Randy Bass, 2009 BBM

Name: Randy Bass
Team: Premium Malts (yes, really)
Positions: "Infielder," usually standing in a buffet line
Value of card: One bass skeleton
Key 2008 stat: For relaxing times, made it Suntory time
Get ready for another edition of The Caption, which may have been translated from some Japanese newspaper or other, as far as you know: "Pro Japanese baseball legend Randy Bass holds up a giant, inflatable can advertising Suntory Premium Malts during an old-timers all-star game Sunday in Tokyo. The evening took an ugly turn after the game, however, when Bass learned that the can was not, in fact, filled with delicious malt liquor, and in retaliation looted a nearby convenience store, drinking every 40-ounce bottle of less-than-premium alcohol he could find. Police have estimated that the damage is close to a million yen."

Randy Bass, 2009 BBM

Jack McDowell, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision

Name: Jack McDowell
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Ace
Value of card: A wine stain on your carpet
Key 1993 stat: Hat two sizes too big for his head, apparently
Our interpretation of another masterpiece by the folks at Fleer: OK, so the weird miniature lightning striking the baseball obviously is representative of McDowell's electric stuff. And the smoke coming off the ball likely is indicative of what the artist was on while drawing this creation. We'll assume that the fireworks in the background are in honor of McDowell's 1993 A.L. Cy Young award. Shoot, we'll even venture that the strange twist in the front of his jersey represents his inner animal (presumably a ferret or weasel) trying to come out. But what the heck are those dramatic veins in his glove hand? Good lord, that's frightening.

Jack McDowell, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision

Mike Fetters, 1992 Topps

Name: Mike Fetters
Team: California Angels
Position: Reliever
Value of card: 16 sunflower speeds, spit out of Mike Fetters' mouth
Key 1991 stat: Zero innings pitched
Let's take a look at Mike Fetters, by the numbers:

0: Appearances during 1991 season
162: Games spent sitting in the dugout
1,458: Innings spent sitting in anger in the dugout
29,160: Approximate number of minutes spent sitting in the dugout in anger about his lack of playing time
68,448: Murderous thoughts about Angels manager Doug Rader
76,901: Murderous thoughts about Angels manager Buck Rodgers, who replaced manager Doug Rader after 124 games in 1991 mainly because his name was much cooler
127,811: Murderous thoughts about Topps executives after seeing this card
1,982,905: Murderous thoughts about the talentless hacks behind this baseball card blog after seeing this lackluster post

Mike Fetters, 1992 Topps

Ken Oberkfell, 1990 Topps

Name: Ken Oberkfell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: 17 hangnails
Key 1989 stat: 22 times getting stuck in the batting cage net
It's time for a super-cool pop quiz:

Just how stylish is Ken Oberkfell?

(A) Birds are jealous of his feathered mullet.
(B) Your sister can't get enough of his invisible 'stache.
(C) He loves turtlenecks so much, he owns two turtles.
(D) He wears a Starter jacket despite not being a starter.
(E) All of the above.

Ken Oberkfell, 1990 Topps

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami — you guessed it — Dolphins
Position: Quarterback, marine mammal
Value of card: 11 fish sticks (3 years old and freezer burned)
Key 1991 stat: 22 Isotoner commercials
Fun facts about dolphins, the beloved sea creature, and Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino:

• Dolphins are marine mammals related to whales and porpoises. Dolphin Dan Marino was a land mammal who never had relations with a "whale" on purpose.
• Dolphins are often regarded as one of Earth's most intelligent animals. Dolphin Dan Marino was rarely regarded as one of the NFL's most intelligent players.
• Dolphins communicate using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations. Dolphin Dan Marino communicated using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations.
• Dolphin copulation usually begins belly to belly, and many species engage in lengthy foreplay. Dolphin Dan Marino's copulation usually begins with Winner's Cup Vodka, and he sneers at the second part of this sentence.
• Dolphins have long been a favorite of popular culture, appearing in TV series such "Flipper" and  "SeaQuest DSV." Dolphin Dan Marino has long been a laughingstock of popular culture, appearing in movies such as "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective." 

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Mike Piazza, 1993 Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Catcher, tuxedoed
Value of card: One of the pins from a dress shirt
Key 1993 stat: 12 meatballs pulled from Tommy Lasorda's golf bag
A winner is you: As mentioned above, Mike Piazza was named the 1993 N.L. Rookie of the Year. Here are some other awards and honors this slugging squatter has taken home in his lifetime.

• Second place, 1993 Los Angeles Mullet Grand Prix
• Preferred customer at Big Joe's Hair Grease Emporium
• First place in the 1993 ITAMODYJFTSYL (Is that a Mustache or did You Just Forget to Shave Your Lip?) Cup
• Earned 5 percent off his next rental at Men's Wearhouse for returning the above tux early
• Won an Oscar for Best Fictional Screenplay for "Mr. Piazza Goes to Cooperstown"

Mike Piazza, 1993 Ultra Pro

Matt Morris, 2003 Fleer Ultra

Name: Matt Morris
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Ace
Value of card: Three overfried Rocky Mountain oysters
Key 2002 stat: 10 terrible puns
A post for all the marbles: Matt Morris was having a monumental 2002 season, winning games, striking out hitters and controlling his balls whenever they left his hand. Though some of his boys thought he was nuts, he stuck to his routine: have eggs in the morning, toss stones in the early afternoon, exercise in strange ways focusing on the area between his legs in the late afternoon, and play with his stepchildren at night. Despite the criticism, Morris stuck to the family jewels of wisdom his father gave him: When in doubt, turn your head and cough, and never stick hooks in the tackle. Stick to those, he'd say, and you'll always pass the testes.

Matt Morris, 2003 Fleer Ultra

Craig Kusick, 1979 Topps

Name: Craig Kusick
Team: Minnesota Twins
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: The leftover skin after a Siamese twin separation procedure
Key 1978 stat: 28,981 hours searching for his twin
Here's what Craig Kusick stands for:

Chin lines make necklaces unnecessary
Rose-colored glasses, but still hates what he sees
Ate bad trout sandwich, turned pale
In Twin Cities, still a well-known hobo
Glasses acted as official "jumping of shark" moment for 1970s shades style

Karaoke king who always sings "Superfly"
Underwear had more holes than his swing
Smile is a bit crooked, mirroring his poker reputation
Inside his stomach, an unborn twin
Caterpillar mustache about to crawl off his face
Keynote speaker at Kentucky Fried Chicken College commencement, 1981

Craig Kusick, 1979 Topps

Rick Peterson, Pat Roessler, Sam Hairston, 1991 Line Drive

Names: Rick Peterson, Pat Roessler, Sam Hairston
Team: Birmingham Barons
Positions: Assorted coaches, pre-rookies (wait, what?)
Value of card: How can they be pre-rookies if they're coaches?
Key 1990 stat: That doesn't even make any sense!
This card is stupid: We give up. Let's just do a Matchup already.

Round 1: Concave chest (Winner: Tie between Peterson and Roessler)
Round 2: Convex belly (Winner: Hairston)
Round 3: Doesn't know what to do with hands (Winner: Hairston)
Round 4: Bulge (Winner: Roessler)
Round 5: Unnecessary collared shirt under jersey (Winner: Peterson)
Round 6: Glasses thick enough to stop a foul ball (Winner: Hairston)
Round 7: Pre-rookie (yes, we're still angry) (Winner: None)

Final score: Hairston 3, Peterson 1, Roessler 1 (Ties: 1; nonsense categories: 1)

Synopsis: All three of these guys are far past their pre-rookie days, but Hairston's overall awkwardness scares off the competition to earn him a win in this minor-league Matchup.

Rick Peterson, Pat Roessler, Sam Hairston, 1991 Line Drive

Dave Schmidt, 1985 Topps

Name: Dave "Screech" Schmidt
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two plastic sheriff's badges
Key 1984 stat: 22,876 hours of "Walker, Texas Ranger" watched
Meet the Bayside Rangers starting pitcher: When Dave "Screech" Schmidt wakes up in the morning and the clock gives out a warning, he never thinks he's going to make it to the field on time. By the time he grabs his bats and he gives himself a look, he's at the corner just in time to see the team bus fly by. If the manager pops a test, Schmidt knows he's in a mess, and the dog ate all his chewing tobacco last night. Right alone in his chair, the manager won't know that Schmidt's there, if he can have a decent outing tomorrow he'll be all right. It's all right 'cause he's saved by the bell. It's all right ... it's all right ... it's all right, 'cause he's saved by the bell.

Dave Schmidt, 1985 Topps

Dave Lemanczyk, 1978 Topps

Name: Dave Lemanczyk
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One lemon, squeezed in your eye
Key 1977 stat: Led the league in earned runs allowed (Congrats!)
I'm sorry, Dave: How do we know Dave Lemanczyk is a man?

A) Knowing it was photo day, he wore his finest dress shirt zippered windbreaker under his jersey.
B) What, you think some broad is gonna wear all that baby blue?
C) The only things thicker than those sideburns are those eyebrows.
D) Duh, it says so right in his last name.
E) None of the above.

Dave Lemanczyk, 1978 Topps

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Name: Junior Seau, aka "The Warrior"
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Angry linebacker
Value of card: A pile of robotic body parts
Key 1992 stat: Right leg not amputated at knee, despite what this card shows
Real nice, Upper Deck: So, among the many ridiculous premises of the Upper Deck Fanimation cards was the notion that these stars were battling some sort of evil droids in various sports. Riiight. The thing is, that sure looks like blood and gore      not oil and gears      on Seau's fist. And are those wires spilling out of that severed arm in the lower left, or are they tendons and skin? Great, Upper Deck, you've decided to give the kids nightmares about their favorite athletes literally ripping their opponents limb from limb, soaking in the carnage.
Oh, and another thing: Really, "The Warrior?" You already used that one for Dikembe Mutombo. Look, just because these guys' family histories extend beyond the borders of the U.S., doesn't mean it's OK to just nickname them all "The Warrior." One thing's for sure: No one would ever call whoever drew this atrocity "The Artist." Blech.

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Garret Anderson, 1992 Bowman

Name: Garret Anderson
Team: California Angels
Positions: Outfield, pitchman
Value of card: Coupon for 1 percent off at shuttered Athlete's Foot
Key 1991 stat: 229 self-portraits
Transcript from Los Angeles-area late-night TV Nike Jordan commercial, circa 1992: "Hello, L.A. Garret Anderson here, for Nike Jordan athletic gear. When you want to dress to impress, get fitted for the gym and the club, there's no better brand than Nike Jordan. I wear Jordan wherever I go. In fact, I like Jordan so much I'm not getting paid for this commercial. Actually, Nike and MJ himself have no idea I'm doing this ad. Um ... to be honest ... um ... I'm shooting this in my parents' basement wearing my dad's Adidas workout pants. Well, I might as well come clean: This isn't even my shirt, and I might get sued for airing this commercial. But that won't stop me from saying: When you want to catch real air, pick Jordan."

Garret Anderson, 1992 Bowman

Lenn Sakata, 1981 Donruss

Name: Lenn Sakata
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Second base
Value of card: 2 ounces of crumbled cicada shells
Key 1980 stat: 29 instances where Sakata's similarity to the Orioles mascot was pointed out by fans
Fun facts about the cicada, a winged insect, and Lenn Sakata, an Orioles infielder:

• The cicada is recognizable by its transparent, well-veined wings. Sakata is recognizable by his curly, well-groomed wings.
• The cicada is related to leafhoppers and spittlebugs. Sakata is related to people who get hopped up and spittle all over themselves.
• The cicada has prominent eyes set wide apart on its head. Sakata has prominent glasses that make his eyes appear to be set wide apart on his head.
• The cicada comes out of its shell after a number of years. Sakata comes out of his shell after a number of brewskis.
• The cicada produces its distinctive song through noisemakers called "tymbals" on its abdominal base. Sakata also produces a distinctive noise from what could be called his "abdominal base."

Lenn Sakata, 1981 Donruss

Bo Bowman, 2010 Bowman

Name: Bo Bowman
Team: Some Colorado Rockies farm team or other
Position: First base
Value of card: Two "Bowmans" (in other words, nothing)
Key 2009 stat: Closest he got to The Show was on PlayStation 3
Fun with words: Bo Bowman boasted that he had a boomstick, but that was baloney. His boring, bowlegged blows in the box and bobbles of the ball left his career in the boneyard. He bottomed out, boarded a boat and now butchers boar in Bolivia.

Bo Bowman, 2010 Bowman

Darren Daulton, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Darren Daulton
Team: Butler County Farm Level All-Stars
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 15 minutes of detention
Key 1992 stat: Baseball card companies were still using this same background 
One, two, three: Keeping with the notion put forth by Donruss of the triple play, here are three strange things about li'l Dutch:

1. Despite being only 10 years old, Daulton had already been charged with his first of many DUIs.
2. Despite his olive skin, his mom decided it would be a good idea to throw an olive-colored shirt on him for school picture day. GOSH, THANKS, MOM!
3. Despite sporting a peasant's bowl haircut, Daulton is wearing a striped silk cravat, like some sort of French gentleman.

Darren Daulton, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Jerry Reuss, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Jerry Reuss
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: 4 ounces of arm hair
Key 1989 stats: 20th big-league season, still no fans
Everybody clap your hands: In an effort to help veteran lefty Jerry Reuss relate to the kids, the photographer from Upper Deck told Reuss to act like he was in a music video. Then he had to explain to Reuss what a music video was. What song is Reuss crooning to the camera in the above shot?

A) "The Incontinence Rag"
B) "The Kids On My Lawn Blues"
C) "The Broken Hip Hop"
D) "The Arthritis Swing"
E) "The Incontinence Rag"      wait, we already said that one? OK, how about "The Senility Shuffle?"

Jerry Reuss, 1989 Upper Deck

Kenny Rogers, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Kenneth Scott "Kenny" Rogers
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Getting lost in those baby blue eyes
Key 1993 stat: Never once sang "The Gambler"
It's a Matchup, in name only: Let's see how Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers matches up with legendary country singer Kenny Rogers.

Round 1: Flowing mullet (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 2: Soft, magnificent beard (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 3: Chain of delicious, convenient chicken restaurants (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 4: Ladies seduced with just a look (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Pitched a perfect game (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 6: Sneaked a peak at Dolly Parton's monumental bosom (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 7: 2-to-1 eyebrow to eye size ratio (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 8: Gorgeous penmanship (Winner: Baseball Kenny)

Final score: Baseball Kenny Rogers 4, Singer Kenny Rogers 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Baseball Kenny was far from perfect early, but used a late crescendo to drown out the dulcet tones of his musical counterpart, whose cause was hurt by the fact that his tasty poultry eatery is now only open in Asia. Come back, Kenny!

Kenny Rogers, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Cliff Harris, 1975 Topps (Football Friday No. 156)

Name: Cliff Harris
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Safety
Value of card: No less than if it had been thrown off a cliff
Key 1975 stat: Male pattern baldness
Here's what Cliff Harris stands for:

Cowboys might want to bring this guy back, after this past season
Laugh all you want at his hair, he still got more ladies than you
I mean it though       go ahead and laugh at his hair
Forty-three: Harris' uniform number
Forty-four: Inches of Harris' forehead

Handlebars would have made that mustache even sweeter
Ability to defend passes surpassed only by ability to avoid barbershops
Retired early to avoid risks of NFL life       and went drilling for oil
Rogaine, dude. Rogaine.
Immaculate mane flowing in the breeze
Six Pro Bowls played in       all before the game was moved to Hawaii (*sad trombone noise*)

Cliff Harris, 1975 Topps (Football Friday No. 156)

Will Clark, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: One dog treat, post-digestion
Key 1992 stat: 500 dog turds picked up
Man vs. beast: We'll go ahead and assume that "Psycho" is the name of Will Clark's dog and not just Milk Bone's assessment of Clark's mental state. In that case, it's time for a Matchup.

Round 1: Furriness (Winner: Psycho, barely)
Round 2: Worse breath (Winner: Clark)
Round 3: Ability to hit balls (Winner: Clark)
Round 4: Ability to fetch balls (Winner: Psycho)
Round 5: Ability to lick balls (Winner: Psycho)
Round 6: Number of legs humped (Winner: Clark, surprisingly)
Round 7: Better liked by Mrs. Clark (Winner: Psycho)
Round 8: More in need of a flea dip (Winner: Tie)

Final score: Psycho 4, Clark 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Who's a good boy? Yes, you are! Yes, Psycho is a good boy! What a good doggy!

Card submitted by Tyler Kepner

Will Clark, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Dick Pole, 1976 Topps

Name: Dick Pole
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six socks in need of laundering
Key 1975 stat: One enshrinement in the Name Hall of Fame
Welcome to the Name Hall of Fame: Dick Pole, we salute you. You, good sir, are an American legend — a man with a mullet who will let you know it. Your mustache is sculpted, as are your pristine eyebrows. Your feathered locks wave in the wind like Old Glory herself. And then there's your name, a gift from your mother and father bestowed on the country and millions of fans of the national pastime. It's a name so simple, so classic, that it will never be duplicated. Two names, eight letters, one big thank-you. Yes, thank you, Dick Pole, for never tucking your name between your legs and going by "Richard."

Dick Pole, 1976 Topps

Greg Minton, 1978 Topps

Name: Greg Minton
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Seven broken crayons
Key 1977 stat: 13 colors in the artist's palette
A critic's take on this fine artwork: You know it when you see it: charisma. In all its glory, before you, staring, ever so subtly, into the vast abyss of modern American life, and into your soul. This piece features one man, but it speaks to millions. The glasses, as if formed from the grill of an all-American Chevrolet. The mustache, turned downward, as our lives so often are. The teeth. Oh, those bright, brilliant teeth — they light the way into the future, a senseless but staggering future, full of possibility, crammed with ideas. Yes, ideas, the rejuvenation of existence in one simple moment. Yes, ideas, often glorious, always fleeting. Yes, ideas, the kind that sometimes — for the lucky few — are as great as this, a combination photograph and color-by-numbers executed by the next great American artist, third-grader Benny Carrasco. Fin.

Greg Minton, 1978 Topps

Troy Percival, 1992 Bowman

Name: Troy Percival
Team: California Angels
Position: Closer
Value of card: 16 blades of grass (dead and dried)
Key 1991 stat: One pair of jeans owned
Transcript from Los Angeles-area TV commercial, circa 1992: "Howdy, sports fans. I'm Troy Percival of the California Angels, and I wear Black Jeans. Why Black Jeans? Because nothing makes you look hotter and keeps your goods sweatier than Black Jeans. You can wear Black Jeans with just about anything, even an atrocious blue T-shirt with buttons. Boom. Black Jeans. Say you're at the mall and some other guy is wearing bluejeans. Guess what? He's a sucker. You're wearing Black Jeans and all the girls want you. Boom. Like to wear your mom's watch? Boom. You look more like a man if you wear your mom's watch while you're wearing Black Jeans. Boom. Have a crazy-dope flat top? It's crazier and doper when you're wearing Black Jeans. Boom. Remember: The whitest dudes on the block wear Black Jeans. Boom."

Troy Percival, 1992 Bowman

Dan Gladden, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Dan Gladden
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Glad bag, ripped
Key 1989 stat: 0-and-46 against Kirby Puckett in eating competitions
Finishing with a grimace: What's the most disturbing thing about this Diamond King?

A) Dan Gladden's lopsided face
B) Dan Gladden's trillions of wrinkles
C) Dan Gladden's 20-hair mustache
D) Dan Gladden's squinty, pea-size eyes
E) Tiny, dancing Dan Gladden
F) The lopsided border. Poor form, Donruss!

Dan Gladden, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Gary Ward, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Gary Ward
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A wadded-up tissue of unknown origin
Key 1985 stat: 14 shaving mishaps
Conversation between big Gary Ward and little Gary Ward, sometime after this frightening illustration was completed:

Little Gary Ward: "You knew it was photo day, right? Did you just choose not to even clean up the handlebars on that mustache?"
Big Gary Ward: "Oh, good, I'm catching insults from a guy with a clubfoot."
LGW: "Nice smile, by the way. Or are you just mouth-breathing? It's hard to tell."
BGW: "I'm getting ready to bite your little head off, pipsqueak.
LGW: "You don't scare me. But your unibrow does."
BGW: "Man, shut up! I don't have a unibrow. It's just that this damned artist can't seem to draw facial hair of any kind. I mean, look at you! You don't even have handlebars on your 'stache, and we're supposed to be the same person!"
LGW: "... You know what? You're right. I'm sorry Big Gary. We should be working together, not picking each other apart. Can you forgive me?"
BGW: "You got it, Little Gary. Come over here and give me a hug." (Bites off Little Gary's head) "Heh. Sucker."

Gary Ward, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Gerald Perry, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Gerald Perry
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: First base
Value of card: One of those blue arrows, jabbed in your eye
Key 1988 stat: Name was still better than "Gaylord"
Yep, that's disturbing all right: Gah, we can't even look at this card for very long. Maybe it's the way Perry's right eye points down while his left eye points up. Maybe it's the way the "A" on his hat is pointed right at us even though the hat brim is clearly cocked slightly to one side. Or maybe it's the rape stare that our friend Perez made Gerald Perry wear. Whatever it is, we're going to go huddle under our blankets until you move on to the next card. Hurry!

Gerald Perry, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Randy Johnson, 1992 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Ace
Value of card: 14 units of the "big" variety
Key 1991 stat: 328 grown men scared
A disturbing portrait: What is it? What is this frightening creature before us? It has the mane of a lion but the neck of a giraffe. It has the evil stare of a gargoyle and the jagged features of a pterodactyl. It throws balls of fire and spits acid-laced epithets. It is mean, no doubt. But what is this thing? We're not sure, but that out-of-proportion S on its hat must stand for "scary."

Randy Johnson, 1992 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Dave Dravecky, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Dave Dravecky
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three children's drawings, three years after they're drawn
Key 1983 stat: 13 vomit color combinations
"Disturbing" is only the beginning: Oh my god, man! What's happening to you? Look! Look in this mirror, man! Your face ... it's ... it's melting! Your face is melting! Your chin is dropping under your skin into your neck! Your nose is slowly expanding outward! Your eyes are sliding across your face toward the place your ears used to be! For the love of all that's holy! Can someone help this poor guy? Oh, no! Look at his smaller self! Look at what he's turned into! He's ... he's ... faceless! Ah!

Dave Dravecky, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Rick Reuschel, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Rick Reuschel
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: What's the opposite of "giant"?
Key 1988 stat: 2,218 times called "Big Daddy"
Egads! Another disturbing Diamond King: Uh, hey, Rick. What are you staring at? No, we didn't call you fat. What's that? You're a bit sensitive about having the nickname "Big Daddy"? Well, we're sorry. We didn't make it up. We don't think you're overweight. You're a heckofa pitcher. You have more than 200 wins. Um, why do you keep staring at us? Say something, Rick. Say something. What's that? What are you whispering? Why, yes, Rick, we, ah, love your grandma's quilt. Thanks for bringing it and hanging it behind you. Now can you quit staring at us, please?

Rick Reuschel, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six diamonds (playing cards, not gemstones)
Key 1987 stat: 412 children frightened
Baseball's back, and so are Diamond Kings: We're ruining a perfectly good week again. In the past, we brought you atrocious, god-awful and dreadful installments of this famed Donruss series, but we had an idea (just one): Why not focus on Diamond Kings that are more frightening than they are funny? Well, we were mentally exhausted with coming up with our one idea for the week, so we couldn't think of a reason to stop ourselves from bringing you Disturbing Diamond Kings Week. Again, we apologize in advance.
What makes this particular Diamond King so disturbing? Short answer: a lot of things. We can start with Calderon's parents, who appear by his name and his looks to be a Russian soldier and a Puerto Rican yeti. Then, of course, we have Calderon's exploding afro, which we can only imagine covered poor people over a 2-mile radius in Soul Glo juice. And we would be remiss if we didn't mention Calderon's time as a drummer. But perhaps the most disturbing thing on this card — no, not the cockeyed chin or octopus bangs — is the tiny Pete Incaviglia who has taken the place of a tiny Ivan Calderon. Now that's disturbing.

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 1)