Ken Oberkfell, 1990 Topps

Name: Ken Oberkfell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: 17 hangnails
Key 1989 stat: 22 times getting stuck in the batting cage net
It's time for a super-cool pop quiz:

Just how stylish is Ken Oberkfell?

(A) Birds are jealous of his feathered mullet.
(B) Your sister can't get enough of his invisible 'stache.
(C) He loves turtlenecks so much, he owns two turtles.
(D) He wears a Starter jacket despite not being a starter.
(E) All of the above.

Ken Oberkfell, 1990 Topps

Rob Deer, 1990 Topps Big

Name: Rob Deer
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: An 8-oz. bag of deer scat
Key 1989 stat: Twice put sticks on his head, pretended they were antlers
It's a return to the Wiki Entry: Deer (singular and plural) are the ruminant mammals forming the Brewers right field family Cervidae. Male Deer deer of all species (except the Ron Robinson Chinese water deer) and also female Deer family members reindeer grow and shed new mustaches antlers each year. In this they differ from permanently hirsute horned animals such as Pete Vuckovich antelope; these are in the same order as Deer deer and may bear a superficial resemblance. ... The word "Deer" "deer" was originally broad in meaning, but became more specific over time. In Middle America English, Deer der meant a wild swinger animal of any kind.

Rob Deer, 1990 Topps Big

Calvin Schiraldi, 1990 Topps

Name: Calvin Schiraldi
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An old disposable camera with no film left
Key 1989 stat: It wasn't 1986
Time for a rant: Hey, nice photo here, Topps. It's amazing you were able to get this picture considering that it looks like the stadium behind him was being vaporized. Or was the horrendous background exposure your way of keeping Calvin Schiraldi's location a secret, confounding any Red Sox fans who might have wanted to take revenge on the losing pitcher of Games 6 and 7 of the '86 World Series? If so, that's fine work, because it's barely even possible to tell that this is a ball field. But, hey, at least you got a great shot of Schiraldi himself. What, you couldn't find more brown shirts to swaddle this guy with? Did you even tell him it was photo day ahead of time? The poor S.O.B. looks like he just woke up on the locker room floor after a night of shooting cherry-flavored vodka with Eric Show. Card collectors everywhere must have been really proud to acquire this gem.

Calvin Schiraldi, 1990 Topps

Bo Jackson, 1990 Topps BIG

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: You ever heard the term "a king's ransom"? The opposite of that.
Key 1989 stat: Looked good in baby blue
It's the return of The Caption, which ran with this artistic illustration in a Kansas City-area newspaper in early 1990: "Royals outfielder Bo Jackson could be the spark that leads Kansas City back to World Series glory this season      that is, if he can stop dreaming about eating a third of a pie filled with a miniature version of himself."

Bo Jackson, 1990 Topps BIG

Andre Reed, 1990 Topps (Football Friday No. 114)

Name: Andre "Dre Dog" Reed
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Six Old E' 40s
Key 1989 stat: Two slugs in da chamber
Reed n the Hood: Andre Reed was a well-known wide receiver for the Bills in the 1990s, but few fans know he played a small role in the hit 1991 coming-of-age-in-the-ghetto film, "Boyz n the Hood." Reed's performance, a photo from which is above, was left on the cutting-room floor, but here are five lessons learned by his character, Dre Dog.

(1) 14-pound beanies keep your head warm — in the hood
(2) Pencil-thin mustaches make you look good — in the hood
(3) Ya gots to hustle for the dollar-dollar Bills, y'all — in the hood
(4) Looking like Ice-T gets you small roles in movies about the hood — in the hood
(5) Top-tier high school running backs with scholarship offers to USC get gunned down — in the hood

Andre Reed, 1990 Topps (Football Friday No. 114)

Curt Schilling, 1990 Topps

Name: Curt Schilling
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Ignorance
Key 1989 stat: One small sample size
Orioles' scouting report on young right-hander Curt Schilling, circa 1990: "Expert at buttoning up his jersey all the way. ... Raw. That describes his talent and how he likes his steaks. ... Fastball could use some work. So could his eyebrows. ... We're hoping he'll be able to grow into a spot in our rotation. He's hoping he'll be able to grow some facial hair someday. ... Got ketchup on his sock the other day. Made a big production out of it. ... His sleeves go longer in a game than he can right now. ... You know what? Screw it, let's trade him. He'll never accomplish much."

Curt Schilling, 1990 Topps

Barry Sanders and Christian Okoye, 1990 Topps Rushing Leaders (Football Friday No. 105)

Names: Barry Sanders, Christian Okoye
Teams: Detroit Lions, Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Running backs
Value of card: 14 rotten eggs, smashed on your head while you sleep
Key 1989 stats: About 14,000 rushing yards (each)
It's time for a fast and powerful version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Unbelievable maneuverability (Winner: Sanders)
Round 2: Unstoppable power (Winner: Okoye)
Round 3: Thunder (Winner: Okoye)
Round 4: Lightning (Winner: Sanders)
Round 5: Doubting look (Winner: Sanders)
Round 6: Doubted facial hair (Winner: Okoye)
Round 7: Better nickname (Winner: Okoye)

Score: Okoye 4, Sanders 3

Synopsis: It was a memorable Matchup between two legendary running backs, but, this time, the Nigerian Nightmare bests the Hall of Famer, with a little help from "Tecmo Bowl" and a lot of help from a nickname.

Barry Sanders and Christian Okoye, 1990 Topps Rushing Leaders (Football Friday No. 105)

Paul Kilgus, 1990 Topps

Name: Paul Kilgus
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The hair from the Kilgus family drain (they had only one)
Key 1989 stat: Umm ... (flipping through stat books) umm ... oh! One Kilgus in Major League Baseball
Time for a Kilgus pop quiz:

What exactly is a Kilgus?

(A) A chin that seems to disappear under the bottom lip
(B) A dual-colored "double belt" popular in France in the late 1980s
(C) The hair hanging below a cap's brim
(D) A turtleneck cut into a mock turtleneck with dull scissors
(E) The folds of a shirt that's four sizes too big
(F) A mediocre Major League pitcher from the mid- to late 1980s
(G) All of the above

Paul Kilgus, 1990 Topps

Mike LaValliere, 1990 Topps

Name: Mike "Spanky" LaValliere
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Catcher
Value of card: The lint in Spanky's bellybutton
Key 1989 stat: 1,498 spanks
10 things you might not know about "Spanky" LaValliere:
10) His mullet's wings allowed him to fly.
9) He played most of his career blind.
8) His tongue weighed nearly 3 pounds, which prevented him from closing his mouth.
7) He slept with his mitt (like, um, in a relationship way).
6) The two sides of his mustache were interchangeable with his eyebrows.
5) His most annoying habit: He always responded, "Spank you very much."
4) He got his nickname from "The Little Rascals" — the XXX version.
3) He was the first Pirates player to own a parrot and have a peg leg.
2) His parents were French. As were his fries.
1) He lived life in a squat.

Mike LaValliere, 1990 Topps

Ernie Riles, 1990 Topps

Name: Ernie Riles
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Infield
Value of card: A stick of chewing gum included in a 1990 Topps pack, chewed in 2011
Key 1989 stat: 14-second photo session
Time for an in-your-face pop quiz:

What is Ernie Riles staring at?

(A) Someone with longer ears than his
(B) A reflection of his inappropriate bulge
(C) Both of his career highlights flashing before his eyes
(D) Bert
(E) All of the above

Ernie Riles, 1990 Topps

Fred Manrique, 1990 Topps

Name: Fred Manrique
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Infield
Value of card: 17 "manriques" (aka "worthless," even in Venezuela)
Key 1989 stat: Zero fans, both above and in general
Fred Manrique, By the Numbers:

20: career home runs
7: teams played for during career
2.1: home runs per team, all time
498: career games
497: career stalking charges
98: percentage of time spent during batting practice standing with bat god knows where
100: percentage of time spent smiling in delight with bat god knows where
1: "man" in his last name
0: "man" in his mirror's reflection
11: career triples
11: mustache inches

Fred Manrique, 1990 Topps

Paul Gibson, 1990 Topps

Name: Paul Gibson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Paul Gibson's lunch money
Key 1989 stat: 12-inch-tall waistband
Top 10 things teammates forced Paul Gibson to eat in 1990:

10) Pine tar (by Alan Trammell)
9) A catcher's mitt (by Jack Morris)
8) Unwashed jocks (by all teammates)
7) A lemon (by Chet Lemon, of course)
6) Paste (by Paul Gibson. Wait...)
5) A stick (by Lou Whitaker)
4) A colostomy bag (by Sparky Anderson)
3) Dirt (by Frank Tanana)
2) Nothing. (Cecil Fielder ate it all first)
1) His own glasses (by Tony Phillips)

Paul Gibson, 1990 Topps

Bryan Clutterbuck, 1990 Topps

Name: Bryan Clutterbuck
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two "clutterbucks"
Key 1989 stat: 12 zits on face
Time for a Webster's New World pop quiz:

What exactly is a "clutterbuck"?

(A) The salty sweat residue left by dirty men on their baseball caps.
(B) A nose-hair mustache, as seen above.
(C) A rubber undershirt worn by sweaty men who want to sweat more.
(D) The special place reserved in hell for evil gingers.
(E) The skin behind the eyebrows when eyebrows don't exist.
(F) A mediocre ballplayer.
(G) All of the above.

Bryan Clutterbuck, 1990 Topps

Mitch Webster, 1990 Topps

Name: Mitch Webster
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfielder
Value of card: One copy of Ricky Martin's "She Bangs"
Key 1989 stat: $5 haircut at Great Clips
Fun facts about Mitch Webster's haircut in the above photo:

• Yes, those bangs do go all the way up.
• It looks the same in the back as it does in the front.
• It's so crazy, it threw off the registration on the printing press.
• Mitch didn't intentionally keep his hat up at an angle. The bangs repelled all coverings.
• It's not nearly as embarrassing as the Cubs' 1990 season.
• It's covering up an enormous zit.
• He did it himself!

Mitch Webster, 1990 Topps

Pat Perry, 1990 Topps

Name: Pat Perry

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 6 ounces of bear cub dung

Key 1989 stat: Two genders

You make the call: Cubs management was confused. His teammates were confused. His off-the-field friends were confused. Why the confusion? Was Pat a he? Was Pat a she? Well, it's Pat.

Evidence for him being a he:

• Shirt-busting biceps.
• Sweat-drenched mesh.
• Manly chin.
• Arms as hairy as an orangutan's taint.

Evidence for her being a she:

• Features as soft as an angel's wings.
• Skin-tight magenta undershirt.
• Matching lipstick.
• Well-moisturized skin.

Conclusion: With such an even distribution of evidence, it's hard to tell; it's curious to everyone; it's a mystery; it's Pat.

Pat Perry, 1990 Topps

Sergio Valdez, 1990 Topps

Name: Sergio Valdez

Team: Atlanta Braves

Positions: Relief pitcher, troublemaker

Value of card: The change Sergio Valdez just stole from your pocket

Key 1989 stat: 982 mischievous acts

Time for another pop quiz:

Why does Sergio Valdez looks so mischievous?

(A) He stole his own eyebrows and attached them above his lip.

(B) He's not wearing a hat; he persuaded the Topps people to cover up his jheri curl.

(C) See those trees behind him? Yeah, he did it with them.

(D) He's responsible for the Valdez oil spill.

(E) All of the above.

Sergio Valdez, 1990 Topps

Roger McDowell, 1990 Topps

Name: Roger McDowell

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Position: Closer

Value of card: Endless flowing curls

Key 1989 stat: Zero neck pain

Script from Roger McDowell's 1989 TV commercial: "You may know me for being the go-to guy when the Phillies need a save. But until recently, I've been wondering who would save me from neck pain. (Cut to shot of a grimacing McDowell rubbing his neck during a game.) My mullet is my baby, but its volume and heft were killing me! That's why I invented this: Roger McDowell's Hair Bra. (Cut to shot of McDowell holding product like a newborn.) The Hair Bra works like this: Slip it over your head and tuck it under your mane. Adjust to fit, and that's it! Your neck gets the support it needs without covering up that beautiful Tennessee waterfall. Sure, you won't be able to fit a ballcap over it, but that just means the party in the back will be that much more visible. Thanks, Hair Bra!"

Roger McDowell, 1990 Topps

Tom Lasorda, 1990 Topps

Name: Tom "Tommy" Lasorda
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Manager
Value of card: One spare rib bone
Key 1989 stat: 45 pounds gained
It's a managerial quiz:

What's getting the old thumbs-up from Tommy Lasorda?

(A) News that the team's training table now involves only barbecued beans and Stouffer's frozen macaroni and beef.
(B) Dress rehearsal for Kirk Gibson's all-male burlesque revue, "I Can't Believe What I Just Saw."
(C) The five Dodger fans who stayed past the seventh inning.
(D) An invitation to an Asia concert from Eddie Murray.
(E) All of the above

Tom Lasorda, 1990 Topps

Zane Smith, 1990 Topps

Name: Zane Smith

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: One used, broken retainer

Key 1989 stat: 154 fan boat rides a week

From the swamps to the big leagues: The year was 1989, the Alabama air was thick and the flies were the size of fists. On the edge of the swamps stood a man named Zane Smith, fan boat tour owner and champion gator wrestler. He was a local legend who made toothless women swoon and Klan members bow in his presence. His snaggletooth grill was the standard "look" in his town and was emulated by dozens of men and boys. But "Main Zane" had a hole in his soul that no 8-foot reptile or heaping pile of grits could fill. He pined for something more, something that could catapult him onto the national stage so he could promote his "Frantic Fan Boat Rides." "Main Zane" threw on his bib overalls, sleeveless flannel shirt and trucker hat and started balling up his already-chewed tobacco and heaving it toward a wall on his floating mobile home as a way to deal with his frustrations. In a chance encounter, a French-Canadian scout from Montreal was visiting the Cajun swamp trash part of his family and saw a sweaty, shirtless, snaggletoothed Smith rocketing soggy tobacco balls at his bedroom window. After a promise of front-row Lynyrd Skynyrd tickets, "Main Zane" was in Quebec throwing baseballs instead of chewing tobacco, mullet and all.

Zane Smith, 1990 Topps

Luis Sojo, 1990 Topps

Name: Luis Sojo

Team: Toronto Blue Jays

Position: Utility infielder

Value of card: Value, as beauty, is in the eye of the beholder

Key 1989 stat: 1,652 women seduced

Sojo's mojo: Most players make it to the big leagues because of their on-the-field skills. A few make it because of their swagger. One man made it because of his looks. That man: Luis Sojo, utility infielder and casanova. Sojo left his family and 67 wives in Venezuela to come north to Toronto, Canada's City of Romance. The Blue Jays needed power, speed and defensive sure-handedness. Sojo had none of those things, but he did have a monobrow, manicured mustache and greasy hair peeking out from beneath his ill-fitting hat. Within days in Toronto, his massive head adorned billboards. Women immigrated to Canada just to catch a glimpse of the man they called "El Guapo." He couldn't hit worth a lick, but a wiggle of his ears caused capacity crowds to faint. The Blue Jays' attendance went up, bedroom trysts went down, and Sojo stayed even, hitting .225 on the field and .775 with the ladies.

Luis Sojo, 1990 Topps