Greg Luzinski, 1984 Fleer

Name: Greg Luzinski
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: A circle
Key 1983 stat: Beard made of 50,000 porcupine spines
The end of an era: Dear readers (yes, all 11 of you), nearly six years ago, we started this little website with one simple goal: to become famous and rich enough that we could quit our jobs. Now, while we did get quoted in the New York Times, that plan hasn't really panned out. Nonetheless, we've had a lot of fun and laughs bringing you some of the most hideous, dated, airbrushed and ridiculous cards we've encountered.

Today's post is No. 2,098      and the last for us here at the Bust. We know that there are thousands more cards out there worthy of skewering, but life has gotten in the way and it is time for the Bust Cup to return to its trophy case. We want to sincerely thank everybody who contributed cards to our site and helped us along the way. We know there are some of you out there who check this page every day, and while we won't be adding new cards, you can view a random post by clicking the button at the top of our sidebar. Not a great consolation, we know, but we're guessing there are a few you've missed over the years.

So, that's all, friends. We leave you with the man who started it all, Greg Luzinski, The Kodiak Brute, grinding away at his shaft for all eternity. Take care.

Greg Luzinski, 1984 Fleer

Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer

Name: Gaylord Perry
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Ace
Value of card: "When I was your age, a pack of baseball cards cost a nickel."
Key 1983 stat: 18 bunions
It's time for a pop quiz from the senior home:

What's Gaylord Perry pointing at?

(A) One of 721 big-league players younger than him.
(B) A photographer who could have worked a bit harder for a better shot.
(C) A producer of "Major League" looking to research the role of Eddie Harris.
(D) Some chump reading a mediocre sports card blog.
(E) All of the above.

Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer

George Brett and Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer Superstar Special

Names: George Brett and Gaylord Perry
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: Third base and old pitcher
Value of card: One pine tar-covered shaft
Key 1983 stat: One of them got really angry
What are George Brett and Gaylord Perry re-enacting?

A) George Brett's famous pine tar incident
B) The incident that earned Perry his first name
C) A scene from the film "Bi-Curious George"
D) A time when it was acceptable for grown men to wear baby blue from head to toe
E) All of the above

George Brett and Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer Superstar Special

Roy Lee Jackson, 1984 Fleer

Name: Roy Lee Jackson
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A few (out-of-tune) notes
Key 193 stat: One national anthem sung, with no more invitations to do so again — ever
Roy Lee Jackson's "Star-Spangled Banner" lyrics, circa 1983:
Jose can you see by Juan's early light,
What so proudly we wailed at "Highlights'" last reading,
Whose broad gripes with spite hard through a perilous fight,
O'er the ram's parts we watched, were so gallantly creaming?
And the rocks and red air, the bombs bursting in glare,
Gave proof to the knight that the hag was still there;
O say how much does that star banner thing weigh,
Over the land of the trees and the home of the Jays.

Roy Lee Jackson, 1984 Fleer

Jay Johnstone, 1984 Fleer

Name: Jay Johnstone
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A slug of beer A beer-soaked slug
Key career stat: Played for 20 years; played more than 100 games in nine of them
Clearing up some rumors about Jay Johnstone's, um, hat:

• Jay Johnstone's hat is not made from the labels of all the beers he drank last night. It's made from the labels of all the beers he drank in the dugout during the game.
• Jay Johstone's hat is not meant to protect him from rainfall. It's meant to protect him from all the things thrown at him by disgruntled Cubs fans.
• Jay Johnstone's hat is not meant to advertise the King of Beers. I mean, they sell these cards to kids, and alcohol is never marketed to kids, right?
• Jay Johnstone's hat does not say "Budweiser" on it. It says "Cubweiser," a brew that was best enjoyed in 1908 and hasn't been anywhere near as good since.

Jay Johnstone, 1984 Fleer

Glenn Hubbard, 1984 Fleer

Name: Glenn Hubbard
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Second base, about to get strangled by a snake
Value of card: 1 square inch of shedded snake skin from 1984
Key 1983 stat: Scared 15,920 children
Nothing to see here: In 1983, the Atlanta Braves went all out to celebrate all-star second baseman Glenn Hubbard's birthday. Before a road game in Philadelphia, the Braves enlisted the help of the Phillie Phanatic, a homeless man in a Barney Rubble costume, the Fleer photography staff, the Eastern Seaboard's best balloon "artist" and a snake handler named Xeres to honor their hirsute teammate. The festivities were going fine until Xeres placed a 12-foot-long boa constrictor on Hubbard's shoulders. The second baseman stood petrified, his beady eyes crying for help while he put on his best smile for the Fleer photographer. But things took a turn for the ugly when the boa mistook Hubbard's sizable beard and hairstyle for another reptile and mated with his face. Both terrified and aroused, Hubbard lost consciousness and had to be revived by the Phanatic, who threw a bucket of confetti on him.

Glenn Hubbard, 1984 Fleer

Rusty Kuntz, 1984 Fleer

Name: Rusty Kuntz ("Something funny?")
Team: Minnesota Twins ("Why ya laughin'?")
Position: Outfield ("Yeah, that's right, 'outfield.'")
Value of card: 2 ounces of rust ("Problem?")
Key 1983 stat: 4,286 flip-outs ("Best for you to leave.")
I'm looking at you: "You lookin' at something? I see ya laughin'. What's so funny, huh? You gots a problem we need to work out? You want to work it out with our fists? You're still smilin'. Hide that smirk, you miserable punk. You lookin' at my shirt? You think this baby-blue bad boy is funny? I didn't think so. You laughin' at my bangs? You better not be laughin' at my bangs. These flowing golden locks drive the ladies crazy. So what's funny, huh, punk? What's so funny? Maybe my memory is getting a little rusty, but I don't remember seeing anything around here that's so funny. My name? What about my name? Wipe that smirk off your face, punk. You're talking to Mr. Kuntz. Mr. Rusty Kuntz."

Rusty Kuntz, 1984 Fleer

Tim Raines, 1984 Fleer

Name: Tim "Rock" Raines
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 grams of "rock"
Key 1983 stat: 7 inches of mustache
Fun Facts about Canada's cultural capital, Montreal, and Tim Raines:

• Montreal's official language is French. Raines once ordered a dish a la carte, then slapped himself for using a French term.
• Montreal is home to the NHL's Canadiens. Raines would never invite a Canadian into his home.
• Montreal, perhaps surprisingly, is known for its jazz. Raines, probably unsurprisingly, was nicknamed "Rock" and hated jazz.
• Montreal became a haven for Americans seeking alcohol during Prohibition. Raines considered his stomach and liver to be havens for alcohol.
• Montreal, as a Canadian city, is second only to Toronto. Raines, as a 1980s base-stealer, is second only to Bust legend Rickey Henderson.
• Montreal is a city with a lot of panache. Raines is a player with a lot of mustache.

Tim Raines, 1984 Fleer

Jerry Augustine, 1984 Fleer

Name: Jerry Augustine

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Positions: Pitcher, rascal

Value of card: Hold on; we'll write it on a clipboard

Key 1983 stat: 1,016 times yelled at by manager

A step below adult behavior: Jerry Augustine was a troublemaker. During games, he'd curl up on dugout steps and take a nap until Brewers manager Harvey Kuenn yelled, waking him from his slumber. Augustine would chew huge wads of tobacco and spit into the Gatorade cooler. He would wear ridiculous bright-blue pants when the rest of the team wore white. He would draw crude pictures of airplanes and boobs on a clipboard instead of tracking pitches. He never cleaned the chew from his mustache or washed his mullet. Augustine always seemed surprised when Kuenn yelled at him, looking back at the skipper with a child's "What did I do?" face. Kuenn spent most his time during games keeping an eye the pitcher and scolding him with trips to "timeout" and by taking away his TV privileges. Finally, the constant scolding became too much for the old manager. He took Augustine out of the rotation and let him doodle on his clipboard during games for the rest of the season. This allowed Augustine to come up with his finest pitch: a blueprint of his Boeing B-17 Flying Bosom Bomber for the Army.

Fun fact: The stain on the top of this card is Augustine's chew spit, raising the card's value to nearly 2 cents.

Jerry Augustine, 1984 Fleer