Alex Gonzalez, 2006 Upper Deck

Name: Alex Gonzalez
Team: Florida Marlins? Boston Red Sox? It's hard to say
Positions: Shortstop, second-string mascot
Value of card: A patch of crimson fuzz
Key 2005 stat: Stole Mickey Hatcher's glove
Caption that may have run with the above photo in the Boston Globe circa 2006: "Recent Red Sox acquisition Alex Gonzalez has been struggling to acclimate to his new team. Above, during Tuesday's game against the Rays, Gonzalez is seen refusing to wear his Red Sox uniform or a regulation glove while his sister stands at his side, costumed as the shortstop's favorite childhood cartoon character, Mr. Jiggles, the world's fattest parrot."

Alex Gonzalez, 2006 Upper Deck

Phil Simms, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 160)

Name: Phil Simms
Team: New York Giants
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One protein shake, spilled
Key 1980 stat: Weighed 135 pounds
Places you may have seen Phil Simms around the time the above photo was taken:

• In the middle school cafeteria, eating lunch
• Getting his booster shots at the pediatrician's office
• Trying to sneak into an R-rated movie with his buddies
• Sitting at the soda fountain, reading a comic book
• Waiting impatiently at the beach while his mother slathered sunscreen on him, and then getting sunburned anyway

Phil Simms, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 160)

Bobby Valentine, 1980 Topps (Valentine's Day Special)

Name: Bobby Valentine
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Infield, outfield, manager, bus boy
Value of card: Seven teeth (still bloody)
Key 1979 stat: One lovey-dovey last name
It's Valentine's Day; 10 things Bobby Valentine does on his day:
10) Sits in front of a mirror and brushes his hair for two hours.
9) Blinds children with his teeth.
8) Writes love poems on valentines to women he'll never approach.
7) Draws hearts in places that underwear covers.
6) Studies hard for a second career in managing — a fast-food seafood restaurant.
5) Kisses the girl he loves (causing her to wake up, scream and report a breaking-and-entering).
4) Signs his name over and over again, until the B in his first name looks like boobs.
3) Buys flowers and chocolate. Eats both.
2) Makes up ridiculous names. His newest: Bobby Kwanzaa.
1) Loves himself (huh-huh).

Bobby Valentine, 1980 Topps (Valentine's Day Special)

Larry Milbourne, 1980 Topps

Name: Larry Milbourne
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop-second base
Value of card: Six water bottles filled with tobacco spit
Key 1979 stat: 14,390 chews taken
10 things Milbourne might be chewing in his left cheek:
10) The ball from his first, and only, hit of the season
9) A fish thrown at his face at Pike Place Market
8) An actual mariner
7) 1.5 pounds of bubblegum stolen from a chubby kid in row 1
6) Cancer
5) The Topps logo that's mysteriously not on this card
4) A third batting glove covered in chewing tobacco spit
3) The second "R" in his first name that he left out of his signature
2) His other lambchop
1) A chew, a chew, a chew, a chew and another chew

Larry Milbourne, 1980 Topps

Fernando Gonzalez, 1980 Topps

Name: Fernando Gonzalez

Team: San Diego Padres

Position: Second base

Value of card: The smell one imagines coming from the colors of the 1980 Padres uniforms

Key 1979 stat: One unrecognizable signature

10 things that Gonzalez's signature could say:

10) Fabulous Mustache

9) Facial hair Tragedy

8) Feces-colored Jersey

7) Telemundo 8 channel

6) Feathers of Sick bird

5) (Expletive) you, Topps

4) It clearly says Fernando Gonzalez, only it's backwards and upside down

3) Not sure; it's Arabic

2) Fernando Valenzuela

1) Feiumdo Trgaly (just look)

Fernando Gonzalez, 1980 Topps

Jerry Garvin, 1980 Topps

Name: Jerry Garvin
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One curly blond hair of indeterminate origin
Key 1979 stat: 472,089 steps sat on
Play that funky music white boy: It's pretty obvious Jerry Garvin is a towhead. But just how white is he?

• Jerry Garvin's so white, he's his own night light.
• He's so white, when he wasn't pitching, he was being used as third base.
• He's so white, he got a sunburn standing in front of the TV
• He's so white, he blinded half the locker room when he took off his shirt.
• He's so white, he couldn't even jump to a conclusion.
• He's so white, that's not a bandage on his middle finger, the finger's just swollen.
• Jerry Garvin's so white, Canadians urged him to get a tan.

Jerry Garvin, 1980 Topps

George Frazier, Tom Herr, Dan O'Brien, 1980 Topps Future Stars

Names: George Frazier, Tom Herr, Dan O'Brien
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, second base, pitcher
Value of card: A bunch of empty seats
Key 1979 stat: One future in baseball, among them
It's a Gateway City Matchup:

Round 1: Rockin' the mock turtleneck (Winner: O'Brien)
Round 2: Hairstyle resembling mustache (Winner: Frazier)
Round 3: Uber nerd glasses (Winner: O'Brien)
Round 4: Enough blond hair to make a shag carpet (Winner: Herr)
Round 5: Actual baseball talent (Winner: Herr)
Round 6: Good enough that people wanted to be seen in his photo (Winner: Herr)
Round 7: Ability to look at the camera (Winner: N/A)

Final score: Herr 3, O'Brien 2, Frazier 1

Synopsis: The term "future star" may be a bit luxurious for any of these three rookies, but just like in baseball, Herr outshines the other two schlubs in The Matchup.

George Frazier, Tom Herr, Dan O'Brien, 1980 Topps Future Stars

Gene Garber, 1980 Topps

Name: Gene Garber
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Who wants to know?
Key 1979 stat: Eyebrows constantly furrowed
It's just sad, really: How little did Gene Garber trust other people?

• He hired a private investigator to follow the bat boy.
• Rather than take signs from his catcher, he would just yell out what he was going to throw.
• He personally signed off on this card to make sure Topps got the "good side" of his beard.
• He cut his own hair.
• Every time an infielder made an error, he'd scream, "I KNEW IT!!!"
• He constantly pitched from the stretch just so he could shift his eyes back and forth.
• He wore a jacket under his uniform. Sorry, that's got nothing to do with trust issues, it just looks ridiculous.

Gene Garber, 1980 Topps

Cubs Future Stars, 1980 Topps

Names: Dave Geisel, Steve Macko, Karl Pagel

Team: Chicago Cubs

Positions: Pitcher, second base, outfield, respectively

Value of card: One C-note (if "C" stands for "crap")

Key 1979 stat: One set of parents

Time for a strikingly similar version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Brown hair grown slightly over the ears (Three-way tie)

Round 2: Slightly pink, Caucasian complexion (Three-way tie)

Round 3: Square, bricklayer's chin (Three-way tie)

Round 4: Father named Durwood from Peoria, Ill. (Three-way tie)

Round 5: Mother named Nancy from Peoria, Ill. (Three-way tie)

Round 6: Birth date of Oct. 17, 1955 (Three-way tie)

Round 7: Fake mustache glued on to look different (Winner: Geisel)

Score: Geisel 1, Macko 0, Pagel 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: Despite changing their names in an effort to avoid the media attention that would be thrust upon major league triplets, it's obvious these three came from the same mother, within a few minutes of one another. Lucky for Geisel, he found a fake mustache on the dugout ground, allowing him to take the glory of a Matchup victory from his flesh and blood.

Cubs Future Stars, 1980 Topps

Junior Kennedy, 1980 Topps

Name: Junior Kennedy
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Shortstop, second base
Value of card: One meaningless signature
Key 1979 stat: 281 nets held onto
Fun facts about a man named Junior:

• Spent six seasons in the show, though at no point did he post a stat line deserving of the title "major-leaguer."
• Grew a sideburn like nobody's business.
• A rare condition caused him to lose his balance around batting cages.
• Junior Kennedy once called Johnny Bench "the greatest catcher to play the game." Johnny Bench once called Junior Kennedy "that prick who grounded into the game-ending double play today."
• Could tie seven different types of knots. Was tied up in even more by pitchers.
• No one was really sure why he was called "Junior." No one, that is, except the ladies.
• Had one son. His name? Junior Kennedy Jr.

Junior Kennedy, 1980 Topps

Eric Rasmussen, 1980 Topps

Name: Eric Rasmussen

Team: San Diego Padres

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Three ear hairs

Key 1979 stat: One mistaken identity

Clean-cut character: Eric Rasmussen always kept his hair clean and short. He shaved twice a day and brushed his teeth after every meal. He wore sharp suits and kept his shoes polished. He never tried drugs or alcohol and spent much of his free time volunteering and helping kids. He never let his hair get scraggly during monthlong drug binges. He never grew a stringy, food-filled mustache that, paired with his chew-stained teeth, matched the color scheme of his baseball uniform. He never looked like he spent the hours before and after baseball games dropping acid and drinking whiskey. Wait, what? Oh, that Eric Rasmussen. We thought you meant Eric Rasmussen, chairman of the Early Childhood Music Department at the Peabody Institute at Johns Hopkins University. Apologies.

Eric Rasmussen, 1980 Topps

Bill Bergey, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 47)

Name: Bill "The Bulge" Bergey

Team: Philadelphia Eagles

Position: Middle Linebacker

Value of card: If you adjust for (crotch) inflation, 2 cents

Key 1979 stat: One awkward dance before each game

10 things that could be stuffed down Bill Bergey's pants:

10) 66-pound cup

9) A mediocre baseball card blog's cup

8) A disco ball that's prompting him to dance

7) All the NFL's Astroturf

6) Shoulder pads for his "buddies"

5) The gameday football, and two other balls

4) A living, breathing eagle

3) A living, breathing Eagles player

2) An identical bulge to the disguised man behind him

1) Another beard

Bill Bergey, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 47)