Benny Santiago, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Team Series

Name: Benito "Benny" Santiago
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A quarter, flipped and then lost down a sewer grate
Key 1993 stat: Zero marlins caught
Repetitive motion disorder: Watching a catcher toss off his mask and go scrambling for a ball is one of the most dramatic sights in baseball. Benny Santiago knew this and used it to his advantage. He'd wear his headgear constantly, whether at the ballpark, out in public or in the comfort of his own home. Here are some less appropriate situations in which Benny flipped his lid, so to speak:

• In the car, anytime he tried to run a yellow light
• When the restaurant check came
• Anytime the bartender called last call
• During "Bud Bowl III"
• Whenever he heard the chorus of Van Halen's "Jump"
• After making sweet, sweet love to Mrs. Santiago

Benny Santiago, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Team Series

John Cangelosi, 1989 Topps

Name: John Cangelosi
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One baseball card that's been stuffed in an armpit
Key 1988 stat: Better pitcher than hitter
Conversation between Topps photographer and John Cangelosi, Feb. 21, 1989:
Topps photog: "OK, John. Let's take some photos. Now, there's no reason to be worried."
John Cangelosi: "I'm not worried, just nervous. And sometimes when I'm nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and then smell them like this!" (Removes hands from pits, inhales deeply)
TP: (Dry-heaves) "Aaaaand we're done here."

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

John Cangelosi, 1989 Topps

Jack Reynolds, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 164)

Name: Jack Reynolds
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Middle linebacker
Value of card: A shot of Jack (meaning a photo of this guy, not 1 ounce of whiskey)
Key 1973 stat: 15 real rams killed in headbutting contests in the wild
It's time for another installment of The Caption, which probably didn't but could have run in the Los Angeles Times in 1974: "Los Angeles Rams middle linebacker Jack Reynolds, center, takes his first shower in three months, which happens to be the last time he got a haircut and shaved his sideburns, during a game against the Houston Oilers on a blistering day that was so hot players were squeezing water under their pads and onto their chests between make-believe goalposts and football card company photographers were so dehydrated they began to hallucinate and believe that snapping a photo of a grown man, a beastly man, squirting water down his shirt would make for an appropriate football card that would be collected by America's children, Sunday in Los Angeles."

Jack Reynolds, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 164)

Mike Tyson, 1974 Topps

Name: Mike Tyson
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Shortstop, super featherweight
Value of card: Two bloody mouthpieces
Key 1973 stat: One more home run than we hit that year
Fun facts about Mike Tyson the shortstop and "Iron" Mike Tyson the boxer:

• Iron Mike was one of the most intimidating figures in his sport. Baseball Mike couldn't even intimidate the bat boys.
• Iron Mike had a video game named after him. Baseball Mike had a bowl of soup named after him.
• Iron Mike had a cameo in the film "The Hangover." Baseball Mike was a late-inning replacement in several games that he showed up to hung over.
• Iron Mike once bit off part of another fighter's ear. Baseball Mike had his mother cut his meat for him until he was 15.
• Iron Mike has a checkered history with women, to say the least, including three marriages, allegations of domestic abuse and a rape conviction. Baseball Mike is still working up the courage to talk to that cute waitress at the Denny's.

Mike Tyson, 1974 Topps

Domingo Jean, 1992 Bowman

Name: Domingo Jean
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: Pitcher, movie villain
Value of card: Not nearly as high as this guy's hair
Key career stat: Won one more MLB game than we did
Try this at home: Here's how to make your very own Domingo Jean (not that you'd want to):

5 parts May Day from "A View to a Kill"
2 parts Donatella Versace (namely, her upper lip and lower lip)
1 part film from a VHS cassette of "Coneheads"
1 part rum
1 JCPenney catalog, shredded

Mix the first three ingredients roughly on a Sunday in the Dominican Republic. Sprinkle with the shredded catalog pages, then send the concoction to New York. Drink the rum and try to pretend that you never saw the finished product. Realize that some things, once seen, cannot be unseen. Then, shudder uncontrollably, and you're all done!

Domingo Jean, 1992 Bowman

Darrell Porter, 1987 Topps

Name: Darrell Porter
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Catcher, designated hipster
Value of card: A pint of porter, spilled all over your pants
Key 1986 stat: Worked rather hard on that mini-mullet, thank you very much
Clearing up some rumors about Darrell Porter and his glasses:

• Darrell Porter did not have an exceedingly tiny head. Even Barry Bonds' noggin would look minuscule behind those glasses.
• Darrell Porter would not have needed tape had his glasses been broken. The two halves would have still been so huge that they would have been held together by their own gravitational pull.
• That is, in fact, Darrell Porter's real nose. It just looks like he's wearing Groucho Marx specs without the mustache.
• Darrell Porter did not actually need those glasses to see. Rather, he just wanted to look smart for the ladies.
• Darrell Porter's glasses are, in fact, proof that everything is bigger in Texas.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Darrell Porter, 1987 Topps

Larry Walker, 1995 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Larry Walker
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Outfield, first base 
Value of card: Two pennies stuck together with maple syrup
Key 1994 stat: One labor stoppage
Ways you can tell Larry Walker is Canadian:

• You know, the whole Montreal thing
• His mullet has clearly been frozen stiff by a harsh winter
• All his bats were made from maple wood
• He was always insulting the umpires in French
• That glove is at least 30 percent moose leather
• Clothed from neck to toe to combat sub-zero temperatures
• His Louisville Slugger is actually a goalie stick! What the heck, eh?

Larry Walker, 1995 Topps Stadium Club

Jason Schmidt, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Jason Schmidt
Team: Durham Bulls
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 14 clouds
Key 1993 stat: One gray undershirt that had started the season white
It's all a bit hazy: Despite the fact that Jason Schmidt is holding this baseball up against the camera lens, we still can't read what it says. Can you?

A) Unofficial penciled-in mustache
B) Official double-chin league
C) Offensive baseball language
D) Official Sinclair Lewis
E) Optical illusion liquor

Jason Schmidt, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Topps

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: It's worth its equivalent in off-center 1989 Topps cards
Key 1988 stat: 264 women with a case of "Fernandomania"
10 symptoms of "Fernandomania," as diagnosed by Bust doctors:
10) Inability to grow legitimate mustache
9) Tiny pink circles on forearm sleeves that are not — to repeat, not — the result of the lowest possible production standards
8) Arms bent at unimaginable angles
7) Mullet growth at 10 times the normal rate
6) Eyebrows that attach to each other and the hairline
5) Distorted perception of reality, like thinking the Dodgers had a shot to win the N.L. West in 1989
4) Restless chin syndrome
3) Sweating, a whole lot of sweating
2) Elephantitis of the bulge
1) Who cares? Pinata party!

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Topps

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Football Heroes (Football Friday No. 163)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 11 VHS copies of "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
Key 1991 stat: Four Isotoner gloves worn (two on right hand, one on left hand and one on, ahem)
Here's what Dan Marino stands for:

Dolphin lover — not in that way, sicko
Aqua Velva saturated and proud of it
Never won a title, except for "World's Sexiest Quarterback"

Miami man with one vice: looking good
Armed with a football, ravishing looks and an 18-pound jacket
Roles in films such as "Ace Ventura," "Holy Man" and "Little Nicky" are, um, legendary
Inside a stone oval, he invites your soft caress
Never met a collar he wouldn't pop
Orange skin a shade lighter than pigskin

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Football Heroes (Football Friday No. 163)

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, desperado
Value of card: One god-awful fake cowboy hat
Key 1989 stat: Pitched on Mars, apparently
A night at the movies: Yes, those are baseballs where gun holsters are supposed to be. Rather than even attempt to process how that would work, here are some movie titles that might fit this card:

• Once Upon a Time in the AL West
• A Fistful of Robin Ventura's Hair
• The Magnificent 34
• 3-0 Bravo
• The Treasure of Ruben Sierra's Madre
• The Good, the Bad and the Nasty
• True Spit
• Not-So-Young Guns

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Billy Cowan, 1972 Topps

Name: Billy Cowan
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfielder
Value of card: In heaven, earthly goods hold no value; this card, on the other hand, holds no earthly value on Earth
Key 1971 stat: Four hours, 15 minutes setting up the perfect shot
Take a bow, Topps; take a bow: Well look what you've done. You're fabulous, aren't you? Just look how clever you are. Let us be the first to congratulate you on being the wittiest baseball card company in the world. Sure, it took 41 years for someone to tell you you're the best, but we care. We care, deeply. We care so deeply, in fact, that we're going to help you out with your little joke: We drew wings on Cowan's back, covered him in silken robes and surrounded him in an ethereal glow. Here you go. Congratulations again.

Billy Cowan, 1972 Topps

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Topps

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three pieces of discarded rubber
Key 1987 stat: 212 times called "Ivan the Terrible" by the Chicago media when he was in a slump
Time for a Windy City pop quiz:

What the hell is Ivan Calderon wearing under his mesh jersey?

(A) The garbage bag usually used to store the team's soiled jockstraps
(B) A new, improved mesh — without any holes
(C) The Batsuit
(D) He's not wearing anything; that's body hair less ridiculous than what's on his face
(E) None of the above

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Topps

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Name: Paul Byrd
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Free skee-ball game at Chuck E. Cheese
Key 1991 stat: Got owned in Tecmo Bowl 1,644 times
Cleveland Indians' scouting report on draft pick Paul Byrd: "I realize we're looking toward the future, but should we really be drafting 12-year-olds? ... Eats out of the same bowl his mom uses to cut his hair, which is both efficient and disgusting. ... Has a nice Uncle Charlie. No, not a curve ball      he has an uncle named Charlie who drives him to school every day. ... Hopefully, he'll be here for spring training. From the looks of this photo, he was last seen entering the Tron world via a JCPenney portrait studio. ... The kid seemed a little disappointed that our uniforms didn't include more denim. ... Needs to improve: change-up, pick-off move, bedwetting."

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Johnny Boychuk, 2012-13 Score (Stanley Cup Week No. 7)

Name: Johnny Boychuk
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Defenseman
Value of card: 11 splinters in your fingers
Key 2011-12 stat: 146 times asked, "Bruins? Do you play for UCLA?"
Oh, Boychuk: Well, what do we have here. You're all dressed up in a snazzy uniform, on ice that's as fast as a cheetah on methamphetamine. You have a sharp-looking visor and a look of determination on your face. You're a winner. You sure are. No one can stop you, champ. You've got the hockey world on a string — and then you used it for this card's border. We want to put our hands together for you, Boychuk, because you stick with it, stick to your guns, stick it out and never get the short end of the stick. For you, stud, hockey's a snap.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Johnny Boychuk, 2012-13 Score (Stanley Cup Week No. 7)

Larry Giroux, 1975-76 O-Pee-Chee (Stanley Cup Week No. 6)

Name: Larry Giroux
Team: Detroit Red Wings
Position: Defense
Value of card: A tire with a goose's wing bolted to it
Key 1974-75 stat: Thought showering was overrated
Introducing ... The Afroux®: Back in the day, before the NHL got soft and started worrying about things like concussions and severe cranial bleeding, hockey players didn't have to wear helmets and were free to express their sense of style, at least from the neck up. So it was that talented Red Wings defenesman Larry Giroux unleashed upon the world The Afroux®, a trademarked hairstyle designed to keep his head warm on the ice, and his image cool off it. The thick, sweat-filled interior of the coif also served to soften blows to the skull, be they from hockey pucks, opponents' sticks or the fists of a rival at the local watering hole. The 2-inch-wide sideburns helped to direct sound to the ear, warning the wearer of The Afroux® of approaching danger since his peripheral vision was compromised by the 'do's bushiness. And the optional handlebar mustache-unibrow combo helped keep perspiration out of the eyes and mouth. Unfortunately for Giroux, his trademark was revoked after it was discovered that his creation was just a ripoff of the Ray-May May-Day® held up with the help of some poutine gravy.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Larry Giroux, 1975-76 O-Pee-Chee (Stanley Cup Week No. 6)

Pat Falloon, 1992-93 Pinnacle Sidelines (Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Name: Pat Falloon
Team: San Jose Sharks
Position: Right wing
Value of card: One consolation prize for missing out on drafting Eric Lindros
Key 1992-93 stat: Yet to be called "Fat Balloon" (except by his mother)
Time for The Caption, which may have run in the San Jose Mercury News in 1992, as far as you know: "San Jose Sharks forward Pat Falloon goes for a joyride past several animal pens after hotwiring a road paver from a San Jose construction site Sunday. Falloon was quickly stopped and taken into custody on charges of grand theft auto and indecent exposure, thanks to the shorts he was wearing."

Pat Falloon, 1992-93 Pinnacle Sidelines (Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Tom Miller, 1971-72 O-Pee-Chee (Stanley Cup Week No. 4)

Name: Tom Miller
Team: New York Islanders
Position: Forward
Value of card: Zzzzzzzzz
Key 1970-71 stat: Zzzzzzzzz
Hit the sack: You're getting sleepy. Sllleeeeepppyy. It's been a long day, buddy. There, there. You should take a load off and turn in for the night. Take off those heavy gloves. There you go. Put the kneepads away and get into your PJs. Now you're comfortable, huh, buddy? Yeah, pull up those covers, right up to that bushy little mustache of yours. Warm enough? Need some milk? Oh, you're sleepy. Are your eyelids getting heavy? Just close those baby-blues. Close 'em. Close 'em. There you go, Tommy. Sweet dreams of fast ice and Zambonis. Nighty-night.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Tom Miller, 1971-72 O-Pee-Chee (Stanley Cup Week No. 4)

Casey Jones, 1989-1990 7th Inning Sketch (Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Name: Casey Jones
Team: North Bay Centennials
Position: Mascot
Value of card: 14 tickets to watch the North Bay Centennials, a junior ice hockey team in the Ontario Hockey League before their disbandment in 2002
Key 1988-89 stat: 761 mustache twirls
The North Bay Centennials' scouting report on mascot Casey Jones: "Anyone who will pierce his skin with sharp twigs to emulate above-nose whiskers is OK in our book.  ... We think this guy can 'conduct' the offense and 'engineer' victories. ... His mouth is perfectly shaped to shoot cylinders long distances, so we won't need to buy one of those shirt-zookas to rile up the crowd. ... He's got a locomotive, that's for sure (so say the ladies). ... It's our intent to frighten the children who attend our games to the point that they crap the bed and don't sleep for weeks, so we can consider that accomplished. ... We'll need to get those cheek tumors looked at. ... We're interested, but we think he might get a big head. ... Hell, we're a junior hockey team in Ontario, sign him up and let him play wherever he wants!"

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Casey Jones, 1989-1990 7th Inning Sketch (Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Stan Mikita, 1972-73 O-Pee-Chee Team Canada (Stanley Cup Week No. 2)

Name: Stan. Mikita
Team: Team Canada
Position: Giant floating head
Value of card: 19 maple leaves
Key 1972-73 stat: Made all the ladies swoon. All of 'em.
Five bits of information we can glean from this expertly designed hockey card:

1) Stan Mikita was approximately 58 years old at the time of this photo. What's that? He was actually 33? Sweet Jeebus!
2) His head was like Sputnik: spherical, but quite pointy in parts. He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow.
3) He always said his name as though it were two sentences. "Stan." (pause) "Mikita."
4) His hairstyle defied every law of physics known to mankind.
5) The dimple in his right cheek was so deep that it contained, among other things, his wallet, his bicycle and the ruins of an ancient civilization.

Stan Mikita, 1972-73 O-Pee-Chee Team Canada (Stanley Cup Week No. 2)

David Shand, 1980 O-Pee-Chee (Stanley Cup Week No. 1)

Name: David Shand
Team: Um, uh, Toronto Maple Leafs?
Position, poste: Defense, defenseur
Value of card: A Canadian coin with a duck on it
Key 1979 stat: Zero times wearing the correct uniform
Welcome to Stanley Cup Week: We here at The Bust couldn't be happier to welcome you to Stanley Cup Week, the most Canadian of all weeks you'll find on this blog. For instance, this week, we're watching hockey, riding moose, drinking maple syrup by the gallon, communicating only by saying "eh" and engaging in hurtful stereotypes for the fun of it. So, enjoy the rest of the week, eh?
Now playing for the (blank): Here we see David Shand, apparently a defenseman for the Toronto Maple Leafs, a proud franchise that has worn the same blue-and-white uniforms since the 1920s. Which leads to the question: What the hell is Shand wearing? Was the photo from his minor-league days? Was he on the Calgary Flames or Detroit Red Wings and got traded? Did his mom screw up dressing him? Or was he the short-lived 1979 mascot for Toronto's favorite team who then moved on to a U.S. college athletics program?

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

David Shand, 1980 O-Pee-Chee (Stanley Cup Week No. 1)

John Stockton, 1993-94 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 7)

Name: John Stockton
Team: Utah Jazz
Position: Point guard
Value of card: Two dead AAA batteries
Key 1993-94 stat: Not actually that buff
Possible conversation between John Stockton and the basketball on the card above: 
John Stockton: "OK, basketball, prepare to begin dribbling."
Basketball: "John, I'm a basketball. This ham radio get-up isn't doing anything. It's just a voice in your head."
JS: "Shut up, basketball, or I'll destroy you with my conical, turquoise eye laser!"
BB: "You don't have an eye laser, John. Please stop making things up."
JS: "That's enough out of you! Just for that, I'm gonna dribble you extra hard."
BB: "Oof! Oof! Oh, wait, no, it doesn't actually hurt because, for some reason, you're dribbling me on grass in a national park."
JS: (Picks up ball, starts crying) "Why can't you be supportive of my imagination? I'm just trying to have a little fun! I suppose you like being held in Malone's sweaty palms better?"
BB: "Oh, thank god you stopped dribbling. You know that every time I hit the floor, I can see up your shorts, right?"

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

John Stockton, 1993-94 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 7)

Jamal Mashburn, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 6)

Name: Jamal Mashburn
Team: Dallas Mavericks
Position: Small forward
Value of card: Five chess pieces carved from petrified cow dung
Key 1994-95 stat: Zero games of chess won against computer (Difficulty: Easy)
Love is a punderful thing: Jamal Mashburn may have been a king on the court early in his career, but he was a total square when it came to the ladies. He tried every gambit he could think of in his efforts to find a mate, but all his ploys were put in check, leaving him alone to buff the bishop. His teammates showed no sympathy for his lack of game, asking him, "Hey, rook, what are you, some kind of queen?" Depressed, Mashburn pawned off nearly all of his belongings and took the money to his local watering hole      a move that would change everything. Around closing time, he finally met his match: a woman as down on her luck as he was. And so it was that Jamal Mashburn finally got a piece, all thanks to a one-knight stand.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

Jamal Mashburn, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 6)

Dan Majerle, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 5)

Name: Dan Majerle
Team: Phoenix Suns
Position: Small forward
Value of card: Four "Thunders" (Majerle's term for passing gas)
Key 1994-95 stat: Head not actually miniscule when compared with torso
Clearing up some rumors related to"Thunder" Dan Majerle:

• Majerle did not have a magical hawk that vaguely resembled a fish and shot lighting from its talons. He did have a guinea pig named Sparky, though.
• If Majerle did have such a magical hawk, the bird would probably have more feathers than Majerle's hair does.
• Majerle could not fly by shooting flames out of his legs. But he did run really fast after trying to light his flatulence on fire one time.
• Majerle did, in fact, make inappropriate hand gestures on occasion.
• Phoenix is not actually a desert wasteland with more cacti and buttes than people. It does, however, have a poisonous cloud of pollution hanging over it.
• Majerle could not soar miles above the Earth. If he had been able to, maybe he would have drove more often instead of jacking up so many threes.

Dan Majerle, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 5)

Hakeem Olajuwon, 1993-94 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 4)

Name: Hakeem Olajuwon
Team: Houston Rockets
Position: Center
Value of card: The collective dung from the animals pictured above
Key 1992-93 stat: Seven vowels in name
Introducing a new feature: What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Olajuwon had witnessed a wild tiger in person: 23%
Olajuwon had witnessed a wild elephant in person: 38%
Olajuwon had witnessed African stereotypes in person: 100%

What are the chances ... 
Olajuwon would sweat if he saw miniature animals in person: 9%
Olajuwon would sweat if he thought a flock of birds might defecate on his head: 14%
Olajuwon would sweat if he were on the African plains: 89%
Olajuwon would sweat, period: 100%

What are the chances ...
Fleer was ashamed of this card: 85%
Olajuwon was ashamed of this card: 95%
Elephants and tigers the world over were ashamed of this card: 100%

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

Hakeem Olajuwon, 1993-94 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 4)

Gary Payton, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No 3)

Name: Gary Payton
Team: Seattle SuperSonics
Position: Point Guard
Value of card: A twamp sack of bammer
Key 1993-94 stat: Zero gloves worn during games
Rumor fits like a glove: In the mid-1990s, underground Bay Area hip-hop artists rapped a lot about cars, weed, crime and Gary Payton. E-40, B-Legit, Too Short and others flowed on songs that name-dropped Payton, an Oakland native. In many of these songs, the rappers claimed to have been smoking pot with Payton. Was this true? Doesn't matter. What matters is that the artist responsible for this card was obviously a big mid-1990s underground Bay Area rap fan. How do we know that? Let's start with "smoking bomb" being a slang term for inhaling marijuana and this card featured a "smoking bomb" basketball. Then there's the environment surrounding Payton. It looks like something you'd see in a crappy blacklight poster at a head shop. Payton, himself, is sporting an out-of-it, mouth-hanging-open look he never displayed on the court; it's a look that can only be the result of heavy pot use. And, of course, there's all the green. We get it, Fleer artist, you like puffin' on the sticky-icky while holla'ing at the homeboy Gary Payton. No doubt.

Gary Payton, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No 3)

Karl Malone, 1992-93 Upper Deck FaniMation (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 2)

Name: Karl "The Mailman" Malone
Team: Utah Jazz
Position: Power forward
Value of card: 46 cents (current stamp price)
Key 1991-92 stat: Zero letters delivered
Fun facts about Karl "The Mailman" Malone and real mail carriers:

• The Mailman delivered victories and excitement to legions of fans. Mail carriers deliver letters and parcels to fewer and fewer households.
• The Mailman for years sported short-shorts. Mail carriers for decades have also sported short-shorts.
• The Mailman made millions of dollars over his distinguished career. Mail carriers survive millions of paper cuts over their distinguished careers.
• The Mailman, for years, was a force in the post. Mail carriers, for certain, force you to wait at the post office.
• The Mailman, for a power forward, was a feared shooter. Mail carriers, for a time, were feared shooters.

Karl Malone, 1992-93 Upper Deck FaniMation (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 2)

Anfernee Hardaway, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 1)

Name: Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway
Team: Orlando Magic
Position: Guard
Value of card: A penny
Key 1993-94 stat: 14 different-colored tuxes worn
Welcome to Basketball Barf Art Week: With a Miami-Indy Game 7 tonight and the NBA Finals starting Thursday, it's a time for celebration. What better way to celebrate than with seven of the most mind-numbing basketball illustrations ever produced in sports card form? Well, er, yeah, there are plenty of better ways to celebrate than with these abominations, but, hell, we have nothing better to do, so enjoy the week.
10 magic tricks performed by Penny Hardaway:
10) Pull a rabbit out of his jockstrap.
9) Levitate the logo for the Internet's most embarrassing sports card blog.
8) Rent a tux; throw up on it; get it dry-cleaned; take it back.
7) Get commercials starring Lil' Penny made despite their obvious imbecility.
6) Cut Shaq Daddy in half (making him still about 6 feet tall).
5) Combine a card focused on magic with a solar system background — for no apparent reason.
4) Force-feed puns to an audience ad nauseum.
3) Turn a basketball into a penny with the help of trashy art.
2) Make his career disappear.
1) Grow a mustache as a haircut.

Anfernee Hardaway, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 1)

Dmitri Young, 2008 Upper Deck

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Washington Nationals
Position: First base
Value of card: Two-thirds of a tub of lard
Key 2007 stat: Wore glove on only half of hand
Here's what Bust favorite Dmitri Young stands for:

Doughnuts
Meatballs
Ice cream
Triple Bypass Burgers
Ramen by the case
In-N-Out Double Doubles

Yoohoo
Onion rings
Upside down cake
Nuggets (not just chicken)
Gravy

Dmitri Young, 2008 Upper Deck

Steve Finley, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Steve Finley
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Sprayed dirt
Key 1991 stat: Dressed for winter inside a dome
Here's a look at this action-packed card by the numbers:

4: Butt cheeks prominently on display
98.2: Percentage of the two bodies seen here that is covered with clothing
2: Pristine, white stirrup socks that are about to need a washin'
4: Finley was that many inches away from a broken cheekbone
0.5: Actual faces seen on this wonderful card

Steve Finley, 1992 Donruss Triple Play