Valery and Pavel Bure, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Names: Valery Bure and Pavel Bure
Teams: Montreal Canadiens and Vancouver Canucks, respectively
Positions: Right winger and right winger, respectively (They *spit* hate American Democrat scum.)
Value of card: 2 Russian rubles (1 ruble = .0333 U.S. dollar)
Key 1991 stat: $13 an hour for a baby sitter
Welcome to Another Alternative Sports Week: The NHL playoffs are well under way, the PGA season is in full swing, and NASCAR drivers are turning left every weekend. It's that time of the year when we here at The Bust bring you a week's worth of embarrassing cards from outside the three major U.S. sports. It's not that we can't find enough sloppy work in the baseball, football and basketball arenas, it's that we stumble across some of the worst cards ever made in sports few in the collecting world care about: hockey, golf, gymnastics, reverse toenail clipping and so on. So, without further ado, behold the bottom of the barrel of the bottom of the barrel.
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Wind-swept 1980s wave haircut (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Refusal to wear pants (Winner: Pavel)
Round 3: Untrustworthy towhead tendencies (Winner: Valery)
Round 4: Sexy Soviet-toned calves (Winner: Pavel)
Round 5: Allegiance to Mother Russia (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Sexy woman's name that is also the title of a legendary 1980s song (Winner: Valery)
Round 7: Age 14 or younger (Winner: Valery)
Round 8: Phallic positioning of hockey stick (Winner: Pavel)
Round 9: Talent (Winner: Pavel)

Score: Pavel 4, Valery 3, Ties 2

Synopsis: Big brother wins again, this time thanks to his talent and sculpted calves. But, really, when two kids escape the tyranny of the U.S.S.R. and both get the coolest rollerblades on the block for Christmas, no one loses. (Except you, Commie scum.)

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Valery and Pavel Bure, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Tom Candiotti, 1989 Fleer

Name: Tom Candiotti
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three pieces of hard "Candi" (barf sounds)
Key 1988 stat: 4,390 children frightened
10 nicknames coined for Tom Candiotti after this card's release:
10) Tommy Eyebrows
9) The (Sour) Candi Man
8) King of Piss-Poor Lighting
7) The Mediocre Mizuno Menace
6) Ol' Greasy Afro
5) The Sinister Indian
4) Cleveland's Creep
3) "That Scary Guy Down the Block"
2) A Human Replica of the Racist Cleveland Indians' Mascot
1) The Shadow

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Tom Candiotti, 1989 Fleer

Randy Johnson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 53)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Rotting seaweed
Key 1990 stat: 7 games of Dungeons & Dragons played per week
Studio quiz time: What direction did the photographer give Randy Johnson just before this photo was taken?

A) "OK, just have a seat and try not to look awkward."
B) "Let's try to, um, highlight your, er, best features. (pauses) You know what? Never mind."
C) "No, no, there's no need to shave. Or comb your hair. Or shower. Just act naturally."
D) "Go ahead and cross your arms like a nervous teenager. Yeah, that looks nice."
E) "So, later on, you want to show me why they call you the Big Unit?"

Randy Johnson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 53)

Jacksonville Jaguars, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Football Friday No. 120)

Name: Jaguars
Team: Jaguars
Position: Jaguars
Value of card: Six kernels of Friskies
Key 1993 stat: One pair of MC Hammer pants
10 little-known facts about the Jaguars' 1994 mascot:
10) He rips his own shirt with his claws when he's feeling sexy.
9) He has trouble going in the litter box when the door is left open.
8) He floats at all times.
7) "Shoes? Shoes are for suckas," he says.
6) Not a monster; doesn't care for the gridiron. Hates Coca-Cola; loves coke.
5) He's deeply afraid of playing the Lions and the Panthers, but he cheers for the Tigers.
4) Sometimes, when he jumps, he craps sausage-shaped excrement that doubles back toward his head.
3) He spends the offseason posing on hoods in the same position as above.
2) Not a leopard, so, therefore, he can change his spots. No problem.
1) He drives a luxury automobile that's not very dependable.

Jacksonville Jaguars, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Football Friday No. 120)

David Wright, 2006 Fleer

 

Name: David Wright
Team: New York Mets
Position: Third base
Value of card: The price is definitely not right
Key 2006 stat: Two fonts in name
It's a 2000s pop quiz: What's David Wright doing with that towel?

A) He sweats like a fat man running a marathon in the Sahara, OK?
B) Popping pimples on the sly.
C) He got a little crazy with the eye black this morning.
D) Wiping off the pine tar that his jerk teammate in the background just smeared on him.
E) A and D

David Wright, 2006 Fleer

Willie McGee, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Name: Willie McGee
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two boxes of broken crayons
Key 1991 stat: 12 hypothermia deaths at Candlestick Park
Fun facts about Willie McGee and the San Francisco Giants' former home Candlestick Park:

• Candlestick Park was once known as Monster Park. Willie McGee looked like a monster in this illustration.
• Candlestick Park is known for its strong winds. Willie McGee often broke strong wind.
• Candlestick Park was the site of The Beatles' last commercial concert. Willie McGee was the site of a beetle infestation.
• Candlestick Park was hosting a World Series game when the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake struck. Willie McGee was hosting a meeting between he and the other Earth-bound aliens when they used their advanced technology to cause the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake.
• Candlestick Park was an eyesore despised by most Giants fans. Willie McGee ... well, you get it.

Willie McGee, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Jeff D'Amico, 2001 Fleer Platinum 20th Anniversary

Name: Jeff D'Amico
Team: Milwaukee BrewersTM
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Platinum (the color of the metal, printed on cardboard)
Key 2000 stat: 5-pound "hat"
Jeff D'Amico's train of thought from 12:20 to 12:21 p.m. April 17, 2001: "I'm so excited for this photo shoot. My parents are going to be thrilled. I can't wait to get a bunch of copies of this card and send them to all the people I went to high school with. Everyone will believe I'm a real big-league ballplayer now. I have the jersey, the hat, the mitt — wait, where's my mitt? Doesn't matter. I look good. I look sharp. I look like a pro. Now it's time to show the photographer my steely stare, which will ensure I look perfect on this card. I don't want some minor thing to make me look stupid. Nope, can't look stupid this time. No chance. I shaved, trimmed my eyelashes, ironed my jersey and put on my cleanest cap. One, two, three: steely stare. That's it! Perfection. I can't wait until everyone sees how professional I look on this card."

Jeff D'Amico, 2001 Fleer Platinum 20th Anniversary

Ken Griffey, 1988 Fleer

Name: Ken Griffey (not "The Kid")
Team: Atlanta Braves (the awkwardly racist logo version)
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two feathers from a brave Indian chief
Key 1987 stat: One golden child
10 of Ken Griffey's biggest accomplishments in life:
10) Playing Major League Baseball
9) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
8) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
7) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
6) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
5) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
4) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
3) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
2) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
1) Eating 26 waffles and 14 chicken thighs at Gladys Knight's Chicken and Waffles in Atlanta

Ken Griffey, 1988 Fleer

Kevin Belcher, 1991 Fleer

Name: Kevin Belcher
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: We'd tell you if this card hadn't blinded us
Key 1990 stat: Blended into background
Kevin Belcher, by the numbers:

2: Career hits
3: Career appearances on Baseball Card Bust
6: Career strikeouts
15: Career at-bats
24: Hours a day his teammates mocked him for throwing like a girl
48: Weight, in pounds, of his eyeglasses
50: Percentage of his body that is covered in blue
100: Percent chance the only reason anyone remembers him is because of his last name

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp.com

Kevin Belcher, 1991 Fleer

John Olerud, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 52)

Name: John Olerud
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: First base
Value of card: Safety first
Key 1990 stat: 17-inch-long neck
Top 10 weirdest places John Olerud wore his batting helmet:
10) A photography studio
9) Sir Putts-a-Lot Miniature Golf Course
8) Christmas dinner
7) The Spotted Blue Jay Gentlemen's Club
6) His son's Little League games
5) The infield (duh)
4) The womb
3) Inside a bouncy castle
2) Inside an actual castle
1) You'll have to ask Mrs. Olerud

John Olerud, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 52)

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 119)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Positions: Running back, "The Ball Handler"
Value of card: 18 pounds of bison dung
Key 1991 stat: One unfortunate non-nickname nickname
Time for an American pop quiz:

What, pray tell, is the inherent contradiction of this card?

(A) The back of the card says Thomas is known as "The Ball Handler," but nowhere else in the echoes of time has anyone across this vast land deemed that Thomas' nickname, for obvious reasons.
(B) Thomas plays for the Buffalo Bills, which feature a bison, commonly referred to as buffalo, as the team's mascot, but no bison ever traversed the plains of Buffalo, and, coincidentally, men named Bill are prohibited from entering Buffalo city limits.
(C) This card is a Fleer Illustration, but, at least on the front of the card, the subject is portrayed in a natural, even refined manner, as opposed to how hundreds of others were drawn in the years-long series.
(D) For true Americans like Thomas, the flag's colors never, ever run, but, on this card, they're running, and he's running, and his running is causing their running.
(E) All of the above.

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 119)

Joel Youngblood, 1982 Topps

Name: Joel Youngblood
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Astoundingly little
Key 1982 stat: A meaningless piece of history
A strange, strange man: Joel Youngblood is responsible for one of the oddest feats in baseball history, and it doesn't even have anything to do with the face he's making above. On Aug. 4, 1982, Youngblood became the only player to get hits for two different teams in two different cities on the same day. After Youngblood hit a two-RBI single in the third inning for the Mets in an afternoon game at Wrigley Field against the Cubs, he was replaced in center field and traded to the Expos for a player to be named later. Youngblood hurried to Philadelphia to be with his new team, and hit a seventh-inning single. However, there is little evidence to support the rumor that he took part in a different "doubleheader," this one involving two different prostitutes in said cities on the same day.

Joel Youngblood, 1982 Topps

Don Aase, 1986 Topps

Name: Don Aase
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Closer
Value of card: 27 butt jokes
Key 1985 stat: Often made batters guess which finger was sticking out of his glove
Grow up, already: Look, if you're hoping for jokes about Don Aase's name, you've come to the wrong place. You're looking for this, or maybe this. Today, we're interested in something much more dignified and mature: Don Aase's mustache. It's obviously something the unfortunately named pitcher is proud of      he's pointing right to it. According to Baseball Reference, that amazing lip-warmer recorded 12 saves and 20 strikeouts all on its own. But more impressively, during the off-season, Aase's mustache volunteered in a soup kitchen over the holidays, making sure Baltimore's needy were fed and warmed. We're with the guy in the ad on the wall in the background: Hats off to you, Don Aase's mustache!

Don Aase, 1986 Topps

Mike Remlinger, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Remlinger
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six pieces of ABC gum (What's ABC gum? Ask a second-grader.)
Key 1991 stat: 12 attempts to quit chewing tobacco
Time for a delicious pop quiz:

What's that in Mike Remlinger's mouth?

(A) Bubblegum, in place of a chewing tobacco addiction.
(B) The first egg of 17 to be pulled from his mouth as part of a magic trick.
(C) The cue ball, in an act of defiance after losing a game of pool to teammate Kevin Mitchell.
(D) It's skin and it's part of his throat; Remlinger is a third German, a third Portugeuse and a third lizard.
(E) None of the above.

Mike Remlinger, 1992 Upper Deck

Todd Hundley, 1997 Fleer Team Leaders

Name: Todd Hundley
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A rusty pair of scissors
Key 1996 stat: Only half his jersey buttons buttoned
Unfortunate moments in card design: It's hard to tell it here, but there's no actual white border to the left of Todd Hundley's face. Yes, the 1997 Fleer Team Leaders cards went beyond Photoshop cutouts      they were actual cutouts. You, too, could rub your fingers along Mr. Hundley's masculine cheeks and eyebrows! So, knowing that, here are a few things we can take away from this about this catcher's mug:

• His face was craggier than Mount Rushmore.
• His 'brows could have used a little work. OK, a lot of work.
• His cheekbones could have sliced through diamonds.
• The left third of his hat was either missing or dead.

Todd Hundley, 1997 Fleer Team Leaders

Pedro Munoz, 1991 Fleer

Name: Pedro Munoz
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: All the tobacco and food you can scrape off Pedro Munoz's teeth
Key 1990 stat: 7½ hat; 8¾ head
It's time for a location-based pop quiz:

Wait a sec; where the hell is Pedro Munoz standing?

(A) In the second deck of old Tigers Stadium
(B) In the second deck of a stadium that isn't Munoz's or the Twins' home stadium
(C) In the second deck of a green-screen studio with a generic baseball stadium background
(D) In the second deck of worthless baseball cards with blinding yellow borders
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Pedro Munoz, 1991 Fleer

Hal Morris, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 51)

Name: Hal Morris
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: First base
Value of card: Even trade for NKOTB self-titled debut cassette tape
Key 1990 stat: 6,200 hairs that make up one sexy set of bangs
The legend of Hal Morris: Hal Morris grew up in Boston in a sports-crazy family. But he loved to sing and dance and could play the trombone, harp, gong, kazoo, oboe and fiddle. He wanted to become an entertainer, but his father pushed him into sports and forbade young Hal from taking the stage and belting out tunes. This sent the child into an emotional tailspin. By day, he played baseball. By night, he cried. But then he met some new kids on the block: Donnie, Danny, Joey, Jordan and Jonathan. After baseball practice with the jocks, young Hal would tell his father he was headed to the library, but he'd head straight to the studio where he'd practice pop-and-lock dance routines and write catchy tunes. He took his secret career "Step by Step," always "Hangin' Tough" even when adversity got in his way. "Call It What You Want," but everyone knew young Hal had "The Right Stuff" onstage. During this secret double life, he became the sixth member of New Kids on the Block, but, after helping write some of the boy band's greatest hits, young Hal's father found out about the group and made his son promise he would never perform again. Hal was sent to Cincinnati while Donnie, Danny, Joey, Jordan and Jonathan reached 1980s mega-superstardom. By day, Hal played baseball. By night, he cried.

Hal Morris, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 51)

Ottis Anderson, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 118)

Name: Ottis Anderson
Team: New York Giants
Position: Running back
Value of card: 12 ounces of Meadowlands sludge
Key 1990 stat: Two giant feet
Clearing up some rumors about Ottis Anderson:

• Ottis Anderson didn't wear a headband that said, "Giants." He wore a headband that said, "Giant Head Behind Here."
• Ottis Anderson doesn't sport a bald head. He grows out his flowing, stark-white cotton locks. 
• Ottis Anderson doesn't wear a lot of pads. He sometimes forgets to change after starring in Michelin television commercials.
• Ottis Anderson doesn't have two massive feet. They're so big, he calls them yards.
• Ottis Anderson doesn't go by the nickname "O.J." He gave it up as part of a killer deal.

Ottis Anderson, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 118)

Gil Hodges, 2002 Topps Bowman Reprints

Name: Gil Hodges
Team: Brooklyn Dodgers
Position: First base
Value of card: A photocopy of a penny
Key 1949 stat: One round head
Blinded by science: Here are the fun facts we can gather from this reprint of a 1949 card of Gil Hodges:

• Ball caps sure are a lot less dome-like these days.
• Baseball used to be played on Mars, hence the red sky.
• "Gil" wasn't just a name; Hodges actually had gills. I mean, what else could that weird lump on his right shoulder be?
• Hodges suffered from a rare congenital defect in which skin covered up his ear holes.
• The above line contains the word "genital." Heh.

Gil Hodges, 2002 Topps Bowman Reprints

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Bowman

Name: Ozzie Guillen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: On the Cuban black market, still nothing
Key 1989 stat: Magic Marker eyebrows
Fun facts about suspended Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen and the hideous sculpture in his team's stadium:

• The Marlins' sculpture offends people with its loud music and bright colors. Ozzie offends people with his loud mouth and not-so-bright comments.
• The Marlins' sculpture does crazy things during the team's home games. Ozzie says crazy things whenever he pleases.
• The Marlins' sculpture does its job when the team hits a home run. Ozzie's going to lose his job if the team doesn't start hitting more home runs.
• Ozzie Guillen offered praise for an oppressive dictator. The Marlins' sculpture could be considered a torture device.
• Ozzie Guillen apologized for his comments about Fidel Castro. Castro and the rest of the world are owed an apology for that outfield monstrosity.

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Bowman

Phil Niekro, 2001 Topps Archives (1987 Topps)

Name: Phil Niekro
Team: Cleveland Indians
Positions: Old man, pitcher
Value of card: "At least we had values back then, sonny."
Key 1986 stat: Arthritis
We could go on all day: How old was Phil Niekro in this card? Phil Niekro was so old, he napped through the seventh-inning stretch. He was so old, he didn't know there was a New Mexico. He was so old, this was the lowest his belt got all season. He was so old that when he first came up to the bigs, the American League was called the British Colony League. He was so old, if his big-league career was a person, it'd legally be able to drink. He was so old, he called the bullpen car a "horseless carriage."  In fact, Phil Niekro was so old, he didn't need a rosin bag — he needed a colostomy bag.

Phil Niekro, 2001 Topps Archives (1987 Topps)

Bo Jackson, 1993 Upper Deck On Deck With ...

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Confusion
Key 1992 stat: 17,202 off-color jokes told
Laugh it up: Which attempt at humor has Bo Jackson offended his teammate with?

A) "There once was a girl from Nantucket ... wait, what rhymes with Nantucket again?"
B) "My hip isn't the only thing down there that's bionic."
C) "No, seriously, I'm going to hit over .230 this year!"
D) "Have you checked out Baseball Card Bust?"
E) All of the above.

Bo Jackson, 1993 Upper Deck On Deck With ...

Miguel Tejada, 2002 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Miguel Tejada
Team: Oakland's A's
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: What's the "Mona Lisa" worth? That number minus itself
Key 2001 stat: 47 hours posing for portrait
Ending a dreadful week with a touch of class: Hold on, Donruss. Just who the hell do you think you are? You spent our childhood years regurgitating laughable illustrations by the renowned artist Perez for your Diamond Kings sets, and now you're giving collectors a restrained realist portrait bathed in warm earth tones and marked by the subject's subtle expression? You're out of line. You think Donruss Diamond Kings fanboys want an evocative artwork whose straightforwardness and simplicity make it an ironic avant-garde in comparison with two decades' worth of Crayola hack jobs? Get your priorities straight, Donruss; this Diamond Kings card is dreadful in its discretion.

Miguel Tejada, 2002 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Roberto Alomar, 1991 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Roberto Alomar
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Second base
Value of card: One paint stain
Key 1990 stat: One thick eyebrow, one thin eyebrow
I don't get it: You may be asking yourself, "OK, you half-wits, what makes this card so dreadful?" First off, words can be hurtful, ma'am. But second, you're right. This Diamond King ain't so bad. The muted background color is a nice respite from the blinding 1980s backgrounds the Kings had featured. There's no poorly drawn "in action" player in the bottom right. Robbie's making a normal face, even if his eyebrows are a little uneven. In fact, you could say that this illustration is the spitting image of Roberto Alomar.

Roberto Alomar, 1991 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Cory Snyder, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Cory Snyder
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Much less than you'd need for an arcade game
Key 1988 stat: Hold on, we can't focus
Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start: Sure, Cory Snyder is so ugly he broke the Donruss printing press, causing his portrait to be out of register. But the real story here is the background. We imagine that coming up with varied, colorful backgrounds for a couple dozen cards every year can be challenging, but it looks like Mr. Perez just gave up on this one. It's clearly just a screenshot from "Asteroids." What's next, Cal Ripken Jr. over a scene from "Pitfall"? Edgar Martinez and a background of "Ms. Pac-Man"? John Kruk and "Burger Time"? OK, we could see that one.

Cory Snyder, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Kal Daniels, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Kal Daniels
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Unreasonable anger
Key 1987 stat: One flash in the pan
It's a mystery: Look, we know what you're thinking. Who the heck is Kal Daniels, and why are laser beams shooting out the back of his neck? So, we did some research, and while we still don't know much about Mr. Daniels' exploits as a baseball player — other than that he apparently was not happy to be selected for the Diamond King set — we believe we know why his neck is spraying beams of light everywhere. The only explanation is that Kal Daniels was actually a cyborg from the future, where he was called K.A.L. 3000. The acronym stands for Kill Aggressors with Lasers, and his primary duty was to use his lethal spine to protect the Space Pope from would-be assassins. No other answer makes any sense.

Kal Daniels, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Gregg Olson, 1991 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Gregg Olson
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Closer
Value of card: Three G's
Key 1990 stat: Not an alcoholic (yet)
One dreadful mischaracterization: It's pretty clear Mr. Perez didn't care too much for young Orioles closer Gregg Olson. First, he covers up the "Diamond Kings" label with a ball cap the size of Olson's head in this portrait. Second, he suggests that Olson is giving us the finger with his glove hand. But worst of all, he's painted Olson's nose and cheeks rosier than Santa's, hinting that when the pitcher's not pouring in heat, he's pouring glass after glass of straight Jameson. Olson appears to have more burst facial blood vessels than a 55-year-old Irish cop who just got punched in the nose. Honestly, we're surprised Perez didn't just change this guy's name to Gregg Molson. For shame, sir.

Gregg Olson, 1991 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Dave Parker, 1991 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Dave "The Cobra" Parker
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Outfield, old
Value of card: Two dried snake skins
Key 1990 stat: 52 years of age
It gets more dreadful with age: Here's something you don't see every day: a Diamond Kings card featuring a player without a hat or a smile. It's puzzling that Donruss and the artist, Mr. Perez, would do something special for Dave Parker. He was about 6 feet 10 and 52 years old in 1991, sure. But he was in his prime in the 1970s, so singling him out in a 1991 set seems odd. But maybe it's not his on-the-field exploits that led Donruss executives to bestow such an honor on "The Cobra." Maybe it was that awesome nickname. Maybe it was his steely stare or weathered skin. Or it could be his enviable beard or rarely seen black dude mullet. Look at that filthy mess back there. On second thought, maybe this Diamond Kings designation was well-deserved. Maybe we should save our venom and shelve our contempt for "The Cobra." Or maybe this card just bites.

Dave Parker, 1991 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Ron Darling, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Ron Darling
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Zero diamonds; zero cubic zirconia
Key 1987 stat: 14 ounces of mascara
Welcome, poor souls, to Dreadful Diamond Kings Week: Over the past two years, we've had the guts to bring you Atrocious Diamond Kings Week and God-Awful Diamond Kings Week, but we're not stopping there. Oh, no. As baseball season sweetly swings into gear, it's time for seven days of lousy illustrations and lousier write-ups. Thanks, in advance, for not hunting us down and stoning us to death.

So what makes a Donruss Diamond Kings card "dreadful"? Let's take a look. First, Mr. Darling looks quite darling, what with the eye shadow, mascara and strikingly feminine eyes. His eyes are so seductive, in fact, that it's hard to notice the uneven eyebrows or the nose that looks like it was smashed with a mallet. Next, let's ask an important question about this illustration: Why is a tiny right-handed Tom Glavine throwing a fastball from Darling's shoulder? In closing, what was the esteemed artist, Mr. Perez, trying to accomplish with a background of Cheetos? We're pretty sure this card is cheesy enough.

Ron Darling, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Tony Perez, Carlos Delgado and Eric Munson, 2002 Topps Stars Progression

Names: Tony Perez, from left, Carlos Delgado, Eric Munson
Teams: Cincinnati Reds, from left, Toronto Blue Jays, Detroit Tigers
Positions: First base, from left, first base, first base
Value of card: 1 cent for each player, minus 2 cents
Key 2001 stat: Munson's .152 batting average
It's time for a three-way version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Nowhere near Hall of Fame career (Winner: Eric Munson)
Round 2: Huge letdown after huge signing bonus (Winner: Eric Munson)
Round 3: More attention paid to dyed golden locks than to batting practice (Winner: Munson)
Round 4: Face not good enough to be featured on this card (Winner: Munson)
Round 5: Ability to get "Munsoned" in the middle of nowhere (Winner: Munson)
Round 6: Lack of Latin roots (Winner: Munson)
Round 7: Fewer than 50 career home runs (Winner: Munson)

Score: Munson 7, Delgado 0, Perez 0

Synopsis: Topps offered up a "Progression," from Perez to Delgado to, um, Munson? Well, the little-known former third-overall pick shocked the world and defeated two near-Hall of Famers, proving that, sometimes, a winner can take the "pro" out of "Progression."

Tony Perez, Carlos Delgado and Eric Munson, 2002 Topps Stars Progression