Mike Laga, 1986 Topps

Name: Mike Laga
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: First base
Value of card: One busted cinder block
Key 1985 stat: 14 dog turds picked up before taking this photo
Here's what Mike Laga stands for:

Made his name in the Detroit backyard baseball circuit
Isn't actually wearing Tigers team gear, just a hat and jacket he bought at Kmart
Knifed by the homeowner whose property he trespassed on for this photo
Exposed pipes and broken cinder blocks      welcome to Detroit!

Lifetime .199 batting average might help explain this photo
After hitting a ball over that fence, Laga made the photographer go and ask for it back
Garbage: Describes both what's on that lawn and Laga's major-league career
At least he's not wearing pink. Yet.

Mike Laga, 1986 Topps

Razor Shines, 1986 Topps

Name: Razor Shines
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Infielder
Value of card: Tetanus
Key 1985 stat: .120 batting average
Not so shiny: Today we present to you Razor Shines, a man who lived life on the edge. He was a sharp dresser who wouldn't be caught dead in short sleeves, let alone cut-offs. Razor was also well-shorn, with a mustache that made the ladies swoon and sideburns so keen they were considered lethal weapons in 17 states and three Canadian provinces. But if there was one slice of life that held Razor back, it was baseball. No matter how hard he tried to hone his skills, he could never pierce the starting lineup. He was dull on the basepaths and his swing was rusty. He spent four years with the Expos, posting a slash line of .185/.239/.198, numbers that hacked off his coach. So it was that in 1987, the inevitable happened: Razor was cut.

Razor Shines, 1986 Topps

Bob Jones, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob Jones
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Outfield, first base
Value of card: Deep in the heart of Texas, it's still worthless
Key 1985 stat: 741 times mistaken for one of the other 1,851,091 Bob Joneses
Here's what Bob Jones stands for:

Blacked out, but only because of his shades
Often said to have his head in the clouds
Background looks like a John Denver song

"Jake and the Fatman" was his favorite show
Only rocked American-themed cummerbunds
Neck seems to have a face on it
Exactly the type of player you want playing OF-1B
Sauntered around town in this pose

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Bob Jones, 1986 Topps

Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob Kipper
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: As much garbage as you can fit in that hat
Key 1985 stat: 365 kips (British slang for naps)
Conversation between a Topps photographer and Bob Kipper during spring training in 1986:
Topps photog: "Hi Bob, we're gonna take some photos      um, you don't have to do the one-knee pose if you don't want to, you know."
Bob Kipper: "Huh? Oh, hey, man. You got any chips? And dip?"
TP: "Hmm, no. I was just going to take your picture. Do you want to stand up?"
BK: "No, man, I'm good. Standing's just so strenuous, you know? It's much cooler staying close to the ground. With the Earth."
TP: "Well, I guess that'll work. Can you open your eyes a little more, though?"
BK: "My eyes are open, man. Wide open. I can see everything, you know?"
TP: "Oh yes, and I can see what you've been up to, for sure. But before a baseball game? That's so nuts."
BK: "Doughnuts? I love doughnuts! Can I have one, man?"
TP: "Um, sure." (Hands Kipper a batting doughnut) "Chew on that for a little while."

Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1986 Topps

Name: Rich "Goose" Gossage
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Closer
Value of card: 11 goose feathers
Key 1985 stat: 28 men beaten up with just a stare
Here's why you shouldn't mess with the Goose:

• His mustache won't even ask Goose before strangling you.
• He wears dope shades so his stare alone doesn't force you into the fetal position with tears streaming down your cheeks.
• He might be the only man alive who could make that nickname sound manly.
• He's Rich, beeyatch.

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1986 Topps

Kent Tekulve, 1986 Topps

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Closer
Value of card: One submarine sandwich
Key 1985 stat: 10, maybe 12 die-hard fans
Let's meet Kent Tekulve's biggest fans:

• That guy sitting way up there in Section 323 in center field, who loves Tekulve's Aviator sunglasses.
• That woman sitting way up there in Section 346 in right field, who raises sidewinder snakes and has fantasies about Tekulve's sidewinder delivery.
• That kid sitting up there in Section 242 in left-center field, who will forever consider Tekulve the standard against which all other tall, gangly athletes will be measured.
• That bullpen catcher sitting down there in center field, who Tekulve once saved in a knife fight in the back of a shady Chinese restaurant after a life-or-death game of backgammon.
• That Topps photographer standing in front of Tekulve, who considers the closer one of the greatest 1980s baseball card subjects of all-time. Of all-time.

Kent Tekulve, 1986 Topps

Ernie Camacho, 1986 Topps

Name: Ernie Camacho
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Wimpy-lookin' pitcher
Value of card: One soiled doll of Ernie from "Sesame Street"
Key 1985 stat: Not very many people came to watch the Tribe, apparently
Don't be intimidated, it's just a pop quiz: What's the most macho thing about Ernie Camacho?

A) That jacket's pretty bulky.
B) Those sleeves are long enough to reach out and strangle you.
C) His mustache only begins to hint at his masculinity.
D) His nose has to be really strong to hold up those glasses.
E) None of the above, or anything else for that matter.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Ernie Camacho, 1986 Topps

Kurt Stillwell, 1986 Topps

Name: Kurt Stillwell
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: This 1986 Topps Kurt Stillwell card is worth as much as two other 1986 Topps Kurt Stillwell cards. Why? Because they're all worthless
Key 1985 stat: 4,213 Bloods gang members who owned this jacket
It's time for a blinding-red pop quiz:

How could there be more red on this card?

(A) Stillwell could be a forever-cursed full ginger rather than a forever-cursed half ginger
(B) The whites of Stillwell's eyes could be red, just like the whites of the eyes of all who looked at this card
(C) Stillwell could have been exposed as a Soviet spy 10 seconds before this photo was taken
(D) More zits.
(E) All of the above.

Kurt Stillwell, 1986 Topps

Rob Deer, 1986 Topps

Name: Rob Deer
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six deer pellets
Key 1985 stat: Four months of hunting season
Hope you're hungry, it's recipe time: Here's how to cook steamed Rob venison

212 lbs. freshly cleaned Rob venison
14 oz. unkempt mullet mane
6 tbsp. bourbon-infused cheeks
4 pinches unseasoned chin
2 tsp. lip sweaters
Dash of pun

Gently rub the freshly cleaned Rob venison until tender. Add dash of pun. Giggle. Combine venison with mullet mane and toss. Add bourbon-infused cheeks, unseasoned chin and lip sweaters. Boil water. Place venison mixture in massive colander and affix loose-fitting lid. Wait. Wait. Wait. When Rob venison is steamed, run away.

Rob Deer, 1986 Topps

Buster Rhymes, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 144)

Name: Buster Rhymes
Team: Minnesota Vikings
Positions: Wide receiver, kick returner
Value of card: Rhymes with "lack spit"
Key 1986 stat: Can't spell "Buster" without "Bust"
Top R&B hits by part-time pro athlete Buster Rhymes:

• "Woo Hah!! Got Me on the Bench"
• "Pass the Gatorade (Part II)"
• "Turn it Over / Fire it Up"
• "(The Ball, I Never) Touch It"
• "What's it Gonna Be?! (An Incompletion)"

Buster Rhymes, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 144)

Jackie Slater, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 126)

Name: Jackie Slater
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Tackle
Value of card: 11 pounds of ram dung
Key 1985 stat: 99-pound head
It's time to "ram home" a pop quiz:

Just how big is Jackie Slater's head?

(A) Zoos used the same helmet to house a family of grey wolves.
(B) When he takes a shower, he has to clean off the orbiting moons.
(C) He was a stand-in for the "Star Wars" production, in place of the Death Star
(D) His neck is earthquake retrofitted.
(E) All of the above.

Jackie Slater, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 126)

Don Aase, 1986 Topps

Name: Don Aase
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Closer
Value of card: 27 butt jokes
Key 1985 stat: Often made batters guess which finger was sticking out of his glove
Grow up, already: Look, if you're hoping for jokes about Don Aase's name, you've come to the wrong place. You're looking for this, or maybe this. Today, we're interested in something much more dignified and mature: Don Aase's mustache. It's obviously something the unfortunately named pitcher is proud of      he's pointing right to it. According to Baseball Reference, that amazing lip-warmer recorded 12 saves and 20 strikeouts all on its own. But more impressively, during the off-season, Aase's mustache volunteered in a soup kitchen over the holidays, making sure Baltimore's needy were fed and warmed. We're with the guy in the ad on the wall in the background: Hats off to you, Don Aase's mustache!

Don Aase, 1986 Topps

Dan Ford, 1986 Topps

Name: Dan Ford
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One empty Colt .45 malt liquor bottle
Key 1985 stat: Made sweet love to all the ladies
Top 10 things Dan Ford was smoother than in 1985:
10) Butter
9) His batting helmet
8) The lenses of his prescription sunglasses
7) Jim Palmer's delivery
6) Billy Dee Williams
5) Cal Ripken Jr.'s swing
4) The backside of the baby he just made
3) A chilled shot of cherry-flavored vodka
2) Earl Weaver's tummy
1) Don's Aase

Dan Ford, 1986 Topps

Kevin Gross, 1986 Topps

Name: "Gross" Kevin Gross

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Position: Pitcher, belly itcher

Value of card: Dead pigeon stuffed in bag, cooked in microwave for four minutes (gross)

Key 1985 stat: Two lenses, one flip

Time for a disgusting pop quiz:

What makes Kevin so gross?

(A) The leftover chewing tobacco that looks like a mustache.

(B) The back hair that has grown to resemble a mullet.

(C) The gaping crevices behind his flip shades.

(D) His last name.

(E) All of the above.

Kevin Gross, 1986 Topps

Mike Morgan, 1986 Topps

Name: Mike Morgan

Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Bulldog eye wrinkle goop

Key 1985 stat: 1,786 hours standing suggestively

So, just what does Mike Morgan stand for?

Manly figure, for a ballet dancer

Ice in his veins; tears in his heart

Kingdome was alive with show tunes when he was on the mound

Ever seen baseball pants so smooth?

Mesh hat for style's sake

Overly sexualized pitching windup

Rear always stuck out for the ladies

Gay men said he could throw them balls anytime

A(nother bad homoerotic joke goes here)

Never mind the backside; wait until you see the front

Mike Morgan, 1986 Topps

Lynn Jones, 1986 Topps

Name: Lynn Jones

Team: Kansas City Royals

Position: Outfield

Value of card: A pouch full of beard trimmings

Key 1985 stat: 11 beatings of people making fun of his name

1986 Topps, you did it again: A classic card from a classic set of a classy dude with a classic woman's name. Wow. This card has it all. It packs about 50 "busts" within its edges, and yet appears simple and straightforward. Forget the puns and lists and other regurgitated crappola you usually find on The Bust. All we need to do is point out the range of awesomeness contained in this card. First, the guy's name is "Lynn." Lynn is a beast of a dude. He appears to always be flexing and looks like he could snap a neck between his thighs. His bulge? It's what you'd expect on such an impressive card: prominent, oblong and dignified. That's not all. Jones rocked a beard that by all accounts was the most "boss" grown by anyone ever named "Lynn." It's no surprise he was listening to a Kenny Loggins' cassette when this photo was taken. Then, of course, there's the glasses. Grandmothers across the nation wore the same pair. We salute you, Lynn and 1986 Topps, for showing us that sometimes perfection can be attained without trying.

Lynn Jones, 1986 Topps

Ozzie Virgil, 1986 Topps

Name: Ozzie Virgil
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One sheet of fake wood paneling
Key 1985 stat: 42,187 beers drank
Who is Ozzie Virgil?
He speaks seven languages — and that's just in one hour.
His charisma hits .323.
His beard has a spot reserved in Cooperstown.
He's seen the seven wonders of the world — including himself.
A pitcher once shook him off. Once.
He increases a home's value just by walking through the front door.
He hits from all five sides of the plate.
His small talk wins debates.
He never strikes out — he just has more important places to be.
He makes wild pitches even wilder.
He is ... the most interesting catcher in the world.

Ozzie Virgil, 1986 Topps

Craig McMurtry, 1986 Topps

Name: Craig McMurtry
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One stick
Key 1985 stat: Zero times blown over
Weight training in Atlanta: At 6-foot-6, 138 pounds, Craig McMurtry was not exactly the most intimidating presence on the mound. Sure, he won 15 games his rookie season, but he also was charged with 7 balks, each coming when he'd get knocked over by a strong gust of wind. The Braves attempted to get McMurtry to eat more, lift weights and put rolls of quarters in his pockets. Nothing really worked — that is, until the team optometrist realized the righty needed glasses. He was fitted with 22-pound lenses and steel frames large enough to hold hamster wheels. McMurtry also took some initiative, adding a bushy handlebar mustache and seven inches of teeth. And while he was never relevant in baseball again, at least he looked good in the bullpen.

Craig McMurtry, 1986 Topps

Surgery, 1986 Topps

Name: Surgery

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Seven ligament fragments

Key 1985 stat: 211 times under the scalpel

Player and procedure become one: The year was 1974, and a young pitcher named Surgery was enjoying a successful season with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Surgery spent the first half of the season mowing down batters, but spent the second half of the season mowed down by an injury. Surgery still had a passion for the game, so he opted for a procedure that had never been tested on a human. The procedure was called "Tommy John surgery," named after the two most generic first names for white Americans. Surgery went under the scalpel, and came out a better pitcher. As can be seen in the card above, Surgery went on to play until age 68, thus paving the way for hundreds of players who regained their form after the Tommy John procedure. Surgery, the man, felt so indebted to the procedure that he took its name as his own.

Fun (true) fact: Tommy John decided to retire in 1989 after 26 major league seasons when he surrendered two hits to Mark McGwire in his rookie season. McGwire's father had been John's dentist years before. When asked about his decision, John said, "When your dentist's kid starts hitting you, it's time to retire."

Surgery, 1986 Topps

Rafael Ramirez, 1986 Topps

Name: Rafael Ramirez

Team: Atlanta Braves

Position: Shortstop

Value of card: Three pine-tar pancakes

Key 1985 stat: Two-hour photo session, one usable photo

Conversation between Topps photographer and Rafael Ramirez, April 17, 1986: "Hey, Rafael. I'm here to take your picture for the 1986 set. (Photographer looks up from notebook at Ramirez for the first time; shiver runs through his body.) Jesus, you're ugly. (pause) Sorry, that was rude. OK, let's get this over with. Now just look in the camera. No, the camera. You're looking into right field. At least one eye is. Look at the camera. The camera. Rafael. Please look at the camera. How do you play this game with eyes like that? OK, forget your eyes for now. Just suck in your gut and close your mouth. Can you understand the words I'm saying? Look at the camera. Suck in your gut. Close your mouth. You're not going to do any of those things, are you? Oh my god, you're kind of looking at the camera. At least with one eye. Fine. Fantastic. We'll go with that. You know, when you're done with baseball, you might want to try modeling."

Rafael Ramirez, 1986 Topps