'Sealy,' but, because of ears, more resembles a sea lion. ... If he doesn't work out on the floor, we can make a few bucks lending him to Boyz II Men as a stand-in. ... Will need to check his eyesight to make sure his draft-day tie didn't blind him. ... If he has one iota of substance, we don't have to worry about the 'style over substance' label. ... With a name like 'Malik,' he'll have no problem fitting in around Indiana."

Malik Sealy, 1992-93 Upper Deck NBA Draft (Basketball Week No. 3)

Bernard King, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 2)

Name: Bernard King

Team: Washington Bullets

Position: Forward

Value of card: Two spent casings

Key 1991-92 stat: Five shots (fired)

Time for a violent pop quiz:

Why did the Bullets limit Bernard King's playing time?

(A) Because, with a head was shaped like a bullet, he could be a hothead.

(B) Because they heard he could shoot, but, really, he shot blanks.

(C) Because he drank too much Coors Light.
(D) Because he'd be full of powder, then become a shell of his old self.

(E) All of the above.

Bernard King, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 2)

Scott Skiles, 1992-93 NBA Hoops (Basketball Week No. 1)

Name: Scott Skiles

Team: Orlando Magic

Position: Point guard

Value of card: One soggy jockstrap

Key 1991-92 stat: Two pasty-white thighs

It's magic: That's right. It's there, staring you down. Between two hairless thighs, at the center of the card, drawing your gaze. Celtics players can't defend it; the photographer has surrendered to it. Skiles, flying through the air, is screaming about it. That's right. Take a look. Remember this sight; it's something you can't "unsee." It's the Bust Trophy, and if you looked above it, for just a second, it'd be nuts.

Scott Skiles, 1992-93 NBA Hoops (Basketball Week No. 1)

Mike Parrott, 1981 Topps

Name: Mike Parrott

Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 3 ounces of birdseed

Key 1981 stat: 16 straight losses (true)

Clearing up some rumors about Mike Parrott:

• Parrott, despite his last name, didn't have feathers. He had 14 inches of feathery locks.
• Parrott didn't wear sunglasses to block the sun. He wore them to intimidate it.
• Parrott didn't like birds. He flipped them.
• Parrott didn't repeat phrases. He didn't repeat phrases.
• Parrott didn't live in a cage. He kept his mullet in one.

Mike Parrott, 1981 Topps

Black & Decker, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 1)

Names: Bud Black and Steve Decker

Team: San Francisco Giants

Positions: Pitcher and catcher, respectively

Value of card: 1 cent for each player, minus 2 cents

Key 1990 stat: One instance of being beaten to the joke

And introducing ... Studio Saturday: The brainiacs behind The Bust are starting a new feature today, Studio Saturday. We've already brought you some of the best from the 1991 set, including a romantic Julio Franco, a giggling Eddie Murray, a ball-juggling Dave Winfield, a mustachioed Dennis Eckersley, a contemplative Tony La Russia and a mulleted Tom Glavine. But 1991 Studio is just too damn good of a set for a few random postings, so you'll be getting a weekly dose of ridiculousness from the early 1990s. Enjoy.

You win this round, 1991 Studio: Black & Decker. We get it. In fact, before we looked closely at the card, we were going to beat the last-name pun until it became a dead horse. (Wait, did we screw up that idiom?) We planned to come up with a bunch of bad puns for these two smiling Giants, perhaps making note of Decker's bulge or Black's mullet. We probably wouldn't have been able to ignore references to famous duos such as Siegfried & Roy and Hall & Oates, who are giants in their own right. But nooooo, Studio had to go out and do our job for us, ending the 1991 set — minus the checklists and nameplate card — with a beleaguered pun. Well, Studio, at least you got one thing right: Black & Decker look like a couple of tools.

Black & Decker, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 1)

Erik Howard, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 68)

Name: Erik Howard

Team: New York Giants

Positions: Defensive tackle, bar owner

Value of card: Two songs on The Blue Oyster bar jukebox

Key 1990 stat: Two tangos with Capt. Harris

Leatherman and leatherhead: Erik Howard was a respected defensive tackle on two Super Bowl-winning Giants teams. He made big plays in the trenches, persevered through injuries and led his unit by example. But it wasn't his unit that most concerned him. Howard owned The Blue Oyster, a gay bar whose clientele included bikers, sailors, cowboys, leathermen, bears and the occasional police officer. In fact, it was these interactions with police that made The Blue Oyster famous. It was featured in movies, and tango competitions at the bar became the toast of the gay community. Despite the bar's success, Howard concentrated on football. But after football, he emerged from the shadows and publicly declared his love for Sweetchuck.

Erik Howard, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 68)

Darren Daulton, 1993 Studio

Name: Darren Daulton

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Position: Catcher

Value of card: P

Key 1992 stat: One hour a day spent using curling iron

Top 10 words starting with "P" for describing Daulton's mullet:

10) Permed

9) Provocative

8) Princely

7) Plush

6) Pulpy

5) Poon-tastic

4) Plume (of Cockatoo)

3) Pelt (of Squirrel)

2) Passport (to Canada)

1) Patrick Swayze

Darren Daulton, 1993 Studio

Jerry Koosman, 1984 Donruss

Name: Jerry Koosman

Team: Koosman Family Dentistry Sox

Position: Pitcher, underhand

Value of card: $17 softball league registration fee

Key 1984 stat: One pair of shorts, two knee braces worn during Wednesday night games

This type of ball is soft: With company profits sagging and amateur softball leagues rising in popularity, Donruss executives in 1983 came up with a plan out of left field, so to speak. Along with the normal cards of pro players, Donruss included a subset of softball stars from around the nation. Jerry Koosman was one of those softball players. He was the pitcher for the Koosman Family Dentistry Sox of Peoria, Ill., and his dental practice was the team's sponsor. The 58-year-old had mesh home and away uniforms made for the team. The Sox won the Wednesday night Peoria County B-League in 1984, with Koosman going 18-3 with a 22.54 ERA. His team gave him the "Best Molars" award and he bought more pitchers of beer at Spike's Deep Dish after games than anyone else on the team. He hit 64 doubles on the season, all to the same gap between the third and fourth outfielders. He jogged on the bases pretty fast despite two bum knees. All these things made him an obvious choice for the 1984 Donruss Softball Heroes subset.

Jerry Koosman, 1984 Donruss

Heathcliff Slocumb, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Heathcliff Slocumb
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Closer
Value of card: Great vengeance
Key 1997 stat: Furious anger
Anger management: Some men have a short fuse. Heathcliff Slocumb made those men look like Gandhi. So how irate was he?

• He once punched a pizza delivery guy for giving him too much change.
• He snarled more than Cujo.
• He had to buy new dentures every six months because he constantly ground his teeth together.
• He charged the mound — during batting practice.
• He pounded the strike zone.
• One time, he even put Robin Ventura in a headlock. No, wait, that was somebody else.

Heathcliff Slocumb, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Gary Carter, 1985 Topps Traded

Name: Gary Carter
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two tickets to the gun show
Key 1984 stat: 365 muscle shirts worn
Help us decide: What should we call Gary Carter's hairstyle? Vote now!

A) The Amazin' Mulletfro
B) Rocky Raccoon
C) The Sliding Wig
D) The Chia Pet
E) The Big Denial
F) The Fivehead Shrub
G) Keith Hernandez
H) Nothing In The Front, Party In The Back

Gary Carter, 1985 Topps Traded

Edgar Martinez, 1996 Upper Deck Special Report

Name: Edgar Martinez
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Half a frequent flier mile
Key 1995 stat: Five minutes wearing a glove
Breaking news: For its 1996 set, Upper Deck decided it was time to update the baseball-card-buying public on the effect Edgar Martinez was having on the world. It also decided 17 different fonts were needed to present its findings. Among the more impressive discoveries:

• Mexico was losing 12 gallons of tequila a month to Martinez's voracious thirst.
• Canada's ozone layer was being depleted because of his flatulence, which drifted north.
• Puerto Ricans started eating an average of five more pounds of food a week once Martinez came to the United States.
• Seattle's Kingdome had to be structurally reinforced in case Martinez ever had to dive for anything.
• The rare boneless pig was forced to the edge of extinction once Edgar discovered the McRib.
• Japan's top three sources of entertainment were Hello Kitty, the Power Rangers and Martinez's belly.
• The world's supply of barbecue sauce dropped exponentially for every pound Edgar put on.
• People on the East Coast of the U.S. realized for the first time that Seattle had a baseball team.

Edgar Martinez, 1996 Upper Deck Special Report

Walter Johnson, 1983 Donruss Hall of Fame Heroes

Name: Walter Johnson

Team: Washington Senators

Position: Ace

Key 1918 stat: 158 complete games

Key 1982 stat: Dead

10 things you might not know about Walter Johnson:

10) He chewed an entire can of chewing tobacco at once, at all times.

9) Because he pitched from 1907 to 1927, it makes sense to make him look 147 on this card.

8) His hat had no brim; his head, no hair.

7) He played baseball in a bountiful land of no buildings.

6) He nicknamed his bulge the Roaring 20, then changed it to Walter Johnson Jr.

5) He had as many chins as years played.

4) Part man, part horse, all mean.

3) Career numbers: 5,712 complete games, 1.4 million innings pitched, dead at 39.

2) He wore your mother's bed sheets as his uniform.

1) His fastball caused the Great Depression.

Walter Johnson, 1983 Donruss Hall of Fame Heroes

Rickey Jackson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (Football Friday No. 67)

Name: Rickey Jackson

Team: Team Gatorade

Position: Linebacker

Value of card: 4 ounces of warm Gatorade

Key 1994 stat: Huh-huh, Football Friday No. 69

Script from Gatorade TV commercial, circa 1994: "What's up, mother(expletives)! This is Rickey Jackson. (Zoom to close-up of Jackson's anger-filled face, spit flying out of his mouth.) Who am I? Don't ask (expletive) questions! All you need to know is one thing: Drink (expletive) Gatorade. That's right. Drink (expletive) Gatorade. It tastes good. It's wet. It's full of mother(expletive) electrolytes! It's (expletive) delicious. That's right, delicious. Look at my awesome mother(expletive) hat. I'd bathe my mother in this mother(expletive) beverage. I'd drink it all (expletive) day if I could. You saying I won't? Watch me, mother(expletives)! (Cut to shot of Jackson pouring Gatorade all over his face, then cut to another close-up of his anger-filled face.) Gatorade, it's better than me kicking your mother(expletive) (expletive)!"

Rickey Jackson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (Football Friday No. 67)

Mike Schmidt, 1986 Fleer Baseball's Best

Name: Mike Schmidt

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Position: Third base

Value of card: The "best" price for collectors: Nothing

Key 1985 stat: Apparently, a slightly-above-average .266 batting average

Best of the rest: Slugger. Gold Glove third baseman. Perennial All-Star. Hall of Famer. Mike Schmidt was a legend on the field, but it was still a bit puzzling when Fleer selected him to be part of the Baseball's Best subset in 1986. Schmidt was getting up there in years, and wasn't hitting as many home runs as he once did. His batting average? As the card says, .266. Nothing "best" about that. Best stirrups? Maybe, but other players looked good in them, too. Mustache? Probably not. So what was it? Take another look at the card. Yup, it's obvious now, isn't it? Mike Schmidt: Baseball's Best Butt for a 37-year-old in a Baby-Blue Body Suit. Good call, Fleer.

Mike Schmidt, 1986 Fleer Baseball's Best

Turk Wendell, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Turk Wendell

Team: Chicago Cubs

Value of card: Not as high as Wendell

Key 1993 stat: 36-inch vertical leap

Top 10 descriptions of how high Turk Wendell is:

10) Remember the last time you 'shroomed? He's higher than that.

9) He's approximately 14 times as high as his mullet is long.

8) High enough to brush his teeth between innings.

7) He had enough time in the air to come up with the name "Turk."

6) This high: "Whoa, bro. How'd I get up here?"

5) High enough to think the illustration of the pitcher in the bottom-left corner is a real person.

4) He was literally in the Upper Deck.

3) As high as his invisible surfboard would take him.

2) High enough to believe the baseline is made of anthrax.

1) One answer: Check out those high-tops.

Turk Wendell, 1994 Upper Deck

Jim Abbott, 1993 Upper Deck Community Heroes

Name: Jim Abbott
Team: California Angels
Positions: Pitcher, babysitter
Value of card: One worthless autograph
Key 1992 stat: 1,952 children insulted
Top 10 most incredible things about this card:

10) Jim Abbott's utter disdain for all the children around him
9) That red-headed kid's shirt
8) That red-headed kid's haircut
7) That kid in the foreground's haircut
6) The dude in the sunglasses
5) Seriously, who is that guy?
4) The fact that Upper Deck thought Jim Abbott's name was Checklist
3) Jim Abbott's mullet
2) Jim Abbott's mullet
1) Jim Abbott's freaking mullet

Jim Abbott, 1993 Upper Deck Community Heroes

Frank Viola, 1991 Score K-Man

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 K
Key 1990 stat: 3 million blue lasers shot from his backside
Here's a question: What does the K in K-Man stand for?

A) Ketchup
B) Kazoo
C) Keister
D) Kama Sutra
E) Kung fu
F) Kall of the above

Frank Viola, 1991 Score K-Man

Rick Cerone, 1982 Topps

Name: Rick Cerone
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: Catcher, construction worker
Value of card: Two metal shavings in your eye
Key 1981 stat: Half a ton of drywall installed
Cruel and unusual punishment: The New York Yankees were disappointed after losing the 1981 World Series, wanting nothing more than to take the winter off and regroup. Owner George Steinbrenner had other plans. The Boss marched into the locker room after the deciding Game 6 and ordered all players to report the next morning, when they would begin to renovate Yankee Stadium — by themselves. For the next three months, sluggers swung sledge hammers instead of bats, pitchers placed flooring instead of fastballs and speedsters ran cable instead of basepaths. Above we see catcher Rick Cerone preparing to install a drainage pipe in the outfield. By spring training, the players were so bruised and worn they couldn't even practice, and slogged to a sub-.500 record in 1982. Cerone quit the team to begin an apprenticeship as a plumber.

Rick Cerone, 1982 Topps