Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Name: Fred Manrique
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Second base
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1988 stat: Lost all of his bottom teeth
Ways in which Fred put the "man" in "Manrique":

• Grew a mustache both outside and inside his upper lip
• Caught fish by using nothing but an old mesh jersey
• Started campfires using only flint, steel, and his glasses
• Belched so loudly that it cleared out an entire stadium
• Despite the photographic evidence, lifted weights nonstop
• Could seduce a woman just by giving her a slack-jawed stare

Submitted by Douglas Corti

Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Greg Gross, 1989 Fleer

Name: Greg Gross
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 dead frogs being eaten by maggots
Key 1988 stat: 9 straight hours locked in a construction site portable toilet
Let's see what Greg Gross stands for:

Grody dude
Rank undershirt
Elephant Man: also gross
Grimy glasses

Grungy look
Repugnant uniform color
Offensive odor
Scuzzy 'stache
Sickening resemblance to another Gross

Greg Gross, 1989 Fleer

Brad Pounders and Jerald Clark, 1989 Fleer Major League Prospects

Names: Brad Pounders, Jerald Clark
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: 3 ounces of sun-burnt moss
Key 1988 stat: 1 double (half a double each)
It's time for a San Diego edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Aggressive tendencies (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: Aggressive last name (Winner: Pounders)
Round 3: Eerie resemblance to Phil Simms (Winner: Pounders)
Round 4: Eerie resemblance to a guy about to whack you in the head with a bat (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Face as soft as a baby's bottom (Winner: Pounders)
Round 6: Face contorted into a monstrous snarl (Winner: Clark)
Round 7: Winner because we're scared (Winner: Clark)

Score: Clark 4, Pounders 3, Ties 0

Synopsis: These two Padres were locked in a tight race, until the judges here at the Bust ran away out of fear of being knocked upside the head by Clark's bat.

Brad Pounders and Jerald Clark, 1989 Fleer Major League Prospects

Will Clark, Rafael Palmerio, 1989 Fleer Superstars

Names: Will Clark and Rafael Palmeiro
Teams: San Francisco Giants and Chicago Cubs
Positions: First base and outfield
Value of card: Half the food in Palmeiro's mustache
Key 1988 stat: Zero congressional hearings
Two players, one Bust cup: It's time for an All-Star Matchup!

Round 1: Refusal to shave face or space between eyebrows that day (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: $5 mesh jersey with a giant Cubs sticker on it (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 3: Mustache resembling a Rorschach inkblot (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 4: Later shared a locker room with Barry Bonds (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Later shared "supplements" with Barry Bonds (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 6: Getting a bigger kick out of touching chests in this photo (Winner: Clark)
Round 7: Luxurious, dark-as-midnight mullet (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 8: Wearing a T-shirt that's been washed 13,966 times (Winner: Clark)
Round 9: Looks better in a suit (Winner: Palmeiro)

Final score: Palmeiro 5, Clark 4

Synopsis: No lies here, folks     Rafael Palmeiro has tested positive for victory. Will Clark will have to take solace in the fact that at least he's not one of baseball's all-time scumbags.

Will Clark, Rafael Palmerio, 1989 Fleer Superstars

Jim Presley, 1989 Fleer

Name: Jim Presley
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Third base
Value of card: 1 Turkish lira (0.5573 U.S. dollars)
Key 1988 stat: 212 batting tees broken
Let's take a look at Jim Presley's 1989 stats, by the numbers:

.418: Batting average off a batting tee
.018: Batting average without a batting tee
37: Home runs during batting practice off a batting tee before the game
0: Home runs off live pitching without a batting tee during a game
86: Make-believe RBIs when hitting off a batting tee before a game by himself
2: In-game RBIs when hitting off live pitching during a game surrounded by professionals
276: Hits off a batting tee before a game by himself when he's actually in his backyard imagining being on a big-league field surrounded by thousands of screaming, adoring fans
6: Hits off live pitching during games in major-league stadiums over the course of a career that saw few moments of glory marked by screaming, adoring fans

Jim Presley, 1989 Fleer

Tom Candiotti, 1989 Fleer

Name: Tom Candiotti
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three pieces of hard "Candi" (barf sounds)
Key 1988 stat: 4,390 children frightened
10 nicknames coined for Tom Candiotti after this card's release:
10) Tommy Eyebrows
9) The (Sour) Candi Man
8) King of Piss-Poor Lighting
7) The Mediocre Mizuno Menace
6) Ol' Greasy Afro
5) The Sinister Indian
4) Cleveland's Creep
3) "That Scary Guy Down the Block"
2) A Human Replica of the Racist Cleveland Indians' Mascot
1) The Shadow

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Tom Candiotti, 1989 Fleer

Cory Snyder, 1989 Fleer

Name: Cory Snyder
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's laughable
Key 1988 stat: Rugged good looks only enhanced by mullet
Something funny, mister? Sure, Cory Snyder is laughing at us, thinking he's so much better than us and whatnot. But we were curious as to what's written on his glove. A little research shows it's "The Backhander," but here are a few misinterpretations we had:

• The Bartender
• The Back-ender
• The Barksdale
• The Banklender
• The Baconator
• The Cocky S.O.B. Who Needs To Shut His Face If He Wants To Keep His Teeth

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Cory Snyder, 1989 Fleer

Keith Atherton, 1989 Fleer

Name: Keith Atherton
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Nothing; not even a bad joke or a tired pun; just nothing
Key 1988 stat: No chance this guy ever stepped on a field
This can't be correct: Nope, we don't believe it. We here at The Bust might have spent our formative years embarrassing our fathers with our field-of-play performances, but we don't think this guy is a real athlete. We don't usually make fun of people's appearances (cough, cough) but c'mon, look at this guy. Can't you hear his mother, just off camera, telling young Keith to lift his hat off his eyes so the nice photographer can take his picture? How did this guy pick out his glasses? "Um, excuse me, sir. Does your store (snort) happen to have any really thick lenses with clear frames? I (snort) need them to match my pocket protector." The only thing we can see this guy pitching is a tent outside an Atari store the night before "Centipede" was released. This guy's squinting and sickly skin tone are proof he hasn't seen the sun in months. Heck, even his shadow looks like it could have programmed your VCR. And that mustache, oh man. That thing is anything but big league; it has nearly as many holes as his mesh jersey. Bottom line: We're pretty sure the only time this guy has played with the twins was when he roomed with the Lewandowski brothers at band camp in 1984.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Keith Atherton, 1989 Fleer

Rickey Henderson, 1989 Fleer

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One click for a "You Suck at Photoshop" video
Key 1988 stat: Once referred to himself in the fourth person
It's a popularity contest: What was Rickey Henderson's best feature?

A) His blinding speed
B) That cute little scowl
C) His stirrups
D) His humility
E) Booty!

Rickey Henderson, 1989 Fleer

Barry Jones, 1989 Fleer

Name: Barry Jones
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Pitcher, scoundrel
Value of card: Two shots of Winner's Cup Vodka (charcoal filtered, of course)
Key 1988 stat: 22 shots of Winner's Cup Vodka (charcoal filtered and puked up, of course)
Clean it up, Barry (face palm): Barry Jones, you and Fleer should be ashamed of yourselves. You look like you just woke up and rolled off a dead hooker. And by "hooker," we mean "fisherman." If this card were scratch-and-sniff, it would be 80 proof. You're wearing a mesh jersey that would be laughed off a beer league field, but it's covering a gut that only belongs on that field. Nice black-tar smack scar on your arm. What flytrap motel on the South Side played host to that night? And the mustache. C'mon. If you're going to do handlebars, go all the way and grow a pair. That uneven mess above your lip looks like it crawled there after the Port-O-Potty tipped over. But, hey, shaving your sweaty chest hair into a heart was a nice touch. In closing, run a comb through that filthy mullet, ya jerk.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Barry Jones, 1989 Fleer

Hipolito Pena, 1989 Fleer

Name: Hipolito Pena
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 50 cents off a Grilled Steak Hipolito at Taco Bell
Key 1988 stat: The biggest grin you ever saw
What does Hipolito Pena's face remind us of?

A) Elmo
B) The comedy mask
C) Popeye with a smile
D) A cute little kitty-cat
E) All of the above

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Hipolito Pena, 1989 Fleer

John Kruk, 1989 Fleer

Name: John Kruk
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: $17,000 in hospital bills
Key 1988 stat: One photographer beaten up
Here's the story of John Kruk in this photo, by the numbers:

0: Photos Kruk wanted taken of himself that day
4: Broken bones suffered by the photographer after Kruk "expressed" his displeasure
14: Beers Kruk had drank before this encounter
36: Hours since Kruk had last shaved
107: Curse words uttered by Kruk after the photo was taken
108: Pounds gained by Kruk since the photo was taken
40,000: Dollars paid by Kruk to the photog to keep the incident under wraps

John Kruk, 1989 Fleer

Jose Canseco, 1989 Fleer Baseball All Stars

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One eighth-grade graduation certificate
Key 1988 stat: 1,922 flies caught in mouth
Jose Canseco's train of thought from 12:10 p.m. to 7:44 p.m. July 23, 1988: "Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Ice cream ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Cars go fast ... Catch ball ... Hit ball ... Puppies are cute ... Hit ball ... Socks go inside shoes ... Hit ball ... Catch ball ... Hit ball ... Steroids ... Hit ball ... Keys are shiny ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Ladies are pretty ... Catch ball ... I like ketchup ... Catch ball ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Garfield. Ha-ha. ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Two plus three is — uh-oh. Wait. Crap, what do I do with ball? Oh no, Mr. LaRussa's going to beat me again. Oh yeah! Hit ball!"

Jose Canseco, 1989 Fleer Baseball All Stars

Luis Delos Santos and Jim Campbell, 1989 Fleer

Names: Luis Delos (not "de los," mind you) Santos, Jim Campbell

Team: Kansas City Royals

Positions: Infielder, relief pitcher, respectively

Value of card: 1 cent for each bust

Key 1988 stats: Between the two of them, none

It's time for a gutter-trash version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Nose size (Winner: Santos)

Round 2: Beer gut potential (Winner: Campbell)

Round 3: Biggest necklace knot (Winner: Santos)

Round 4: Mullet flair (Winner: Campbell)

Round 5: Rape stare (Winner: Santos)

Round 6: Mustache hygiene (Winner: Campbell)

Round 7: Hair juice accumulated, one day (Winner: Santos)

Score: Santos 4, Campbell 3

Synopsis: Back and forth, back and forth. So it was in this epic Matchup between two Royals prospects who seemed to be in a race to decide who could flame out the fastest. In the end, Santos and his cheap, tangled jewelry proved that jheri curl can upset an unkempt mullet at the drop of a hat.

Luis Delos Santos and Jim Campbell, 1989 Fleer

Harold Reynolds, 1989 Fleer

Name: Harold Reynolds

Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Second base

Value of card: A princely sum

Key 1990 stat: One search for love in an unfamiliar land

Coming to Seattle: Harold Reynolds, then named Akeem Joffer, the prince and heir to the throne of Zamunda, isn't content with his pampered life and royal bathers. Akeem concocts a plan to travel to America in search of love after his parents, the king and queen of the African nation, present him with a bride-to-be trained to obey his every command. Akeem and his servant, Semmi, arrive in Seattle, and take up residence at a rat-infested apartment. Akeem wants to hide their wealth, so he leaves behind all his possessions and takes the name "Harold." But he can't completely let go of Zamunda and his royal life. After much soul-searching, Akeem begins wearing a wristband with the word "prince" stitched across it, but otherwise he hides his connection to the throne. After about 20 minutes, Akeem and Semmi find jobs with the locally owned baseball franchise, and Akeem soon falls in love with the owner's daughter, an ambitious woman dating one of the doctors from "ER." From there, hilarity ensues, including when Akeem pretends to be a handful of people, including a barber and a testy elderly man. Near the end of his time in Seattle, a Soul Glo worker finds out Akeem's secret because of the wristband, forcing the prince to leave Seattle for another role.

Harold Reynolds, 1989 Fleer

Cecil Espy, 1989 Fleer

Name: Cecil Espy
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield

Value of card: A mouthful

Key 1988 stat: 196,390 swallows

Time to choose your own adventure: You are Cecil Espy, second-year outfielder for the Texas Rangers. You've just done a big favor — yes, that kind of favor — for manager Bobby Valentine in order to lock up a starting position on Opening Day. You know Bobby V isn't the most, um, hygienic guy around. What do you do with the "remnants"?

To spit it into this intrusive camera guy's lens, click here.

To pass it on to somebody even more disgusting, click here.

To just swallow, baby, click here.

Cecil Espy, 1989 Fleer

Bill "Billy" Ripken, 1989 Fleer

Name: Bill "Billy" Ripken
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Second base
Value of card: One Sharpie
Key 1989 stat: 827 strikethroughs
Top 10 things Bill Ripken should have written on his bat knob before this photo by the crack team at Fleer:
10) "Honk if you're horny"
9) "Hold this end"
8) "Pay rent"
7) "Where's the beef?"
6) "Duck face"
5) "Topps rules"
4) "I love you, Paula"
3) "Go Yankees"
2) "Can I start today, Dad?"
1) "Screw Cal"

Bill "Billy" Ripken, 1989 Fleer

Jose Canseco, Terry Steinbach, Mark McGwire 1989 Fleer

Names: Jose Canseco, from left, Terry Steinbach and Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Positions: Outfield, catcher, first base, respectively

Value of card: Do I hear $4? How 'bout $3. Twooo dollahs, two dollahs. Do I hear $1.50?

Key 1988 stat: One bachelor auction bash

Measuring up: The A's sluggers of the late 1980s were competitive. They challenged one another to eating contests. They challenged one another to races. They challenged one another to show, once and for all, who could inject the most steroids. But the competition reached its pinnacle when Jose Canseco, Terry Steinbach and Mark McGwire entered themselves in a bachelor auction. Canseco sent in a photo of himself shirtless. Steinbach sent in 40 strands of chest hair tied with a ribbon. McGwire sent in a Big Mac with a photo of his face between the meat and the bun. All three were given entry based on their submissions. The women of the Bay Area waited with bated breath for the auction.

The big night: Canseco, Steinbach and McGwire were backstage in their uniforms, oozing confidence, standing in front of a fake background of the Oakland Coliseum. Then, between auctioning off a high-powered lawyer and basketball heartthrob Kurt Rambis, the auctioneer approached the Triple A's. "Well, we have your heights, weights and occupations," she said, "but we're missing measurements for, ahem, that certain something." Canseco puffed out his chest. Steinbach turned white. McGwire looked down his pants. "That's right, boys," the auctioneer said. "You have to measure up before you take my stage." The players' competitive edges took control. The Triple A's pulled out their manhoods, as seen above. The auctioneer giggled, gave them a Triple F and told them to hit the showers.

Jose Canseco, Terry Steinbach, Mark McGwire 1989 Fleer