Aurelio Rodriguez, 1990 ProCards

Name: Aurelio Rodriguez
Team: Toledo Mud Hens
Position: Coach
Value of card: Mud, no hens
Key 1989 stat: Coached under a guy named Wockenfuss
Fun facts about Aurelio Rodriguez and his chest hair:

• When Rodriguez removes his shirt, you can see the Virgin Mary in that mat of manliness.
• A slave to fashion, he kept his chest hair up that high so it looked like he was always wearing a bow tie.
• He never needed to wear a coat or sweater.
• As part of hazing, Mud Hens newcomers had to comb the crumbs out of Rodriguez's fur.
• Aurelio Rodriguez fit right in in Toledo, Ohio.

Bonus not-making-this-up fun fact: Rodriguez's card in the 1969 Topps set actually features a photo of Angels bat boy Leonard Garcia.

Aurelio Rodriguez, 1990 ProCards

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Frank Thomas, Ken Griffey Jr., Roger Clemens, Roberto Alomar, Barry Bonds, Kirby Puckett, Mark McGwire, Juan Gonzalez
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Seattle Mariners, Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, San Francisco Giants, Minnesota Twins, Oakland A's, Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, outfield, pitcher, second base, outfield, outfield, first base, outfield
Value of card: More bad than good
Key 1993 stat: Too many players on one baseball card
Heroes vs. zeros: In 1993, Upper Deck produced a subset called "Future Heroes" with cards featuring eight individual players, plus the above frightening checklist. These guys were among the best in baseball at the time, but did they pan out as heroes? Let's break it down.

Frank Thomas
The Good: .301 career batting average, 521 home runs. ... Was a South Side staple for 16 years. ... Advocated for drug testing in baseball as early as 1995. ... Had a video game named after him. ... Infectious smile. ... Awesome nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Video game wasn't all that great. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, he was a ladies' man and played with explosives in his bat. ... Sour end to his time with the White Sox. ... That's pretty much it.
Verdict: Hero

Ken Griffey Jr.
The Good: .284 career batting average, 630 home runs. ... Some of the most spectacular defensive plays you'll ever see. ... Made the Mariners relevant. ... Drove up interest among young people in baseball (until the strike, that is). ... Released a series of wines to help fund charities. ... Had a series of video games named after him. ... Pretty good nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Again, video games left something to be desired. ... Could have been the all-time home run king if not for all those injuries. ... Trade to the Reds stunned fans in Seattle and across the nation. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, posed for a quasi-adult magazine and starred in a mind-numbing TV show. ... Looks kind of shady on this card.
Verdict: Hero

Roger Clemens
The Good: 354 wins, 4,672 strikeouts, career 3.12 ERA. ... Hmm, we'll have to get back to you on the rest.
The Bad: Steroid accusations, adultery accusations, throwing-a-bat-at-Mike-Piazza accusations. ... Completely torqued off at least two fan bases (Boston and Toronto). ... Once threw at his own son in a game.
Verdict: Zero

Roberto Alomar
The Good: .300 career batting average, 474 stolen bases, 210 home runs. ... Hall of Famer. ... Able to survive long winter nights in Canada.
The Bad: Spat in an umpire's face. ... Accused by two women, including his wife, of not telling them he had HIV. ... Made his brother play catcher all the time.
Verdict: Zero

Barry Bonds
The Good: .298 career batting average, 762 home runs, 514 stolen bases. ... While in San Francisco, his head grew large enough to shade his teammates at third base and shortstop, which is pretty nice.
The Bad: Steroids-palooza. ... Not exactly well-regarded by teammates, media, fans, children, dogs and four out of five dentists. ... Convicted of obstructing justice (and not David, either). ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was a career criminal.
Verdict: Zero

Kirby Puckett
The Good: .318 career batting average and one of the most memorable World Series home runs. ... Excelled as a big-leaguer despite being only 4-foot-2. ... Known for community service (other than keeping area restaurants in business). ... Beloved by Twins fans. ... Hall of Famer. ... Name was Kirby.
The Bad: According to Baseball Card Bust, became addicted to billiards and bad sweaters. ... Accused of abusing women who weren't Marge Schott. ... After retirement, couldn't stop eating, which contributed to his early death.
Verdict: Inconclusive

Mark McGwire
The Good: 583 career home runs, including a then-record-breaking 70 in 1998 that helped baseball recover from the strike scandal. ... One of the most storied mullets in all of professional sports history (see the above card for proof). ... Survived a massive earthquake by playing baseball. ... Appears to be depicted as one of the guys from Metallica on this card. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was more patriotic than Uncle Sam and George Washington combined.
The Bad: Steroids, steroids, steroids. ... Spent time with Jose Canseco. ... Undid all that good work helping baseball recover from one scandal by starting another.
Verdict: Zero

Juan Gonzalez
The Good: .295 career batting average, 434 home runs. ...Overcame rough start in Puerto Rico that probably involved this slum lord. ... Pretty cool nickname. ... Even better mustache. ... And even better eyebrows, at least in the above card.
The Bad: In the Mitchell Report. ... Been married almost as many times as Larry King. ... Friends with George W. Bush. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, made a lewd gesture on a card.
Verdict: Zero

Synopsis: Congratulations if you're actually still reading this. But no congrats to Upper Deck, which misfired on six of its eight "future heroes." Nice work, guys. What, you couldn't fit Rafael Palmeiro and Lenny Dykstra on here?

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Jon Matlack, 1973 Topps

Name: Jon Matlack
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One episode of "Matlock" on VHS (last five minutes erased)
Key 1972 stat: One crap given
The Caption returns: This photo and caption ran in a New York-area sports publication circa 1972 (as far as you know):

"Mets pitcher Jon Matlack wears skin-tight long sleeves while pretending so hard to throw a fastball that last night's plate of brisket comes out the emergency chute in one piece and lands on the grass several feet behind him. Matlack and his train engineer's hat were not injured in the incident, but the Mets are in the process of replacing their field's sod."

Jon Matlack, 1973 Topps

Oscar Azocar, 1991 Topps

Name: Oscar Azocar
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two bats, one ball, no brains
Key 1990 stat: Only halfway decent season
Well, it's not like he was busy playing: What's Oscar Azocar doing here?

A) Attempting to demonstrate how the female reproductive system works
B) Pretending to know how the female reproductive system works
C) Giving up trying to convince the photog that his first and last names aren't pronounced the same way
D) Wearing multiple T-shirts
E) All of the above

Oscar Azocar, 1991 Topps

Tim Crews, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Tim Crews
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A gerbil's shadow
Key 1991 stat: 14-pound cup
10 things going on when this photo was taken:
10) Crews' leg was breaking.
9) Mustache contest.
8) A mildly handsome middle relief pitcher was starring in a Converse commercial.
7) Stirrups were having trouble staying connected all the way up a leg to a jockstrap.
6) Crews was pitching (a tent).
5) A guy in an L.A. Dodgers hat was throwing up gang signs.
4) By the look of the runner behind Crews, the Dodgers were playing the Dodgers. Both teams lost.
3) A professional baseball player — no surprise here — was swallowing his chewing tobacco spit.
2) Crews' bulge was throwing off his equilibrium, thus knocking him off the mound.
1) Seizure.

Tim Crews, 1992 Upper Deck

David Justice, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 56)

 

Name: David Justice
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three cents more than if the card was burned
Key 1990 stat: Mentality of a 2-year-old
Actual conversation between Studio photographer and David Justice prior to this photo:
Studio photog: "OK, Mr. Justice, if you want to go ahead and put the bat down, we can get started."
David Justice: "Peek-a-boo! I see you!"
SP: "Ha-ha, that's very cute sir, but please, we've got Charlie Hough waiting, and we're not sure how much longer he can stay awake."
DJ: "Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo!"
SP: "Mr. Justice, please, this is ridiculous. Can we just act like adults and get some photos taken?"
DJ: "Peek-a-boo! There you are!"
SP: "Yes, here I am, and here's my middle finger. Now, stop it!"
DJ: "I see you!"
SP: "Fine, you don't want to have a nice, personable photo like the rest of the guys in this set? You want to look like an idiot? Fine."
DJ: "Peek-a-boo!"
SP: (Snaps photo) "This guy's even worse than that dude who looked like an owl."

David Justice, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 56)

Andre Reed, 1990 Action Packed (Football Friday No. 123)

Name: Andre Reed
Team: Buffalo BillsTM
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Less in cents than the weight of this ridiculous card in ounces
Key 1989 stat: One unnecessary trademark symbol
Let's analyze this Action Packed card, by the numbers:
0: Super Bowl appearances before this card was issued
4: Super Bowl appearances after this card was issued
0: Super Bowl victories before this card was issued
0: Super Bowl victories after this card was issued
0: Faces viewable on this card
0: Other shots considered because no faces are viewable on this card
0: Collective IQ of Action Packed photo-editing team
2.7: Weight of this card, in ounces
1.7: Value of this card, in cents
2,200: Holes in Reed's mesh jersey
2,200: Holes in Action Packed's logic for ever issuing this card

Andre Reed, 1990 Action Packed (Football Friday No. 123)

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

Name: George Brett
Team: Kansas City Royals
Potsition: First base
Value of card: Ten shots of tequila, regurgitated
Key 1989 stat: Patchy stubble
George Brett's train of thought, 11:02 to 11:04 a.m., March 7, 1990: "Damn these Florida beaches and their enticing blend of tequila and samba. ... Wait, today's baseball card photo day? Crap, I'm sweating like Cecil Fielder in a sauna. I didn't shave, I haven't showered in three days and I'm so hungover right now, the sky looks purple. ... Phew, it's only the crappy insert cards they're shooting today. Nobody will ever see these and distribute them on a poorly written and produced electronic medium two decades from now. ...  Hey, if these guys are going to smudge out the logo on my hat, maybe they can get rid of the bags under my eyes and the dried puke on my collar. Maybe I won't look like America's swarthiest man, after all!"

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

Jimmy Sexton, 1980 TCMA

Name: Jimmy Sexton
Team: Tucson Toros
Position: Infield
Value of card: Knowing that you will never wear something this hideous
Key 1980 stat: Wore something this hideous
The 1980 Tucson Toros uniforms, from A to Z:

Astros, the Toros' parent team at the time, deserved to lose 106 games for this atrocity
Blinded opponents hit just .227 against Tucson that year
Couldn't squeeze more warm colors on here if they tried
Diagonal stripes      always a good idea
Elastic waistbands made for an easy fit
Fifty-two fashion designers had embolisms after seeing this card
Gaudy doesn't even begin to cover it
Hundred-degree days must have been pleasant under all that polyester
Is that top made out of felt?
Just enough taupe to make you Google "taupe"
Kodak moment: Thank heaven we have photographic evidence of this uniform
Logo appears to be a bastardized Texas Tech ripoff
More than enough burnt orange to draw an arson investigation
No baseball player enjoys dressing like a woman. Well, at least not on the field.
Off-topic: Either he's being casual, or Jimmy Sexton's fingers are five times longer than the average human's
Players actually begged to be demoted to double-A
Quitting baseball was a viable option after these eye-sores were unveiled
Really bold use of mustard yellow on those "jerseys"
Sexton's face says it all
Tucson lost its baseball team for a few years, and this is probably why
Understandably, fans only watched the Toros' games on black-and-white TVs.
Vertical stripes on pants? At this point, is anyone going to notice?
Wizard's sleeves: not just a euphemism for a worn-out female reproductive whose-e-whatsis
X-rated? Maybe not, but I still wouldn't show this picture to kids
You know, if you have to wear this, you might as well wear the pants up to your rib cage
Zero chance Jimmy was going to get any Sexton in this get-up

Jimmy Sexton, 1980 TCMA

Tim "Rock" Raines, 1990 Bowman

Name: Rock Raines
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 1 "toonie" (in Canadian commonspeak, a $2 coin, probably with a duck on it)
Key 1989 stat: 14 words of French spoken
It's time for a north-of-the-border pop quiz:

How did Tim Raines get the nickname "Rock," as enshrined on his obnoxious necklace?

(A) Actually, he bought the necklace first and the nickname followed.
(B) Cocaine is a helluva drug.
(C) He spent his off seasons playing bass for underground Montreal heavy-metal band Les Mustachios.
(D) He conceived a Hollywood script about the existential rebirth of a grisly convict whose seminal yet concealed accomplishment of breaking out of Alcatraz in the waters of San Francisco Bay would only be eclipsed by his success, with the help of Nicolas Cage (played seemingly without effort by Nicolas Cage), in a mission to save the world from nuclear warfare brought on by a renegade general and his team of mercenaries who have overtaken a national park in the waters of San Francisco Bay in their quest to obtain a $100 million ransom in the names of fallen comrades who died in covert operations throughout the world.
(E) All of the above.

Tim "Rock" Raines, 1990 Bowman

Pete O'Brien, 1992 Donruss

Name: Pete O'Brien
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: First base
Value of card: If the "O" in "O'Brien" were a zero, it would be worth that much
Key 1991 stat: One punctuation mark in name
So, just what does Pete O'Brien stand for?

Plastic helmet reminiscent of Little League
Ear flaps clearly would have been a good idea
Tucked in all wrong
Even eighth-grade math teachers can play baseball

Oh, lord, look at that feathered mullet
'Twas barely a uniform this man would wear
Batting practice jersey during a game? Sure, who cares about looking professional?
Reflection of mediocrity in his glasses' windshield
Imagine a batter looking more ridiculous; yes, it's tough
Especially keen on sweat collectors
Never met a mesh he didn't like

Pete O'Brien, 1992 Donruss

Carl Everett, 1991 Score 1st Round Draft Pick

Name: Carl Everett
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Center field
Value of card: We could "score" it for a penny
Key 1990 stat: Zero run-ins with the law — for now
New York Yankees' scouting report on No. 1 pick Carl Everett: "It appears by this photo he has no problem playing under the glare of a thousand suns, so the New York media shouldn't be a problem. ... One thing you can count on: no personal controversies. ... Looks good in pinstripes, even pinstripes on a uniform for a pizza parlor-sponsored team. ... We've only seen him in underexposed photos, so we have no idea what he really looks like. ... Has a plus arm, plus bat, plus speed, but minus math comprehension. ... We like his baseball IQ; his real IQ, not so much. ... He has the skills to become an offensive player, and we mean someone whose play is offensive. ... We liked him when we saw him a few months ago, but since then we looked at this card and became blind, so we only have memory to go on."

Carl Everett, 1991 Score 1st Round Draft Pick

Ron Robinson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 55)

Name: Ron Robinson
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's not worth the hair on Robinson's back
Key 1990 stat: 43 pounds gained
Let's look at Ron Robinson, by the numbers:

4,960: Hairs in beard
496: Hairs on head
2: Rhyming names
0: Respectable names
218.3: Innings pitched, 1990 for Milwaukee Brewers
218.3: Trees chopped down, 1990 for Johnson & Thompson Lumberjacks
12,985: Steely-eyed stares
12,985: Words muffled by voluminous beard
12,985: Brews drank by this Brewer

Ron Robinson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 55)

Marv Levy, 1991 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 122)

Name: Marv Levy
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Head coach
Value of card: A 30-cent coupon for prune juice
Key 1991 stat: Not done losing Super Bowls
Here's what Marv Levy stands for:

Mildly constipated in this photo
AFC Championship T-shirts clog up his closet
Ready for a night out on the town, thanks to the white, button-down, collared shirt under his jacket
Volume on headset turned up to highest setting

Liver spots by the dozens
Even he can't believe Frank Reich led that comeback
Voiced his displeasure with kids on his lawn more than once
Yet to forgive Scott Norwood      for never returning his Weed Eater

Marv Levy, 1991 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 122)

Greg Fulton, 1990 Pro Cards

Name: Greg Fulton
Team: Calgary Cannons
Positions: Infield, pitchman
Value of card: As worthless as it looks
Key 1989 stat: Actually, this photo session was the only highlight for Fulton
Transcript from Calgary Cannons' promotional commercial, circa 1990: "Hey there, sports fans. (BOOM!) Oh my god, what was that? I'm, um, utility infielder Greg Fulton and I'm inviting you to come on down to Foothills Stadium for a game this season north of the border. Well, actually, if you're a Canadian, you're already north of the border. Ya see, I'm from Chattanooga, Tenn., so y'all seem strange to me. But I digress. (BOOM!) Jesus H., what was that? Anyway, the Cannons invite you to bring the family down to the ballpark to catch a game against some of the top Triple-A talent in the nation — well, there's not much baseball talent in your nation, but you can watch some pretty good Americans play the American pastime if you're not too busy cheering for the Flames. (BOOM!) Lord, what is that sound? I'm going to need a new pair of pants. If you attend a game this weekend we'll be giving out these handsome mesh jerseys Friday and these Chicago Cubs look-alike hats Saturday. (BOOM!) My ears! My ears! Um, well, I can't really hear the playback but I'll tell all you sports fans that if you can't make it Friday or Saturday you should come on down Sunday. We'll be (BOOM!) giving away (BOOM!) promotional (BOOM!) cannons (BOOM!) that you can enjoy at home (BOOM!) or take to a Flames tailgate party, eh? (BOOM!) I'm deaf. Lord, I'm deaf.

Greg Fulton, 1990 Pro Cards

Frank Viola, 1990 Bowman

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: 0.2 ounces of teammates' cocaine
Key 1989 stat: One pair of stirrups worn all season
10 things Frank Viola could be saying the moment this photo was taken:
10) Burrrp!
9) Hiccup. Burp. Hiccup.
8) Belllllch!
7) Mmmmmuuuhhhhogggg!
6) Gghttwuuugghh!
5) Brrrontosaurrrus!
4) Gah! Both ends!
3) Belch! Burp! Belch!
2) Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrelllleccccchhhhpppppp!
1) Well, pardon me. I should not have partaken in those delicious Mr. Pibbs while my teammates dabbled in prescription painkillers and powder drugs. Oh, my, I am so embarrassed. Please, forgive me, my good sirs, for this objectionable bodily function.

Frank Viola, 1990 Bowman

Pete LaCock, 1977 Topps

Name: Pete LaCock
Team: Chicago Cubs
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: Priceless
Key 1976 stat: Signed name "Peter LaCock," because it wasn't funny enough to begin with
You know what's coming: Pete LaCock had a hard time when he first broke into the big leagues. All too often, he couldn't perform at the plate, and his fielding usually came up short. His throwing arm was limp, and he couldn't get his head in the game. His rigid baserunning style left him with a throbbing injury after he tried to slide into home. He considered quitting and just taking his balls home. But with some poking and prodding by his manager, LaCock began to erect a solid baseball career. Those balls he had been swinging over started squirting through the hole and shooting into the gap. In the end, while LaCock was never a stud, he did wind up with a long, satisfying baseball career.

Pete LaCock, 1977 Topps

Adam Piatt, 2001 Upper Deck

Name: Adam Piatt
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield, on ground
Value of card: It's not worth the dirt Piatt is sleeping on
Key 2000 stat: 42 green belts in wardrobe
Here's what Adam Piatt stands lies for:

Anyone sure this faceless wonder is Piatt?
Designated hitter? More of a designated sleeper
Athletics? That apparently doesn't apply to Piatt
Mizuno wristbands, batting gloves, shoes, underwear, jockstrap, etc.

Players mocked Piatt for his insistence on all-white outfits
In the middle of this card is a bulge; nice work, Upper Deck
Awkward slides become awkward baseball cards
Tagged out by getting stomped on is humiliating
Throwing your arms up like an 8-year-old girl when you're stomped on is more humiliating

Adam Piatt, 2001 Upper Deck

Dave Stieb, 1991 Donruss Diamond Kings

Name: Dave Stieb
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Ace
Value of card: The skin that flakes off his neck from his illustrated rash
Key 1990 stat: Three botched no-hitters
The sad, true, and, finally, joyous story of Dave Stieb: Have you ever gotten incredibly close to something you desperately wanted only to fall short time and time again? Well, stop lamenting your missed opportunities. You've never been "stiebed" (and, for the record, you've never been immortalized in one of the 20th century's greatest art forms, The Diamond King, either). In the Year of Our Lord 1988, Stieb had not one but two no-hitters broken up late in a game. Make that two no-hitters broken up in the bottom of the ninth inning. Make that two no-hitters broken up in the bottom of the ninth inning with two outs. Make that two no-hitters broken up in the bottom of the ninth inning with two outs and two strikes. Make that two no-hitters broken up in the bottom of the ninth inning with two outs and two strikes in consecutive starts. Yes, that happened. To Stieb's credit, he didn't jump off a building or commit to a life of smack abuse. He kept pitching, and, alas, had another no-hitter — make that a perfect game — broken up with two outs in the ninth inning the next year, in 1989. Still, no smack. No building jumping. Not even a job offer to be a casino "cooler." He just kept pitching, and, on Sept. 2, 1990, he pitched his first no-hitter. Finally, Stieb hadn't gotten "stiebed."

Dave Stieb, 1991 Donruss Diamond Kings

Andy Benes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 54)

Name: Andy Benes
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A fish taco wrapper
Key 1990 stat: Slow to anger
Conversation between Studio photographer and Andy Benes, Feb. 22, 1991:
Studio photog: "OK, Mr. Benes, I was you to look angry now. Give the camera your meanest look."
Andy Benes: "Angry? Dude, I live in San Diego and make a living playing baseball. It's pretty hard for me to get mad."
SP: "Just give it a shot."
AB: "OK, here goes." (smiles into camera) "How is that?"
SP: "Umm, that's not really what I was looking for. Here, what happens if we do a little role playing? For instance, let's say I'm the opposing batter. How do you feel about me?"
AB: (Smiles into camera) "Whatever, you're probably not going to get a hit, and even if you do, who cares? San Diego rules! It's sunny and warm almost all year, and there are fresh fish tacos everywhere."
SP: "OK, I'm the ump and I've just thrown you out of the game and called your mother a prostitute."
AB: (Still smiling) "Sweet, fish taco time starts early! And everyone knows my mom's a saint."
SP: "An abusive cop? A scuzzball politician? Hitler? Nothing?! Hmm, wait a minute. Let's say I'm the barber, and I have orders to trim up that fine mullet you're growing back there?"
AB: (Smile falls off face) "What did you say? Look, mister, you take your unholy blades and get the hell out of San Diego, you butcher! Damn your eyes!"
SP: "Perfect, thanks!"

Andy Benes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 54)

Ronnie Lott, 1993 Playoff Club (Football Friday No. 121)

Name: Ronnie Lott
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Safety
Value of card: Not a Lott
Key 1992 stat: One haircut, eight months before this photo was taken
Time for an L.A. Gear-sponsored pop quiz:

Why did the bouncer turn away Ronnie Lott from the Playoff Club?

(A) He couldn't find Lott's name on the list based on the safety's third-grade signature.
(B) A "no humongous jacket" policy had been enacted.
(C) Lott, as seen above, was clearly intoxicated upon arrival.
(D) Clearly, Lott was a square.
(E) All of the above.

Ronnie Lott, 1993 Playoff Club (Football Friday No. 121)

Ernest Riles, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ernest Riles
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Third base
Value of card: One church belt from Goodwill
Key 1990 stat: 14 autographs given — and asked for — in one season
Time for one of our "signature" pop quizzes:

What did Ernest Riles write on that kid's ball?

(A) "Sorry for blinding you with my jersey, Joey."
(B) "Sincerely yours, the esteemed Mr. Turtleneck."
(C) "Thanks for the pen — the pen 15. Get it? Get it?"
(D) "Freddy, you look like a better athlete than that punk in the yellow hat behind me."
(E) "Thanks for telling me to block my bulge with my bat, Marty."
(F) "Sorry, I'm not Rickey Henderson."
(G) None of the above.

Ernest Riles, 1991 Upper Deck

Bobby Brown, 1982 Topps

Name: Bobby Brown
Teams: New York Yankees, MCA
Positions: Outfield, lead vocals
Value of card: 12 ounces of slime from "Ghostbusters II" set
Key 1981 stat: Two platinum records
10 things this card could lead you to say:
10) "Every Little Step" the photographer took was wrong
9) "Take It Slow" when you burn this card
8) This guy's hair looks like two diseased dogs "Humpin' Around"
7) ... and those teeth are the color of maca-"Roni"
6) "On Our Own" we could have taken a better photo
5) "Good Enough"? No chance
4) "Don't Be Cruel," keep this card to yourself
3) "Thug Lovin'" to do cocaine
2) "We're Back" to vomiting after looking at this guy
1) "My Prerogative": This card is garbage

Bobby Brown, 1982 Topps

Brian Meyer, 1991 Fleer

Name: Brian Meyer
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A clump of dog hair
Key 1990 stat: 14 games played (a career high)
Here's what Brian Meyer stands for:

Blue jersey provides visual respite from the yellow assault of the card's border.
Real possibility his undershirt is made of plastic.
It might have been nice to shave for picture day, Bri.
Also, get a haircut, you hippie.
Nice sunglasses tan.

Mustache is longer than his big league baseball career.
Ears are big enough to shade the rest of his face from the sun.
You don't remember this guy? That's funny, because ...
Everybody else says the same thing.
Reading his Wikipedia page takes all of three seconds.

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Brian Meyer, 1991 Fleer

John Boozer, 1969 Topps

Name: John Boozer
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A drop of Winner's Cup gin
Key 1968 stat: 42 drunken bar brawls
It's a '60s pop quiz: What's John Boozer doing in this photo?

A) Having lived up to his surname, he's about to pitch an invisible baseball and fall over
B) Demonstrating the best way to sweat to death by wearing a collared jacket underneath a flannel jersey
C) Demonstrating how to stand when you draw the Rapiscan machine at airport security
D) Showing off his "hands-free beer-removal technique"
E) All of the above

John Boozer, 1969 Topps

Craig Stadler, 1991 Pro Set (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 7)

Name: Craig "The Walrus" Stadler
Team: A man big enough to be his own team
Position: Ball hitter
Value of card: Three walrus whiskers
Key 1990 stat: 43 busted pants buttons
A fitting end to Another Alternative Sports Week: It has been a predictably underwhelming seven days, but we've managed to pick up a few readers who prefer sports that Europeans watch thanks to posts on golf, soccer and the like. So, in the end, we're all winners. (Except for the athletes. To them, our apologies. To the readers: Sorry to you guys, too.)
Fun facts about the Pacific walrus (O. rosmarus divergens) and Craig "The Walrus" Stadler:

• Save for orca and, in some areas, polar bears, the Pacific walrus is at the top of the food chain. Save for galaxy-devouring black holes, and, in some areas, polar bears, Craig "The Walrus" Stadler is at the top of the food chain.
• The whiskers of the Pacific walrus are a highly sensitive organ capable of differentiating among minuscule shapes. The whiskers of Craig "The Walrus" Stadler are a highly sensitive mouth eyebrow capable of storing weeks' worth of food for later consumption.
• The blubber layer below the Pacific walrus' skin is up to 6 inches thick. The blubber layer below Craig "The Walrus" Stadler's skin is, uh, see previous.
• The Pacific walrus spends a majority of its waking hours seeking its preferred meal, the mollusk. Craig "The Walrus" Stadler spends a majority of his waking hours seeking his preferred meal, the meatball hero.
• Partly because of its size and distinctive appearance, the Pacific walrus plays an important role in many Arctic cultures, most notably the Chukchi. Partly because of his size and distinctive appearance, Craig "The Walrus" Stadler plays an important role at many PGA functions, most notably the buffet line.

Craig Stadler, 1991 Pro Set (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 7)

Brett Bodine and Team Quaker State, 1991 Pro Set Racing (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 6)

Names: Brett Bodine and Team Quaker State
Team: Um, see above
Position: Sunglassed
Value of card: A lot of green (shirts)
Key 1991 stat: A future so bright, yada, yada
Team Quaker State, by the numbers:

0: Humor one of these guys finds in this situation
1: Rockin' mullet on the guy on the left
2: Guys who should have compared what they were going to wear before the race (awkward!)
6: 1-pound sunglass lenses
26: Car number Beers drank, apiece, before this photo
27: Average finishing position in 1991
270: Combined pulls of chew per day
275: Combined pulls of their "stickshifts" per month

Brett Bodine and Team Quaker State, 1991 Pro Set Racing (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 6)

Curtis Strange, 1991 Pro Set PGA Tour (Another Alternate Sports Week No. 5)

Name: Curtis Strange
Team: Teams are for suckers
Position: Golfer
Value of card: Strangely little
Key 1991 stat: Wore fuchsia
Here's what Curtis Strange stands for:

Clothes make the man ...
Under these circumstances, they make the man less manly.
Really tired of hearing jokes about his last name ...
That's too bad, Curtis, because ...
It's pretty strange for a guy to wear hot pink.
Skytel? Skyler? It's hard to read what's on his sleeve because his shirt has blinded us.

Staring off into the distance is one of the more action-packed things about golf.
That is, unless you're this guy.
Resembles Chevy Chase, vaguely.
And that's fitting, because that shirt belongs in a comedy sketch.
No point in stopping the pink shirt jokes now.
Getting a call from Curtis' wife      hang on.
Eventually, she says, she's going to need her top back (hey-o!).

Curtis Strange, 1991 Pro Set PGA Tour (Another Alternate Sports Week No. 5)

Steve Nash, 1996-97 Upper Deck (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 4)

Name: Steve NASH (apparently)
Team: Phoenix Suns on Ice
Positions: Guard, hockey player
Value of card: Zamboni exhaust
Key 1996-97 stat: Zero power play goals
Words of wisdom: The caption written (in white type on a white background       genius!) on this ridiculous card reads, "Nash shows that he too is a multi-talented superstar by displaying his love for puck." Hey, we all have love for puck, but here are a few alternate captions that Upper Deck considered for that space:

• "Nash, age 15, sets himself up for a bout with frostbite by ice-skating in shorts and a basketball jersey. Kids these days!"
• "Nash shows that he too is not very bright by trying to shoot a basketball past a goalie into a hockey net."
• "Nash is seen just moments before getting cross-checked by the Phoenix Suns Gorilla. That's bananas!"
• "Hold on, they have hockey rinks in Phoenix?"

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Steve Nash, 1996-97 Upper Deck (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 4)

Victor Moreland, 1990-91 Pacific MSL (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 3)

Name: Victor Moreland
Team: Wichita Wings
Position: Defender (not the video game)
Value of card: Color blindness, if you stare at that fan's neon pink hat for too long
Key 1990-91 stat: 184 children frightened
Uncharted territory: This is the first soccer card we here at The Bust have gotten our hands on and, to be honest, we're not all that familiar with the rules and customs of the sport. But rather than do research, which would take both time and energy, we're just going to assume some things based on what's seen here in this card.

• In soccer, it is considered bad form if the pieces of a team's uniform go well together aesthetically.
• In soccer, both haircuts and using shampoo are banned during the course of a player's career.
• In soccer, defenders are allowed to gain a psychological advantage by wrapping their exceedingly long drawstrings around their bulge.
• In soccer, it is permissible for players to wear clothing the color of Creamsicles and fans to wear hats that Stevie Wonder can see.
• In soccer, the field is tilted toward one goal in order to help the team with the stiffest white guys score easier.
• In soccer, as in baseball, bushy mustaches rule.

Victor Moreland, 1990-91 Pacific MSL (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 3)

Tommy Kono, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards Hall of Fame (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 2)

Name: Tommy Kono
Position: Weightlifter
Team: The good ol' U.S. of A.
Value of card: It's worth its weight in garbage
Key 1990 stat: 26 hours lifting weights outside a mental institution
10 reasons Tommy Kono made the U.S. Olympic Hall of Fame:
10) He rocked short-shorts like few men in the 1950s.
9) His hairdo's enviable part and wave 30 years before the 1980s.
8) He always reached for new heights.
7) Who else wore church shoes and gym socks while pumping iron?
6) Male cleavage.
5) As seen in this photo, he could lift 50 whole pounds above his head.
4) He held 21 world records (18 for his tan).
3) He doubled as a little-known female superhero in the 30th century of the DC Comics universe.
2) Weights in his hands.
1) Weight in his shorts.

Tommy Kono, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards Hall of Fame (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 2)