Mel Renfro, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 142)

Name: Mel Renfro
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: 25 cents off a prescription order of Propecia
Key 1974 stat: Blinded 12 receivers with the shine off his head
Top 10 nicknames for Mel Renfro and his hair(line):
10) Baldy Does Dallas
9) The 400-Head
8) The Pleasure Dome
7) The Helmet Under The Helmet
6) Baldilocks
5) Mr. Aerodynamic
4) No-Cover Corner
3) The Black Kojak
2) Mel Pattern Baldness
1) Mel Non-fro

Mel Renfro, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 142)

Gene Nelson, 1987 Topps

Name: Gene Nelson
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A homeless guy's cardboard "Will work for food" sign
Key 1986 stat: One full nelson
Top 10 things found in Gene Nelson's beard:
10) A mountain goat
9) The leavings of said mountain goat
8) Gene's genes
7) Half a can of chew
6) Half a can of Ranch Style Beans
5) The sexiest damn chin in the American League
4) White socks, none of them clean
3) Steak sauce
2) Gene Nelson's pet sparrow, Chico
1) Two tickets to paradise

Gene Nelson, 1987 Topps

Rusty Kuntz, 1984 Fleer

Name: Rusty Kuntz ("Something funny?")
Team: Minnesota Twins ("Why ya laughin'?")
Position: Outfield ("Yeah, that's right, 'outfield.'")
Value of card: 2 ounces of rust ("Problem?")
Key 1983 stat: 4,286 flip-outs ("Best for you to leave.")
I'm looking at you: "You lookin' at something? I see ya laughin'. What's so funny, huh? You gots a problem we need to work out? You want to work it out with our fists? You're still smilin'. Hide that smirk, you miserable punk. You lookin' at my shirt? You think this baby-blue bad boy is funny? I didn't think so. You laughin' at my bangs? You better not be laughin' at my bangs. These flowing golden locks drive the ladies crazy. So what's funny, huh, punk? What's so funny? Maybe my memory is getting a little rusty, but I don't remember seeing anything around here that's so funny. My name? What about my name? Wipe that smirk off your face, punk. You're talking to Mr. Kuntz. Mr. Rusty Kuntz."

Rusty Kuntz, 1984 Fleer

Joey Cora, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Joey Cora
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Second base
Value of card: An apple in the road that's been run over twice
Key 1993 stat: At least one time lying down on the job
Here's another Caption, which may have run in a South Side newspaper in 1993: "Photographer Jack Coughlin experiments with his new zoom lens while taking a terrible picture of White Sox second baseman Joey Cora applying a late tag to a baserunner during Tuesday's game. We apologize to our readers."

Joey Cora, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

John Finn, 1992 Classic Best

Name: John Finn
Team: El Paso Diablos
Position: Second base
Value of card: Ticket for a free drink at Lloyd's Pub in El Paso
Key 1991 stat: His best stat in 1992 was the year
Milwaukee Brewers' scouting report on prospect John Finn: "Like his 'stache; it's straighter than his swing. ... Definitely not the hottest thing in El Paso. ... He'll have a 'devil' of a time doing anything on the Diablos. ... His name is 'John.' That's appropriate. ... Doesn't 'Finn' mean 'the end' in one of those European languages? That's appropriate, too. ... Does a heckofa job taping his wrists. Maybe we could use him on our trainer team. ... He wears his hat like jerks will in 20 years. ... We heard he's going to be featured on a Classic Best card. We'd call that a misnomer squared."

John Finn, 1992 Classic Best

Barry Jones, 1989 Donruss

Name: Barry Jones
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two rolls of overexposed negatives
Key 1988 stat: Two cards, one face, one pose
A salute to Barry Jones: Barry Jones is a Bust favorite. Sure, he's a little-known pitcher who finished his career 33-33, but he's our little-known pitcher who finished his career 33-33. He looks like he just woke up on the wrong side of a 12-day bender, and he's the only player in Major League Baseball history whose pits smelled so bad every one of his baseball cards was a revolting scratch-and-sniff. His mustache tumbles over his lips like the Pacific's waves break over the soft sand and his chest hair reaches for the sky, just like the man himself. He was voted the whitest of the Sox and would brag to strangers about the rare occasion when he would wash his hair. But most of all, he commanded respect, which can be seen in this portrait that Donruss must have noticed was crooked, ill-composed and out of focus but didn't care enough about Jones to reshoot.

Barry Jones, 1989 Donruss

Gary Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 12)

Name: Gary Anderson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 1 bushel of shaved leg hair
Key 1990 stat: Despite what you'd think, zero hours playing futbol
Here are some addictions Anderson kicked after this card was printed:

• His addiction to short-shorts.
• His addiction to combing his hair.
• His addiction to the ThighMaster.
• His addiction to stuffing his pants with a third massive sock.
• His addiction to one-bar helmets.
• His addiction to dressing like this when he went clubbin'.
• His addiction to crushing men's skulls between his power-pole thighs.
• His addiction to kicking addictions.

Gary Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 12)

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Ultra (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 7)

Name: Dmitri Young (still)
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Temporary blindness
Key 2001 stat: Dirt in mouth for the next three days
Mr. Young gets The Caption treatment: "Cincinnati Reds outfielder Dmitri 'Da Meat Hook' Young watches his helmet tumble away while simultaneously sliding into third base through a pile of kitty litter and doing the dance known as the worm. After the game, Young said he was planning to patent the maneuver, which he called 'The Slirm,' and hire a stable of semi-literate attorneys to threaten creators of the television show 'Futurama' with a copyright-infringement lawsuit."

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Ultra (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 7)

Dmitri Young, 2008 Bowman (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 6)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Washington Nationals
Position: First base
Value of card: The jelly from a jelly doughnut, spilled on the floor
Key 2007 stat: Led the league in table muscle
Weight for it: There's no denying that toward the end of his career, Dmitri Young started carrying a few extra pounds. In fact, he was such a nice guy, he even carried his teammates' extra pounds, too. But that didn't hamper his 2007 season. Dmitri hit .320 (at least 40 points better than his weight), scored 57 runs (frightened catchers often refused to block the plate) and even recorded a triple. No, not a triple bypass      an actual triple! Those 13 homers he hit were just gravy. Mmm, gravy. So hats off to you, Dmitri Young, for putting the "ton" in "Washington Nationals."

Dmitri Young, 2008 Bowman (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 6)

Dmitri Young, 1993 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 5)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Third base
Value of card: A soiled towel
Key 1992 stat: Never stopped smiling
Dmitri Young gets the Weird Al treatment, to the tune of "Don't Worry, Be Happy":
Here's a little song 'bout a bloke
If you watch him play, you'll need a smoke
Don't worry; be happy 
Warning track power caused him trouble 
What should have been homers were just doubles 
Don't worry; be happy
Ain't got no place but on the bench
Fans say his play gives off a stench 
Don't worry; be happy 
The manager say your swing is late 
You, for assignment, he might designate
Don't worry; be happy
No, don't worry; be happy now...

Dmitri Young, 1993 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 5)

Dmitri Young, 1997 Fleer New Horizon (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 4)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Outfield, first base
Value of card: Three burnt-out neon bulbs
Key 1996 stat: Zero dollars in Nike endorsements despite wearing Nike gear
Time for a pop quiz focusing on our best buddy:

What "new horizon" did Dmitri Young reach in 1997?

(A) He graduated "Doughnut cum Laude" from Dunkin' University in the offseason.
(B) He was given a promotion to become director of cheesy neon at Bright Ideaz Lighting in St. Louis.
(C) He was named "Player with the Reddest Jersey in Frickin' History" by the Blind Baseball Writers of America.
(D) He was included in one of the most ill-thought-out subsets in Fleer's history.
(E) All of the above.

Dmitri Young, 1997 Fleer New Horizon (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 4)

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Tradition (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 3)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: If a loaf of bread is a nickel and a Coca-Cola costs 1 cent, it's less than worthless
Key 1901 stat: 345 games played before World War I
Where he's going, he doesn't need roads: One moment, Dmitri Young was playing in a game against the Indians in 2001. The next moment, the delicate balance between time and space was thrown off and Young was teleported to 1901, when many Indians still hunted bison in their native lands. Here he was, playing vintage "base ball" in an unfamiliar time against such players as Big Ed Delahanty, Turkey Stearns, Orator Jim O'Rourke, Amos "The Hoosier Thunderbolt" Rusie and Cyclone Joe Williams. These players had never seen a competitor like Young, a man with so much power, so much swagger, and so much necklace. Young played against these great athletes, dominating with every swing of the bat, every throw in the field. He would score many an "ace" (run), imploring the "cranks" (fans) to yell "Huzzah!" (hooray!) He was the ultimate "muckle" (power hitter) who thrilled the throngs with four-basers (home runs). But it wasn't his play that became his legacy; it was his role as the inventor of the afro that earned him timeless credit.

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Tradition (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 3)

Dmitri Young, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 2)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for a 3-day-old cheese zombie from a high school garbage bin
Key 1991 stat: B-minus in Algebra I
St. Louis Cardinals' scouting report on "top prospect" Dmitri Young: "This kid's got more tape than a 3M salesman. ... We're expecting him to perform in high school as well as he has in junior high. ... It would be great if we knew more about him, but we can't identify what team he plays on. ... Cummerbund points to pronounced patriotism. ... By the look of this photo, he's 47 feet tall. That's a big plus. ... We're concerned with how he'll adapt to a big-league city after playing in Amish country. ... If that's his batting stance we have a lot of work to do."

Dmitri Young, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 2)

Dmitri Young, 2004 Upper Deck Power Up! (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 1)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: SXX5S9WZ9, which equals nothing
Key 2003 stat: 100 (not sure of what, but figure it's important because it's on the front of the card)
Welcome to Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week: A few months ago, Dmitri Young let us know in no uncertain terms that he held The Bust in about as high of esteem as Tigers fans held Mr. Young after his last few mediocre seasons in Detroit. Mr. Young didn't like this post, you see, and he let us know. We respect that. The jokes are about as lackluster as Mr. Young's seasons with the Washington Nationals. So we intend to prove to Mr. Young that we can do better. We'll spend this Thanksgiving week showing him just how thankful we are for his opinion. We appreciate the constructive criticism, Mr. Young.
10 reasons Mr. Young's head is so big:
10) He was trying to draw attention away from such an amateur card background.
9) It's not; he was afflicted with the exceedingly rare Shrinking Body Disease.
8) He mistook the Upper Deck's "power up" instructions
7) He would do anything to show off his awesome goatee.
6) He just liked how funny his little arms looked in comparision.
5) He looked at a star player's stats and got them confused with his own.
4) He was the Tigers' DH: Deformed Head.
3) He misunderstood a teammate's slump-breaking advice to "get more head."
2) He was auditioning for a spot in "NBA Jam."
1) He saw The Bust was profiling him for a full week.

Dmitri Young, 2004 Upper Deck Power Up! (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 1)

Darryl Talley, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 11)

Name: Darryl Talley
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One shirt, half off
Key 1991 stat: Much to be ashamed of
Darryl Talley's train of thought leading up to this photo shoot, June 17, 1991: "All right, photo time. Let's run down the checklist. Mustache finely groomed? Check. Bare-midriff shirt that I borrowed from one of the cheerleaders yesterday? Check. Most crotch-hugging pair of shorts I could pull on? Check. Belly button out? Check. Ability to put my hands on my hips, making it look like I have weird dents in my forearms? Check. Yes, let's do this!"

Darryl Talley, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 11)

Pat Rapp, 1996 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Pat Rapp
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Not even the wrapping it came in
Key 1995 stat: Zero hip-hop listened to
Time for a Fish quiz: Why is Pat Rapp so filthy?

A) Definitely not because of his pitching
B) Pregame wrestling bout with Billy the Marlin
C) He fell asleep on the basepaths. Literally.
D) Duh, he's from the Dirty South.
E) A, B and C

Pat Rapp, 1996 Topps Stadium Club

Plaxico Burress, 2008 Upper Deck Rookie Photo Shoot Flashback (Football Friday No. 141)

Name: Plaxico Burress
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Pigskin rash
Key rookie year stat: Felt comfortable wearing that headband at a photo shoot
Clearing up some rumors about this photo of Plaxico Burress:

• Plaxico Burress is not baked here. He is just squinting because his headband is too colorful.
• Burress did not sew himself a blanket of footballs. He's using them as a flak jacket so that he doesn't shoot himself.
• Burress did not consent to having this photo taken. It's just part of rookie hazing.
• Burress is not using a portable cooler as a backrest. Wait, yeah, actually, we think he is. That's weird.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Plaxico Burress, 2008 Upper Deck Rookie Photo Shoot Flashback (Football Friday No. 141)

Felix Martinez, 2001 Topps

Name: Felix Martinez
Team: Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Positions: Shortstop, derp base
Value of card: Ever heard of Felix the Cat? Something from his litter box
Key 2000 stat: Face froze like that
Felix Martinez by the numbers:

75: Percent of the word "derp" spelled out on his uniform
100: Percent derp on his face
4: Square feet of crotch in this photo
5: Seasons spent in the majors
1: Seasons in which he hit better than .226
0: Winning seasons for the Rays during his time there
0: Surprise about that last fact

Felix Martinez, 2001 Topps

Marc Valdes, 1994 Score Draft Picks

Name: Marc Valdes
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 4 ounces of eyebrow trimmings
Key 1993 stat: Pitched in tennis shoes
Top 10 nicknames for Marc Valdes' eyebrows:
10) The Wonder Twins
9) George and Barbara Bush
8) Heavy D and Heavier D
7) The Place You Should Check When You Lose Your Keys
6) The Rodents of Unusual Size
5) Vidal and Sassoon
4) The Face Umbrellas
3) The Headge
2) Eye Beards
1) Valdes' Marks

Marc Valdes, 1994 Score Draft Picks

Alex Arias, 1993 Topps

Name: Alex Arias
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Infield
Value of card: A blue piece of construction paper
Key 1992 stat: Zero Marlins franchises for another year
Another stunning accomplishment: We have to hand it to Topps. The Marlins major league franchise hadn't played a game before the 1993 season, but somehow the card company figured out an ingenious way to capture the action of the game and the players in their fledgling team's uniforms. Wow, what an accomplishment. Can you imagine how many meetings of the best and brightest at Topps it took to come up with such a brilliant idea? Just look at that background: stunning. And how smart is it to have the player sit there with a bat? The genius boggles the mind. And, as if they hadn't already showcased their smarts enough, the Topps brass had Arias look at the camera and smile. Wow. Again, we're awestruck by greatness, and, today, we're standing here slack-jawed against a background of blue.

Alex Arias, 1993 Topps

Karim Garcia, 1995 Upper Deck Top Prospect

Name: Karim Garcia
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Hmm, let me put my finger to my face and think about it; OK, nothing
Key 1993 stat: 16 cuts from his razor-sharp Razor sunglasses
Dodgers' scouting report on top prospect Karim Garcia: "Well, with a mullet like that, you ... Wait! What the hell! No way! Did this guy piss himself? He did! He pissed himself on the field! Oh, that's shameful! That is so shameful. We can't bring this kid up to the majors; he can't even control his bladder. You know what they say about someone covered in their own urine? 'You're in' trouble if you put them on your team. You want a letter grade on this 'top prospect'? How about a P-minus?"

Karim Garcia, 1995 Upper Deck Top Prospect

Wayne Fontes, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 10)

Name: Wayne Fontes
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Head coach
Value of card: Two tacos for 99 cents
Key 1990 stat: 14 shades of tan gained
10 magazines Fontes could have been reading:
10) Lowlights for Children
9) Pointing Weekly
8) Glamour (uncontrollable laughter)
7) Better Homes and Drive-Thrus
6) Sweater Illustrated
5) Detroit Living and Ducking Gunfire
4) U.S. News & Hoagie Report
3) Taco Consumers Digest
2) Food & Food
1) Men's Unfitness

Wayne Fontes, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 10)

Luis Gonzalez, 2001 Topps

Name: Luis Gonzalez
Team: Arizona Diamondbacks
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's gone
Key 2000 stat: 29-inch-long face
It's the latest installment of The Caption, which might have run in a Phoenix-area newspaper circa 2001: "The Arizona Diamondbacks' Luis Gonzalez, left, and the Pittsburgh Pirates' Jason Kendall battle in an intense game of Twister in the backyard of Gonzalez's Scottsdale, Ariz., home. Gonzalez was forced to go left hand brown, right foot white and left foot brown, while Kendall had left foot white, right foot brown and both hands junk. No one won."

Luis Gonzalez, 2001 Topps

Bryan Cox, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 140)

Name: Bryan Cox
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Six balls of discarded finger tape
Key 1995 stat: Two middle fingers for the fans in Buffalo
Football, you're doing it wrong: Bryan Cox came to games prepared. He studied opposing offenses. He spent hours in the weight room. He practiced and practiced and practiced. And he was serious about avoiding injury, too. He knew if he got injured it wouldn't just hurt him; it would hurt his teammates, his coaches and Dolphins fans. So he took extra precautions that many players thought unnecessary. He used a nasal strip to ensure he would breathe right. He taped his fingers to protect pinkies that could get broken in a dogpile. He even wore a triple-layered neck pad behind his head that stuck out almost as much as it made him stick out. But despite all of these safety steps, Cox kept suffering injuries to his face, and no matter what he did or how long and hard he thought about it, he couldn't figure out why.

Bryan Cox, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 140)

Mark Grant, 1988 Fleer

Name: Mark Grant
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A Grant (not a $50 bill with Ulysses S. Grant on it, but a Larry Grant, the nickname for a bag of plastic bottles at the Coney Island recycling center)
Key 1987 stat: 14 wascally wabbits hunted down and hit with a baseball bat
Mark Grant is clearly hunting something with a bat; the 10 things he could have been hunting:
10) An actual padre
9) The maker of his bulky Converse All-Star cleats
8) Not a pitcher, but a belly itcher
7) He already hunted down his shadow and is pummeling it
6) A dentist; ahhhhhhhh!
5) The chimichangas Kruk stole
4) A compliment to a mediocre fastball
3) What's left of his career
2) The San Diego Chicken
1) His nemesis, Grant Mark

Mark Grant, 1988 Fleer

Eric Show, 1989 Donruss

Name: Eric Show
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Let us show you       0
Key 1988 stat: Won National League Mullet of the Week five times that season
Hair all about it: What does Eric Show stand for?

Energized the crowd with his length of curls
River otters able to nest in his unruly mop
Isn't doing too shabby with that mustache, either
Curveball not as knee-buckling as his hairdo

Stirrups not as long as that party in the back
Hecklers had no shortage of material to work with
Online dating profile full of inaccuracies
Went the distance 13 times that year       on the mound (but zero times with the ladies)

Eric Show, 1989 Donruss

Juan Acevedo, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Juan Acevedo
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six dead AA batteries
Key 1993 stat: Two laps run before passing out
It's time for a musical pop quiz:

What was Juan Acevedo listening to?

(A) "The Garbage Bag Jacket Blues"
(B) A motivational book on tape about stuffing one's pants
(C) Enrique Iglesias, his doppelganger
(D) John Denver's "Rockies Mountain High"
(E) His Walkman rewinding.
(F) All of the above, in that order.

Juan Acevedo, 1994 Upper Deck

Rob Deer, 1990 Topps Big

Name: Rob Deer
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: An 8-oz. bag of deer scat
Key 1989 stat: Twice put sticks on his head, pretended they were antlers
It's a return to the Wiki Entry: Deer (singular and plural) are the ruminant mammals forming the Brewers right field family Cervidae. Male Deer deer of all species (except the Ron Robinson Chinese water deer) and also female Deer family members reindeer grow and shed new mustaches antlers each year. In this they differ from permanently hirsute horned animals such as Pete Vuckovich antelope; these are in the same order as Deer deer and may bear a superficial resemblance. ... The word "Deer" "deer" was originally broad in meaning, but became more specific over time. In Middle America English, Deer der meant a wild swinger animal of any kind.

Rob Deer, 1990 Topps Big

John Elway, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 9)

Name: John Elway
Team: Denver Broncos (in case you couldn't read any of his clothing)
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Horse manure
Key 1991 stat: A mile high
Things to do in Denver when you're John Elway: How passionate was John Elway about the Denver Broncos? He was so passionate, he used spray-tan solely because it turned his skin orange. He was so passionate, he had plastic surgery to make himself look more like a horse. He was so passionate, he refused to call his wife anything but his "little filly." He was so passionate, he grew out his mullet until it looked just like a horse's mane. He was so passionate, he actually nailed his shoes to his feet. He was so passionate, he told teammates to jump on his back just so he could try to throw them off. In fact, John Elway was so doggone passionate about the Denver Broncos, he drank an Orange Crush, watched an episode of "Mr. Ed" and drove O.J.'s getaway vehicle all at the same time!

John Elway, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 9)

Steve Atwater, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 7)

Name: Steve "The Bandit" Atwater
Team: Denver Bron-crones
Position: Defensive back
Fright value of card: Two finger guns, neither pointed at you
Key 1994 splat: More blue fringe than has ever been necessary
Closing another week of terror: Here we are, four days after Halloween, which means the kids have all gotten over their stomach aches and the costumes have all been pushed to the back of the closet, never to be worn again. Let's celebrate with one more horrific example of mid-1990s sports cards, shall we?

What segment of the population is most frightened by this card?

A) Children
B) Actual cowboys
C) Broncos fans
D) Steve Atwater's family
E) The editors of InStyle magazine

Steve Atwater, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 7)

Bruce Armstrong, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 6)

Name: Bruce Armstrong, aka "The Piledriver"
Team: Boo Eekland Patriots
Position: Offensive tackle
Fright value of card: A mixed metaphor
Key 1994 splat: One copyright infringement lawsuit from the creators of "Edward Scissorhands"
Top 10 questions we're left with after viewing this abomination:

10) If he's The Piledriver, why does he have clamps for hands?
9) Isn't the Piledriver a move invented and used by Ron Jeremy?
8) If his abdomen is animatronic and exposed, why is his crotch so massive?
7) Why isn't the exposed part of his left leg also covered with toxic silver paint?
6) Are those lights on his head, or plastic cups left over from beer pong?
5) Why is he making a face like he has to poop?
4) Wouldn't it be hard for him to move while wearing boots made of lead?
3) Are the cardmakers implying that Bruce Armstrong commits a lot of holding penalties?
2) Is it pronounced "pile-driver" or "piled river"?
1) Why did grown men agree to pose for this set?

Bruce Armstrong, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 6)

Emmitt Smith, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 5)

Name: Emmitt Smith, aka "Lone Star Sheriff"
Team: Callous Cowboys
Position: Running back
Fright value of card: Tetanus
Key 1994 splat: Wore sheet metal
Emmitt Smith's train of thought from 4:02 to 4:04 p.m., Feb. 23, 1994: "Well, looks like I'll be firing my agent. I mean, what the hell am I wearing right now? I'm holding a football that looks like a gigantic drill bit, they put makeup on me for no discernible reason, and my shoulder pads used to be part of a storage shed. Plus, they gave me a 10-gallon hat that spent most of its life as a 10-gallon pail. And since when is a sheriff a monster? Well, OK, Michael Irvin might think so, but I find that offensive! That's it, I'm protesting this shoot by making the saddest face I can."

Emmitt Smith, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 5)

Marshall Faulk, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 4)

Name: Marshall Faulk, aka "The Missile"
Team: Indianapolis Volts
Position: Running back
Fright value of card: Two wet fuses
Key 1994 splat: Not as fast when wearing 200 pounds of metal
Reactions from other NFL players and coaches upon seeing this card:

• Colts QB Jim Harbaugh: "Who's got it better than him? Everybody!"
• Chiefs LB Derrick Thomas: "How come the rookie got to wear a cool outfit?"
• 49ers WR Jerry Rice: "Indianapolis still has a football team?"
• Former Falcons coach Jerry Glanville: "Nice belt buckle!"
• Vikings kick returner Qadry Ismail: "That S.O.B. stole my nickname! And my cape!"

Marshall Faulk, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 4)