Felix Millan, 1970 Topps

Name: Felix Millan
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: 2B (or, second base)
Value of card: Free newspaper subscription for one month (Sundays through Fridays not included)
Key 1970 stat: One boring all-star card
Journamalism: Newspaper headline writers (yes, there are still a handful of them these days) are tasked with summarizing a full story into just a few words. It's a task that requires thought and time, and it usually takes a few attempts to find the perfect wording. Here are a few headline possibilities that were rejected before this poor imitation of The Sporting News settled on the super-informative "Felix Millan     2B":

• Felix Millan     2 Eyebrows
• Felix Millan     Not the Cat
• Some Guy     2B
• Felix Millan     Smiling?
• Millan Defeats Truman

Felix Millan, 1970 Topps

Tom Banks, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 171)

Name: Tom Banks
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Center
Value of card: One voided check from Tom's bank
Key 1977 stat: Four families of birds nested in his beard and mane
The legend behind this Tom Banks card: It was May 1977, and the Topps photography staff was scrambling. With its annual set due out in less than a month, the quality control team had realized there was no card for St. Louis Cardinals all-pro center Tom Banks. Apparently, the only photos Topps had of Banks featured quarterback Jim Hart's hands nestled comfortably against the center's nether regions. Rather than ruin Topps' reputation for high-quality, kid-friendly photography, an executive decision was made: The staff's best airbrush artist melded a photo of Santa Claus' torso with a grainy shot purportedly showing bigfoot's head, and then placed the creation on a slate gray background. Crisis averted      chalk up another victory for Topps.

Tom Banks, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 171)

Bob Hamelin, 1996 Pinnacle

Name: Bob Hamelin (we think)
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: A piece of paper with your name on it
Key 2013 stat: One dubious distinction
W.O.A.T.? Recently, Slate executive editor Josh Levin declared the above piece of cardboard the worst baseball card of all time. The argument is clear: Here we have DH-platoon specialist Bob Hamelin's sad, pudgy face peering out through his glare-covered glasses, and his sad, pudgy mullet peering out from under his autographed baseball cap. Most egregiously, though, Hamelin is holding against his chin a sign with his name printed on it      meanwhile, the card's breathtaking design has some sort of nameplate pyramid covering up part of said sign. The card is atrocious, the photography horrible, and the mullet greasy. But the worst of all time? Sorry, Slate, but we've seen worse. Here are some (though not all) of them:

• This generic Frank Thomas card that may have been made with construction paper and line tape.
• This Keith Comstock minor-league card that's just plain nuts.
• The 1990 Topps Calvin Schiraldi crapfest that looks like it was shot with an old, broken flip phone.
• Anything from those terrible Comic Ball sets (but especially this one).
• This blindingly pink Griffey card.
• Bo Jackson posing like Punky Brewster while wearing an ace of spades jacket (both sides).
• And this one of Beaver Dick Pole. No, wait, that's the greatest card of all time. Our mistake.

Bob Hamelin, 1996 Pinnacle

Joe Sondrini, 1992 Bowman

Name: Joe Sondrini
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates (or at least he was on his way there)
Position: Infield
Value of card: See that sign? It's yours. Even trade.
Key 1991 stat: 232 days waiting on the side of a country road for the team to pick him up
It's time for a hitchhiking pop quiz:

If Sondrini, a career minor-leaguer, never made it to Pittsburgh, where did he end up?

(A) At the Jerry Seinfeld School of 1990s Fashion
(B) Back home, a relative disappointment
(C) At the Reebok Pumps factory
(D) Nerd-burgh
(E) Nowhere; he's still waiting along that country road
(F) On a mediocre sports card blog
(G) All of the above

Joe Sondrini, 1992 Bowman

Alex Gonzalez, 2006 Upper Deck

Name: Alex Gonzalez
Team: Florida Marlins? Boston Red Sox? It's hard to say
Positions: Shortstop, second-string mascot
Value of card: A patch of crimson fuzz
Key 2005 stat: Stole Mickey Hatcher's glove
Caption that may have run with the above photo in the Boston Globe circa 2006: "Recent Red Sox acquisition Alex Gonzalez has been struggling to acclimate to his new team. Above, during Tuesday's game against the Rays, Gonzalez is seen refusing to wear his Red Sox uniform or a regulation glove while his sister stands at his side, costumed as the shortstop's favorite childhood cartoon character, Mr. Jiggles, the world's fattest parrot."

Alex Gonzalez, 2006 Upper Deck

Mario Mendoza, 1981 Donruss

Name: Mario Mendoza
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Infield
Value of card: Well below .200
Key 1980 stat: .245 batting average (True! Take that, a-hole haters!)
Let's take a look at Mario Mendoza, By the Numbers:

.200: The Mendoza Line, named for Mario Mendoza
.215: Mendoza's career batting average
.015: Batting average points that humanity will never acknowledge

.180: 1975 batting average
.185: 1976 batting average
.198: 1977 batting average
.563: Combined batting average of all three years, if you add them, like Mendoza would when talking to ladies, rather than average them

.200: Baseball's Mendoza Line
200: References to the "Line" that Mendoza hears each week
200: Generations of the Mendoza family who will suffer in shame from the label

Mario Mendoza, 1981 Donruss

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: Coupon for $4.95 off a tuxedo rental at The Men's Wearhouse
Key 1990 stat: 12 balls thrown directly at camera during photo shoot
10 things you didn't know about Nolan Ryan's date to the black-tie-only senior ball:
10) She wore a lovely dress and the same cleats as Ryan.
9) She and Ryan shared their Skoal.
8) She enjoyed dances in Sears portrait studios, so she had a great time.
7) She brought a bat and had to use it at Lookout Point.
6) She was 63, too.
5) Turns out, she couldn't dance well after catching a heater in the ear hole.
4) She stopped Ryan before he got to first base.
3) "She" was a glove with a lot of glove oil.
2) He rode her onto the dance floor on a saddle (and she wore horseshoes).
1) It was Robin Ventura.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Dwight Evans, 1987 Topps Record Breaker

Name: Dwight Evans
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Right field
Value of card: Coffee grounds from the garbage can
Key 1986 stat: Got the worm
Opening Day overachiever: As noted on the above card, Dwight Evans holds the record for the earliest home run in a season, hitting one out on the first pitch of the first game of the year. Here are some other records and achievements that belong to Evans:

• Earliest bulge, season
• Most times called "shotgun," lifetime
• First beer chugged, Roger Clemens' 23rd birthday party
• First person to touch Mookie Wilson's 10th-inning grounder, Game 6 of the '86 World Series
• Caused the most collectors to say, "That deserves a card?" all time

Dwight Evans, 1987 Topps Record Breaker

Salomon Torres, 1992 Bowman

Name: Salomon Torres
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: Pitcher, pitch man
Value of card: 3 ounces of 2-week-old leftover coffee grounds
Key 1991 stat: Zero of his high school sophomore year classes attended
Advertisement (mostly translated) for Dominican Republic beisbols, circa 1991: "Howdy, beisbol fans. I'm 15-year-old Salomon Torres, one of the Dominican Republic's brightest pitching prospects, and I'm here to tell you about beisbols. You might not have ever seen one of these round, white beisbols. We all grew up playing with rocks, rolled-up corn husks or goat feces wrapped in string, but now we have beisbols, the revolutionary invention that will allow us to become even better players in that hellhole to the north, Los Estados Unidos. So put down the dung and grab a beisbol, kid. In two years, with a little bit of 'bols, you might just be the next Salomon Torres."

Salomon Torres, 1992 Bowman

Jim McMahon, 1985 Topps (Football Friday No. 170)

Name: Jim "Ripley" McMahon
Team: Chicago Bears, Nostromo
Position: Quarterback; warrant officer, lieutenant
Value of card: Two green, glowing eggs
Key 1984 stat: 12 times sacked — by a face-hugger
All hail a sci-fi hero for women: She broke through barriers and blasted otherworldly creatures. She befriended cyborgs and helped mother a Newt. She was Ellen Ripley, the protagonist of the "Alien" franchise, and she is pictured above. Ripley was known for her grit as much as her muscles, and her brunette curls became iconic on their own until they were shaved off in "Alien 3." She was a fighter, a leader, a role model for girls everywhere. Her power and tenacity changed how people thought about women. So much so, it wouldn't be alien to see her on a football field.

Jim McMahon, 1985 Topps (Football Friday No. 170)

Ed Kranepool, 1999 Sports Illustrated Greats of the Game

Name: Ed Kranepool
Team: New York Mets
Position: First base
Value of card: One lobster dinner, left in the sun for 11 hours
Key 1974 stat: 14 times dined and dashed
Pop quiz, alfresco: What's the strangest thing about Ed Kranepool's dinner, pictured above?

A) That it appears to come with a side of French toast and a bagel
B) Iced tea with lobster? What is this, amateur hour?
C) That it's taking place at second base, when the card clearly says he plays first
D) What, no melted butter?
E) That he's tearing apart that lobster with hands the size of George "The Animal" Steele's

Ed Kranepool, 1999 Sports Illustrated Greats of the Game

Roger McDowell, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitcher, handyman
Value of card: A scratch from a rusty nail
Key 1992 stat: One bearded sidekick
Tool time: In the fall of 1991, Roger McDowell fell in love. But his love was not for a woman; it was for new ABC sitcom "Home Improvement." McDowell was so enamored with the antics of Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, as played by actor and ex-convict Tim Allen, that the next spring, he came out of the dugout carrying sandpaper, wearing a tool belt and communicating with those around him solely through a series of grunts. Teammates and umpires thought it was strange (the tools, not the grunting      that was nothing new), but since it was an exhibition, McDowell was allowed to keep the belt on. Things got ugly in the sixth when McDowell refused to let reliever Steve Wilson take over for him on the mound unless Wilson covered the lower half of his face with his glove. Wilson, who hadn't seen the sitcom, responded by trying to strangle McDowell with his own tape measure. When McDowell tried to explain that he was The Tool Man, Wilson told him, "Yeah, you're a tool, all right."

Roger McDowell, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Champagne
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, Baltimore-area fleabags
Positions: Shortstop, bitch
Value of card: 12 dead fleas
Key 1992 stat: 22 cars chased (Ripken)
It's time for a man-vs.-beast edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: In need of an ambitious brushing (Winner: Ripken)
Round 2: Had to wear one of those cones around his neck after surgery (Winner: Ripken)
Round 3: Once humped the leg of the Orioles mascot (Winner: Ripken)
Round 4: Caught a case of fleas in his "coat" (Winner: Ripken)
Round 5: Enjoys a good scratch behind his ear (Winner: Ripken)
Round 6: Kicks up legs after going No. 2 (Winner: Ripken)
Round 7: Appears to be wearing a collar in this photo (Winner: Ripken)

Score: Ripken 7, Champagne 0, Ties 0

Synopsis: In this battle of man vs. beast, Ripken completes a shutout win, allowing him to partake in the spoils of victory and sip Champagne. (vomit noises)

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Orel Hershiser, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Orel Hershiser
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: Even trade for a 1990 Sears catalog
Key 1990 stat: 12,981 jokes by teammates about his first name
Conversation between Orel Hershiser and a Topps Stadium Club photographer, circa 1990:
Topps Stadium Club photographer: "Hey, Orel. Nice to meet you."
Orel Hershiser: "Hi! I'm so excited for this shoot."
TSCP: "Apparently. You brought props?"
OH: "Sure did. Can we start?"
TSCP: "Uh, sure. OK, get comfortable."
OH: "How's this look?"
TSCP: "I think you can lose the mortarboard."
OH: "Really? OK, how about this?"
TSCP: "Um, you should take off the cheap robe."
OH: "Bummer. OK, how do I look now?"
TSCP: "No need for a fake diploma, Orel."
OH: "But how will my relatives know I'm graduating high school?"
TSCP: "Orel, buddy. This is a baseball card shoot, not a chance to take high school graduation photos."
OH: "Stop killing my dreams. How does this hand-on-chin pose look?"
TSCP: "That's fine, Orel. That's just fine. Big smile. One, two, three, cheese."
OH: "Cheeeeeessssseeeee!"

Orel Hershiser, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Brian Bosworth, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 7)

Name: Brian Bosworth
Teams: Seattle Seahawks, Cobra Kai
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 12 kicks to the face
Key 1991 stat: 365 days in the year not concentrating on football
Hollywood is a kick: Brian Bosworth was a lot of things, the least of which ended up being a football player. He might have pretended to be a karate expert, but he was a movie "star." His debut film, "Stone Cold," is a cult classic.
Here's a synopsis of Bosworth's action-packed first film: Joe Huff (John Stone) is a tough, go-it-alone cop with a flair for infiltrating biker gangs. The FBI blackmails Huff into working in an undercover investigation to convict some extremely dangerous bikers angry about the capture of their leader.
Here's a synopsis of Bosworth's action-packed above card: Brian Bosworth (yes, John Stone) is a tough, kick-it-alone fake karate champion with a flair for posing for ridiculous tobacco cards. The Upper Deck card company blackmails Bosworth into being a part of an undercover set of cards that showcase some extremely awkward scenes that make collectors angry about the disregard of their standards of taste.

Brian Bosworth, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 7)

Jim Kelly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 6)

Name: Jim Kelly
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 3 ounces of tobacco spit (from 1985)
Key 1985 stat: 3 ounces of tobacco spit put in a bottle and forgotten until 2013
10 bigger douches than Jim Kelly in 1985:
10) Can't think of one.
9) No human equivalent comes to mind.
8) Actually, it's impossible.
7) No chance.
6) Can't happen in this universe.
5) Nonsensical question.
4) C'mon, look at the guy.
3) Nope, not even the esteemed Mr. Douchy von Doucherson.
2) OK, OK, we got one: An actual jumbo size Summer's Eve Douche Fresh Scent box
1) And, yes: The reflection in the mirror when Kelly looks at it.

Jim Kelly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 6)

Don Mattingly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 5)

Name: Don Mattingly
Teams: New York Yankees, East Hampton Sailing Club
Position: First base
Value of card: One used country club napkin
Key 1987 stat: Refused to wear white after Labor Day, even for home games
Places you've seen that sweater before:

• In your step-grandfather's dresser, while snooping for money
• At Goodwill, after your step-grandfather died
• On one of the extras in "Caddyshack"
• At the golf course, worn by some guy who was working on his putts
• On a mustachioed first baseman who was making a foppish entrance into a room
• Considering it was Mattingly's, probably nowhere in October

Don Mattingly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 5)

Bill Walton, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 4)

Name: Bill Walton
Team: Portland Trail Blazers
Position: Center
Value of card: One red beard hair
Key 1975 stat: 365 headbands soiled
It's a mystery: What does ginger giant Bill Walton have in that bag?
A) None of your business, narc
B) Parts for a knee replacement
C) "Whoa, man. Don't ask what's in the bag. Ask what's out of the bag."
D) Patchouli and incense
E) Get a haircut, hippie!

Bill Walton, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 4)

Karl Malone, Dennis Rodman, Hulk Hogan, 2012 Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 3)

Names: Karl Malone, Dennis Rodman, Hulk Hogan
Teams: Utah Jazz, Chicago Bulls, NWO
Positions: Forward, forward, suplex
Value of card: Getting whacked across the back with a metal folding chair
Key 1998 stat: Got oiled up and cavorted in front of thousands
It's time for MatchupMania 2013:

Round 1: More career elbow-drops (Winner: Hogan)
Round 2: More people dropped by elbows (Winner: Malone)
Round 3: Wearing a cap to cover up a bald spot (Winner: Tie between Malone and Hogan)
Round 4: Appeared on a reality TV show (Winner: Tie between Rodman and Hogan)
Round 5: Most macho (Winner: Hogan)
Round 6: Not weighed down by bulky championship belts or rings (Winner: Malone)
Round 7: Rowdiest (Winner: Rodman)
Round 8: Most embarrassed by this whole episode (Winner: Malone)
Round 9: Most familiar with the Iron Sheik's groin (Winner: Hogan)
Round 10: Wore a wedding dress (Winner: Rodman)
Round 11: Wore a tutu (Winner: Hogan)

Final score: Hogan 4, Malone 3, Rodman 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Sure, it was more brutal than Linda Hogan's botoxed face, but the Hulkster finally went top rope on these two wrestling wannabes. The victory isn't really that surprising, though, considering Rodman was probably drunk and Malone never could win much of anything.  

Karl Malone, Dennis Rodman, Hulk Hogan, 2012 Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 3)

Pete Rose, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 2)

Name: Pete Rose
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield/infield/child laborer
Value of card: A 5-year-old's drawing of poop
Key 1977 (maybe) stat: Never actually looked like this
Just stellar work, Upper Deck: What the hell is this? We thought these illustrations were supposed to be life-like. Instead, we've got what appears to be an oil painting made by a sixth-grader of Pete Rose wearing a velour track suit and a gold watch. What, is he Tony Soprano's dimwit underage bodyguard? It seems as though Rose has gnawed off the outer edges of those bat barrels like a beaver and mashed the damp shavings together to create the wig on his head. And is that a baseball glove he's carrying in his other hand? It looks more like some sort of poorly constructed wicker basket. At least the look on Rose's face seems legitimate, although it's more likely that he had that expression of disappointment and constipation after viewing this portrait. Really, excellent job, fellas.

Pete Rose, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 2)

Johnny Bench, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 1)

Name: Johnny Bench
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Burnt polyester
Key 2011 stat: Didn't wear that suit (hopefully)
Welcome to Goodwin Champions Week: Card companies lately have felt the urge to return to their roots, creating sets based on turn-of-the-20th-century tobacco cards. Topps has done it with Allen & Ginter's, and in recent years, Upper Deck has responded with a product called Goodwin Champions. The problem, as you can see above, is that the Goodwin Champions cards tend to feature athletes from all eras looking absolutely ridiculous. All week, we'll be bringing you some of the weirdest this set has had to offer, but first, a surgeon general's warning: Viewing some of these creations may lead to nausea.
Time to get Benched: Here's the good, bad and ugly of this Johnny Bench card.

The good: Brought enough lapel to share with his friends.
The bad: Is that a hairstyle or a family of chinchillas on his scalp?
The ugly: Not only did he shoot the couch to make that suit, he gunned down his best bed linens for that shirt.

Johnny Bench, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 1)

Steve Foster, 1992 Classic

Name: Steve Foster
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: It's in the red
Key 1991 stat: Three Cooper gloves owned; yes, Cooper made three baseball gloves in 1992
Intimidation: "Hey, you there. Look at me. Look into these eyes. That's right. I'm Steve Foster, the incredible staring reliever, and I'm here to haunt your dreams. Think I'll look away? Wrong. Think I'll wear a hat that fits? Wrong. Think I'll sport an awesome mock turtleneck? Right. And don't even think about mocking it. Have I looked away? No chance. I'm peering deep into your eyes, into your soul, into that space in your heart you save for creepy rookie Reds relievers who wear 'all-star' windbreakers despite not making an all-star team since high school. Yeah, I said 'windbreaker,' and I just broke wind. What of it? And, yeah, I'm still looking at you. Gaze upon me, and have a good night. Sweet dreams."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Steve Foster, 1992 Classic

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Names: Dwight "Dr. K" Gooden and Roger, um, "Super K" Clemens
Teams: New York Mets and Boston Red Sox
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: One staged handshake
Key 1986 stat: So, so many illegal substances
Let's get these two disgraced aces into a Matchup:

Round 1: Looking at the camera (Winner: Tie     neither)
Round 2: Bulge (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 3: Future drug-related controversies (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Future loathing from two fan bases (Winner: Super K)
Round 5: Actual nickname used on card (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 6: About to fall asleep (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 7: Better record in the 1986 World Series (Winner: Super K     0-0, compared to Dr. K's 0-2)

Final score: Dr. K 3, Super K 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Clemens seemed doomed from the beginning, considering Fleer just made up a nickname for him on this card. Really, Fleer, you never heard of "The Rocket"? Still, it was a close battle, with Gooden's bulge helping to provide the winning margin. At least Buckner wasn't to blame this time.

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Bernie Kosar, 1988 Topps Mini Super Star (Football Friday No. 169)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A lot of green? No, a splotch of brown
Key 1987 stat: 18 teammates who spent a weekend at Bernie's
Small card, little value: Ah, the mini card. A shining invention of the 1980s sports card boom. Proof that the industry's search for a niche knew no bounds. A testament to the absence of a design aesthetic at Topps and its fellow companies. Here, you have an action shot of Browns quarterback Bernie Kosar, surrounded by a sea of red, on a 3-by-2⅛-inch card with stickers affixed to the back. Are the stickers of Kosar? Sorry. They're of football players, yes, but you'll have to guess who they are because their names aren't included. On the front of the card, however, you have a name — and four stats. Yeah, that should give you a pretty good feel for the player. One thing's for sure: Mini cards had nothing on their cousin, the BIG card.

Bernie Kosar, 1988 Topps Mini Super Star (Football Friday No. 169)

Tim Flannery, 1988 Fleer

Name: Tim Flannery
Teams: San Diego Padres, Sauritch Surfbords
Position: Second base, pitch man
Value of card: 3 ounces of SexWax
Key 1987 stat: 490 waves shredded
Script from Sauritch Surfboards television commercial, circa 1987: "Cowabunga, dudes! This is Tim 'The Flan Man' Flannery here for Sauritch Surfboards, the finest boards straight from SoCal. You want to catch some epic waves and rip it heavy? Grab a Sauritch. You want to totally miss out on wipeouts and never hear, 'Bummer, bro'? Grab a Sauritch. You want to jet through a rip curl and keep it gnarly at all times? Grab a Sauritch, dude. Even if your job is on the diamond, you'll never be a square on a Sauritch. Surf's up, dude. Forget the hanging curveballs; hang 10 on a Sauritch, and be the big Kahuna."

Tim Flannery, 1988 Fleer

Mike Cameron, 1999 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Cameron
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 cents a minute
Key 1998 stat: 14 jewelry-induced neck strains
Conversation between Mike Cameron and an unknown caller, circa 1999: "Hello. Who's this? I can't hear ya. Speak up, son. Speak up. Ya there? I'm here. In the dugout. Just say something. You're right. I need to talk. I have a Gatorade drinking problem. It's true. I lost my uniform and now I think my manager hates me. I'm so sad. So, so sad. I just want to cry sometimes, ya know? It's like I have this huge weight on my shoulders and I can't lift it off. Oh, it feels so good to talk about it. This necklace I'm wearing? It's not real. I tell everyone it's real, but it's not. I got it for 600 tickets at a Chuck E. Cheese's. Man, I love pizza. Mmm, pizza. But seriously, thanks so much for listening. It means a lot. You're always there for me. Hello? Hello? Wait, why did I answer the radar gun?"

Mike Cameron, 1999 Upper Deck

Bill Buckner, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Bill Buckner
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: First base
Value of card: Symbolism
Key 1990 stat: One grudge held against Upper Deck
Time to choose your own adventure: You are Jordan Jackson, card designer for Upper Deck in early 1990. You're currently sorting through a handful of photo possibilities for Royals first baseman Bill Buckner, who has worked hard to move past one of the most infamous errors in baseball history. It's late, and your supervisor (who's kind of a jerk) has long since left the building. Which photo do you choose for Buckner's card?

To go with a solid swing follow-through that gives a good view of Buckner's face, click here.
To select an action-packed baserunning shot of Buckner rounding second, click here.
To choose a photo that features the gaping opening of the tube used to roll up the infield tarp, which just happens to be positioned perfectly between Buckner's legs as he mans first base, and thus reveal that you are actually Mookie Wilson, click here.

Card suggested by Dave Cote

Bill Buckner, 1990 Upper Deck

Greg Blosser, 1992 Bowman

Name: Greg Blosser
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six bottle caps flattened with a steamroller and stuck in asphalt
Key 1991 stat: 46 resumes submitted
10 reasons Greg Blosser didn't get the job at the local cellphone store:
10) He forgot to wear pants to the interview.
9) The interviewer was afraid of invisible facial hair.
8) The diamond on his shirt pocket read, "Bosses are for suckers."
7) He said he would only sell "the Zack Morris special."
6) Two words: mullet intimidation.
5) He shouldn't have submitted a Sears portrait in place of a resume
4) His Arizona jeans collared shirt interfered with cellphone reception.
3) The interviewer didn't like that he partied, even if it was only a party in the back and business in the front.
2) His grandfather interrupted the interview and asked for his tie back.
1) He said he played baseball; the interviewer laughed him out of the room.

Greg Blosser, 1992 Bowman

Butch Wynegar, 1977 Topps

Name: Butch Wynegar
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two gold cups (actually, reproductions of them on a worthless baseball card)
Key 1976 stat: 12 marbles won during elementary school recess
It's time to ask: What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Wynegar's mother called him "Harold": 93%
Wynegar started using the nickname "Butch" to sound more like a big-leaguer: 95%
Wynegar's charade was exposed by the signature on this card: 100%

What are the chances ...
Wynegar was drafted straight out of high school by the Twins: 90%
Wynegar was younger than 18 when he first played for the Twins: 92%
Wynegar had to study his sixth-grade multiplication tables after this photo shoot for the Twins: 94%

What are the chances ...
Wynegar inspired thousands with his babyface looks: 8%
Wynegar inspired hundreds of gingers with his orangish-red locks: 12%
Wynegar inspired fewer fans than were in the stands in this card: 98%

Butch Wynegar, 1977 Topps

Greg Myers, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Greg Myers
Team: California Angels
Position: Catcher
Value of card: It's worth ... LOOK OUT!
Key 1992 stat: 47 tosses of ... DUCK!
It's time for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Orange County Register in 1993: "California Angels catcher and mustache idol Greg Myers, center, demonstrates why it's not wise to replace your pine tar with Crisco even if you do use the all-vegetable shortening as gel for your unruly mullet — which, he says, the Southern California ladies love — because your bat could fly into the stands in a game against the Oakland A's and ricochet off a 3-year-old girl, a Republican National Committee fundraiser and an Armenian immigrant, turning at least one of them into an angel of the religious variety on Wednesday in Anaheim, Calif."

Greg Myers, 1993 Upper Deck

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 168)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Exposed wiring
Key 1992 stat: Watched "RoboCop" 281 times
10 things Dan Marino could have won had he worn a metallic exoskeleton with large, black nipples:
10) The Cold War
9) A bigger part in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
8) A better costume in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
7) The hearts of millions of ladies
6) The science fair
5) The Mr. American Nipples Pageant, at least four times
4) His regular Tuesday-night poker game
3) The Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes
2) BattleBots
1) The Super Bowl

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 168)

Alex Gonzalez, 1992 Bowman

Name: Alex Gonzalez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 10 of those shirt collar "stays" you're always losing
Key 1991 stat: 44 "Saved by the Bell" episodes watched
It's time for a 1990s-licious pop quiz:

Why did teenager Alex Gonzalez wear that tie?

(A) His mom told him to.
(B) To distract people from his shirt.
(C) It was Sears catalog photo shoot day.
(D) He wanted to prove his patriotism with something brighter than fireworks.
(E) He had an uproarious sense of humor.
(F) All of the above

Alex Gonzalez, 1992 Bowman