Dan Saleaumua, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 7)

Name: Dan Saleaumua
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Defensive tackle, pro wrestler
Value of card: One muscle shirt, used
Key 1991 stat: 72,919 grunts
Opponents' scouting report on Kansas City Chiefs defensive tackle Dan Saleaumua: "He went to Arizona State, so if you're going to talk smack to him, you'll have to speak slowly. ... He'll wear as many pairs of short-shorts as it takes to get the job done. ... His intensity is off the charts. Either that, or he could use a laxative. ... Once power-lifted a donkey. ... Known to keep a pork sandwich in his armbands. ... Lack of bulge is disconcerting. ... We could almost take him seriously if it wasn't for that mustache. ... Even though his heritage is Samoan, he ignored all calls to do the Humpty Hump."

Dan Saleaumua, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 7)

Kevin Porter, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 6)

Name: Kevin Porter
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Defensive back, offensive front
Value of card: 25 cents for vending machine plastic earring
Key 1990 stat: Zero sleeves worn, 11 straight months
Conversation between Porter and Pro Line photographer, Aug. 14, 1991:
Pro Line photographer: Hey, good to meet you, Kevin. We'll do this quick.
Kevin Porter: No, no. Take your time. I want to look as fly as possible.
PLP: Sounds good. Why don't you take off that sweatsuit and get into a jersey and football pants.
KP: I have a better idea. Boo-ya!
(Porter rips off first layer of clothing to expose full spandex outfit.
PLP: Ummmmm. I wasn't expecting that. OK, you want to take some action shots?
KP: I have a better idea.
(Porter sits down, spread-eagle, busting from his spandex.)
PLP: I don't think this will work. Kids are going to be looking at this card, man.
KP: So?
PLP: So, you're exposing your junk and your outfit is ridiculous.
KP: (through tears) You take that back.
PLP: OK, OK. Your outfit is radical, dude. But let's do something about the indecent exposure case you're working on.
KP: You want me to put my hands over it? (Points to crotch.)
PLP: No. Instead, let's just make it three balls.

Kevin Porter, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 6)

Nick Lowery, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 5)

Name: Nick Lowery
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Kicker, sock model
Value of card: Anything more than 2 cents would be a stretch
Key 1990 stat: 14 people blinded by pasty-white thighs
Transcript of Hanes tube socks commercial, circa 1990: "Hello, sports fans. Nick Lowery here, and I know you're going to get a kick out of Hanes' new tube socks. (Cut from stand-up shot of Lowery to him kicking a package of tube socks between uprights.) The good people at Hanes are experts when it comes to comforting your tootsies. Trust me. I depend on my feet for everything, from walking to the neighborhood leg shaver to creeping out my teammates with my stretches to putting the old pigskin between two phallic-looking pieces of steel. (Cut to shot of Lowery walking on the field in skin-tight short-shorts and knee-high socks.) I know what it takes to keep feet happy, and Hanes is certainly staying on its toes, so to speak, with its latest tube socks. Take it from me, a guy who has his kicks for a living: If you don't have Hanes tube socks on your feet, you've probably resorted to stuffing Hanes tube socks down your pants."

Nick Lowery, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 5)

Al Toon, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 4)

Name: Al Toon
Team: New York Jets
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Under par, but in a bad way
Key 1990 stat: He'll take a mulligan
Toon's scorecard for his golf round, June 14, 1990:
Hole No. 1: 6 (inches cut off his sleeves)
Hole No. 2: 5 (hours staring at nothing)
Hole No. 3: 4 (minutes arranging what he referred to as "the front nine")
Hole No. 4: 16 (inches of socks when unfurled)
Hole No. 5: 7 (insults about outfit yelled by playing partner)
Hole No. 6: 5 (jokes about "holes")
Hole No. 7: 4 ('toons watched in the clubhouse by Toon)
Hole No. 8: 2 (pairs of shorts, which is one too many)
Hole No. 9: 7 (length, in inches, of spandex shorts)
Hole No. 10: 3 (haircuts a week to keep flattop looking so smooth)
Hole No. 11: 6 (minutes on the course before Toon changed into this outfit)
Hole No. 12: 5 (ounces of sweat squeezed from wristband)
Hole No. 13: 2 (caddies blinded from the shine from Toon's legs)
Hole No. 14: 5 (references to working on his "putts")
Hole No. 15: 4 (childhoods scarred by this card)
Hole No. 16: 3 (birdies, shoved down his pants)
Hole No. 17: 2 ("huevos" displayed for the world to see)
Hole No. 18: 1 (of the most ridiculous bulges ever photographed)

Al Toon, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 4)

Mel Blount, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 3)

Name: Mel Blount
Teams: Steelers (retired), nerd cowboys (current)
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: That bow tie
Key 1991 stat: One really bad idea
Choose a different adventure: You are Mel Blount, Hall of Fame cornerback with the Pittsburgh Steelers. As the current director of player relations for the NFL, you have been invited to take part in a league-sanctioned set of sports cards intended to show what football players look like off the field. This is a chance for the league to show how normal its athletes and representatives are while they have fun and look cool (well, for the early '90s). The photographer for these "Pro Line Portraits" offers you three options for your photo shoot:

• To drag out the badass old Steelers uniform that you wore while making so many receivers bleed, click here.
• To dress like a normal damn person, click here.
• To wear a cowboy hat, a stupid red bow tie, pleated jeans and the largest, shiniest belt buckle you own so you can go stand in a field while holding a football and putting on the same thoughtful expression as your horse, click here. 

Mel Blount, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 3)

Eugene Robinson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 2)

Name: Eugene Robinson
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Positions: Safety, Oakley Blades spokesman, saxophone player, foot model, tease
Value of card: As many cents as stripes on his pants
Key 1990 stat: 22 times mistaken for this man
10 reasons this is the greatest football card of all time. Of all time:
10) His fingernails are longer than a dope fiend's.
9) Shoes? Shoes? Not when your feet are this pretty.
8) He somehow makes wristbands look explicitly feminine.
7) He's wearing more ridiculous Zubaz than even the Nigerian Nightmare.
6) Oakley Blades weren't enough. He needed bright yellow Oakley Blades.
5) His shadow almost looks embarrassed about this outfit.
4) He's standing like a ballerina.
3) He flexed his ab muscles and his shirt exploded.
2) The instrument hanging around his neck.
1) The instrument winding its way down his left leg.

Eugene Robinson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 2)

Tom Newberry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 1)

Name: Tom Newberry
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: One hair peninsula
Key 1991 stat: Zero dates


It's lockout fever: With rumors swirling that the NFL lockout is about to be, well, unlocked, we here at the Bust thought we'd bring you a week of hilarious writing. But why start now? Instead, this week will be dedicated to the most ridiculous set of football cards known to mankind: the 1991 Pro Line Portraits. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to start studying for a fantasy football draft we worried might not happen.

Tom Newberry's dating profile, circa 1991:


Screen name: RamIt66
Age: 29
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 285 lbs. of raw steel
Hair: A peninsula of passion
Ethnicity: Midwestern
Want children? What, more?
Relationship status: I'm on good terms with Jim Everett
Best feature: Designer sweatpants
Smoke? The L.A. air is bad enough
Drink? Only when Dickerson spikes the Gatorade

Seeking: Ramming it
Location: Anywhere you can ram it
Her height: Ram
Her weight: It
Her ethnicity: Ram-anian

About me: Hi ladies. I'd like to tell you about a cause that's close to my heart: Ramming it. A few years ago, My Los Angeles Ram teammates and I made a hit music video called "Let's Ram It" — you may have seen me starring in the background. And while some people said that 5 1/2 minutes was painfully too long and that it lacked "good choreography," neither of those criticisms hits the point. The point is: Let's ram it! There are millions of people in this world each night who aren't able to ram it. College students, middle-aged professionals, senior citizens — all without the opportunity to ram it. Ladies, it's time to do your part. Drop me a line, and I'll show you how you can help the less fortunate — including myself — ram it like they've never rammed it before.

Tom Newberry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 1)

Lonnie Smith, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Lonnie Smith
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Outfielder, maimer of Brian Harper
Value of card: Free massage — from that creepy guy at your office
Key 1991 stat: One count of assault during the World Series
It's a very painful Matchup, featuring Lonnie Smith and Twins catcher Brian Harper:

Round 1: Chaw swallowed on this play (Winner: Smith)
Round 2: Teeth swallowed on this play (Winner: Harper)
Round 3: Judo neck chop (Winner: Smith)
Round 4: Body shape most like a catcher's (Winner: Smith)
Round 5: Pain (Winner: Harper. Or does that make him the loser?)
Round 6: "Gold" chain bought at gas station (Winner: Smith)
Round 7: Ability to hold on to the ball despite getting creamed (Winner: Harper — Smith was out)

Final score: Smith 4, Harper 3

Synopsis: Lonnie Smith might not have scored the run or won the Series, but he takes home a belated victory, turning Brian Harper into Buster Posey in this Matchup.

Lonnie Smith, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Fred McGriff, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 21)

Name: Fred McGriff
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: First base
Value of card: Three splinters
Key 1990 stat: One DL stint with sprained index finger
Fred McGriff's train of thought during this photo shoot, from 3:50 to 3:53 p.m., Jan. 30, 1991:  "Crime Dog? I could take that McGruff in a fight anytime. ... How dare the Jays trade me for Joe Carter? Like he'll ever do anything memorable. ... This bat's getting kind of heavy. ... I hope my forehead doesn't look too big. ... This card's going to be in black and white? It's a good thing I wore my white gold chain. ... God, how many shots does this guy have to take? My finger's starting to hurt. ... Crap. I forgot to comb my mustache this morning! ... You know, that Chicken guy was right. This mesh is both comfortable AND stylish! ... Man, I knew Gwynn was chubby, but I've never seen a man eat two dozen tacos before. ... That's it. I'm gonna give this photographer a different finger."

Fred McGriff, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 21)

Rodney Culver, 1992 Wild Card Stat Smashers (Football Friday No. 88)

Name: Rodney Culver
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Running back
Value of card: Five metal shavings (under fingernails)
Key 1992 stat: 18,102 epileptic fits caused by this card
U-G-L-Y, this ain't got no alibi: Who the hell designed this card?

A) A 7-year-old with ADD who's really into things that are metallic
B) An art student dropout with ADD who's really into things that are metallic
C) A Colts fan with ADD who's really into things that are metallic
D) Jeff George
E) All of the above, and all at the same time

Rodney Culver, 1992 Wild Card Stat Smashers (Football Friday No. 88)

Kevin Belcher, 1991 Donruss

Name: Kevin Belcher (unfortunately)
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A shot of Dr Pepper
Key 1990 stat: No more than 25 percent of forearm exposed at any time
Rangers scouting report on rookie Kevin Belcher: "Loves to roll up his short sleeves exactly one time. We're not sure why. ... Spent his entire signing bonus on wristbands. ... Give him a couple cans of Cherry Coke and he'll live up to his name for the next half-hour. ... Calls his glasses his 'eye covers.' Yeah, we don't know, either. ... Has started an R&B cover group called Belch Biv DeVoe. They're not very good."

Kevin Belcher, 1991 Donruss

Paul Gibson, 1990 Topps

Name: Paul Gibson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Paul Gibson's lunch money
Key 1989 stat: 12-inch-tall waistband
Top 10 things teammates forced Paul Gibson to eat in 1990:

10) Pine tar (by Alan Trammell)
9) A catcher's mitt (by Jack Morris)
8) Unwashed jocks (by all teammates)
7) A lemon (by Chet Lemon, of course)
6) Paste (by Paul Gibson. Wait...)
5) A stick (by Lou Whitaker)
4) A colostomy bag (by Sparky Anderson)
3) Dirt (by Frank Tanana)
2) Nothing. (Cecil Fielder ate it all first)
1) His own glasses (by Tony Phillips)

Paul Gibson, 1990 Topps

Rickey Henderson and Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills checklist

Names: Rickey Henderson, Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two bullet casings from the streets of Oakland
Key 1991 stat: Two of the biggest prima donnas in baseball history
It's time for an East Bay Area version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Ego large enough for a moon to orbit (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Shiny and sharp flat top (Winner: Henderson)
Round 3: Cascading and coiffed mullet (Winner: Canseco)
Round 4: Circulation-restricting pants (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Semi-effeminate neon green batting glove (Winner: Henderson)
Round 6: Vein-plumping wristbands (Winner: Canseco)
Round 7: Eye-raping yellow socks (Winner: Tie)
Round 8: Bulge-tastic-ness (Winner: Tie)
Round 9: Embarrassing Score Dream Team photo (Winner: Canseco; sorry, Rickey)

Score: Canseco 3, Henderson 2, Ties 4

Synopsis: Wow. The Matchup has never seen a competition featuring such Bust legends. On one side was Rickey Be Rickey, the all-time stolen base leader and the man who proclaimed, "I am the greatest of all time." On the other side was Jose Canseco, the first 40-40 man and perhaps the biggest baseball scumbag of the past quarter-century. The two traded victories, but, in the end, in the battle of shirtless A's, Canseco wins with an A-plus.

Rickey Henderson and Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills checklist

Harold Reynolds, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings

Name: Harold Reynolds
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Second base
Value of card: Two crayons, melted, shoved in a cow's rectum
Key 1988 stat: 1,652,971,100, 154,729 score on "Breakout"
For love of the game: Harold Reynolds loved baseball, but there was something he loved more: "Breakout." Yes, the second baseman and former ESPN host loved the iconic video game, which debuted in arcades in 1976. It's what brought Reynolds to the big leagues. He spent hours honing his "Breakout" skills while growing up in Oregon, improving his hand-eye coordination until he could catch flies in chopsticks and smash a dozen colored bricks with one animated paddle hit. Everywhere he looked, he saw colored tiles, just like the ones so crudely painted behind him, upside down, in the Diamond King above. He enhanced his competitive spirit in arcades and took that swagger to the baseball field. Realizing he couldn't pay for his "Breakout" addiction with a "Breakout" addiction, Reynolds started on the path to professional baseball, all the while flicking his wrist and bouncing a ball off a paddle in an effort to destroy colored tiles. Soon, Reynolds would become a nationally famous breakout star, but not in the game he held so close to his heart.

Harold Reynolds, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland Athletics
Position: Outfield, outfield, outfield
Value of card: Three. That's it, just three.
Key 1990 stat: Real fast
Here's a good one:

Q: How many Rickey Hendersons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Rickey doesn't think you should care, because when Rickey's done with it, it's gonna be the greatest light bulb of all time.

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Mike LaValliere, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 20)

Name: Mike "Spanky" LaValliere
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Catcher
Value of card: See hand gesture
Key 1990 stat: One awesome nickname
We love Spanky: It's no secret, The Bust has an affection for the man they call Spanky. He was a catcher and a rascal, and his story of success is one we've chronicled. His crooked mustache was nearly as revered as his crooked grin, but nowhere near as revered as his symmetrical chins. He'd punch you in the junk for a laugh and once bit the head off a parrot. He cut his hair with child-proof scissors. He dressed up as a pirate (Jim Leyland) every Halloween, only because he really had a peg leg. Yes, The Bust loves Spanky. So why you treating us like this, Spanky? Why you flipping that hand gesture at us? Screw you too, Spanky. Screw you.

Mike LaValliere, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 20)

Garo Yepremian, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 87)

Name: Garo Yepremian
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Kicker
Value of card: Back hair
Key 1976 stat: Fourth straight year without a haircut
Top 10 nicknames for Garo Yepremian in 1976:
10) The Bald Boot
9) Scumbag
8) That Guy Who's Always On The Blooper Reel
7) Sideburn Afro Man
6) The Chest Yeti
5) Squinty McCreeper
4) People's Sexiest Man of the Year
3) Weird Uncle Garo
2) The Furry Foot
1) Scare-o Yepremian

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Garo Yepremian, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 87)

Bryan Clutterbuck, 1990 Topps

Name: Bryan Clutterbuck
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two "clutterbucks"
Key 1989 stat: 12 zits on face
Time for a Webster's New World pop quiz:

What exactly is a "clutterbuck"?

(A) The salty sweat residue left by dirty men on their baseball caps.
(B) A nose-hair mustache, as seen above.
(C) A rubber undershirt worn by sweaty men who want to sweat more.
(D) The special place reserved in hell for evil gingers.
(E) The skin behind the eyebrows when eyebrows don't exist.
(F) A mediocre ballplayer.
(G) All of the above.

Bryan Clutterbuck, 1990 Topps

Rusty Kuntz, Fran Mullins, Leo Sutherland, 1981 Topps

Names: Rusty Kuntz, Fran Mullins, Leo Sutherland
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Outfielder, infielder, outfielder, respectively
Value of card: An ounce of rust
Key 1980 stat: 5 acres of collar
Yeah, it's Matchup time:

Round 1: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)
Round 2: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)
Round 3: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)
Round 4: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)
Round 5: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)

Final score: Kuntz 5, those other guys 0

Synopsis: Look, when your name is Rusty Kuntz, you win. It doesn't matter if one of the other guys has a girl's name, or if the other one looks like John Travolta with an afro — you win. Period.

Rusty Kuntz, Fran Mullins, Leo Sutherland, 1981 Topps

Keith Hernandez, 1987 Topps All Star

Name: Keith Hernandez
Team: New York Mets
Position: First base
Value of card: Arrogance
Key 1986 stat: He's Keith Hernandez
Congratulations are in order: Happy All-Star Tuesday, everybody. You know, Keith Hernandez was a five-time all-star, including the 1986 game. Here are some other awards he's earned in his lifetime.

• Runner-up, Best Non-Sports TV Appearance by a New York Met for his cameo on "Seinfeld." (Darryl Strawberry won for his role on "America's Most Wanted.")
• Stubble of the Year, 1976-1990, Vito's Barbershop, Brooklyn, N.Y.
• "Cockiest S.O.B. I ever met," according to several women interviewed for this blog.
• Most provolone eaten in one sitting at 12th Street Deli.
• Participant, Capuchino High School spelling bee, 1969.

Keith Hernandez, 1987 Topps All Star

Dale Murphy, 1986 Fleer Sticker

Name: Dale Murphy
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Vanity
Key 1985 stat: Zero cosmetic procedures on face
The price of beauty: For much of the 1980s, Dale Murphy was a stud, winning back-to-back MVP awards and leading the league in feces-eating grins. In 1985, Murphy led the NL in runs scored, home runs, walks AND strikeouts. What few people knew was that the majority of this talent was thanks to his conjoined twin, Dave Murphy, who was able to disguise himself as a mole on Dale's cheek. It was Dave's hawk-like vision and herculean strength that allowed Dale to rake in the praise and awards — and Dave made sure Dale knew about it, too. The evil twin mocked his brother's schoolmarmish arms, bowl haircut and lack of baseball talent so often, that in 1988, Dale elected to have surgery that would separate the pair. Dave, lacking organs and bones, died instantly, as did Dale's athleticism. He never hit over .270 again — though he did find more success with the ladies.

Dale Murphy, 1986 Fleer Sticker

Greg Smith, 1990 American Association

Name: Greg Smith
Team: Iowa Cubs
Position: Infield
Value of card: Dryer lint, flushed down a toilet, pulled from a sewage treatment plant
Key 1989 stat: Zero games on Chicago Cubs
Chicago Cubs' scouting report on farmhand Greg Smith: "This kid has a 'plus' bat. Of course, it has wings and eats insects. ... Has great hands, for picking corn. ... Hard to believe, but his name is the most interesting thing about him. ... Not good: He actually swings with his chin perched on his shoulder. ... The closest he'll get to Wrigley is chewing the gum. ... On second thought, he has a shot at playing with the cubs. At the zoo. ... Not sure who this guy is, but I think I saw this uniform and card border as part of a cutout at an amusement park photo booth."

Greg Smith, 1990 American Association

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 19)

Name: Kirby Puckett
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A stained child's sweater
Key 1990 stat: One tiny strike zone
Last to know it's raining: We all know Kirby Puckett was short, but how short was he really?

• He was so short, he could play handball off second base.
• He was so short, his cleats had lifts.
• He was so short, he broke his leg jumping off the toilet.
• He was so short, he had to reach up to tie his shoes.
• He was so short, he used a ladder to get out of the dugout.
• Kirby Puckett was so short, he posed for his own trophies. 

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 19)

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 86)

Name: Bryant Young
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Gandalf's Ring-Bearers
Positions: Defensive line, best pal
Value of card: One ring (to rule them all)
Key 1993 stat: One trilogy; three volumes, two books apiece
Frodo's right-hand lineman: Gather 'round, young fantasy fans, and hear the story of Bryant "Samwise" Young, a simple defensive lineman whose devotion to cornerback Aaron "Frodo" Glenn helped Middle-Earth's inhabitants survive the most evil of threats. After Frodo Glenn found a football partially buried near the 40-yard line in The Shire, Samwise Young was tasked with accompanying his young Hobbit friend on a destiny quest to the fabled land of End Zone, where the two would spike the football into the fiery depths of Mordor's Cracks of Doom. They survived bloody battles, walked for eons and had hundreds of homo-erotic encounters, all in the name of fellowship. But near their goal, Frodo Glenn became too exhausted to continue the journey. Young Sam Young used all his might to help his companion, and, after a struggle with the disgusting "Gollum" Cook, the football was cast into the fire, thus ending their destiny quest, and their passionate love affair.

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 86)

Gary Carter, 1987 Fleer All Star

Name: Gary Carter
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Copyright infringement
Key 1986 stat: Surrounded by strange white aura
This looks familiar: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a Fleer baseball card designer is stuck at work, putting in overtime to come up with a visual theme for the all-star cards in that year's set. He's out of both ideas and Miller Lite, and his approaching deadline is making him cranky, to say the least. His wife calls for the third time that night. "When are you coming home?" she asks. "What am I supposed to do with your meatloaf?" she asks. "Where did all my damn Miller Lite go?" she asks. The designer is about to explode. "I don't know!" he tells her. "I'm stuck here until I come up with something creative, dammit, and you just can't force creativity!" he yells. Then he pauses. "Force," he says. Thus is born a set of cheesy baseball cards that got George Lucas on the phone to his favorite lawyer faster than Han Solo can make the Kessel Run.

Gary Carter, 1987 Fleer All Star

Jeff Conine and Dale Murphy, 1994 Pinnacle The Idols

Names: Jeff Conine and Dale Murphy
Teams: Florida Marlins and Atlanta Braves
Positions: Outfield and first base, first base and outfield
Value of card: A couple of greenbacks (make that “tealbacks”)
Key 1993 stat: Two men, one pair of underwear
It’s time for a cross-era version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Months since last haircut (Winner: Murphy)
Round 2: Ability to fit through a mouse hole (Winner: Conine)
Round 3: Yellow teeth visible even in black-and-white (Winner: Murphy)
Round 4: Number of hours spent sleeping in a shoe (Winner: Conine)
Round 5: Recycled beer league jersey (Winner: Murphy)
Round 6: Outfits stolen from Ken dolls (Winner: Conine)
Round 7: Ability to crush the other’s organs like a fast-food ketchup packet (Winner: Murphy)

Score: Murphy 4, Conine 3, Ties 0

Synopsis: Jeff Conine may be small, but he had a big crush on Murphy, his idol. But Murphy didn’t care, choosing instead to physically crush the miniature Conine between his thumb and forefinger, thereby crushing it in The Matchup.

Jeff Conine and Dale Murphy, 1994 Pinnacle The Idols

Willie Murphy Crawford (we think), 1975 SSPC (we think)

Name: We're not sure
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers (we're sure)
Position: Outfield
Value of card: No telling how much it's worth (OK, it's basically garbage)
Key 1974 stat: Three buttons on jersey unbuttoned
Time for a pop quiz full of intrigue:

If this isn't Willie Murphy Crawford, as the back of the card says, then who is it?

(A) A really, really angry Dodger Stadium security guard.
(B) The Famous Huge-Headed Man of San Bernardino County.
(C) Willie Murphy Brown
(D) Willie Crawford, as he was referred to on the back of every other card during his career.
(E) None of the above. It's still a mystery.

Willie Murphy Crawford (we think), 1975 SSPC (we think)

Butch Huskey, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Butch Huskey
Team: New York Mets
Position: Third base
Value of card: Carpal-tunnel syndrome
Key 1993 stat: 2,492 ink stains on jersey
A handful of autographs Butch Huskey signed over the years:

• "To Sandy: Yes, my name is really Butch Huskey, and no, you can't find out why."
• "Tom: Thanks for being my 'Number 1 fan.' And screw you for saying 'There's not a lot of competition.'"
• "Little Billy: Thanks for coming to the game. You should get your eyes fixed, though; you're kind of freaking me out."
• "Dear Diane: Thanks for giving me your number. And here I thought '555' was just a made-up prefix."
• "To Walt: I'm stealing your pen. Get over it."
• "Aaron: Thanks for listening to me rant about my lack of playing time. Sorry I cried."
• "Dear Christine: Stop staring at my bulge, already."

Butch Huskey, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Pete Sampras, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 7)

Name: Pete Sampras
Country: United States
Value of card: Shower-drain wipings
Key 1991 stat: One tiny hat
Fun facts about Pete Sampras, circa 1991:

• Tiniest head on the pro tour, men's or women's.
• Shortest shorts, too.
• He started growing leg hair at age 7.
• Didn't grow hair anywhere else until age 20.
• Already hated Andre Agassi.

Pete Sampras, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 7)

Martina Navratilova, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 6)



Name: Martina Navratilova
Country: United States
Value of card: Headband sweat
Key 1991 stat: 60-pound leg muscles
Clearing up some rumors about Martina Navratilova:

• No, Martina Navratilova is not a man, nor has she ever been. They did tests and everything, so stop asking and grow up already. Sheesh.
• While it's true that Navratilova, with her thigh muscles the size of tree trunks, could kick your ass, she doesn't actually want to. Yet.
• Navratilova does in fact bear a resemblance to Tom Petty. But what you may not know is that Navratilova is the better singer.
• No, her haircut is not more ridiculous than Andre Agassi's. It is taller, however.
• Yes, with its pastel floral pattern on all items of clothing, including the awesome headband, this is the ultimate 1990s women's tennis outfit. And yes, Martina Navratilova still wears it.

Martina Navratilova, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 6)

Yannick Noah, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 5)

Name: Yannick Noah
Country: France (of course)
Value of card: Three hairballs pulled from the shower drain
Key 1990 stat: One ark
10 reasons this card requires stereotypical France bashing:
10) The promotion of ugly 1980s socks with colored rings near top is despicable.
9) Bony, shaved legs have been known to induce vomiting.
8) It makes you say the name "Yannick" out loud.
7) The subject of this card ended up fathering this thing.
6) He's wearing a massive beret. ... Wait, what's that? That's his hair?
5) He stinks of the smelliest cheese in all of Paris —and French women like it.
4) His shorts barely cover his "bona-part."
3) Noah, a Frenchman, "surrendered" many aces. Ba-dum-ching.
2) This a-hole is a pop star.
1) Cavemen can't play tennis.

Yannick Noah, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 5)