Gary Muller, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 4)

Name: Axl Rose Gary Muller
Country: South Africa
Value of card: 1 gram of cocaine
Key 1990 stat: Four No. 1 hits
Gary Muller could be Axl Rose's twin. So, let's answer a few questions:
Relationship between Muller and tennis skills? "Estranged"
Snorting an 8-ball of cocaine before a match? "It's So Easy"
The South African's opinion of Johannesburg? "Paradise City"
Waiting for a tournament title from him? "Patience"
What did Muller say to his back-hair waxer? "Welcome to the Jungle"
Muller's nickname for his, ahem, junk: "Sweet Child O' Mine"
Ever seen Muller in action on the court? "Don't Cry"

Gary Muller, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 4)

Peanut Louie Harper, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 3)

Name: Peanut Louie Harper
Country: United States
Value of card: Four empty peanut shells
Key 1991 stat: 42,118,239,002 jokes about her name
Get ready to groan: Life's not easy for a tennis player named Peanut. But Peanut Louie Harper learned to take the crunchy with the smooth. Sure, she heard enough jokes about her name to make her nuts, but she refused to let those people turn her into a shell of her former self. They'd pour salt into the wound, but Peanut never cracked under the pressure — she just wasn't that brittle. Instead, she planted her feet, cultivated her talent and ended up roasting the competition.

Peanut Louie Harper, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 3)

Goran Prpic, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 2)

Name: Goran Prpic
Country: Yugoslavia
Value of card: Two broken VHS copies of "The Terminator"
Key 1991 stat: 4,000 buckles
We can rebuild him: Tragedy struck Yugoslavian tennis star Goran Prpic in 1986 when he was involved in a high-speed donkey cart accident, nearly costing him his leg and severing almost all the vowels from his surname. Inspired by "The Six Million Dollar Man," which had finally premiered in Yugoslavia, the nation's heads of state called in their top physicians, not just to heal Prpic, but to make him faster, stronger and better at tennis. But, being Yugoslavia, the doctors didn't have much money to work with. So, instead of being fitted with a bionic knee, Prpic was given a gigantic leg brace made of masking tape, cardboard, velcro and dog collars. And while it didn't make him any better at tennis, it did provide him with a couple extra places to store tennis balls.

Goran Prpic, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 2)

Andre Agassi, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 1)

Name: Andre Agassi
Country: United States
Value of card: 3 square inches of spandex, no more
Key 1990 stat: 67-inch mullet
Welcome to Wimbledon Week: The grass at the All England Club is green, the balls are out, the forehands are coming overhand and Dick Enberg is slurring about service and love somewhere. This can mean only one thing: It's Wimbledon Week on The Bust. For one tortuous, tennis-filled week, we'll look at some the best and worst of the early 1990s. Expect a lot of faults.
You can't spell "Agassi" without "ass": Just who did this fancy-pants toolbox think he was? What's brighter: the neon on the racquet or the neon in his wig? It must be a wig, because why else would this guy wear a secondhand tuxedo cummerbund around his head? It's nice, though, that his obnoxious pink headband matches his obnoxious pink T-shirt and his obnoxious pink spandex shorts. He wouldn't want anyone to think he was putting fashion ahead of tennis. The leather-band watch is a nice touch. It really goes well with the rest of the sporty outfit. The one thing Agassi was missing in 1991? A beard. Boom.

Andre Agassi, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 1)

Anfernee Hardaway, 1993-94 Topps From The Roof (NBA Draft Week No. 7)

Name: Anfernee Hardaway
Team: Orlando Magic
Positions: Shooting guard, small forward
Value of card: Not through the roof
Key 1992-93 stat: One rim-checked dunk miss (see above)
This card is From The Roof; 10 other less successful Topps insert series:
10) From The Toilet
9) From The XXX Movie Theater Floor
8) From The D-League
7) From The Bedroom (With Herpes)
6) From The Same Angle In "Teen Wolf"
5) From The Hole
4) From The Third Deck Seats For Which You Paid Three Days' Salary
3) From The Balls
2) From The Card Company That's Out Of Decent Ideas
1) From The Bust

Anfernee Hardaway, 1993-94 Topps From The Roof (NBA Draft Week No. 7)

Patrick Ewing, 1990-91 Skybox (NBA Draft Week No. 6)

Name: Patrick Chewing Ewing
Team: New York Knicks
Position: Center
Value of card: Dried sweat
Key 1990-91 stat: One floating hoop
Thoughts on the 1990-91 SkyBox set: The 1990-91 SkyBox set was frickin' awesome. Gone were the days of boring old basketball cards, what with the players just dribbling or passing or dunking. Now we had the future: our favorite hoops stars dribbling or passing or dunking IN FRONT OF EXCITING, COLORED GEOMETRIC SHAPES!!! Plus, the basketball was usually glowing to some extent. Hell, even white-baller all-star Kurt Rambis got fired up for that.
Thoughts on Patrick Ewing: Patrick Ewing's knees were made of glass and cardboard, as well as some sort of insulation that made him sweat constantly. It was all very unfortunate.

Patrick Ewing, 1990-91 Skybox (NBA Draft Week No. 6)

Latrell Sprewell, 1994-95 Fleer Triple Threats (NBA Draft Week No. 5)

Name: Latrell Sprewell
Team: Golden State Warriors
Position: Guard x 3
Value of card: One neck brace
Key 1994-95 stat: 11 basketballs drawn or photographed on card
Pop-a-shot quiz time:

What were Latrell Sprewell's "triple threats" during his playing days?

A) Scoring, passing, rebounding
B) Whining, bitching, moaning
C) Personal fouls, flagrant fouls, technical fouls
D) Choking, punching, cursing
E) Feeding his family, crashing his yacht, ruining his career
F) All of the above

Latrell Sprewell, 1994-95 Fleer Triple Threats (NBA Draft Week No. 5)

Tim Hardaway, 1992-93 Fleer Pro-Visions (NBA Draft Week No. 4)

Name: Tim Hardaway
Team: Golden State Warriors
Position: Point guard
Value of card: 1 ounce real 14-karat gold from Golden Gate Bridge (Note: Golden Gate Bridge not made of real gold)
Key 1991-92 stat: 47 reasons not to go on
A Golden tragedy: The Warriors were struggling through another miserable season, and it weighed on Tim Hardaway. The normally boisterous point guard was depressed. His pencil-thin mustache wasn't growing evenly and his massive black leg brace made country line dancing nearly impossible. He became so despondent, he started wearing a giant yellow headband on his left leg, which provoked concern from some of his teammates. But Hardaway told everyone he was OK. I still have my finger roll, he'd say. Then, the unimaginable happened. In a game against the Charlotte Hornets, Hardaway tried to finger roll but couldn't. His elbow wouldn't bend. The ball wouldn't flip off his fingertips. For the all-star, that was it. The next morning, Hardaway made his way from Oakland to the Golden Gate Bridge. He crossed to the midpoint, took a breath and a look at the bay waters below, and jumped, executing a perfect finger roll in the air before plunging into water nearly as deep as the depths' of Warriors fans' sorrows.

Tim Hardaway, 1992-93 Fleer Pro-Visions (NBA Draft Week No. 4)

Kevin Johnson, 1992-93 Fleer Pro-Vision (NBA Draft Week No. 3)

Name: Kevin Johnson
Team: Phoenix Suns
Position: Point guard
Value of card: Four, maybe five cacti
Key 1992-93 stat: One teammate who looked like a serial killer
Clearing up some rumors about Kevin Johnson:

• KJ did not do the robot with his free arm while dribbling. That would be ridiculous.
• KJ did not have a flaming basketball in place of his left hand. Though, that would be awesome.
• KJ did, in fact, have a tiny little mustache. It notched 200 assists in 1992-93.
• KJ did not play basketball on a football field. That would be impossible.
• KJ did not play basketball outside in Phoenix. It's, like, 130 degrees there, isn't it?
• KJ did, in fact, become mayor of Sacramento, Calif., largely thanks to the anti-Olajuwon vote.

Kevin Johnson, 1992-93 Fleer Pro-Vision (NBA Draft Week No. 3)

Dee Brown, 1991-92 Upper Deck All-Rookie Team (NBA Draft Week No. 2)

Name: Dee Brown
Team: Boston Celtics
Position: Guard
Value of card: One gold-plated trophy
Key 1990-91 stat: One-letter first name that takes three letters to spell
10 guesses why Dee Brown won that trophy:
10) Shortest shorts, ZIP code 02101
9) Gatorade Pitchman of the Month, February 1991
8) More children fathered than Shawn Kemp
7) Bringing down the hoop and post (with the appropriate tools and the help of two union workers)
6) Perfect 45-degree-angle flattop
5) All-Skinny, First Team
4) It's not a trophy; it's the Hasbro Death Star he wrapped in foil for a third-grade science project (he lost)
3) Two balls in the hoop at once (get it?)
2) Most pumps of Reebok Pumps, recorded history
1) Going blind

Dee Brown, 1991-92 Upper Deck All-Rookie Team (NBA Draft Week No. 2)

Chris Gatling, 1991-92 Upper Deck (NBA Draft Week No. 1)

Name: Chris "Gat Gun" Gatling
Team: Golden State Warriors
Position: Forward
Value of card: The air inside a basketball
Key 1990-91 stat: 6-inch biceps
Welcome to NBA Draft Week: Teams will select players — mostly junior high school students — in the NBA draft this week, allowing youngsters to flush a free college education down the toilet for a shot at a few million bucks. To celebrate such an admirable event, The Bust is bringing you a week of the best basketball cards, mostly found in a brown paper bag in our older brother's closet.
Golden State Warriors' scouting report on Chris Gatling: "With arms resembling those of a seventh-grade girl, we may need to stress a weight room regimen. ... If his fingers were an inch or 2 longer, he wouldn't have to jump to dunk. ... He was nicknamed 'Gat Gun' last year. Since then, only spins ball on index finger; no longer shoots or dribbles. ... We are the Warriors. His hero is the Ultimate Warrior. Ideal match. ... We'll need to talk to him about his penchant for hanging around Sears photo studios instead of basketball gyms."

Chris Gatling, 1991-92 Upper Deck (NBA Draft Week No. 1)

Roger Clemens, 1986 Fleer Baseball's Best

Name: Roger Clemens
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A free anger-management class
Key 1986 stat: One made-up statistic
Answer us this: What's got Roger Clemens dropping F-bombs in the above photo?

A) Fleer got his ERA wrong (2.48 in '86,  3.29 in '85).
B) The photog just asked him to pronounce Bucky Dent's name.
C) He's just suggesting a way for Dave Winfield to fill his leisure time.
D) Just got his first look at Mindy McCready.
E) 'Roids, bro. 'Roids.

Roger Clemens, 1986 Fleer Baseball's Best

John Smoltz, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 18)

Name: John Smoltz
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: One used waffle
Key 1990 stat: Zero hand moisture
Transcript from late-night Atlanta-area TV commercial circa 1990: "Hey, Braves fans, John Smoltz here. You may not know this, but when I was growing up, I suffered from hyperhidrosis — that's right, I had sweaty palms. (Cut to shot of some dripping hands.) And I know I'm not the only one. That's why I'm here today, to share my cure with you! It's the John Smoltz Rosin Bag! (Smoltz tosses a rosin bag with a picture of his face on it.) Look, I felt the shame every time I shook someone's hand, and I felt the humiliation every time I tried to ask a girl out. But no more! Thanks to the Rosin Bag, I'm as dry as a summer's day! Call now and I'll send you two John Smoltz Rosin Bags for the low, low price of $19.99. Trust me, you, too, can strike out swamp palm! (Cut to shot of dry, cracking hands.) For just $5 more, I'll throw in a third Rosin Bag. Put one in your garden and kiss those slugs goodbye! Put one in the fridge and toss that old baking soda! The Rosin Bag works anywhere! But whatever you do, Drippy Digits, make sure you keep one on hand at all times. (Smoltz winks) Get it? Call now!"

John Smoltz, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 18)

Jeff Burris, 1994 Bowman (Football Friday No. 85)

Name: Jeff Burris
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: Three blades of grass
Key 1993 stat: Four game minutes spent standing up on the field
It's time for a down-and-dirty pop quiz:

What the hell is Jeff Burris doing on the ground?

(A) Finishing up a hot date with the 30-yard line.
(B) Hiding an embarrassing, ahem, protuberance brought about by Bruce Smith's legs.
(C) Taking a bet he can't get three cleats "where the sun don't shine."
(D) Stretching ... the limits of heterosexuality.
(E) All of the above.

Jeff Burris, 1994 Bowman (Football Friday No. 85)

Jeff Bagwell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Jeff Bagwell
Team: Houston Astros
Position: First base
Value of card: Three shades of orange
Key 1991 stat: One gap between front teeth
What does Jeff Bagwell stand for?

Just flip down the sunglasses already if it's so bright you have to squint.
Every-other-day shaver in '91.
Flip shades appear to weigh 30 pounds.
Front teeth could use some work, there, buddy.

Breathing through mouth ...
Always a sign of class.
Grew a Texas-size mullet.
Went on to develop one of the nastiest goatees known to man.
Eyes eventually did open, we believe.
Leather and lumber, this guy had 'em both.
Led the league in RBI and eye black in 1994.

Card submitted by Miranda Everitt

Jeff Bagwell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Kirk Gibson, 1987 Topps Boardwalk and Baseball

Name: Kirk Gibson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: BB (one actual BB pellet)
Key 1986 stat: One 44-minute bat-rubbing session
It's time for another round of The Caption, which, we're told, ran in a Detroit-area newspaper in 1987: "Kirk Gibson ever so firmly yet passionately rubs up and down and up and down and up and down on his favorite bat, Betty My Beauty, more than 750 times at varying speeds but in an almost identical motion Thursday before the Tigers beat the White Sox, which, coincidentally, is what Gibson used to clean up the mess from his bat-rubbing session."

Card submitted by Frank Gronwald

Kirk Gibson, 1987 Topps Boardwalk and Baseball

Tony Phillips, 1992 Topps Team USA

Name: Tony Phillips

Team: USA! USA! USA!
Positions: Pitcher, patriot
Value of card: Freedom ain't free; this card is
Key 1991 stat: 50 stars on flag, zero stars on this card
Opposing team's scouting report on pitcher Tony Phillips: "This kid loves his country almost as much as he loves posing for worthless baseball cards. ... Wow! He's a master of disguise. ... Once threw a ball at a Commie. An 88-year-old Commie, but a Commie nonetheless. ... We'll need to cover up those childish rosy-red cheeks with a lot of eye black. ... Smart kid. Reps the card company on his sleeve during a photo shoot for the card company. ... Sleeps in the nude with only a star-spangled banner. ... Told a scout he's so American, he keeps a Washington Monument in his pants. ... Lathers himself in apple pie whenever he's alone. ... Will bean any opposing player who supports the metric system."

Tony Phillips, 1992 Topps Team USA

Mets Leaders, 1987 Topps

Name: Mets Leaders
Team: New York Mets
Positions: All of them
Value of card: 11 drug addicts on team
Key 1986 stats: See below
Full list of the New York Mets' 1986 team leaders:
Most curls in perm: Gary Carter
Most free stays at crappy motels: Howard Johnson
Most practical jokes by a guy with a mullet: Roger McDowell
Most appearances on "Seinfeld": Keith Hernandez
Most darling player: Ron Darling
Most alcohol binges: (Tie) Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden
Most cocaine binges: (Tie) Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden
Most crack binges: (Tie) Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden

Mets Leaders, 1987 Topps

Ellis Burks, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Ellis Burks
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 1/1,000,000th the price of a Jackson Pollock painting
Key 1990 stat: 137 paint splatters on his Diamond King
Fun facts about renowned painter Jackson Pollock and Ellis Burks:

• Pollock was known for his "splatter" paintings. Burks often "splattered" all over himself.
• Pollock was a major figure in the abstract expressionist movement. Burks preferred the bowel movement.
• Pollock died in an alcohol-related car accident. Burks' beard came about in much the same way.
• Pollock was regarded as a reclusive artist. Burks became reclusive when he saw this card.
• Pollock put much of himself in his paintings. Burks didn't have to. He already had a little Ellis in this card.

Ellis Burks, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Rick Rhoden, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Rick Rhoden
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Something much less awesome than that hat
Key 1986 stat: 1,492 people belittled
No wimps allowed: Rick Rhoden was one tough hombre. His mustache was equal parts hair and testosterone. He could pitch through anything, even a multi-colored-hail storm, as seen on the card above. But when Rhoden wasn't striking suckers out, he was knocking the crap out of the ball. And when he wasn't knocking the crap out of the ball, he was talking smack to the team's hitters. He called Sid Bream "Sissy" Bream. His verbal abuse caused R.J. Reynolds to start smoking. And in 1986, he laced into a young Barry Bonds, telling him, "You'd better take up steroids right now if you're ever going to outhit me, you little pantywaist."
Not making this up: Rhoden actually was a good hitter. With the Yankees in 1988, he started as the team's DH in one game. He went 0-for-1 with a sacrifice fly.

Rick Rhoden, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Kirk Gibson, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Kirk Gibson

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Position: Outfield

Value of card: An empty beer bottle with a paint brush in it

Key 1988 stat: Caused some guy to disbelieve what he had just seen

Fun facts that can be gleaned from this wonderful illustration:

• Kirk Gibson's nose was broken. Badly.
• His nose was so lopsided it took his mustache with it.
• Kirk Gibson apparently played for the "Dods," whoever they are. Either that or the Dad's Root Beer softball team.
• Kirk Gibson was usually getting struck by lightning.
• Kirk Gibson's neck was thicker than his head.
• This Donruss Diamond King may be the god-awfulest.

Kirk Gibson, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Willie Randolph, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Willie Randolph
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Second base
Value of card: Something I just drew
Key 1989 stat: One questionable all-star selection
Look closer: At first glance, Willie Randolph appears to be tremendously happy in this illustration, smiling as big as he can. But take a closer look. The apprehension in the eyes. The grinding teeth. The tensed Adam's apple. Willie Randolph isn't smiling with joy — he's grimacing in terror! We can only assume he just glimpsed Tommy Lasorda and Fernando Valenzuela sharing a whirlpool.

Willie Randolph, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Dave Henderson, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Dave Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Cold ramen broth
Key 1988 stat: Constantly hungry
Actual conversation between giant Dave Henderson and tiny Dave Henderson:
Tiny Hendu: "Hey, where'd my mustache go?"
Giant Hendu: "I'm going to eat you!"
TH: "Holy Jeebus, it's a giant me!"
GH: "Here I come, comin' to eat you!"
TH: "Ah, crap. Maybe I can blend into the background? Um, never mind. Christ, there are enough colors there to make Skittles. ... Wait, maybe ... (Scurries around behind Giant Hendu). Hey, over here, dummy!"
GH: (Turns around, facing hideous background) "Arrrrrrggghh! Hendu's eyes — burning! Can't see! Blinded by multi-colored arrows! Arrrghhh!" (Trips and falls)
TH: (Stabs tiny bat into Giant Hendu's eye, killing him) "Take that, you big freak! You ain't gonna eat nothin'! ... And give me back my mustache!"

Dave Henderson, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Fred McGriff, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Fred McGriff
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Positions: First base, crime stopper
Value of card: Three paint chips, the poison kind
Key 1988 stat: 14-inch neck
Time for a god-awful Diamond Kings pop quiz:

Why was Fred McGriff given the nickname "The Crime Dog"?

(A) Because the Tom Emanski commercial on ESPN for two decades is so bad it's criminal.
(B) He was mistaken for his TV star brother.
(C) He once ate manager Cito Gaston's garbage when left alone in his office.
(D) Imagine floppy ears on the card above and get rid of the mustache and he'd look like a basset hound.
(E) All of the above.

Fred McGriff, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Tommy John, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: Pitcher, surgery name
Value of card: Zero diamonds
Key 1987 stat: 10 surgeries
It's that time again: Last year, we here at The Bust brought you Atrocious Diamond Kings Week. The response was so huge — we got at least a dozen hits that week — we decided to bring it back in 2011, with a bunch of not-so-fresh faces. So, grab your pine tar and get ready to smear it all over your computer screen when you see a new "god-awful" Diamond King each day this week.

10 kinds of surgery Tommy John should have gone through, as indicated by this card:
10) Life-saving surgery to remove the giant growth protruding from his neck
9) Tattoo-removal surgery to get rid of the inked-on pinstripes on his chest
8) Dental surgery to give him a few more on the left side of his mouth
7) Hat surgery, because something needs to be done about that
6) Skin surgery to give him even pigmentation, rather than the color wheel seen above
5) Brain surgery to cure the epilepsy given to anyone, including himself, who saw the rainbow behind him
4) Plastic surgery to add 11 more wrinkles to the right side of his face, to even out the sides
3) Experimental surgery to remove his tiny Siamese twin brother from his shoulder
2) Not so much a surgical operation, but more of a haircut to get rid of those hideous bangs
1) Tommy John surgery to remove him from this god-awful Diamond King

Tommy John, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Rod Pedraza, Phil Scneider, 1995 Topps On Deck

Names: Rod Pedraza, Phil Schneider
Team: Colorado Rockies
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: A tar-coated penny
Key 1994 stat: 10,319 stares
It's go time: These guys weren't very good competitors in Colorado, but let's see how they fare in ... The Matchup!

Round 1: Inexplicable rage (Winner: Schneider)
Round 2: Inexplicable facial hair (Winner: Pedraza)
Round 3: Gold chain purchased from a gumball machine (Winner: Schneider)
Round 4: Look of bewilderment (Winner: Pedraza)
Round 5: Eventual games pitched in the majors (Winner: Tied at zero)
Round 6: Eventual career as a closer in Japanese pro baseball (Winner: Pedraza)
Round 7: Jug-handle ears (Winner: Pedraza)

Final score: Pedraza 4, Schneider 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Rod Pedraza didn't have to look overseas to find success in The Matchup. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to run before anger-management-challenged Phil Schneider shows up and kicks our ass.

Rod Pedraza, Phil Scneider, 1995 Topps On Deck

Tom Lasorda, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 17)

Name: Tom "Tommy" Lasorda
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Manager, wiping sauce off chin
Value of card: 30 checkmarks
Key 1990 stat: 5,004 cannolis eaten
Tommy Lasorda's thoughts on some of the players listed on this checklist: "Kirby Puckett — good guy. Me, him and Kruk once had a hot dog eating contest during the all-star break. Kruk won, but I gave him a run. ... Jesse Barfield — name sounds like what I did after the hot dog contest. ... Hensley Meulens — what is that, a car? ... Jose Canseco — put on a damn shirt already, you pansy. ... Dennis Eckersley — when we beat the A's in the Series, Eck had to make all the fettuccine alfredo I could eat. Long-haired freak had to make a looooot of fettuccine. ... Rick Honeycutt — name sounds like honey-baked ham. He's alright in my book. ... Mark McGwire — as American as apple pie. Mmm, pie. ... Ken Griffey Jr. — he'll never be half the player his dad was. ... Randy Johnson — screw this, I'm hungry. Where'd those cannolis go?"

Tom Lasorda, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 17)

Tim Brown, 1991 Fleer (Football Friday No. 84)

Name: Tim Brown
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Used charcoal
Key 1991 stat: 75,201 yawns
Catch this pop quiz:

What's the deal here?

A) Hey, nothing goes together better than green and gray.
B) This photo was taken in the middle of a fog bank.
C) The background is meant to be symbolic of the always-excitable Art Shell.
D) Congratulations, you've now seen the world's most boring football card.
E) All of the above.

Tim Brown, 1991 Fleer (Football Friday No. 84)

Eric King, 1990 Bowman

Name: Eric King
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's not worth a crap
Key 1989 stat: One disgusting pregame ritual
Eric King's train of thought from 1:03 to 1:05 p.m. June 14, 1989: "Oh, man. Oh man oh man oh man. I need to go. I need to go so bad. I can't believe Coach made me come out of the clubhouse before I finished my pregame ritual. I had to pinch it off. This isn't healthy. Why didn't I read the sign behind me? 'Take a dump before game.' Well, no turning back now. My teammates are batting. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. Maybe if I reposition myself on this bench and clutch this lineup card. Ugh. No, this isn't working. Oh, man. It's happening. It's all bad. It's terrible. Oh no, it won't stop. White Sox? Sure. But definitely not white undies. Three outs? Oh, no."

Eric King, 1990 Bowman

Bob Hamelin, 1990 Bowman

Name: Bob Hamelin
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: Designated hitter, first base
Value of card: A cassette tape of Dee-Lite's "Groove is in the Heart"
Key 1990 stat: 17 cows tipped
He's earned this: Bob Hamelin may look like a big ol' slack-jawed country bumpkin in this photo, but in 1994, he was the American League rookie of the year. (No, really! We didn't remember, either.) Here are a handful of less important yet equally forgotten awards Big Bob has won:

• Boy Scout of the Month, Troop No. 1399, April 1980
• Hairiest arms at Buffalo Bill's Tequila Shooter Night, Kansas City, Mo., Aug. 13, 2001
• Student of the week, Mrs. Evans' third-grade remedial English class, Feb. 3-10, 1974
• Employee of the month, Beef n' Brawn strip club, November 2000
• Worst Sophomore Slump, American League, 1995 (.168 batting average)

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp.com.

Bob Hamelin, 1990 Bowman