Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Names: Jimmy Palmer, Jim Palmer
Teams: Harrison Public School Aquanauts, Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Boy, ace
Value of card: One inner tube with a hole in it
Key 1972 stat: Two balks
Fun facts about Jimmy Palmer, circa 1954, and Jim Palmer, circa 1972:

• In 1954, Jimmy had a well-maintained, respectable haircut. In 1972, Jim had more hair than a chow chow on Rogaine.
•  In 1954, Jimmy liked to go for a swim down at the local watering hole. In 1972, Jim liked to go for a drink down at the local watering hole.
• In 1954, Jimmy wore a rubber inner tube for safety. In 1972, Jim usually didn't bother wearing rubbers for safety.
• In 1954, Jimmy occasionally posed shirtless for photos. A little after 1972, Jim started wearing even less.

Card submitted by Tyler Kepner

Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Anders Hedberg, 1977-78 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hocke Week No. 6)

Name: Anders Hedberg
Team: Winnipeg Jets
Position: Right wing
Value of card: One boarding pass from 2012
Key 1977-78 stat: Gave everyone the willies
Fill your intermission with this pop quiz: Who didn't Anders Hedberg frighten with his "smile"?

A) His own mother
B) Satan
C) Charles Manson
D) Thomas Lewis
E) None of the above      everybody was creeped out by Anders Hedberg

Anders Hedberg, 1977-78 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hocke Week No. 6)

Gene Brabender, 1970 Topps

Name: Gene Brabender
Team: Seattle Pilots
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of fish guts from Pike Place Market
Key 1970 stat: Zero Seattle Pilots games, because the team moved to Milwaukee before the 1970 season started
Quite the honor: We here at The Bust are excited to welcome Gene Brabender to the Name Hall of Fame. Surprisingly, this is the first player from the one-year-and-done Seattle Pilots to be given the honor. But Brabender isn't the first player whose name reminds us of the crazy summer nights of our youth. There's Motorboat Jones, who knew how to put his head down and get things done. Then there's Rusty Kuntz and Pete LaCock, who you can barely keep apart. And, of course, Dick Harter, who reminds of us of the third-period tuck, if you know what we mean. So here's to Gene Brabender, a player whose best pitch was an offer of heavy petting.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Gene Brabender, 1970 Topps

Pete Gogolak, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 218)

Name: Pete Gogolak
Team: New York Giants
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 9 ounces of pond scum
Key 1970 stat: 17 field goals by that little dude in the corner
It's time for a pop quiz that's a kick:

Just what in the hell is a "Gogolak"?

(A) A lack of go-go.
(B) A caucasian kicker with a Hollywood smile.
(C) A hairdo you might not want to show off in public.
(D) A tiny, illustrated football player with no face mask and a bad attitude.
(E) None of the above.

Pete Gogolak, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 218)

Jim Lyttle, 1979 TCMA Japanese Pro Baseball

Name: Jim Lyttle
Team: Hiroshima Toyo Carp
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Carp crap
Key 1978 stat: Kept telling his buddies he had signed with the Reds and had the helmet to prove it
Fun facts about Jim Lyttle and actual carp:

• Carp are an oily freshwater fish native to Europe and Asia. Lyttle was an oily ballplayer who moved to Asia to get fresh with the ladies.
• Some carp species have a large hump along their backs. With a sweet mustache like his, you know Lyttle did a lot of humping back in his day.
• Types of carp include goldfish and koi. Lyttle's glasses resemble an aquarium.
• Many families eat carp in some parts of the world. Lyttle's play was so poor, he had a hard time feeding his family.
• Several species of carp are considered invasive species, and millions of dollars are spent trying to control them. Lyttle's body odor was considered invasive, and dozens of teammates tried to make him shower more often.

Jim Lyttle, 1979 TCMA Japanese Pro Baseball

Howard Twilley, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 205)

Name: Howard Twilley
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An empty, unwashed can of tuna
Key 1973 stat: Two catches (not including the one on this card)
Howard Twilley's train of thought from 9:43 to 9:44 a.m., Aug. 4, 1973: "By the saints, what is this thing!? It looks like some sort of leathery dinosaur egg. Why did Griese throw it to me? I don't want to even look at this blasted object, let alone touch it. Oh heavens, it's causing all the veins in my right arm to swell to a grotesque size! Help me, Mother Mary, help me!"

Howard Twilley, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 205)

Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

Names: Pete Koegel, Mike Anderson, Wayne "W." Twitchell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher, outfielder, and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: A handful of sunflower seed shells, still moist
Key 1971 stat: Despite what the card says, not a lot of star power
These three rookies are headed for The Matchup:

Round 1: Wearing a hat with a baseball team's logo (Winner: Anderson)
Round 2: Posing for a photo in front of some desert foothills (Winner: Koegel)
Round 3: Only one of the group to ever make an all-star appearance (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 4: The eyes of a cybernetic organism (Winner: Koegel)
Round 5: The eyes of a shady drifter (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 6: Fashionably popped collar (Winner: Anderson)
Round 7: Cheekbones that we'd absolutely die for (Winner: Koegel)
Round 8: Surname that resembles the name of that exercise for lady parts (Winner: Koegel)

Final score: Koegel 4, Anderson 2, Twitchell 2

Synopsis: Despite having inhuman eyes and enough airbrush paint to make the editors of Vogue uneasy, Pete Koegel surged late for the win. Looks like all that squatting finally paid off.

Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

Charley Taylor and Fred Biletnikoff, 1975 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 204)

Names: Charley Taylor, Fred Biletnikoff
Teams: Washington Redskins, Oakland Raiders
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 6 pigeon feathers covered in bird poop
Key 1974 stat: 2 alien-looking football helmets on this card
It's time for an All-Pro edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Mustache that's like the road most traveled (Winner: Taylor)
Round 2: Name that sounds like it could be a Soviet rifle (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 3: Always-looking-up attitude (Winner: Taylor)
Round 4: Always-looking-ready-to-kill attitude (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 5: Perfectly coiffed 'fro (Winner: Taylor)
Round 6: Comb-over mullet combination of lore (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 7: Dude you wouldn't want to see lurking in the shadows (Winner: Biletnikoff)

Score: Biletnikoff 4, Taylor 3

Synopsis: In a close contest between two All-Pros, the Hall of Famer with the dead eyes proves a guy with hippie hair can still be a winner.

Charley Taylor and Fred Biletnikoff, 1975 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 204)

Roy Gerela and David Ray, 1974 Topps NFL Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 201)

Names: Roy Gerela, David Ray
Teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, Los Angeles Rams
Positions: Kickers
Value of card: Either 2 ounces of steel or 2 ounces of ram dung
Key 1973 stat: 432,101 practice kicks when other players were playing football
It's time for an edition of The Matchup that's a kick:

Round 1: Eyes the ladies could swim in (Winner: Gerela)
Round 2: Mullet that could stop bullets (Winner: Ray)
Round 3: Chin that appears to have been broken a few times (Winner: Gerala)
Round 4: A part that needed a rake instead of a comb (Winner: Ray)
Round 5: Bangs that were bangin' (Winner: Gerela)
Round 6: Look of a serial killer (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Played in a city that still has a professional football team (Winner: Gerela)

Score: Gerela 4, Ray 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle of placekickers, Roy Gerela took first place and proved that he knew how to score.

Roy Gerela and David Ray, 1974 Topps NFL Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 201)

Ray Nitschke, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 200)

Name: Ray Nitschke
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Middle linebacker
Value of card: Twice as much because of that awesome animated player in the left-hand corner
Key 1970 stat: 87 clocks cleaned
Marking the occasion: This is the 200th Football Friday here at the Bust, so we wanted to bring you a card of a classic football player. We won't be poking fun at Mr. Nitschke, mainly because we think he could still beat us to a bloody pulp from beyond the grave. He was the prototypical middle linebacker, a guy who hit so hard he practically invented the concussion. He wasn't really bald; he shaved his head like that to guarantee no hair would act as padding and lessen a blow. He was a man's man and his toughness helped define the NFL. So let us just go ahead and apologize for featuring you, Mr. Nitschke, on a blog written by a couple of weaklings.

Ray Nitschke, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 200)

Chester Marcol and Bobby Howfield, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 199)

Names: Chester Marcol, Bobby Howfield
Teams: Green Bay Packers, New York Jets
Position: Kickers, both of 'em
Value of card: Four broken kicking tees
Key 1972 stats: Kicked a lot of field goals, or something
It's time for a special (teams) Matchup:

Round 1: Tiny little itsy-bitsy head (Winner: Marcol)
Round 2: Jersey airbrushed green even though he didn't switch teams (Winner: Marcol)
Round 3: Illuminated by the sweet, bright light of heaven itself (Winner: Howfield)
Round 4: Cultivated sideburns to make up for male-pattern baldness (Winner: Howfield)
Round 5: White-guy 'fro (Winner: Marcol)
Round 6: Could be mistaken for some sort of English gentleman (Winner: Howfield)
Round 7: Could be mistaken for a 12-year-old (Winner: Marcol)
Round 8: Mastered the art of posing in front of a tree (Winner: Tie)

Final score: Marcol 4, Howfield 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: It went down to the wire, but thanks to his boyish charm and needlessly retouched uniform, Chester Marcol split the uprights in this Matchup, sending Bobby Howfield and the Jets to another defeat. (Don't worry, they're used to it.)

Chester Marcol and Bobby Howfield, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 199)

Wayne Twitchell, 1979 Topps

Name: Wayne Twitchell
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher, child of the night
Value of card: One drop of blood on your new shirt
Key 1978 stat: Two sharp fangs
It's a Canadian Caption, which possibly ran in the Montreal Gazette circa 1979: "Expos pitcher and known vampire Wayne Twitchell attempts to shield his eyes from the sun shortly before turning to dust after mistakenly taking the field during daylight hours at spring training Tuesday in Daytona Beach, Fla. Twitchell, who had been undead since the early 15th century, ventured outside Tuesday morning after mishearing a conversation about bloody marys, only to be destroyed by the harsh light of day."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Wayne Twitchell, 1979 Topps

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

Name: Gorman Thomas
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One hateful scowl
Key 1978 stat: Voted most luxurious hair in the greater Milwaukee area
Clearing up some rumors about Gorman Thomas:

• Gorman Thomas was not constantly angry. He just lacked the facial muscles needed to smile.
• Gorman Thomas was not afraid to show some skin. He was afraid to wear any color except blue, however.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in fact, know what a "Gorman" was either.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in his later years, intentionally begin to resemble a St. Bernard dog. But he did wear a barrel of booze around his neck at times.
• Gorman Thomas' hair was not more impressive than his baseball talent. His ability to eat pickled eggs, however, was legendary.

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

Fred Gladding, 1972 Topps

Name: Fred Gladding
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A folded-up sheet of saran wrap
Key 1971 stat: Zero fans
Fred Gladding, by the numbers:

3.13: Career ERA
3.13 percent: Chance Fred knows where he is in this photo, judging by his expression
31.3 degrees: Angle at which his crossed eyes are staring
313: Empty seats in this photo, an image that reminds us of the 2013 Astros' season
3,130: Flies caught in Gladding's open mouth during April 1972

Fred Gladding, 1972 Topps

Dan Hester, 1971-72 Topps ABA (Return of White Ballers Week No. 2)

Name: Dan Hester
Team: Kentucky Colonels
Position: Forward
Value of card: One empty, grease-stained KFC bucket
Key 1971-72 stat: 80 percent of head covered by hair
Top 10 things that could be found in Dan Hester's muttonchops:

10) Actual mutton
9) More pimples
8) The ABA's future
7) An aroma resembling a Moroccan sewer
6) 4.2 gallons of sweat
5) 4.2 gallons of delicious bourbon
4) A family of swallows
3) Three more of those stupid necklace things that he's wearing
2) A red, white and blue basketball
1) The rest of his forehead, somehow

Dan Hester, 1971-72 Topps ABA (Return of White Ballers Week No. 2)

Willie Wood, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 187)

Name: Willie Wood
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Safety and "all-star"
Value of card: 1 pound of wood
Key 1970 stat: 15 percent of sky missing behind him at all times
It's time for a man-vs.-cartoon version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Massive muscles (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)
Round 2: Too manly for a face mask (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Monochromatic uniform choice (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)
Round 4: Shape of scrotum, upside down (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)
Round 5: Catchy name (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Ability to play football despite disfigured left arm (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)
Round 7: Offseason gig as a "Speed Racer" villain (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)

Score: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon 5, Willie Wood 0, Ties 2

Synopsis: Willie Wood might have been a tough "all star" football player, but he never stood a chance against a competitor who seems to be drawn to victory.

Willie Wood, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 187)

Eduardo Rodriguez, 1979 Topps

Name: Eduardo Rodriguez
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A piece of bratwurst, dropped on the sidewalk
Key 1978 stat: No hat worn for more than five minutes at a time
Real nice, Eduardo: Eduardo Rodriguez hated hats. Ballcaps, derbies, Stetsons      it didn't matter, he despised them all. Sure, he would wear a garbage bag for an undershirt, just as long as he didn't have to don a cap. When he was forced to wear a Brewers hat during games per league rules, he would take it off between pitches and, if the batter struck the ball, he would knock his hat off as though trying desperately to make a defensive play      even if the ball was fouled back into the stands. When umpires or coaches would try to make him keep his cap on, Rodriguez would take it off, point to his hair, say "My head's already warm enough, chief," and then shake his head back and forth, spraying everyone with sweat and loose follicles. It was truly a disgusting display.

Eduardo Rodriguez, 1979 Topps

Dave Smith, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 185)

Name: Dave Smith
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: It's hair-raisingly low
Key 1972 stat: One severe stomachache during a photo shoot
Here's what Dave Smith stands for:

Determined look on face actually caused by constipation
Attempted the Soaring Mushroom® by sticking his finger in an electric socket
Veiny forearms are a bit unnerving
Electing to use red and green for the type on this card was a solid choice

Sleeves are elegantly rolled in at the cuff
Masculine jawline had the ladies and Terry Bradshaw swooning
Inside that 'fro resides a family of groundhogs
Team leader in 1971 in touchdown receptions and clogged drains
Hairstyle was an inspiration for years to come

Dave Smith, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 185)

Bob Sykes, 1979 Topps

Name: Bob Sykes
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $50      Syke!
Key 1978 stat: Didn't know how to pose for a photo
It's a rather awkward edition of The Caption: "Tigers pitcher Bob Sykes does a series of lunges in the dirt while wearing a winter jacket that doesn't fit him and chewing an entire can of Copenhagen that he stuffed into his mushroom-shaped head during spring training Friday in Lakeland, Fla."

Bob Sykes, 1979 Topps

Felix Millan, 1976 Topps

Name: Felix Millan
Team: New York Mets
Position: Second base
Value of card: One empty package of Milano cookies
Key 1975 stat: Arms and upper lip were never cold
Try not to get choked up over this pop quiz: What is Felix Millan doing here?

A) Showing off his unusual batting style, in which he pokes the knob of the bat at the baseball, like a pool cue
B) Showing off his unusual batting style, in which he uses a whole salami instead of a baseball bat
C) Showing off his unusual batting style, in which he rests his head on his hands before taking a swing
D) Getting ready to beat the crap out of those two little dudes at the bottom of the card
E) Making us jealous of his mustache, but not his unusual batting style. What a freak.

Felix Millan, 1976 Topps