Sarah Josephson, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 2)

Name: Sarah Josephson
Event: Synchronized swimming
Medal count: 1 gold, 1 silver
Value of card: An air bubble (not from the nose or mouth)
Key 1992 stat: Synchronized everything except Swatches
Sarah Josephson and synchronized swimming, by the numbers:

1: Number of people on this card named Sarah Josephson
1: Number of people on this card who are Sarah Josephson's twin sister, Karen
0: Idea which one is which
15: Pounds of waterproof makeup applied before each competition
2: Olympic medals
2: Olympic medals in synchronized swimming, which is not a real sport
30: In seconds, airtime that will be dedicated to synchronized swimming over the next two weeks
100: Percent chance we'll still fist-pump if the U.S. takes gold in it

Sarah Josephson, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 2)

Charles Daniels, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 1)

Name: Charles "Charlie" Daniels
Event: Swimming
Medal count: 5 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze
Value of card: Soggy cardboard
Key 1904 stat: 2 inches of shrinkage
USA! USA!: Welcome to Baseball Card Bust's first (and likely only) Summer Olympics Special. For the next two weeks, when you're not glued to the TV, watching men in Speedos get soaking wet and teenage girls in leotards flying through the air, you can find some of America's greatest athletic heroes needlessly being mocked right here on this page. Now, we're not anti-American       quite the opposite. It's just that we couldn't find any East Germany or Soviet Union Olympic Cards to ridicule instead. Let's get started!

Fun fact that we may have made up: After being ridiculed for this photo, Charles Daniels grew a long beard, took up the fiddle and wrote a song about the devil paying a visit to the state of Georgia.

His eyes are up here, buddy: There it is, plain as day. Right there, for the whole Olympiad to see. You know you're looking at it. Why can't you stop? Does it intimidate you? Are you mesmerized by the way it stands out, thanks to Mr. Daniels' sopping wet outfit? The worst part is, you know that after you leave this page, you'll still see it in your mind's eye. I mean, why would a swimmer have a foot with a winged sandal on his suit? Wait, what exactly were you looking at?

Charles Daniels, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 1)

Ron Washington, 1989 Donruss

Name: Ron Washington
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Less than a 1-cent stamp
Key 1988 stat: 2,902,571 curls in hair
Fun facts about former Indians infielder and current Rangers manager Ron Washington and first president of the U.S. George Washington:

• George Washington was said to have teeth made out of wood. Ron Washington's mustache was made out of suede.
• George Washington wore a powdered wig. Ron Washington wore a Halloween fright wig in this photo.
• As a boy, George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree. Ron Washington rarely made such solid contact with his swing.
  
• After cutting down the cherry tree, George Washington reportedly said to his father, "I cannot tell a lie." Ron Washington's shifty eyes make him a little harder to trust.
• George Washington's military strategy was full of wrinkles to give him an advantage. Ron Washington's face was full of wrinkles, giving him the advantage of a senior discount at Marie Callender's.
• George Washington led American forces to victory in the Revolutionary War. Ron Washington is still  working on leading the American League to a meaningful victory.

Ron Washington, 1989 Donruss

Bernie Tatis, 1991 Impel Line Drive Pre-Rookies

Name: Bernie Tatis
Team: Canton-Akron Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Four AA batteries, expired
Key 1990 stat: Two sweat-soaked wristbands
Cleveland Indians' scouting report on "pre-rookie" Bernie Tatis: "This kid has a great swing when he's sitting down posing for a cheesy minor-league photo. ... Possibly the best outfielder in Canton and Akron. OK, maybe just the best in Akron. OK, there are actually better outfielders in both Canton and Akron, but he has a heckofa smile. ... You'd die to spend a weekend at Bernie's. ... Doesn't seem to mind wearing our racist logo on his cap, even in the minors. ... With skills like his, he'll soon be playing in AA-minus. ... We're thinking this 'pre-rookie' has a 'post-baseball career' at 7-Eleven."

Bernie Tatis, 1991 Impel Line Drive Pre-Rookies

Joe Montana, 1989 Living Legend (Football Friday No. 130)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Greatest quarterback of all time
Value of card: Phlegm caught inside a mouth guard
Key 1988 stat: 816 passes completed with pinky sticking out like he was at an English tea party
Let's put our hands together: Now this is something else. What an accomplishment. C'mon people, let us join together and salute the fine folks at ... uh ... uh ... there's not even a company listed on this god-foresaken card. It says "Living Legend" in comic sans on the back, which might somehow be a step up from the front, but it doesn't list the fourth-graders responsible for unleashing such a fit of failure upon the masses. The nameplate looks like it was typed on a 1986 label-maker. And the border is blue. Blue! This was, no doubt, a one-card set. Didn't these geniuses think that red or gold would be a better choice? Oh, sorry. They must have been too busy not putting any effort into a "Living Legend" that was dead on delivery.

Joe Montana, 1989 Living Legend (Football Friday No. 130)

Joe Carter, 1990 Bowman

Name: Joe Carter
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Er, um, er, um, I'm not sure; why are you asking?
Key 1989 stat: 220 hours of therapy to cure anxiety disorder
Time for an anxiety-ridden pop quiz:

Why is Joe Carter so worried?

(A) He's concerned Mr. Franklin will show up and retrieve his batting glove.
(B) He's agonizing over what he'll look like with those ridiculous flip glasses on his face.
(C) He's troubled by the pigeon that just took a bite out of his ear.
(D) He's disturbed about possibly, just possibly, being featured on a baseball card in the most unimaginative set of all time.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Joe Carter, 1990 Bowman

Bo Jackson, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six gallstones in a glass beaker
Key 1989 stat: One player, one card set, two expressions
So, what does Bo Jackson the sarcastic Diamond King stand for?

Brilliant use of muted colors
Only the finest paints the world has to offer

Just the right amount of emotion caught in his expression
Art that belongs on a museum wall
Critical praise has been heaped upon this rendering
King is too pedestrian a term for a card of such high value
Sophistication has been a hallmark of this acclaimed series
Ostensibly a portrait of Bo Jackson, but so much more
Novice artists could learn a thousand things from breathing in this card's beauty

Bo Jackson, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Scott Erickson, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Scott Erickson
Teams: Minnesota Twins, Lake Tahoe Bunny Slope Ski Team
Positions: Pitcher, lying prone after a crash
Value of card: 3 ounces of snowflakes, melted, spilled on floor
Key 1991 stat: 2 for 2 victories in ugly Christmas sweater party contests
Fun facts about skiing and Scott Erickson's life:

• In skiing, you go downhill, hopefully fast. In Erickson's life, his career went downhill, predictably fast.
• In skiing, you carve fresh powder. In Erickson's life, he carved his fresh haircut out of solid oak.
• In skiing, you carry the tools of your trade over your shoulder. In Erickson's life, he looked like a tool carrying his skis over his shoulder.
• In skiing, moguls are the large bumps traversed with speed. In Erickson's life, the Rembrandt moguls must have been high on large bumps of speed to approve this card.
• In skiing, you can wind up covered in the whitest of snow. In Erickson's life, he wound up being covered in the whitest of sweaters.

Scott Erickson, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1982 Topps

Name: John B. "Johnny" Wockenfuss
Team: Detroit Tigerfusses
Positions: Catcher, first base and outfield (not all at once)
Value of card: Less wock, more fuss
Key 1981 stat: Still had a better last name than Rusty
Top 10 nicknames for a man named John B. Wockenfuss:

10) Johnny B. Not Goode
9) Old Catcherface
8) Johnny Wock-Me-Amadeus
7) Johnny Get-A-Haircut
6) Johnny Wock-Out-With-Your-Fuss-Out
5) John B. Wockafeller
4) John B. Out-As-Usual
3) Johhny Wockenpuss
2) John B. Wocken-Passed-Ball
1) Jack Wockenfuss

Card submitted by Keith Malloy

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1982 Topps

Dwight Gooden, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: A pile of ash
Key 1990 stat: Third-degree burns
Artistic quiz time: What was the inspiration for this portrait of the Doc?

A) Gooden's blazing-fast heater, known to frighten children and right-handers alike
B) Gooden's propensity to inhale toxic substances (in this case, glove smoke)
C) Gooden's paralyzing fear of the dark, which led him to burn his own possessions at night
D) That time Gooden wore his glove for a shoe and his teammates gave him a hot foot
E) A and D

Dwight Gooden, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

John Cerutti, 1990 Bowman

Name: John Cerutti
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 18 blue jay feathers plucked from a dead bird
Key 1989 stat: Zero games started after this photo was taken
John Cerutti's train of thought from 1:18 to 1:19 p.m. May 14, 1989: "OK, let's start my windup and here comes the pitch and ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My wrist! My wrist! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It snapped! It snapped like a twig! Oh, lord, the pain! The unrelenting pain! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! For the love of all that is holy! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

John Cerutti, 1990 Bowman

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Crunch Crew (Football Friday No. 129)

Name: David Fulcher
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Position: Safety
Value of card: POP!
Key 1990 stat: 14 grade-school artists employed at Score
Meet Batman's new arch-nemesis: Batman and Robin had battled all of Gotham's villains and made the city safe again for all its citizens until the rise of The Fulcher, a new breed of evildoer whose proclivity to POP! struck fear into the hearts of the populace. Everywhere The Fulcher went, he would POP! POP! POP! These overly animated action words were, of course, some of Batman and Robin's most vital weapons, so the Dynamic Duo were up against a criminal the likes of which they had never seen. In battle after battle, The Fulcher would push Batman and Robin to the brink of 1960s TV death with a relentless stream of POPS!, leaving our heroes with only enough breath to WHAM! their way back to the Bat Cave. In their final battle with The Fulcher, the Caped Crusader and his trusted avian compatriot were being POP! POP! POPPED! until Adam West and Burt Ward could barely utter tired catchphrases. With the lives of Gotham's citizens hanging in the balance, and our heroes beaten down and in need of a miracle, The Fulcher's groin went POP!, and Batman rose again.

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Crunch Crew (Football Friday No. 129)

Tom Nieto, 1987 Topps

Name: Tom Nieto
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 22 hairs plucked from eyebrows
Key 1986 stat: 42,000 yards of fake wood grain produced by Topps
So, what does Tom Nieto stand for?

Top "catcher face" in the National League, 1986
Only wore a bathrobe on the baseball field
Manager could always count on him for doughnut runs

Nose had been broken a couple of times by foul tips
Inside those eyes you could find love
Eyebrows were furrier than a couple of chinchillas
Took squatting to a whole new level
Obviously sat on his hat for a few hours a day

Tom Nieto, 1987 Topps

Bo Jackson, 1990 Topps BIG

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: You ever heard the term "a king's ransom"? The opposite of that.
Key 1989 stat: Looked good in baby blue
It's the return of The Caption, which ran with this artistic illustration in a Kansas City-area newspaper in early 1990: "Royals outfielder Bo Jackson could be the spark that leads Kansas City back to World Series glory this season      that is, if he can stop dreaming about eating a third of a pie filled with a miniature version of himself."

Bo Jackson, 1990 Topps BIG

Kevin Mitchell, 1990 Mother's Cookies Insert

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A crumb in your shoe
Key 1989 stat: No fans, apparently
Cookie-cutter quiz: Hey, Kevin Mitchell, where is everybody?

A) "Huh? Oh crap, I'm supposed to be in Houston!"
B) "They're just impersonating A's fans today."
C) "Well, they were here, but then they saw Willie McGee's face and ran."
D) "They haven't been impressed with anything since I made that bare-handed grab."
E) "I dunno, your mom's house?"

Kevin Mitchell, 1990 Mother's Cookies Insert

Mike Piazza, 1994 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: If this were golf, it'd be a great score
Key 1993 stat: Never held a golf club before
A bad day on the greens: As noted on this blue-covered card, Mike Piazza was the 1993 National League Rookie of the Year. His manager, the often foul-mouthed and always full-mouthed Tommy Lasorda, didn't care spit about any of those words except "rookie," however. Lasorda made the young backstop caddy for him whenever he went golfing, but carrying Tommy's bag wasn't like carrying a normal golf bag. In the pockets where most duffers would keep extra balls, tees, an umbrella and a few beers, Lasorda instead kept loose items of food. Piazza would have to dislodge golf balls from smashed cannolis and extract tees from weeks-old meatballs. The bottom of the bag was filled with 6 inches of marinara sauce, meaning that after Piazza had dirtied Lasorda's lone towel with tomato-y foulness from the club handles, he would have to use his own shirt. The end of the season couldn't come soon enough for the catcher, who quickly hoisted his duties on some young Korean kid.

Mike Piazza, 1994 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Ernie Camacho, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 7)

Name: Ernie Camacho
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 40 winks of sleep
Key 1990 stat: No wins, no losses (boring!)
Wake me when it's over: The abject boredom of the 1990 Bowman set comes to a close this week, and there's no better way to wrap up this forgettable mess than with a man whose eyes are closed. The most exciting thing about this card is that it has the word "macho" on it. Ernie's hair hasn't been touched in months, his undershirt looks like it's been through the washer 500 times, and his gold chains aren't even shiny! We'd fight for our money back if we hadn't been made so lethargic by this week full of lazy, dull photography. Thanks for nothing.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Ernie Camacho, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 7)

Derek Parks, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 6)

Name: Derek Parks
Team: Minnesota Twins (sparingly, at times)
Position: Catcher
Value of card: See those bangs sticking out from under the helmet? Those, cut off, put in a plastic bag and burned
Key 1989 stat: 63-pound jaw
Scouting report on Derek Parks, in terms that also reflect this lackluster card: "I'm only pretty sure we've seen this kid before, but I'm positive the previous incarnations didn't impress. ... If we're talking Parks, it's time for some clear-cutting. ... This guy's game could put a meth addict to sleep. ... The approximate number of fans in the background reflects the approximate number of fans who think putting this guy on our team is a good idea. ... We saw flair from this kid on the field once. Excuse us, "flare." He lit a firecracker. ... We spent 27 innings studying his swing, his handling of pitchers and his overall skills. We slept through 26 of them. ... Calling this kid 'boring' is doing a disservice to blind librarians, white crayons, DMV waits and the 1990 Bowman set."

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Derek Parks, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 6)

Chris Bosio, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 5)

Name: Chris Bosio
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A clear, 4-ounce cup filled with a mixture of chew spit and mullet hair
Key 1989 stat: 32 "slimming" pinstripes
You're in the presence of greatness: Well, here it is. This is the most interesting card in the 1990 Bowman set. Cast your gaze upon it. It's the pinnacle of a mountain peak that's below sea level. Sure, it's a face shot, but he's turned to the side. Wow. Turned to the side: genius. And, unlike most of the cards in this set, the player isn't wearing a spring training batting jersey. What a treat. What. A. Treat. Bowman was even kind enough to throw in an uneven mustache, a sopping-wet mullet and a cheek full of chew. What gifts these are for the collector. And, don't look now, but there are actual people in the background, not just blurry primary colors. What will they think of next? (Answer: nothing.)

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Chris Bosio, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 5)

Scott Leius, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 4)

Name: Scott Leius
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Third base
Value of card: Less than your neighbor's garbage
Key 1989 stat: Not one, but two humongous batting helmet flaps
10 fascinating things about this completely "unboring"card:
10) "Are you serious?"
9) "What kind of a question is that?"
8) "Have you seen this card?"
7) "Have you seen this set?"
6) "Can you see at all?"
5) "I'd say ... nothing."
4) "Are we done here?"
3) Sigh.
2) (face palm)
1)

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Scott Leius, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 4)

Howard Hilton, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 3)

Name: Howard Hilton
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, hotel magnate impersonator
Value of card: 12 ounces of man sweat
Key 1989 stat: 236 nights at the Hilton (what Howard called his parents' basement)
It's art (plus an "F"): Take a bow, Bowman, take a bow. Just look at this gem. It's yet another example of the inventive, innovative, outside-the-box thinking for which this card set is known. What else is it known for? Straightforward poses, mangy mullets, unshaven faces, tufts of chest hair, gallons of sweat stinking of last night's booze, and monotonous backgrounds that add absolutely nothing to an already worthless card. Yup, this is something special. Not only is this guy a slob's slob, but we get to gaze upon this pigpen without any distractions, doodads or creativity getting in the way. The accommodations here? Less Hilton, more fleabag motel.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Howard Hilton, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 3)

Ron Hassey, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 2)

Name: Ron Hassey
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 14 nose hairs
Key 1989 stat: 152 pot pies eaten
A face filled with boredom: Wow, Bowman. Nice work. This card is so boring, it looks like it bored Ron Hassey while the photo was being taken. The photographer had to put the camera lens 4 inches from Hassey's jowls just to keep him awake. There's no sense of place, save for the gas station sign reaching into the sky behind the A's catcher, which, actually, seems appropriate. And the Bowman boys could have done so much with this assignment. Hassey is a catcher, so the photo could have depicted him squatting, which is much better than slack-jawed staring. Or maybe we could have seen a side shot, allowing Hassey's mullet curls to have a moment in the sun. But no, we're subjected to an awkward stare-down with a backup catcher who had as many holes in his swing as he had in his practice jersey. Well, at least now we have intimate knowledge of Hassey's pores.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Ron Hassey, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 2)

Alan Zinter, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 1)

Name: Alan Zinter
Team: New York Mets (We had to do some research.)
Positions: Outfield, first base
Value of card: Two of the plastic circles cut out of batting helmets to make the ear holes
Key 1989 stat: 12 stolen bags (of mesh practice jerseys)
Welcome to Boring Bowman Week: We've hit a new low here at The Bust, even though most of you thought that was impossible. But thanks to the brainiacs behind the 1990 Bowman set, it happened. In honor of baseball's most idle week (only the all-star game will be played between now and Friday      and it doesn't even count!) we are dedicating a week's worth of posts to this nondescript, unimaginative and altogether boring card collection of your favorite athletes in their most pedestrian of poses. By the looks of the cards you'll see this week, we think Bowman sent out a blind high school photography student with a disposable Kodak and gave him three days to get photos of the more than 700 players who make up this set. Don't agree? We'll do our best over the next seven days to bore you into believing us.
Lazy, just plain lazy: Imagine a 10-year-old ripping open a pack of 1990 Bowman cards on a sunny spring morning, hoping to score a couple of collectibles of his favorite players in action shots he could show off to his friends and family. And then, this: possibly the most boring baseball card the world has even seen. First off, no one outside the New York Mets' front office has ever heard of Alan Zinter. But that's fine, because hundreds of prospects go unheralded until they hit the big time. But Bowman didn't even do the 10-year-old and the rest of the world's collectors the courtesy of getting Zinter in a real uniform. He's wearing a Little League helmet, for chris'sakes. Well, at least we know what position he plays. Oh, wait, that basic information is left off the front of the card, probably to allow for more room for the blurred, unrecognizable landscape and the shadow over the subject's eyes. Nice work, Bowman.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Alan Zinter, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 1)

Will Clark, Rafael Palmerio, 1989 Fleer Superstars

Names: Will Clark and Rafael Palmeiro
Teams: San Francisco Giants and Chicago Cubs
Positions: First base and outfield
Value of card: Half the food in Palmeiro's mustache
Key 1988 stat: Zero congressional hearings
Two players, one Bust cup: It's time for an All-Star Matchup!

Round 1: Refusal to shave face or space between eyebrows that day (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: $5 mesh jersey with a giant Cubs sticker on it (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 3: Mustache resembling a Rorschach inkblot (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 4: Later shared a locker room with Barry Bonds (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Later shared "supplements" with Barry Bonds (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 6: Getting a bigger kick out of touching chests in this photo (Winner: Clark)
Round 7: Luxurious, dark-as-midnight mullet (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 8: Wearing a T-shirt that's been washed 13,966 times (Winner: Clark)
Round 9: Looks better in a suit (Winner: Palmeiro)

Final score: Palmeiro 5, Clark 4

Synopsis: No lies here, folks     Rafael Palmeiro has tested positive for victory. Will Clark will have to take solace in the fact that at least he's not one of baseball's all-time scumbags.

Will Clark, Rafael Palmerio, 1989 Fleer Superstars

Joe Girardi, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 61)

Name: Joe Girardi
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Dandruff
Key 1990 stat: Impeccable eyebrows
The end of an era: It's been well over a year since we started mocking the ill-conceived 1991 Studio baseball card set, and we've all had a few laughs. (You laughed once, right?) Alas, we've run through the worst of a bad lot, and rather than run this gag further into the ground, we've decided to end the black-and-white antics. A look at this card should tell you why. You see, the idea behind the 1991 Studio set was to give card collectors a more personable glimpse at their favorite players. For some, this meant incorporating wildlife into the shot. For others, it meant a prized piece of clothing. Some players stared meaningfully into the camera, while others showed how carefree they could be. But by the time the photogs got to Joe Girardi, they had run out of ideas. "You're a catcher, right?" you can almost hear the shooter saying. "I don't know, maybe put your mask on top of your head? We haven't done that yet. Yeah, great." And that's a wrap.

Joe Girardi, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 61)

Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps 1000 Yard Club (Football Friday No. 128)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1,000 nothings
Key 1987 stat: 1,000 something
Let's take a look at Jerry Rice, by the numbers:

1,000: Yards receiving
1,000: Dollars spent on helmet visors
1,000: Card insert designs better than this one
1,000: Children who could have come up with a more sophisticated idea
1,000: Seconds put into this card's border illustration
1,000: Reasons never to buy a pack of 1988 Topps football cards

Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps 1000 Yard Club (Football Friday No. 128)

Bob Lemon, 1988 Pacific Baseball Legends

Name: Bob Lemon
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One trip to the HR office
Key 1987 stat: 4,199 stories of hardship told to grandkids
Oh dear: What's the most offensive thing about this card?

A) Bob Lemon's high-riding cuffs. Have you no fashion sense, sir?
B) Bob Lemon's rumpled windbreaker collar
C) Bob Lemon's sour expression
D) Well, just look how off-center the border is! Sheesh!
E) Oh, come on. Do we really have to say anything?

Bob Lemon, 1988 Pacific Baseball Legends

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Toys R Us Rookies

Name: Gary Sheffield
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 25 cents for a turn to sift through Toys R Us garbage bins
Key 1988 stat: 24 toy stores visited by the rookie
Fun facts about Gary Sheffield and Toys R Us:

• Toys R Us sells Legos. Sheffield also enjoyed attaching male parts to female parts.
• Toys R Us sells G.I. Joe action figures. Sheffield also featured a codpiece.
• Toys R Us sells Barbie dolls. Sheffield also held an affection for a guy named Ken.
• Toys R Us sells Big Wheels. Sheffield also had ridiculous-looking vehicles.
• Toys R Us sells Starting Lineup athlete action figures. Sheffield was one.

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Toys R Us Rookies

Ron Gant, 1988 Topps Kmart Dream Team

Name: Ron Gant
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Dream Team
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 35-cent coupon to Kmart
Key 1987 stat: 27 "blue-light specials" (wink, wink)
A sampling of Ron Gant's dreams circa 1988:

• He dreamed he had a flowing mullet that angels kissed and fairies stroked.
• He dreamed he was falling — into great prices at his local Kmart superstore.
• He dreamed he was a sex symbol whose muscular physique led millions of new fans to appreciate the game of "hardball."
• He dreamed he was a man with an incredibly short full name, Ron Gan.
• He dreamed he showed up to a baseball game wearing his Sunday's best belt.
• He dreamed his pencil-thin mustache grew as bushy as the ivy at Wrigley Field.
• He dreamed he was part of an incredible team of dream athletes, a Dream Team, if you will.

Ron Gant, 1988 Topps Kmart Dream Team

Mike Scott, 1990 Bowman

Name: Mike Scott
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Jack spit
Key 1989 stat: Irritable bowel syndrome
Something stinks here: What's missing from the photo on this card?

A) Scott's magazine
B) A roll of TP
C) A bottle of Pepto
D) Decency
E) All of the above

Mike Scott, 1990 Bowman

Vicente Palacios, 1992 Donruss

Name: Vicente Palacios
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A used Tic-Tac
Key 1991 stat: Constant fear
Vicente Palacios' train of thought from 12:03 to 12:05 p.m., March 16, 1992: "Please don't throw the ball to me, please don't throw the ball to me, please don't throw the ball to me, please don't throw the ball to me, OH CRAP, HERE COMES THE BALL! Whew, it didn't hit me. OK, here you go guys, now please don't throw the ball to me, please don't throw the ball to me, please don't throw the ball to me, SON OF A! Why do you insist on throwing the ball to me!? OK, gonna have to try to catch it      OW! God, that hit me right in the junk! Here, take the damn ball back! Please, for the love of God, don't throw the ball to me, please, for the love of God, don't throw the ball to me, please, for the love of God, don't throw the ball to me, please, for the love of God, don't throw the ball to me, NOT AGAIN! Oh hell, I think I pooped myself. Yep, I did. Screw this, I'm going to the clubhouse."

Vicente Palacios, 1992 Donruss