Baseball Card Bust: November 2014

11.30.2014

Christian Okoye, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 61)

Name: Christian Okoye
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Running back
Value of card: One red cent
Key 1991 stat: Drank 25 cases of Killian's Irish Red
Time for a pop quiz about the Nigerian Nightmare: So, what's with all the red?

A) Okoye's apartment was directly across the street from a Kenny Rogers Roasters.
B) That's just Okoye's darkroom. He was really into photography of his biceps.
C) Due to poor contract negotiations, Okoye was forced to work in Amsterdam's Red Light District during the offseason.
D) Okoye's contract was fine he just dug working in the Red Light District.
E) None of the above.

11.29.2014

Jeff Bagwell, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Name: Jeff Bagwell
Team: Houston Astros
Position: First base
Value of card: 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... zero
Key 1994 stat: 96 astronauts offended
Here's a literal interpretation of the above masterpiece: Here we see Jeff Bagwell, in all his power-hitting glory, swinging as if to launch a rocket into outer space. The twist? He's hitting an actual rocket, full of tiny astronauts, carrying with it supplies for the International Space Station and the hopes and aspirations of an entire nation. The shuttle, apparently, malfunctioned, and only the mighty Bagwell could set it back on its course for great beyond, on a course for outer space — a true moonshot.

11.28.2014

Pete Gogolak, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 218)

Name: Pete Gogolak
Team: New York Giants
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 9 ounces of pond scum
Key 1970 stat: 17 field goals by that little dude in the corner
It's time for a pop quiz that's a kick:

Just what in the hell is a "Gogolak"?

(A) A lack of go-go.
(B) A caucasian kicker with a Hollywood smile.
(C) A hairdo you might not want to show off in public.
(D) A tiny, illustrated football player with no face mask and a bad attitude.
(E) None of the above.

11.27.2014

John Henry Johnson, 1982 Topps

Name: John Henry Johnson
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 used hair curlers
Key 1981 stat: 185 hours spent in the salon
It's time for a hair-raising pop quiz:

What was the name for John Henry Johnson's hairdo?

(A) The Short-and-Curlies
(B) Curly Sue 'Do
(C) The Moe, Larry and John Henry
(D) Firm Perm That Will Make You Squirm
(E) All of the above

11.26.2014

Rick Jones, 1977 Topps

Name: Rick Jones
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 chewed, broken pencils with no lead
Key 1976 stat: 11 fish caught at Pike Place Market
Quite the portrait: Um, Topps, what the hell is going on here? We have a normal-looking pitcher with a more-than-normal name with an odd tuft of chest hair. All in all, a pretty standard card — one you normally wouldn't find on The Bust. But then there's the small issue of this card being some kind of an illustration. An illustration? What is this, a precursor to the Diamond King? Some crazy printing error? A joke played on collectors? Or is it a curious solution to the Mariners coming into existence in 1977? In truth, it's all four. Excellent work, Topps!

11.25.2014

Greg Luzinski, 1985 Topps

Name: Greg Luzinski
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated ~~brute~~ hitter
Value of card: We're thinking at least a few hundred bucks
Key 1984 stat: 65 bears wrestled
Welcome back, Mr. Luzinski: It's a fact known to only a few people (because we only have a few readers): Greg Luzinski, the bearded wonder who clubbed home runs for the Chicago White Sox in the mid-1980s, was the first Baseball Card Bust subject. We called him the Kodiak Brute, saying he "spent his formative years wrestling brown bears and chewing on tree trunks." Looking back five years, we couldn't have been more correct. When Luzinski saw a hive teeming with bees, he'd stick his face in it to slurp down the honey. When he'd take a dip in a river of raging rapids, he catch his salmon lunch in his teeth. When he'd have to go, you guessed it, he'd go in the woods. We salute you, Greg "The Kodiak Brute" Luzinski. You're the perfect ambassador for such a prestigious blog.

11.24.2014

Magglio Ordonez, 2005 Topps

Name: Magglio Ordonez
Team: Detroit Tigers®
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 ounces of Tiger Balm
Key 2004 stat: 215 long, long nights spent in Detroit
It's time for The Caption, which we're sure didn't run in the Detroit Free Press in 2005: "Magglio Ordonez, center, participates in a line-dancing routine in the middle of Grand Circus Park in downtown Detroit instead of showing up at Comerica Park for a Tigers game against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim while wearing a mock turtleneck and getting mocked because his sweeps and turns weren't in lockstep with the senior citizens who organized the line-dancing event that Ordonez crashed Tuesday in Detroit."

11.23.2014

John Elway, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 60)

Name: John Elway
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One free spin class
Key 1992 stat: Two creamy thighs
Here's what John Elway stands for:

Join a gym already, buddy
Oh, and maybe get a tan, too?
How many plants do you have in that "exercise room" anyway?
Nowadays, they grow different vegetation in Colorado, amirite?

Exercise cycle from the '90s or arcade version of "Excite Bike"?
Little blue tiles are easier to look at than those little blue shorts
Wearing a shirt with your name on it is the move of a champion
Always a fan of the mini-mullet
Yes, Elway still rides that same bike to this very day

11.22.2014

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1985 Topps

Name: Johnny Wockenfuss
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher, first base, outfield
Value of card: Not enough to make a fuss about
Key 1985 stat: One run
Spruce up your vocabulary: What is the etymology of the word "Wockenfuss"?

(A) It's a German term for a face that has been misshapen by a catcher's mask.
(B) It's from the Dutch for a Just for Men Mustache & Beard model.
(C) It's an Albanian word that describes someone who can pound an entire case of Spam.
(D) It's Philly slang for a washed-up ballplayer.
(E) All of the above.

11.21.2014

Mark Chmura, 1998 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 217)

Name: Mark Chmura
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Tight end
Value of card: Sorry, it went up in smoke
Key 1998 stat: More forearm hair than an orangutan
It's a pop quiz on the frozen tundra: What the heck did Mark Chmura eat?

(A) Dry ice
(B) A bushel of bhut jolokias
(C) One of those foam cheeseheads, covered in Tabasco
(D) The vowel that's supposed to be the third letter of his surname
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

11.20.2014

Kevin Mmahat, 1990 CMC

Name: Kevin Mmahat
Team: Columbus Clippers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Mmm, nada
Key 1989 stat: Mmm, still searching
New York Yankees' scouting report on prospect Kevin Mmhat: "Mmm, can't quite figure it out, but there's something about that name I like. ... With that many M's in his last name, maybe he has a few K's in that arm. ... Has a 'hat' in his last name and we wear hats. It's a match! ... According to his glove, his nickname is 'Hat.' So creative. Sounds like a Yankee to me. ... Wait, how the hell do you pronounce this? Ma-hat. Em-em-hat. Ems-hat. Em-ma-hat. Screw it, let's keep him in the minors."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

11.19.2014

Don Buchheister, 1979 TCMA

Name: Don Buchheister
Team: Cedar Rapids Giants
Position: General manager
Value of card: He'll trade ya for it
Key 1978 stat: 17 trades made (for worthless baseball cards)
Here are some of the moves made by Cedar Rapids Giants executive Don Buchheister:

Traded a third baseman and a right-handed middle reliever for a pastrami on rye.
Offered a lucrative free agent contract to Sid Limpis of Sid's Stupendous Straw Hats on West 65th Street.
Scouted Single A and promoted a pitching machine.
Tried to fire a manager — from the local Long John Silver's

11.18.2014

Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr., 1989 Bowman

Names: Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr.
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: Second base, coach, catcher
Value of card: Two ants crawling on an old tube-style TV that was left by the side of the road
Key 1988 stat: Lots of brown clothes
"TV Guide" summary of a 1989 episode of the lowly regarded show "All Those Alomars": "Robby and Sandy Sr. pressure Junior to grow a mustache so he can be like them. Junior refuses and proceeds to shave his whole body in defiance. Robby and his dad argue over who plays second base better, and hijinks ensue. Junior squats a lot. The Griffeys make a guest appearance."

11.17.2014

Deion Sanders, 1998 Score

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's in the red
Key 1997 stat: 72 hours spent fake stretching
It's time for a "Prime Time" pop quiz:

What's the biggest stretch on this card?

(A) Those shades.
(B) Deion's attempt at a pregame work ethic.
(C) Deion as a baseball player.
(D) That dude in the back right clearly doing whatever he can to make a mockery of this card.
(E) All of the above.

11.16.2014

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

Name: Mike Ditka
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Coach
Value of card: $1 off the blue-plate special
Key 1992 stat: 14 pounds of sauerkraut consumed
It's time to steady your stomachs for another Bust recipe: Ditka's is an actual chain of restaurants owned by the actual Mike Ditka. It's got a pretty good reputation, but thankfully no longer serves the Big Tuna Salad Sandwich, pictured above and named after fellow coaching legend Bill Parcells. Here's how you, too, can try that dish:

2 cans of tuna in oil
2 cans of tuna in water
1 tuna steak
1 spicy tuna roll
1 pair of Bill Parcells' dirty boxers
1 picture of Al Toon
4 pounds of mayonnaise
2 slices of white toast
4 ounces of grass from your yard

Make a salad from the grass don't worry; if you want this dish, odds are you don't eat salad anyway. Then mix all the other ingredients in a large bowl. Pour the mixture into a large skillet, then throw away the bowl. Cook over low heat for 3 hours or until the mayonnaise becomes pungent. Serve on toast, incinerate the excess and throw away the skillet. Enjoy!

Slick, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 7)

Name: Slick
From: Fort Worth, Texas
Signature move: Using his cane as a weapon
Value of card: A feather not the one in his hat, one that has been on the ground for a week
Key 1990 stat: By far the best-dressed man at any WWF event
A man of all parts: Kenneth "Slick" Johnson has played many roles in his life pro wrestling manager, haberdasher, doctor (of style), sunglasses model, international playboy, and reverend. But perhaps his brightest moment came in 1987, when he was featured on the multiplatinum "Piledriver: The Wrestling Album 2" with his hit "Jive Soul Bro." What better way to wrap up Pro Wrestling Week than with a song? Take it away, Slick.

11.15.2014

Gorilla Monsoon, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 6)

Name: Gorilla Monsoon
From: Manchuria
Signature moves: Airplane Spin, announcing other wrestlers' signature moves
Value of card: One DVD copy of "Gorillas in the Mist" with a big scratch on it
Key 1990 stat: Surprisingly, afraid of both apes and summer thunderstorms
Clearing up some rumors about Gorilla Monsoon:

Gorilla Monsoon did not work part-time as a strip club doorman. But he did know the doorman by name.
Gorilla Monsoon did not dye his hair. He just slept better when his head was covered in motor oil.
Gorilla Monsoon is not the first person in history to make a red tuxedo look good. Nobody has made a red tuxedo look good.
Gorilla Monsoon was, in fact, a pro wrestler before becoming the WWF's play-by-play announcer. So he was used to looking this ridiculous.
Gorilla Monsoon was not his real name, of course. His real name was Gorilla Haboob.

11.14.2014

"Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 5)

Name: "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase
From: Palm Beach, Fla.
Signature move: Million Dollar Dream
Value of card: Every card has a price (this one is just really, really low)
Key 1989 stat: Zero real gems or gold on that belt
Some of the things that money, apparently, couldn't buy:

A tuxedo not made of school supplies
A proper BeDazzler
A real championship belt
A decent hair dye job
The realization that, these days, a million dollars really isn't that much money, especially if all of an individual's assets are assessed
Dignity

11.13.2014

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Name: "Ravishing" Rick Rude
From: Robbinsdale, Minn.
Signature move: Rude Awakening
Value of card: 2 sticks of lipstick
Key 1989 stat: 1,118 women seduced
Top 10 reasons that women thought Rick Rude was so "ravishing":
10) More butt crack shots on cable TV than anyone on any show in the 1980s.
9) His 10-pack stomach.
8) The prematch strip tease couldn't have hurt.
7) The ladies were just using him to get to Bobby Heenan.
6) He patented the "bedroom suplex."
5) Chicks dig rude dudes.
4) Veins bulging larger than most men's muscles.
3) A 'stache that would make Tom Selleck jealous.
2) A mullet mane that would make a lion jealous.
1) Airbrushed paintings of himself on his package.

11.12.2014

Jake "The Snake" Roberts, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 3)

Name: Jake "The Snake" Roberts
From: Gainesville, Texas
Signature moves: DDT; bringing Damien the snake to the ring
Value of card: 6 ounces of bones and hair regurgitated after feeding
Key 1989 stat: 12 snakes brought onto this (expletive) plane
Some reptile facts you might not know about Jake "The Snake":

He cries crocodile tears.
He wore neon pink Gecko T-shirts deep into the 1990s.
In middle school, he volunteered to be a hallway monitor. He was disappointed when he realized it wasn't the scaly kind.
When Hulk Hogan talked about his 24-inch pythons, Roberts cried a little inside.
He drove a Dodge Viper (rented for one night and crashed).
For a short period he was known as Jake "The Gopher Snake" Roberts, and then he saw "Caddyshack."

11.11.2014

Big Boss Man, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 2)

Name: Big Boss Man
From: Cobb County, Ga.
Signature move: Boss Man Slam
Value of card: Being tasered in the face
Key 1990 stat: Probably did some bossing
Crimes that Big Boss Man was accused of during his pro wrestling career:

Impersonating a police officer
Impersonating an athlete
Grand theft doughnut
Assault with a deadly flat-top
Thankfully, not indecent exposure

11.10.2014

Virgil, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 1)

Name: Virgil
From: Pittsburgh, Pa.
Signature move: Million Dollar Dream
Value of card: One sleeve
Key 1990 stat: Biceps twice as big as head
Down for the count: The Bust is primarily a bad baseball card site (and a site for bad baseball cards), but we have occasionally featured other sports. Soccer, hockey, tennis and even rowing have made appearances over the years. So has wrestling just not the kind that offers monthly pay-per-view specials for $44.95. This week, we're righting that wrong and digging up some of the finest superstars the then-WWF had to offer in 1990. Good God almighty!

It's a pop quiz smackdown: Which of these descriptions best fits the man on the above card?

(A) Virgil was a Chippendale dancer who never heeded management's advice that he should shave his arms.
(B) Virgil was an ancient Roman poet whose greatest works included the epic "Aeneid."
(C) Virgil served as a bodyguard for Ted "The Million Dollar Man" DiBiase, and was later known as Vincent and, somehow, Curly Bill.
(D) Virgil is the loneliest man on the Internet.
(E) All of the above.

11.09.2014

Gary Clark, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 58)

Name: Gary Clark
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: A reflection of a nickel
Key 1992 stat: Two floating heads
A shameful pop quiz: What is Gary Clark thinking about?

A) That Lionel Richie song
B) What he and his identical twin did to end up in jail
C) Touchdowns, baby. Touchdowns.
D) Why John Riggins won't stop wearing that racist headdress
E) All of the above

11.08.2014

Mike Tyson, 1981 Fleer

Name: Mike Tyson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Positions: Second base, slouching
Value of card: A piece of an ear
Key 1981 stat: One intentional walk
More fun facts about baseball's Mike Tyson and "Iron" Mike Tyson:

Iron Mike was the star of "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out." You didn't need to be a star to punch out baseball Mike at the plate.
Iron Mike's bicep measured 16 inches. Baseball Mike's boiler was more than triple that.
In his free time, Iron Mike likes to care for pigeons. Baseball Mike's only friend growing up was a yellow parakeet named Butter.
Iron Mike has a tattoo on his face. Baseball Mike appears to have a marmoset on his face in the above photo.
Iron Mike once said he wanted to eat an opponent's children. Baseball Mike once ate four boxes of Sour Patch Kids in one sitting.
Iron Mike starred in a short-lived reality series on Animal Planet called "Taking on Tyson." Baseball Mike watched a couple of episodes on his couch.

11.07.2014

Brett Smith, 2014 Sage Hit Autographs (Football Friday No. 216)

Name: Brett Smith
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 3 ounces of urine
Key 2013 stat: 47 better T-shirt options
Some of the sayings on rookie quarterback Brett Smith's other T-shirts:

Crap Thunder
Sweat Profusely
Chafe Class
Vomit Virtue
Pee-Pee Maturity

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

11.06.2014

Bake McBride, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bake McBride
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 baked cookies (stale)
Key 1980 stat: Zero times using an oven
A new inductee: We want to welcome Bake McBride to the Name Hall of Fame. It's quite an honor to be included among the likes of Charles Assmann, Dick Pole and Chet Lemon. Sure, McBride's name isn't an easy dick-and-fart joke and, sure, thousands of kids didn't make their own fun cards by erasing his face and drawing a giant fruit head, but you can't deny the awesomeness of a guy with an afro and a dirty beard who looks baked and is named Bake. This Name Hall of Famer would make a fine McBride for any Assmann out there.

11.05.2014

Nino Espinosa, 1979 O-Pee-Chee

Name: Nino Espinosa
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 cents Canadian
Key 1978 stat: 2 trips to Canada (Expos series)
Nino Espinosa's train of thought from 12:44 to 12:45 p.m. September 17, 1978: "Man, Nino is looking good. I spent 45 minutes on my 'fro today, and another 10 minutes getting my hat to sit right, but it was worth it. When you're a big shot, like Nino, you have to look the part. Got my jersey buttoned up just right. Got my sleeves on and my mustache manicured. Nino's 'fro is glistening. Man, I'm so excited to be on a Topps card. Wait, what did the photographer say? This is a Canadian O-Pee-Chee card? What? All that primpin' and no American pimpin'? Nino got to call Nino's agent."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

11.04.2014

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers (Yeah, we get it.)
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 cow patties
Key 1990 stat: 12 bucking broncos hogtied (or something)
It's time for a pop quiz deep in the heart of Texas:

What exactly is the "Texas Cowboy Life"?

(A) It's like the "Dallas Cowboy Life," only more successful and less comical.
(B) You hang out on a ranch and every so often punch a rookie in the head a half-dozen times.
(C) You pose for a ridiculous set of baseball cards for a company trying to stave off bankruptcy.
(D) Two words: assless chaps.
(E) All of the above.

11.03.2014

Bill Buckner, 1987 Donruss

Name: Bill Buckner
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Priceless for Mets fans
Key 1986 stat: 1 error; heard about it?
Here's what Bill Buckner stands for:

Boston, give the guy a break.
It's time we moved past 1986.
Leave him alone, for the love of god.
Let's remember him for more than just one play, folks.

Bro, it's getting old.
Under that cap is a sensitive soul in need of forgiveness.
Can't we see this player for the man he was?
Kind, gentle, compassionate, eyebrowed.
Never forget: The mustache makes the man.
Error aside, that chest hair is the real flub.
Ripping on his assortment of different kinds of hair, instead of the error, is doing the man a service.

11.02.2014

David Klingler, 1992 Pro Lin Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 57)

Name: David Klingler
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Positions: Quarterback, farmhand
Value of card: 14 blisters on your foot
Key 1992 stat: Earned every bit of that Bust trophy up there in the corner
Ten unfortunate things that happened to David Klingler during this photo shoot:

10) Lighting guy forgot most of his equipment
9) Sacked by a tractor
8) Forced to wear that jacket
7) Cut his hand on his belt buckle
6) Threw an interception to an actual cowboy
5) Threw an interception to a scarecrow
4) Threw an interception to a very dexterous steer
3) Got called "Corporal Klinger" a lot
2) Got grease stains on his new Wranglers
1) His shoot directly followed Boomer Esiason's

11.01.2014

Chuck Mount, 1991 Impel Line-Drive Pre-Rookies

Name: Chuck Mount
Team: Iowa Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Mount it on the wall, still worthless
Key 1990 stat: 11 mountains summited
Cubs' scouting report on minor league prospect Chuck Mount: "Forget his pitching; I just want to hang out with this guy. ... What are the chances he uses his name as part of a pickup line with the ladies? ... Big-league butt chin. Definitely. ... Iowa Cubs. Chicago Cubs. What's the difference? Just bring him up. ... Just to ensure it's clear why we like him: His first name is a synonym for hamburger and his last name is something I try to do to my wife three times a year."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak