Dave Dravecky, 1990 Score

Name: Dave Dravecky
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 rolls of gauze
Key 1989 stat: 18 injuries
It's time for an injury-plagued pop quiz:

What were Dave Dravecky's other injuries?

(A) Cuts from the sharpness of his own hair helmet.
(B) Groin fatigue.
(C) Neck rash from turtleneck overuse.
(D) Face froze that way.
(E) All of the above.

Dave Dravecky, 1990 Score

Lance McCullers, 1990 Score

Name: Lance McCullers
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: Its value isn't worth a second look
Key 1989 stat: 1,271 pitches thrown, but not seen
It's time for a reader-submitted pop quiz:

Why isn't Lance McCullers looking at his pitch?

(A) He understands what the result will be.
(B) He's intimidated by the out-of-focus Blue Jays player wearing a pair of culottes.
(C) George Steinbrenner was standing behind the plate, shirtless.
(D) He's not pitching; he's passing gas in an exaggerated manner.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Lance McCullers, 1990 Score

Keith McCants, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 189)

Name: "Keith" McCants
Team: Tampa Bay "Buccaneers"
Position: "Linebacker"
Value of card: "Nothing" (quote-unquote)
Key 1989 stat: 212 articles of clothing that were "orange"
It's time for another "thrilling" pop quiz:

How do you know you're the "class" of 1990?

(A) You wear hats that are "two sizes too small."
(B) You have a mustache that's as "straight as a ruler."
(C) You're constantly surrounded by a "blinding orange-and-yellow aura."
(D) You're featured on a horrendous football "card."
(E) You're "described" using "unnecessary" quote "marks."
(F) All of the above.

Keith McCants, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 189)

Warren Moon, 1990 Score Hot Gun (Football Friday No. 134)

             

Name: Warren Moon

Team: Houston Oilers

Position: Quarterback

Value of card: Six drops of oil

Key 1989 stat: Zero photos that weren't blurry

Yup, it's another Wiki Entry: This is another in what is sure to become a much-loved Bust tradition. In this feature, we copy a Wikipedia entry straight from the site, and then change a few key words to make the description better fit the card. Enjoy what is sure to be the literary highlight of your day.
The Moon Wiki Entry (changes in red): Warren Moon The Moon is the only natural quarterback satellite in Houston, of the Earth, and the fifth largest dude satellite in the room. Solar System. He throws the football It is in synchronous rotation with his arm, Earth, always showing the same face with a mustache. He It is the brightest quarterback object in the league sky after Joe Montana, the Sun, although Moon's its surface is actually very dark, with a similar reflectance to coal. (Hey, blame Wikipedia.) His Its prominence in the league sky and his its regular cycle of passes phases have, since ancient times, made the Moon an important cultural influence on pulling down your pants and showing others. language, calendars, art and mythology. The Moon's gravitational influence produces lopsided victories the ocean tides and the minute lengthening of the team's time in the playoffs. day. The Moon's current bulge orbital distance, about 30 times the diameter of the Oilers logo, Earth, causes it to appear almost the same size on the bed in the sky as the pillow, Sun, allowing it to cover a woman the Sun nearly precisely in total solar eclipses.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Warren Moon, 1990 Score Hot Gun (Football Friday No. 134)

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score Ground Force (Football Friday No. 117)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Running back
Value of card: Smoke from a lightning strike trapped in a mason jar
Key 1989 stat: 1,200 singed hairs
Do you feel the burn? Bo Jackson was more than a football player. Bo Jackson was more than a baseball player. Hell, Bo Jackson was more than an athlete. Bo Jackson was a superhero, one who could survive a lightning strike with a smile on his face and a bulge in his pocket. How did Bo Jackson survive a lightning strike, you ask? Below are the ways in which Bo Jackson, the superhero leader of Ground Force, was hit by lightning, followed by what happened immediately afterward.

• Contact injury, when the victim was touching an object that was struck. (Bo was touching a lightning bolt when it was struck by another lightning bolt. The Chargers immediately lost 48-0.)
• Side splash, when current jumps from an object to the victim. (Bo showered in the side splash.) 
• Ground strike, current passing from a strike through the ground to the nearby victim. (Being a member of Ground Force counteracts the effects of a ground strike.)
• Direct strike, which is usually fatal. (It was fatal — for the lightning.)

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score Ground Force (Football Friday No. 117)

Dave Stewart and Mike Moore, 1990 Score

Names: Dave Stewart, Mike Moore
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Knowing that the A's were once good
Key 1989 stat: One shaky World Series
Key 2012 stat: Happy New Year to all six of our loyal readers
It's a World Series Matchup:

Round 1: Meanest look on face (Winner: Stewart)
Round 2: Goofiest look on face (Winner: Moore)
Round 3: Winning two games in a World Series sweep (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Liked peanut butter more (Winner: Moore)
Round 5: Drafted as a catcher (Winner: Stewart)
Round 6: Could pull a wagon with his teeth (Winner: Moore)
Round 7: Two first names (Winner: Stewart)

Final score: Stewart 3, Moore 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Not only did these guys refuse to lose to the Giants, they couldn't even lose to each other. But while a tie may be unsatisfying, the important thing about his card is the Actual World Series action photography. Thanks for pointing that out, Score.

Dave Stewart and Mike Moore, 1990 Score

Alan Zinter, 1990 Score

Name: Alan Zinter
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Blissful ignorance
Key career stat: 34 strikeouts in 78 at-bats. Yes, seriously.
New York Mets' scouting report on top draft pick Alan Zinter: "It's a good thing this guy wears a catcher's mask a lot, because he ain't exactly a looker. ... Has the potential to lead the league in chin. ... Swallows his gum. ... Says he reads at least one book a month. We didn't know there were that many 'Curious George' tales. ... All his clothes are made of mesh. His brain may be, as well. ... Threw out 60 percent of basestealers in 1989 — wait, no, that's 6.0 percent. Shoot. ... Should make a great 'player to be named later' at some point. ... Can squat with the best of 'em. ... He's a so-so hitter, but we're hoping his creepiness will force some mistakes from pitchers."

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com.

Alan Zinter, 1990 Score

Mitch Williams, 1990 Score Dream Team

Name: Mitch Williams
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Whatever the hell "LRP" is
Value of card: An empty bottle of Ambien
Key 1989 stat: More mullet than collar — barely
At the count of 10, you will wake from this quiz:

What makes Mitch Williams so dreamy?

A) The family of small birds nesting in his mullet
B) The way he suggestively leaves that elastic-laden warmup jacket slightly unzipped
C) The half-gallon of cologne he applies every morning
D) The fact that he just downed a fifth of Beam, passed out and began dreaming
E) None of the above
F) All of the above

Mitch Williams, 1990 Score Dream Team

Scott Bryant, 1990 Score

Name: Scott Bryant
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 8 pounds of unreached potential
Key career stat: Two definitions of bust
Cincinnati Reds' scouting report on top draft pick Scott Bryant: "Led his college team in home runs, RBI and squinting. ... Won the Dick Howser Trophy, whatever the heck that is. ... Smells like pretzels. ... He can hit the cover off the ball, but is more likely to wear it off through wind erosion from all his swings and misses. ... Ate paint chips as a child. ... His mother tells us he's a good boy. ... His college coach tells us to read "Of Mice And Men" for tips on how to teach him. ... He doesn't talk much. In fact, he doesn't move much, either. He may be dead."

Scott Bryant, 1990 Score

Terry Steinbach, 1990 Score Dream Team

Name: Terry Steinbach
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One VHS of "A Nightmare On Elm Street," broken
Key 1989 stat: 18,301 cases of night sweats given
We'd prefer insomnia: In 1990, the cardmakers at Score had an idea for a special subset featuring the game's best players. It was dubbed the Score Dream Team. The powers that be decided to create illustrations designed to make each player selected look as he possibly would in someone's actual dream. Chalk this one up to bad idea, worse execution. Look at Terry Steinbach, for example. He looks like a mascara-wearing vampire with fetal alcohol syndrome. His head is the size of an apple, and the finger sticking out of his mitt looks like a mint-covered Vienna sausage. Thankfully, Score would get it right the next year, when they decided to just make all the players selected get half-naked.

Terry Steinbach, 1990 Score Dream Team

Joe Montana, 1990 Score Hot Gun (Football Friday No. 56)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One first-degree burn
Key 1989 stat: An hour of snickering laughter over this card
This pop quiz is less accurate than Joe Montana:

What exactly makes Joe Montana a "Hot Gun"?

A) His cannon of an arm and pinpoint accuracy
B) The fact that he keeps his gun covered in Mizuno wristbands
C) That night in the Tenderloin when he shot that drifter
D) Ask Mrs. Montana
E) All of the above

Joe Montana, 1990 Score Hot Gun (Football Friday No. 56)

Lawrence Taylor, 1990 Score Crunch Crew (Super Bowl Week No. 4)

Name: Lawrence Taylor

Team: New York Giants

Position: Linebacker

Value of card: Nothing. It's "whak"

Key Super Bowl stat: 16 whaks

L.T. doesn't stand for "little testosterone": Lawrence Taylor changed football more than any other defensive player in the history of the NFL. He crunched quarterbacks, scrunched offensive schemes and munched meatloaf sandwiches. He was a self-described adrenaline junkie who got as much pleasure from sacking a quarterback as jumping from an airplane or snorting a shoestring-size line of cocaine. He did so much cocaine, in fact, that it would emanate in vapor form from his head, hands, back, shoulders, thighs and feet, as can be seen in the above card. Fueled by charisma and cocaine, Taylor led the Giants to Super Bowl victories after the 1986 and 1990 seasons.

Fun fact: The background of the above card shows the reality Taylor experienced during early 1990s cocaine binges.

Lawrence Taylor, 1990 Score Crunch Crew (Super Bowl Week No. 4)

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score (Bo Week, No. 4)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Shirtless Wonders
Position: Wait, this looks familiar
Value of card: One case of deja vu
Key 1989 stat: Won the redundancy award for redundancy
Here we go again: Shoulder pads, baseball bat, ridiculous lack of jersey — yup, we've been here before. Thankfully, the back of the card is a font of useful information. Hold on, isn't this the same photo as earlier, just with the football pants cropped out? What kind of talentless hacks take the same gimmick and use it over and over? Speaking of which, let's get a quick pop quiz in here.

What other companies used this photo to advertise their products?
A) Playgirl, Bartles & Jaymes and NAPA Auto Parts
B) Playgirl, Playtex and Play-Doh
C) Playgirl, Missouri Lottery and the Smithsonian Institution
D) Playgirl, Crazy Teddy's New & Used Car Sales and NASA
E) Nike, Gatorade and Tecmo. And Playgirl

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score (Bo Week, No. 4)

Jerome Brown, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 22)

Name: Jerome Brown

Team: Philadelphia Eagles

Position: Defensive tackle

Value of card: Three squares of toilet paper

Key 1989 stat: 10 awful smells wrapped into one

Quite a price for a play: Jerome Brown played hard. He'd do anything to make a play. This zeal was witnessed during a 1989 Philadelphia Eagles-Washington Redskins game when the defensive tackle crammed his face into quarterback Doug Williams' rear end to secure a third-down tackle. Lucky for Brown, this defining moment will live on forever thanks to the crack Score photography team. Too often early 1990s football cards showed interior linemen on sidelines with steam rising from their heads, or down on a knee, trying to lift themselves from a dogpile. But here, in all its glory, scores of American children were given the chance to see a 300-pound man with his nose, mouth, lips and chin jammed into the sweat-sopped backside of a 35-year-old Super Bowl champion. As Brown remarked after the game, "It smelled of sweat, crap, rotten fish, a rest stop mop, an amputee stump, crap, desperation, defeat, crap and a Sahara nomad's jock strap, and it tasted worse, but I made the play, and we won." So did the children of this great nation.

Jerome Brown, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 22)

Sterling Sharpe, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 15)

Name: Sterling Sharpe
Team: Green Bay Packers
Positions: Wide receiver, Rocket man
Value of card: One background from an Atari football video game
Key 1989 stat: 134 times impersonating Elton John
Sterling Shatner sings: She packed my pads last night, preflight. Zero hour, nine a.m. And I'm gonna be high as Brett Favre by then.
I miss the Earth so much. I miss my wife. It's lonely out in Green Bay, on such a timeless flight. And I think it's gonna be a long, long time till a touchdown brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home. Oh no, no, no, I'm a rocket man.
Rocket man, burning out his fuse up here alone.
Lambeau ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact it's cold as hell — and there's no one there to raise them if you did. And all this science, I don't understand. It's just my job one day a week. A rocket man, a rocket man. And I think it's gonna be a long, long time...

Sterling Sharpe, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 15)

Barry Sanders, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 8)

Name: Barry Sanders
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Running back
Value of card: 13 puns
Key 1989 stat: Zero weather-related injuries
It's bad pun time: Barry Sanders stormed onto the NFL stage in 1989 and immediately made it rain for the Detroit Lions. His lightning-fast speed left defenders in clouds of dust; his cutback ability shocked fans, opponents and media alike. When he wasn't bolting for the end zone, he was helping block, allowing time for his quarterback to throw a strike downfield. For 10 seasons, he electrified the league, thundering his way to 15,269 career yards and 99 touchdowns. But after the 1998 campaign, he set off a media tempest by retiring at age 30, his career seemingly over in a flash. Rumors of a comeback rumbled for years, but, his spark for football extinguished, Sanders never set foot on the field again.

Barry Sanders, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 8)