Baseball Card Bust: January 2015

1.31.2015

Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Greg Anthony
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The dictionary page with the word "bust" on it, torn out
Key 1991 stat: Always tried to blend into the background
San Diego Padres scouting report on draft pick Greg Anthony: "He's got three solid pitches by which we mean we need to limit his pitch count to three. ... He's very insistent that we change our uniforms to paisley. ... Plus-plus ability to pose in front of trees. ... Almost strangled himself with his own necklace a couple of times. ... Eats Vienna sausages by the case. ... It's always risky drafting a two-sport star, but he could pay off. Wait, this is UNLV's Greg Anthony, right? No? That's it, I resign."

1.30.2015

Al Davis, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Football Friday No. 225)

Name: Al Davis
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Owner
Value of card: One black hole
Key 1992 stat: Just won seven games, baby
Good ol' Al: Al Davis was definitely proud of his three Super Bowl victories. Here are a few other things he was proud of.

His all-white wardrobe
Sunglasses with chains on them
His chicken-skin
JaMarcus
A commitment to excellence*

*Expired in 2002

1.29.2015

Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Name: Dwight Bernard
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The clump of hair clogging your shower drain
Key 1982 stat: One side of beard an inch longer than the other
Brewing up a pop quiz: Why is Dwight so unhappy?

A) The team told him he had to start bathing
B) The team told him he had to evict the family of sparrows living in his hair
C) The team told him he had to get bigger glasses
D) The team told him he had to wear baby blue both on and off the field
E) The team told him he could do whatever he wanted because he was no longer on the team

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

1.28.2015

Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Name: Willie Upshaw
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Hitting coach
Value of card: Something sticky on your shoes
Key 1996 stat: 841 candy bars eaten
Fun facts about Willie Upshaw and candy bars:

Candy bars always sound good, but are bad for you in the long run. Willie Upshaw never really sounded good and was definitely bad in the long run.
Some candy bars come in a "king size" variety. Willie Upshaw had king-size eyeglasses.
Some candy bars are advertised as being light and fluffy. Willie Upshaw's mustache was the opposite of that.
If you leave a candy bar in your pocket, it will get too warm and melt. Willie Upshaw would still eat that candy bar.
Candy bars sometimes contain nuts. You had to have been nuts to make Willie Upshaw your hitting coach.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

1.27.2015

Trey Beamon, 1996 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Name: Trey Beamon
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One-third of a Chuck E. Cheese token
Key 1995 stat: Beat your high score on "Daytona USA"
It's The Caption, which might have (but didn't) run in the Pittsbugh Post-Gazette around 1996: "Pirates rookie Trey Beamon plays a racing game at a local video arcade Tuesday. It was a welcome change of pace for Beamon, who has been playing nothing but 'Punch-Out' at the plate so far this season."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

1.26.2015

Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Name: Pablo Torrealba
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Pit stench
Key 1978 stat: Zero forearms exposed
Oh, good lord: What are those things coming out of Pablo's nose?

A) More lapels
B) Black mollies
C) Mold spores
D) Newborn kittens
E) A mustache that somehow is less hideous than the uniform

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

1.25.2015

Ricky Ervins, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 69)

Name: Ricky Ervins
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Running back
Value of card: See that bracelet? Even less than that
Key 1992 stat: One fine for indecent exposure at the neighborhood park
Black belt in awkwardness: Here are a few martial arts that Ricky Ervins enjoyed.

Topless taekowndo
Kitless krav maga
Unclothed karate
Au naturel aikido
Manflesh muay thai
Nude-o judo

1.24.2015

Luis Mercedes, 1992 Star

Name: Luis Mercedes
Team: Frederick Keys (Orioles affiliate)
Position: Second base
Value of card: Absolutely nothing
Key 1991 stat: Rated best-bunting second baseman who also shared a name with a car
Start your engines: In 1992, the Keys were hoping Luis Mercedes could help them Ford their way to a title with his Jaguar-like speed and Ram-like power. Alas, Luis's average was Mini and his strikeout rate rocketed toward Infiniti. Quickly, Orioles management opted to Dodge a bullet and made the Smart decision, saying Tata to Luis in what was truly a Saab story.

1.23.2015

Pat Woodcock, 2004 Jogo CFL (Football Friday No. 224)

Name: Pat Woodcock
Team: Ottawa Renegades
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1,000 giggles
Key 2004 stat: Wore a shirt that said "Woodcock" to work
Do not pass Go, do not collect $200: Congratulations, Pat Woodcock, on your first-ballot, unanimous Bust Name Hall of Fame ~~erection~~ election. Only the best, such as Rusty Kuntz, Dick Pole and Steve Sharts, have achieved this honor so quickly but there's no doubt that Woodcock stands up to the test.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

1.22.2015

Mickey Hatcher, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Mickey Hatcher
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Zero new ideas
Key 1990 stat: 13 RBI
We've been here before: In 1991, Upper Deck was still a new brand, full of fresh ideas and energy. That was, until this card got produced. Oh, gee, Mickey Hatcher with a giant glove. How original! Why not go all out and get Glenn Hubbard to pose with a python, ask Jay Johnstone to put on his umbrella hat, and get Jose Canseco to take his shirt off? Yep, this was the moment Upper Deck moved to the cheap seats.

1.21.2015

Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss

Name: Doug Frobel
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 25 cents off a cup of froyo
Key 1983 stat: Bathed twice
People who Doug Frobel got mistaken for:

Gilligan
Frederich Frobel, the inventor of kindergarten
A promising baseball prospect
Boyfriend material
Jim Morrison. No, not that one, this one.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

1.20.2015

Ozzie Canseco, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ozzie Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A replica penny
Key 1990 stat: One walk
Ways in which people could determine Ozzie from his twin brother Jose:

Ozzie was the smart one
Jose was the one with the back-ne
Ozzie was the one who showered
Jose was the one who thought Big Mac actually owned McDonald's
Ozzie was the one in the minors
Jose was the one who shot off his own finger

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

1.19.2015

Eric Show, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Eric Show
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One used G string
Key 1990 stat: Mastered the art of seduction
Music and mullets: Major League hurler Eric Show also knew his way around a guitar. Here are a few songs he penned.

"White Pants Blues"
"Hammock of Love"
"That Old Curly Mullet Magic"
"Those Aren't Blood Stains on My Patio"
"Check Out My Big-Bodied, Long-Necked Beauty and My Guitar"

Card submitted by Brian Blaine

1.18.2015

Dale Carter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 68)

Name: Dale Carter
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: A soggy receipt from Taco Bell
Key 1992 stat: 1,503 gallons of water wasted
First towel off, then take this pop quiz: What the heck is Dale Carter doing?

A) Practicing waterboarding so he can work for the CIA after his football days are over
B) Always shy of showering in the locker room, this is how Dale bathed at Arrowhead
C) Washing out his eyes after a particularly bad rookie hazing stunt
D) Having a drinking problem
E) All of the above

1.17.2015

Rod Beck, 1995 Score

Name: Rod Beck
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Closer
Value of card: Four used diapers
Key 1994 stat: 41 infants frightened
It's a man-child Matchup:

Round 1: Smells like they could use a change (Winner: Tie    both)
Round 2: Suffers from diaper rash (Winner: Tie    both)
Round 3: Fussy when tired (Winner: Tie    both)
Round 4: Prefers to sleep in a onesie (Winner: Tie    both)
Round 5: Sometimes vomits after eating (Winner: Tie    both)
Round 6: Often wants the bottle (Winner: Tie    both)
Round 7: Cries in the middle of the night (Winner: Tie    both)
Round 8: Chubby little arms and legs (Winner: Tie    both)
Round 9: Mustache (Winner: Beck)

Final score: Beck 1, baby 0 (Ties: 8)

Synopsis: As usual, Rod Beck took it right down to the wire before shutting down the opposition. Both participants celebrated by tucking something into their lips    a binky for the tot; a chew for the closer.

1.16.2015

Deion Sanders, 1993 Skybox Premium (Football Friday No. 223)

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: It's slightly exaggerated
Key 1993 stat: Crapped bigger than a city bus
Ways in which Deionzilla destroyed Atlanta:

Caused a massive dust storm by running so fast
Crushed 14 skyscrapers by high-stepping
Flooded entire city blocks with his hair product
Started four-alarm fires by reflecting the sun's rays off his necklaces
Drove thousands to insanity with his incessant talk (OK, regular Deion did that, too.)

1.15.2015

Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: juan GONZALEZ
Team: texas RANGERS
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Anger hotter than the fire of a thousand suns
Key 1994 stat: No love lost
It's a collector's choice pop quiz: What did Reggie Jackson say to torque off Juan Gone?

A) Reggie asked why Juan put so much eye black on his lip.
B) Reggie asked if Juan realized that there would be photographers around.
C) Reggie told Juan he had a nice swing and then asked if Juan's husband played.
D) Mr. October said Juan reminded him of Miss November.
E) None of the above. Juan just didn't like anybody.

1.14.2015

Cal McLish, 1961 Topps

Name: Cal McLish
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's hard to see any value here
Key 1960 stat: 519 times walking into a wall
Wait a minute: One of two things is going on here. Either the genius Topps photo editor chose the worst possible photo of Cal McLish for the 1961 set or Cal McLish's eyelids were constantly dragged downward by the gravitational field caused by his massive chin. Hmm, considering Topps' sterling reputation for quality, it's gotta be the chin, right?

1.13.2015

Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Name: Ron Davis
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Less than the VHS tapes at Goodwill
Key 1986 stat: Ate his weight in deep-dish pizza
Here's what Ron Davis stands for:

Really had us fooled with the airbrushing, there, Topps
Open-mouth stare is a good look for a baseball card photo
Nice 8.59 ERA in '86, Ronnie

Dealt twice in two years...
A player to be named later? That was Mr. Davis
Visually, this card is the equivalent of a yawn
Is it so difficult to find a barber in the Midwest?
Stats like his truly belonged with the Cubs

Card submitted by Davey Meyer

1.12.2015

Ken Griffey Jr., 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Names: Ken Griffey Jr. and random grandma
Teams: Seattle Mariners, Team Upper Deck
Positions: Outfield, grandma
Value of card: Back in her day, this card would have cost about what it's worth now
Key 1994 stat: One meal on wheels
Let's go to Seattle for a cross-generational Matchup:

Round 1: Looks better in a hat (Winner: Griffey)
Round 2: Makes a better apple crumble (Winner: Grandma)
Round 3: Smells more like mothballs (Winner: Grandma)
Round 4: Weeks away from an debilitating injury (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: More apt to swat a baseball (Winner: Griffey)
Round 6: More apt to swat a behind (Winner: Grandma)
Round 7: Cringing slightly from unwanted physical contact (Winner: Grandma)

Final score: Grandma 4, Griffey 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Grandma took The Kid to the woodshed in this Matchup, but she'll still make him that apple crumble. Thanks, Grandma!

Card submitted by John Stoddert

1.11.2015

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 67)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Splinters
Key 1992 stat: Five times had to call the fire department to get him out of a tree
Fun facts about Bernie Kosar and trees:

Trees are made of wood. Judging from the way he moved around the pocket, so was Kosar.
A large tree, such as a mature oak, can use 110 gallons of water a day. Kosar, never mature enough to turn down a challenge, once chugged an equal amount of Stroh's in a day.
Some trees, such as oaks, create seeds that fall to the ground. That's where most of Kosar's passes fell, as well.
Trees are planted in soil. On game days, Kosar was also often planted in soil by the D-line.
In the fall, many trees' leaves turn vibrant colors, such as red, orange and yellow. Kosar's shirt still put those trees to shame.

Dean McAmmond, 1998-99 Upper Deck Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 7)

Name: Dean McAmmond
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Position: Left wing
Value of card: Deer crap
Key 1998-99 stat: 14 citations from the Canada Fish and Wildlife Department
Oh deer: Always a loner and an oddball, Dean McAmmond would spend his time away from the rink attempting to find acceptance within a herd of deer. He would start by tracking the animals on his snowmobile, and would slowly gain their trust until he could hand-feed them. McAmmond would rummage for grass under the snowpack and would attempt to protect the young from wolves. His adventure ended swiftly, though, after he was gored in the arm by antlers while fighting a rival buck for mating rights.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

1.10.2015

Anders Hedberg, 1977-78 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hocke Week No. 6)

Name: Anders Hedberg
Team: Winnipeg Jets
Position: Right wing
Value of card: One boarding pass from 2012
Key 1977-78 stat: Gave everyone the willies
Fill your intermission with this pop quiz: Who didn't Anders Hedberg frighten with his "smile"?

A) His own mother
B) Satan
C) Charles Manson
D) Thomas Lewis
E) None of the above everybody was creeped out by Anders Hedberg

1.09.2015

Jason Arnott, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be A Player (Another Hockey Week No. 5)

Name: Jason Arnott
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Position: Center
Value of card: 2-for-1 fun pass to World Waterpark
Key 1994-95 stat: Didn't do much oiling
It's The Caption, which never ran in the Edmonton Journal circa January 1995: "Oilers center Jason Arnott rides a water slide at World Waterpark on Tuesday in Edmonton, despite the sub-freezing temperatures and the park being closed. After his joyride, Arnott was treated at a local hospital for hypothermia and later cited for trespassing and urinating in the pool, which Arnott said he only did in an effort to stay warm."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

1.08.2015

Glen Hanlon, 1987-88 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hockey Week No. 4)

Name: Glen Hanlon
Team: Detroit Red Wings
Position: Goalie
Value of card: Even less than Detroit real estate
Key 1987-88 stat: Always had warm hands, for some reason
Get a grip: Here are a few reasons why Glen Hanlon had a successful NHL career.

He could easily grasp what the other team was trying to do.
He adjusted well to game situations.
He knew how to hold opponents scoreless.
He really knew how to grab the puck.
Above all, he could really handle his stick.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

1.07.2015

Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

Name: Jaromir Jagr
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: An empty bottle of Jager
Key 1991-92 stat: Singlehandedly kept four Pittsburgh-area hairdressers in business
Scouting report on Penguins rookie hotshot Jaromir Jagr: "He looks good on the ice, but not nearly as good as he does in a linen suit. ... In the running for the Calder Trophy, but he's already swept mullet competitions throughout the Great Lakes region. ... His stick-handling so far is outpacing his ability to handle a clip-on tie. ... Will likely never suffer a concussion, given that under his helmet, he has another helmet. ... Tastes great when mixed with Dr Pepper. ... Overall, this kid's got a very high ceiling and with that haircut, he's gonna need it."

1.06.2015

Mel Bridgman, 1983-84 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hockey Week No. 2)

Name: Mel Bridgman
Team: New Jersey Devils
Position: Center
Value of card: Shaved ice
Key 1983-84 stat: No toothpaste needed
Presenting Mel Bridgman, by the numbers:

38: Assists in 1983-84
23: Goals in 1983-84
5: Teeth in 1983-84

$148,000: Amount Bridgman earned annually in the early '80s
$33,000: Amount Bridgman spent annually on housing in the early '80s
$12,000: Amount Bridgman spent annually on creamed corn and oatmeal in the early '80s

18:58: Bridgman's minutes on ice per game
1:53: Bridgman's penalty minutes per game
1:46: Minutes the dentist needed to give Bridgman a full checkup per visit

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

1.05.2015

Jarome Iginla, 1997-98 Upper Deck Collector's Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 1)

Name: Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla
Team: Calgary Flames
Position: Right wing
Value of card: A wet beer pong ball that has rolled under the couch
Key 1997-98 stat: Two sports mastered
Jarome Iginla's train of thought between 2:12 and 2:14 p.m., December 2, 1997: "Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... Ping pong counts as a workout, right? ... Eye on the ball, that's it. ... Why is this creep taking pictures of me right now? ... Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... Oh geez, my shorts are riding up my five-hole again. ... Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... I hope my overdeveloped left thigh doesn't look too weird right now. ... Eye on the wait, what am I supposed to keep my eye on again? Ah, crap, that's game."

1.04.2015

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: See those red, down-pointing arrows? Yeah, a few of those.
Key 1992 stat: Nothing left to the imagination
Thurman Thomas' train of thought from 10:34 to 10:36 a.m., March 14, 1992: "Mmm, yeah, girl. I see you watching from up there in the stands. You like what you see, don't you? Hold on, let me fully extend this leg so you can see the muscle definition. Oooh, yeah. Can't take your eyes off me now. You must be jealous of this Lycra it's clinging to me, which is just what you want to do, ain't it? What's that? You want me to move my arm so you can see my bulge? Welly, well, well. Don't mind if I wait! Is that my mom?! Oh, gross, gross, gross!"

1.03.2015

Jay Bell, 1998 Topps Chrome

Name: Jay Bell
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Four broken golf tees
Key 1997 stat: Zero idea how to play golf
At the sound of the bell, please answer this pop quiz: What's Jay Bell up to here?

A) Getting ready to move to golf-friendly Arizona
B) Going from a former greenskeeper to a Masters champion
C) Playing golf with a base and a baseball. Duh.
D) Working on his putts
E) All of the above

Card submitted by John Stoddert

1.02.2015

Terry Kinard, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 222)

Name: Terry Kinard
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Safety
Value of card: One chicken thigh
Key 1990 stat: Occasionally forgot to dress for practice
Three fun facts about the Houston Oilers and Terry Kinard:

The Oilers could have used a little more coverage in their secondary. Kinard could have used a little more coverage below the equator.
The Oilers ran a fast-tempo offense. Kinard liked to dress fast and offend everyone.
The Oilers were lured away to Tennessee in the mid-1990s by the promise of a new stadium. Kinard was lured by something a little less expensive in Myrtle Beach.

Card submitted by John Stoddert

1.01.2015

Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Name: Fred Manrique
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Second base
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1988 stat: Lost all of his bottom teeth
Ways in which Fred put the "man" in "Manrique":

Grew a mustache both outside and inside his upper lip
Caught fish by using nothing but an old mesh jersey
Started campfires using only flint, steel, and his glasses
Belched so loudly that it cleared out an entire stadium
Despite the photographic evidence, lifted weights nonstop
Could seduce a woman just by giving her a slack-jawed stare

Submitted by Douglas Corti