Jacob Green, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 4)

Name: Jacob Green
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: One MP3 download of a Lionel Richie song
Key 1990 stat: One song sung to 10,000 lucky ladies
Jacob Green's karaoke pickup song, circa 1990: 

"I've been alone with you inside my mind. And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times. I sometimes see you pass outside my door.

Hello. 

Is it me you're lookin' for? 

I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your smile. You're all I've ever wanted and my arms are open wide. 'Cause you know just what to say and you know just what to do. And I want to tell you so much — I love you.

I long to see the sunlight in you hair. And tell you time and time again how much I care. Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow.

Hello. 

I've just got to let you know. 

'Cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart for I haven't got a clue. But let me start by saying — I love you.

Hello. 

Is it me you’re lookin' for? 

'Cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart for I haven't got a clue.

But let me start by saying — I love you."

Jacob Green, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 4)

Frank Thomas, Bo Jackson, 1991, um, Bash II? ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 7)

Names: Frank Thomas, Bo Jackson
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: It's worth bashing, all right
Key 1990 stat: Two careers headed in different directions
Real quick: Before we get to the players pictured above, let's talk about the back of this card. In child-like scribble, it predicts the future, talking about how these guys are the next Bash Brothers (only without the steroids) and mentioning a "new bashing era for White Sox fans" that isn't meant as a reference to the team's World Series drought. OK, Bash II Trading Card Company (or whoever the hell made this garbage), good call.

Bye-bye, Big Hurt: What better way to wrap up a week of horrendous baseball cards than by bringing in a guest star who was responsible for some equally horrendous baseball cards? These two guys saw their faces on a lot of crap in the early '90s      it's about time they faced off in The Matchup.

Round 1: Better White Sox uniform (Winner: Jackson)
Round 2: More color, both in uniform and in face (Winner: Thomas)
Round 3: Heart-melting smile (Winner: Thomas)
Round 4: Better pouty face (Winner: Jackson)
Round 5: Better nickname (Winner: Thomas)
Round 6: Worst sports card of all time (Winner: Jackson)
Round 7: Destined to play more than 183 games the rest of his career (Winner: Thomas)

Final score: Thomas 4, Jackson 3

Synopsis: Come on, you knew Big Hurt wasn't going to lose a Matchup during his very own week, didn't you? It was a back-and-forth battle, but once again Bo's serious hip injury keeps us wondering what might have been.

Frank Thomas, Bo Jackson, 1991, um, Bash II? ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 7)

Frank Thomas, 1993 Score All-Star Team ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 6)

Name: Frank Thomas

Team: Chicago White Sox

Positions: First base, designated hitter

Value of card: 1 Swiss franc

Key 1991 stat: 279 frankfurters eaten

10 reasons this card is awesome:

10) It was drawn by a blind hyena.

9) The glove has a G on it. For, uh, "glove."

8) Illustrated wristbands and turtlenecks are almost as cool as the real things.

7) It's the 1992 all-star team — in the 1993 set. Rad.

6) Nike gets a free plug on some super-hightops.

5) The stunning physical realism.

4) Frank likes it because it makes his butt look small.

3) It's the all-star team. Hence the giant star. How subtle.

2) 60-pound jowls.

1) Frank is, apparently, a white-handed batter.

Frank Thomas, 1993 Score All-Star Team ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 6)

Frank Thomas, 1993 Upper Deck KidStars ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 5)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago Tiny White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter, orthodontia patient
Value of card: A trade: your chocolate milk for lil' Frankie's Oreo cookies
Key 1992 stat: Third place, KidStars Trivia and Drinking Contest
Time for a quiz about a quiz:

Who scored 108 runs, had 115 RBI and walked 122 times in 1992?

(A) The cutest damn kid in Ms. Beasley's fourth-grade class in Columbus, Ga.
(B) The best player on the Lions' Little League team.
(C) The subject of one of the dumbest card subsets of all time.
(D) The tooth fairy's No. 1 client.
(E) A mini mock turtleneck model.
(F) All of the above.

Frank Thomas, 1993 Upper Deck KidStars ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 5)

Frank Thomas, 1992 MLB Aces ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 4)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter, card player
Value of card: One flush (of a toilet)
Key 1991 stat: 4 of diamonds
Here's the deal: In the 1990s, it would have been stupid to bet against Frank Thomas. He hit jacks on the diamond, had great hands and was the king of the South Side. For the White Sox, he was a bridge to the future. At practice, he'd go all-in. Hour after hour he'd shuffle between the batting cage and the video room, looking for ways to burn the opposition and raise the team in the standings. Off the field, he'd wear diamonds to the club, break a few hearts and punch David Spade in the neck if he stepped out of line, all with a glass of gin in his hand. He wasn't afraid to make a call, and when it came to stats, he had no limits. When runs were being batted in, Thomas would always follow suit. And while he was on deck, White Sox fans thought one thing: jackpot.

Frank Thomas, 1992 MLB Aces ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 4)

Frank Thomas, 1992 Pacific Coast Sportscards ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 3)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: We know it's the Chicago White Sox, but that's not indicated anywhere on the card
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: One drawing of a fake-gold necklace
Key 1991 stat: Two girlish eyelashes
Oh, yeah, here's a winner: Wow, what a legendary piece of garbage. Twenty years after the fact, it's hard to believe that someone would spend the time to produce this card. And it's harder to believe that this card probably made that scab at least a few thousand dollars. It's not just the crude illustration by fourth-grader lil' Eddy David. Well, actually, that's a big part of it. Frank Thomas was a masculine man, but here he looks like his makeup was done for junior prom. Thomas played for the White Sox, and not only is there no mention of the team on the card, but he appears to be wearing a Cubs uniform. You see it? It's right there, underneath the absurd depiction of a grandmother's gold necklace. But let's put away this waste of watercolor for a moment and focus on the brand. Pacific Coast Sportscards, huh? We're pretty sure they made one card, and it featured a player whose team's home was about 2,200 miles from the Pacific Coast. And one last thing: Apparently, Pacific Coast Sportscards seems to represent four sports. In the gold-plated cutout, there's a basketball, a baseball, a football and, um, a mushroom? Well, you'd have to be 'shrooming to think this card was a good idea.

Frank Thomas, 1992 Pacific Coast Sportscards ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 3)

Frank Thomas, 1992 Baseball Card Presents ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 2)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: 16 TV Guides from the late 1980s used to mop up air-conditioning condensation
Key 1991 stat: 22,986 hours of TV watched
10 television shows that could star Frank Thomas with one word change:
10) "Thomas in Charge"
9) "The Big Hurt Theory"
8) "Lacking Chicago Hope"
7) "Magnum D.H."
6) "Beavis and Huge-Head"
5) "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlenecks"
4) "Baseball Brew Masters"
3) "Frank 'Nose' Best"
2) "The Mesh Prince of Bel-Air"
1) "Frank Thomas the Tank and Friends"

Frank Thomas, 1992 Baseball Card Presents ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 2)

Frank Thomas, 1990 U.S. Baseball Federation BDK Card Co. ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 1)

Name: Frank Thomas
Teams: Team USA, Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Six nights' stay at the Fleabag Motel in Millington, Tenn.
Key 1946 stat: One photo printed on Johannes Gutenberg's first printing press
Welcome to "Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week: We're celebrating one of the biggest and baddest sluggers of the 1990s with a full week of cringe-inducing cards from such esteemed companies as Topps, Upper Deck and BDK Card Co. Umm, what company? Anyway, Thomas is the subject of some of the worst card concepts in history, having been the No. 1 collected player during the industry's boom years of the early to mid-1990s. For him, this proved embarrassing. For us, it's something to ridicule between binges of Winner's Cup vodka. Want a few examples? How about cards that utilize lightning, MTV and dynamite. Think those are terrible? This week has six more days.
Team USA's scouting report on young Frank Thomas: "This guy is as American as apple pie, bald eagles and crappy baseball cards produced in garages by losers trying to scam kids out of their allowance. ... I foresee a bright future for him — in a Chuck Norris movie. ... Talk about patriotism. That's not our uniform; he walks around supporting America. ... Looks good in a USA jersey made in China. ... A five-tool player: hits for power, hits for average, throws well, fields great and tucks shirts with the best of them. ... Excellent future in mesh. ... Could be great for the Red, White and Blue if we could find a photo of him that's not black-and-white. ... Easily the best player in Millington, Tenn. OK, the only player in Millington, Tenn."

Frank Thomas, 1990 U.S. Baseball Federation BDK Card Co. ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 1)

Bob Golic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 3)

Name: Bob Golic
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Defensive lineman
Value of card: The sweat from that rag Golic's holding
Key 1991 stat: Three hours spent locked in weight room
A lesson in the human form: Wow. Who says sports cards can't be art, huh? Look at the way Bob Golic's epic mullet catches the light of dusk (or is it dawn?), sending rays of light and beads of sweat shooting every which way. Or the sun glowing against Golic's muscles and stretch-marked skin, highlighting what can happen if you work very hard, lift a lot of weights and absolutely do not take steroids. Then there are Golic's sweat-stained undershirt and old gym sock that he's holding. Both are drenched and disgusting, byproducts of the work it takes to sculpt one's self into a Grecian god. Or is that a grease-cian god? Either way, hats off to you and your steel-wool beard, Bob Golic. The only shame in this Sunday portrait is ours, knowing we will never look half this awesome.

Bob Golic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 3)

Ben Grieve, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Ben Grieve
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Its prospects aren't good
Key 1993 stats: Four times levitating; zero injury-free landings
Teen magazine Tiger Beat's scouting report of Oakland A's draft pick Ben Grieve: "This dreamboat is a five-tool player: Perfect smile, piercing blue eyes, baby soft skin, strong muscles and a cute little butt. ... His name is Grieve, but girls in the Bay Area won't have to do that until this hunk gets married. ... He even manages to make green mesh look good. Just imagine what it looks like when he's not wearing a T-shirt under it! ... Some might call his adorable ears big, but we're pretty sure that just means he's a good listener. ... Let's face it: It would be worth ducking bullets in Oakland just for a chance to meet this sweetheart!"

Ben Grieve, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Alex Molden, 1996 Donruss (Football Friday No. 135)

 

Name: Alex Molden

Team: New Orleans Saints

Position: Cornerback

Value of card: A moldy dollop of sour cream

Key 1996 stat: 42,801 hours spent trying to balance a football on his head

Saints' scouting report of rookie defensive back Alex Molden, circa 1995: "This guy can cover anything. At least, that's what his college newspaper adviser said about his reporting skills. ... It looks like he can barely raise his hands above his head. We're working on that. ... His ball-handling skills are a little lacking. However, his ball-balancing-on-head skills are superb. ... He says he picked the number 36 because he runs a 3.6. Too bad that was the 20-yard dash. ... His agent keeps calling him 'Alex Golden.' That guy's an idiot."

Alex Molden, 1996 Donruss (Football Friday No. 135)

Mike Flanagan, 1989 Topps

Name: Mike Flanagan
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Positions: Pitcher, chillin'
Value of card: "Chillax, bro"
Key 1988 stat: 639 mesh holes
Mike Flanagan's train of thought from 7:17 to 7:19 p.m. Aug. 21, 1988: "Aw, man, I love this game. Nothing like sitting in the dugout, chewing some seeds and combing my 'stache. Boss man thinks I'm lazy. Go figure. So I'm just hanging out, using the old mullet as a pillow. Big deal. This ain't my day to pitch. What, they want me hanging over the railing like some rook, pretending I'm interested in the Blue Jays? Huh, slim chance. Despite this sign behind me, this is barely a baseball club. There's too much blue in this dugout, and I prefer my birds in the orange-and-black variety. And I prefer my bird teams of another flock. That's right, until I get back south of the border, it's chill time, bro."

Mike Flanagan, 1989 Topps

Jamie McAndrew, 1993 Topps

Name: Jamie McAndrew
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Tree sap on your windshield
Key 1992 stats: Drafted four years earlier; still hadn't played a big league game
It's time for The Caption, which probably ran in a Miami newspaper sometime in the early '90s: "Florida Marlins minor leaguer Jamie McAndrew does a bad job of hiding behind a tree in Buena Vista Park on Thursday after stealing a uniform from the big league club and fleeing the scene. McAndrew, who is 25 despite looking 45, was caught and arrested shortly after this photo was taken. The uniform was returned to the Marlins, who, like their fans, disavowed any knowledge of McAndrew's existence."

Jamie McAndrew, 1993 Topps

Bruce Sutter and Rollie Fingers, 1982 Topps Team Leaders

Names: Bruce Sutter, Rollie Fingers
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals, Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Closers
Value of card: To barbers, priceless
Key 1981 stat: 22,142,861 hairs
It's time for the hairiest edition of The Matchup of all time:

Round 1: Beard (Winner: Sutter)
Round 2: Mustache (Winner: Fingers)
Round 3: Mullet (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Chest hair (Winner: Sutter)
Round 5: Eyebrows (Winner: Fingers)
Round 6: Bangs (Winner: Sutter)
Round 7: Um, hair down there (Winner: No one)

Score: Sutter 3, Fingers 2, Ties 1, Puke 1

Synopsis: A couple of Hair Hall of Famers squared off in The Matchup, and they didn't disappoint, with both proving they're a cut above but Sutter squeaking out a razor-thin victory.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Bruce Sutter and Rollie Fingers, 1982 Topps Team Leaders

Kyle Washington, 1991 ProCards

Name: Kyle Washington
Team: Columbus Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Half a Washington (quarter, not dollar bill, so 12.5 cents)
Key 1990 stat: 22 hours trapped in a giant fishing net (see above)
Cleveland Indians' scouting report on prospect Kyle Washington: "He's worn the smaller version of our racist logo so well he's earned a chance to wear the big racist one. ... Good at chopping wood; haven't seen him swing a bat. ... May not know how to hit against live pitching, but he sure looks determined when he's posing for baseball cards. ... We have an opening for a guy with a 14-year-old's mustache. ... Swings with his chin tucked between his shoulder and chest, which is dumb but pretty funny to watch. ... This kid has proved he's a heckofa tucker despite working with a worn-out belt and a minor-league jersey. ... Easily the second-, make that third-best baseball player named Kyle Washington in Columbus, Ohio. Make that fourth-best."

Kyle Washington, 1991 ProCards

Jim Covert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 2)

Name: Jim Covert
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: 11 pine needles
Key 1990 stat: 10 hiding places
Jim Covert's stream of consciousness from 1:12 to 1:14 p.m. March 14, 1991: "Nope, they'll never find me. For I am Jim Covert, the most covert of operatives the NFL has ever seen. I'll hide here, under this tarp. ... Drat! The photographer found me. I'll hide here, in this pile of dirty jockstraps. ... Foiled again by this blasted photographer. I'll hide here, behind this tree and within this tackling sled. ... Darn it all to heck, he found me again. Well, take your picture, my esteemed sleuth, for I am Covert, the man of a thousand hiding places, and no one will ever see me behind this mustache, under this beanie or wrapped up in 12 pounds of jacket."

Jim Covert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 2)

Bip Roberts, 1996 Upper Deck

Name: Bip Roberts
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: Outfield, second base
Value of card: One dried-out pen
Key 1995 stat: 1,216 "bips" (don't ask)
Bip Roberts is a good guy who signs a lot of autographs; a few choice selections:

• "Johnny, thanks for asking, but I won't show you my 'bip.'"
• "Christie, you're a sweetheart. I like Rickey Henderson, too. But I'm not him."
• "Greg, please, I've signed 14 autographs for you and you're at least 40. Let the kids get some."
• "Julie, pass this ball with my phone number on it to your hot mom. And wink at her."
• "Marty, don't tell anyone, but under this jersey is a leotard superhero costume."
• "Patty, any chance you and the rest of the idiots can come down lower so I don't have to pull a muscle stretching to reach you?" 

Bip Roberts, 1996 Upper Deck

Warren Moon, 1990 Score Hot Gun (Football Friday No. 134)

             

Name: Warren Moon

Team: Houston Oilers

Position: Quarterback

Value of card: Six drops of oil

Key 1989 stat: Zero photos that weren't blurry

Yup, it's another Wiki Entry: This is another in what is sure to become a much-loved Bust tradition. In this feature, we copy a Wikipedia entry straight from the site, and then change a few key words to make the description better fit the card. Enjoy what is sure to be the literary highlight of your day.
The Moon Wiki Entry (changes in red): Warren Moon The Moon is the only natural quarterback satellite in Houston, of the Earth, and the fifth largest dude satellite in the room. Solar System. He throws the football It is in synchronous rotation with his arm, Earth, always showing the same face with a mustache. He It is the brightest quarterback object in the league sky after Joe Montana, the Sun, although Moon's its surface is actually very dark, with a similar reflectance to coal. (Hey, blame Wikipedia.) His Its prominence in the league sky and his its regular cycle of passes phases have, since ancient times, made the Moon an important cultural influence on pulling down your pants and showing others. language, calendars, art and mythology. The Moon's gravitational influence produces lopsided victories the ocean tides and the minute lengthening of the team's time in the playoffs. day. The Moon's current bulge orbital distance, about 30 times the diameter of the Oilers logo, Earth, causes it to appear almost the same size on the bed in the sky as the pillow, Sun, allowing it to cover a woman the Sun nearly precisely in total solar eclipses.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Warren Moon, 1990 Score Hot Gun (Football Friday No. 134)

Juan Samuel, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Juan Samuel
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Second base
Value of card: Not-so-awesome action
Key 1991 stat: Dove back into first base many, many times
Nice try, Donruss: No one's really sure what the point of the 1992 Donruss Triple Play set was, but several of the cards included action shots with the caption "AWESOME ACTION!" The only problem with this particular card is that the alleged awesome action is Juan Samuel diving back into first on a pickoff play. Ooooooooh, how exciting! Of course, this photo had to beat out something else, so here are some of the shots from this Dodger game rejected by the good folks at Donruss.

• Darryl Strawberry passed out in the dugout after a night of L.A. partying
• Mike Scioscia throwing the ball back to Orel Hershiser after a called strike
• Tommy Lasorda patting his belly
• Roger McDowell trying to give Eddie Murray a hot foot
• Eddie Murray punching Roger McDowell in the gut
• Juan Samuel wiping the dirt off his pants after diving back in to first

Juan Samuel, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Jimmy Key, 1988 Topps

Name: Jimmy Key
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A single tear
Key 1987 stat: Forever alone
Jimmy Key's train of thought from 7:21 to 7:24 p.m., April 23, 1988: "Hey, how come nobody wants to sit with me? Guys? I don't have a no-hitter going, you know. You wouldn't be jinxing anything. ... What, is it my plastic second-layer shirt? I know it makes strange noises, but that's not actually me farting. See, look. (rubs plastic shirt material together) Ha-ha, it sure sounds like it though. That's funny. ... But seriously, guys, come on. I just want some company. We can talk about whatever you want. Or we don't have to talk at all. You can just ignore me, pretend I'm not even there, like my wife does. ... No one? Not even if I warm up the seat with my hand? Aw, this sucks. I knew I should have showered this week."

Jimmy Key, 1988 Topps

Turner Ward, 2001 Topps

Name: Turner Ward
Team: Arizona Diamondbacks
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One sweater with the neck stretched out
Key 2000 stat: .173 batting average
Ten things (and there may only be 10) bigger than Turner Ward's neck:
10) The rings of Saturn
9) The Big Hole in South Africa
8) The big hole in Turner Ward's swing
7) Sputnik
6) The Chunnel
5) Randy Johnson's mullet
4) That meteor that Bruce Willis blew up in "Armageddon." That movie rules.
3) Barry Bonds' head
2) Barry Bonds' ego
1) Turner Ward's purple turtleneck

Turner Ward, 2001 Topps

Mark Davis and Bret Saberhagen, 1990 Classic

Name: "Royal Flush": Mark Davis and Bret Saberhagen
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Two free tickets to a Royals spring training game
Key 1989 stat: Six teeth-whitening sessions apiece
It's time for a Kansas City special version of The Matchup:
Round 1: Blindingly blue gloves (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Mini-mullet growth (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Sweet, sassy, golden tans (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Freshly laundered uniforms (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Teeth as shiny as their uniforms (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Hand-holding below photo frame (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Height (Winner: Davis)

Score: Davis 1, Saberhagen 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: Everything about them seemed to be the same, including their fates, stuck within a Zubaz- and gay-tiger-inspired baseball card. But Mark Davis inched ahead of the Cy Young winner, who could argue the only real difference between the two was talent.

The losers: In the end, no one really won, especially card collectors, most of whom followed this card's advice and deposited it in the toilet.

Mark Davis and Bret Saberhagen, 1990 Classic

William Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 1)

Name: William "The Refrigerator" Perry
Team: Chicago Bears
Positions: Defensive live, bowling ball
Value of card: One pair of Zubaz pants stretched out beyond all possible use
Key 1990 stat: Three missing teeth
The first of a season's worth of Shameful Sunday Portraits: Summer will soon turn to autumn, the leaves will fall, the air will become crisp, and hulking men in skin-tight uniforms will hurl their bodies at one another at breakneck speed with little regard for personal safety. Ah, yes, pro football is back, and we're commemorating what's sure to be a legendary season with a not-so-legendary Shameful Sunday Portrait for each week that goes by. So, enjoy these manly men every Sunday for the next 20 or so weeks. You can thank us later for the fashion tips.
10 kitchen-related nicknames the Fridge used:
10) The Garbage Disposal, for his stomach
9) The Kitchen Sink, for the only thing he wasn't going to eat for lunch but then did eat for lunch
8) The Sausages, for his fingers
7) The Dishwasher, for his wife
6) The Toaster, for when he trapped his wife under the sheets after passing gas
5) The Zubaz, for his Zubaz
4) The pot, for marijuana
3) The Ice Tray with a Few Missing Cubes, for his teeth
2) The Stocked Cupboard, for his gut
1) Da Udda Fridge, for his refrigerator

William Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 1)

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 20 cents off your next Glamour Shots session
Key 1991 stat: Wore no shirts more often than two shirts
Here's what Jose Canseco stands for:

Jock strap stuffed with tissue to impress the ladies
Once modeled for Jordache
Shoot, if only I could think of something that starts with "S"
Everybody should be on Twitter just to read this guy's insane thoughts

Crap kicked out of him during MMA bout
Are those long sleeves made of fabric or chain-mail?
Never exactly known for his modesty
Still nothing for "S"; oh, wait, I know! Scumbag!
Example of how not to cut your hair? See above.
Criminal history is almost as long as his book
Oakland is almost as glamorous as Jose's wardrobe

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 133)

Name: Lawrence Taylor
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Six pieces of wall
Key 1990 stat: One deformed bulge illustration
It's time for sweet pop quiz:

Just who does Lawrence Taylor think he is?

(A) This guy.
(B) No, this guy.
(C) Or maybe this guy.
(D) No, definitely this guy.
(E) Apologies. This guy, for sure.
(F) All of the above.

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 133)

Tim Wallach, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Tim Wallach
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Third base
Value of card: Not enough to get caught in that netting
Key 1993 stat: Could have used some more batting practice
Read this man's mind: What's Tim Wallach thinking in this photo?

A) "This is as close to home plate as I've been all year."
B) "This Astroturf tastes nothing like real grass."
C) "Uh oh, Lasorda's out of cannolis again. Run!"
D) "Hi mom!"
E) Holy crap, according to the back of the card, it actually is "Hi mom!" You must be psychic!

Tim Wallach, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Mike Maddux, 1989 Donruss

Name: Mike Maddux
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Pitcher, lesser-known brother
Value of card: A button off that uniform
Key 1988 stat: Not yet fully immersed in his sibling's shadow
Fun facts about Mike Maddux and his younger brother, Greg:

• Greg Maddux's nicknames included "Mad Dog" and "The Professor." Mike's nickname was "Oh, you're Greg's brother, right?"
• Greg Maddux won at least 15 games for 17 straight seasons, an MLB record. Mike ate at least 15 nuclear hot wings for 17 straight days, a Hooters record.
• Greg Maddux took home 18 Gold Gloves during his playing career. Mike used 18 gloves during his playing career.
• Greg Maddux is one of only 10 pitchers with 300 wins and 3,000 strikeouts. Mike had only 39 wins, but did notch about 3,000 strikeouts with the ladies at the Lucky Loon, his neighborhood tavern.
• Greg Maddux is a consensus first-ballot Hall-of-Famer when he's eligible for election in 2014. Mike's mustache should also receive some votes.

Mike Maddux, 1989 Donruss

Jose Cruz, 1986 Fleer League Leaders

Name: Jose Cruz
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 ounces of Houston-area tap water, spit in your face
Key 1985 stat: 16 creases in one card
What a gamer! Jose Cruz led the league in these categories in 1985:

• Scary rape stares at no one in particular.
• Outfield. Yup. Outfield.
• Gargantuan Puerto Rican afros
• Indecipherable interviews with The Bust.
• Showing up to empty stadiums three hours after games ended.
• Cruz'n.
• Unfitting hats.
• Being a complete and total Astro.
• Richard "The Night Stalker" Ramirez look-alike contest victories.
• Cheesy, baby-blue pinstriped baseball cards.

Jose Cruz, 1986 Fleer League Leaders

Eric Karros and Dave Hansen, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Names: Eric Karros, left, and Dave Hansen
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, pinch hitter extraordinaire
Value of card: Three squirts of gel, rubbed in your chest hair
Key 1992 stat: One debutante ball attended (together)
It's time for a well-dressed edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Timeless style (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Anything-but-timeless hairstyles (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Superman curl (Winner: Karros)
Round 4: Resume as a pro (Winner: Karros)
Round 5: Resume as "ultra" (Winner: Hansen)
Round 6: Ability to hit in a pinch (Winner: Hansen)
Round 7: Ability to read lines as a Hollywood bit actor in a pinch (Winner: Karros)

Score: Karros 3, Hansen 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: In a contest as tight as their cummerbunds, Karros and Hansen did battle on the field of The Matchup, and though Hansen was brave to wear a rented penguin suit, Karros took home the victory because of his minor-league turns on such forgettable shows as "Chicago Hope," "Arli$$" and "Port Charles."

Eric Karros and Dave Hansen, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 7)

Name: Juan Gonzalez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A rusted spur
Key 1993 stat: 10-gallon hat
Of course this is a baseball card: We've seen a lot of really weird stuff this week, but this card may take the cake. Calling this "art" may be a bit of a stretch, but here's our artistic interpretation of what's going on here. Juan Gone's gigantic blue hat likely represents his talent, further indicated by the big red "T" on it. The branding iron he's brandishing as a bat is symbolic of the fire and intensity with which he played the game. His mullet represents his belief that "business up front, party in the back" wasn't just a haircut, it was a way of life. The fleeing little chocolate horses and cowboys represent his hunger to dominate opponents, win a World Series and eat chocolate. His fringed cowboy batting gloves aren't really symbolic of anything      they're just stylish. And his shirt-ripping biceps? Hmm, what could they indicate?

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 7)

Ozzie Smith, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 6)

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: Washington Wizards St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One YouTube clip of some kid talking about "Magic: The Gathering"
Key 1993 stat: Mustache was perfectly flat
Good vs. evil: Ozzie Smith was known as "The Wizard" during his playing days, thanks to his flashy but solid defense and success with the bat. Here, in this LSD-inspired card, Smith is portrayed as an actual wizard, though one who uses a baseball glove instead of a staff or wand. But does he use his magical powers for good or evil? Let's investigate.

Good: Has the ability to call wild birds to him; doesn't mind when they poop on his shoulder.
Evil: Uses said birds to steal Tony Gwynn's halo of baseballs.
Good: Plants little pine trees along his yellow-brick driveway.
Evil: Seems happy that there's some sort of forest fire happening on the left side of the card.
Good: Lives in a bright, magical castle that totally increased his neighborhood's property values.
Evil: Despite its hue, said castle is not "green," lacking solar panels, composting and a recycling program.

Verdict: Hell, who cares? These cards have inspired us to drink a little mushroom tea. If you need us, we'll be examining the shrubs for the next six hours.

Ozzie Smith, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 6)