John Henry Johnson, 1982 Topps

Name: John Henry Johnson
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 used hair curlers
Key 1981 stat: 185 hours spent in the salon
It's time for a hair-raising pop quiz:

What was the name for John Henry Johnson's hairdo?

(A) The Short-and-Curlies
(B) Curly Sue 'Do
(C) The Moe, Larry and John Henry
(D) Firm Perm That Will Make You Squirm
(E) All of the above

John Henry Johnson, 1982 Topps

Rusty Kuntz, 1982 Topps

Name: Rusty Kuntz
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Rusty Kuntz autograph with the last name misspelled
Key 1981 stat: 162 unusually long autograph lines after games
It's autograph time with Bust favorite Rusty Kuntz:

• "Dear Charlie, yes, that's my real name. Ha ha, you're pretty funny."
• "To Sean: No, I've never met Dick Pole. Why do you ask?"
• "For Nick: Yep, it's my real name, honest. Thanks for asking."
• "To Chris: No, I don't have any sisters. But if I did, yes, I'm sure they'd be real Kuntzes."
• "Dear Isaac, yes, my name is really Rusty Kuntz. You people are so original."
• "Richie, this is a pretty nice glove. Maybe I'll just keep it."
• "For Gordon: Yep, that's my real name. Is that your real face, jerkwad?"

Rusty Kuntz, 1982 Topps

Ron LeFlore, 1982 Topps

Name: Ron LeFlore
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 dead flowers
Key 1981 stat: One bout of lead poisoning from that necklace
Garbage-time pop quiz: Why is Ron LeFlore dressed like the garbage man?

(A) We don't know, and neither does he, judging by the look on his face.
(B) Hey, he had to do something during the '81 strike.
(C) It's not intentional; he's just allergic to every clothing material except plastic.
(D) It beats wearing those old White Sox uniforms.
(E) None of the above

Ron LeFlore, 1982 Topps

Tommy John, 1982 Topps

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's value is fuzzy
Key 1981 stat: Zero revolutionary surgeries
Photos so crisp, it's like you're at the ballpark: Above we see another fine example of that world-renowned Topps quality in the 1980s. But the blurry, washed-out picture on this card had to beat out a handful of other options, one would think      they were probably as follows:

• A blurry photo of Tommy John's windup from the back side
• A blurry photo of Tommy John standing in the dugout
• A blurry photo of Tommy John picking his nose
• A blurry photo of Tommy John's UCL scar
• A blurry photo of some guy named John Thomas
• A perfectly clear photo of Reggie Jackson with Tommy John in the background

Tommy John, 1982 Topps

Denny Martinez, 1982 Topps

Name: Denny Martinez
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 Grand Slam at Denny's
Key 1981 stat: 265 Grand Slams eaten at Denny's by Denny
Denny Martinez's autograph is a bit confusing; here's what it might say:

• Itsa Jesus Party
• Look, jeers patented
• Lardo Chorizo Pastrami
• Latin satin perfection
• Glorious hair helmet of love (in Spanish)
• El Dennis Presidente

Denny Martinez, 1982 Topps

Robin Yount and Pete Vuckovich, 1982 Topps Team Leaders

Names: Robin Yount and Pete Vuckovich
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Shortstop and pitcher
Value of card: 1 can of warm Schlitz
Key 1981 stat: 2 times voted Milwaukee's Sexiest Bachelor (combined)
It's time for an old Milwaukee edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Mustache, boss-ness (Winner: Vuckovich)
Round 2: Mustache, smoothness (Winner: Yount)
Round 3: Mullet, length (Winner: Vuckovich)
Round 4: Mullet, curliness (Winner: Yount)
Round 5: Neck, girth (Winner: Vuckovich)
Round 6: Neck, muscle definition (Winner: Yount)
Round 7: Photo, sharpness (Winner: Vuckovich)

Score: Vuckovich 4, Yount 3

Synopsis: With a couple of brewskis on the line, Vuckovich outlasts the the Hall of Famer with an assist from a (surprise!) competent professional Topps photographer.

Robin Yount and Pete Vuckovich, 1982 Topps Team Leaders

Mario Soto, 1982 Topps

Name: Mario Soto
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Soto? More like so low.
Key 1981 stat: Signed name as "Mario Sota" every third time just to mess with people
Clearing up some rumors about Mario Soto:

• Mario Soto was not angry in the above photo. He was just straining all of his head and face muscles under the weight of all that hair.
• Mario Soto did, in fact, refuse to call his undershirt in this picture a "turtleneck." He instead called it an "afrosweater."
• Mario Soto did not use bobby pins to keep his hat atop his head. He used Superglue.
• Mario Soto did not have a family of robins living in his hair. It was just a single robin who was afraid of commitment.
• Mario Soto did, in fact, use his afro to once catch a line drive. He also used it to catch taxis, trout, the attention of ladies and, one time, the clap.

Mario Soto, 1982 Topps

Terry Francona, Brad Mills, Bryn Smith, 1982 Topps

Names: Terry Francona, Brad Mills, Bryn Smith
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Outfield, third base, pitcher
Value of card: One Canadian penny
Key 1981 stat: All impressed by something off to their right
It's time for a north-of-the-border Matchup:

Round 1: Too manly for actual vowels in first name (Winner: Smith)
Round 2: Too manly for baby blue uniforms (Winner: Mills)
Round 3: Future as a World Series-winning manager (Winner: Francona)
Round 4: Future as Nolan Ryan's record-setting strikeout victim (Winner: Mills)
Round 5: Future as an international mustache-growing competitor (Winner: Smith)
Round 6: Future as an Atrocious Donruss Diamond King (Winner: Smith)
Round 7: Fondness for chicken and beer (Winner: Francona)

Final score: Smith 3, Francona 2, Mills 2

Synopsis: The only man on this card old enough to grow facial hair is also the only man left standing after this futuristic Matchup. Congrats, Bryn; now use your winnings to buy a vowel, eh?

Terry Francona, Brad Mills, Bryn Smith, 1982 Topps

Pascual Perez, 1982 Topps

Name: Pascual Perez
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The bounty of a pirate — a poverty-stricken pirate
Key 1981 stat: 12 games played at a drive-in movie theater
It's time for a signature-edition pop quiz:

What's Pascual Perez's excuse for that signature?

(A) He let a 3-year-old fan sign the card.
(B) He didn't use a pen; he used jheri-curl juice.
(C) That's not his signature; it's part of a radical uniform promotion the Pirates employed in 1981.
(D) Like many a Pirate, arrgh, he had scurvy when he signed this card.
(E) All of the above.

Pascual Perez, 1982 Topps

Chris Chambliss, 1982 Topps In Action

Name: Chris Chambliss
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: First base
Value of card: No
Key 1981 stat: Zero action (from the ladies)
A handful of things that have more action than the above Chris Chambliss card:

• "The English Patient"
• Sitting
• Watching paint dry
• Watching another person watch paint dry
• Beige
• The Jacksonville Jaguars' offense
• This Rollie Fingers card

Chris Chambliss, 1982 Topps In Action

Rick Auerbach, 1982 Topps

Name: Rick Auerbach
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Constant drizzle
Key 1981 stat: Neither related to nor as successful as Red Auerbach
Ten things hidden behind Rick Auerbach's sideburns of destiny:
10) The Space Needle
9) Gaylord Perry
8) Rick's boyish good looks
7) A baseball
6) A baseball glove
5) A baseball stadium
4) One gnarly crop of pimples
3) The world's most striking face tan line
2) The Great and Powerful Oz
1) A whole other set of sideburns

Rick Auerbach, 1982 Topps

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Name: Darrell Evans
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: 0.00732 ounces of ink, the amount used for that third-grade signature
Key 1981 stat: 42 minutes spent Dumpster-diving for his batting gloves
Whoa, big boy: Hey there, Darrell. How you doing? That's an awfully big stick you're, ahem, carrying. You have it positioned so gracefully, so naturally. It's like — gulp — an extension of you. So, um, do you come here often? Huh-huh, not like that. Sorry, we're a bit flustered. You're just so bold, so — gulp — big. What's that? You don't want to brag? Well, you may speak softly, but you definitely carry a big stick. Doing anything after the game?

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp, 1982 Topps Leaders

Names: Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Outfield and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: One lamp that doesn't work
Key 1981 stat: One plate of spaghetti shared, a la "Lady and the Tramp"
It's a Name Hall of Fame Matchup between two Pale Hose:

Round 1: Better name (Winner: Lemon, but only because of "Chet")
Round 2: Resemblance to a walrus (Winner: Lamp)
Round 3: Square acreage of collar (Winner: Lemon)
Round 4: Got more ladies to pucker up (Winner: Lamp, surprisingly)
Round 5: Brighter personality (Winner: Lemon, again, surprisingly)
Round 6: Requisite early-'80s hair helmet (Winner: Lamp)
Round 7: Noise-muffling sideburns (Winner: Lamp)

Final score: Lamp 4, Lemon 3

Synopsis: Dennis Lamp shines at the end to peel the victory away from Chet Lemon. Lemon doesn't look too sour about the whole thing, though      after all, he doesn't have 18 pounds of hair to weigh him down.

Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp, 1982 Topps Leaders

Rowland Office, 1982 Topps

Name: Rowland Office
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for one ticket to "Airplane II: The Sequel" in 1982
Key 1981 stat: Zero attempts to speak French in Montreal
10 things you'll find in Rowland's Office:
10) A stapler for clasping the top of his jersey
9) A ruler, in inches, for measuring things in metric
8) Rubber cement, in case he ran out of Soul Glo
7) A lamp for making sure everyone saw his jheri curl glisten
6) A computer, circa 1982, for doing not much not very fast
5) Tape for attaching his hat to his hair so it wouldn't fly off
4) A keyboard, not for typing, but for playing sweet jams
3) A dictionary, for looking up the three regular words that make up his name
2) Scissors for not cutting his hair
1) A vibrating pen

Rowland Office, 1982 Topps

LaMarr Hoyt, 1982 Topps

Name: LaMarr Hoyt
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One fancy-pants autograph
Key 1981 stat: 14,296 holes in his mesh jersey
LaMarr Hoyt's train of thought, 1:10 to 1:12 p.m., March 7, 1982: "My God, what is that smell? Is that the photographer? I wish he'd hurry up. Wearing all these sets of lapels is hot work, even in March. I sure do look good, though. Who cares if the colors don't match      collars are so in this year. But that stench is driving me crazy! Maybe it's just Florida. Or maybe Morrison's just smoking one of his 'supplements.' Guh, I think I'm gonna barf." (Leans over and dry-heaves, hair falls across his face) "No, that's worse! Wait, is it ... it that smell coming from my hair? Oh, gross! No wonder they've been calling me 'LaMarroma'! OK, that's it, I don't care if it has only been two months, I'm showering tomorrow."

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

LaMarr Hoyt, 1982 Topps

Rollie Fingers, 1982 Topps In Action

Name: Rollie Fingers
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Closer
Value of card: Curve your fingers, touch your thumb and make a circle — that much
Key 1981 stat: 10 fingers on two hands (we think)
Wow! What an action-packed shot; here are some others from Topps' 1982 In Action subset:

• George Brett sitting on the bench, just sitting there
• Mike Schmidt standing near third base, kind of near the base
• Fernando Valenzuela tying his shoe, with the shoe out of the photo's frame
• Andre Dawson asleep in a dark room, so dark you can't see anything
• Kirk Gibson chewing sunflower seeds, though you can't really tell he's chewing them
• Nolan Ryan just standing there, out of focus and butt to the camera, in a shot that looked a lot like the one above

Card submitted by Tyler Kepner

Rollie Fingers, 1982 Topps In Action

Bruce Sutter and Rollie Fingers, 1982 Topps Team Leaders

Names: Bruce Sutter, Rollie Fingers
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals, Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Closers
Value of card: To barbers, priceless
Key 1981 stat: 22,142,861 hairs
It's time for the hairiest edition of The Matchup of all time:

Round 1: Beard (Winner: Sutter)
Round 2: Mustache (Winner: Fingers)
Round 3: Mullet (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Chest hair (Winner: Sutter)
Round 5: Eyebrows (Winner: Fingers)
Round 6: Bangs (Winner: Sutter)
Round 7: Um, hair down there (Winner: No one)

Score: Sutter 3, Fingers 2, Ties 1, Puke 1

Synopsis: A couple of Hair Hall of Famers squared off in The Matchup, and they didn't disappoint, with both proving they're a cut above but Sutter squeaking out a razor-thin victory.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Bruce Sutter and Rollie Fingers, 1982 Topps Team Leaders

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1982 Topps

Name: John B. "Johnny" Wockenfuss
Team: Detroit Tigerfusses
Positions: Catcher, first base and outfield (not all at once)
Value of card: Less wock, more fuss
Key 1981 stat: Still had a better last name than Rusty
Top 10 nicknames for a man named John B. Wockenfuss:

10) Johnny B. Not Goode
9) Old Catcherface
8) Johnny Wock-Me-Amadeus
7) Johnny Get-A-Haircut
6) Johnny Wock-Out-With-Your-Fuss-Out
5) John B. Wockafeller
4) John B. Out-As-Usual
3) Johhny Wockenpuss
2) John B. Wocken-Passed-Ball
1) Jack Wockenfuss

Card submitted by Keith Malloy

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1982 Topps

Bobby Brown, 1982 Topps

Name: Bobby Brown
Teams: New York Yankees, MCA
Positions: Outfield, lead vocals
Value of card: 12 ounces of slime from "Ghostbusters II" set
Key 1981 stat: Two platinum records
10 things this card could lead you to say:
10) "Every Little Step" the photographer took was wrong
9) "Take It Slow" when you burn this card
8) This guy's hair looks like two diseased dogs "Humpin' Around"
7) ... and those teeth are the color of maca-"Roni"
6) "On Our Own" we could have taken a better photo
5) "Good Enough"? No chance
4) "Don't Be Cruel," keep this card to yourself
3) "Thug Lovin'" to do cocaine
2) "We're Back" to vomiting after looking at this guy
1) "My Prerogative": This card is garbage

Bobby Brown, 1982 Topps

Joel Youngblood, 1982 Topps

Name: Joel Youngblood
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Astoundingly little
Key 1982 stat: A meaningless piece of history
A strange, strange man: Joel Youngblood is responsible for one of the oddest feats in baseball history, and it doesn't even have anything to do with the face he's making above. On Aug. 4, 1982, Youngblood became the only player to get hits for two different teams in two different cities on the same day. After Youngblood hit a two-RBI single in the third inning for the Mets in an afternoon game at Wrigley Field against the Cubs, he was replaced in center field and traded to the Expos for a player to be named later. Youngblood hurried to Philadelphia to be with his new team, and hit a seventh-inning single. However, there is little evidence to support the rumor that he took part in a different "doubleheader," this one involving two different prostitutes in said cities on the same day.

Joel Youngblood, 1982 Topps