Tom Candiotti, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 50)

Name: Tom Candiotti
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 26 eyelashes plucked from face
Key 1990 stat: 12 mph knuckleball
Tom Candiotti is known for his knuckleball; 10 other things he's known for:
10) Bad special effects of a fake knuckleball on a mediocre baseball card
9) Those fabulous bangs
8) His sad addiction to grandma candy, thus his nickname: Hard Candi Man
7) One-handed gang signs, cuz
6) His middle name: Caesar (true)
5) Wearing an Indians uniform despite playing for the Blue Jays
4) The No. 1 unibrow in the American League
3) His prowess among the pins as a bowler
2) Contra Costa County bloody knuckles champion, 1986
1) Penis hat hair

Tom Candiotti, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 50)

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score Ground Force (Football Friday No. 117)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Running back
Value of card: Smoke from a lightning strike trapped in a mason jar
Key 1989 stat: 1,200 singed hairs
Do you feel the burn? Bo Jackson was more than a football player. Bo Jackson was more than a baseball player. Hell, Bo Jackson was more than an athlete. Bo Jackson was a superhero, one who could survive a lightning strike with a smile on his face and a bulge in his pocket. How did Bo Jackson survive a lightning strike, you ask? Below are the ways in which Bo Jackson, the superhero leader of Ground Force, was hit by lightning, followed by what happened immediately afterward.

• Contact injury, when the victim was touching an object that was struck. (Bo was touching a lightning bolt when it was struck by another lightning bolt. The Chargers immediately lost 48-0.)
• Side splash, when current jumps from an object to the victim. (Bo showered in the side splash.) 
• Ground strike, current passing from a strike through the ground to the nearby victim. (Being a member of Ground Force counteracts the effects of a ground strike.)
• Direct strike, which is usually fatal. (It was fatal — for the lightning.)

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score Ground Force (Football Friday No. 117)

Dmitri Young, 2000 Pacific

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's not worth the hair his beard is dyed on
Key 1999 stat: 212 hours in the salon
10 reasons Dmitri Young's beard is white:
10) His teammates chiefed him after a drunken night at the Northside Tavern in Cincinnati.
9) Forget his beard; you should see his turquoise hair.
8) He's emulating the Russian bodybuilder for whom he's named.
7) He knew about the registered trademark symbol included by Pacific on its 2000 set's cards and wanted to present something unique, because the design certainly doesn't come through.
6) He was a spokesman for Just for Men's Blonde Ambition line.
5) He's a colorful guy: black dude, Reds team, white beard.
4) It's a complex glare-reduction system enacted in tandem with his eye black.
3) That's not a beard; it's the leftover bacon gravy from last night's postgame spread.
2) He's drawing attention away from his statistics.
1) He was looking for some white power.

Dmitri Young, 2000 Pacific

Cory Snyder, 1989 Fleer

Name: Cory Snyder
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's laughable
Key 1988 stat: Rugged good looks only enhanced by mullet
Something funny, mister? Sure, Cory Snyder is laughing at us, thinking he's so much better than us and whatnot. But we were curious as to what's written on his glove. A little research shows it's "The Backhander," but here are a few misinterpretations we had:

• The Bartender
• The Back-ender
• The Barksdale
• The Banklender
• The Baconator
• The Cocky S.O.B. Who Needs To Shut His Face If He Wants To Keep His Teeth

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Cory Snyder, 1989 Fleer

Roger Clemens, 1997 Score Hobby Reserve

Name: Roger Clemens
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Ace
Value of card: It's a stretch to think it has any value
Key 1996 stat: Cheated
North-of-the-border quiz time: What's The Rocket doing here?

A) Tebowing
B) Preparing for an injection
C) Showing off his badonkadonk
D) Looking like a d-bag
E) All of the above

Roger Clemens, 1997 Score Hobby Reserve

Zane Smith, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Zane Smith
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A tenth of a loon. Not the Canadian currency — the bird.
Key 1989 stat: Endless sex appeal
Here's what Zane Smith stands for:

Zero trips to the dentist.
All right, one trip to the dentist. But it was just to pick up a friend.
Nose appears to be only normal part of face.
Even after you leave this page, that stare will stay with you.

Snaggletooth distracted hitters, acquaintances.
Mullet still easier to look at than that smile.
I'm pretty sure that uniform couldn't get much louder.
That lazy eye isn't doing him any favors, either.
Had 93 strikeouts in 1989 — and 930 strikeouts with the ladies that year.

Zane Smith, 1990 Upper Deck

John Valentin, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: John Valentin
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Infield
Value of card: Chop it up and we'll weigh it again
Key 1993 stat: 14 8-balls sniffed
It's time for a (sniff, sniff) high-end pop quiz:

Would you attend one of John Valentin's coke parties?

(A) Yes, I love breathing in massive clouds of nose candy.
(B) No, I prefer to party with the 1986 Mets.
(C) No, I don't do drugs and I don't like when Valentin tries to use The Force when on drugs.
(D) I'm not sure (sniff), I just got back from (sniff) Valentin's. I can't (sniff) taste my tongue (sniff).
(E) I'd prefer not to answer this question; I'm high as crap off Valium.

John Valentin, 1994 Upper Deck

Gregg Jefferies, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 49)

Name: Gregg Jefferies
Team: New York Mets
Position: Second base
Value of card: The height of early 1990s fashion (so, nothing good)
Key 1990 stat: More G's than any human could possibly need
Gregg Jefferies' dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: TripleG2K
Age: I'm in my prime
Height: 5'11" (6'3" when my hair reaches its full potential)
Weight: 175 agile pounds
Hair color: Baby brown
Hairstyle: Tall, dark and handsome
Ethnicity: New Yorker
Marital status: Playing the field
Best feature: Real leather jacket
Smoke? I'm smokin', all right
Drink? Hell, I'm drunk right now

Seeking: Queens
Location: Aw crap, I meant to put "Queens" on this line
Her body type: Body, schmody; let's talk about hair
Her religious views: Anything but the one that worships cows       I don't think they'd like my stylish jacket too much.

About me: Hey there, girls, you may know me as the star second baseman for your New York Mets, but I'm much more than an athlete       I'm also one good-looking dude. My sick hairdo lets me know when it's raining minutes before anyone else realizes it, and my smokin' leather Mets jacket will keep us both warm. Did I mention it's real leather? Go ahead, give it a smell. Oh, one other thing you should know: that third G in my first name? It stands for G-spot finder. Ohhhh yeah. Ring me up, ladies, and let's trade everything from hair stylists' phone numbers to bodily fluids.

Gregg Jefferies, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 49)

Dana Stubblefield, 1994 Playoff Sack Pack (Football Friday No. 116)

Name: Dana Stubblefield
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: A sack of penny slugs
Key 1993 stat: One sack, two huevos
Here's who else made up the Sack Pack, along with Dana Stubblefield:

• Lawrence Taylor
• Another superior athlete on a constant cocaine binge
• An actual sack of potatoes
• A pot dealer from Northern California's Emerald Triangle
• Bruce Smith
• Another superior athlete with great legs
• Bruce Smith, taking time off from his other sack group, Sack Attack
• Johnny Sack
• The bagger at the grocery store down the street
• Steve Sax
• A scrotum

Dana Stubblefield, 1994 Playoff Sack Pack (Football Friday No. 116)

Juan Eichelberger, 1982 Topps

Name: Juan Eichelberger
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Just "Juan" cent
Key 1981 stat: One terrible "Juan" pun
Putting the promotion in motion: In 1981 struggling San Diego burger joint Ground Chuck's started a promotion in a desperate bid to save the shop. Owner Chuck Heller offered any Padres fan wearing the urine-and-excrement-colored uniforms the new Eichel Burger for just "Juan," that's right, just "Juan" dollar. If the Padres fan showed up with a homeless man's beard and unwashed hair, as well as the throwup-inspired uniforms, he would get two Eichel Burgers for just "Juan," that's right, just "Juan" dollar. If a fan wearing the uniform and sporting the rat-infested hair and beard-'stache showed up to Ground Chuck's and ordered 10 Eichel Burgers, he'd get a free serial-killer-scrawled autograph from the one-and-only Juan Eichelberger himself. Buy 20? Juan Eichelberger would show up and drink "Juan," yes "Juan" 12-pack of Schlitz with the lucky fan. Buy 50? Ol' Chuck would let the fan in on the Eichel Burger's secret ingredients. (Here's a hint: It wasn't just the uniforms that were inspired by urine and excrement.) Ground Chuck's soon went under.

Juan Eichelberger, 1982 Topps

Darrell Evans, 2001 Topps American Pie

Name: Darrell Evans
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Third base
Value of card: One apple core
Key 1973 stat: Jersey tightly tucked into pants
A handful of things that are scarcely believable about Darrell Evans, based on looking at this photo (at least one of which is true):

• Darrell Evans had sex that year. No, really, with a woman and everything!
• He owned clothes that actually fit him.
• He hit 41 home runs in 1973. Yeah, over the fence!
• In later years, he looked like a pretty normal dude.
• The number 22 written on the knob of his bat isn't his number — it's the number of times his teammates beat him up each week.

Darrell Evans, 2001 Topps American Pie

Jason Stumm, Rob Purvis, 2000 Topps Draft Picks

Names: Jason Stumm, Rob Purvis
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Fresh pine scent
Key 1999 stats: Zero future in the bigs
Two rookies, one Matchup:

Round 1: Funnier last name (Winner: Tie; both are pretty funny)
Round 2: Pine tree in background (Winner: Purvis)
Round 3: Thick, luxurious eyebrows (Winner: Purvis)
Round 4: Eventually won more than three games in a season (Winner: Purvis)
Round 5: Bewildered expression on face (Winner: Stumm)
Round 6: Bigger bro (Winner: Purvis)
Round 7: Baby-soft skin (Winner: Purvis)
Round 8: Cooler White Sox uniform (Winner: Stumm)

Final score: Purvis 5, Stumm 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: There's a reason Rob Purvis gets top billing on this card, and it's not because his last name sounds vaguely like "pervert." No, Purvis is leaps and bounds ahead of Jason Stumm, both in terms of pitching talent and eyebrow density.

Jason Stumm, Rob Purvis, 2000 Topps Draft Picks

Hal McRae, 1982 Donruss

Name: Hal McRae
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Drymouth
Key 1981 stat: One excellent beard
Who is Hal McRae?
He can play right field, left field, center field or backfield.
He makes powder blue look manly.
He wins staring contests against statues.
He could hit a home run holding the bat just like this.
He doesn't steal bases. They're given to him.
His beard hit for the cycle.
When he throws runners out, they thank him.
His runs counted double.
He made Kansas City an acceptable place to live.
He is ... the most interesting outfielder in the world.

Hal McRae, 1982 Donruss

Yinka Dare, 1994-95 Upper Deck (Another (face palm) Basketball Week No. 7)

Name: Yinka Dare
Team: New Jersey Nets
Position: Center
Value of card: We dare you to say it's worth more than 5 cents
Key 1993-94 stat: 11 dares accepted
New Jersey Nets' scouting report on No. 1 pick Yinka Dare: "This kid looks good in red. Well, who doesn't look good dressed like a member of Tony! Toni! Tone! ... He has a 32-inch vertical leap without the jewelry. With it: 7. ... We see this kid's future either with the Nets are wearing hairnets. ... Considering his last name, we don't need to worry about drug use. ... You have to like his team-first attitude: We dared him to dress like it was Halloween, and he agreed. ... We'll need to bring in some veterans to help him in the growing-facial-hair department. ... Every team needs a player named 'Yinka.' ... If he doesn't work out on the court, we can use him as a hand model for the new Freakishly Massive Male store in Hoboken. ... Our general manager's triple-dog dare: Draft Dare. Accepted."

Yinka Dare, 1994-95 Upper Deck (Another (face palm) Basketball Week No. 7)

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Skybox (Another (face palm) Basketball Week No. 6)

Name: Shawn Kemp (Not "Fat Shawn Kemp," that's a blog)
Team: Seattle SuperSonics
Positions: Power forward, father of 64
Value of card: 64 children sired
Conversation between two basketball card-collecting kids in 1991: 

Kid No. 1: "Wow, this is so radical! Look at those awesome graphics! They must have made it with one of those new computers. How'd they make a basketball with a comet tail! Wow! Look at those tubular arrows! Awesome! What a bodacious light-blue rectangle! This card must've been sent from the future! Whoa!"
Kid No. 2: "I read in Sports Illustrated that Shawn Kemp has fathered dozens of children across the nation and has failed to pay child support to many of their mothers."
Kid No. 1: "Radical! These computer graphics make it look like he's flying! Awesome!"

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Skybox (Another (face palm) Basketball Week No. 6)

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Team Checklist (Another (face palm) Basketball Week No. 5)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Positions: Guard, under water
Value of card: Watching paint dry
Key 1990-91 stat: Never made that face
Mistakes we found in this illustration:

• Michael Jordan's skin was not made of corduroy
• Michael Jordan's forearms were not bigger than his upper arms
• NBA hoops are typically not twice as big as the basketball
• Michael Jordan's head was not smaller than his calves
• Michael Jordan could not breathe under Lake Michigan
• Michael Jordan made this face only once in his life, and that was when Horace Grant tried to kiss Phil Jackson

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Team Checklist (Another (face palm) Basketball Week No. 5)

Stuart Gray, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 4)

Name: Stuart Gray
Team: New York Knicks
Positions: Forward, center
Value of card: A dead rat in the subway tunnel
Key 1990-91 stat: Eight games played
We gotta ask: What's ol' Stu Gray doing here?

A) Protecting himself against another crotch-punch from Charles Oakley
B) Forgetting how to play basketball. (Knicks fans might say he never learned.)
C) Holding on to the ball for as long as he can so the coach can't take him out
D) Boring the crowd to death
E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Stuart Gray, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 4)

Patrick Ewing, 1993-94 NBA Hoops (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 3)

Name: Patrickman, aka Patrick Ewing
Team: New York Knicks
Positions: Center, flying through future space
Value of card: Space junk
Key 1993-94 stat: Hem of shorts higher than crotch of shorts
Another literal translation: Because there's no way to tell exactly what is supposed to be happening in this illustration of "Patrickman," here's our best guess. Patrickman lived on a red sun that had clouds made of popcorn and was inhabited by those things from "The Matrix." The only way to defeat these sentient machines was to make a 1-foot jump shot in outer space. Should he do this, he would have his pick of green planets on which he could live out his days in peace. However, the machines tried everything they could to prevent his escape, including ripping his shorts up so high that they could give him a colonoscopy. Did Patrickman make this close-range shot? Let's just say that those tentacles made it up to his neck.

Patrick Ewing, 1993-94 NBA Hoops (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 3)

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 Fleer (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 2)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Air
Key 1989-90 stat: $32.7 billion made from endorsements
It's time for a dunk-worthy dose of The Caption, which we're told was featured in a Chicagoland newspaper in 1990: "Nike, Hanes, Gatorade, Chevrolet, Rayovac, McDonald's, Coca-Cola, MCI, Ball Park Franks and Wheaties pitchman and Chicago Bulls shooting guard Michael Jordan dunks a basketball during a game in Chicago against the New York Knicks, whose team members stand motionless in astonishment while gazing upon His Airness as he humiliates them once again with his tongue hanging out of his mouth like a certain costumed rock god Sunday."

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 Fleer (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 2)

Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Basketball Heroes (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 1)

Name: Larry Bird
Team: Boston Celtics
Position: Forward (Right, ladies?)
Value of card: Lots of green
Key 1991-92 stat: 16-inch zipper
Welcome to Another (face-palm) Basketball Week: It's March Madness, the time of year when we all get in touch with our inner degenerate gambler, and we're marking the occasion with a week of some of basketball's most ridiculous cards from the 1980s and 1990s. Get ready for seven days of blinding jackets, detestable illustrations and some of the whitest white dudes you've ever seen. It's Another Basketball Week (face-palm).
Transcript from nationwide Starter apparel television commercial, circa 1980: "Hey, kids. (swish sounds) I'm 1979-80 NBA Rookie of the Year Larry Bird, and I'm a starter. (swish sounds) You know what makes a starter? It starts with the jacket. It has to be bold. It has to be tight. It has to be blindingly shiny. (swish sounds) You know what else makes a starter? A mop of blond curls. (swish sounds) Hands that have been smashed by a hammer. (swish sounds) A six-hair invisible mustache. (swish sounds) A pair of bloodflow-restricting Lee brand jeans. (swish sounds) You want to be a starter? Get yourself a Starter jacket. (swish sounds) Starter: It begins with style and ends with a swish."

Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Basketball Heroes (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 1)

Joe Girardi, 1992 Topps

Name: Joe Girardi
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Squat
Key 1991 stat: No shame
Fun facts about Joe Girardi's bowel movements:

• Girardi kept a travel toilet on the field at all times, just in case. Hence, this card.
• While using said travel toilet, Girardi would often put down the curveball sign, just to make things clear.
• Girardi always wore his mitt and shin guards while on the crapper. And not just his one on the field.
• Girardi's dog would often take a cue from his master, much to the groundskeepers' dismay.
• Girardi offered use of his travel toilet to any of his teammates — but never Don Zimmer. That dude was foul.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Joe Girardi, 1992 Topps

Randy Milligan, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 48)

Name: Randy Milligan
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: First base
Value of card: Three dead orioles in a shoebox, left on your ex-girlfriend's porch
Key 1990 stat: 3 inches in receding hairline
Conversation between Randy Milligan and a Studio photographer, April 12, 1991:
Studio photographer: Hello, Randy. It's good to have you here.
Randy Milligan: (rotates head, makes eye contact and smiles wide) Oh, realllllly?
SP: Uh, yeah. We're glad to have you here for this photo session.
RM: (rotates head, makes eye contact and smiles wide) Oh, realllllly?
SP: Yes, Randy. It's a photo session. Studio is kind of a new idea we think will be a hit with collectors.
RM: (rotates head, makes eye contact and smiles wide) Oh, realllllly?
SP: Um, well, yes. We think fans are craving something new. Something more personal than cards with typical action shots.
RM: (rotates head, makes eye contact and smiles wide) Oh, realllllly?
SP: Yes, Randy. Yes. We believe this is a big step forward in the baseball card industry. We foresee players shedding their professional personas and giving their biggest fans an insider's look at who they are. We want to bring the humanity back to the game through candid portraits that give a familiar yet complicated look at who you guys really are.
RM: (rotates head, makes eye contact and smiles wide) Oh, realllllly?
SP: Yes, yes, yes. We want to get to the real you. We want you to show your fans that you're not some machine that repeats the same actions over and over. You're a human being, Randy, and our job today is to convey that.
RM: (rotates head, makes eye contact and smiles wide) Oh, realllllly?
SP: Really. (snaps photo)

Randy Milligan, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 48)

Larry Csonka, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 115)

Name: Larry Csonka
Team: New York Giants
Position: Running back
Value of card: Two pounds of tough
Key 1977 stat: 8-ounce mustache
Look at this tough guy: How masculine was Larry Csonka?

• He didn't play with pads — he let his chest hair absorb the hits he took.
• He won the World Mustache Wrestling Championship four times.
• He bashed people's heads together to make them forget the WFL.
• His hair was helmet enough for him.
• He intimidated his own quarterback so badly that the QB was afraid to hand him the ball.
• Dude's name was Csonka.

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp.com

Larry Csonka, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 115)

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One carat carrot
Key 1991 stat: 10 inches of mullet
Big winner: Upper Deck saw fit to name Jose Canseco "Best Athlete" in its 1992 Diamond Skills subset. Here are some other awards Canseco has claimed in his life:

• Customer of the month, May 1991, Big Jim's Syringe Mart
• Hair of the year, 1993, Mullet Fancy magazine
• May Have Already Won $10,000,000, Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes
• New York Times Best Selling Author, 2005
• Best Jose, 1985

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills

Joey McLaughlin, 1982 Donruss

Name: Joey McLaughlin
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Whatever you can find in his beard
Key 1981 stat: 249 batters made uncomfortable by that stare
Avoid eye contact: What does Joey McLaughlin see?

A) Your soul
B) How you will die (Hint: He plays a role)
C) London, France and your underpants
D) Only what the government allows him to see
E) Huh? Oh, nothing. He was just daydreaming about your underpants.

Joey McLaughlin, 1982 Donruss

Bobby Thigpen, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Bobby Thigpen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Closer
Value of card: In cents, one-tenth of the number on his pant leg
Key 1990 stat: Autosaves every five minutes
League of extraordinary gentlemen: With 57 saves in 1990, White Sox closer Bobby Thigpen's secret identity, the SaveMaster, was revealed. Here are a few of his superpowers:

• Could swoop in late, bring down foes that rest of superheroes had already weakened
• Could extend or shorten sleeves at the drop of a hat
• Even if mortally wounded, could go back five minutes in time and start again
• Could afford to retire early, thanks to smart money management
• Could break stuff. You know, like records.

Bobby Thigpen, 1991 Upper Deck

Scooter Tucker, 1992 Fleer Ultra

Name: Eddie "Scooter" Tucker
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 5 percent more scooting
Key 1991 stat: One ridiculous nickname
Astros scouting report on rookie catcher Scooter Tucker: "Wait, he actually likes to be called 'Scooter'? What, is he 12? ... He's got more than enough neck to be a quality big-league backstop. ... Has an arm like a cannon: rusted and obsolete. ... Can belch the entire alphabet, but often gets the letters out of order. ... Calls a great game — from the booth. ... Says his catching role model is Johnny Cash. We think he means Johnny Bench, but frankly, who knows? ... 'Scooter'? Really? ... Smokes two cigarettes at a time. It's bizarre to watch. ... Says that if baseball doesn't work out, his backup career is 'astronaut. Or cowboy. Or GI Joe.' Maybe he really is 12."

Scooter Tucker, 1992 Fleer Ultra

Orestes Destrade, 1994 Donruss

Name: Orestes Destrade, allegedly
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: First base
Value of card: Plenty of vowels
Key 1993 stat: One fake name
I'd like to solve the puzzle: Clearly, no human being has ever been named Orestes Destrade. But we got to wondering, what anagrams can be made from this random collection of letters?

• Dead Steers Store
• Addresses Tree To
• Sedated Seer Rots
• Dared Stereos Set
• Adder Sees Otters
• Dread Tsetse Sore
• Sadder, Terse Toes
• Dad Restores Tees
• Seared Desert Sot

Orestes Destrade, 1994 Donruss

Frank Viola, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 47)

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three fibers from a towel
Key 1990 stat: 365 extra-long showers
Frank Viola's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: curly69
Age: A child at heart
Height: Fit in a shower stall
Weight: 92 kilos
Hair color: Mets' orange
Hairstyle: Never-ending curls
Ethnicity: Italian lover
Religious views: Towelism
Want children: Yes, 17 of them
Marital status: Single and ready to mingle
Best feature? Too many to name
Smoke? Often
Drink? Usually

Seeking: A woman to share a shower with
Location: In the bathtub
His/her body type: Wet
His/her ethnicity: Mustachioed

About me: Hey, ladies. It's me, Frankie V, the insatiable left-hander with a taste for showers. As you can see, I'm usually soaking wet and toweling off. It takes a long time to shampoo all these curls, and even longer to soap up this 'stache, and I need a pretty partner to help get me through those long, steamy times under the big stream. Want a little Viola in your life? Voila!

Frank Viola, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 47)

Andre Reed, 1990 Topps (Football Friday No. 114)

Name: Andre "Dre Dog" Reed
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Six Old E' 40s
Key 1989 stat: Two slugs in da chamber
Reed n the Hood: Andre Reed was a well-known wide receiver for the Bills in the 1990s, but few fans know he played a small role in the hit 1991 coming-of-age-in-the-ghetto film, "Boyz n the Hood." Reed's performance, a photo from which is above, was left on the cutting-room floor, but here are five lessons learned by his character, Dre Dog.

(1) 14-pound beanies keep your head warm — in the hood
(2) Pencil-thin mustaches make you look good — in the hood
(3) Ya gots to hustle for the dollar-dollar Bills, y'all — in the hood
(4) Looking like Ice-T gets you small roles in movies about the hood — in the hood
(5) Top-tier high school running backs with scholarship offers to USC get gunned down — in the hood

Andre Reed, 1990 Topps (Football Friday No. 114)

Paul Kilgus, 1988 Donruss

Name: Paul Kilgus
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 10 percent off at Stinky Pete's Novelty Shop
Key 1987 stat: Wore a mop on top of head
Fun facts about Paul Kilgus and his obviously fake mustache:

• Paul Kilgus' ERA in 1987 was 4.13. His mustache retailed for less than half of that.
• Kilgus' career winning percentage was 38.2%. An even smaller percentage of people thought that lipwarmer was real.
• Kilgus had enough curly blond hair to clothe half of Eastern Europe. Yet his mustache was made of polyester.
• According to The Beatles, Paul was the Walrus. Paul Kilgus tried much too hard to look like a walrus.
• The name "Paul Kilgus" sounds kind of gross. And then you see his mustache.

Paul Kilgus, 1988 Donruss