Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Score All-Star Team

Name: Dennis Eckersley
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Closer
Value of card: Even trade for Bazooka Joe comic, circa 1992, wrapped around chewed gum
Key 1991 stat: 42,312 brush strokes (huh-huh)
What a work of art: His mustache, luxurious. His mullet's gleam, blinding. His Eddie Bauer style, legendary even at Yanni concerts. Dennis Eckersley was the portrait of class on and off the field in the late 1980s and early 1990s, which is why he made such a graceful subject of a self-portrait. The Hall of Famer composed the painting on the above card, getting lost in a painstaking attention to detail and a rigid adherence to a truthful depiction of his physical features. As you can see, Eckersley's chin has a phallic shape and protrudes a few feet from his face, just as it did in real life. He wears pillow cases tied with twine around his feet and his legs are shorter than his arms. All documented facts. He has elephantiasis of the cheekbones and a head bigger than his torso. Also, he craps stars. The one thing Eckersley forgot to include in this esteemed artwork: the eight tentacles found in his octopus bulge.

Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Score All-Star Team

Ken Phelps, 1990 Bowman

Name: Ken Phelps
Team: Oakland A's
Position: First base
Value of card: Tough to see it being worth anything
Key 1989 stat: Two eyeballs (Look close, they're big and back there.)
Clearing up some rumors about Ken Phelps:

• Phelps didn't protect his eyes from the sun. He protected the sun from his eyes.
• Phelps didn't wear aviator sunglasses. People who flew planes wore Keniator sunglasses.
• Phelps' jersey wasn't mesh. He didn't mesh with anyone.
• Phelps didn't grow a mustache. He kept his pine tar above the lip.
• Phelps didn't wear sunglasses for style. He was blind. Shame on you.

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp.com.

Ken Phelps, 1990 Bowman

Chris Gambs, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Chris Gambs
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A VHS tape with a couple "Cosby Show" episodes on it
Key 1990 stat: Went from one-hitter to one-hit wonder
Giants's scouting report on top draft pick Chris Gambs, aka Rob Van Winkle: "Keeps greeting everyone by saying, 'Yo, VIP!' ... Insists on stopping, collaborating and listening. ... Says he'll glow if we turn off the lights. ... Seems very motivated, saying, 'Anything less than the best is a felony.' ... Promises that if there's a problem, he'll solve it. ... Must believe in his curveball, as he keeps telling us to check out his 'hook' while the 'DJ' revolves it."

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com.

Chris Gambs, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Kevin Belcher, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 16)

Name: Kevin Belcher
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Everything's bigger in Texas, except for this card's value
Key 1990 stat: Seven hairs in mustache
Belcher's thoughts, in rhythm with the piss-poor music in his head, from 9:14 to 9:16 a.m. April 6, 1991: "No, I won't pose with a bat. No, I won't pose with a glove. No, I won't pretend I'm playing the game I love. I'm in the studio, baby. Just where I belong, giving it to my fans with a seven-hair mustache and a Texas Rangers thong. I rock hot bling like this gum-ball machine necklace, but don't mess, 'cause I got a Franklin batting glove knuckle sandwich to express my progress. I'm soon to be a household name, with more game, I claim, than both the Parker Brothers and all that Monopoly fame. What's that, Tex? You like these specs? You best recognize that clowning these eyes is unwise unless you got mad hoes and will never oppose my high school senior portrait pose. Hand on chin? Yeah, I'll do it again. Word to your mother. Now, take the picture, my Studio brother."

Kevin Belcher, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 16)

Noah Jackson, 1979 Topps (Football Friday No. 83)

Name: Noah Jackson
Team: Chicago Bears
Positions: Guard, ark builder
Value of card: The gristle and fat left over from Jackson's mid-afternoon steak
Key 1978 stat: One male, one female of each species, two by two
10 things on Noah Jackson's ark:
10) Two elephants with heads the same size as Noah's
9) Giant, sweaty, hairy men, two by two
8) 11 bears on offense, 11 on defense
7) Type 2 diabetes
6) The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
5) Two giant pandas, two woodpeckers, one steamy night, one bad joke
4) One flat top. Just one.
3) One female grizzly bear, one Noah Jackson
2) A dove and an olive branch (tangled in Noah's beard)
1) After dinner, three fewer species

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Noah Jackson, 1979 Topps (Football Friday No. 83)

Ruben Sierra, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Ruben Sierra
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Sand
Key 1990 stat: Six tones of red
Clearing up some rumors about Ruben Sierra:

• Ruben Sierra did not huff his own bat. He only huffed glue.
• He did not wear a badge bigger than his head. Few things were bigger than his head.
• He did not play in Arizona, the only U.S. state with saguaros.
• He was not the star of "Dune." He just wished he was.
• Smoke from the things he burned did not turn into clouds. Usually.
• His pants did not have more wrinkles than Betty White's face.

Ruben Sierra, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Fernando Gonzalez, 1980 Topps

Name: Fernando Gonzalez

Team: San Diego Padres

Position: Second base

Value of card: The smell one imagines coming from the colors of the 1980 Padres uniforms

Key 1979 stat: One unrecognizable signature

10 things that Gonzalez's signature could say:

10) Fabulous Mustache

9) Facial hair Tragedy

8) Feces-colored Jersey

7) Telemundo 8 channel

6) Feathers of Sick bird

5) (Expletive) you, Topps

4) It clearly says Fernando Gonzalez, only it's backwards and upside down

3) Not sure; it's Arabic

2) Fernando Valenzuela

1) Feiumdo Trgaly (just look)

Fernando Gonzalez, 1980 Topps

John Mabry, 1995 Upper Deck

Name: John Mabry

Team: St. Louis Cardinals (we think)

Position: Outfield

Value of card: A little misplaced green

Key 1994 stat: One mismatched uniform

Time for a uniform-optional pop quiz:

Why was John Mabry wearing a green hat in this photo?

(A) He was told he would be playing for the St. Louis Parrots.

(B) It was the hat used to designate the Cardinal who was the worst at using two hands to catch flyballs.
(C) He wanted to stand out from all the generic white ballplayers in red hats.
(D) It was taken on St. Patrick's Day, and he was as drunk as an Irish sailor at a whiskey convention.
(E) All of the above.

John Mabry, 1995 Upper Deck

Mike Smithson, 1985 Topps

Name: Mike
Sweatson Smithson

Team: Minnesota Twins

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Coupon for one load of laundry at Soap's-for-Dopes in Minneapolis

Key 1984 stat: Three shirts worn, three shirts sweat through

Pit fighter: Mike Smithson played for the Twins, and, fittingly, he always had matching armpit stains. It wasn't the pressure that got to him, it was the heat. Though the Twin Cities area was cold to mild most of the year, Smithson would layer on shirt after shirt until St. Paul felt like the Sahara. Was a red undershirt enough? Not a chance. How about adding a long-sleeved blue shirt? Nope, not profusely sweating yet. How about a Twins T-shirt, instead of a Twins uniform that breathes better? Perfect. Now the pits are sopping wet. So how did a pitcher who perspired so much make it through a game? He mopped up the slop with his 'stache, of course.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Mike Smithson, 1985 Topps

Brady Anderson, 1989 Donruss

Name: Brady Anderson
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One restraining order
Key 1988 stat: 1,469 heckles taken
Obsession gone wrong: In 1988, Brady Anderson and Curt Schilling were traded from Boston to the Baltimore Orioles for pitcher Mike "The Bodd" Boddicker. The trade is regarded as one of the worst in Boston history, but it was Orioles fan Jason Meyer, pictured directly behind Anderson, who was most deeply affected. Meyer, a lifelong Baltimore resident and "The Bodd's" biggest fan, took the transaction personally. Knowing he could never root for the rival Red Sox, Meyer burned his Mike Boddicker bedsheets, shredded every piece of his Mike Boddicker stationery and smashed into little bits his self-made Mike Boddicker marble statue. A heartbroken Meyer's man-love turned into loathing for Anderson and Schilling, and while the latter spent most of the 1988 season in the minors, Anderson had the spiteful Meyer in his ear for 94 games. The fan-turned-heckler could often be heard disparaging the rookie's mother, screaming that the he could "never fill 'The Bodd's' jock" and questioning whether the outfielder had male or female genitalia. Shortly after this photo was taken, Meyer ran onto the field, brandishing a Boddicker-endorsed "Bodd-B-Q" barbecue fork, but was quickly tackled by security officials. He was sentenced to eight months in prison, but died in a shank fight after telling two Yankees fans that Ron "Louisiana Lightning" Guidry had in fact been raised by possums.

Brady Anderson, 1989 Donruss

Alan Zinter, 1990 Score

Name: Alan Zinter
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Blissful ignorance
Key career stat: 34 strikeouts in 78 at-bats. Yes, seriously.
New York Mets' scouting report on top draft pick Alan Zinter: "It's a good thing this guy wears a catcher's mask a lot, because he ain't exactly a looker. ... Has the potential to lead the league in chin. ... Swallows his gum. ... Says he reads at least one book a month. We didn't know there were that many 'Curious George' tales. ... All his clothes are made of mesh. His brain may be, as well. ... Threw out 60 percent of basestealers in 1989 — wait, no, that's 6.0 percent. Shoot. ... Should make a great 'player to be named later' at some point. ... Can squat with the best of 'em. ... He's a so-so hitter, but we're hoping his creepiness will force some mistakes from pitchers."

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com.

Alan Zinter, 1990 Score

Ivan Calderon, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 15)

Name: Ivan Calderon

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Left field

Value of card: 22 (not sure of what, maybe pieces of cat crap?)

Key 1990 stat: 5-inch-high flattop-afro-jheri curl combo

10 things Ivan Calderon's "22" earring may stand for:

10) The number of inches down his shirt his V-neck ends.

9) The degree to which his left eye is off-center when compared with his right eye.

8) Pounds of hair above his neck.

7) The weight of his neck rolls, in kilograms.

6) Hours, in a given day, he spends perfecting his flattop-afro-jheri curl combo.

5) The rank of his beard on the Studio Beard Top 50 List of 1991.

4) The number of consecutive minutes spent staring at the camera during this photo shoot.

3) Days' worth of collected earwax it took to create the earring.

2) The circumference, in nautical miles, of his head.

1) A catch.

Ivan Calderon, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 15)

Rick Mirer, 1993 Upper Deck checklist (Football Friday No. 82)

Name: Rick Mirer
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One torn canvas
Key 1993 stat: No good impressions
Here's our review of this "artwork": What the hell is going on here? Is this supposed to be some sort of Monet-inspired water lily thing? And if so, then why are Mirer's head and torso clear? Trust us, we saw Rick Mirer play. There was nothing sharp about him, except the criticism he so rightly received.

Rick Mirer, 1993 Upper Deck checklist (Football Friday No. 82)

Max Venable, 1987 Topps

(Superhero) Name: Max Venable

Team: Cincinnati Reds

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Max value (3 cents)

Key 1986 stat: Zero dates

Max Venable's dating profile, circa 1987:

Screen name: MadMax69

Age: I'll whisper it in yo' ear

Height: Taller with this hat on

Weight: Half in da butt

Hair color: Dope

Hairstyle: See above

Ethnicity: Reds

Religious views: Sexual Tiger Roar

Want children? Not out of my lady's goods

Marital status: No ring, but bling-bling

Best feature: Ladies love the pencil-thin 'stache

Smoke? Foo's

Drink? Foreva

Seeking: To take it to the max with a tender young 'roni

Location: In da butt

Her body type: Bangin'

Her ethnicity: Whatever it takes to get in those draw's

About me: You need to know: I take it to the max. My muscles? Max. Also, the Venable is venerable. Little babies, look at these glasses. Imagine how I see you, draped in the finest furs, sipping sparkling wine from a box, kissing the wind. I'll take you to the field, host picnics and other crap like that. I'll even let you try on my lucky wristbands. You just have to agree to one thing: Tell me you're ready to Max out — and in. And out. And in again. Yeah, baby.

Max Venable, 1987 Topps

Doug Jones, 1994 Leaf

Name: Doug Jones
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Closer
Value of card: One dead leaf
Key 1993 stat: 1,000 strikeouts — with the ladies
What does Doug Jones stand for?

Despite appearance, was not pulled out of homeless shelter to start this game.
Once punched the Phillie Phanatic in the neck.
Unable to speak because mouth was overgrown by beard hair.
Got those Mardi Gras beads he's wearing for not taking off his shirt.

Jones' massive facial hair was considered a fire hazard.
Overgrowth didn't stop at the neck, if you know what we mean.
Nice pot belly, Doug
Enough food in that beard to feed an impoverished nation
Strawberry-flavored beard wax — don't knock it till you've tried it!

Doug Jones, 1994 Leaf

Chan Ho Park, 1994 Fleer Ultra All-Rookie Team

Name: Chan Ho Park

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: One of the paddles from "Pong," in reality (which means: nothing)

Key 1983 stat: $33 million domestic box-office haul for "Tron"

Dodgers' scouting report on All-Rookie Team selection Chan Ho Park: "Chan. Ho. Park. Chan. Ho. Park. His name alone is worth putting him on the roster. ... He can't suck nearly as bad as Jeff Bridges in "Tron." ... This guy has the tools to be a great pitcher, but we're a little worried about his video-game playing. ... He's from South Korea. The nuclear fallout behind him is from North Korea. ... Looks good on tape, but we're worried about how he would pitch outside campy 3-D. ... Strong high-arching bulge. ... Has a good arm, and, check it out, nuclear arms. ... On one hand, his last name is 'Park,' like ballpark. On the other hand, there's his middle name. ... We can expect him to follow the program, as long as the program doesn't kidnap him, insert him inside a video game, and force him to compete in gladiatorial games where his only chance of escape is with the help of a security program."

Chan Ho Park, 1994 Fleer Ultra All-Rookie Team

Juan Berenguer, 1992 Fleer

Name: Juan "The Panamanian Paunch" Berenguer
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One leftover bean burrito
Key 1991 stat: No extra room in clothes
Caution — wide load: Juan Berenguer was a little too, um, girthy to fill the narrowed vertical frame in Fleer's 1992 set. How could Fleer have better used the space at the top of this photo?

• Advertisement for Filiberto's Late-Nite Taqueria
• Bigger lettering
• A checklist for the entire set
• Another photo of Juan Berenguer
• The nutritional information of Berenguer's average lunch that season
• Detail shot of Berenguer's bulge.
• A better card design. For Christ's sake.

Juan Berenguer, 1992 Fleer

Ken Reitz, 1981 Topps

Name: Ken Reitz
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Third base
Value of card: One coupon for a mustache ride, unused
Key 1980 stat: Named McDonald Family Dentistry's customer of the month (October)
This one's for the ladies:

What is Ken Reitz's sexiest feature?

A) His devil-may-care attitude toward posing for baseball card photos
B) His devil-may-care attitude toward getting haircuts
C) Those almost-straight pearly whites
D) That collar, which can double as a rain shelter in an emergency
E) Two words: Lip warmer
F) All of the above, baby.

Ken Reitz, 1981 Topps

Ozzie Smith, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 14)

Name: Ozzie Smith

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Position: Shortstop

Value of card: Lots of hidden costs

Key 1990 stat: 14 games of hide-and-go-seek won

Time for a — Hey, where'd you go? — pop quiz:

Where's Ozzie? Wherrrrrre's Ozzie?

(A) Ozzie who? Where?

(B) I'm confused. You're talking about the card above?

(C) Not sure I see anyone around.

(D) Well, this "Ozzie" to whom you're referring must be hidden really well.

(E) I can't find him anywhere. That little guy is so good at hiding.

(F) Ozzie? Ozzzzie? Ozzzzzzzzie?

(G) Oh, there you are, precious. Were you behind that glove the whole time? Awww.

Ozzie Smith, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 14)

Jerry Rice and Joe Montana, 1990 Fleer Super Bowl MVPs (Football Friday No. 81)

Names: Jerry Rice, Joe Montana

Team: San Francisco 49ers

Positions: Wide receiver, quarterback, Hall of Famers

Value of card: Two grains of rice in the Montana back country

Key 1989 stat: One word, "Superbowl," which, of course, is two words, which is embarrassing for Fleer

A legendary edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Hall of Fame inductions (Winner: Tie)

Round 2: History of dominating without equal at chosen position (Winner: Tie)

Round 3: Command of disarming charm that works the world over (Winner: Tie)

Round 4: Perfect IQ score, achieved without looking at questions (Winner: Tie)

Round 5: Endowment of superhero powers of mind and muscle (Winner: Tie)

Round 6: Ability to walk on water (Winner: Tie)

Round 7: Status as omnipotent being (Winner: Tie)

Score: Rice 0, Montana 0, Ties 7

Synopsis: For the first time in their Earth-bound lives, Rice and Montana don't score. But how could they? They knew they were competing against each other, and chose to let the Ties get the seven points.

Jerry Rice and Joe Montana, 1990 Fleer Super Bowl MVPs (Football Friday No. 81)

Jerry Garvin, 1980 Topps

Name: Jerry Garvin
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One curly blond hair of indeterminate origin
Key 1979 stat: 472,089 steps sat on
Play that funky music white boy: It's pretty obvious Jerry Garvin is a towhead. But just how white is he?

• Jerry Garvin's so white, he's his own night light.
• He's so white, when he wasn't pitching, he was being used as third base.
• He's so white, he got a sunburn standing in front of the TV
• He's so white, he blinded half the locker room when he took off his shirt.
• He's so white, he couldn't even jump to a conclusion.
• He's so white, that's not a bandage on his middle finger, the finger's just swollen.
• Jerry Garvin's so white, Canadians urged him to get a tan.

Jerry Garvin, 1980 Topps

Mitch Webster, 1990 Topps

Name: Mitch Webster
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfielder
Value of card: One copy of Ricky Martin's "She Bangs"
Key 1989 stat: $5 haircut at Great Clips
Fun facts about Mitch Webster's haircut in the above photo:

• Yes, those bangs do go all the way up.
• It looks the same in the back as it does in the front.
• It's so crazy, it threw off the registration on the printing press.
• Mitch didn't intentionally keep his hat up at an angle. The bangs repelled all coverings.
• It's not nearly as embarrassing as the Cubs' 1990 season.
• It's covering up an enormous zit.
• He did it himself!

Mitch Webster, 1990 Topps

Barry Zito, 2002 Upper Deck Sweet Spot

Name: Barry Zito

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Pitcher, four years from being an overpaid pitcher

Value of card: The same value Zito has provided after signing a $126 million contract

Key 2002 stat: Four years from a payday

Time for a heartbreaking pop quiz for San Francisco Giants fans:

How does this card foretell the level of Bust that Barry Zito wore like a toilet seat around his neck after signing with the Giants in 2006 for $126 million over seven years?

(A) Zito's head is literally in the clouds, where it would stay for the next five years.

(B) His jersey is green: the color of money — dirty, stinking, undeserved money.
(C) The ball pictured on the left is about 6 feet off the plate.
(D) His feet are nowhere near a mound.
(E) All of the above.

Barry Zito, 2002 Upper Deck Sweet Spot

George Frazier, Tom Herr, Dan O'Brien, 1980 Topps Future Stars

Names: George Frazier, Tom Herr, Dan O'Brien
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, second base, pitcher
Value of card: A bunch of empty seats
Key 1979 stat: One future in baseball, among them
It's a Gateway City Matchup:

Round 1: Rockin' the mock turtleneck (Winner: O'Brien)
Round 2: Hairstyle resembling mustache (Winner: Frazier)
Round 3: Uber nerd glasses (Winner: O'Brien)
Round 4: Enough blond hair to make a shag carpet (Winner: Herr)
Round 5: Actual baseball talent (Winner: Herr)
Round 6: Good enough that people wanted to be seen in his photo (Winner: Herr)
Round 7: Ability to look at the camera (Winner: N/A)

Final score: Herr 3, O'Brien 2, Frazier 1

Synopsis: The term "future star" may be a bit luxurious for any of these three rookies, but just like in baseball, Herr outshines the other two schlubs in The Matchup.

George Frazier, Tom Herr, Dan O'Brien, 1980 Topps Future Stars

John Turner, 1991-92 Upper Deck NBA Draft (NBA Playoffs Week No. 7)

Name: John Turner

Team: Houston Rockets

Position: Forward

Value of card: One free suit rental at Casual Male XL

Key 1990-91 stat: Zero suits worn before this one

Rockets' scouting report on first-round pick John Turner's suit: "The burnt-orange color makes a wearer of this size look like the Looney Tunes monster. ... If the sleeves are too long on a 7-footer, they're just too goddamn long. ... Where's the tie knot? It's obscured by the massive lack of fashion sense. ... The black tie would look better without the vomit all over it. ... If only the lapels were more exaggerated, this suit might stand out. ... No pants? No problem."

John Turner, 1991-92 Upper Deck NBA Draft (NBA Playoffs Week No. 7)

Dikembe Mutombo, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (NBA Playoffs Week No. 6)

Name: Dikembe Mutombo; also, apparently, "The Warrior"

Team: Denver Nuggets

Position: Center, killer of monsters

Value of card: 12 pounds of crushed monster flesh and bone

Key 1991-92 stat: 150 racial undertones

Yes, somehow, this was OK: No, no. Nothing wrong here. Let's allow a fan to draw a semi-racist picture of Congolese NBA star and humanitarian Dikembe Mutombo fighting a bunch of monsters and then make a card of it. Let's have Mutombo wield medieval weapons but not wear pants in the picture. Let's call him "The Warrior" even though that was never, ever his nickname. Let's make the depiction look just like him. On second thought, let's make it look nothing like him. Perfect.

Dikembe Mutombo, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (NBA Playoffs Week No. 6)

Tony Brown, 1991-92 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 5)

Name: Tony Brown

Team: Utah Jazz

Position: Forward

Value of card: The saliva collected inside a trumpet

Key 1990 stat: 4 inches of shorts

Nothing to see here: When Tony Brown got hot, he got very hot. It didn't happen often, but when it did, coaches were unable to stop him. That is, until the Los Angeles Lakers' Vlade Divac figured out how to render the power forward powerless. Divac called it "Vlade's Magic Fingers"; the rest of the league called it "The Awkward Tickle." If Brown would make a few shots in a row, players would rush to him during timeouts and between possessions and try to tickle him. Upon first touch within a foot of his armpits, Brown would giggle like a stoned third-grader until he was flopping on the floor like an epileptic in a popcorn popper. Undoubtedly, Brown's hot streak would be snapped, and opposing players would have to wash the smell of 'pit sweat off their fingers, except for Divac, who relished it.

Tony Brown, 1991-92 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 5)

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 4)

Name: Shawn Kemp

Team: Seattle SuperSonics

Position: Forward (with the ladies)

Value of card: Air

Key 1990-91 stat: 62 women impregnated

Clearing up some rumors about Shawn Kemp:

• Kemp doesn't just jump high. He is high.
• Kemp had an easy time conceiving new dunks. He had an easier time conceiving with women.
• Kemp was one of many pros who knew how to create. He was, however, alone in his capacity to procreate.
• Kemp wasn't a breed all his own. His breed was common after he bred so many times.
• Kemp didn't wear short-shorts. That's a large green jock strap, baby.
• Kemp didn't have thousands of young fans cheering for him at games. Those were his kids pleading for child-support payments.

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 4)

Michael Doleac, 2002-03 Fleer Tradition (NBA Playoffs Week No. 3)

Name: Michael Doleac
Team: New York Knicks
Positions: Center, pasted in
Value of card: A dollop of sunscreen
Key 2002-03 stat: Zero photos of Doleac playing
Actual conversation between Fleer photographer and his boss, July 13, 2002:
Boss: "So, how'd the Doleac shoot go?"
Fleer photog: "Not good. When we got there, Doleac finds out he'd forgotten his team ID at home. The security guys sure as hell didn't believe him when he said he was the Knicks' new center. One of them told him to go get Ewing back. So, Doleac starts crying a little bit. I took him for ice cream, and then we found a park with a basketball court. He puts his uniform on, and we get some shots in there, but nothing that really looks good. In some of the shots, there was a dog pooping in the background. Then there were these guys who ended up mugging Doleac. They took his jersey and the basketball. He started screaming, 'Save me, Rick Majerus!' I called it a day."
Boss: "So, nothing usable?"
Photog: "Not unless you want to see dog crap, thugs and tears in the card."
Boss: "All right, never mind. We'll just Photoshop his publicity photo into one of the game shots."

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp

Michael Doleac, 2002-03 Fleer Tradition (NBA Playoffs Week No. 3)

Basketball Centennial, 1991-92 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Name: Basketball
Team: All of them
Position: Game
Value of card: A peach pit
Key 1991-92 stat: 100 years old
Fun facts about basketball as it was played 120 years ago:

• The game was played on expansive lawns, which made dribbling really tough.
• Regulation uniforms were three-button suits. Ties were worn by the road team.
• Despite the hoop being just 3 feet off the ground, white guys still couldn't dunk.
• It not only morphed into modern basketball, it also branched out to become Powerball on "American Gladiators."
• Nobody liked playing with James Naismith, so he always had to chase down his own rebounds.  
• People already thought Kobe Bryant was a jerk.

Basketball Centennial, 1991-92 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Pat Riley, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 1)

Name: Pat Riley

Team: Los Angeles Lakers

Position: Coach

Value of card: Like Riley, it looks like a million bucks

Key 1989-90 stat: 14 cameos on "L.A. Law"

Welcome to NBA Playoffs Week: The NBA playoffs are in full swing. With only four months left before the Finals are decided, we at the Bust have decided to bring you seven more days of terrible basketball cards and even worse jokes. You're welcome, America.
10 other "of the year" awards Riley won in 1990-91:

10) "$12,000 Suit of the Year"

9) "Los Angeles Stereotype of the Year"

8) "Cosa Nostra NBA Infiltrator of the Year"

7) "Aqua-Net Customer of the Year"

6) "Laker Girl Pimp of the Year"

5) "Golden, Shining, Heavenly, Magnificent Tan of the Year"

4) "Armani Catwalk Model of the Year"

3) "Alligator Skin Shoes of the Year"

2) "Alligator Skin of the Year"

1) "Cocaine of the Year"

Pat Riley, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 1)