Bill Wegman, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Bill Wegman
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 3 pieces of gum stuck under a stadium seat
Key 1988 stat: Zero games viewed from the dugout
It's time for another exciting pop quiz:

Why was Bill Wegman sitting in the stands?

(A) He had a smart, smart manager.
(B) Brewers management would try anything to increase attendance.
(C) He figured, "What the hell? I won't be pitching anyway."
(D) He'd do anything for an $8 beer.
(E) All of the above.

Bill Wegman, 1989 Upper Deck

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: An ounce of Vitalis hair tonic
Key 1988 stat: 82 kids yelled at for being on lawn
Here's a Caption that, as far as we know, ran in the New York Daily News circa 1988: "Yankees pitcher Tommy John, left, and fellow Alhambra Senior Apartments resident and pitching coach Art Fowler discuss removing John from his start against the Baltimore Orioles so that both can still make the early-bird special at Furr's and be back at the team hotel in time to watch 'Matlock' on Tuesday at Memorial Stadium in Baltimore, Md."

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pesos
Key 1988 stat: 2,197 instances of "Fernandomania" (in his own home)
"Fernandomania" spiced up L.A. in the mid-1980s; here are examples of "Fernandomania" in the late 1980s:

• A chicken-legged pitcher performed a one-man line dance on a baseball field.
• The one pair of blue cleats in Los Angeles sold out.
• Nearly eight people in the United States and Mexico started wearing headbands and old-man glasses.
• The Latino Elvis Impersonators gained a member — and two fans. 
• A man in a blue jacket and tight white pants was arrested for leering at women at Dodger Stadium.

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

David Palmer, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: David Palmer
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One VHS cassette from 2001 with a couple episodes of "24" on it
Key 1988 stat: 29 lips chewed
Conversation between Phillies announcer Harry Kalas and pitcher David Palmer on June 21, 1988:

HK: "We're back, and we're talking to today's winning pitcher, David Palmer who held the Cubs to one run over seven innings today. David, thanks for joining us."
DP: "Dad? Is that you?"
HK: "No, David, this is Harry Kalas, the play-by-play announcer. Now, you looked great out there today, and it was perhaps your best start of the season. What was working for you today?"
DP: "It was great, Dad! I got a hit and they hardly got any! Plus, in between innings, Coach let me go in the clubhouse and play 'Space Invaders.'"
HK: "I see. Well, that's just about all the time we have to    "
DP: "Oh, wow, somebody stuck a lime on the end of the microphone. I'm gonna eat it!"
HK (over the sounds of Palmer chewing on the headset): "No, David! Dad says no! OK, we've got to go. See you tomorrow for more Phillies baseball."

David Palmer, 1989 Upper Deck

Randy Velarde, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Randy Velarde
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Infield
Value of card: Bend over and we'll show ya
Key 1988 stat: 27 times accosted by second baseman Willie Randolph
It's time for yet another homoerotic pop quiz:

What in the living hell is going on here?

(A) Teammate Wille Randolph is playing Tickle Monster.
(B) It's what the announcer called the "really, really exaggerated shift."
(C) Love. Sweet, sweet love.
(D) This is how the Yankees pick "Season's Best Bulge."
(E) All of the above.

Randy Velarde, 1989 Upper Deck

Rey Palacios, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Rey Palacios
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A mouthful of paper
Key 1988 stat: One hit
If you don't know, you'd better ask somebody: What all is in Rey Palacios' mouth?

A) His catcher's mask
B) An entire rack of baby back ribs
C) A wad of chaw the size of Arrowhead Stadium
D) The unfortunate result of rookie hazing
E) All of the above

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Rey Palacios, 1989 Upper Deck

Jim Pankovits, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Jim Pankovits
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Utility infielder
Value of card: Slightly lower than the intelligence in his expression
Key 1988 stat: Used bats as antiperspirant
One refined individual: Ladies and gentlemen, today we present to you Jim Pankovits, a man of wisdom, class and gravity. Mr. Pankovits was renowned for his sense of self, and because of his unwavering maturity, he was looked to as a leader both on and off the field. All baseball players should strive to be more like James Franklin Pankovits, a true professional in every manner.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Jim Pankovits, 1989 Upper Deck

Dave Smith, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Smith
Team: Houston Astros, allegedly
Position: None
Value of card: Considering it's about as rare as Dave Smith's name, not much
Key 1988 stat: Wasn't actually a professional athlete
The Legend of "Dave Smith": 1989 was Upper Deck's first year producing baseball cards, so mistakes were bound to happen. So it was that Houston Astros superfan Brian Keane ended up in the set      albeit under an alias. Keane, who had won a team contest earning him the right to sit in the Astros dugout for a spring training game, had never played an inning of baseball in his life. The Upper Deck photography team didn't know that, however. By the time the photog got to the dugout, Keane had already donned an Astros warmup jacket over his gray T-shirt. Fooled by the coat and Keane's MLB-quality mullet, the photog got some shots      of course, when it came time to match names to faces, one "player" seemed out of place. Rather than leave the man out of the set, Upper Deck workers slapped on the most generic name they could think of: Dave Smith. Keane still keeps both the card and the mullet framed in his office.

Dave Smith, 1989 Upper Deck

Dickie Thon, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Dickie Thon
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: More when it's ripped up into tiny pieces and used as confetti
Key 1988 stat: 11 showers (all season)
Here's what Dickie Thon stands for:

Dung-colored uniforms smell like they look
Inside that mind? Dirty, dirty thoughts
Caterpillar died above his lip
Killer — lady killer
Insect species by the dozen living in that hair mess
Eyes looking into the sun, and they'll soon melt

Tells women he sang "The Thon Song"
Horrible card crop not as bad as his hair crop
Other than featuring the worst photo of all time, this card isn't that bad
Never was introduced to a comb

Dickie Thon, 1989 Upper Deck

Jerry Reuss, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Jerry Reuss
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: 4 ounces of arm hair
Key 1989 stats: 20th big-league season, still no fans
Everybody clap your hands: In an effort to help veteran lefty Jerry Reuss relate to the kids, the photographer from Upper Deck told Reuss to act like he was in a music video. Then he had to explain to Reuss what a music video was. What song is Reuss crooning to the camera in the above shot?

A) "The Incontinence Rag"
B) "The Kids On My Lawn Blues"
C) "The Broken Hip Hop"
D) "The Arthritis Swing"
E) "The Incontinence Rag"      wait, we already said that one? OK, how about "The Senility Shuffle?"

Jerry Reuss, 1989 Upper Deck

Gary Pettis, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Gary Pettis
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 cents (or sixth sense?)
Key 1988 stat: 12 patents on time machine
Our minds, blown: Hold on. Wait just a minute. So, Gary Pettis is holding an Upper Deck card and — for the love of all that is holy — it's the back of this very card? How in the name of below-average 1980s major league speedsters is that possible? He's breaking the laws of physics. He's bending the space-time continuum. He's mastering a card trick the world has never seen. This is Gary Pettis looking at a photo of Gary Pettis while also looking into the future of Gary Pettis. Or is he looking back to the future? Or are we imagining that we're seeing a minuscule reflection of the back of the card on the front of the card because we took a few too many sips of the "herbal" tea? Not sure, but if that other card he's holding is his 1990 Upper Deck, we're going to need a new pair of shorts.

Gary Pettis, 1989 Upper Deck

Rick Aguilera, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Rick Aguilera
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One vacant expression
Key 1988 stat: 28 innings pitched in Major League Baseball's "mannequin game"
It's time for a reader-submitted pop quiz:

What was Aguilera taking a gander at when this photo was taken?

A) A beer salesman hitting cans to fans with a fungo.
B) A merchandise vendor selling New York Knicks warmup jerseys like the one Aguilera is wearing.
C) A fan mimicking Aguilera's rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot."
D) The Jumbotron's close-up of Aguilera's man mat.
E) All of the above, all at once.

Post and card submitted by Jordan Elam

Rick Aguilera, 1989 Upper Deck

Mark McGwire, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Oakland A's
Position: First base
Value of card: Seven pieces of bark
Key 1988 stat: 7 feet tall (and that's just the bulge)
The legend of Big Mac of the Oaks: They called him Big Mac of the Oaks. He was as tall as a mighty tree and as mighty as lumberjack who chopped down mighty trees. He ate oxen whole and drank rivers in a gulp. They said his mother was a redwood and his father a sequoia. True or not, his legs were tree trunks and the arms the roots of his power. He was a massive man, no doubt, and when he walked from the forest of oaks, baseball bat in hand, throngs of awestruck onlookers came to see the great Big Mac, a man who would slowly drop his chosen maple club below his waist but above his knees, focusing the gazes of thousands upon his most impressive yet obvious feature, his wood.

Mark McGwire, 1989 Upper Deck

Jerry Reed, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Jerry Reed
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: In decibels, zero
Key 1988 stat: 3 inches of tongue
It's time for a very loud pop quiz:

What is Jerry Reed yelling?

(A) Arrr!
(B) Arrrgggg!
(C) Arrrgggghhhh!
(D) Arrrgggghhhhaaaarrrrgggghhhh!
(E) All of the above

Jerry Reed, 1989 Upper Deck

Goose Gossage, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Goose Gossage

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Closer

Value of card: Bend over and let Goose show ya

Key 1988 stat: 412 "gooses"

Time for a 'stache-a-licious pop quiz:

What name did Hall of Famer Goose Gossage bestow on his mustache?

(A) Hall of Fame Handlebars

(B) 6 Pounds of Style
(C) Harry
(D) The Wraparound Upper Lip Safety Cover
(E) Moose Stache

(F) The Head Honcho on My Head

(G) All of the above

Goose Gossage, 1989 Upper Deck

Ed Olwine, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Ed Olwine

Team: Atlanta Braves

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Two scalps (mascot said so)

Key 1988 stat: One brave fashion statement

Ed Olwine, from A to Z:

A - Attention: Computer programmer snuck into dugout. Please get him. Thank you.

B - Brave? Nothing about him says that.

C - Contact lenses aren't made that thick.

D - Dork, dweeb, doofus.

E - Eyes closed to block out career.

F - Face windshields? Check.

G - "Gosh, lady. Ha-huh. I ain't never been with a woman before. Ha-huh."

H - How was this considered a professional athlete?

I - Incinerated bugs with sunlight through glasses.

J - Just met Bill Gates, needs new underwear.

K - Kids still bully him.

L - Looks like Tom Henke.

M - Might be connected to wires behind him.

N - Never met a video game console he didn't like.

O - Over-under on sexual partners in lifetime: one.

P - Pointy chin can cut glass.

Q - Quiet except when someone brings up "Battlestar Galactica."

R - "Revenge of the Nerds" extra.

S - Snaggletooth was one of his better features.

T - Tomahawk in his pants or happy to see her? Tomahawk in his pants.

U - Under that hat, more glasses.

V - VIP at "Dungeons and Dragons" tournament in Tommy Frederick's mom's basement.

W - "Wussy" defined his existence.

X - XIV-centimeter lenses, in Roman numerals.

Y - Youth spent getting hit by bullies' rocks.

Z - Zeal for astrophysics riddles about "D&D."

Ed Olwine, 1989 Upper Deck

Paul Mirabella, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Paul Mirabella
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A beer with a cigarette butt in it
Key 1988 stat: One shot of Old Grand-Dad for every strikeout — so, not too many shots
Paul Mirabella's train of thought from 11:21 to 11:23 a.m., Sept. 12, 1988: "Guh. Maybe those last six shots of warm gin weren't such a good idea last night. ... Skip better not ask me to pitch today — if I have to take off this jacket, everyone's gonna know I'm wearing the same jersey as yesterday. Of course, now there's a big puke stain on the front of it. And it's not even my own. ... God, I can smell the cherry-flavored vodka coming out of my pores. ... There's probably enough day-old Miller High Life left in my mustache to make it the Champagne of Facial Hair. ... All I want to do is go lay down in the locker room, but that stupid kid Sheffield's in there polishing his gold chains. ... Screw it, that's the last time I play 'I Never' with Yount."

Paul Mirabella, 1989 Upper Deck

Nolan Ryan, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Ace
Value of card: One clump of dog hair
Key 1988 stat: 300 mph
Stop us if you've heard this one before:

Q: How many Nolan Ryans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: More than it takes to beat the crud out of Robin Ventura.

Nolan Ryan, 1989 Upper Deck

Kevin Bass, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Kevin Bass

Team: Houston Astros

Position: Outfield

Value of card: 18 pounds of ego

Key 1988 stat: C-plus in Sewing 101 at Austin Community College

Fun facts about Kevin Bass' wristband:

• The base material for the wristband is one used, unwashed athletic sock.
• The patch on the wristband is compiled of a drawing of Bass that was done by a blind elephant, Bass' signature in White-Out, and the word "Chasin," which may refer to records, titles or groupies. Or all three.
• The stitching holding the patch to the wristband is made of Bass' trimmed mustache hair, which had been braided together by children in a Houston-area sweatshop.
• Bass only took off the wristband to shower and when he was completing a successful night of "Chasin." And he didn't shower.
• The wristband is currently on display in Cooperstown. That's Cooperstown, Ark., where Bass' mother lives.
• Bass, for unknown reasons, agreed with the manufacturer that white face was the best option.

Kevin Bass, 1989 Upper Deck

Rick Sutcliffe, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Rick "The Shadow" Sutcliffe

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Ace

Value of card: Only The Shadow knows

Key 1988 stat: All his hours cloaked in darkness

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Rick Sutcliffe was an ace and former Cy Young winner with many hobbies and occupations. But that didn't stop him from becoming a crime-fighting vigilante with psychic powers. Sutcliffe moonlighted as "The Shadow," a hero who influenced the minds of evildoers by making them see a few feet to the right or left of where he stood. When an opponent would fire a bullet or swing for the fences, The Shadow would let out his trademark laugh as the guns and bats fell silent. From where did these powers emerge? Was Sutcliffe born with this gift of mind control? Did he learn it from a sorcerer, warlock or hand-puppet master? The answer to all these questions, The Shadow knows, is no. The Shadow's powers came from the perfect fusion of two omnipotent sources: the feathered mullet and scraggly beard.

Rick Sutcliffe, 1989 Upper Deck