Jose Canseco, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 39)

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 5 ounces of scum
Key 1990 stat: One intolerable smirk
Photographer's train of thought while taking shots of Jose Canseco, 1:30 to 1:31 p.m., April 1, 1991: "Get a load of this guy. Yeah, OK, buddy, I get it. You won the World Series so you don't need to do something funny, right? No provocative poses, no props — just you, your mullet and your wristband. Fine. (pauses) Wait, what's that smell? Oh Christ, it smells like raw pork and Chef Boyardee. Wait, was that ... was that him? Did he just go silent but violent on me? That smirk! Oh, you son of a ..."

Jose Canseco, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 39)

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Upper Deck team checklist (Football Friday No. 106)

Name: L.T.
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 56 cents, maybe
Key 1990 stat: Two letters — just two
Time for an initial pop quiz:

What does the huge "L.T." on this card stand for besides Lawrence Taylor?

(A) Lotsa Testosterone
(B) Likes to Tango (see illustration on left)
(C) Lost Temper
(D) Liquor Trouble
(E) Later, Theismann
(F) All of the above

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Upper Deck team checklist (Football Friday No. 106)

Kevin Bass, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Kevin Bass
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2.5 pounds of rotting striped bass
Key 1991 stat: 14 instances of a form of cannibalism: Bass eating bass
Kevin Bass' train of thought from 3:17 to 3:18 p.m. July 16, 1991: "OK, OK, OK. How can I get her attention? She is so hot, right there in the third row. I see you baby, looking all fine. She's looking this way but I need to make her notice me. Then, I can pass her my number. Wait, that's it. I'll try to steal third base even though I'm slow and I'll perform the spread-eagle bulge slide. That's sure to get her attention. OK, on three. One, two, go! Oh, man. I'm going to be out by a mile. Oh, well. Got to nail this slide, and here we go. Legs spread. Arm back. Bulge up. Achoo! Achoo! Oh, man, I have dirt in my nose. Achoo! I must look ridiculous with my 3-pound batting glove up to my face. Achoo! Oh, man, the snot from my sneeze is making my eye black run. Achoo! Achoo! He tagged me. My batting glove, wristband and face are covered in snot. And, that hot babe is leaving. Gross; she just gagged when she looked over here. Spread-eagle bulge slide, why hath thou forsaken me?"

Kevin Bass, 1992 Upper Deck

Victor Madrigal, 1991 Classic Best

Name: Victor Madrigal
Team: Gastonia (Gastonia?) Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two shots of warm Captain Morgan rum
Key 1990 stat: Two shots of warm Captain Morgan rum, regurgitated
Rangers' scouting report on pitching prospect Victor Madrigal: "This guy is throwing in Gastonia. Wait, Gastonia? Where the hell is Gastonia? ... Madrigal has been included in the Classic Best set. Well, "best" is subjective, obviously. ... First name is 'Victor'; pitches like 'Victoria.' ... If he can throw faster than 75 miles per hour with those sleeves' drag on his arm speed, we need to get this guy in the big show in a real uniform. ... He's pitching in the SAL league, according to the patch on his arm. In the SAL, the competition consists of a bunch of fat guys with mustaches who wear wifebeaters on the field and eat subs. Yes, they're all named 'Sal.' ... With this guy's skill set, if we bring him up to the big leagues we can expect the same kind of attendance as we're looking at here."

Victor Madrigal, 1991 Classic Best

Britt Burns, 1982 Topps

Name: Britt Burns
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 acres of lapel
Key 1981 stat: Zero hygiene
Top 10 offensive things about this card:

10) Mixing a giant felt collar with a mesh jersey
9) The scruff on Burns' face
8) The fact that we're supposed to believe his name was "Britt Burns"
7) Britt's 'burns. Sideburns, that is.
6) Green and purple on a White Sox card
5) That open-mouth gaze
4) The effeminate autograph
3) The plunging neckline
2) The popped blood vessels on his nose and cheeks. Have another one, you lush.
1) Two words: Neck pimples

Britt Burns, 1982 Topps

Ryan Klesko, 2002 Fleer Ultra

Name: Ryan Klesko
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The only real value is in the afterlife
Key 2001 stat: 2,275 hours praying
The predecessor to a phenomenon: The Bust usually stays away from topical subjects — partly because it's cheap and easy; mostly because we're not hip enough to keep up with trends. But we made an exception when we unearthed this card. Today, Tim Tebow and his "Tebowing" have caught the world by storm. In 2002, Ryan Klesko was "Kleskoing," giving himself up to God before the most important times on the field and off. Bracing himself on bended knee, Klesko bowed his head to the Lord, thanked him for his gifts and asked him for more help in the important moments to come. Though he never put fist to chin in the manner of Tebow, he did close his eyes behind his bright-orange Oakley Blades and whisper prayers in on-deck circles across America. So the next time you see Tebow expressing his faith in a crouch in front of millions of TV viewers, think about where the Denver Broncos quarterback learned his now-famous move, and get on your knees and start "Kleskoing."

Ryan Klesko, 2002 Fleer Ultra

Michael Jordan, 1991-92 Fleer Pro-Visions (Air Jordan Week No. 7)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: $19.99 gift certificate to name a star after that special someone
Key 1990-91 stat: Zero legs
We sat down with Michael Jordan and asked him questions about space; here are his answers:

Michael, good to have you here. First question: What is the Milky Way made of?

Ask your sister.

OK, No. 2: What's your favorite planet?

It's certainly not Uranus. Wash down there.

Well, that's uncalled for. We'll move on. Can you explain the big-bang theory?

Yes.

Well? Can you elaborate?

The big bang? Ask your sister. And I thought about your second question. The answer: Heranus.

Listen, Mike, you're being pretty rude. We're big fans. You sure you want to act like this?

Yes. But let me explain interstellar space. Interstellar space is the physical space within a galaxy not occupied by stars or their planetary systems. The interstellar medium resides — by definition — in interstellar space.

Wow, Mike. That's really insightful. Anything else you'd like to add?

There's no air in space.

Huh-huh. But we've seen you in space, Air. Huh-huh.

No, there's no air in space. But Air's in your sister.

That's it. Interview over.

Michael Jordan, 1991-92 Fleer Pro-Visions (Air Jordan Week No. 7)

Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (Air Jordan Week No. 6)

Names: Michael Jordan, Larry Bird
Teams: Chicago Bulls, Boston Celtics
Positions: Shooting guard, small forward
Value of card: 33 / 23 = 1.43 cents
10 other names for the duo of "Birdman and Agent 23":
10) The Skintight Superheroes
9) N.B.A. (Never Been Art)
8) Spewer of Purple Goo and Dr. No Feet
7) The Not-So Fantastic Two
6) Air Beneath His Wings
5) Blonde and Bald Connection
4) The Ball Handlers
3) The Dynamic Bulges
2) The Ambiguously Drawn Duo
1) Ebony and Ivory

Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (Air Jordan Week No. 6)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Fleer Slam Dunk (Air Jordan Week No. 5)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Positions: Shooting guard, on Patrick Ewing's back
Value of card: Two tokens for piggyback rides at the county fair
Key 1991-92 stat: 76 times dominating Patrick Ewing
Michael Jordan's train of thought, 7:45 to 7:46 p.m. Feb. 18, 1993: "OK, dribbling down the court, past Mark Jackson, past John Starks. Oh, Ewing's in the way. Well, I'm just going to have to jump over that huge mountain of man. Here it goes. Oh, gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! So. Much. Sweat. My shorts are sopping wet. I feel like I'm pressed up against a manatee. Oh, lord. Now I'm stuck. Ewing's sweat is binding me to his back. My mesh shorts and his mesh jersey are becoming one. I feel his sweat inundating my pores. Now I'm sweating. This is so disgusting. Focus, Air, focus. I still have to score. OK, big boy, walk me down toward the hoop. That's the way, Ewing. And, dunk. Score. The sweatiest, stinkiest two points of my career. Now to burn my shorts."

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Fleer Slam Dunk (Air Jordan Week No. 5)

Michael Jordan, 1995 Upper Deck Electric Diamond (Air Jordan Week No. 4)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: In cents, 1/40th of what Harry Caray's glasses weigh in pounds
Key 1995 stat: Still serving gambling suspension retired
Transcript from Harry Caray's interview of Michael Jordan: 
Harry Caray: "Hey! We're talking to Michael Jordan, former basketball king of Chicago. Michael, tell me, that's a heck of a turtleneck you've got on. Where did you get it?"
Michael Jordan: "Uh, well, the team just provided it for me ..."
HC: "How about that! An authentic Cubs turtleneck! Michael, how do you feel about the Cubs' chances this year?"
MJ: "Harry, I'm playing for the White Sox. Come on, we went over this."
HC: "Ha! Well, that would explain why I'm wearing all this black. And here I thought I was at President Truman's funeral!"
MJ: "But Truman's been dead for years ..."
HC: "Hey, Michael! What's the most hot dogs you've eaten in a single sitting? I once ate 14, myself. I was so sick that night, I slept on the bathroom floor in a woman's robe. That's why my friends call me Frankfurter."
MJ: (Stares slack-jawed in disbelief)
HC: "Well, that's all the time we have for today. Tune in next week when I'll challenge Frank Thomas to a bout of Greco-Roman wrestling. Cubs win! Cubs win!"

Michael Jordan, 1995 Upper Deck Electric Diamond (Air Jordan Week No. 4)

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Air Jordan Week No. 3)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Graffiti would help its value
Key 1990-91 stat: Shirt half tucked in
A question for His Airness: What's the most popular feature of "Michael Jordan's Playground"?

A) The dirty, apparently bullet-pocked backboard
B) The graffiti wall, which was later used in a "Cosby Show" intro
C) The camera guy in a pink shirt, who got beat up more than the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
D) Jordan himself, who would play 8-year-olds one-on-one at full speed, crushing their souls like peanut shells
E) All of the above

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Air Jordan Week No. 3)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Upper Deck Game Faces (Air Jordan Week No. 2)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Bull excrement
Key 1992-93 stat: Was very excited to score two more points
Random thoughts from fans in the background:

• Guy in red sweater, right third of card, about five rows from bottom: "Great, there he goes again. He's just too fast! I mean, you take your eyes off him for just a second and he's gone. Stupid popcorn guy — slow down already!"
• Woman in yellow top, about four rows above guy in red sweater: "Yes! Here comes the popcorn guy!"
• Guy in red coat, very left of card, about knee-level with Jordan: "Wait, wait. Who wears a red blazer to a basketball game? Who am I, Craig Sager?"
• Guy in bottom left of card. You'll know him when you see him: "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Upper Deck Game Faces (Air Jordan Week No. 2)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Skybox SkyMasters (Air Jordan Week No. 1)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Yellow
Key 1992-93 stat: One Photoshop lesson
Welcome to Jordan Week: In honor of the NBA finally getting its rhymes-with-wit together and starting a season this Sunday, we present a week full of mistakes basketball cards featuring the best hoops player of all time, His Airness, Michael Jordan. We've been trying to be like Mike since grade school, but have only succeeded so far in sticking our tongues out and losing a lot of money by gambling.
A handful of titles for this, um, artistic card:

• It's Always a Sunny Basketball in Chicago
• Ferris Bueller's Day of Getting Dunked On
• Chicago Dope
• The Bulls Brother
• MJ's O Face
• The Armpit That Ate Chicago

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Skybox SkyMasters (Air Jordan Week No. 1)

Sammy Stewart, 1988 Donruss

Name: Sammy Stewart
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 cent for every cavity
Key 1987 stat: Two tickets to paradise
It's time for a self-reflective pop quiz:

Hey, Sammy, why are you so happy?

(A) "Gee, I just got back from the barber and I love my matching unibrow and mustache."
(B) "I'm trying to look like the Indians' racially insensitive mascot. Thanks for asking, though."
(C) "You won't believe how much fried chicken I just ate. Yum, there's still some in my teeth."
(D) "I'm unaware of the tragic, disgusting turn my life will take in about two years! Yeah!"
(E) "With a name like 'Sammy Stewart,' you just gots to smile!"
(F) All of the above.

Sammy Stewart, 1988 Donruss

Eric Anthony, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 38)

Name: Eric Anthony
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Whatevah
Key 1990 stat: Half a crap given
Key question: What does Eric Anthony care about?

A) Nada
B) Whatever
C) Why so serious?
D) Nonchalance
E) Trying really hard to look cool

Eric Anthony, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 38)

Barry Sanders and Christian Okoye, 1990 Topps Rushing Leaders (Football Friday No. 105)

Names: Barry Sanders, Christian Okoye
Teams: Detroit Lions, Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Running backs
Value of card: 14 rotten eggs, smashed on your head while you sleep
Key 1989 stats: About 14,000 rushing yards (each)
It's time for a fast and powerful version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Unbelievable maneuverability (Winner: Sanders)
Round 2: Unstoppable power (Winner: Okoye)
Round 3: Thunder (Winner: Okoye)
Round 4: Lightning (Winner: Sanders)
Round 5: Doubting look (Winner: Sanders)
Round 6: Doubted facial hair (Winner: Okoye)
Round 7: Better nickname (Winner: Okoye)

Score: Okoye 4, Sanders 3

Synopsis: It was a memorable Matchup between two legendary running backs, but, this time, the Nigerian Nightmare bests the Hall of Famer, with a little help from "Tecmo Bowl" and a lot of help from a nickname.

Barry Sanders and Christian Okoye, 1990 Topps Rushing Leaders (Football Friday No. 105)

Carlos Garcia, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Name: Carlos Garcia
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Infielder
Value of card: Spare parts
Key 1990 stat: 1,822,091 grunts
Monster masher: Coming off a division title, the Pittsburgh Pirates were flush with talent, but low on cash to sign new players. Rather than taking a gamble on youngsters or signing guys off the scrap heap, the team turned to a mad scientist to replenish their farm system. The scientist wasn't averse to a little grave robbing, and soon had stolen Ty Cobb's legs, Lou Gehrig's arms, Babe Ruth's breadbasket, and the head of a farmer named Carlos Garcia. With a few stitches and a little electricity, the Pirates soon had a new infielder — who had slightly better range than Miguel Tejada did this past season. Garcia hit .260, but could only communicate through long, loud grunts and carried an awful stench about him. Garcia was banned from baseball after ripping the arms off an umpire in 1994.

Carlos Garcia, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Will Clark 1988 Big League Stars

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: It's not worth the mesh it's printed on
Key 1987 stat: Zero people in stadium at time this photo was taken
Let's take a look at this Will Clark card, by the numbers:

2,500: Copies of this card originally printed in Reggie Fleckman's garage in 1988
1,250: Copies thrown in garbage by card shop owners upon arrival to stores
650: Copies that contained printing errors, such as the white specks and arm hair above
225: Copies that disintegrated when exposed to the sun in 1990
130: Copies that wound up in MLB lawyers' hands for evidence in copyright infringement cases
75: Copies hoarded by Jimmy Hulme, 12, before the ink gave him cancer and he threw them away
20: Copies found in Soviet Russia in 1991; they were later used to heat a stove for Vladimir's gruel
10: Copies in circulation in 2010, before The Bust acquired them all
1: Copies left in the world after the schmoes behind The Bust ripped up nine of them
0: Monetary value of the last copy of this card in the world — even in Soviet Russia

Will Clark 1988 Big League Stars

Robin Ventura, 1989 Topps

Name: Robin Ventura
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Oklahoma State Cowboys
Position: Third base
Value of card: A pile of dirt from the dinner plate of a poor child in Oklahoma
Key 1988 stat: 12 people blinded by jersey's orange
White Sox front office's scouting report on No. 1 draft pick Robin Ventura: "Says here the name is 'Robin.' We sure we drafted a male? ... Based on the only photo we've seen of him, we're not sure he has eyes. ... Rumor from the college ranks is that this kid has a history of clashing with old men. Do we think that will be a problem in the big leagues? ... We'll have to alter his orangutan running style. ... Let's keep an eye on him; he wears Orenthal James gloves. ... Wait: White Sox, black gloves. Um, color clash nightmare! Not sure this will work. ... We vote for nicknaming him 'Ace.'"

Robin Ventura, 1989 Topps

Garth Iorg, 1988 Donruss

Name: Garth Iorg
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: 1 Czech Republic Koruna (0.0553 U.S. dollar)
Key 1987 stat: 17 blue jays kept in his studio apartment
Time for a foreign pop quiz:

With a name like Garth Iorg, where does this second baseman hail from?

(A) Brno, Czech Republic
(B) The planet Grachevka, where the inhabitants' skin is mesh
(C) The Iorg 2B nebula, home of Garth light-hitting infielder cyborgs
(D) Arcata, Calif.
(E) None of the ... um, actually, it's D. Who would have thought?

Garth Iorg, 1988 Donruss

Mark Smith, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospect

Name: Mark Smith
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, Frederick (Md.) Keys
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One house key that no longer works in any lock
Key 1991 stat: 164 ad billboards on the outfield wall
Orioles' scouting report on top prospect Mark Smith: "He has a heckofa arm. Not that he can throw particularly well, he just has one very attractive arm. ... His plain name matches his plain game quite well. ... Four-tool player: He can use a wrench, hammer, screwdriver and pliers. ... He plays for the Keys, which makes sense, considering he'll have a lot of them during his second career as a janitor. ... Plays at a field with a Pepsi ad in right field. Sadly, this kid is not the choice of the next generation, or this generation for that matter. ... Let's call down to the Keys GM and have him take that star off Smith's jersey."

Mark Smith, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospect

Rob Dibble, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 37)

Name: Rob Dibble
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three bags of barbershop shavings
Key 1990 stats: 13 stripes, 50 stars
Rob Dibble is wearing a U.S. flag pin on his cap; 10 reasons he loves America:
10) In 1991, it was a nation of mullets.
9) He has pet bald eagles.
8) Apple pie. (Yes, for the crude reason you're thinking about.)
7) No other nation provides such an ideal environment for punching yourself in the chin.
6) He has 50 (mental) states.
5) He doesn't; that's actually Pac-Man on his hat eating a ghost.
4) He (expletive) hates the metric system.
3) He plays in Cincinnati, so he loves being anywhere else in the country.
2) He has an uncle Sam.
1) He plays for the Reds, but he hates Commies.

Rob Dibble, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 37)

Barry Sanders, 1990 Pro Set Hall of Fame Photo Contest (Football Friday No. 104)

Name: Barry Sanders
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Running back
Value of card: Bag of poop (also the first-place prize in photo contest)
Key 1989 stat: 14 pounds of hand tape
It's an apt time for the return of The Caption: "Detroit Lions running back Barry Sanders, above, becomes slightly aroused when Cleveland Browns strong safety Felix Wright starts to slowly undress him on the field while the two erstwhile lovers participate in a "sensual photo" contest Wednesday in Pontiac, Mich."

Barry Sanders, 1990 Pro Set Hall of Fame Photo Contest (Football Friday No. 104)

David Wells, 2001 Fleer Game Time

Name: David Wells
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Big fat pitcher
Value of card: Buy one, get one Denny's Mac 'n' Cheese Patty Melt
Key 2000 stat: One plus-size goatee
Here's what David Wells stands for:

Doesn't look like black is so slimming, after all
Advanced metrics show he has a 40.3-to-1 cheeseburger-to-strikeout ratio
Voluptuous? More like voluminous
Is known to suck the cream filling out of Twinkies, claiming the sponge cake is too "granola"
Didn't mind fat jokes, considering he was one

Weight with goatee: 3 pounds more than weight without goatee
Every two hours, fans can watch as Wells is fed raw hamburger and chocolate sauce by staff trainers
Likely quote from Babe Ruth about David Wells: "Dude, eat a salad."
Luckily, the cardmakers blurred out his groin in the bigger photo
Sweated through this black jersey so many times it turned into road gray

David Wells, 2001 Fleer Game Time

Jim Kern, 1982 Donruss

Name: Jim Kern
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Whatever you find in this guy's drain
Key 1981 stat: 365 days of growth
Yup, it's another Wiki Entry: This is No. 2 in what is sure to become a much-loved Bust tradition. In this feature, we copy a Wikipedia entry straight from the site, and then change a few key words to make the description better fit the card. Enjoy what is sure to be the literary highlight of your day.
The Kern Wiki Entry (changes in red): Jim Kern Kern County is a baseball player county located in the southern Central Valley of the U.S. state of California. Established in 1949 1866, his beard it extends east beyond the southern slope of the eastern Sierra Nevada range into the Mojave Desert, and includes parts of the Indian Wells Valley, and the Antelope Valley, and has an area nearly the size of New Jersey. From under his hat, the Sierras his sloppy mop the county extends across the floor of the San Joaquin Valley to the eastern edge of the Temblor Range, part of the Coastal Ranges. To the south, his tangled face fuzz the county extends over the ridge of the Tehachapi Mountains. According to the 2000 census, its tick population was 661,645. ... The beard mess county has a large agricultural base and is a significant producer of oil, natural gas and gasps. hydro-electric power, wind turbine power, and geothermal power As of 2009, Kern remains California's top oil-producing beard, county with 81 percent of the state's 52,144 active oil wells. The beard county accounts for one-tenth of overall U.S. oil production, and three of the five largest U.S. oil fields are on in Kern. County Kern is also noted for his its mineral wealth, including gold, borate and kernite. The largest open pit hair mine in California is on at Boron in Kern. County

Jim Kern, 1982 Donruss

Shawon Dunston, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Name: Shawon Dunston
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 5 cents off a hero sandwich
Key 1991 stat: Zero visits to the Bust, where the Upper Deck heroes of your childhood go to be ridiculed
Here are some more stats from the 1992 Upper Deck Heroes Game:

Ryan Bowen: Two hits, one piggyback ride
Nolan Ryan: 14 strikeouts, 14 "Airplane" references
Dave Winfield: Three RBI, traded twice in the same game
Ken Griffey Jr.: One HR, one SB, one injury
Will Clark: Two doubles, one tantrum thrown
Danny Manning: Four slam dunks, one wrong sport
Roger McDowell: One save, 15 women hit on unsuccessfully
Oil Can Boyd: 2.1 IP, 49 gold chains bought from guy outside stadium
Howard Johnson: One run scored, one illegitimate child

Shawon Dunston, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Candy Maldonado, 1987 Fleer Award Winner

Name: Candy Maldonado
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: Outfield, Pinch Hitter of the Year
Value of card: Four pieces of construction paper (used above)
Key 1986 stat: One award that's really a backhanded compliment
10 candy descriptions for Candy Maldonado:
10) Good & Plenty (of strikeouts)
9) Mounds (of cellulite)
8) Fun Dip (causes mouth cancer)
7) Baby Ruth (as in: much, much worse than Babe Ruth)
6) 100 Grand (salary is far too generous)
5) Big Hunk (look elsewhere)
4) Reese's Peanut Butter Cup (in his jockstrap)
3) Junior Mints (in his jockstrap)
2) Charleston Chew (spit)
1) Snickers (when he showers)

Candy Maldonado, 1987 Fleer Award Winner

Jermaine Dye, 2001 Upper Deck MVP

Name: Jermaine Dye
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One bent nail
Key 2000 stat: 290 visits to ACE Hardware
What "super tools" earned Jermaine Dye this Upper Deck MVP?

• He could absolutely drill the ball
• He rarely screwed up
• He brought down the hammer on opposing pitching
• He never wrenched his back, though he did break his leg once
• He knew when to ratchet his performance up a notch
• He could nail a runner at the plate
• He didn't need a chisel to wear down the competition — he was Dye-no-mite!

Jermaine Dye, 2001 Upper Deck MVP

Chuck Finley, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 36)

Name: Chuck Finley
Team: California Angels
Position: Ace
Value of card: The hair left in Finley's comb
Key 1990 stat: 3,000 hours of rock
10 names for Chuck Finley's hair band:
10) Motley 'Do
9) Chin Music
8) Suicide Squeeze
7) The Cowhide Grippers
6) Def Lefty
5) The Tawny Kitt-ens
4) Damn Yankees Hitters
3) Twisted Pitcher
2) Guns N' Mullets
1) The Hair Angels

Chuck Finley, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 36)

Charles Johnson, 1994 Flair Wave of the Future (Football Friday No. 103)

Name: Charles Johnson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Motion sickness
Key 1994 stat: Took 52 dance classes
It's a Football Friday pop quiz:

What's happening to Charles Johnson here?

A) He's doing the hustle to save humanity from a vortex of blue words
B) Never mind, he's just doing the hustle for the fun of it
C) He's being sucked into a whirlpool of statistics. And bad ones, at that.
D) He just hit 88 mph
E) He's getting Flaired.

Charles Johnson, 1994 Flair Wave of the Future (Football Friday No. 103)

U L Washington, 1982 Donruss

Name: U L Washington
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Zero Washingtons
Key 1981 stat: Two initials, no periods
Time for a jheri curl juice-soaked pop quiz:

So, what does "U L" stand for?

(A) Ugly Leroy
(B) Umbilical Lord
(C) Unseemly Locks
(D) Unadulterated Lovemaker
(E) Wait, does that say: U L Washington SS? What is that, the name of a battleship?
(F) None of the above

U L Washington, 1982 Donruss