Todd Christensen, 1988 Topps (Football Friday No. 221)

Name: Todd Christensen
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Tight end
Value of card: It's value is the equivalent of picking up one yard on fourth down and 10
Key 1988 stat: 217 meaningful stares
It's a north-of-the-neck Matchup, featuring Todd Christensen's mustache and hairdo:

Round 1: Plushness (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Curliness (Winner: Hairdo)
Round 3: Greasiness (Winner: Hairdo)
Round 4: More food stuck in it (Winner: Hairdo, actually)
Round 5: Respectability (Winner: Mustache)
Round 6: Makes the ladies swoon (Winner: Neither)
Round 7: More befitting the Raider Way (Winner: Mustache)
Round 8: Helps prevent concussions (Winner: Hairdo)

Final score: Hairdo 4, Mustache 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Christensen's mustache stood tall, but not nearly as tall as his curly pseudo-fro, which we're sure Todd in no way regrets at all.

Todd Christensen, 1988 Topps (Football Friday No. 221)

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Names: Phil Niekro, Joe Niekro
Teams: Cleveland Indians, Minnesota Twins
Positions: Aces
Value of card: That brutal crease makes it worth twice as much
Key 1987 stat: 151 whippersnappers tossed off their lawns
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Older than dirt (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Survived the depression (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Memories of baseball cards in tobacco pouches (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Reputation as a silver fox (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Penchant for eating dinner at 4 p.m., game or not (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Experience playing against Ty Cobb (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Ready to punch you in the face for making fun of his age (Winner: Phil Niekro)

Score: Phil Niekro 1, Joe Niekro 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: As you'd expect, this was a close contest, with two brothers of advancing years going toe-to-toe. But, in the end, Phil Niekro's punch-happy attitude overcame the Twin on this card.

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Mike Schmidt, 1988 Topps

Name: Mike Schmidt
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: Rhymes with "Schmidt"
Key 1987 stat: One all-star hair helmet
Can't beat a classic: Ahh, the 1988 Topps set. In addition to boasting top-notch photography and high standards of quality (*cough*), it's clear that the good people behind '88 Topps also had a creative side. Or maybe they were just color blind. Purple and green as the base colors for the Phillies? Why not? Pink and yellow for the Dodgers? Terrific! Green and orange for the Expos? Sounds great. Red and blue for the Angels? Absolu     oh, wait, that actually is correct. Carry on, then.

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

Mike Schmidt, 1988 Topps

Mark Clayton, 1988 Topps Mini Super Star (Football Friday No. 186)

Name: Mark Clayton
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Mark Clayton's 1988 salary, times 0
Key 1988 stat: Didn't usually come up this small in a game
Ten things about this card that are even smaller than its physical size:

10) Its quality
9) The number of children who wanted it in their collections
8) The amount of thought that went into it
7) The amount of useful information on it
6) The chances it wasn't thrown directly in the garbage
5) Its nostalgic value
4) Its aesthetic value
3) Its entertainment value
2) Its monetary value
1) Itty-bitty Mark Clayton, who's trying desperately to get off this piece of junk

Mark Clayton, 1988 Topps Mini Super Star (Football Friday No. 186)

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Topps

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three pieces of discarded rubber
Key 1987 stat: 212 times called "Ivan the Terrible" by the Chicago media when he was in a slump
Time for a Windy City pop quiz:

What the hell is Ivan Calderon wearing under his mesh jersey?

(A) The garbage bag usually used to store the team's soiled jockstraps
(B) A new, improved mesh — without any holes
(C) The Batsuit
(D) He's not wearing anything; that's body hair less ridiculous than what's on his face
(E) None of the above

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Topps

Dave LaPoint, 1988 Topps

Name: Dave LaPoint
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two airbrush strokes
Key 1987 stat: One indefinable letter on his hat
All right, it's time to get to the LaPoint:

• He buttoned his uniform like he was a LaPriest.
• He smiled like he was wearing LaDentures.
• He wore a hat because he rarely got a LaHaircut.
• He bent his hat bill like he was LaHomeless.
• He took portraits inside a LaPrison.
• He was direct in his conversations and always got to LaPoint.

Dave LaPoint, 1988 Topps

Bob James, 1988 Topps

Name: Bob James
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Free shower at a truck stop
Key 1987 stat: Scariest facial hair in the Great Lakes region
Here's what Bob James stands for:

Bob didn't much believe in personal hygiene
Odor coming from his hair smelled vaguely of compost
Belt? Cummerbund? Either way, it didn't do a good job of holding up his pants

Just because this shot was taken in a park, doesn't mean he's homeless ...
Actually, yeah, he is homeless
Maybe he's just doing a bad imitation of the Kodiak Brute, Greg Luzinski
Every woman likes a guy with bad posture and a gut, right ladies?
Strikeout rate went way up when batters were downwind from him

Bob James, 1988 Topps

Andy McGaffigan, 1988 Topps

Name: Andy McGaffigan
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Being an Expos fan watching the Nationals win the NL East
Key 1987 stat: Zero splinters from the fake wood paneling behind him
Andy McGaffigan      the good, the bad and the ugly:

Good: Spiffy 3.38 career ERA; a mustache that Sam Elliott would be proud of
Bad: Bouncing around between six teams in 11 years; not having teeth
Ugly: Well, just look at the poor bastard

Andy McGaffigan, 1988 Topps

Domingo Ramos, 1988 Topps

Name: Domingo Ramos
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Infielder
Value of card: 6 ounces of El Glo de Soul (Latin-themed version of the popular Soul Glo)
Key 1987 stat: 14 sticks of eye black used (under eyes and in hair)
Domingo Ramos is a long name, so his teammates came up with nicknames. Here they are:

• Lunes Ramos
• Martes Ramos
• Miercoles Ramos 
• Jueves Ramos
• Viernes Ramos
• Sabado Ramos
• Sunday Ramos

Domingo Ramos, 1988 Topps

Jimmy Key, 1988 Topps

Name: Jimmy Key
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A single tear
Key 1987 stat: Forever alone
Jimmy Key's train of thought from 7:21 to 7:24 p.m., April 23, 1988: "Hey, how come nobody wants to sit with me? Guys? I don't have a no-hitter going, you know. You wouldn't be jinxing anything. ... What, is it my plastic second-layer shirt? I know it makes strange noises, but that's not actually me farting. See, look. (rubs plastic shirt material together) Ha-ha, it sure sounds like it though. That's funny. ... But seriously, guys, come on. I just want some company. We can talk about whatever you want. Or we don't have to talk at all. You can just ignore me, pretend I'm not even there, like my wife does. ... No one? Not even if I warm up the seat with my hand? Aw, this sucks. I knew I should have showered this week."

Jimmy Key, 1988 Topps

Randy Ready, 1988 Topps

Name: Randy Ready
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Infielder
Value of card: Get "ready" for it — nothing!
Key 1987 stat: 16 real padres beaten with his "faith stick"
Ready? It's time for another pop quiz:

So, what was Randy "ready" for?

(A) Bulge contests.
(B) Swing Like an Idiot Day
(C) The Short Leg Finals.
(D) The bench.
(E) The Name Olympics.
(F) Another losing Padres season.
(G) All of the above.

Randy Ready, 1988 Topps

Astros Leaders, 1988 Topps

Names: Kevin Bass, at left, and Billy Hatcher
Team: Houston Astros
Positions: Outfielders
Value of card: 50 cents off a new printing press for Topps
Key 1987 stat: Led the way to mediocrity
Are you ready to rumble? Too bad, we're doing a Matchup anyway.

Round 1: Fishy name (Winner: Bass)
Round 2: Fishier eyebrows (Winner: Bass)
Round 3: 3-inch-thick mustache (Winner: Bass)
Round 4: Hit .300 at some point in his career (Winner: Bass)
Round 5: Hit on more ladies at Houston-area tavern The Rusty Rocket (Winner: Bass)
Round 6: Happier to be touching his teammate's shoulder (Winner: Bass)
Round 7: Looks like a normal human being (Winner: Hatcher)

Final score: Bass 6, Hatcher 1

Synopsis: The 1987 Houston Astros finished 10 games under .500, but Kevin Bass still manages to walk away a winner in this Matchup. Hatcher swipes a late category to avoid the sweep, but in the end Bass's victory was even more dominant than his lip-warmer.

Astros Leaders, 1988 Topps

Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps 1000 Yard Club (Football Friday No. 128)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1,000 nothings
Key 1987 stat: 1,000 something
Let's take a look at Jerry Rice, by the numbers:

1,000: Yards receiving
1,000: Dollars spent on helmet visors
1,000: Card insert designs better than this one
1,000: Children who could have come up with a more sophisticated idea
1,000: Seconds put into this card's border illustration
1,000: Reasons never to buy a pack of 1988 Topps football cards

Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps 1000 Yard Club (Football Friday No. 128)

Kent Tekulve, 1988 Topps

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: About as much as its nutritional value
Key 1987 stat: Enough baby blue to open a day care center
Clearing up some rumors about Kent Tekulve:

• Tekulve did not have an epileptic fit every time he pitched. He did have one while watching "Tron," however.
• Tekulve's stirrups did, in fact, go all the way up.
• Tekulve was not the inventor of the derp face. He just mastered it.
• There is, in fact, a correct way to pronounce Tekulve's last name. We just don't know what it is.
• Tekulve's milkshake did, indeed, bring all the boys to the yard. But they were definitely not, like, "It's better than yours."

Card submitted by Keith Malloy

Kent Tekulve, 1988 Topps

Jim Breech and Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 98)

Names: Jim Breech and Jerry Rice
Teams: Cincinnati Bengals™ and San Francisco 49ers™
Positions: Kicker and wide receiver
Value of card: 6 grains of rice
Key 1987: Lots and lots of scoring, if you know what we mean
It's time for what's sure to be a lopsided edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Career points (Winner: Rice)
Round 2: NFL records (Winner: Rice)
Round 3: Super Bowl victories (Winner: Rice)
Round 4: Hall of Fame inductions (Winner: Rice)
Round 5: Wealth accumulated (Winner: Rice)
Round 6: Loving relationships (Winner: Rice)
Round 7: Personal satisfaction after retirement (Winner: Rice)
Round 8: Probability of living into old age (Winner: Rice)
Round 9: Size 5 shoe (Winner: Breech)

Score: Rice 8, Breech 1

Synopsis: As usual, Rice dominated the competition. He won in all the major categories, barely breaking a sweat. But the Hall of Famer couldn't win the final round, when Breech squeezed his tiny size 7 kicking foot into a size 5 shoe because he thought it gave him better accuracy to get the ball between the uprights. Speaking of getting things "between the uprights," did we mention Rice scored a lot more than Breech?

Postscript: Wow, 100 Football Fridays. To think, when Football Fridays started the Internet didn't have nearly as much crap clogging it up. It has been a long trek, but don't expect the self-serving slop to stop focusing on the big guys in pads and helmets. Hut, hut ... hurl.

Jim Breech and Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 98)

Kevin Mitchell, 1988 Topps

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Not enough to buy a song off iTunes
Key 1987 stat: Thugged it up, apparently
What the ...: We're not entirely sure what the deal is here, but Topps apparently airbrushed this photo to make Kevin Mitchell look like a rapper from the Dirty South. This got us thinking, if Mitchell did cut a CD with Lil Jon, what would some of the tracks be called?

10) "In Da Outfield"
9) "I Like Dem Ball Girlz"
8) "Power Sluggaz"
7) "Crunk Bat"
6) "Will Clark Ain't (expletive)"
5) "Don't Need No Glovez"
4) "Stealin Bases and Money"
3) "Shawty Can't Pitch"
2) "(Expletive) Da Umpires"
1) "Giantz of da ATL"

Kevin Mitchell, 1988 Topps

Bob Walk, 1988 Topps

Name: Bob Walk
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: That ketchup stain on the card
Key 1987 stat: One hazy winter
It's the return of The Caption: "Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Bob Walk arrives at spring training Monday looking rather disheveled. Walk spent the offseason touring with his band, Ball Five, which opened for The Rolling Stones, Lou Reed and Iggy Pop. When asked whether he had been tempted to try any narcotics while on tour with the rock legends, Walk turned his hollow gaze turned to the camera, grunted sleepily and drooled."

Bob Walk, 1988 Topps

Don Aase, 1988 Topps

Name: Yes, it's the legendary Don Aase

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: The back end of a dead mongoose

Key 1987 stat: 47,000 mispronunciations of name

What's in a name? OK, OK. So Don Aase's name isn't even that close to the slang spelling of the world's funniest body part, but, as kids, tens of thousands of red-blooded Americans sure thought it was. He was the Aase Man, the Dumb Aase, that Stinkin' Aase. To the kids, Aase had a hole in his delivery, he often needed a wipe and, sometimes, he asked for a good chewing out. Aase was known to have a wild hair stuck somewhere and was said to be proud of the middle name "Jack." And, of course, he sometimes couldn't tell himself from his elbow. Sure, it was easy for kids of the 1980s and early 1990s to make fun of Don Aase, but here at The Bust, we would never make this great athlete and honorable human being the butt of any jokes.

Don Aase, 1988 Topps

Charlie Kerfeld, 1988 Topps

Name: Charlie Kerfeld
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Reliever
Value of card: Two noogies
Key 1987 stat: Kept jacket zipped at all times to hide man boobs
Nerd alert: Poor old Charlie Kerfeld never really fit in. He was a pitcher, but his fastball was so slow it looked like it was moving backward. No one ever told him you were supposed to spit out the chew. He grew a mullet like the rest of the 1980s ballplayers, but it really just looked like a dead ferret. He heard earrings were gaining popularity, but he only had enough money to put a lead fishing weight in his piercing. He wore a jacket to cover up his girth, but never learned how to pop his collar. So, for all us other misfits and outcasts, we say to you, Charlie Kerfeld: Nice glasses, loser!

Charlie Kerfeld, 1988 Topps

Donnie Moore, 1988 Topps

Name: Donnie Moore
Team: California Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two ounces of broken cinderblock
Key 1987 stat: Zero jackets removed
Time for a ponderous pop quiz:

Where is Donnie Moore sitting in this photo?

A) That Turkish prison the pilot in "Airplane" was talking about
B) Some sort of makeshift sauna, only instead of sweating from steam, everyone just wears heavy jackets
C) The Fortress of Solitude
D) Big Dave's Cinderblock Supercenter
E) Fashion prsion

Donnie Moore, 1988 Topps