Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Name: Frank Zupo
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of Zupo-brand chew spit
Key 1957 stat: 16 guys made to, hey-oh, you know, disappear
A pretty good fella: The feds were on Frankie Zupo's trail. He was a hardened gangster whose body count was one of the highest in New York, and he didn't hide from attention. But when he clipped a dirty copper, see, and he knew his time was up, see, he made a bold move, see: He changed his name ever so slightly, moved to Baltimore and started playing baseball. Surprisingly, some of his nicknames from his life of crime stayed with him between the diamond's lines.
A few of Zupo's nicknames:

• Frankie "The Brow" Zupo
• Frankie "The Monobrow Murderer" Zupo
• Frankie "Two Mustaches in the Wrong Place" Zupo
• Frankie "A Cat Died on My Face" Zupo
• "Spanky" Frankie Zupo

Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Granny Hamner, 1959 Topps

Name: Granville Wilbur "Granny" Hamner
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Second base
Value of card: $1 off at the movies
Key 1958 stat: Back in his day, you could buy a candy bar for a nickel
Learn from your elders with this pop quiz: How did Granville Hamner get his nickname?

A) From a bunch of unimaginative teammates who would later go on to write an unimaginative baseball card blog
B) His two-hand, underhand throwing style, seen above
C) His inappropriate fawning over every baby he saw
D) His saggy man-boobs
E) Dude wore a diaper

Granny Hamner, 1959 Topps

Ted Kluszewski, 1957 Topps

Name: Ted Kluszewski
Team: Cincinnati Redlegs
Position: First base
Value of card: (Kluszewski flexes, then says, "How 'bout this?")
Key 1956 stat: (Kluszewski chops wood, then turns, stares at you, and spits.)
Feast your eyes on a man: Bow down, you pathetic coward. For you are staring at Ted Kluszewski, the manliest of men to ever put on a uniform and tear it to shreds as he flexed. This is the essence of man, the personification of all your fears and self-loathing — and desires. His chin once made Kurt Douglas' chin cry during a chin fight. His forearms were used as models for a sailor named Popeye. His eyebrows' daily sheddings formed herds of Sasquatches. You think those arms are big? You're right, sissy; that bat weighs 78 pounds. His sleeves? They were rightfully frightened and never showed up to the photo session. That last name? It worked as a loan shark's muscle when Kluszewski slept. Bottom line: This guy is such a man, the owners of the Cincinnati Redlegs took one look at Kluszewski's arms and decided the team's name no longer worked.

Ted Kluszewski, 1957 Topps

Gus Zernial, 1952 Topps

Name: Gus "Six-Pack" Zernial

Team: Philadelphia Athletics

Position: Left field

Value of card: $6.06

Key 1951 stats: Six home runs, six RBIs, six doubles, six triples, six walks, six errors, six A-OK signs

A man approaches a woman at a bar in 1952 and says: "Well, hello there, baby cakes, I'm Gus Zernial, a slugger with the Philadelphia Athletics. Ask just about any chap in this place and he'll tell ya I'm a big deal. I get paid to hit homers, or 'home runs,' to a gal like you who probably doesn't pay much attention to sports. This guy (points to man at the other end of the bar) probably gets paid to repair cotton gins. What a square. But look, sweetheart, I'm not here to talk; I'm a man of action. A man of action who had a romantic encounter with Marilyn Monroe. Yes, that Marilyn Monroe. (Gives A-OK sign with left hand.) But don't think my ruggedly handsome good looks and cocksure strut make me unapproachable, hot lips. I could be your Spencer Tracy, except a Spencer Tracy who's a helpless sex fiend (slaps woman's rear end; woman starts walking away). Wait ... wait ... don't leave, honey pie. Don't you want to know why I'm in a gin joint carrying this baseball bat with six balls attached to it, breaking the laws of physics? (Follows woman around tavern yelling at back of her head.) Well, darling, it's simple. I once got to sixth base, both on the ball field and in the bedroom. Hey, where ya going buttercup?" (Woman leaves bar. Zernial shatters jukebox with baseball-studded bat.)

Card submitted by Jennifer Christian

Gus Zernial, 1952 Topps