Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Name: Dwight Bernard
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The clump of hair clogging your shower drain
Key 1982 stat: One side of beard an inch longer than the other
Brewing up a pop quiz: Why is Dwight so unhappy?

A) The team told him he had to start bathing
B) The team told him he had to evict the family of sparrows living in his hair
C) The team told him he had to get bigger glasses
D) The team told him he had to wear baby blue both on and off the field
E) The team told him he could do whatever he wanted      because he was no longer on the team

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Rick Mahler, 1983 Fleer

Name: Rick Mahler
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Rick Mahler-signed baseball (or, zilch)
Key 1982 stat: 621 balls signed (baseballs, sicko)
Selections of Rick Mahler baseball autographs from this signing session:

• "Timmy: You're a huge Braves fan. You might not know this, but I'm a Braves pitcher. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Jenny: Please forgive our intolerably racist mascot logo. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Wes: I'm keeping your ball in my butt pocket for a month or two. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Bobby: I never liked you and your play at third base makes me ill. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Debbie: I saw you at the game. You like this beer-bulge combination? I can tell. I'm in Room 232 at the Holiday Inn. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Johnny: A ballboy actually signed this. Best, Rick Mahler"

Rick Mahler, 1983 Fleer

Jason Thompson, 1983 Fleer

Name: Jason Thompson
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: First base
Value of card: Arrgh, all the bounty you can pull from Davy Jones' locker (Davy Jones being the poorest sophomore from Peabody High School in Pittsburgh)
Key 1982 stat: One blatant attempt to look like the team mascot
Jason Thompson earned a lot of stars; here's what he earned them for:

• Top row, far left: Star for first sports card featuring CNN logo
• Top row, second from left: Star for best Camaro driver's mullet on team
• Top row, second from right: Star for best kiss-up hat choice for future manager Jim Leyland
• Top row, far right: Star for wispiest mustache in National League
• Bottom row, left: Star for not being a star
• Bottom row, middle: Star for worst star symmetry and alignment on team (and when compared with a typical second-grader)
• Bottom row, right: Star for being the mistaken subject of an interview with a rookie CNN reporter who was tasked with getting to the bottom of a story on a brazen ship robbery conducted by seafaring brigands off the coast of Georgia when the Pirates were in town to play the Braves 

Jason Thompson, 1983 Fleer