Alvaro Espinoza, 1990 Bowman

Name: Alvaro Espinoza
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Three used toothpicks
Key 1989 stat: Zero manly swings taken
What does Alvaro Espinoza stand for?

Alarming amount of sky in this photo
Leftover pork rinds still in mustache
Verbatim statement from hitting instructor: "You look like a midwife holding a mop handle"
Athletic stance? Try the opposite
Rims around glasses holding together windshields
Outstanding decision to choose this photo for the card set

Eyebrow mustache looks pretty good ...
Slithering over his face like a caterpillar
Pockmarks on jersey resemble pockmarks on face
Itsy-bitsy bat is adorable
Never was one to pose gracefully
Only .206 hitter to wear batting gloves and wristbands
Zebra stripes on uniform are quite slimming
Altostratus clouds are the only redeeming quality of this card

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Alvaro Espinoza, 1990 Bowman

Joe Carter, 1990 Bowman

Name: Joe Carter
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Er, um, er, um, I'm not sure; why are you asking?
Key 1989 stat: 220 hours of therapy to cure anxiety disorder
Time for an anxiety-ridden pop quiz:

Why is Joe Carter so worried?

(A) He's concerned Mr. Franklin will show up and retrieve his batting glove.
(B) He's agonizing over what he'll look like with those ridiculous flip glasses on his face.
(C) He's troubled by the pigeon that just took a bite out of his ear.
(D) He's disturbed about possibly, just possibly, being featured on a baseball card in the most unimaginative set of all time.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Joe Carter, 1990 Bowman

John Cerutti, 1990 Bowman

Name: John Cerutti
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 18 blue jay feathers plucked from a dead bird
Key 1989 stat: Zero games started after this photo was taken
John Cerutti's train of thought from 1:18 to 1:19 p.m. May 14, 1989: "OK, let's start my windup and here comes the pitch and ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My wrist! My wrist! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It snapped! It snapped like a twig! Oh, lord, the pain! The unrelenting pain! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! For the love of all that is holy! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

John Cerutti, 1990 Bowman

Ernie Camacho, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 7)

Name: Ernie Camacho
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 40 winks of sleep
Key 1990 stat: No wins, no losses (boring!)
Wake me when it's over: The abject boredom of the 1990 Bowman set comes to a close this week, and there's no better way to wrap up this forgettable mess than with a man whose eyes are closed. The most exciting thing about this card is that it has the word "macho" on it. Ernie's hair hasn't been touched in months, his undershirt looks like it's been through the washer 500 times, and his gold chains aren't even shiny! We'd fight for our money back if we hadn't been made so lethargic by this week full of lazy, dull photography. Thanks for nothing.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Ernie Camacho, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 7)

Derek Parks, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 6)

Name: Derek Parks
Team: Minnesota Twins (sparingly, at times)
Position: Catcher
Value of card: See those bangs sticking out from under the helmet? Those, cut off, put in a plastic bag and burned
Key 1989 stat: 63-pound jaw
Scouting report on Derek Parks, in terms that also reflect this lackluster card: "I'm only pretty sure we've seen this kid before, but I'm positive the previous incarnations didn't impress. ... If we're talking Parks, it's time for some clear-cutting. ... This guy's game could put a meth addict to sleep. ... The approximate number of fans in the background reflects the approximate number of fans who think putting this guy on our team is a good idea. ... We saw flair from this kid on the field once. Excuse us, "flare." He lit a firecracker. ... We spent 27 innings studying his swing, his handling of pitchers and his overall skills. We slept through 26 of them. ... Calling this kid 'boring' is doing a disservice to blind librarians, white crayons, DMV waits and the 1990 Bowman set."

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Derek Parks, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 6)

Chris Bosio, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 5)

Name: Chris Bosio
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A clear, 4-ounce cup filled with a mixture of chew spit and mullet hair
Key 1989 stat: 32 "slimming" pinstripes
You're in the presence of greatness: Well, here it is. This is the most interesting card in the 1990 Bowman set. Cast your gaze upon it. It's the pinnacle of a mountain peak that's below sea level. Sure, it's a face shot, but he's turned to the side. Wow. Turned to the side: genius. And, unlike most of the cards in this set, the player isn't wearing a spring training batting jersey. What a treat. What. A. Treat. Bowman was even kind enough to throw in an uneven mustache, a sopping-wet mullet and a cheek full of chew. What gifts these are for the collector. And, don't look now, but there are actual people in the background, not just blurry primary colors. What will they think of next? (Answer: nothing.)

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Chris Bosio, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 5)

Scott Leius, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 4)

Name: Scott Leius
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Third base
Value of card: Less than your neighbor's garbage
Key 1989 stat: Not one, but two humongous batting helmet flaps
10 fascinating things about this completely "unboring"card:
10) "Are you serious?"
9) "What kind of a question is that?"
8) "Have you seen this card?"
7) "Have you seen this set?"
6) "Can you see at all?"
5) "I'd say ... nothing."
4) "Are we done here?"
3) Sigh.
2) (face palm)
1)

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Scott Leius, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 4)

Howard Hilton, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 3)

Name: Howard Hilton
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, hotel magnate impersonator
Value of card: 12 ounces of man sweat
Key 1989 stat: 236 nights at the Hilton (what Howard called his parents' basement)
It's art (plus an "F"): Take a bow, Bowman, take a bow. Just look at this gem. It's yet another example of the inventive, innovative, outside-the-box thinking for which this card set is known. What else is it known for? Straightforward poses, mangy mullets, unshaven faces, tufts of chest hair, gallons of sweat stinking of last night's booze, and monotonous backgrounds that add absolutely nothing to an already worthless card. Yup, this is something special. Not only is this guy a slob's slob, but we get to gaze upon this pigpen without any distractions, doodads or creativity getting in the way. The accommodations here? Less Hilton, more fleabag motel.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Howard Hilton, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 3)

Ron Hassey, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 2)

Name: Ron Hassey
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 14 nose hairs
Key 1989 stat: 152 pot pies eaten
A face filled with boredom: Wow, Bowman. Nice work. This card is so boring, it looks like it bored Ron Hassey while the photo was being taken. The photographer had to put the camera lens 4 inches from Hassey's jowls just to keep him awake. There's no sense of place, save for the gas station sign reaching into the sky behind the A's catcher, which, actually, seems appropriate. And the Bowman boys could have done so much with this assignment. Hassey is a catcher, so the photo could have depicted him squatting, which is much better than slack-jawed staring. Or maybe we could have seen a side shot, allowing Hassey's mullet curls to have a moment in the sun. But no, we're subjected to an awkward stare-down with a backup catcher who had as many holes in his swing as he had in his practice jersey. Well, at least now we have intimate knowledge of Hassey's pores.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Ron Hassey, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 2)

Alan Zinter, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 1)

Name: Alan Zinter
Team: New York Mets (We had to do some research.)
Positions: Outfield, first base
Value of card: Two of the plastic circles cut out of batting helmets to make the ear holes
Key 1989 stat: 12 stolen bags (of mesh practice jerseys)
Welcome to Boring Bowman Week: We've hit a new low here at The Bust, even though most of you thought that was impossible. But thanks to the brainiacs behind the 1990 Bowman set, it happened. In honor of baseball's most idle week (only the all-star game will be played between now and Friday      and it doesn't even count!) we are dedicating a week's worth of posts to this nondescript, unimaginative and altogether boring card collection of your favorite athletes in their most pedestrian of poses. By the looks of the cards you'll see this week, we think Bowman sent out a blind high school photography student with a disposable Kodak and gave him three days to get photos of the more than 700 players who make up this set. Don't agree? We'll do our best over the next seven days to bore you into believing us.
Lazy, just plain lazy: Imagine a 10-year-old ripping open a pack of 1990 Bowman cards on a sunny spring morning, hoping to score a couple of collectibles of his favorite players in action shots he could show off to his friends and family. And then, this: possibly the most boring baseball card the world has even seen. First off, no one outside the New York Mets' front office has ever heard of Alan Zinter. But that's fine, because hundreds of prospects go unheralded until they hit the big time. But Bowman didn't even do the 10-year-old and the rest of the world's collectors the courtesy of getting Zinter in a real uniform. He's wearing a Little League helmet, for chris'sakes. Well, at least we know what position he plays. Oh, wait, that basic information is left off the front of the card, probably to allow for more room for the blurred, unrecognizable landscape and the shadow over the subject's eyes. Nice work, Bowman.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Alan Zinter, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 1)

Mike Scott, 1990 Bowman

Name: Mike Scott
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Jack spit
Key 1989 stat: Irritable bowel syndrome
Something stinks here: What's missing from the photo on this card?

A) Scott's magazine
B) A roll of TP
C) A bottle of Pepto
D) Decency
E) All of the above

Mike Scott, 1990 Bowman

Tim "Rock" Raines, 1990 Bowman

Name: Rock Raines
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 1 "toonie" (in Canadian commonspeak, a $2 coin, probably with a duck on it)
Key 1989 stat: 14 words of French spoken
It's time for a north-of-the-border pop quiz:

How did Tim Raines get the nickname "Rock," as enshrined on his obnoxious necklace?

(A) Actually, he bought the necklace first and the nickname followed.
(B) Cocaine is a helluva drug.
(C) He spent his off seasons playing bass for underground Montreal heavy-metal band Les Mustachios.
(D) He conceived a Hollywood script about the existential rebirth of a grisly convict whose seminal yet concealed accomplishment of breaking out of Alcatraz in the waters of San Francisco Bay would only be eclipsed by his success, with the help of Nicolas Cage (played seemingly without effort by Nicolas Cage), in a mission to save the world from nuclear warfare brought on by a renegade general and his team of mercenaries who have overtaken a national park in the waters of San Francisco Bay in their quest to obtain a $100 million ransom in the names of fallen comrades who died in covert operations throughout the world.
(E) All of the above.

Tim "Rock" Raines, 1990 Bowman

Frank Viola, 1990 Bowman

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: 0.2 ounces of teammates' cocaine
Key 1989 stat: One pair of stirrups worn all season
10 things Frank Viola could be saying the moment this photo was taken:
10) Burrrp!
9) Hiccup. Burp. Hiccup.
8) Belllllch!
7) Mmmmmuuuhhhhogggg!
6) Gghttwuuugghh!
5) Brrrontosaurrrus!
4) Gah! Both ends!
3) Belch! Burp! Belch!
2) Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrelllleccccchhhhpppppp!
1) Well, pardon me. I should not have partaken in those delicious Mr. Pibbs while my teammates dabbled in prescription painkillers and powder drugs. Oh, my, I am so embarrassed. Please, forgive me, my good sirs, for this objectionable bodily function.

Frank Viola, 1990 Bowman

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Bowman

Name: Ozzie Guillen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: On the Cuban black market, still nothing
Key 1989 stat: Magic Marker eyebrows
Fun facts about suspended Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen and the hideous sculpture in his team's stadium:

• The Marlins' sculpture offends people with its loud music and bright colors. Ozzie offends people with his loud mouth and not-so-bright comments.
• The Marlins' sculpture does crazy things during the team's home games. Ozzie says crazy things whenever he pleases.
• The Marlins' sculpture does its job when the team hits a home run. Ozzie's going to lose his job if the team doesn't start hitting more home runs.
• Ozzie Guillen offered praise for an oppressive dictator. The Marlins' sculpture could be considered a torture device.
• Ozzie Guillen apologized for his comments about Fidel Castro. Castro and the rest of the world are owed an apology for that outfield monstrosity.

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Bowman

Eric King, 1990 Bowman

Name: Eric King
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's not worth a crap
Key 1989 stat: One disgusting pregame ritual
Eric King's train of thought from 1:03 to 1:05 p.m. June 14, 1989: "Oh, man. Oh man oh man oh man. I need to go. I need to go so bad. I can't believe Coach made me come out of the clubhouse before I finished my pregame ritual. I had to pinch it off. This isn't healthy. Why didn't I read the sign behind me? 'Take a dump before game.' Well, no turning back now. My teammates are batting. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. Maybe if I reposition myself on this bench and clutch this lineup card. Ugh. No, this isn't working. Oh, man. It's happening. It's all bad. It's terrible. Oh no, it won't stop. White Sox? Sure. But definitely not white undies. Three outs? Oh, no."

Eric King, 1990 Bowman

Bob Hamelin, 1990 Bowman

Name: Bob Hamelin
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: Designated hitter, first base
Value of card: A cassette tape of Dee-Lite's "Groove is in the Heart"
Key 1990 stat: 17 cows tipped
He's earned this: Bob Hamelin may look like a big ol' slack-jawed country bumpkin in this photo, but in 1994, he was the American League rookie of the year. (No, really! We didn't remember, either.) Here are a handful of less important yet equally forgotten awards Big Bob has won:

• Boy Scout of the Month, Troop No. 1399, April 1980
• Hairiest arms at Buffalo Bill's Tequila Shooter Night, Kansas City, Mo., Aug. 13, 2001
• Student of the week, Mrs. Evans' third-grade remedial English class, Feb. 3-10, 1974
• Employee of the month, Beef n' Brawn strip club, November 2000
• Worst Sophomore Slump, American League, 1995 (.168 batting average)

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp.com.

Bob Hamelin, 1990 Bowman

Ken Phelps, 1990 Bowman

Name: Ken Phelps
Team: Oakland A's
Position: First base
Value of card: Tough to see it being worth anything
Key 1989 stat: Two eyeballs (Look close, they're big and back there.)
Clearing up some rumors about Ken Phelps:

• Phelps didn't protect his eyes from the sun. He protected the sun from his eyes.
• Phelps didn't wear aviator sunglasses. People who flew planes wore Keniator sunglasses.
• Phelps' jersey wasn't mesh. He didn't mesh with anyone.
• Phelps didn't grow a mustache. He kept his pine tar above the lip.
• Phelps didn't wear sunglasses for style. He was blind. Shame on you.

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp.com.

Ken Phelps, 1990 Bowman

Juan Berenguer, 1990 Bowman

Name: Juan Berenguer
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Priceless in Panama; jack squat in the U.S.
Key 1989 stat: 14,209 chimichangas eaten
What does Juan Berenguer stand for?

Jelly doughnuts, and lots of them.
Undying faith in Christ...
And chicken fried steak.
Never had much use for haircuts.

Ballcap sweat is immense — and this is just a photo shoot.
Eerie resemblance to Machete.
Round mound of not covering first base.
Eventually played for pretty much every team in the majors.
Nose hair: The only category in which he led the league.
Gazing off into distance gives him a look of wisdom ...
Until you realize he's just looking to see if the hot dog guy's working yet.
Earned the nickname "The Panamanian Paunch."
Retired in 1993, but his mustache kept playing till '99.

Juan Berenguer, 1990 Bowman

Will Clark, 1990 Bowman Sweepstakes

Name: Will Clark

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: First base

Value of card: Not redeemable with any proof of purchase

Key 1989 stat: 4,852 sweepstakes entered, zero won

Enter to win a pop quiz:

Fans were encouraged to enter a sweepstakes on the back of this card. What was the prize?

(A) The opportunity to draw the next year's sweepstakes card, and to do it better.

(B) A Giants jersey with the "SF" 6 inches lower than it should be.

(C) The same worthless Will Clark illustration card.

(D) The hair ripped from Clark's arm.

(E) A cheap "Thrill."

(F) None of the above.

Will Clark, 1990 Bowman Sweepstakes

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Bowman Sweepstakes insert

Name: Nolan Ryan

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Ace

Value of card: Three scraps of dried paint

Key 1989 stat: Four hairs in bangs

10 titles for this fabulous work of art:

10) "Staring into Senility"

9) "Norman Rockwell's The Geezer"

8) "Below the Waist, Chaps Only, No. 5"

7) "No Lips in Blue"

6) "Profile of a Profile of a Pitcher"

5) "A Texas Ranger, But Not Chuck Norris"

4) "Portrait of the Artist's Grandfather"

3) "Mrs. Coverdale's Fourth-Grade Art Assignment, By Tommy Fitzsimmons"

2) "Old on Canvas"

1) "The Bald Ranger"

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Bowman Sweepstakes insert