Rickey Jackson, 1989 Topps (Football Friday No. 212)

Name: Rickey Jackson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One paper bag, worn over the head
Key 1989 stat: 74 tackles (of his barber)
Here's a Caption that likely didn't run in the New Orleans Times-Picayune circa 1989: "Saints linebacker Rickey Jackson shows off his new haircut during Sunday's game in Chicago, claiming its design gives him an aerodynamic advantage on the field. However, when asked how that advantage worked once his helmet was on, Jackson stuttered and then broke down in tears, admitting to losing a bet over how many pimento loaf sandwiches he could eat in one sitting after coming up three short of the wagered mark of 60."

Rickey Jackson, 1989 Topps (Football Friday No. 212)

Willie McGee, 1989 Topps Big

Name: Gah! We mean, Willie McGee
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 40 shudders
Key 1988 stat: Even he seemed appalled by himself
Come on, Topps: Look, we understand the point of the Topps Big set was to get both an action shot and an up-close mug of the same player on one card. But maybe you could have just gone with two action shots of Willie? We mean, good lord, nobody needs to see that homely face smiling (is he smiling?) right back at them. Imagine the poor kids who saw this card! Nightmares for weeks, and probably a bout of bed-wetting, too (that was our excuse, at least). It's bad enough that these cards won't fit in our standard-issue card pages, you don't need to torment us with a full-on view of the Chinless Wonder as well. Now, if you'll excuse us, we need to go wash our sheets.

Willie McGee, 1989 Topps Big

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps Mini

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Like the card, mini-mal
Key 1988 stat: 1 missing E in last name
Kent Hrbek's train of thought from 4:16 to 4:17 p.m. July 21, 1988: "Hmm ... what am I doing here? ... Hmm ... Oh, that's right, I'm here to play baseball. ... Baaaasssseeebaaallllll ... Man, this helmet doesn't fit right. ... It's so small. ... In fact, this whole environment seems small. ... Whoa. ... It's like I've shrunk. ... What is happening around me? ... Where ... am ... I? ... It's as if I've become ... mini. ... I'm mini. ... Damn you, Topps! ... Damn you!"

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps Mini

John Cangelosi, 1989 Topps

Name: John Cangelosi
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One baseball card that's been stuffed in an armpit
Key 1988 stat: Better pitcher than hitter
Conversation between Topps photographer and John Cangelosi, Feb. 21, 1989:
Topps photog: "OK, John. Let's take some photos. Now, there's no reason to be worried."
John Cangelosi: "I'm not worried, just nervous. And sometimes when I'm nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and then smell them like this!" (Removes hands from pits, inhales deeply)
TP: (Dry-heaves) "Aaaaand we're done here."

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

John Cangelosi, 1989 Topps

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Topps

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: It's worth its equivalent in off-center 1989 Topps cards
Key 1988 stat: 264 women with a case of "Fernandomania"
10 symptoms of "Fernandomania," as diagnosed by Bust doctors:
10) Inability to grow legitimate mustache
9) Tiny pink circles on forearm sleeves that are not — to repeat, not — the result of the lowest possible production standards
8) Arms bent at unimaginable angles
7) Mullet growth at 10 times the normal rate
6) Eyebrows that attach to each other and the hairline
5) Distorted perception of reality, like thinking the Dodgers had a shot to win the N.L. West in 1989
4) Restless chin syndrome
3) Sweating, a whole lot of sweating
2) Elephantitis of the bulge
1) Who cares? Pinata party!

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Topps

Joe Morgan, 1989 Topps

Name: Joe Morgan
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Manager
Value of card: A bowl of "tomato soup" (actually just a whole tomato in a bowl of warm water)
Key 1988 stat: Saddest eyes in the American League
Fun facts about former Red Sox manager Joe Morgan and Reds Hall-of-Famer Joe Morgan:

• Red Sox Joe Morgan hit .191 in 88 big-league games during his career. Reds Joe Morgan had somewhat better statistics.
• Red Sox Joe Morgan was fired after four seasons despite winning two division titles in that span. Reds Joe Morgan lasted 21 years as an announcer for ESPN despite having just two good calls the entire time.
• Red Sox Joe Morgan spent much of his time sitting on the bench. Reds Joe Morgan once sat on Johnny Bench, after the catcher had fallen asleep in the locker room.
• Red Sox Joe Morgan managed one of the game's all-time leading jerks. Reds Joe Morgan played with one of the league's all-time leading jerks.

Joe Morgan, 1989 Topps

Ed Hearn, 1989 Topps

Name: Ed Hearn
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: You guessed it: It ain't worth squat
Key 1988 stat: 12 high school classes attended
Let's see what Ed Hearn stands for:

Everyman who made every man feel more manly
Dumb look on his face shows photographer's skill

Helmet and chest protector usually worn in the sack
Eagerly spread legs for maximum bulge exposure
Acting wasn't his forte; hence this awful pose
Rarely sat; usually squatted
Never met a jockstrap he didn't like

Ed Hearn, 1989 Topps

Mike Flanagan, 1989 Topps

Name: Mike Flanagan
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Positions: Pitcher, chillin'
Value of card: "Chillax, bro"
Key 1988 stat: 639 mesh holes
Mike Flanagan's train of thought from 7:17 to 7:19 p.m. Aug. 21, 1988: "Aw, man, I love this game. Nothing like sitting in the dugout, chewing some seeds and combing my 'stache. Boss man thinks I'm lazy. Go figure. So I'm just hanging out, using the old mullet as a pillow. Big deal. This ain't my day to pitch. What, they want me hanging over the railing like some rook, pretending I'm interested in the Blue Jays? Huh, slim chance. Despite this sign behind me, this is barely a baseball club. There's too much blue in this dugout, and I prefer my birds in the orange-and-black variety. And I prefer my bird teams of another flock. That's right, until I get back south of the border, it's chill time, bro."

Mike Flanagan, 1989 Topps

Harold Reynolds, 1989 Topps

Name: Harold Reynolds
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Second base
Value of card: Rusty chain-link fencing
Key 1988 stat: Could flip those shades like no one's business
Video dating service profile for Harold Reynolds, circa 1989:

Age: 28
Height: 5' 11 7/8"
Weight: 165
Hair: Party in the back
Ethnicity: Black
Relationship status: Open, if you know what I mean
Want children? Only if I open a sweatshop
Best feature: Smoothest mustache this side of Mount Rainier
Religious views: God wants this mustache
Smoke? Well, Vancouver's right next door, after all ...
Drink? Only after losses. So, a lot.

Seeking: Someone to hug without it becoming a misunderstanding
Her body type: Well endowed
Her ethnicity: Human
Location: Some place where it doesn't rain as much

Reynolds' video introduction transcript: "Hi ladies, you may recognize me as the second baseman for your Seattle Mariners      then again, you may not, considering I'm usually a blur racing around the diamond. Ha, no, I'm just playing, I know you know who I am. I'm the king of the Kingdome, baby! (Reynolds puts on flip sunglasses with lenses down) Now, let's talk about you and me. I need a special lady who can keep me dry here in Seattle      but not too dry. (raises flip lenses and winks, then lowers lenses again) I need someone who isn't afraid to move up 90 feet when the pitch gets a little wild. (raises flip lenses and winks, then lowers lenses again) And I need a woman who's down to play both ends of a double-header. (raises flip lenses and winks, then lowers lenses again) If this sounds like you, give me a call. Starting in early October, I'll be free to lavish all my attention      and my mustache      on you, girl. Yeah!"

Harold Reynolds, 1989 Topps

Ron Tingley, 1989 Topps

Name: Ron Tingley
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 14 spent matches
Key 1988 stat: .324 burrito-eating average
It's time for another pop quiz:

Just what made Ron all "Tingley" inside?

(A) His full-body mesh underwear.
(B) Gigantic racist logos on his head.
(C) Getting incredibly too close to a female Topps photographer.
(D) Two — just two — wafts of his golden bangs gently teasing his forehead.
(E) Staring at his Caucasian-colored mustache in the mirror.
(F) All of the above.

Ron Tingley, 1989 Topps

Pete Rose, 1989 Topps

Name: Pete Rose
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Manager
Value of card: 3-to-1 odds it's worth nothing; OK, 1-to-1 odds
Key 1988 stat: 326,930 bets placed
10 bets Pete Rose made after seeing this card:
10) He bet he hadn't showered in three weeks.
9) He bet the only thing he "managed" was the 12-game parlay.
8) He bet that a Rose by any other name would still smell as sweat.
7) He bet his hair looked like stalagmites.
6) He bet bottom dollar — because he was broke.
5) He bet his arm hair could have been braided.
4) He bet dollars, ate doughnuts.
3) He bet he hadn't gotten a haircut in 16 months.
2) He bet on the Reds. Obviously, you should always bet on black.
1) He bet he would be betting by the end of the day. For once, he won.

Pete Rose, 1989 Topps

Dale Sveum, 1989 Topps

Name: Dale Sveum
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Infield
Value of card: Six 1-ounce cups of "sveum"
Key 1988 stat: At least three layers worn at all times
So, what does Dale Sveum stand for?

Dashing looks (for a paper towel company logo).
Alcoholism is a prerequisite when playing for the Brew Crew.
Layer after layer is OK for a bench player.
Eyebrows that match the 'stache.

Sveum? It nearly killed him.
Vacant look in his eye; vacant at-bat at the plate.
Eagerly awaiting a much-needed haircut.
Underwear? Commando, son.
Mustache was the focus of the card and the man.

Dale Sveum, 1989 Topps

Robin Ventura, 1989 Topps

Name: Robin Ventura
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Oklahoma State Cowboys
Position: Third base
Value of card: A pile of dirt from the dinner plate of a poor child in Oklahoma
Key 1988 stat: 12 people blinded by jersey's orange
White Sox front office's scouting report on No. 1 draft pick Robin Ventura: "Says here the name is 'Robin.' We sure we drafted a male? ... Based on the only photo we've seen of him, we're not sure he has eyes. ... Rumor from the college ranks is that this kid has a history of clashing with old men. Do we think that will be a problem in the big leagues? ... We'll have to alter his orangutan running style. ... Let's keep an eye on him; he wears Orenthal James gloves. ... Wait: White Sox, black gloves. Um, color clash nightmare! Not sure this will work. ... We vote for nicknaming him 'Ace.'"

Robin Ventura, 1989 Topps

Jim Snyder, 1989 Topps

Name: Jim Snyder
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Manager
Value of card: 173,003 leers
Key 1988 stat: One button-down undershirt
Jim Snyder's stream of consciousness from 4:41 to 4:43 p.m., May 2, 1989: "Well OshKosh B'gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying, Ken Griffey Jr. ... Uh-oh, a dispute. Boys, Boys. We can settle this like reasonable and sexy ball players. Whoever can swallow the most Tylenol PM wins. ... What's that? The Little League World Series is on? Jackpot! ... Hey, Griffey, if it gets too hot and sweaty for you out there, feel free to take your shirt off. ... You don't wanna hurt yourself playing. You better stretch out those creamy hamstrings!"

Jim Snyder, 1989 Topps

Dave Winfield, 1989 Topps

Name: Dave Winfield

Team: New York Yankees

Position: Outfield

Value of card: It ain't worth a crap

Key 1988 stat: 125 times defecated in dugout

A new feature: "The Caption" is new to The Bust (probably for good reason). We'll include the caption that would have appeared if the photo had run in a newspaper. Only the worst baseball card photos will get The Caption treatment. Feel free to leave your own caption as a comment to show everyone how much funnier you are than the dimwits at The Bust.

The Caption: "Dave Winfield, above, takes a crap in the New York dugout Wednesday during the Yankees' 4-2 loss to the California Angels in Anaheim, Calif. Winfield went 0-for-4. "He stunk today," Yankees first baseman Don Mattingly said of Winfield after the game."

Dave Winfield, 1989 Topps

John Kruk, 1989 Topps Traded

Name: John Kruk
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: An ounce of stubble
Key 1988 stat: Had a hard time closing his mouth
The picture of health: John Kruk was never exactly the most physically fit baseball player. Here are 10 afflictions Kruk experienced during his career.

10) Alcohol poisoning
9) Bedsores
8) Fleas
7) Mullet rash
6) Rhymes with merpes
5) Cirrhosis. And not just of the liver.
4) Jungle fever
3) Being fat
2) Cocktail flu
1) Meat sweats

John Kruk, 1989 Topps Traded

Mike LaCoss, 1989 Topps

Name: Mike LaCoss

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 17 of the small circles left over after a mesh hat is made

Key 1988 stat: Two fingers, sucka

Clearing up some rumors about Mike LaCoss:

• LaCoss didn't always grip a ball like that. Sometimes, he gripped an opponent's short-and-curlies.
• LaCoss didn't only wear mesh. His underwear was made of your sister.
• LaCoss wasn't sunburned. He was red with rage because a fan looked at him.
• LaCoss wasn't showing off his fork ball. He was telling Will Clark what part of his mother's anatomy he most enjoyed.
• LaCoss didn't leave his heart in San Francisco. He left other players' hearts there.

Mike LaCoss, 1989 Topps

Ron Kittle, 1989 Topps

Name: Ron "Dynamite" Kittle

Team: Cleveland Indians

Position: Left field

Value of card: That steak in the freezer, half of it

Key 1988 stat: 52 "Vote for Pedro" T-shirts made

10 quotes from "Napolean Dynamite" slightly tweaked to correspond with Kittle's career (changes in bold):

10) "I spent my offseason in Alaska with my uncle hunting wolverines."

9) "Sorry I'm late. I just got done playing long toss with a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys."

8) "I took the second baseman to the mall to get some Glamour Shots for his birthday one year."

7) "Candy, you fat lard. Come get some dinner."

6) "It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a Tigers player mixed."

5) "You know, like nun-chuck skills, bow-hunting skills, sacrifice-bunting skills ..."

4) "What the flip was Sandy Alomar Jr. doing at the sand dunes?"

3) "I already get my mullet cut at the Cuttin' Corral."

2) "Do the San Diego Chickens have large talons?"

1) "I caught you a delicious bass after we played each other in that game the other night when I went 0-for-4."

Ron Kittle, 1989 Topps

Willie Ansley, 1989 Topps No. 1 Draft Pick

Name: Willie Ansley
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Bulldog poo
Key career stat: Zero major league games
Houston Astros scouting report on top draft pick Willie Ansley: "Claims to be Willie Mays-Hayes, but plays more like Wesley Snipes. ... Obsessed with bulldogs. High school mascot is the Tigers, but he went ahead and painted a portrait of a bulldog on the school's outfield fence. Not really sure what to make of this. ... Couldn't win a footrace with a fish. ... Struck out 100 times. From a tee. ... Best catch he made all year was taking Sheila Cutberth to prom. ... Could see him never reaching the bigs and being out of baseball in six years. Still, can't be any worse than Brian Meyer. ... Right?"

Willie Ansley, 1989 Topps No. 1 Draft Pick

Ron Hassey, 1989 Topps

Name: Ron Hassey
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Duh.
Key 1988 stat: 42 IQ points
A change of pace for the Bust — some humor:

• Ron Hassey was so dumb, someone told him Christmas was around the corner and he went looking for it.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, when he got the steal sign, he grabbed the first baseman's glove.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, he tripped over a cordless phone.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, he stole a free sample.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, he shook off the pitcher.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, he thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, it took him two hours to watch "60 Minutes."
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, when he hit a home run, he actually ran home.

Ron Hassey, 1989 Topps