Nolan Ryan, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: A Burger King french fry that has fallen on the ground
Key 1989 stat: One crowning achievement
Bow down before the one you serve: In 1990, Donruss granted Nolan Ryan what is truly the greatest honor in baseball history: Donruss King of Kings. (Not to worry      they kept pumping out regular old Diamond Kings for several more years.) With the distinction came a handful of benefits such as golden bolls of cotton, multicolored laser beams and a small painting of himself looking kind of like Tim Robbins in "Bull Durham." But, going by the above larger, more stunning portrait, what should the King of Kings' historical nickname be? Here are some options.

• King Nolan the Broken-Nosed
• King Nolan of Two Chins
• King Nolan the Slightly Wall-Eyed
• King Nolan the Rosy-Cheeked
• King Mole-an

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Ozzie Guillen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Two blue squares
Key 1989 stat: No curse-laden rants in front of the media
Ozzie Guillen's reaction after seeing this Diamond King for the first time: "What is this? What the (expletive) is this? Is this a (expletive) joke? Look at this piece of (expletive)! Is that suppose to be my face? Does this mother(expletive) artist think I had a (expletive) stroke, or did he make one half of my beautiful face sag for no good (expletive) reason? You got to be (expletive) kiddin' me! And what is that stupid (expletive) background? I could draw something (expletive) better than that (expletive) by eating a box of (expletive) crayons and (expletive) them out of my (expletive) on a blank (expletive) canvas! Those colors make me want to (expletive) puke all over the (expletive) floor. What is that (expletive) blue thing supposed to be? Part of the (expletive) state of Kentucky? A (expletive) tear in the space-time (expletive) continuum? No (expletive) way. No chance. Who would buy this (expletive) (expletive)? (Expletive)."

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Jim Deshaies, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Jim Deshaies
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 cent for every color in the background
Key 1989 stat: 432,186 mispronunciations of his last name
There are six colors behind Deshaies; here's what they stand for:

Purple represents royalty, which Deshaies and the rest of the Astros were not.
Yellow represents sunshine, of which little shone down on Deshaies and the rest of the Astros.
Orange represents warmth, which Deshaies and the rest of the Astros rarely received from fans.
Green represents money, which Deshaies and the rest of the Astros were said to have stolen given their performance on the field.
Red represents anger, much of which was directed at Deshaies and the rest of the Astros.
White represents purity, something this blog has never been accused of.

Jim Deshaies, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Pete O'Brien, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Pete O'Brien
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: First base
Value of card: 0.75 pounds of ash
Key 1989 stat: One gray undershirt worn during 162 games
He's red-hot: Oh, man, did Donruss ever nail it here. Pete O'Brien, ladies and gentlemen, was on fire in 1990. He was so hot, his mullet would spontaneously combust during games. He was so hot, he'd light his cigarettes with his finger. He was so hot, he'd boil water by swigging off a bottle, gurgling and spitting it into a pot. He was so hot, he would walk around with yellow, orange and red flames jumping off his back — strangely, with the colors never mixing and staying separate in straight lines. Pete O'Brien was so hot in 1990, he hit .224 with five homers and 27 RBIs. Nice work, Donruss.

Pete O'Brien, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Mickey Tettleton, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Name: Mickey Tettleton
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One Mickey's cap (not Tettleton's hat)
Key 1989 stat: Apparently, dodged a lot of paintballs
Fun facts about Mickey Tettleton and American painter Jackson Pollock:

• Jackson Pollock was renowned for dripping paint on the canvas. Mickey Tettleton was renowned for letting the last few drops drip down his pants.
• Pollock's work has been displayed in the MoMA. Tettleton's trophies are still on display at his mom's house.
• One of Pollock's most impressive works was "No. 5 1948." Tettleton once took an impressive No. 2 after eating 1,948 doughnut holes in a day.
• Pollock's art has been the subject of much critical debate. Tettleton's play was also the subject of much criticism.
• Pollock died in 1965, and was thus spared from the ridiculous 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings subset, including this Tettleton card.

Mickey Tettleton, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Dan Gladden, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Dan Gladden
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Glad bag, ripped
Key 1989 stat: 0-and-46 against Kirby Puckett in eating competitions
Finishing with a grimace: What's the most disturbing thing about this Diamond King?

A) Dan Gladden's lopsided face
B) Dan Gladden's trillions of wrinkles
C) Dan Gladden's 20-hair mustache
D) Dan Gladden's squinty, pea-size eyes
E) Tiny, dancing Dan Gladden
F) The lopsided border. Poor form, Donruss!

Dan Gladden, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Kevin Mitchell, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The plaque scraped off Mitchell's gold tooth
Key 1989 stat: One catch that proved Mitchell was a man's man
10 awesome things that make this illustration awesomely horrendous:
10) The turtleneck reaching up the neck and to the heavens
9) The "Three Musketeers" facial hair
8) The wrapping paper background
7) The Jackson Pollock border
6) The Chin of Chins
5) The rarely-seen-in-nature jheri-curl man mullet
4) The finest gold tooth in all of the greater Bay Area
3) Mini-Mitchell
2) Big Mitchell
1) Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell and Mitchell

Kevin Mitchell, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Bo Jackson, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six gallstones in a glass beaker
Key 1989 stat: One player, one card set, two expressions
So, what does Bo Jackson the sarcastic Diamond King stand for?

Brilliant use of muted colors
Only the finest paints the world has to offer

Just the right amount of emotion caught in his expression
Art that belongs on a museum wall
Critical praise has been heaped upon this rendering
King is too pedestrian a term for a card of such high value
Sophistication has been a hallmark of this acclaimed series
Ostensibly a portrait of Bo Jackson, but so much more
Novice artists could learn a thousand things from breathing in this card's beauty

Bo Jackson, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Ellis Burks, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Ellis Burks
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 1/1,000,000th the price of a Jackson Pollock painting
Key 1990 stat: 137 paint splatters on his Diamond King
Fun facts about renowned painter Jackson Pollock and Ellis Burks:

• Pollock was known for his "splatter" paintings. Burks often "splattered" all over himself.
• Pollock was a major figure in the abstract expressionist movement. Burks preferred the bowel movement.
• Pollock died in an alcohol-related car accident. Burks' beard came about in much the same way.
• Pollock was regarded as a reclusive artist. Burks became reclusive when he saw this card.
• Pollock put much of himself in his paintings. Burks didn't have to. He already had a little Ellis in this card.

Ellis Burks, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Willie Randolph, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Willie Randolph
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Second base
Value of card: Something I just drew
Key 1989 stat: One questionable all-star selection
Look closer: At first glance, Willie Randolph appears to be tremendously happy in this illustration, smiling as big as he can. But take a closer look. The apprehension in the eyes. The grinding teeth. The tensed Adam's apple. Willie Randolph isn't smiling with joy — he's grimacing in terror! We can only assume he just glimpsed Tommy Lasorda and Fernando Valenzuela sharing a whirlpool.

Willie Randolph, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Ken Griffey Jr., 1990 Donruss Diamond King (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week, No. 7)

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One terrible drawing
Key 1989 stat: 17-inch neck
What makes this Diamond King so atrocious? It's an unfitting end to Atrocious Diamond Kings Week. Or is it? Sure, The Kid is one of the greatest players of all time, but when this approximate rendering of him was done, he had all of 127 games under his belt. How was that supposed to make grizzled veterans like Bryn Smith and Ed Whitson feel? And then there's the wonderful drawing on this card. Griffey's neck is bigger than his head, his hat appears to be orbiting around his hair, and the background looks like a Trapper Keeper jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and landed on the sun. So while Griffey may have in fact been a king of the diamond, this card is more like a Diamond Eunuch.

Ken Griffey Jr., 1990 Donruss Diamond King (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week, No. 7)

Ed Whitson, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: "Easy" Ed Whitson

Team: San Diego Padres

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Half a hit of acid to "breathe in" this card's background

Key 1989 stat: Who? Whitson? Can't find any key stats.

What makes this Diamond King so atrocious? Sure, the illustration is abysmal, especially Whitson's smaller-than-possible eyes, exaggerated wrinkles and curly kindergarten bangs. But what really puts this Diamond King in a D-league all its own is, simply, Whitson's inclusion as a Diamond King. Here's a guy who's best known for breaking Yankees manager Billy Martin's arm and two of his ribs, when Whitson was a Yankees starter. Was this brawl booze-fueled? For sure. Was Martin jealous of Whitson's unevenly weighted mustache? Maybe. Was Whitson so used to kicking ass on the field that it spilled into the hotel bar? No chance. A few choice career statistics: 126-123 record; 2,240 hits given up in 2,240 innings (wow); one pitching "angel" on his shoulder at all times, telling him, "You're the best, Ed, look to my drawn-in bulge for inspiration."

Ed Whitson, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Bryn Smith, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Bryn Smith

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Let's just say it should be called a Cubic Zirconia King

Key 1989 stat: Zero other decent players on Expos

A fitting beginning to Atrocious Diamond Kings Week: What makes this Diamond King so atrocious? Where to begin. Let's start with the man himself. Who is Bryn Smith? No idea. Maybe he's Bryan Smith and Donruss, in the company's infinite wisdom, forgot a letter in his first name. He appears to be a pitcher - a really, really old pitcher. Start counting the wrinkles on his face and neck. One, two, three ... 613, 614, 615. OK, stop. Imagine how many there would be if that streetperson - or streetsweeper - beard wasn't covering three-quarters of his face. Well, at least the Expos' uniforms are attractive. Ummm. Let's move on. The shapes behind the mugshot illustration are works of art - if you're hallucinating after chewing 20-year-old baseball card gum. Does this card have any redeeming qualities? Well, no, but the paint splatter in the card's border is probably the closest thing.

Card and idea submitted by Greg Schindler

Bryn Smith, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Brian Meyer, 1990 Donruss

Name: Brian Meyer

Team: Houston Astros

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 8 yards of collar

Key 1989 stat: An unknown number of trends set

Slave to fashion: Who can forget the summer of 1989, when little-used Astros reliever Brian Meyer set the world on fire with his fashion sense? Meyer played in only 12 games that season, giving him plenty of time with his sketchpad, designing the latest in men's sportswear and facial hair. Here we see his trademark oversize, three-stripe collar that was so large it could only be partially popped. The collar was eventually found to be a safety hazard because it reduced peripheral vision by 23 percent. Meyer is also rocking his handlebar mustache-side goatee combo, which, it was later learned, only came about because Meyer fell asleep while shaving.

Brian Meyer, 1990 Donruss

Bo Jackson, 1990 Donruss MVP

Name: Bo Jackson

Team: Kansas City Royals

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Less than the sweat wiped from Bo's forehead

Key 1989 stat: 112 paint splotches on card

Time for a most valuable pop quiz:

What does this particular M.V.P. award stand for?

(A) Misplaced V-neck Position

(B) Mouth Very Problematic

(C) Most Valuable Bust

(D) Mass Volume: Perspiration

(E) Moderately Vile Penmanship

(F) None of the above

Bo Jackson, 1990 Donruss MVP

Juan Gonzalez, 1990 Donruss

Name: Juan Gonzalez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Minus-1 cent
Key 1989 stat: 618 backward K's
ziuq poP:

Why is Juan Gonzalez backward?
A) He's not. He's wearing his "rally jersey."
B) He's not. He's taunting the pitcher by changing his number to e1.
C) He's not. That prankster Al Newman is just messing with your head.
D) He's not. That reverse 19 is just where Nolan Ryan branded him.
E) It's just a cardmaking error, you idiot. Stop giving us all these damn quizzes!

Juan Gonzalez, 1990 Donruss