David Cone, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: David Cone
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One piece of sugar cone, picked up off the floor
Key 1988 stat: 14 times yelled at Keith Hernandez to stop farting so much
Is David Cone having a medical emergency? David is definitely pale in this image; in fact, he may be an albino. But that's a lifelong condition, not really a medical emergency. The back of his hair appears to be streaming into the New York sky, but that could just be an optical illusion caused by his supersonic speed. What's more concerning is that he looks like he's attempting to speak, but unable to fully open his mouth. I think what we've got here is a classic case of lockjaw. Better get to the ER, buddy; you don't want to mess with tetanus.

David Cone, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Jeff Montgomery, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jeff Montgomery
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Closer
Value of card: A fifth of Winner's Cup Vodka
Key 1988 stat: 387 evil stares
It's time for a hateful pop quiz:

What has made Jeff Montgomery so angry?

(A) He's enraged about being named after the capital of Alabama.
(B) He's furious about having a unibrow when he scrunches his face in fury.
(C) He's outraged about being associated in any way with Donruss.
(D) He's irate about being pictured with a scowl on his face even though he's a happy-go-lucky chum.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Jeff Montgomery, 1989 Donruss

Dickie Thon, 1989 Donruss

Name: Dickie Thon
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 2 stretched-out stirrups
Key 1988 stat: 76 bunt attempts
Here's what Dickie Thon stands for:

Didn't mind being called "Dickie," which is awesome.
In terms of bulge, this guy led the Padres.
Chuckles over his name were common.
Kind of looked like that waiter at the Italian restaurant.
Inside the clubhouse, he played "The Thon Song"
Even his wife couldn't get those stirrups off him.

Thought he was playing pool when he got in the batter's box.
Held the bat like a real pro when bunting.
Only player on the Padres who liked the 1980s uniform colors.
Never met an extra-large cup he wouldn't wear.

Dickie Thon, 1989 Donruss

Jose Canseco, 1989 Donruss 40/40 Club

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 40/40 = 1 cent
Key 1988 stat: 40 (yup, just 40)
Some of the 40/40 clubs that Jose Canseco belonged to:

• 40 home runs / 40 stolen bases
• 40 ounces of mullet / 40 hats to cover mullet
• 40 yellow jerseys / 40 A's fans blinded by yellow jerseys
• 40 pieces of jewelry / 40 cents spent on vending machine jewelry
• 40 times mistaken for Ozzie Canseco / 40 times mistaken for a decent human being
• 40 holes in 5 square inches of mesh jersey / 40 holes in many of his drugs-in-baseball stories

Jose Canseco, 1989 Donruss 40/40 Club

Tony Pena, 1989 Donruss

Name: Tony Pena
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: It's worth so little you have to throw a quarter in the garbage every time you look at it
Key 1988 stat: 20-20 vision (when wearing the world's biggest and thickest glasses)
Let's meet Tony Pena: This is Tony Pena, a catcher for the St. Louis Cardinals. He's a good guy and — oh my god, Tony, run! There's a giant red blob crawling on you! It's moving up your neck, trying to eat your face! Try to push it down! Try to pull it off! It's hideous, Tony, it's hideous! It's huge! It's a monstrosity! It has already consumed your neck and is making its way for your chin! Run, Tony, run! Oh, lord! Someone help him! Someone, please!

Tony Pena, 1989 Donruss

Vince Coleman, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Vince Coleman
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: No clue; it's stolen
Key 1988 stat: 498 firecrackers lit
Here's what Vince Coleman stands for:

Vroooooom!
In a jiffy he ran; in a jiffy he got forced off teams
Never paid attention to coaches' signs; paid attention to women's signs
Caught stealing? Sure, but not on the field
Energy to steal bases only eclipsed by energy to comb mustache

Catchers had a hard time throwing him out; his parents, not so much
Outfielder with dentures, a wraparound 'stache and a penchant for playing "Rush"
Lots of random shapes behind this speedster, yet no diamond on a Diamond King
Ear flaps on both sides of the helmet? Apparently he's a Little Leaguer
Man of Steal? Sorry, nickname's taken
Accelerated with ease on field; accelerated too fast with the ladies
NASA could have used his speed, circa 1985

Vince Coleman, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Mark Grace, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Mark Grace
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: First base
Value of card: Each diagonal line represents 1 cent the card is worth
Key 1988 stat: 108-year championship drought
It's time for a pop quiz with a bit of a curse:

What name could "grace" this card and better reflect the illustration?

(A) Mark Ineptitude
(B) Bark Face
(C) Please Erase
(D) Marks Replace
(E) Grace Jones
(F) Mark Disgrace
(G) All of the above

Mark Grace, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Tony Gwynn, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Tony Gwynn
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One terrible Christmas present
Key 1988 stat: Sixth full week of Donruss Diamond Kings brought to you by The Bust
Welcome to Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week: Let us start by saying we're sorry. We know we've nearly drowned our nine readers with Diamond Kings over the years, yet we're bringing you more, just in time for the holidays. So, following in the cleat marks and paint splotches of Atrocious Diamond Kings Week, God-Awful Diamond Kings Week, Dreadful Diamond Kings Week, Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week and Disturbing Diamond Kings Week, we offer you, with our heads hung low, Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week.
Not quite induction worthy: Tony Gwynn was a Hall of Famer. This card was not. While the Hall stands for all that is right with the game, this card stands for all that's wrong with sports card illustrations. From Gwynn's crooked hat to Gwynn's crooked mustache to Gwynn's crooked neck to Gwynn's crooked eyes — well, we're sensing a trend here. But we understand, when there's an exploding star right behind you, things can get a bit out of whack.

Tony Gwynn, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Jerry Reed, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jerry Reed
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 shots of saliva, poured into 11 shot glasses, all warmed in microwave
Key 1988 stat: Zero athletic-looking wind-ups over the course of the season
It's time once again for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Seattle Times in 1989: "Jerry Reed of the Seattle Mariners mimics a legitimate pitcher for a few laughs from fans off to the side of an actual baseball game while sticking out his tongue in an attempt to pretend he was concentrating on his wind-up, though it was obvious to anyone watching that the only thing he was concentrating on was looking as ridiculous as possible, on Wednesday at the Kingdome in Seattle."

Jerry Reed, 1989 Donruss

Gerald Perry, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Gerald Perry
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: First base
Value of card: One of those blue arrows, jabbed in your eye
Key 1988 stat: Name was still better than "Gaylord"
Yep, that's disturbing all right: Gah, we can't even look at this card for very long. Maybe it's the way Perry's right eye points down while his left eye points up. Maybe it's the way the "A" on his hat is pointed right at us even though the hat brim is clearly cocked slightly to one side. Or maybe it's the rape stare that our friend Perez made Gerald Perry wear. Whatever it is, we're going to go huddle under our blankets until you move on to the next card. Hurry!

Gerald Perry, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Rick Reuschel, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Rick Reuschel
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: What's the opposite of "giant"?
Key 1988 stat: 2,218 times called "Big Daddy"
Egads! Another disturbing Diamond King: Uh, hey, Rick. What are you staring at? No, we didn't call you fat. What's that? You're a bit sensitive about having the nickname "Big Daddy"? Well, we're sorry. We didn't make it up. We don't think you're overweight. You're a heckofa pitcher. You have more than 200 wins. Um, why do you keep staring at us? Say something, Rick. Say something. What's that? What are you whispering? Why, yes, Rick, we, ah, love your grandma's quilt. Thanks for bringing it and hanging it behind you. Now can you quit staring at us, please?

Rick Reuschel, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Tom Henke, 1989 Donruss

Name: Tom Henke
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Closer
Value of card: Contempt
Key 1988 stat: One grudge held against the Bust
Impenetrable padding: What is Tom Henke hiding under that jacket?

A) 215 pounds of mean ol' country boy
B) 215 pounds of ham radio equipment
C) 215 pounds of insulation
D) 215 pounds of the finest Canadian porno
E) 860 pounds of all of the above

Tom Henke, 1989 Donruss

Miguel Garcia, 1989 Donruss

Name: Miguel Garcia
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two used rubber bands for braces
Key 1988 stat: Three retainers broken
Conversation between Miguel Garcia and a Donruss photographer, circa March 1989:
Miguel Garcia: "Hello, I am Miguel Garcia."
Donruss photographer: "Howdy. Good to meet you. Let's take two minutes to get some good shots."
MG: "OK. You will make me look good?"
DP: "Yes, sir. OK. One, two, three. Smile."
MG: (stares at photographer with the same look as seen above)
DP: "No, smile."
MG: (stares at photographer with the same look as seen above)
DP: "No. Open you mouth and show your teeth."
MG: (stares at photographer with the same look as seen above)
DP: "No. Lift the sides of your mouth."
MG: (stares at photographer with the same look as seen above)
DP: "No, no, no. Miguel, you have to do more than just open your mouth slightly."
MG: (stares at photographer with the same look as seen above)
DP: (snaps photo) "Anyone ever tell you your mouth could fit perfectly between your eyebrows?"

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Miguel Garcia, 1989 Donruss

Bob Stanley, 1989 Donruss

Name: Bob Stanley
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Uhhhhhhh ...
Key 1988 stat: No wild pitches in the World Series
Actual conversation between Donruss photographer and Bob Stanley before the above photo was taken:

Donruss photog: "Good afternoon, Mr. Stanley, are you ready to have your photo taken?"
Bob Stanley: "Uhhhhhh ..."
DP: "Um, is that a yes? And you should close your mouth      you'll catch flies. Ha, just kidding!"
BS: "Uhhhhhh ..."
DP: "Ohhhh-kay! I'm just gonna go ahead and snap a couple shots. That is your index finger sticking out of your glove, right?"
BS: "Uhhhhh ..."
DP: "Riiiight. Mr. Stanley, are you feeling OK? Do you smell oranges?"
BS: "Uhhhhhh ..."
DP: "ARE YOU HAVING A MEDICAL EMERGENCY? All right, you just stay here. I'll see if I can find the team doctor."
BS: "Uhhhh ..."

Bob Stanley, 1989 Donruss

Alex Sanchez, 1989 Donruss

Name: Alex Sanchez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Nothing good
Key 1989 stats: Four games, three starts, zero wins
Toronto Blue Jays' scouting report on nondescript rookie Alex Sanchez: "Resemblance to A.C. Slater from 'Saved by the Bell' should score us some points with fans who are teenage girls. ... Sure, his last name is Sanchez, but judging by his stuff, he ain't 'dirty.' ... Currently leading our Triple-A team in mullet and steely eyes. ... Hard to find a photo of this guy. All we've got so far is his driver's license photo, but thankfully he's wearing his uniform in it. We may need to buy this guy some actual clothes. ... Needs to work on: (1) curveball; (2) changeup; (3) chin. ... We're all pulling for him in his effort to some day grow facial hair."

Alex Sanchez, 1989 Donruss

Jeff Reed, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jeff Reed
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One broken reed from an oboe
Key 1988 stat: One red batting glove, one blue batting glove
Let's poke some holes in this guy's story with a pop quiz: We see "ou," but what's the full slogan on Jeff Reed's undershirt?

A) Double Weight Eyeglass Depot
B) You Can't Make Me Get A Haircut
C) You Shouldn't Mesh With Me, Buddy
D) Soup Is Delicious
E) International House of Aftershave

Jeff Reed, 1989 Donruss

Zane Smith, 1989 Donruss

Name: Zane Smith
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Less than dirt — Atlanta dirt
Key 1988 stat: 12 American Indian feathers worn — in jockstrap
Here's what Zane Smith stands for:

Zany in more ways than Juan
Another mulleted starter in the late 1980s
Never met a swamp he didn't swim in
Endless ridicule for senior-citizen stirrups

Snaggletooth was an endearing quality
Mascot seems to be laughing at its own racism
Imitation-gold necklace sure is shiny
Tan was his state of mind
Hated the name "Zane"; preferred the name "Mane"

Zane Smith, 1989 Donruss

Barry Jones, 1989 Donruss

Name: Barry Jones
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two rolls of overexposed negatives
Key 1988 stat: Two cards, one face, one pose
A salute to Barry Jones: Barry Jones is a Bust favorite. Sure, he's a little-known pitcher who finished his career 33-33, but he's our little-known pitcher who finished his career 33-33. He looks like he just woke up on the wrong side of a 12-day bender, and he's the only player in Major League Baseball history whose pits smelled so bad every one of his baseball cards was a revolting scratch-and-sniff. His mustache tumbles over his lips like the Pacific's waves break over the soft sand and his chest hair reaches for the sky, just like the man himself. He was voted the whitest of the Sox and would brag to strangers about the rare occasion when he would wash his hair. But most of all, he commanded respect, which can be seen in this portrait that Donruss must have noticed was crooked, ill-composed and out of focus but didn't care enough about Jones to reshoot.

Barry Jones, 1989 Donruss

Eric Show, 1989 Donruss

Name: Eric Show
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Let us show you       0
Key 1988 stat: Won National League Mullet of the Week five times that season
Hair all about it: What does Eric Show stand for?

Energized the crowd with his length of curls
River otters able to nest in his unruly mop
Isn't doing too shabby with that mustache, either
Curveball not as knee-buckling as his hairdo

Stirrups not as long as that party in the back
Hecklers had no shortage of material to work with
Online dating profile full of inaccuracies
Went the distance 13 times that year       on the mound (but zero times with the ladies)

Eric Show, 1989 Donruss

Dennis Lamp, 1989 Donruss

Name: Dennis Lamp
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six burnt-out light bulbs
Key 1988 stat: 16-pound mustache
Time for a comparative pop quiz:

What's the difference between Dennis Lamp and a lamp?

(A) Sometimes, a lamp is on.
(B) A lamp always wears lampshades, not just at parties.
(C) A lamp is an inanimate object without a personality.
(D) A lamp doesn't show up to work looking like the hobo the other hobos threw off the train car because of his grooming habits, or lack thereof.
(E) All of the above, minus C.

Dennis Lamp, 1989 Donruss