Andre Dawson, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Andre Dawson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 blue lines, 2 red lines, and 1 teal line
Key 1987 stat: One super alter ego
Is Andre Dawson having a medical emergency? There's no discernible grimacing or lack of muscle control, so that's a good sign. His face isn't melting off, which has happened to more than one Diamond King victim. But that is one giant noggin. Could it be some sort of swelling? More likely, Diamond King Dawson suffers from gigantism. You know, the natural kind, not the Barry Bonds kind.

Andre Dawson, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Andy Van Slyke, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Andy Van Slyke
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six used Band-Aids
Key 1987 stat: Zero times maintaining the area between his eyebrows
Is Andy Van Slyke having a medical emergency? Hmm, let's see. One side of his face definitely appears to be drooping, indicating a possible stroke. Or maybe it's just melting? Either way, that's a bad sign. Then, li'l Andy down there at the right may soon be a victim of a second-degree sunburn. Additionally, the mustache on li'l Andy looks like it's just completely fallen off of big Andy's face. We're pretty sure that might require a trip to the ER. So, yes, please call an ambulance before Mr. Van Slyke keels over.

Andy Van Slyke, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Alan Trammell, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Alan Trammell
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Three paper stripes
Key 1987 stat: Turned a lot of double plays, drank a lot of double bourbons
Alan Trammell, by the numbers:
8: Solid-colored stripes in the background of this oh-so-imaginative card
28: Inches of face in the foreground of this oh-so-nightmarish card
0: Legible markings, either numbers or letters, on the back of li'l Alan's jersey
3: Inches of hair covering Trammell's gigantic left ear
3.5: Inches of dimple in the first of Trammell's chins
10: Degrees that Trammell's nose lists to one side
1: Person who thought this qualified as art (that's right, Perez, we're still mad, no matter what we said earlier!)

Alan Trammell, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six diamonds (playing cards, not gemstones)
Key 1987 stat: 412 children frightened
Baseball's back, and so are Diamond Kings: We're ruining a perfectly good week again. In the past, we brought you atrocious, god-awful and dreadful installments of this famed Donruss series, but we had an idea (just one): Why not focus on Diamond Kings that are more frightening than they are funny? Well, we were mentally exhausted with coming up with our one idea for the week, so we couldn't think of a reason to stop ourselves from bringing you Disturbing Diamond Kings Week. Again, we apologize in advance.
What makes this particular Diamond King so disturbing? Short answer: a lot of things. We can start with Calderon's parents, who appear by his name and his looks to be a Russian soldier and a Puerto Rican yeti. Then, of course, we have Calderon's exploding afro, which we can only imagine covered poor people over a 2-mile radius in Soul Glo juice. And we would be remiss if we didn't mention Calderon's time as a drummer. But perhaps the most disturbing thing on this card — no, not the cockeyed chin or octopus bangs — is the tiny Pete Incaviglia who has taken the place of a tiny Ivan Calderon. Now that's disturbing.

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Bill Long, 1988 Donruss

Name: Bill Long
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A Long ball      for the other team
Key 1987 stat: 80 percent of shirt buttons buttoned
Here's what Bill Long stands for:

Boring name, boring stats ...
Including a career 27-27 record and an earned run allowed every other inning
Lots of flies got caught in that open gob of his
Looks like the photog didn't tell him to say "cheese"

Lopsided mustache a sign of his attention to detail
Once ate 66 barbecued beef ribs in a single sitting ...
Needed to skip his next start after that
Gazing into the distance or developmentally disabled? You decide.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Bill Long, 1988 Donruss

Glenn Hubbard, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Glenn Hubbard
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Second base
Value of card: A shard of porcelain
Key 1987 stat: Silky smooth skin
It's eyes, they follow you everywhere: Everyone is familiar with bobbleheads, the humorous little figurines given away at baseball games each year. But in 1988, the Braves decided to try something different. Inspired by second baseman Glenn Hubbard's cherubic cheeks and miniature arms, the Atlanta marketing team ordered 10,000 porcelain baby dolls fashioned to look like the athlete. The giveaways were a flop, though, as most fans were creeped out by the dolls' staring eyes and wispy mustaches. Things got worse when it was discovered that the curly hair on the figures was a fire hazard      two dozen Atlanta-area families lost their homes to the toys. One of the dolls even came to life and killed seven people. The figures were eventually recalled, but not before a bewildered amateur artist named Perez drew a series of skin-crawling portraits of the keepsakes. One of these paintings found its way into the 1988 Donruss baseball card set, giving children everywhere (and now you, too) nightmares for weeks. Sleep tight!

Glenn Hubbard, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Mike Loynd, 1988 Donruss

Name: Mike Loynd
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 12 pimples
Key 1987 stat: Best bangs this side of the Pecos
Steady your stomachs, it's recipe time: Here's how to cook your very own Mike TenderLoynd.

2 tbsp. Proactiv pimple cream
1 lb. unseasoned horse loin
1 rubber arm
4 oz. ear wax
1 can of Ranch Style Beans
Dash of eyebrow (extra thick)

Rub the Proactiv into one side of the horse loin until it disappears, then beat weakly with the rubber arm. Throw the loin into a dirty pot with the other ingredients, then simmer on medium-low heat for 26 games or until ERA reaches 6.00. Plate and then serve to the opposing team, as they always feast on Loynd.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Mike Loynd, 1988 Donruss

Kal Daniels, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Kal Daniels
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Unreasonable anger
Key 1987 stat: One flash in the pan
It's a mystery: Look, we know what you're thinking. Who the heck is Kal Daniels, and why are laser beams shooting out the back of his neck? So, we did some research, and while we still don't know much about Mr. Daniels' exploits as a baseball player — other than that he apparently was not happy to be selected for the Diamond King set — we believe we know why his neck is spraying beams of light everywhere. The only explanation is that Kal Daniels was actually a cyborg from the future, where he was called K.A.L. 3000. The acronym stands for Kill Aggressors with Lasers, and his primary duty was to use his lethal spine to protect the Space Pope from would-be assassins. No other answer makes any sense.

Kal Daniels, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Ron Darling, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Ron Darling
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Zero diamonds; zero cubic zirconia
Key 1987 stat: 14 ounces of mascara
Welcome, poor souls, to Dreadful Diamond Kings Week: Over the past two years, we've had the guts to bring you Atrocious Diamond Kings Week and God-Awful Diamond Kings Week, but we're not stopping there. Oh, no. As baseball season sweetly swings into gear, it's time for seven days of lousy illustrations and lousier write-ups. Thanks, in advance, for not hunting us down and stoning us to death.

So what makes a Donruss Diamond Kings card "dreadful"? Let's take a look. First, Mr. Darling looks quite darling, what with the eye shadow, mascara and strikingly feminine eyes. His eyes are so seductive, in fact, that it's hard to notice the uneven eyebrows or the nose that looks like it was smashed with a mallet. Next, let's ask an important question about this illustration: Why is a tiny right-handed Tom Glavine throwing a fastball from Darling's shoulder? In closing, what was the esteemed artist, Mr. Perez, trying to accomplish with a background of Cheetos? We're pretty sure this card is cheesy enough.

Ron Darling, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Paul Kilgus, 1988 Donruss

Name: Paul Kilgus
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 10 percent off at Stinky Pete's Novelty Shop
Key 1987 stat: Wore a mop on top of head
Fun facts about Paul Kilgus and his obviously fake mustache:

• Paul Kilgus' ERA in 1987 was 4.13. His mustache retailed for less than half of that.
• Kilgus' career winning percentage was 38.2%. An even smaller percentage of people thought that lipwarmer was real.
• Kilgus had enough curly blond hair to clothe half of Eastern Europe. Yet his mustache was made of polyester.
• According to The Beatles, Paul was the Walrus. Paul Kilgus tried much too hard to look like a walrus.
• The name "Paul Kilgus" sounds kind of gross. And then you see his mustache.

Paul Kilgus, 1988 Donruss

Mike Griffin, 1988 Donruss

Name: Mike Griffin
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 45 gallons of sunscreen
Key 1987 stat: Head zero inches wider than neck
Fun facts about Mike Griffin and his glove, The A200:

• The A200 is an orangish-brown. Mike Griffin's mat of chest hair is, too.
• The A200 has curly laces sticking out of it. Mike Griffin's head has curly red hair sticking out of it.
• The fingers of the A200 blend together almost seamlessly. Mike Griffin's neck blends together almost seamlessly with his head.
• The A200 conceals which pitch is going to be thrown. Mike Griffin's mustache conceals Griffin's pet hummingbird, Larry.
• The A200 is not a very good name for a glove. Mike Griffin was not a very good pitcher.

Mike Griffin, 1988 Donruss

Sammy Stewart, 1988 Donruss

Name: Sammy Stewart
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 cent for every cavity
Key 1987 stat: Two tickets to paradise
It's time for a self-reflective pop quiz:

Hey, Sammy, why are you so happy?

(A) "Gee, I just got back from the barber and I love my matching unibrow and mustache."
(B) "I'm trying to look like the Indians' racially insensitive mascot. Thanks for asking, though."
(C) "You won't believe how much fried chicken I just ate. Yum, there's still some in my teeth."
(D) "I'm unaware of the tragic, disgusting turn my life will take in about two years! Yeah!"
(E) "With a name like 'Sammy Stewart,' you just gots to smile!"
(F) All of the above.

Sammy Stewart, 1988 Donruss

Garth Iorg, 1988 Donruss

Name: Garth Iorg
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: 1 Czech Republic Koruna (0.0553 U.S. dollar)
Key 1987 stat: 17 blue jays kept in his studio apartment
Time for a foreign pop quiz:

With a name like Garth Iorg, where does this second baseman hail from?

(A) Brno, Czech Republic
(B) The planet Grachevka, where the inhabitants' skin is mesh
(C) The Iorg 2B nebula, home of Garth light-hitting infielder cyborgs
(D) Arcata, Calif.
(E) None of the ... um, actually, it's D. Who would have thought?

Garth Iorg, 1988 Donruss

Tommy John, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: Pitcher, surgery name
Value of card: Zero diamonds
Key 1987 stat: 10 surgeries
It's that time again: Last year, we here at The Bust brought you Atrocious Diamond Kings Week. The response was so huge — we got at least a dozen hits that week — we decided to bring it back in 2011, with a bunch of not-so-fresh faces. So, grab your pine tar and get ready to smear it all over your computer screen when you see a new "god-awful" Diamond King each day this week.

10 kinds of surgery Tommy John should have gone through, as indicated by this card:
10) Life-saving surgery to remove the giant growth protruding from his neck
9) Tattoo-removal surgery to get rid of the inked-on pinstripes on his chest
8) Dental surgery to give him a few more on the left side of his mouth
7) Hat surgery, because something needs to be done about that
6) Skin surgery to give him even pigmentation, rather than the color wheel seen above
5) Brain surgery to cure the epilepsy given to anyone, including himself, who saw the rainbow behind him
4) Plastic surgery to add 11 more wrinkles to the right side of his face, to even out the sides
3) Experimental surgery to remove his tiny Siamese twin brother from his shoulder
2) Not so much a surgical operation, but more of a haircut to get rid of those hideous bangs
1) Tommy John surgery to remove him from this god-awful Diamond King

Tommy John, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Dennis Eckersley, 1988 Donruss

Names: Dennis Eckersley, Dennis Eckersley's mustache

Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Closer, mustache
Value of card: The hair from a clogged drain
Key 1987 stat: Three inches of handlebar
Fun facts about Dennis Eckersley and his mustache:

• Dennis Eckersley had a 3.03 ERA in 1987. His mustache had a 9.3 rating in Mustache Fancy Magazine.
• Eckersley had a posse made of his teammates. His mustache had a posse made of his mullet.
• Eckersley K'd batters. His mustache slayed the ladies.
• Eckersley has a dumb look on his face in this photo, but his mustache always looked smart.
• There's nobody in the stands behind Eckersley in this photo. That's because everyone had circled around for a view of his lip warmer.
• Eckersley was born Oct. 3, 1954. His mustache was born two days later.

Dennis Eckersley, 1988 Donruss

Roger McDowell, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: New York Mets
Position: Closer, jerk
Value of card: Jack squat
Key 1987 stat: 129,031 insults of teammates
Catching heat: Roger McDowell must have majored in being a jerk at Lasorda University. When Donruss came around to take its photos for its 1988 set, McDowell stole one of catcher Gary Carter's mitts and promptly took a squat. "Hey guys, look at me! I'm Gary Carter. Did you guys know I only batted .235 last year? And that I'm fat and slow and stupid?" McDowell went on, saying unfortunate things about Carter's wife and questioning his masculinity in about 20 different ways. The cameramen were uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as McDowell after an irate Carter ran over and stretched the mitt over the closer's face.

Roger McDowell, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Brad Komminsk, 1988 Donruss

Name: Brad Komminsk
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Outfield, designated hitter
Value of card: One VHS copy of "The Tonight Show" that aired Feb. 23, 1997
Key 1987 stat: 40 square feet of jowl
Top 10 things Brad Komminsk could do with that jaw:
10) Host a late-night talk show
9) Provide an African village with shade
8) Generate 5,000 watts of electricity just by chewing
7) Grow a beard large enough to challenge Jeff Reardon's
6) Cut it in half and donate it to some poor, jawless bastard
5) Plant shrubs on it
4) Protect humanity by deflecting asteroids
3) Store a metric ton's worth of acorns for winter
2) Stuff it with enough chew to kill Bigfoot
1) Inspire a cartoon character

Brad Komminsk, 1988 Donruss

Joe Carter, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Name: Joe Carter
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Five bats
Key 1989 stat: 162 theft charges
Playing dirty: The 1987 Cleveland Indians were terrible. At 61-101, they only added to the stink in Cleveland. The team would have caused its fans to drown themselves in the Cuyahoga River — if it hadn't already been on fire. Interim manager Doc Edwards realized he had to do something to even the playing field. Steroids didn't work. Spitballs didn't either. Edwards was forced to resort to stealing — stealing bases, stealing signs, even stealing the opposition's equipment. Above we see big, bruising Joe Carter making off with a handful of bats from the Minnesota Twins' dugout. By gametime, Cleveland's opponent often was forced to make an emergency run to Big 5 Sporting Goods just to have enough cleats and jocks to take the field. It made no difference; the Indians were still terrible, and Edwards was sentenced to community service at season's end. And a remorseful Carter spent the rest of his career treating other players like they were his own children.

Bonus: You gotta love the shorts-and-fanny-pack combo on the guy climbing the stairs in the background.

Joe Carter, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Mickey Brantley, 1988 Donruss

Name: Mickey Brantley
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Outfield, enforcer
Value of card: One stink eye
Key 1987 stat: None of your damn business
Pop quiz, hot shot:

Why is Mickey Brantley so mad?

(A) You've been talkin' trash about his mama
(B) Donruss obscured the team logo on his jersey with the team's logo
(C) Somebody hid his Highlights magazine collection
(D) That Harold Reynolds is such a jerk!
(E) Two words: Jock itch

What happened after this photo was taken?

(A) An overly aggressive game of pepper
(B) An awkward apology, followed by a beautiful friendship
(C) $800 in hospital bills and two gold teeth
(D) A staring contest
(E) Tears, and lots of them

Mickey Brantley, 1988 Donruss

Rance Mulliniks, 1988 Donruss

Name: Rance Mulliniks
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Third base
Value of card: One enormous Adam's apple
Key 1987 stat: 310 aliases
What's in a name: The wordsmiths here at Baseball Card Bust considered inventing a story about Rance Mulliniks' oversize eyeglasses, oversize ears or oversize Adam's apple. Instead, we realized that "Rance Mulliniks" is not actually a name. We attempted to analyze this seemingly random collection of letters, but quickly tired and decided to come up with humorous anagrams instead. Here are some of them: Canine Kills Rum; Unmanlier Slick; Unclean Milk Sir; Secular Milk Inn; Criminal Elk Sun; Manic Nurse Kill; Mink Urine Calls.

Rance Mulliniks, 1988 Donruss