Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss

Name: Doug Frobel
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 25 cents off a cup of froyo
Key 1983 stat: Bathed twice
People who Doug Frobel got mistaken for:

• Gilligan
• Frederich Frobel, the inventor of kindergarten
• A promising baseball prospect
• Boyfriend material
• Jim Morrison. No, not that one, this one.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss

Dave Engle, 1984 Donruss

Name: Dave Engle
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1983 stat: 1,975 mischievous looks
It's time for a Twin Cities pop quiz:

Why does Dave Engle look so mischievous?

(A) He just filled his teammates' Gatorade bottles with chew spit.
(B) He just mixed Bengay in the sunflower seed stash.
(C) He just put a piece of chewed gum with a bubble on a teammate's hat — and then told his wife he'd cheated on her.
(D) He just got pictured on a baseball card despite barely being a baseball player.
(E) All of the above.

Dave Engle, 1984 Donruss

Ron Kittle, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Ron Kittle
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 months of bird crap found inside a sparrow nest
Key 1983 stat: 20/80 vision
Grab your mace: "Hey baby. Come to this parking lot often? Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. No, no, don't back away. I'm not trying to be creepy. I'm not a serial killer or anything. Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. Do you like my panel van over here? It's really nice inside. You should see it some time. Why are you dialing on your phone? I'm not trying to scare you out of your clothes or anything. Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. Do you like my glasses? All the better to see you with, my dear. Wait, why are you running away? I can be the man of your dreams. Don't you want me haunting your dreams? Wait, come back! (Puts rope, large plastic bag and shovel into the back of van.)"

Ron Kittle, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Dave Concepcion
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 11 flakes of cigarette ash
Key 1983 stat: Zero minutes hanging in a museum
Welcome to Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week: Once again, we'd like to apologize. We've brought you Atrocious Diamond Kings, God-Awful Diamond Kings, Dreadful Diamond Kings, Horrendous Diamond Kings, Disturbing Diamond Kings and Diamond Kings we just had to apologize for. But now, our greatest latest set of Donruss' premier only painted subset: Diamond Kings that are so frightening, they'll haunt your dreams. Enjoy!
Don't fall asleep: You may be getting tired, but we'd stay away from bed. You never know when "Crazy Eyes" Concepcion might be lurking in the shadows, ready to render you unconscious with the chloroform-soaked rag tucked into his batting helmet. Concepcion might have been slick in the field, but he was slicker when covered in the blood of his victims, especially after he wore the "Texas Chainsaw"-style flesh mask pictured above. Consider yourself forewarned: Don't sleep on this Diamond King.

Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Bruce Sutter, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Bruce Sutter
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Closer
Value of card: Three dirty cardinal feathers
Key 1983 stat: Face was never cold
A pop quiz of the artist as a young man: What gave Dick Perez the most trouble while creating this Diamond King?

A) Procuring enough brown paint to do Bruce Sutter's beard justice
B) Getting the homeless man painted in this picture to stand still
C) Tilting the "SL" logo on the hat at just the wrong angle
D) Learning how to draw a person's butt, apparently
E) All of the above

Bruce Sutter, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

George Vukovich, 1984 Donruss

Name: George Vukovich
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The wind through your hair
Key 1983 stat: One perfect photo
George Vukovich's advertisement for Glamour Shots, circa 1984: "Why Glamour Shots? Because you deserve to look your best      forever." (Smiles winningly into camera) "Why Glamour Shots? Because you want to shut up all those people who asked when you were going to get a haircut." (Wind blows through hair) "Why Glamour Shots? Because when else will three layers of clothing make sense?" (Rubs hands over rubber undershirt) "Why Glamour Shots? Because you're tired of everyone asking whether you're related to the clearly uglier Pete Vuckovich." (Makes barf noises) "Why Glamour Shots? Because you're worth it." (Wind blows through mustache)"

George Vukovich, 1984 Donruss

Dave Dravecky, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Dave Dravecky
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three children's drawings, three years after they're drawn
Key 1983 stat: 13 vomit color combinations
"Disturbing" is only the beginning: Oh my god, man! What's happening to you? Look! Look in this mirror, man! Your face ... it's ... it's melting! Your face is melting! Your chin is dropping under your skin into your neck! Your nose is slowly expanding outward! Your eyes are sliding across your face toward the place your ears used to be! For the love of all that's holy! Can someone help this poor guy? Oh, no! Look at his smaller self! Look at what he's turned into! He's ... he's ... faceless! Ah!

Dave Dravecky, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Bob Horner, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Bob Horner
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Third base
Value of card: Neck roll sweat
Key 1983 stat: 219 sunburns
A Christmas present for the kiddies: And now, The Bust presents the classic children's rhyme, "Little Bob Horner."

Little Bob Horner
Was drawn in the corner
By some untalented guy
But Big Bob was livid
His anger was vivid
He punched Perez right in the eye

Bob Horner, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Willie McGee, 1984 Donruss

Name: Willie McGee
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A fall from the ugly tree
Key 1983 stat: Yet to reach full ugliness
Good lord, man: Everyone knows how Willie McGee stole so many bases: He was so ugly, his face slowed down time. But how ugly was he, really?

• Willie McGee was so ugly, when he tried to join an ugly contest, they told him, "Sorry, no professionals."
• He was so ugly, his teammates used his face for batting practice.
• He was so ugly, MLB made him wear a catcher's mask in center field.
• He was so ugly, his wife came to work with him so she didn't have to kiss him goodbye.
• He was so ugly, his face was scored as an error.
• He was so ugly, that when he sat in sand, cats tried to bury him.
• Willie McGee was so ugly, he got suspended for looking at the umpire.

Willie McGee, 1984 Donruss

Neal Heaton, 1984 Donruss

Name: Neal "Heat-On" Heaton

Team: Cleveland Indians

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: The last ounce in a Budweiser can at last call

Key 1983 stat: 24 beers, 24 hours, 24 times in April

Heaton continues to "get his heat on": Before Neal Heaton had a handlebar whiskey stain and a job collecting the Budweiser cans he discarded in Pittsburgh, he was by day pitching for the Indians and by night drinking his weight in the cheapest swill in Cleveland. He enjoyed the lifestyle, but, as can be seen above, it left him a bit disheveled in the morning. He didn't care. He relished the attention baseball brought him and the euphoria brought on by the booze. He even took to wearing a new gold necklace every day indicating how many drinks he had ingested the previous night. The losses piled up alongside the empty bottles and regrets, but Heaton continued on, saying, "Hey, I'm drunk in name only." Then he met a woman, Claire Soberup, who inspired him to leave the booze at the bar and embrace life's easy comforts. Heaton followed his love's lead and indeed found a way to "sober up" and right his life. That is, until they married and she took his last name.

Neal Heaton, 1984 Donruss

Jerry Koosman, 1984 Donruss

Name: Jerry Koosman

Team: Koosman Family Dentistry Sox

Position: Pitcher, underhand

Value of card: $17 softball league registration fee

Key 1984 stat: One pair of shorts, two knee braces worn during Wednesday night games

This type of ball is soft: With company profits sagging and amateur softball leagues rising in popularity, Donruss executives in 1983 came up with a plan out of left field, so to speak. Along with the normal cards of pro players, Donruss included a subset of softball stars from around the nation. Jerry Koosman was one of those softball players. He was the pitcher for the Koosman Family Dentistry Sox of Peoria, Ill., and his dental practice was the team's sponsor. The 58-year-old had mesh home and away uniforms made for the team. The Sox won the Wednesday night Peoria County B-League in 1984, with Koosman going 18-3 with a 22.54 ERA. His team gave him the "Best Molars" award and he bought more pitchers of beer at Spike's Deep Dish after games than anyone else on the team. He hit 64 doubles on the season, all to the same gap between the third and fourth outfielders. He jogged on the bases pretty fast despite two bum knees. All these things made him an obvious choice for the 1984 Donruss Softball Heroes subset.

Jerry Koosman, 1984 Donruss

Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss

Name: Dave Concepcion

Team: Cincinnati Reds

Position: Shortstop

Value of card: Half a tab of acid

Key 1983 stat: One game played in a stadium made of bubble wrap

Focus, focus: Wow, man. I shouldn't have eaten that laced chimichanga, man. Whoa. You see that? Everything's blurry, man. I need to sit down. Holy ... you see that? I'm so stoned, dude. Seriously. Seriously? Seriously. What was in that chimichanga, man. Look at this baseball card. The crowd looks like the aurora borealis. You kidding me? This is good shit. Con-cep-cioooon. Con-cep-cioooon. Huh-huh. Huh-huh. Nothing's in focus, man. Nothing ... except that bulge, man.

Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss

Reggie Jackson, 1984 Donruss

Name: Reggie Jackson
Team: California Angels
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: One torn 1977 calendar
Key 1983 stat: 1,006 face wrinkles
The straw that stirs the mustache: Reggie Jackson earned his most famous nickname, Mr. October, for his World Series heroics, but here are 10 other, lesser-known nicknames for the slugger:

10) Mr. Potato Head
9) Four-Eyes
8) That Guy Who Hits the Home Runs
7) Candy
6) Commander Awesome
5) The Death of Billy Martin
4) The Honey Badger
3) Nancy
2) Squeeze Play
1) The Monster of Mesh

Reggie Jackson, 1984 Donruss