Carlos Garcia, 1997 Score

Name: Carlos Garcia
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: Burning garbage
Key 1997 stat: Thought it was OK to look like this in public
Don't ask: Why is Carlos Garcia wearing that, erm, thing around his head?

A) Out of sympathy for his dog, Cheesestick, who was wearing a cone after getting fixed.
B) To keep himself from gnawing at his nethers, because he also just got fixed.
C) To cover up a giant hickey on his neck. Because this is much less embarrassing.
D) He was modeling his latest fashion idea, the SuperTurtleneck.
E) To block out the constant booing of the fans.

Carlos Garcia, 1997 Score

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Name: Allen Ripley
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $12 (don't believe it)
Key 1980 stat: 4-inch distance between camera and face
Let's play a new game: Ripley's Believe It or Not:

• Believe it or not? Ripley once flew away during a game thanks to his hair wings.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was really wearing a Giants hat in this photo; it wasn't a crudely drawn facsimile added during the card production process.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was a close talker, hence the closeness of his face to the camera lens.
• Believe it or not? Ripley's nose was detachable, as evidenced by the creases around his snoz.
• Believe it or not? This card was not one of many abominations in the 1981 Topps set.

Oh, in case you wondering, don't believe any of the garbage above. 

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Lem Barney, 1992 Pro Line Portraits Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 39)

Name: Lem Barney
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Cornerback 
Value of card: About as much as the snow in that old photo
Key 1992 stat: Wore a tie when, clearly, a cravat was called for
Time for a fancy-shmancy pop quiz: What's Lem Barney all dressed up for?

A) The Player Hater's Ball
B) A new session of Parliament
C) A Sherlock Holmes cosplay event
D) A trip to the Applebee's
E) A photo session for a surreal set of football cards

Lem Barney, 1992 Pro Line Portraits Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 39)

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Name: Darrell Evans
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: 0.00732 ounces of ink, the amount used for that third-grade signature
Key 1981 stat: 42 minutes spent Dumpster-diving for his batting gloves
Whoa, big boy: Hey there, Darrell. How you doing? That's an awfully big stick you're, ahem, carrying. You have it positioned so gracefully, so naturally. It's like — gulp — an extension of you. So, um, do you come here often? Huh-huh, not like that. Sorry, we're a bit flustered. You're just so bold, so — gulp — big. What's that? You don't want to brag? Well, you may speak softly, but you definitely carry a big stick. Doing anything after the game?

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

John Vella, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 183)

Name: John Vella
Team: Oakland Raiders
Position: Tackle
Value of card: Six Brawny paper towel sheets
Key 1976 stat: 178,008 beard hairs
John Vella is the manliest man we've ever seen; here are some of his manliest exploits:

• Once, he put on a red-and-black-plaid flannel shirt; five minutes later, 42,000 trees voluntarily fell in the forest.
• Once, he shaved his beard at the request of a female fan; five minutes later, this photo was taken.
• Once, he arm-wrestled a Kodiak bear; five minutes later, the NFL team in Chicago changed its name to the "Chicago John Vellas"
• Once, he mistakenly walked into a Victoria's Secret store; five minutes later, everything on the shelves and racks had disappeared.
• Once, he was asked about his feelings after a game; five minutes later, he was still looking at the reporter, confused, wondering what these "feelings" were.
• Once, he walked into a maternity ward; five minutes later, all the babies were back inside their mothers and when they were born they came out with black beards.

John Vella, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 183)

Bert Blyleven, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Bert Blyleven
Team: California Angels
Position: Starter
Value of card: 28 grains of sand
Key 1990 stat: 1,932 hairs in beard
Top 10 things Bert Blyleven has fun doing at the beach:
10) He sunbathes, dressed in only a beard.
9) He struts around and asks all the bikini-clad chicks if they've made it to third base with a Hall of Famer.
8) He takes kids' beach balls, kneels down and laughs about it.
7) Rather than kicking sand in nerds' faces, he full-windup pitches it at them.
6) He makes a sand Angel.
5) He leads a wave.
4) He goes topless and shows off his jockstrap "bikini."
3) Secretly, he spikes the ocean with booze and tells everyone to drink up.
2) He spends hours on his sandbeard.
1) He catches crabs.

Bert Blyleven, 1991 Upper Deck

Nate Newton, 1993 Pinnacle NFL Properties (Christmas Day Special)

Name: Nate Newton
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Santa Claus
Value of card: Half an ounce of myrrh
Key 1993 stat: Four bunches of mistletoe eaten
Merry Christmas from the Bust: We were totally going to get you a gift, but we must have lost your address. Instead, please share in the bounty that Nate Newton and these two cheerleaders received.

• The cheerleader on the left received: An empty box, three square feet of golden wrapping paper and a fancy bow.
• The cheerleader on the right received: A new pair of tights that don't quite match her skin tone, a gift certificate for a touch-up for her femullet and an unwanted advance from the Pinnacle photographer.
• Nate Newton received: Two ham sandwiches, a handle of Southern Comfort and a pound of plant matter that didn't come from those trees in the background.

Nate Newton, 1993 Pinnacle NFL Properties (Christmas Day Special)

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Name:  Barry Bonds
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Tuxedo sweat
Key 1992 stat: Head not yet the size of an asteroid
What's got Barry dressed up all fancy like?

A) His induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame (ha ha, nope)
B) A Christmas Eve dinner with buddy Vic Conte
C) Baseball fans and writers are throwing a gala in his honor
D) Court
E) All of the above (except A and C, of course)

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Name: Mike Schmidt, Pete Rose
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Third base, first base
Value of card: Two plays on a nickel slot machine
Key 1981 stat: 12,381 times ridiculed for uniforms' ridiculous color combination
It's time for a City of Brotherly Love edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Most tire rubber wrapped around chest and stomach (Winner: Rose)
Round 2: Weight of mustache, in pounds (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 3: Haircut most likely to be seen on "Little House on the Prairie" (Winner: Rose)
Round 4: Most actual bird feathers in unkempt haircut's wings (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 5: Volume of baby-blue bulge (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Amount of blood flow restricted due to skintight pants (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Number of clipboards held awkwardly at side during a (cough, cough) professional photo shoot (Winner: Schmidt)

Score: Schmidt 3, Rose 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: It was a tight battle with little love lost between Charlie Hustle and Schmidty in the City of Brotherly Love, but, as usual, the Hall of Famer came out on top. You can bet on it.

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Kenny Stabler, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 38)

Name: Kenny Stabler
Team: Oakland Raiders (a long, long time ago)
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 28 pieces of snakeskin
Key 1991 stat: Seven continents on his pants
Kenny Stabler's nickname was "The Snake"; here are some other nicknames fans could have assumed he went by after looking at this card:

• Kenny "The Hammer Pants" Stabler
• Kenny "The Mock Turtleneck" Stabler
• Kenny "The Laughable Sports Card" Stabler
• Kenny "The Doc Brown Haircut from 'Back to the Future'" Stabler
• Kenny "The Phallic Reference" Stabler
• Kenny "Jake 'The Snake' Roberts" Stabler

Kenny Stabler, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 38)

Vince Coleman, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Vince Coleman
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: No clue; it's stolen
Key 1988 stat: 498 firecrackers lit
Here's what Vince Coleman stands for:

Vroooooom!
In a jiffy he ran; in a jiffy he got forced off teams
Never paid attention to coaches' signs; paid attention to women's signs
Caught stealing? Sure, but not on the field
Energy to steal bases only eclipsed by energy to comb mustache

Catchers had a hard time throwing him out; his parents, not so much
Outfielder with dentures, a wraparound 'stache and a penchant for playing "Rush"
Lots of random shapes behind this speedster, yet no diamond on a Diamond King
Ear flaps on both sides of the helmet? Apparently he's a Little Leaguer
Man of Steal? Sorry, nickname's taken
Accelerated with ease on field; accelerated too fast with the ladies
NASA could have used his speed, circa 1985

Vince Coleman, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Mark Grace, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Mark Grace
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: First base
Value of card: Each diagonal line represents 1 cent the card is worth
Key 1988 stat: 108-year championship drought
It's time for a pop quiz with a bit of a curse:

What name could "grace" this card and better reflect the illustration?

(A) Mark Ineptitude
(B) Bark Face
(C) Please Erase
(D) Marks Replace
(E) Grace Jones
(F) Mark Disgrace
(G) All of the above

Mark Grace, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Alan Trammell, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Alan Trammell
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Three paper stripes
Key 1987 stat: Turned a lot of double plays, drank a lot of double bourbons
Alan Trammell, by the numbers:
8: Solid-colored stripes in the background of this oh-so-imaginative card
28: Inches of face in the foreground of this oh-so-nightmarish card
0: Legible markings, either numbers or letters, on the back of li'l Alan's jersey
3: Inches of hair covering Trammell's gigantic left ear
3.5: Inches of dimple in the first of Trammell's chins
10: Degrees that Trammell's nose lists to one side
1: Person who thought this qualified as art (that's right, Perez, we're still mad, no matter what we said earlier!)

Alan Trammell, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Jim Deshaies, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Jim Deshaies
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 cent for every color in the background
Key 1989 stat: 432,186 mispronunciations of his last name
There are six colors behind Deshaies; here's what they stand for:

Purple represents royalty, which Deshaies and the rest of the Astros were not.
Yellow represents sunshine, of which little shone down on Deshaies and the rest of the Astros.
Orange represents warmth, which Deshaies and the rest of the Astros rarely received from fans.
Green represents money, which Deshaies and the rest of the Astros were said to have stolen given their performance on the field.
Red represents anger, much of which was directed at Deshaies and the rest of the Astros.
White represents purity, something this blog has never been accused of.

Jim Deshaies, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Jesse Orosco, 1985 Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Jesse Orosco
Team: New York Mets
Position: Reliever
Value of card: Whatever Mr. Orosco says it's worth
Key 1984 stat: Whichever stat Mr. Orosco would like us to highlight
Whatever you say, Mr. Orosco: Um, hello there, sir. Has anyone ever told you that you're quite scary — and, of course, quite good-looking. And you're an awesome pitcher. The best we've ever seen. Yes, um, yes. We would never think of making fun of you or your Diamond Kings baseball card because, um, what could we make fun of? We couldn't possibly find anything wrong with such a beautiful illustration or with such an attractive face. Just promise us you won't sneak through one of our windows at night and kill our families with baseball stirrups and a hacksaw. Also, in closing, let us just say that we love your bangs and hair wings, asymmetrical eyes, shadowy profile and translucent skin. They're beautiful attributes. What's that? ... Oh, this is actually a photo of Orosco's corpse. Well, in that case, this is one of the most frightening cards we've ever seen, and it would be better served in a gallery of serial-killer images than in a Diamond Kings set.

Jesse Orosco, 1985 Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Pete O'Brien, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Pete O'Brien
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: First base
Value of card: 0.75 pounds of ash
Key 1989 stat: One gray undershirt worn during 162 games
He's red-hot: Oh, man, did Donruss ever nail it here. Pete O'Brien, ladies and gentlemen, was on fire in 1990. He was so hot, his mullet would spontaneously combust during games. He was so hot, he'd light his cigarettes with his finger. He was so hot, he'd boil water by swigging off a bottle, gurgling and spitting it into a pot. He was so hot, he would walk around with yellow, orange and red flames jumping off his back — strangely, with the colors never mixing and staying separate in straight lines. Pete O'Brien was so hot in 1990, he hit .224 with five homers and 27 RBIs. Nice work, Donruss.

Pete O'Brien, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Tony Gwynn, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Tony Gwynn
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One terrible Christmas present
Key 1988 stat: Sixth full week of Donruss Diamond Kings brought to you by The Bust
Welcome to Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week: Let us start by saying we're sorry. We know we've nearly drowned our nine readers with Diamond Kings over the years, yet we're bringing you more, just in time for the holidays. So, following in the cleat marks and paint splotches of Atrocious Diamond Kings Week, God-Awful Diamond Kings Week, Dreadful Diamond Kings Week, Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week and Disturbing Diamond Kings Week, we offer you, with our heads hung low, Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week.
Not quite induction worthy: Tony Gwynn was a Hall of Famer. This card was not. While the Hall stands for all that is right with the game, this card stands for all that's wrong with sports card illustrations. From Gwynn's crooked hat to Gwynn's crooked mustache to Gwynn's crooked neck to Gwynn's crooked eyes — well, we're sensing a trend here. But we understand, when there's an exploding star right behind you, things can get a bit out of whack.

Tony Gwynn, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Cortez Kennedy, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 37)

Name: Cortez Kennedy
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: Six twigs, 12 berries
Key 1990 stat: 212 reps of a 423-pound rock
Conversation between Cortez Kennedy and Pro Line photographer:
Cortez Kennedy: Um, what are we doing out here by these rocks?
Pro Line photographer: We're shooting a football card, silly.
CZ: What does this have to do with football?
PLP: Well ... um ...
CZ: Is it because I'm strong, like a rock?
PLP: Um ...
CZ: Is it because our defensive line is like an avalanche headed toward the quarterback?
PLP: Um ...
CZ: Is it because football is such a grueling game, the best players, the ones who really succeed and prove themselves on the field and who strive to be the best, need to act like they've been carved from granite?
PLP: Um ... actually, it's because it takes a lot of stones to appear on such a stupid card.
CZ: Just take the friggin' picture.

Cortez Kennedy, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 37)

Larry Parrish, 1982 Donruss

Name: Larry Parrish
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Third base
Value of card: Unlike his beard, it's not priceless
Key 1981 stat: 761 ladies who swooned at the sight of his beard
10 glorious things about Larry Parrish's beard:
10) With just a bit of dye, it allowed him to sing in front of thousands of fans at a Kenny Rogers concert.
9) It deflected bullets when he was shot on the mean streets of Montreal.
8) He could use it to remove baked-on food from pots and pans.
7) It provided a convenient place to store chew spit.
6) It allowed him to apply to become part of this illustrious group; his request is still pending.
5) He could be Chewbacca every Halloween.
4) It made him the manliest man in Japan when he played for the Hanshin Tigers and Yakult Swallows.
3) It took attention away from the "blinding pinwheel" Expos uniform.
2) He was able to spend his offseason working as a mountain goat.
1) It winked at the ladies for him.

Larry Parrish, 1982 Donruss

Jake Plummer, 1997 Topps Chrome (Football Friday No. 182)

Name: Jake Plummer
Team: Arizona Cardinals
Positions: Quarterback, snake charmer
Value of card: An ounce of dead reptile skin
Key 1997 stat: His pro home field was the same as his college home field
Five things we can discern from the above photo:

• Jake Plummer was a Grade-A dork.
• Jake Plummer cut his own hair.
• Jake Plummer spent a lot of time on the ground, during games and otherwise.
• Jake Plummer should not have listened to the Topps photographer.
• Jame Plummer liked to be asphyxiated while "petting his python."

Jake Plummer, 1997 Topps Chrome (Football Friday No. 182)

Andre Dawson, 1987 Classic

Name: Andre Dawson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two (refried) beans, one ball (stitches ripped out; peed on by a dog)
Key 1986 stat: Hit by pitch six times
It hurts to be The Hawk: Oh, man. It's tough being Andre Dawson. You had to start your career in French-speaking Montreal and you tore up your knees during your prime on artificial turf that was more like concrete than grass. Then you went to the Chicago Cubs, who fielded laughable teams and continued the Curse of the Billy Goat when you should have been a star on the national scene. Somehow, you played through the pain in your knees and the pain of being a Cubbie and won an MVP award in 1987. Yet, despite all that — and somehow looking like a pro athlete in those Little League Cubs uniforms — your 1987 Classic card features a photo taken at the moment you're getting plugged in the face with a fastball. Ouch. Maybe it's just us, but a Hall of Famer deserves a little more respect. On the other hand, those are pretty weak break-dancing moves.

Andre Dawson, 1987 Classic

Champ Summers, 1982 Donruss

Name: John "Champ" Summers
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Zero championships in anything
Key 1981 stat: 710 eye wrinkles
Places you've heard or seen the name "Champ Summers" name before:

• On the 10 o'clock news, when they introduce the sports guy
• On the 10 o'clock news, while apologizing for yesterday's curse-laden rant
• In the opening credits of a 1980s stag film
• Giving advice on the ponies in the back of a horse racing program
• On a VHS case for his 1985 straight-to-video animal-buddy-cop movie, "Champ and the Chimp"
• On a baseball card, with some pretty underwhelming stats on the back

Champ Summers, 1982 Donruss

Tom Filer, 1983 Topps

Name: Tom Filer
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One file folder, ripped in half
Key 1982 stat: Made his last major league appearance for three years
Here's what Tom Filer stands for:

Traded to the Blue Jays for a steak dinner and a cab ride
Overtly afraid of exposing his forearms
Mouth full of chew, among other substances

Filer wasn't just his name      it was the job he was best at ...
It certainly wasn't baseball
Little advice, Tom: You might want to close your mouth during the photo shoot
Enormous head, but not an enormous arm
Reality for Filer: Blue eyes, blue uniform, blue Cubs fans

Tom Filer, 1983 Topps

Felix Millan, 1976 Topps

Name: Felix Millan
Team: New York Mets
Position: Second base
Value of card: One empty package of Milano cookies
Key 1975 stat: Arms and upper lip were never cold
Try not to get choked up over this pop quiz: What is Felix Millan doing here?

A) Showing off his unusual batting style, in which he pokes the knob of the bat at the baseball, like a pool cue
B) Showing off his unusual batting style, in which he uses a whole salami instead of a baseball bat
C) Showing off his unusual batting style, in which he rests his head on his hands before taking a swing
D) Getting ready to beat the crap out of those two little dudes at the bottom of the card
E) Making us jealous of his mustache, but not his unusual batting style. What a freak.

Felix Millan, 1976 Topps

Dave and Doug Widell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 36)

Names: Dave, left, and Doug Widell
Team: Denver Broncos
Positions: Tackle (Dave), guard (Doug)
Value of card: Three rubber pieces from a ripped-apart racquetball
Key 1990 stat: 22 times they shaved each other's faces
It's time for another brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Belief that sleeves are for suckas (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Penchant for wearing sister's shorts (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Mad racquetball skills (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Desire to get sweaty, stay sweaty, live sweaty (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Sweet high-tops, bro (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Life spent in the shadows (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Hair (Winner: Doug Widell)

Score: Doug 1, Dave 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: When you have two brothers who are this similar, you're going to have a close contest. But Doug shined, mainly because his brother's head did too.

Dave and Doug Widell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 36)

Reggie Cleveland, 1981 Fleer

Name: Reggie Cleveland
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An empty can of Old Milwaukee
Key 1980 stat: Not yet mentioned in Bill Simmons' column
Fun facts about pitcher Reggie Cleveland and the city of Cleveland, Ohio:

• The city of Cleveland lies on the shore of Lake Erie. Reggie Cleveland has passed out on the shore after drinking too many brewskis.
• The city of Cleveland once saw the Cuyahoga River light on fire. Reggie Cleveland once lit his own flatulence on fire.
• The city of Cleveland is the 45th-largest city in the U.S. Reggie Cleveland had the fourth- or fifth-largest beer gut among the Brewers.
• The city of Cleveland has been called "The Cleve." Reggie Cleveland has been called "The Creep."
• Summers in the city of Cleveland are hot and humid. So are Reggie Cleveland's armpits.
• The city of Cleveland is home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Reggie Cleveland has been to his share of KISS concerts, but will certainly never be in the Hall of Fame.

 

Reggie Cleveland, 1981 Fleer

Kerwin Bell, 1991 Pro Set World League (Football Friday No. 181)

Name: Kerwin Bell, apparently
Team: Orlando Thunder, apparently
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: The towel tucked into Bell's waistband, unwashed
Key 1991 stat: Was paid to dress like this
Avert your eyes and take this pop quiz: What's the least athletic thing on this card?

A) Kerwin Bell's body
B) Kerwin Bell's name
C) Kerwin Bell's uniform
D) Kerwin Bell's mustache
E) The World League of American Football

Kerwin Bell, 1991 Pro Set World League (Football Friday No. 181)

German "Cesar" Jimenez, 1988 Fleer and 1989 Greenville Braves Best

Names: Cesar Jimenez, German Jimenez (actually the same person) 
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Greenville Braves
Positions: Portly pitcher
Value of card: An ounce of Caesar dressing
Key 1988-89 stat: Zero haircuts (not counting mustache)
It's a mistaken-identity Matchup: Sure, we're aware that the above two cards both feature pitcher German Jimenez, and that Fleer just got his first name wrong (go figure). But that won't stop us from pitting one chunky man against himself.

Round 1: More masculine mustache (Winner: Cesar)
Round 2: Cooler uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Less racist mascot (Winner: German)
Round 4: Puffier hairdo (Winner: German)
Round 5: Card that vaguely resembles a candy cane (Winner: Cesar)
Round 6: Chins (Winner: German)
Round 7: Worried expression that may portend a dumb mistake on Fleer's part (Winner: Cesar)
Round 8: Insistence upon signing card with his real name (Winner: German)

Final score: German 4, Cesar 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: German survived a blitzkrieg from his made-up counterpart to take a narrow victory. There will be no hailing Cesar, and definitely no hailing Fleer. Real nice work, guys.

Cards submitted by Sean Griffin

German "Cesar" Jimenez, 1988 Fleer and 1989 Greenville Braves Best

Rob Picciolo, 1979 Topps

Name: Rob Picciolo
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: It's worth more crumpled up and used for kindling
Key 1978 stat: 440 hours practicing on the piccolo
So, just what does Rob Picciolo stand for:

Rain, his biggest fear
Overhead, a storm is coming; inside him, a storm already rages
Blue-and-violet sky sends shivers up his spine

Perhaps he was struck by lightning; perhaps, it was bird poop
Intimidating skies above frighten him
Clouds, onerous clouds, have been known to make him weep
Curls of his hair even seem to run from the approaching weather
Inside his soul, a young boy — with a mustache — is frightened by the thunder
Others mock him about his fear; others, such as his mother and father
Lightning, thunder, rain, sleet, snow, hail. His nightmares are only of these things
Oh, lord, Rob. Run! It's starting to drizzle!

Rob Picciolo, 1979 Topps

New York Mets, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Names: Some Mets
Team: See above
Positions: Flying, kneeling, kicking
Value of card: 1 cent for each moron in this photo
Key 1991 stat: 487 innings playing grab-ass
It's time for ultra-stupid pop quiz:

Just what the hell are these three Mets players doing?

(A) Practicing for second, more successful careers as mimes.
(B) Losing a baseball game.
(C) The guy on the left is diving; the guy on the ground is shooting dice; the guy on the right is walking like a toy soldier.
(D) "FUN AT THE BALLPARK"
(E) Demonstrating typical Mets baseball
(F) All of the above, except D.

New York Mets, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Danny Ainge, 1982 Donruss

Name: Danny Ainge
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Infield, outfield, shooting guard, whatever
Value of card: Two tainted meatballs
Key 1981 stat: 1-for-9 from the 3-point line
10 reasons Danny Ainge couldn't hack it as a major-leaguer:
10) He'd try to dribble a ground ball after it was hit to him.
9) He'd set screens on the base paths.
8) He kept watching the clock.
7) He'd play man-to-man defense in the outfield.
6) He'd sneakily paint all the balls orange.
5) He'd catch a pitched ball with his bare hands when he was batting and chest-pass it to the guy in the on-deck circle.
4) He kept crossing out "Blue Jays" on his jersey and writing "Celtics."
3) He made his jockstrap and cup out of a nylon net.
2) He made teammates nervous by talking about "hardwood."
1) He wouldn't take off his shorts.

Danny Ainge, 1982 Donruss

Chris Zorich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 35)

Name: Chris Zorich
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: 2 inches of elastic from that waistband
Key 1990 stat: 176 chicks propositioned
Chris Zorich's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: BigChris97
Age: Young, son
Height: 6-foot-1 and done
Weight: About 280 of pure muscle
Hair color: Dark
Hairstyle: Chest
Ethnicity: Croatian, African-American and awesome
Want children? My muscles are my children
Past relationships: All started in the weight room
Best feature: Sweatpants bulge
Smoke? Not this dude
Drink? Protein shakes

Seeking: A buff broad
Location: The Windy City
Her height: 6-foot-1 to 6-foot-6
Her body type: Filled with muscles
Her ethnicity: Tan

About me: What's up, ladies? I'm Big Chris and I'm ready to pump you up, if you know what I mean. Sure, I spend a lot of time in the weight room, but I also spend a lot of time in the bedroom. Wink, wink. Want to sweat it out and share a couple of protein shakes? You can find me at the gym      in the locker room, if you're lucky.

Chris Zorich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 35)

Taylor Buchholz, 2008 Topps

Name: Taylor Buchholz
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It ain't worth a buck-(holz)
Key 2007 stat: 712 games of "shadow"
It's time for another edition of ... What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was aware someone was behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware aware it was the Pirate Parrot mascot behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware someone behind him was touching him inappropriately: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was excited about this photo: 45%
Buchholz was embarrassed by this photo: 65%
Buccholz was reliving a decade's worth of childhood nightmares in this photo: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz's relationship with Pirate Parrot was a bit "rocky": 10%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were "two birds of a feather": 90%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were caught in this compromising position more than once: 100%

What are the chances ...
This card was the best card of Buchholz's career: 100%
This moment was the highlight of Buchholz's career: 100%
This bird was embarrassed to no end to be caught with a pitcher of Buchholz's caliber: 100%

Taylor Buchholz, 2008 Topps

Jack Snow, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 180)

Name: Jack Snow
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Three melted snowflakes
Key 1971 stat: Several weeks of regret
Here's what Jack Snow stands for:

Jumping around like a ninny
Acting like a fool
Carrying the ball in way that's just begging for a strip
Kicking his legs in the air like a toddler

Strutting around like an idiot
Nosing ahead in the race for NFC's biggest jackass
Obeying every ridiculous command from the photographer
We didn't even get to his pasted-down hard part. Oh well.

Jack Snow, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 180)

Earl Weaver, 1982 Donruss

Name: Earl Weaver
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Manager
Value of card: A minuscule denomination of money no longer in circulation
Key 1981 stat: 211,900 wrinkles
10 real quotes from the one and only Earl Weaver:
10) "Coaches are an integral part of any manager's team, especially if they are good pinochle players."
9) "We're so bad right now that for us back-to-back home runs means one today and another one tomorrow."
8) "Optimism is the cheerful frame of mind that enables a teakettle to sing, though in hot water up to its nose."
7) "Smart managing is dumb. The three-run homers you trade for in December will always beat brains."
6) "(That umpire) is incompetent. (Those other two umpires) are almost as incompetent as (the first umpire). ... The blind one. ... The worst. ... Not smart enough to remember the rule book. ... If he ever touches me again without that blue uniform on, I'll consider it assault and his family will have to fly to see him at Johns Hopkins Hospital."
5) "Don't worry. The fans don't start booing until July."
4) "I think the National League has better biorhythms in July."
3) "Every time I fail to smoke a cigarette between innings, the opposition will score."
2) "If you know how to cheat, start now."
1) "On my tombstone just write, 'The sorest loser that ever lived.'"

Earl Weaver, 1982 Donruss

Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp, 1982 Topps Leaders

Names: Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Outfield and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: One lamp that doesn't work
Key 1981 stat: One plate of spaghetti shared, a la "Lady and the Tramp"
It's a Name Hall of Fame Matchup between two Pale Hose:

Round 1: Better name (Winner: Lemon, but only because of "Chet")
Round 2: Resemblance to a walrus (Winner: Lamp)
Round 3: Square acreage of collar (Winner: Lemon)
Round 4: Got more ladies to pucker up (Winner: Lamp, surprisingly)
Round 5: Brighter personality (Winner: Lemon, again, surprisingly)
Round 6: Requisite early-'80s hair helmet (Winner: Lamp)
Round 7: Noise-muffling sideburns (Winner: Lamp)

Final score: Lamp 4, Lemon 3

Synopsis: Dennis Lamp shines at the end to peel the victory away from Chet Lemon. Lemon doesn't look too sour about the whole thing, though      after all, he doesn't have 18 pounds of hair to weigh him down.

Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp, 1982 Topps Leaders

Jose Rijo, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Jose Rijo
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $5? No way, Jose
Key 1994 stat: One letter away from a Reds player with the last name "Rojo"
It's time for a shady pop quiz:

Why is Jose Rijo wearing those sunglasses?

(A) He pulled them out of a box of Honey Smacks.
(B) He was a huge P.M. Dawn fan.
(C) He always viewed the world through rose-colored glasses, so what the hell.
(D) He just returned from guest starring on "A Different World."
(E) All of the above.

Jose Rijo, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Wilbur Wood, 1977 Topps

Name: Wilbur Wood
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three rotten logs
Key 1976 stat: Got two rave reviews from his dentist
Differences between us and Wilbur Wood:

• We wouldn't sign our first name so huge that we then had to cram our last name in at the end. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't eat that piece of cheesecake that's been sitting in the fridge for two weeks. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't stand idly by while Topps airbrushed what appears to be a graduation gown on us. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't stare up at the Bust Cup and wonder if it was filled with delicious raspberry syrup. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't let a photographer make our second and third chins the focus of a photo. But Wilbur Wood.

Wilbur Wood, 1977 Topps

Maury Buford, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 34)

Name: Maury Buford
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Punter
Value of card: Humiliation
Key 1991 stat: Two first names that fell out of fashion long ago
It's a Sunday Caption, which could have appeared in the Chicago Sun-Times in 1991, maybe: "Bears punter Maury Buford kneels on the ground and looks longingly after the group of offensive linemen who removed and stole his pants while calling him 'Barfy Muford' as the evening breeze ruffles his windbreaker and mullet Friday morning in Chicago."

Maury Buford, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 34)

Dick Harter, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 7)

Name: Dick "Don't Call Me Richard" Harter
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Coach
Value of card: One commercial for Cialis
Key 1989-90 stat: Constantly chuckled at
Yes, we're 13 years old: Dick Harter. Say it out loud. Dick. Harter. Huh-huh. Huh-huh-huh. Dick Harter. Who will Dick Harter insert into the game next? Huh-huh-huh. Dick Harter prefers rigid defense. Huh-huh. Dick Harter has a stiff coaching style. Huh-huh.

Dick Harter, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 7)

Drew Gooden, 2002-03 NBA Hoops Stars (Heinous Hoops Week No. 6)

Name: Drew Gooden
Team: Memphis Grizzlies
Position: Forward
Value of card: Several polygonal shapes
Key 2002-03 stat: Nothing good(en)
We drew up this pop quiz for you: Why is Drew Gooden so livid?

A) He was told he'd be lifting a 10-pound dumbbell, not this brutally heavy 15-pounder.
B) He's just doing an impression of the Grizzlies' logo.
C) He was expecting his photo to take up more than 20 percent of the card.
D) Two words: Bad barbecue.
E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Drew Gooden, 2002-03 NBA Hoops Stars (Heinous Hoops Week No. 6)

Dick Versace, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 5)

Name: Dick Versace
Team: Indiana Pacers
Position: Coach
Value of card: Two buttons sewn onto a tag
Key 1989-90 stat: 14 colors on tie
Brought to you by Versace: Coach Dick Mervyns and the Indiana Pacers were experiencing a tough start to the 1990-91 season. The team couldn't put together a winning streak, and the coach's decisions were questioned and his handling of the team was criticized. Knowing his job was on the line, Mervyns made a bold move: He worked out a first-of-its-kind merchandising deal with Italian fashion company Versace. He agreed to change his last name to "Versace" and wear only the sculpted suits on the sidelines. Though he looked sharp, the team didn't play that way, and the newly named Mr. Versace and his pinstripes were fired a quarter of the way through the season. The good news? More sweatpants.

Dick Versace, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 5)

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox David Robinson Flagship Series (Heinous Hoops Week No. 4)

Name: David Robinson
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: Catching the last 12 seconds of Bob Seger's "Turn the Page" on the radio
Key 1992-93 stat: One smudge of blue paint
A legend from down under: Few people know that Australian rock band Men At Work used to be David Robinson's favorite music group. Indeed, when the Aussies broke up and stopped touring in 1986, The Admiral was crushed. Robinson, who knew the saxophone part to "Who Can It Be Now?" by heart, took it upon himself in the early '90s to form a Men at Work cover band, called Men at Lurk, in San Antonio. Robinson and his bandmates would play nightclubs and city parks before being chased off by bouncers, police officers, and members of the general public. But everything changed in 1996 when Men at Work founder Colin Hay, while visiting the Lone Star State, heard Men at Lurk covering "Down Under." Hay was so horrified by the poor attempt at his music that he immediately reformed his own band and got a restraining order against Robinson's group. The Admiral, saddened, locked himself in his bedroom and played the intro from George Michael's "Careless Whisper" for the next two days straight.

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox David Robinson Flagship Series (Heinous Hoops Week No. 4)

Dennis Rodman, 2011 Leaf Pop Century (Heinous Hoops Week No. 3)

Name: Dennis Rodman
Team: Chicago Bulls
Positions: Bride, forward
Value of card: 
Key 1996 stat: Wore a white dress, even though we all know he's not exactly pure
I don't: Tradition states that every bride needs something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Now, while there's very little that's traditional about Dennis Rodman, let's see what we've got here.

Something old: Rodman's bender was at least on Week 2 at this point
Something new: Word was that Rodman had just gotten another nipple piercing the night before
Something borrowed: The wig? The undergarments? Whatever it was, we're sure that the original owner didn't want it back.
Something blue: Any collector who opened a pack and found this card

Dennis Rodman, 2011 Leaf Pop Century (Heinous Hoops Week No. 3)

Gheorghe Muresan and Shawn Bradley, 1994-95 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 2)

Names: Gheorghe Muresan, left, and Shawn Bradley, uncredited
Teams: Washington Bullets and Philadelphia 76ers, respectively
Positions: Gangly centers
Value of card: A penny, stretched by one of those tourist machines so that it's really long
Key 1994-95 stat: 15 feet, 1 inch, combined
Let's all go to the movies: Usually, we noncreative types here at the Bust would throw together a quick Matchup pointing out that there's an inappropriately placed ball near Muresan's groin, or that these two guys are tall, ugly and pasty. (Lord, are they pasty.) Instead, we're going to spice it up a bit today and match up these two characters' primary feature films, "My Giant" (Muresan) and "Space Jam" (Bradley).

Round 1: Least believable plot point (Winner: "My Giant," in which Billy Crystal believes somebody would pay to see Muersan on screen)
Round 2: Most believable plot point (Winner: "Space Jam," in which an alien "steals" Shawn Bradley's basketball talent and proceeds to score zero points in a game)
Round 3: Worth re-watching (Winner: Neither, a tie)
Round 4: Box office success (Winner: "Space Jam," but only by $82 million)
Round 5: Most regret felt by a main star (Winner: "Space Jam," Bugs Bunny)
Round 6: Pastier 7-footer (Winner: "Space Jam"      turns out we couldn't resist, after all)

Final score: "Space Jam" 4, "My Giant" 1 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Sure, Michael Jordan doesn't need another title, but Shawn Bradley finally gets one for being in the least horrible movie with a 7-foot-6 center in it. Wear it proud, Shawn. And don't worry, Gheorghe      you're still the ugliest dude on this card.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

Gheorghe Muresan and Shawn Bradley, 1994-95 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 2)

Larry Johnson, 1991 Classic (Heinous Hoops Week No. 1)

Name: Larry Johnson
Team: UNLV Runnin' Rebels
Position: Forward
Value of card: Two tickets to the gun show
Key 1991 stat: Ran, but didn't rebel very much
They shoot, they miss: We're a couple weeks into basketball season, and the good people at the Bust are fired up. Despite your requests, we've decided to bring you another week of basketball cards so bad, so ugly, so absurd, that, well, they'll fit right in on this blog. So put on your shortest short-shorts and get ready to start flopping      it's time for Heinous Hoops Week.
Transcript from a late-night Las Vegas-area TV commercial, circa 1991: "Hello, Las Vegas! I'm Larry Johnson. You may know me for my talent on the basketball court, my python-like biceps, or my penchant for wearing multiple pairs of shorts at the same time. And while it's true that I like shooting hoops, I also love shooting guns!" (Cut to footage of a shirtless LJ firing a rifle in the desert) "That's right, handguns, shotguns, machine guns, I love 'em all. I even fired a Gatling gun one time! Thanks, UNLV boosters! Anyway, that's why I've opened up my own shop. At Johnson's Guns, you'll find every type of firearm and ammunition you could want. But don't take it from me      take it from this old gunslinger! (UNLV mascot Hey Reb dances into the shot, firing live rounds from actual pistols) "AAHHHH! HE SHOT ME! OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A     " (Cut to color bars)

Larry Johnson, 1991 Classic (Heinous Hoops Week No. 1)

Jim Lachey, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 33)

Name: Jim Lachey
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: 3 ounces of wet cardboard
Key 1990 stat: 671 stripes

Time for a shameful pop quiz:

Just how loud are Jim Lachey's pants?

(A) What's that?
(B) I'm sorry, say it again.
(C) No, again. Please. I can't hear you.
(D) For the love of god, you'll need to speak much, much louder.
(E) All of the above.

Jim Lachey, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 33)

Doug Bird, 1982 Donruss

Name: Doug Bird
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A feather in your mouth
Key 1981 stat: Twice tried to eat the ivy at Wrigley
Here's what Doug Bird stands for:

Dude's been working on his tan more than he has his curveball
Oiled up his biceps before this shot
Uncle Doug bought all the kids mesh jerseys for Christmas
Gap-toothed? Or is that just some leftover chew on that incisor?

Bird is a fitting last name for this guy, given his wings
It's not wrong to want to grab hold of those handlebars
Ratio of forehead to rest of face appears to be 1:1
Doubtful that Bird was the often word, except in the loss column

Doug Bird, 1982 Donruss

Charle Young, 1977 Topps Mexican (Football Friday No. 179)

Name: Charle Young
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Tight end
Value of card: Zero cents, converted to pesos
Key 1977 stat: Wasn't actually as scary as this photo makes him out to be
Time for a little Q-and-A about this card:
Q: "Carneros"? "AC"? Whaaa?
A: This card is from the 1977 Topps Mexican football set, a set of Spanish-language cards featuring all the 1970s Topps hallmarks      atrocious photography, lots of dudes with afros, and enough airbrushing to fill a style magazine. "Carneros" is Spanish for Rams, and "AC" is short for ala cerrada, which is 28 percent more fun to say than "tight end."
Q: On the card, this guy's name is "Charley," but you dolts have it as "Charle." Are ya stupid or somethin'?
A: Despite all the evidence on this site, we're not complete idiots. In fact, we've got this one right. His name really is Charle; Topps added the Y by mistake. Of course, they'll probably claim that "Charley" is Spanish for Charle, or something.
Q: Why is Charle Young wearing an inflatable rubber suit instead of a football jersey?
A: Look, we know all about rubber suits, and that, my friend, is no rubber suit. That's one of the most frightening instances of airbrushing in the history of sports cards. Mr. Young had been traded from the Eagles to the Rams in early 1977, after Topps had taken all its photos. It was too difficult for the artist (*ahem*) who airbrushed this photo to keep the appearance of a mesh jersey, so instead, old Charle got a solid blue uniform top with two yellow stripes and a childlike "86" drawn on it. (Frankly, this whole idea should have been eighty-sixed.) Thankfully, the artist (*ahem*) chose a different shade of blue for the helmet, making it clear that this photo was doctored, and that Charle does not, in fact, play football while wearing latex.
Q: I have this card. What do you suggest I do with it?
A: Take it to el baño and tirarlo en el inodoro.

Charle Young, 1977 Topps Mexican (Football Friday No. 179)