Cal McLish, 1961 Topps

Name: Cal McLish
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's hard to see any value here
Key 1960 stat: 519 times walking into a wall
Wait a minute: One of two things is going on here. Either the genius Topps photo editor chose the worst possible photo of Cal McLish for the 1961 set or Cal McLish's eyelids were constantly dragged downward by the gravitational field caused by his massive chin. Hmm, considering Topps' sterling reputation for quality, it's gotta be the chin, right?

Cal McLish, 1961 Topps

Don Mossi, 1966 Topps

Name: Don Mossi
Team: Kansas City Athletics
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A bucket full of dead squirrels
Key 1965 stat: 276 women wooed
Let's see what Don Mossi stands for:

Desirable men like this don't come around often
Ostentatious display of sexuality? Check
Never underestimate the animalistic allure of Mr. Mossi

Masculinity is off the charts
Opposite-sex attraction was only half the story
Seductive gazes enchanted the ladies
Stunning combination of attractive features
Inviting? Absolutely; why don't you just head to his bedroom now?

Don Mossi, 1966 Topps

Dick Hyde, 1960 Topps

Name: Dick Hyde
Team: Washington Senators
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A strip of rawhide
Key 1959 stat: Chin smooth as a baby's bottom
Today's oh-so-mature lineup: We know Dick Hyde was pitching for the Senators; here's who else was on the field.

C: Willie Cover
1B: Jimmy Vanish
2B: Theodore "Sneaky" Johnson
3B: Rod Shelter
SS: Peter Shroud
RF: Jebediah "Winky" Veil 
CF: John Thomas Camouflage
LF: Horatio "Chubby" Shield

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dick Hyde, 1960 Topps

Dan Coombs, 1968 Topps

Name: Dan Coombs
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 3 yards of the material lining the outside of this card
Key 1967 stat: 14 "coombs" to run through your hair
Here's what Dan Coombs stood for:

Doorknob-thick glasses allowed him to peer into batters' minds
Acid, man — acid
Never let anyone besides himself cut his hair

Chin made of solid granite
Obscure 1960s pitcher with Hollywood glamour
Object of affection for female shop teachers everywhere
Machine-gun collection forcing us to rethink the direction of this blog post
Bit through tuna cans on teammates' dares
Squinted so hard he pushed his eyes into his sinuses

Dan Coombs, 1968 Topps

Claude Raymond, 1966 Topps

Name: Claude Raymond
Team: Houston Astros
Positions: Pitcher, scientist
Value of card: "Value"? Houston, we have a problem.
Key 1965 stat: 48 minutes posing like this for Topps
The Legend of Claude Raymond: The year was 1966. The Houston Colt .45s had been renamed the Astros the previous year after the team moved into the Astrodome (not pictured; great work, Topps). Surprisingly, lush grass wouldn't grow inside a sunlight-depraved indoor stadium, so the Astros brought in German scientist Claude Raymond to create a space-age, synthetic turf for the dome, which had been pegged "the eighth wonder of the world." Raymond and his 12-pound glasses got to work on the project, and after months of toiling he showed the Astros' ownership his invention: AstroTurf, the sorriest excuse for grass the world had ever seen. But it was green, and it had "blades," so the owners loved it. As a reward, Raymond was allowed to try out for the Astros. The scientist's tryout didn't last long, however. Despite being the brains behind the turf on the ground, he always kept his eyes on the sky. Even then, he couldn't catch "popped flies," even the ones on his pants.

Claude Raymond, 1966 Topps

Frank Emanuel, 1968 Topps (Football Friday No. 162)

Name: Frank Emanuel
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One sad
Key 1968 stat: Constantly bullied
Conversation between Topps photographer and Frank Emanuel, Aug. 14, 1968:
TP: "OK, Frank, let's start by having you take a knee and remove your helmet. The kids love that pose."
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh, kneels down) "OK..."
TP: "Um, OK, good, now just take off your helmet, please."
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I can't."
TP: "Why not?"
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "Because Csonka super-glued my helmet to my ears and said that if I do manage to take it off, he'll punch me in the duodenum." (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I don't even know what that is."
TP: "Wow. Well, can you at least tilt your head down a little so your eyes aren't covered by that 14-pound facemask?"
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I can't."
TP: "Oh lordy."
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "Bob Griese got the locks changed at my house, so I had to sleep in my car last night." (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I can't move my neck at all. And I don't know who will feed Captain Stinky."
TP: "Captain Stinky?"
FE: "My bunny."
TP: "OK then. Well, can you at least smile for me?"
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh)
TP: "You know what? Never mind. (Takes photo) Next!"

Frank Emanuel, 1968 Topps (Football Friday No. 162)

George Alusik, 1962 Topps

Name: George Alusik
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Neck lumps
Key 1961 stat: Was 26 years old; looked 46
By George: What nickname did Mr. Alusik's teammates use for him in 1962?

A) Throat Bulge Alusik
B) George Are-You-Sick
C) George Alu-Sit-On-The-Bench
D) That Weenie Who Can't Hit
E) All of the above

George Alusik, 1962 Topps

Wally Moon, 1960 Topps

Name: Wally Moon
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six pieces of green cheese
Key 1959 stat: Zero people on the planet — or its only naturally orbiting satellite — with the same name
10 things just discovered on the Moon:
10) Pine-tar deodorant
9) Piercing blue eyes that once stared a hole through a steel beam
8) An Adam's apple so big it has a face
7) Acne craters
6) An expression of displeasure
5) A hat that was sat on by a horse for 18 hours
4) Jagged features that broke razors in half
3) A baggy jersey and pants that would make an early 1990s Compton gangster blush
2) Dengue fever
1) The most legendary unibrow in baseball history

Wally Moon, 1960 Topps

Dick Shiner, 1969 Topps (Football Friday No. 145)

Name: Dick Shiner (stop it)
Team: Pitts. Steelers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A dab of shoe polish on your khakis
Key 1969 stat: Used green-screen technology before that was a thing
Conversation between a Topps photographer and Dick Shiner, circa March 1969:
Topps photog: "OK, sir, what's your position?"
Dick Shiner: "I'm the quarterback."
TP: "OK, great. Now, go ahead and act like you're throwing a pass, and I'll take some pictures."
DS: (Poses as seen above.)
TP: "Um, you said 'quarterback,' right?
DS: "Yes, that's right."
TP: "Hmm, OK, can you try to use your natural throwing stance? This looks a little stiff."
DS: "This is my natural stance."
TP: "Even how you're holding the ball?"
DS: "Yup."
TP: "Ohhhh-kay. Well, that's all I need, then. Oh, wait, I almost forgot to get your name, sir."
DS: "My name's Dick Shiner."
TP: "Excuse me?"
DS: "Dick. Shiner. S-H-I-N-E-R."
TP: "Sir, children collect these cards, so I'd appreciate it if you could tell me your actual name."
DS: (Pulls out driver's license, brusquely hands it to photog.)
TP: "Wow. You sure you wouldn't rather go by 'Richard'?"
DS: "No. People call me Dick, you little punk."
TP: "Right. You know, I'm sure they do."

Dick Shiner, 1969 Topps (Football Friday No. 145)

John Boozer, 1969 Topps

Name: John Boozer
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A drop of Winner's Cup gin
Key 1968 stat: 42 drunken bar brawls
It's a '60s pop quiz: What's John Boozer doing in this photo?

A) Having lived up to his surname, he's about to pitch an invisible baseball and fall over
B) Demonstrating the best way to sweat to death by wearing a collared jacket underneath a flannel jersey
C) Demonstrating how to stand when you draw the Rapiscan machine at airport security
D) Showing off his "hands-free beer-removal technique"
E) All of the above

John Boozer, 1969 Topps

Ed Mathews, 1962 Topps

Name: Ed "Eddie" Mathews
Team: Milwaukee Braves
Position: Third base
Value of card: One packing slip
Key 1961 stat: Zero times looking at the camera
Old-timey fun-timey pop quiz timey:

Why did the Braves franchise spend only 13 years in Milwaukee?

A) The Wisconsin Dells weren't that great, it turned out
B) Lactose intolerance
C) Sausage intolerance
D) Milwaukee intolerance
E) All of the above

Ed Mathews, 1962 Topps

Dock Ellis, 1969 Topps

Name: Dock Ellis

Team: Pittsburgh Pirates

Position: Ace

Value of card: $6 a tab

Key 1970 stat: One no-hitter pitched on acid

Hey, catcher, you look like the Michelin Man, man: Though Dock Ellis will never receive a vote to be elected to the Hall of Fame, he is a baseball legend. Ellis admitted in 1984 that he pitched his 1970 no-hitter under the influence of acid. Yes, acid. Nine innings. Twenty-seven outs. One tab of acid. The Bust could write something funny about what it's like to pitch in the major leagues while tripping balls, bro, but Ellis said it best.

From Ellis' autobiography: "I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. I was zeroed in on the (catcher's) glove, but I didn't hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. I started having a crazy idea in the fourth inning that Richard Nixon was the home plate umpire, and once I thought I was pitching a baseball to Jimi Hendrix, who to me was holding a guitar and swinging it over the plate. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn't hit hard and never reached me."

Three other reasons Ellis is awesome (all true): (1) He beaned Reggie Jackson in the face because the A's slugger hit a 500-foot home run off him in an All-Star game. (2) He was maced in the face by a Riverfront Stadium security guard during a game in 1972. (3) After stating to the media that he would hit every Reds batter he faced during a 1974 game, he beaned Pete Rose, Joe Morgan and Dan Driessen, the first three Reds hitters in the first inning. He tried to hit cleanup hitter Tony Perez, but Perez dodged each pitch, and drew a walk. Ellis was then pulled by his manager.

The stuff: In the above card, Ellis is not displaying his windup, he's breaking up weed in the Bust trophy so he can roll a joint later.

Check out the trails, man: The card pictured above was manufactured by Topps to reflect what a baseball card would look like to someone on acid.

Dock Ellis, 1969 Topps

Lou Johnson, 1968 Topps

Name: "Sweet" Lou Johnson

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Outfield

Value of card: 1/10,000th of Johnson's $26,000 1968 salary

Key 1967 stat: 140,000 "oohs"

Things that make you go "Ooh": What could have made "Sweet" Lou Johnson exclaim, "Ooh," before a game in 1968? He was a pious man, so it wasn't a buxom bombshell in the stands. He wasn't a man shackled to an enormous ego, so he wasn't looking at his doe eyes in a mirror. He wasn't a spiteful man, so he wasn't watching a teammate take a back swing to the face. But "Sweet" Lou Johnson was a celebrated crooner, whose 1967 hit, "Ooh, Ooh, Baby, Ooh," made it to No. 435 on the Billboard charts. In the above photo, the crack Topps photography staff caught "Sweet" Lou belting out a version of "Ooh, Ooh, Baby, Ooh," to his manager, Leo Durocher, whose tears puddled on the dugout ground.

Card submitted by Chris Treadway

Lou Johnson, 1968 Topps