Gorman Thomas, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Gorman Thomas
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: An empty six-pack of Milwaukee's Best
Key 1981 stat: Clothed a family of four with his mustache
Is Gorman Thomas having a medical emergency? Right now? No. He's clearly happy, maybe because it's such a joy to live in Milwaukee, maybe because it's been eight months to the day since he last had a haircut, or maybe because Bernie Brewer has bought the last three rounds. But he is not in need of medical attention      right now. In a few years, though, when he begins to morph into a Saint Bernard dog? It would probably be a good idea.

Gorman Thomas, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Dave Stewart, 1982 Donruss

Name: Dave Stewart
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Whatever Stew says
Key 1981 stat: 451 people intimidated
It's time for a serious pop quiz:

Would you mess with Stew?

(A) No.
(B) Hell no.
(C) Absolutely not.
(D) For the love of god, no.
(E) (runs away)
(F) All of the above

Dave Stewart, 1982 Donruss

Mickey Hatcher, 1982 Donruss

Name: Mickey Hatcher
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Mickey's 40-ounce
Key 1981 stat: 24 hours with a supreme being's glory shining on him
It's time for a religious pop quiz:

Why is Mickey Hatcher basking in God's good light from the heavens?

(A) Because God loves a professional athlete who needs Just for Men.
(B) Because God loves a grown man who looks like a sixth-grade rascal.
(C) Because God loves all of us, you atheist pig.
(D) Because God loves a baseball player who moonlights as a prop comic.
(E) All of the above.

Mickey Hatcher, 1982 Donruss

Whitey Herzog, 1982 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 7)

Name: Dorrel Norman Evert "Whitey" Herzog
Team: St. Louis "Cards"
Position: Manager
Value of card: One lesson on how not to wear a jacket
Key 1981 stat: 27 people punched for calling him by his given name
Top 10 things that could be found in Whitey Herzog's face wrinkles:

10) Brisket
9) A properly adjusted collar
8) Loose beard hairs from Bruce Sutter
7) More wrinkles
6) A mother's love
5) That day's lineup card
4) The rest of his sideburns
3) The rest of his turtleneck
2) Blueprints for the Gateway Arch
1) A cure for Willie McGee's homeliness

Whitey Herzog, 1982 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 7)

Rollie Fingers, 1982 Donruss

Name: Rollie Fingers
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Closer
Value of card: Two free plane tickets to Milwaukee (still unclaimed)
Key 1981 stat: 22 straight victories in "best name" contests
Script from Fingers-brand Mustache Wax® television commercial, circa 1982: "Howdy, sports fans, I'm Rollie Fingers, and I know how to close. And if you want to close in on a bold new style, you need to pick up a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever feel like you look like every other guy in the boardroom or at the baseball game? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever want to look like you're a 19th-century boxer or carriage driver from the Prohibition era? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever feel the need to hang Christmas tree ornaments from your facial hair? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Because with Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®, your 'stache will no longer be a secret."

Rollie Fingers, 1982 Donruss

Chet Lemon, 1982 Donruss

Name: Chet Lemon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Four lemon seeds, swallowed
Key 1981 stat: Went on strike, but not because of the team's unis.
Here's what Chet Lemon stands for:

Carried a lot of bad White Sox teams
Had to wear a lot of bad White Sox uniforms, as well
Evidently, he's too cool for his full first name, Chester
This angle makes it look like that infielder's getting a good whiff of Lemon's scent

Lapels double as a flotation device
Eats anything except citrus, surprisingly
Man, there are stripes going in every direction in that photo
Once played for a manager named Bob Lemon
No relation      in fact, their relationship was pretty sour

Chet Lemon, 1982 Donruss

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Name: Mike Schmidt, Pete Rose
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Third base, first base
Value of card: Two plays on a nickel slot machine
Key 1981 stat: 12,381 times ridiculed for uniforms' ridiculous color combination
It's time for a City of Brotherly Love edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Most tire rubber wrapped around chest and stomach (Winner: Rose)
Round 2: Weight of mustache, in pounds (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 3: Haircut most likely to be seen on "Little House on the Prairie" (Winner: Rose)
Round 4: Most actual bird feathers in unkempt haircut's wings (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 5: Volume of baby-blue bulge (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Amount of blood flow restricted due to skintight pants (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Number of clipboards held awkwardly at side during a (cough, cough) professional photo shoot (Winner: Schmidt)

Score: Schmidt 3, Rose 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: It was a tight battle with little love lost between Charlie Hustle and Schmidty in the City of Brotherly Love, but, as usual, the Hall of Famer came out on top. You can bet on it.

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Larry Parrish, 1982 Donruss

Name: Larry Parrish
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Third base
Value of card: Unlike his beard, it's not priceless
Key 1981 stat: 761 ladies who swooned at the sight of his beard
10 glorious things about Larry Parrish's beard:
10) With just a bit of dye, it allowed him to sing in front of thousands of fans at a Kenny Rogers concert.
9) It deflected bullets when he was shot on the mean streets of Montreal.
8) He could use it to remove baked-on food from pots and pans.
7) It provided a convenient place to store chew spit.
6) It allowed him to apply to become part of this illustrious group; his request is still pending.
5) He could be Chewbacca every Halloween.
4) It made him the manliest man in Japan when he played for the Hanshin Tigers and Yakult Swallows.
3) It took attention away from the "blinding pinwheel" Expos uniform.
2) He was able to spend his offseason working as a mountain goat.
1) It winked at the ladies for him.

Larry Parrish, 1982 Donruss

Champ Summers, 1982 Donruss

Name: John "Champ" Summers
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Zero championships in anything
Key 1981 stat: 710 eye wrinkles
Places you've heard or seen the name "Champ Summers" name before:

• On the 10 o'clock news, when they introduce the sports guy
• On the 10 o'clock news, while apologizing for yesterday's curse-laden rant
• In the opening credits of a 1980s stag film
• Giving advice on the ponies in the back of a horse racing program
• On a VHS case for his 1985 straight-to-video animal-buddy-cop movie, "Champ and the Chimp"
• On a baseball card, with some pretty underwhelming stats on the back

Champ Summers, 1982 Donruss

Danny Ainge, 1982 Donruss

Name: Danny Ainge
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Infield, outfield, shooting guard, whatever
Value of card: Two tainted meatballs
Key 1981 stat: 1-for-9 from the 3-point line
10 reasons Danny Ainge couldn't hack it as a major-leaguer:
10) He'd try to dribble a ground ball after it was hit to him.
9) He'd set screens on the base paths.
8) He kept watching the clock.
7) He'd play man-to-man defense in the outfield.
6) He'd sneakily paint all the balls orange.
5) He'd catch a pitched ball with his bare hands when he was batting and chest-pass it to the guy in the on-deck circle.
4) He kept crossing out "Blue Jays" on his jersey and writing "Celtics."
3) He made his jockstrap and cup out of a nylon net.
2) He made teammates nervous by talking about "hardwood."
1) He wouldn't take off his shorts.

Danny Ainge, 1982 Donruss

Earl Weaver, 1982 Donruss

Name: Earl Weaver
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Manager
Value of card: A minuscule denomination of money no longer in circulation
Key 1981 stat: 211,900 wrinkles
10 real quotes from the one and only Earl Weaver:
10) "Coaches are an integral part of any manager's team, especially if they are good pinochle players."
9) "We're so bad right now that for us back-to-back home runs means one today and another one tomorrow."
8) "Optimism is the cheerful frame of mind that enables a teakettle to sing, though in hot water up to its nose."
7) "Smart managing is dumb. The three-run homers you trade for in December will always beat brains."
6) "(That umpire) is incompetent. (Those other two umpires) are almost as incompetent as (the first umpire). ... The blind one. ... The worst. ... Not smart enough to remember the rule book. ... If he ever touches me again without that blue uniform on, I'll consider it assault and his family will have to fly to see him at Johns Hopkins Hospital."
5) "Don't worry. The fans don't start booing until July."
4) "I think the National League has better biorhythms in July."
3) "Every time I fail to smoke a cigarette between innings, the opposition will score."
2) "If you know how to cheat, start now."
1) "On my tombstone just write, 'The sorest loser that ever lived.'"

Earl Weaver, 1982 Donruss

Doug Bird, 1982 Donruss

Name: Doug Bird
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A feather in your mouth
Key 1981 stat: Twice tried to eat the ivy at Wrigley
Here's what Doug Bird stands for:

Dude's been working on his tan more than he has his curveball
Oiled up his biceps before this shot
Uncle Doug bought all the kids mesh jerseys for Christmas
Gap-toothed? Or is that just some leftover chew on that incisor?

Bird is a fitting last name for this guy, given his wings
It's not wrong to want to grab hold of those handlebars
Ratio of forehead to rest of face appears to be 1:1
Doubtful that Bird was the often word, except in the loss column

Doug Bird, 1982 Donruss

Rick Waits, 1982 Donruss

Name: Rick Waits
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of sunflower seed shells swept up in the dugout
Key 1981 stat: 870 hours sitting in the dugout
Let's get deep and answer some questions:

What happens when this pitcher wants to get in a game?

Rick Waits

What happens when this pitcher asks the clubhouse manager for a favor?

Rick Waits

What happens when this pitcher drops his name at a busy restaurant in an effort to get a table?

Rick Waits

What happens when this pitcher walks into a barbershop and asks to get cleaned up?

Rick Waits

What happens when this pitcher says he wants to be featured on a good-looking baseball card?

Rick Waits

Rick Waits, 1982 Donruss

Ken Singleton, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Ken Singleton
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 12 lead paint chips
Key 1982 stat: Low bar for Diamond Kings
Merry Christmas, and welcome to Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week: Look, we know what you're thinking. "You're giving me more Diamond Kings for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa? You guys are about as original as Adam Sandler these days." It's true, we've taken a few pokes at the work of the infamous artist Perez, but we don't think you understand how atrocious, how dreadful, how god-awful these things really were at times. So pour some extra rum in that egg nog      here we go again with the most horrendous Diamond Kings money can buy (and it can buy a lot of them).
What makes this a horrendous Diamond King: Let's start at the back. Are those just a bunch of puke-colored stripes or is that a direct ripoff of the flag of some small African nation? Moving forward, is Ken Singleton hunchbacked? What's with the lump between his right shoulder and his neck? Whatever the case, I'm pretty sure he didn't have a lazy eye, as depicted here. Of course, all of these things could be excused. It's not like we could paint Ken Singleton any better. But I'm pretty sure that we wouldn't paint him as a little white dude, as seen at bottom right. Seriously, what is Cal Ripken's face doing on Ken Singleton's body? You got his skin tone right the first time     what the hell happened with the smaller version? That's just horrendous.

Ken Singleton, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Hal McRae, 1982 Donruss

Name: Hal McRae
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Drymouth
Key 1981 stat: One excellent beard
Who is Hal McRae?
He can play right field, left field, center field or backfield.
He makes powder blue look manly.
He wins staring contests against statues.
He could hit a home run holding the bat just like this.
He doesn't steal bases. They're given to him.
His beard hit for the cycle.
When he throws runners out, they thank him.
His runs counted double.
He made Kansas City an acceptable place to live.
He is ... the most interesting outfielder in the world.

Hal McRae, 1982 Donruss

Joey McLaughlin, 1982 Donruss

Name: Joey McLaughlin
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Whatever you can find in his beard
Key 1981 stat: 249 batters made uncomfortable by that stare
Avoid eye contact: What does Joey McLaughlin see?

A) Your soul
B) How you will die (Hint: He plays a role)
C) London, France and your underpants
D) Only what the government allows him to see
E) Huh? Oh, nothing. He was just daydreaming about your underpants.

Joey McLaughlin, 1982 Donruss

Don Money, 1982 Donruss

Name: Don Money
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Third base
Value of card: No money
Key life stat: Born Donald Wayne Brooks
Get ready to groan: On the field, you could always count on Don Money. He routinely cashed in at the plate, and you could bank on him at the hot corner. His arm enabled him to throw cheese to first. He had the skills to pay the bills. But off the field, there was a secret in his vault. He refused to launder his clothing. His odor caused teammates and others to turn green — he smelled like a cross between month-old bread and warm clams. His feelings were tender, and he vowed to change. But in the end, Don Money just couldn't buck who he was: a slob, down to his bones.

Don Money, 1982 Donruss

Sparky Anderson, 1982 Donruss (Coach-Manager Week No. 1)

Name: Sparky Anderson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: A cup of prune juice
Key 1981 stat: Enough neck wrinkles to make a turkey jealous
Just in time for the Super Bowl, welcome to Coach-Manager Week: Whether in a dugout or on the sidelines, a team's leader is an old dude who's almost always rocking a big gut and a bigger attitude. Too often these gentlemen of the game are cast aside, forgotten and never given the credit they deserve. The Bust wants to change that. For seven glorious days, we'll bring you the coaches and managers whose knowledge of the game is only exceeded by their fashion IQ.
Sparky Anderson's train of thought from 2:11 to 2:13 p.m., April 14, 1982: "I wonder if I should eat this baseball. ... This Gibson kid isn't going to amount to jack squat, I bet. ... 'Sweet' Lou — heh. He wasn't so sweet when he was talking about Chet Lemon's mother the other day. ... Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn! Oh, wait, that's the bullpen. ... I still can't believe we signed a guy named Wockenfuss. Isn't that German for something to do with a guy's junk? ... If I look like this now, at age 48, I wonder what I'll look like at age 70? Hmm."

Sparky Anderson, 1982 Donruss (Coach-Manager Week No. 1)

Gene Richards, 1982 Donruss

Name: Gene Richards
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: "Whatever you want, Mr. Richards, just don't hurt me."
Key 1981 stat: 46 people beat down
Gene Richards' stream of consciousness from 2:22 to 2:23 p.m. July 14, 1981: "What is that guy doing over there? Why's he wearing the same puke-and-crap-colored jersey as me? Is he flashing gang signs at me? Hey, mother(expletive), I don't know who you think you are, but I'll come over there and beat you down with this here bat and these here granite-infused forearms. Hey, punk, you see me over here, looking at you like a raging bull? You see these handlebars? You see these lambchops? I'm-a, I'm-a, I'm-a 'bout ready to break out this beating stick on your old (expletive). Oh, wait. That's my third-base coach. Better get back in the box and hit."

Gene Richards, 1982 Donruss

Jim Kern, 1982 Donruss

Name: Jim Kern
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Whatever you find in this guy's drain
Key 1981 stat: 365 days of growth
Yup, it's another Wiki Entry: This is No. 2 in what is sure to become a much-loved Bust tradition. In this feature, we copy a Wikipedia entry straight from the site, and then change a few key words to make the description better fit the card. Enjoy what is sure to be the literary highlight of your day.
The Kern Wiki Entry (changes in red): Jim Kern Kern County is a baseball player county located in the southern Central Valley of the U.S. state of California. Established in 1949 1866, his beard it extends east beyond the southern slope of the eastern Sierra Nevada range into the Mojave Desert, and includes parts of the Indian Wells Valley, and the Antelope Valley, and has an area nearly the size of New Jersey. From under his hat, the Sierras his sloppy mop the county extends across the floor of the San Joaquin Valley to the eastern edge of the Temblor Range, part of the Coastal Ranges. To the south, his tangled face fuzz the county extends over the ridge of the Tehachapi Mountains. According to the 2000 census, its tick population was 661,645. ... The beard mess county has a large agricultural base and is a significant producer of oil, natural gas and gasps. hydro-electric power, wind turbine power, and geothermal power As of 2009, Kern remains California's top oil-producing beard, county with 81 percent of the state's 52,144 active oil wells. The beard county accounts for one-tenth of overall U.S. oil production, and three of the five largest U.S. oil fields are on in Kern. County Kern is also noted for his its mineral wealth, including gold, borate and kernite. The largest open pit hair mine in California is on at Boron in Kern. County

Jim Kern, 1982 Donruss