Jerry Rice and Joe Montana, 1990 Fleer Super Bowl MVPs (Football Friday No. 81)

Names: Jerry Rice, Joe Montana

Team: San Francisco 49ers

Positions: Wide receiver, quarterback, Hall of Famers

Value of card: Two grains of rice in the Montana back country

Key 1989 stat: One word, "Superbowl," which, of course, is two words, which is embarrassing for Fleer

A legendary edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Hall of Fame inductions (Winner: Tie)

Round 2: History of dominating without equal at chosen position (Winner: Tie)

Round 3: Command of disarming charm that works the world over (Winner: Tie)

Round 4: Perfect IQ score, achieved without looking at questions (Winner: Tie)

Round 5: Endowment of superhero powers of mind and muscle (Winner: Tie)

Round 6: Ability to walk on water (Winner: Tie)

Round 7: Status as omnipotent being (Winner: Tie)

Score: Rice 0, Montana 0, Ties 7

Synopsis: For the first time in their Earth-bound lives, Rice and Montana don't score. But how could they? They knew they were competing against each other, and chose to let the Ties get the seven points.

Jerry Rice and Joe Montana, 1990 Fleer Super Bowl MVPs (Football Friday No. 81)

Pascual Perez, 1990 Fleer

Name: Pascual Perez
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The cold feeling of rejection
Key 1989 stat: Zero autographs given
It's a Pascual Perez Pop Quiz!

How come nobody's asking Pascual for an autograph?

A) Because he insists on signing items with a pen filled with hair gel.
B) Because the Expos never actually had any fans.
C) Because his mom only has so many things for him to sign.
D) Because he stunk — and not just on the mound.
E) All of the above.

Pascual Perez, 1990 Fleer

Fernando Valenzuela, 1990 Fleer

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 50 cents off three rolled tacos with cheese at Filiberto's
Key 1989 stat: 500 orders of Filiberto's three rolled tacos with cheese eaten
Clearing up some rumors about Fernando "El Toro" Valenzuela:

• Valenzuela did not struggle with his weight. He purposefully put on pounds to look like his hero, Tommy Lasorda.
• That is not Valenzuela's bulge your seeing there. It's just the rest of his tummy.
• "Fernandomania" never stopped. It just signed with a Mexican league team.
• "Los Tres Fernandos" is not a top-shelf tequila. It's a bottom-shelf baseball card.
• Valenzuela did not eat his weight in Godfather's Pizza. The restaurant couldn't make that much pizza in one day.
• "The Fernando Valenzuela Story" is not in production. But, yes, if it were, it would star "SNL" funnyman Horatio Sanz.

Fernando Valenzuela, 1990 Fleer

Joe Oliver, 1990 Fleer

Name: Joe Oliver
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Red
Key 1989 stat: 700 lipstick stains
Ten things you never wanted to know about Joe Oliver's catcher's mitt:
10) Its nickname was Hot Lips.
9) It never put out on the first date. Usually.
8) It kept custody of the kids when it and Oliver divorced in '98.
7) It never really liked baseball, but faked interest to keep Joe happy.
6) Its sister was Janice from the "Muppet Show" band.
5) It used to cheat on Oliver with starting catcher Jeff Reed.
4) It only chewed Big Red.
3) Its favorite pitch to catch was the high hard one.
2) Leathery on the outside, sweaty on the inside.
1) It only wore such garish lipstick for photo day.

Joe Oliver, 1990 Fleer

Matt Kinzer, Wayne Edwards, 1990 Fleer

Names: Matt Kinzer, Wayne Edwards
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals, Chicago White Sox
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Poor prospects
Key career stat (Kinzer only): 13.20 ERA
Fun facts about Wayne Edwards and Matt Kinzer:

• Wayne Edwards would like to know how your day was. Matt Kinzer doesn't give a good crap about your day. Now get him a beer.
• Edwards wasn't afraid to throw inside if a hitter was crowding the plate. Kinzer wasn't afraid to bean a mascot for being too damn fuzzy.
• Edwards worked hard on his mechanics. Kinzer is now working as a mechanic.
• Edwards made appearances in the White Sox lineup in three different years. Kinzer has made appearances in police lineups and served three to five years.
• Edwards kept a splitter up his sleeve as his strikeout pitch. Kinzer kept a fifth of cherry-flavored vodka in that plastic sleeve of his.
• Edwards was always excited to take the mound. Kinzer once snorted a mound.
• Edwards was about to record a punch-out in his photo above. Kinzer was about to punch out the photographer, who told him to say "cheese."

Matt Kinzer, Wayne Edwards, 1990 Fleer

Jose Canseco, 1990 Fleer League Standouts

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Seven Joses
Key 1989 stat: One earthquake survived
It's science: If you're viewing this card in standard 2-D, it may look like seven Jose Cansecos have been Photoshopped on top of each other, each slightly larger than the last. However, for just $19.95, you can see this card in glorious 3-D! In three dimensions, you'll be able to perceive the following features:

• The needle sticking out of Canseco's backside.
• Mark McGwire's disgust
• Baseball's dignity dying a slow, painful death.
• Bulge, bulge, bulge!
• The last time the A's were relevant.

Jose Canseco, 1990 Fleer League Standouts

Kirby Puckett and Bo Jackson, 1990 Fleer Human Dynamos

Names: Kirby Puckett, Bo Jackson

Teams: Minnesota Twins, Kansas City Royals

Positions: Outfield, outfield

Value of card: $2 (check that) 2 cents (check that) Two dust bunnies

Key 1989 stat: One legendary athlete; one Kirby Puckett

Fun Facts about Kirby Puckett and Bo Jackson:

• Bo Jackson played baseball and football. Kirby Puckett played baseball and with himself.
• Bo Jackson is a "human dynamo." Kirby Puckett is a human.
• Bo Jackson had many roles in sports. Kirby Puckett had many rolls on his neck.
• Bo Jackson was known for his records. Kirby Puckett was known for his record.
• Bo Jackson wrote one book. Kirby Puckett was booked more than once.
• Bo Jackson made spectacular grabs and catches. Kirby Puckett grabbed and was caught.
• Bo Jackson played for the Raiders. Kirby Puckett was also a criminal.

Kirby Puckett and Bo Jackson, 1990 Fleer Human Dynamos

Greg Smith and Stu Tate, 1990 Fleer

Names: Greg Smith, Stu Tate
Teams: Chicago Cubs, San Francisco Giants
Positions: Infield, pitcher
Value of card: One copy of the May 1987 Highlights magazine
Key lifetime stat: 29 combined career games
Fun facts about Greg Smith and Stu Tate:

• Greg Smith lays his coat over puddles for women to walk on. Stu Tate opens his raincoat around women for other reasons.
• Greg Smith enters a house of worship every Sunday. Stu Tate enters a house of ill repute every Saturday night.
• Greg Smith likes to take his dog for a walk in the park. Stu Tate likes to take a handle of cherry-flavored vodka to the park and pass out there.
• Greg Smith takes good care of his body. Stu Tate has stolen at least five kidneys from other people's bodies.
• Greg Smith takes his vitamins. Stu Tate sells pills in alleyways.
• Greg Smith likes to read books. Stu Tate likes to make books.
• Greg Smith takes pride in his hygiene. Stu Tate smells like a week's worth of blood sausage and Hai Karate.

Greg Smith and Stu Tate, 1990 Fleer

Alex Cole, 1990 Fleer

Name: Alex Cole

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Position: Outfield

Value of card: One mustache trim at Fantastic Sam's

Key 1989 stat: Two windshields for lenses

Time for another pop quiz:

What is Alex Cole thinking?

(A) Why am I swinging a 6-foot broom handle?

(B) I need to get a pair of Oakleys that are five sizes too big.

(C) Man, this dress belt I got from Siegfried & Roy sure is tight.

(D) Why are my glasses being held on by a Jamaican flag?

(E) All of the above.

Alex Cole, 1990 Fleer

Nolan Ryan and Mike Scott, 1990 Fleer Super Star Specials

Names: Nolan Ryan, Mike Scott

Teams: Texas Rangers, Houston Astros

Positions: Aces

Value of card: 1/300 of a cent

Key 1989 stat: One bitter rivalry

An argument deep in the heart of Texas:

Ryan: (To cameraman) "Do we really have to do this?"

Scott: (Also to cameraman) "Seriously, partner, I can't stand this old man."

Ryan: (Turning to Scott) "Listen here, sonny, you can't hold my Texas-heated jockstrap. I'm the Ryan Express."

Scott: "Express to the old-folks home."

Ryan: "You're awfully mouthy for a guy with a junior mullet and no sideburns."

Scott: "Let me apologize: I'm sorry my flowing locks unleash the jealously of a man suffering from male-pattern baldness."

Ryan: "We'll see how you look when you're my age."

Scott: "I won't be wearing 2-pound eyebrows, I'll tell you that."

Ryan: "Leave my bushy buddies out of this, son."

Scott: "Yeah, what are you going to do about it, grandpa?"

Ryan: "I'll grab that 6-inch Adam's apple of yours and make you scream like a woman."

Scott: "You mean like your pretty-little wife did last night?"

(Cameraman separates the two.)

Ryan: "You know, that 'T-R-O-S' on your jersey should be replaced with an 'S-H-O-L-E.'"

Nolan Ryan and Mike Scott, 1990 Fleer Super Star Specials

Mark Davis, Mitch Williams, 1990 Fleer Superstar Special

Names: Mark Davis, Mitch Williams
Teams: San Diego Padres, Chicago Cubs
Positions: Closer
Value of card: One elastic waistband
Key 1989 stats: Dozens of disturbing pants creases
It's a ninth-inning Matchup:

Round 1: Scraggly beard (Winner: Williams)
Round 2: Bulge (Winner: Davis)
Round 3: Smaller heads growing out of shoulders (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Little League-style baseball pants (Winner: Williams)
Round 5: Classic choke jobs awaiting in future (Winner: Williams)
Round 6: Status as a forgotten Cy Young winner (Winner: Davis)
Round 7: Nicknames stolen from "Major League" (Winner: Williams)
Round 8: Status as an actual superstar (Winner: Neither)

Score: Williams 4, Davis 2 (1 tie, 1 no decision)

Synopsis: The Wild Thing actually manages to hold on to a lead, though it should be noted he wasn't facing Joe Carter this time.

Mark Davis, Mitch Williams, 1990 Fleer Superstar Special

Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell, The Dynamic Duo, 1990 Fleer

Names: Will Clark, Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: Three feet apart
Key 1989 stat: 73 goofy faces
Awkward team photos: The Dynamic Duo, indeed. Kevin Mitchell and Will Clark were so dynamic in 1989, they repelled each other like magnets. Here, the powerful pair have been asked to pose for a photo together by the crack Fleer photography team. "Get a little closer, guys," the photog asked them. "We can't," Clark informed him. "Watch." Clark and Mitchell then tried to bump chests, jumping in the air, only to be forced apart and come tumbling down on their backs. Stunned, the photographer asked, "Well, what's the closest you can get? Can you at least put your arms around each other?" "Well, kind of," Mitchell said. The photog readied his camera and captured this image. As you can see, the force of the Dynamic Duo's repulsion was so strong, the slightest touch forced Clark to make a creepy bedroom-eyes face and Mitchell's head to appear pasted in.

Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell, The Dynamic Duo, 1990 Fleer