Joe Pettini, 1981 Topps

Name: Joe Pettini
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Shortstop, third base
Value of card: It's complicated
Key 1980 stat: You wouldn't understand
An ode to Joe Pettini: Joe, oh Joe. You're a complicated man. You dress like a cat burglar and carry the moniker of a salami maker. Andy Warhol, the master of the pop art movement, found your look so intriguing, so mesmerizing, that he painted the portrait above and sold it for a buck seventy-five when he was high on mescaline. Joe, oh Joe. How do you feather your mullet so? How can you see lunar pebbles on the moon with 14-pound glasses that make women swoon? Tell us the secrets of your mustache-like sideburns and sideburn-like mustache. Joe, fair Joe, thank you for being our work of art.

Joe Pettini, 1981 Topps

Kent Tekulve, 1981 Topps

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of the part of a pirate's peg leg that touches the stump
Key 1980 stat: 20 stars on his Little League hat
It's time for The Caption, which we're sure did not run in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in the early 1980s: "Kent Tekulve, center, does a funky chicken dance on the mound while wearing aviator shades, one of the best baseball caps of all time and a uniform that blinded 12 fans who were already blind after throwing a sidearm slurve for the Pirates against the New York Mets at Three Rivers Stadium on a sweltering June day with 98 percent humidity made hotter by Tekulve's school-bus-yellow jersey and pants in Pittsburgh on Wednesday."

Kent Tekulve, 1981 Topps

Jim Wohlford, 1981 Topps

Name: Jim Wohlford
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfielder
Value of card: A giant pile of dog crap
Key 1980 stat: 206 bologna sandwiches eaten
Top 10 wrinkles on Jim Wohlford's face:

10) That laugh line on the left side of his face
9) The laugh line next to that one
8) The other laugh line next to that second one
7) That murder of crow's feet
6) The one over by his right ear
5) No, not that one, that one
4) The wrinkle that appears to actually be on his right ear
3) The ones that also seem to house his eyelids
2) All of the forehead ones covered by his bangs
1) That one running down the middle of the bridge of his nose. Weird.

Jim Wohlford, 1981 Topps

Manny Sanguillen, 1981 Topps

Name: Manny Sanguillen
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A plastic necklace with the number 35 on it
Key 1980 stat: Wore a helmet at all times
Catch this pop quiz: What's Manny "Sangy" Sanguillen doing in the above photo?

(A) Laughing at how much yellow Lee Lacy was wearing, before realizing he'd have to wear the same thing
(B) Yelling at the Topps photographer not to highlight his gaptooth
(C) Yawning after spending another night sleeping in the clubhouse
(D) Singing "Do That to Me One More Time" by The Captain and Tennille
(E) Preparing to catch a ball with his teeth

Manny Sanguillen, 1981 Topps

Charlie Moore, 1981 Topps

Name: Charlie Moore
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: More than nothing? Doubtful
Key 1980 stat: Squinted 75 percent of the time
Things Charlie could have used Moore of:

• Hair
• Baseball acumen
• Deodorant
• Friends
• Good life choices

Things Charlie could have used less of:

• Waking up on the lawn
• Passed balls
• Rejection
• Crippling self-doubt
• Beard lice

Charlie Moore, 1981 Topps

Rich Gale, 1981 Topps

Name: Rich Gale
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It won't make you rich, and it won't bring you a windfall
Key 1980 stat: Never afraid to rock a soul patch
Here's what Rich Gale stands for:

Royals were lucky to have such a well-coiffed hurler
It's possible, of course, that that's just a red panda resting on his head
Can't tell who Rich is looking at, but we doubt it's anyone as attractive as the hunky Mr. Gale
His hair sported a nifty 3.40 ERA that year, two full runs below Rich's number

Glasses would have knocked down a comeback liner without even taking a scratch...
And that mustache would have caught it
Little silver chain is the best 50 cents anyone ever put in a gumball machine
Everyone who watched this guy pitch agrees: Gale blows

Rich Gale, 1981 Topps

Ed Figueroa, 1981 Topps

Name: Ed Figueroa
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Nada, deep in the heart of Texas
Key 1980 stat: 365 days, zero haircuts
It's time for a Texas-size pop quiz:

Just how rough-and-tumble was Ed Figueroa's life?

(A) He once shot dead eight desperados with a six-shooter.
(B) He once drank three bottles of XXX whiskey, and then peed into a bottle, and then drank from that bottle of what had become XXXX whiskey.
(C) He once smoked a thick cigar, chewed a can of tobacco and smoked a pack of nonfiltered cigarettes — and then he woke up.
(D) He once rode the meanest bucking bull in three states for eight minutes; they were later married.
(E) All of the above.

Ed Figueroa, 1981 Topps

Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper, 1981 Topps

Names: Duane Kuiper, Mike Krukow
Teams: Cleveland Indians, Chicago Cubs
Positions: Second base, pitcher
Value of cards: As many cents as Kuiper's career home run total (combined)
Key 1980 stat: 14 times dreaming of sitting next to each other doing play-by-play (combined)
It's time for a San Francisco edition of The Matchup, which features current Giants TV broadcast partners Duane Kuiper and Mike Krukow:

Round 1: Carefree attitude seen in unkempt hairstyle (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Choice of cummerbund instead of baseball belt (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Lack of buttons on Little League-quality jersey (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sensational staring technique (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Animal magnetism — mad animal magnetism (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Admiration for sleeves cut off with kindergarten safety scissors (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Career home runs (Winner: Krukow)

Score: Krukow 1, Kuiper 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: When you have a Matchup that features two professionals who are so linked, you know it's going to be close. Indeed, this edition's margin of victory was razor-thin, but when the dust had settled, Krukow told Kuiper, "Grab some pine, meat."

Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper, 1981 Topps

Jerry Reuss, 1981 Topps

Name: Jerry Reuss
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 fluid ounces of pond scum
Key 1980 stat: 365 days lived with a sunny disposition
It's time for another thrilling pop quiz:

What has Jerry Reuss looking up?

(A) It's National Hug a Towhead Week.
(B) He thought he lost his hat, but it's right there in the left-hand corner.
(C) After six years of growth, his mustache masterpiece is complete.
(D) He's remembering his childhood acting gig playing Dennis the Menace.
(E) All of the above.

Jerry Reuss, 1981 Topps

Jose Cardenal, 1981 Topps

Name: Jose Cardenal
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield, first base, garbage man
Value of card: 12 bugs pulled from Cardenal's hair
Key 1980 stat: 2,987 hours looking shady
10 things you might not know about Jose Cardenal:
10) He never played for the Cardenals.
9) His favorite player was Oscar Gamble.
8) The "KC" on his hat stood for "Kalamazoo College," where he was a janitor.
7) His mom coined the phrase, "No way, Jose."
6) He had the ability to smile.
5) He won Best MLB Corpse of 1981.
4) He worked as an usher between innings.
3) That's a size 11 hat.
2) He rocks rough and stuff with his afro puffs.
1) He's bald beneath that hat.

Jose Cardenal, 1981 Topps

Dick Davis, 1981 Topps

Name: Dick Davis
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Take the number of letters in his first name and divide by 4. That's the value in cents.
Key 1980 stat: Four ounces of cheese in beard
Clearing up some rumors about Dick Davis:

• Dick Davis did not have a gold tooth. That's actually foil from the entire, still-wrapped package of Rolos he just stuffed in his mouth.
• Dick Davis was not angry about having his picture taken. He was angry about not having any more Rolos.
• Dick Davis was not a defensive liability. He was a defensive irresponsibility.
• Dick Davis was not the forerunner to Fernando Rodney's style of hat-wearing. He'd just been sleeping in his full uniform again.
• Dick Davis' photos was not the worst one in the 1981 Topps set. This one was.

Dick Davis, 1981 Topps

Bruce Kimm, 1981 Topps

Name: Bruce Kimm
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1980 stat: 46 times mistaken for a member of the Bob's Muffler Service softball team while wearing that uniform
It's time for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Chicago Tribune in 1981: "Bruce Kimm, center, sulks near the batting cage after losing a bet and being forced to wear a uniform that was so ridiculous it in no way could have been worn by a professional baseball team — not even the Chicago White Sox, whose hideous uniform choices are well-documented — and, in fact, looked more like a uniform worn by rollerskating waitresses at Chicagoland carhop restaurant Shakes & Skates, Tuesday in Detroit."

Bruce Kimm, 1981 Topps

Pete LaCock, 1981 Topps

Name: Pete LaCock
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: One smile from LaCock
Key 1980 stat: 25 mesh nettings rested against
Here's Pete LaCock's online dating profile:

ScreenName: Pete_LaCock_Yes_That's_My_Real_Name
Age: 29
Height: 6' 2"
Weight: 200 pounds of LaCock here
Hair color: Which layer?
Hairstyle: Mulletish
Facial hair: Mustache that tastes vaguely of hickory
Ethnicity: Californian
Marital status: Swinging freely
Want children? Yes. Who wouldn't want a little LaCock?
Smoke? You selling?
Drink? I've been known to pound a few
Best feature: Surname

Seeking: A beautiful Midwestern girl (or five)
Her body type: Scantily clad
Her ethnicity: Female
Her interests: Baseball, mustaches and wiener jokes

About me: Hello, ladies, I'm Pete LaCock. You might know me as that professional baseball player with the quasi-erotic name. No, not Rusty. There's nothing erotic about that guy. Anyway, I've been having a tough time since moving to Kansas City. It seems I'm spending more time in bed with a plate of delicious barbecue ribs than with the company of a woman, and I'd like to change that. So drop me a line      first we'll get to LaKnow each other, and then we'll get LaNasty. LaCock out!

Pete LaCock, 1981 Topps

Pat Underwood, 1981 Topps

Name: Pat Underwood, as played by Ashton Kutcher
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two ripped ticket stubs to "The Butterfly Effect"
Key 1980 stat: $22 million loss at the box office
Role of a lifetime: Fresh off his turn as Apple co-founder and visionary Steve Jobs in "Jobs," Ashton Kutcher was looking for a challenge. He found it in a script titled "A Tiger's Stripes" and in a character named Pat Underwood. Kutcher knew he had to dedicate himself fully to the movie and live inside the role, as if he were Underwood. He grew out his hair nearly an inch, gained 3 pounds and kind of learned how to throw a baseball. He was a perfect fit. The movie mainly focused on Underwood's off-the-field life, where he dated well-known women, faced a staggering amount of criticism in the media and dabbled in what could be considered the Twitter of its day, the push-button telephone. Yes, it was as if Kutcher were made for the role, all the way down to the character's vaguely sexually explicit name that would have worked as a poor punch line in "Dude, Where's My Car?"

Pat Underwood, 1981 Topps

Mike Colbern, 1981 Topps

Name: Mike Colbern
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Catcher
Value of card: See that grass in the back? Below it is mud. The value of this card is equal to the worth of the mud.
Key 1980 stat: 131 times wearing dirty "sox"
It's time to see what Mike Colbern stands for:

Mind was full of hope despite being left in a cow field by his teammates
Idealistic lad who didn't even mind wearing that uniform
Key to happiness: getting a photo taken in as awkward a pose as possible
Even a .259 career batting average couldn't make him frown

Candid photos like this one really let you see a professional athlete's humanity
Optimistic would be an understatement
Left arm probably hs never been in that position before
Bright smile, bright day, not-so-bright pose
Evidence of the power of positive thinking: He's happy to be shot by Topps
Rose-colored glasses were his eyewear of choice
Never met a glass he wouldn't drink from and still declare half-full

Mike Colbern, 1981 Topps

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Name: Allen Ripley
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $12 (don't believe it)
Key 1980 stat: 4-inch distance between camera and face
Let's play a new game: Ripley's Believe It or Not:

• Believe it or not? Ripley once flew away during a game thanks to his hair wings.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was really wearing a Giants hat in this photo; it wasn't a crudely drawn facsimile added during the card production process.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was a close talker, hence the closeness of his face to the camera lens.
• Believe it or not? Ripley's nose was detachable, as evidenced by the creases around his snoz.
• Believe it or not? This card was not one of many abominations in the 1981 Topps set.

Oh, in case you wondering, don't believe any of the garbage above. 

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Joe Lavender, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 175)

Name: Joe Lavender
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: If we told you, you'd be blue
Key 1980 stat: 28 times taking the field dressed like this
We heard it through the lavender vine: Man, Joe Lavender was a cool dude. Check out those glasses. And that headband. And that beard. But what you might not know — despite the radical blue microphone on this card — is that Joe Lavender was the lead singer of an early 1980s funk-soul group, The Head Band. All the members wore sunglasses and football jerseys and, of course, headbands. They were, so to speak, a colorful group. Put your hands together for the members of The Head Band:

• Tony Turquoise
• Ron Burgundy
• Ferdinand Goldenrod
• Penny Peach
• Hugo Silver
• Black Jack
• George Washington Redskin

Joe Lavender, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 175)

Bob Griese, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 136)

Name: Bob Griese
Teams: Miami Dolphins, "Revenge of the Nerds" movie cast
Position: Dorky quarterback
Value of card: 12,321 x 876 / 14 + 1,298 - 716 x 0 = 0
Key 1980 stat: Don't get this dweeb started on stats
10 things Bob Griese said the day this photo was taken:
10) "Hold your horses, cowboy, (laugh snort) and let me calculate the yardage (laugh snort)."
9) "Have you ever heard of a paper Dolphin?"
8) "I don't really see myself as an athlete. Actually, I can't really see at all."
7) "OK, I'll cut the crap and give Grandma her glasses back."
6) "No, you listen. I want a phallic microphone on the card because I'm going to be an announcer."
5) "So, we put on these helmets for a 'Pokemon' tourney?"
4) "What do you mean I've been CTRL-Alt-Del? Is that some kind of crack?"
3) "Gee whiz, what is this brown, oblong object the muscular gentleman just threw at me?"
2) "The last part of my pads that I put on is my pocket protector."
1) "Man, these glasses sure are Griese."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Bob Griese, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 136)

Steve Trout, 1981 Topps

Name: Steve Trout
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 14 fish scales
Key 1980 stat: 20-pound sunglasses
Master of disguise: Where have we seen Steve "Rainbow" Trout before?

A) In a Led Zeppelin tribute band called Whole Lotta Glove featuring baseball players
B) Standing in front of the sunglasses spindle at Wal-Mart for the past 40 minutes
C) In Seattle, getting tossed around by the guys at the Pike Place Market
D) At Wrigley Field, dressed like a middle-aged woman
E) All of the above

Steve Trout, 1981 Topps

Jim Beattie, 1981 Topps (Part 1)

Name: Jim Beattie
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's missing something
Key 1980 stat: Lots of face
Heckler's rant to an attentive Jim Beattie, Sept. 12, 1980: "Hey Beattie, nice face. I can't tell what's bigger, your nose, your chin or your Adam's apple! Yeah, that's right, Beattie, I'm talking to you. Did you shave five minutes ago, or are you 12 years old? I haven't seen skin that smooth since the last time I met up with your wife! And good lord, man, are you even wearing a shirt under that jacket? Or are you just showing off the one place you can grow hair? You're a bum, Chin Beattie!"

(To be continued.)

Jim Beattie, 1981 Topps (Part 1)